Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 21 - Maya Stops Thinking - full transcript

Nina convinces Maya to stop over thinking her dating life and just go for it. Eliot tries to get Finch to do something good.

- Okay and why don't we
schedule the Calvin Klein

meeting for two o'clock?

- What's the point?

It's just one meeting
after another.

I spend my life behind a desk.

- Let's not do this.

(audience laughing)

- Look, working cattle
ranch for sale in Montana.

Lot of sky out there, Dennis.

- Yeah, here we go.

(audience laughing)



- Just imagine, I'd
work with my hands.

Eat what I grow.

Ride across the plains.

(audience laughing)

What a life that would be.

- And would you slaughter
the cows yourself?

- Some of them.

(audience laughing)

And then I'd move on.

I'd start new ventures.

- Really, like what?

- Well, maybe a
magazine, about cattle.

- Oh, a real page turner.

(audience laughing)



- Okay, about cowgirls.

- Big, fat ones?

- No, sexy ones.

- Ah.

- What they wear.

How to improve their orgasms.

(audience laughing)

- Might be hard to
do in a small town.

- I could move to New York.

- I don't know, you'd have
to sell a lot of advertising.

- Hey, I know people.

- Like Calvin Klein?

- Exactly.

Let's schedule a
meeting for two o'clock.

- Two o'clock, great idea.

(audience laughing)

- We have fun, don't we Dennis?

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- So, our second
date was on Tuesday

and I only waited a day
and a half to call him.

Which may have been shortish,

but it was a brief conversation,

which I think opened the door

to my sending him a
very carefully worded note,

inviting him to, and I quote,

maybe do something,
and he hasn't called.

- Hasn't called?

I'm surprised he hasn't moved!

(audience laughing)

- What are you saying?

- You think too much.

- That' my style.

- Yeah, well, you've
been trying that style

for 15 years, how's
that working for you?

- What would you suggest?

- Try something new, loosen up.

You know if you
see a guy you like,

then just go for it.

- Well, there is this
docent at the Guggenheim.

- Oh God.

Look around you.

If you want to start a
fire, we are in the forest.

- I wouldn't know what to do.

- It goes a little
something like this,

just see if you can hum along.

(sniffing deeply)

(audience laughing)

It's all in the hips.

- But you were sitting.

- But not in my mind.

(audience laughing)

- Excuse me, do you
know what time it is?

- Ask me again.

(audience laughing)

- Do you know what time it is?

- Oh God!

(audience laughing)

I don't usually do this.

- Neither do I.

(softly laughing)

- I mean there's still so much

I don't even know
about you, Chris.

- Yes.

- Oh God, thank God!

(audience laughing)

- Well I know, you're Maya.

- [Maya] Hmm-mm.

- And you love the rain.

- Oh, I do!

(audience laughing)

- And your favorite
singer is Joan Baez.

- And I know you like
soda but with no ice.

(chuckling)

- And I know that you
can be incredibly sexy,

even while you're convincing
me to wear two condoms.

(audience laughing)

- Thanks for being
a sport about that.

(audience laughing)

So, where do we go from here?

- Spain?

- Ah, that would be incredible.

The two of us just meeting

and whisking
ourselves off to Espana.

- Yep, but you see the
thing is that I really am going.

Today.

- What, I don't understand?

- I'm, I'm so sorry.

I'm a doctor and I'm going
to work at a clinic, in Madrid.

And last night I was going to
go home and pack at the bar,

but, well, we just
hit it off, and...

I'm sorry, I should
have told you.

- Oh, well, no, I mean,
when are you coming back?

- Well, see, that's the thing.

I'm, sort of, moving there.

Sorry.

- No, I'm not going
to overthink this.

It was an adventure.

- Oh, it was.

I'm just sorry it's over.

- I guess you have
to go home and pack.

- Yeah, pretty soon,
but not immediately.

- Um, Chris.

- I'll see if I can
find two more.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Hey buddy, I have
something for ya.

