Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 19 - Fanny Finch - full transcript

When Finch's newly single mom shows up, he tries to fix her up with Jack so that he can be part of Jack's family. He sabotages Jack's current relationship for the plan to take effect. ...

(funky music)

- Hey, nice suit.

Where have I seen it before?

- Fred Savage wore it
on The Wonder Years.

(audience laughing)

Got it on eBay.

- Hmm. So what's the occasion?

- Uh, having lunch with my mom.

- (gasps) Really?

Oh I can't wait to meet her.

- Yeah, and just so you know,
her name is Fannie, okay?

- As in tushy?

- Uh, yeah, and
you've got a big rack,

we're all God's children.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I think it's
a very sweet name.

- She's a very sweet lady.

It's her first time
in New York City.

Actually it's her first
time out of Albany

since her divorce.

- Oh well then you've
got to take her to MOMA.

They're doing an
exhibit on the history

of the fountain pen.

(audience laughing)

- How have you
not met Mr. Right?

- Dennis Quimby Finch!

- Mommy!

I mean hello, mother.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, oh look at you.

Now I know that you
are Mr. New York City,

(Dennis chuckles)

But Wardell's was having their

annual underwear blowout, so...

- Yes, uh, for God
sake's mom, can you,

I love you.

(audience laughing)

Anyway, oh this is Maya, my mom.

- Oh hello dear.

- Hello Mrs. Finch,
I love your hair.

- Oh, thanks I'm glad it
held up through the bus trip.

- It's short, it's sassy, it
makes her look so classy.

- Ooh, (audience laughing)
he's a ball of talent.

Do the one about grandma.

- Ooh, ah, she
lives at your place,

she busts her hip
on the staircase.

Oh hey, glad you're here.

Jack Gallow, this is my mom.

- Wow, I finally meet
the famous Fannie.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, well Dennis has told me

so much about you.

Congratulations on your empire.

- Well, I couldn't run
it without your son.

- Oh well Dennis
thinks very highly of you.

- And I think very
highly of Dennis.

- My cheeks are on fire.

(audience laughing)

- I'd love to chat but I
have an aerobics class

across the street, I'm
dating the instructor.

- Oh, are you still seeing Jill?

- Uh huh.

- Jack and Jill, I hope
she's on the pill. (chuckles)


- How could you say that
in front of your mother?

- She doesn't know
what I'm talking about.

- I don't.

(audience laughing)

- Nice to meet you.

- So mom, where do
you want to go to lunch?

- Oh, you decide, I want
to go freshen up first.

- Oh okay, it's
right over there,

and when you get up
it's gonna flush by itself,

don't be scared.

(audience laughing)

- I really like her.

- Everybody does.

- I wish my dad would
forget these young bimbos

and date someone like her.

- Yeah.


(dreamy Christmas music)

- Happy darling?

- The happiest.

- I love it! (audience laughing)

Thank you mom, thanks dad.

- Anything for you son,

I'm just so glad we're a family.

- Me too.

- Finch?


- No! It's my sweater!

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Elliot, uh I have
a favor to ask.

I have some stuff I need to
move out of my apartment,

could you come over
and help me tonight?

- Now why would
I want to do that?

- Oh come on, I'm
asking you as a friend.

- Oh really.

Tell me, tell me
when was the last time

you did a favor for me?

(audience laughing)

- I love you.

- Mm-hmm.

Fine, I'll be there.

- If I'm not, let yourself in.

- Dennis I need a spreadsheet

for this afternoon's meeting.

- Here you go.

Oh and your new
hiking boots arrived.

Mmm, new shoe smell.
(audience laughing)

- Return them, Jill
just broke up with me,

so I won't be hiking after all.

- What, you're kidding.

- I wish I were, she just called

and said we should
stop seeing each other,

end of story.

- Well dad I'm sorry, but she's
so much younger than you,

you couldn't have
expected it to last.

- Thank you sunshine.