- What's this?

- It's hot cocoa with cinnamon.

Your favorite.

- Oh, thanks, how
much do I owe you?

- No, you don't owe me anything.

- Ah, what is there a bird beak
in the bottom, or something?

- There's nothing
in there, just enjoy it.

- Nah, I don't think so.

(audience laughing)

- Finch, did anything
ever happen to you

that seemed life changing?

- Uh, when I was six I walked in

on my grandma taking a shower.

(audience laughing)

- I meant something positive.

- It was positive, it
taught me to knock.

(audience laughing)

- Listen, this morning I
stopped in a bagel shop

and when it came
time for me to pay,

I realized I didn't
have any money.

So, you know what the guy said?

- Dude, she was in
there with her dog.

- Listen, he said don't
worry about it, it's on me.

Just like that.

Never saw him before and
probably never see him again.

And all he asked was that

I do something nice
for someone else.

- I don't know if it
wandered in there...

- Finch.

- I don't know if she
brought it in there...

- Finch, stop!

Just enjoy your hot cocoa.

Now you have to do something
nice for someone else.

Let's say, uh, Nina.

- See, it's not free...
- Shh!

We're going to change the world.

One person at a time.

- Okay, none of this is going
to make your hair grow back.

(audience laughing)

- Nina.

- Yes.

- Guess what I did?

- Maya!

(laughing)

- I have no idea.

(audience laughing)

- I took your advice and
I slept with a stranger.

- Make my year and tell
me it wasn't missionary.

(audience laughing)

- He was in the bar.

He was so cute and I
just acted spontaneously.

- It feels good not
to think, doesn't it?

- It does!

And now he's going to
be leaving the country,

but I'll always have
what we shared together.

- Oh, like a dirty,
dirty little movie,

locked away in your heart.

(audience laughing)

- Ah, good morning.

I have someone I
want you two to meet.

Our new creative
consultant Chris Williams,

my daughter, Maya.

(audience laughing)

- Hi (nervously chuckles)

- Dibs.

(upbeat music)

- And this is Nina Van Horn.

- Welcome, I am fashion.

(audience laughing)

- Oh Nina, Dad, can I speak
with Chris alone for a moment.

- Chris, one thing
you'll learn about Maya

is she likes to get right to it.

(audience laughing)

- So this is your office?

- You worthless son of bitch!

- Okay, I probably
deserved that.

So do we have a softball team?

- You lied to me.

You lied about everything.

- That's not true.

I said I had a
great time and I did.

- You made up a story
to have sex with me.

- Correction, we
had already had sex,

then I made up a story,
and then we had more sex,

so there's sort of this
murky middle ground.

- Oh it's not murky,
it's perfectly clear.

You're a piece of scum,

oh excuse me, a
piece of doctor scum.

(audience laughing)

- You're angry, okay,
I understand that.

But what did I really do, here?

I could of just pretended
to write down your number

and then just disappeared,
but you were nice,

so I wanted to leave
you with something

that made it sweet and romantic.

- I can't believe I
paid for your drinks.

- You know, you weren't
completely forthcoming either.

I mean, you didn't
tell me your last name.

You didn't tell me
where you worked.

You didn't say you worked here.

- Oh I don't, I'm the
president of France.

(audience laughing)

I met with your
father last night.

He offered me the job.

I went downstairs
to get a drink.

It's not my fault that
you were sitting there.

Now we're both grownups, okay,

so let's just put
this behind us.

- Your chance to put
things anywhere is over.

(audience laughing)

- And she's already
after the new guy.

- Bite me!

- Oh, on that little tiny
heinie, don't mind if I do.

(laughing)

- Maya, would you buy a
magazine about cowgirls?

(audience laughing)

- I want you to fire Chris.

- What?

- Fire him, let him go!

- Maya, some men aren't
staring, they're just looking.

(audience laughing)

- Chris is all
wrong for this job.

What happened to the
woman from Vogue?

- She wore a monocle.

I can't have that here.

(audience laughing)

- Chris is a mistake.

- Look at this resume.

Why would I...
- Please Dad, don't ask why.

Just do it, for me.

- Well, an arbitrary firing

would keep the
others on their toes.

(audience laughing)

- So you'll do it today?

- Yes, right after
the staff meeting.

But it won't be easy.

I did tell him he reminds
me of a young Jack Gallo.

- You tell that to
Finch every Christmas.

(audience laughing)

- You're right.

Means nothing.

(upbeat music)

- Hey, Finch.

- Hey.

- What are you
doing with cigarettes?

- I bought a pack for Nina.

Second one of the day, actually.

- All right, Finch,
I'm proud of you.

Yeah I mean, it's nothing
the healthiest choice,

but you're passing
along the good karma.

You're making the
world a better place.

- Yeah it feels pretty good.

- What are you doing?

- I'm taking the tobacco out

and replacing it
with pencil shavings.

(audience laughing)

- Why?

- Uh, it burns the throat,
singes the eyebrows.

It's actually pretty funny.

(audience laughing)

- That isn't making
the world a better place.

- No it's not it's actually,
I think making it worse.

(audience laughing)

- Finch, could you
call maintenance?

I had a small
flareup in my office.

Those cigarettes you
gave me were defective.

- Oh no, I'll go buy
you another pack.

- Such a doll.

Burgundy is for dorks.

(audience laughing)

- Bye, Nina.

- Give me that!

All right, I get it.

It's cooler to be the bad guy.

Being nice is square.

But you know what?

I know deep inside
that little body

is a molecule of goodness,
just screaming to be heard.

- Finch, I think we need
a fresh pot of coffee.

There's something
floating in this one.

- Okay.

Bird Beak.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Let's get started.

Oh Dennis, what's this?

- Uh, gourmet sour balls.

I know they're your favorites.

- Ah!

- Interesting,
something nice for Jack.

Maybe Nina is next?

- Jack will eat one,
remember they hurt his teeth,

then I'll get the rest
on the company dime.

(audience laughing)

- Owe!

- I'm not giving up.

- I know, it's awesome.

(audience laughing)

- All right, here we go.

Oh, by the way, Jack, thank you.

I love my office.

- Yes, but nothing
tops being at home.

Am I right? (laughs)

- (chuckling) What
does that mean?

- Now, we still have three
pages to fill for next month.

Suggestions?

- Ah, how about
something really sexy?

- Yes?

- Well I shouldn't
have to do all the work.

- Well what if we...
- I was thinking...

- What if we spend those pages

educating women
about eating disorders.

- Oh no.

- Hear me out.

- Hello, wall, I'm
Maya. (grunting)

- Ha Ha, you know just one
article could do a lot of good.

- Maya, it's not
going to happen.

- Oh right, why help
someone when we can

use those pages to play,
match the nipple to the actress.

- Hey, Hey!

- Can we do that?

- Maybe as a side bar,
to our Oscar coverage.

- Make it a contest.

We could give away a trip.

- To a nude beach.

- See people,
this is the process.

- Oh, forget it.

- How about actresses who
have had eating disorders?

We're in a position here
to reach a lot of women.

It's a great
opportunity to inform,

as well as entertain,

and that celebrity angle
always equals sales.

- Stars with eating disorders.

I like it.

Okay people, make me a magazine.

(audience laughing)

- Jack, remember when I
said let's do something sexy.

That really got the
ball rolling, as I recall.

- Run along.

- Running.

- Hey Chris, can I
see you a minute.

- Sure, yeah.

I'm glad you like
that celebrity angle.

- Ah, I loved it.

In a way, it'll be your legacy.

- What do you mean?

- Oh nothing, nothing.

Step into my office,
we'll have a little chat.

- Dad, I need to talk to you.

Well, it'll have to wait, I
am locked and loaded.

- Don't fire him!

- What?

- I think I made
a mistake before.

I think he could
be valuable here.