(audience laughing)

- Wanna smell the shoe?

- No, I do not want
to smell the shoe.

All right, give it to me.

- Oh boy, what a morning.

I met a Hindu and I got a
camcorder on the subway.

(audience laughing)

- I thought you were
gonna go to Chinatown

and watch them smoke ducks.

- Yes, but first I
wanted to bring by

some of my homemade...
- Fudge blasters.

- Fudge blasters, I'm starving!

Give me two.

- Oh, these are delicious.

- Oh well you should
try my nut busters.

(audience laughing)

- Oh hey Jack, mom's
going down to Chinatown.

What's that restaurant
you like down there?

- Mr. Ping's.

No attitude when
you ask for a fork.

- Yeah.

Today's Thursday,
the special is the

great wall of beef.

- Oh my Lord, would you
write down the address?

- Sure, or, Jack could take you.

- Well I would, except I've got

that 2:00 with accounting.

- I can move it til 3:00.

There, it's easy, I just did it.

(audience laughing)

- Shall we?

- Oh do you think
we can get a table?

- Please, Mr Ping loves me.

I'm practically
part of the family.

Part of the family.

Part of the family.

(lively banjo music)

(audience laughing)

- Ooh look Dennis, your
sister made popcorn.

(lively banjo music)

(tambourine clinking)

- Hey, are you okay?

- Shake it baby (chuckles).

(upbeat music)

- Oh jeez Nina, you know
where am I going with this?

- Oh just out in
the hallway for now.

- I have to take something out.

This is too heavy,
my back is killing me.

- No, no Elliot, just,
just, just move it.

(audience laughing)

- You know there's
a man in there.

- Less talky, more movey.

- What?

- (knocking) [Man] Let me out.

- [Elliott] Hey.

- What are you
doing, you crazy bitch?

- I am finally throwing you out,

you decaying old piece of trash.

- You horrible beast I hate you.

- What the hell's going on?

- Well he's been living
here for a couple of weeks.

But it's over.
(audience laughing)

- When I look at you,

my throat fills with bile.

- Good, I hope you choke on it.

- Bahh!

- Oh he refuses to leave,

so when he got drunk
and passed out again

I threw him in this trunk.

But, he's a lousy lover.

- Ah, you contemptible woman.

I could strangle you.

- Oh really, with
those arthritic paws?

(man growls) (audience laughing)

- Wait, you're Horst Geitner.

- I know who I am.

- He's one of the
greatest photographers

of the 20th century.

- Ha!

- Please, all that
fame and the awards.

He doesn't have one
cent to show for it.

Plus I've already spent all
the money I thought he had.

(audience laughing)

- Your voice cuts
right through me,

like the screams of a dying pig.

- I have not taken a
picture for 20 years,

I am sad, I must
drink your vodka.

- Ah, that sounds
nothing like me, nothing.

(audience laughing)

- All right, now
everyone just calm down.

- He doesn't even have a home.

- I would eat your heart
if I thought you had one.

- Your splintering teeth
couldn't break skin.

(Horst growls)

- Okay, hey, hey,
enough, enough,

all right, enough, enough.

Hey, hey why don't
you just stay at my place

for a couple of days until
you figure out what to do.

- I must admit I have
not slept well here.

(audience laughing)

- You have not done
anything well here.

(Horace growls)

(upbeat music)

- Good morning.

Oh, thank heavens
they let you sit down.

(audience laughing)

- What's with the suitcase?

- Oh well, grandma
called, I have to go home.

It seems that a
possum got trapped

under the pool tarp.

- You can't go now.

- But I have to if grandma
gets wet her skin cracks.

(audience laughing)

- You don't understand,

things are going
really well with Jack.

- What do you mean?

- Mom, how would you like to

never have to deal with possums

and pool tarps ever again?

- (sighs) But if I
leave the tarp off

the pine cones will go in it...

- No, no I'm talking about Jack.

You and Jack, he
likes you, I can tell.

And he's not seeing
anyone right now,

and you're not seeing
anyone, it's perfect.

- Honey, you're sweet, but...
- But what?

Don't you think he's handsome?

Like a sea captain?

(audience laughing)

- Of course I do.

But I'm just a middle-aged
divorcee from Albany,

I mean I could never
land a man like Jack.

I mean I wouldn't
know where to begin.

- I do, I can help you.

- Well, Fannie, how's
the belle of Albany?

- Oh, well, I, I uh, I...

I'm on board.

("Getting To Know You")

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- So why did he
stop taking pictures?

- I asked him about that.

- And?

- He said the world was gray,

and then he cleaned
his ear with my car key.

(audience laughing)

- Elliot, do me a favor
and return this to Horst.

- What is it?

- A hate letter he sent me.

- Wow, so many pages,

of just the same two words.

- Wow he must have really felt,

Nina, you could be the answer.

- What's the question?
(audience laughing)

- How we get Horst
to take pictures again.

- Yeah, you obviously
inspire him to express himself.

- Yes, you could be his muse.

- What?

- Well why do you think he
walked away from his art?

- Because he was
too drunk to run.

(audience laughing)

- No, because I think he
lost interest in everything.

- Until he met you.

- Exactly, exactly.

Whatever you two guys
have going on, it stirs him.

So we just need to channel
it, through his camera.

- What you mean you
want him to photograph me?

- Yes.
- No.

- Please.
- Never.

- The entire world will
see this photograph.

- I'll go change.

(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)

- Oh I can't believe that I am

actually going to the
theater with Jack Gallow.

- Now he's gonna fall
asleep almost immediately.

Don't take it personally.

- Well just hurry he's
gonna be here in 10 minutes.

- All righty.

One, two, and three, and four,

and done, and that's a pleat!

(telephone ringing)

Oh will you get that, I'm
kind of in zone over here.

- Oh.

Jack Gallow's office,
how may I assist you?

Oh, I see, uh I see.

Of course, yes, I'll, uh,
thank you so much for calling.

- Mom, what's wrong,
that's your car sick face.

(audience laughing)

- That was Jill,
the exercise girl.

- What?

- Yes, she says
she's been thinking

and she wants to talk to Jack

and it sounds like
she misses him.

Well that's that.

- What do you mean?

- Well I can't compete
with an exercise girl.

- Yes you can, you're
Fantasia Olivia Finch.

(audience laughing)

- Well Dennis I
don't want to step on

another woman's toes.

- Well you won't have to, if
Jack never gets the message.

- Oh but that's impossible,

all we have to do
is hand it to him.

- Or... oopsie.
(audience laughing)

- Dennis you stop playing games.

Now when Jack
walks through that door

I'm gonna tell
him that Jill called.

- No you can't.

- Why?

- Because I worked too
hard to break them up?

(audience groans)

- What? What do you mean?

- (sighs) I may have
paid the bagel girl

to go tell Jill she was
pregnant with Jack's baby.

- Oh my Lord Dennis,
you're going straight to hell.

(audience laughing)

- Ready?

- Beat it!

- Gone.

- You've never lied before.

Becoming vice president
of Blush has changed you.

(audience laughing)

- But mom we're
so close on this one,

we can all be so happy together.

- Oh, like in your
Christmas fantasy.

- How do you know about that?

- I saw the sketches
in your room.

- You looked in
my creativity box?

(audience laughing)

- You have got to
tell Jack what you did.

- I can't, you don't
understand, he will fire me.

- Well jobs may come and go but

integrity lasts
forever like the...

- American made trucks, I know.

- That's right.

And if you don't
tell Jack the truth,

I can never look at
you again the same.

- My tummy hurts.

- Yeah, I'll bet it does.

Well you just think about
that while I put my skirt on.

- Hey, big night out?

- I'm taking Fannie to
Lincoln Center to see Othello.

It was Dennis's idea.

- I love Othello.

"Thus do I ever make
my fool my purse,

for I my own gain
knowledge should profane."

- It's not all like that, is it?

- Hey Jack, there's
something I have to tell you.

- I know, it's Shakespeare,
I brought my neck pillow.

(audience laughing)

- No, no, I know why
Jill broke up with you.

- You do, why?

- Because...

- Because I did
something horrible.

- What?

- I paid the bagel girl to say

she was carrying your child

so that Jill would break up
with you and I could move in.

- Mom don't, I won't let you.

- Is this a joke?

- Well I'm afraid not.

Sometimes people
want something so badly

that they do things
they weren't raised to do.

- It's true.

(audience laughing)

- Oh please don't hold
what I did against Dennis.

He's a good boy, who's
always made his mommy proud.

- Here come the waterworks.

And Jack Gallow if I know you

you're right there with me.

(audience laughing)

- In nine years I've never seen

Jack lose his temper like that.

- Although he did seem happy

to get out of going to the play.

(audience laughing)

- Mom thanks for saving my job.

And for what it's worth,

I really do want you to
meet someone someday.

- Aw, I know honey.

But relationships
can't be built on lies.

Remember that. (kissing smack)

- I will.

- Now when am I
going to get to meet

that wife of yours?

(audience laughing)

- The minute she
gets back from Africa.

All right, take her away.

(upbeat music)

- (knocking at door)
Come in, come in!

Oh Horst, thanks for coming by.

- I do not understand
why you could not

kill this spider yourself,

are you arachnophobic?
(audience laughing)

- Actually you're not
here about a spider.

- What?

- Hi, I just have to
introduce myself,

I'm Maya Gallow, and it is
such an honor to meet you.

- I must sleep.

- Horst, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

- What do you want?

- For you to take my picture,

because I am your
muse and the whole world

should know it.

(audience laughing)

- What is the meaning of this?

- The only one
who stirs you, Horst,

I've seen how you react to her.

- I detest her,
like mud and stink.

- But that's your passion Horst,

it's still there, just
show me how you feel

through the camera.

- Yeah, that's
that little black box

in your fat, sweaty hands.

- I would sooner eat a dog.

- Well that would be
cannibalism, wouldn't it?

(Horst yells angrily)

- Nina wait, wait, wait.

- Oh forget it, forget
it, I'm out of here.

- Let her go, let her go.

- Oh, by the way, you
never really wet the bed.

All that shame for nothing.

(Horst groans)

- I am sorry I
threw your camera.

She just kind of gets to me.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah whatever,
anyway I give up.

Go back to the
street, go live in a box,

never take a picture again,

I don't really care.

- Hey, I'm sorry, I really
wanted this to happen for you.

- Thank you.

- That woman, you
have known her, yeah?

(audience laughing)

- What?

- There is something
between you.

- Yeah there is, I
mean there was,

I mean, it's complicated.

- Why?

- 'Cause I loved her.

- And you still do.

- No, no, I'm over it.

- Liar!

I see it in your face.

And your pain is beautiful.

- All right, if you say so.

- Yeah, tell me more.

Tell me about the pain,

tell me about the loss, ahh.

- You know what I don't
think this is a good time.

- Now is the perfect time.

Now is when truth is captured

Is there film in this thing?

(audience laughing)

- Yeah.

- Ah, good.
- Yeah.

Wait a minute, his
is it, you're doing it.

- Yes, and I am
doing it gloriously.


- And it's all because of me.

I am your muse.

- Yes, you are my muse.

- I am your muse.

- Take off your shirt.

- Huh?

- Do it, take it off.

(confused babbling)

Do it muse, do it!

(audience laughing)

Yes, yes.

Now, then pucker your lips.

Yes, and look ashamed.

- Jill you go on ahead,
I gotta find my shoe.

(audience laughing)

Oh my God.

Jill, wait up.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you