- Maya I've had
six sugar donuts.

There's no stopping this train.

- No, no, no, can't you
forget what I said before?

- First you say, let him
go, now he's got to stay.

What is going on?

- I just misread him.

Please, please don't fire him.

- Okay, but this is
tremendously disappointing.

- I'm sorry.

- I got all revved up.

- I know.

- Well, I need to fire someone.

- Why don't you just
take a brisk walk?

- Please.

Although I could
get some ice cream.

- Thanks, Dad.

- Chris, change of plans.

We're going to get
some ice cream.

- Oh sounds great.

You know it's funny,

for a second there, I
thought you were mad at me.

- Not at all,
remember, I told you

you remind me of
the young Jack Gallo.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Hey, your eyebrows
back to normal.

- It's actually a
piece of black felt.

- Hey Finch, there you are.

I got something for you.

- Uh oh, what now?

- A pair of painter's paints.

I know you like the look.

- Oh, size 29.

- Hey, what's all this?

- I just like doing
nice things for people.

Because eventually,
they'll come around.

- Wait a minute, I
see what's going on.

You're trying to get
in on Finch's good side

because you know
he has Jack's ear.

- No, Nina, that's
not what this is about.

- Well, two can
play at that game.

- Finch, here's a 20.

Check and mate.

- (chuckling) Oh, what should
I do with my new money?

- And there's plenty more
where that came from.

- Oh, thank you, Nina.

- It's my pleasure.

- Cigarette?

- Don't mind if I do.

- Why are you tormenting me?

- To prove that
goodness never wins.

Evil wins.

- No it doesn't.

- [Nina] Ah!

- Join us.

- Never!

- I'll make you immortal.

Give you a fiddle of gold.

Gifts, gifts!

Join the team!

(upbeat music)

- How's the first day going?

- Great, Jack took me
out for some ice cream.

- Big, stupid
whoop, shoulder boy.

Why don't you go do some curls?

(audience laughing)

- Chris!

- I'm sorry.

- What for?

- I don't know, it just
seemed like a natural opener.

- I was going to tell you,

I thought you were
great at the staff meeting.

- Oh, well, thank you.

I meant what I said.

- I know you did.

I made some calls.

I didn't know you
worked for Ms. magazine

and Mother Jones.

What are you doing here?

- Well, at the more
liberal magazines

I was already
preaching to the choir.

I thought maybe here, I
could, really make a difference.

- Okay, I still don't approve
of what you did last night,

but I'd really like us to
be able to work together.

- You really mean that?

- Yeah I could use an ally.

I mean, you were at the meeting,

they treat me like I'm crazy.

- I know, I couldn't
believe that.

- They make faces when
they think I'm not looking,

but I see.

(audience laughing)

- Look, Maya, we
may never be friends,

but it doesn't mean
that we can't work

on the same team, right?

- Agreed.

So, let's start working
on some ideas.

- Great.

- Do you think we
could convince my father

to do a piece on gender
bias in developing countries?

- Count me in.

- And then we could tackle
equal pay and the glass ceiling.

Oh God, I can't
believe I left work

in the middle of
the day to do it.

Oh you know, I've always wanted

to do a satirical piece
equating high heels

with foot binding
in the Far East.

- Man, you guys really
have gotten a raw deal.

- Oh, you so know women.

- I just listen.

(keys jingling)

- Oh gosh, what's that?

You have a roommate
or something?

- Sort of.

- [Woman Off Camera]
Sweetheart, I'm home.

- A girlfriend.

- [Woman Off Camera] I finally
found a wedding dress I love!

- Okay, fiance.

- You make me sick!

- That's fair, but could
you just pretend to be dead

for like five minutes.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- And then I said to Jack,

maybe we should
do something sexy?

- Nina, I know, I was there.

- How do they make candy?

- I don't know, ask Finch.

He's the magic elf.

- Hey are you okay?

Hey hit her on the back,
something's going on.

- No.

This is your moment Finch.

Go on, do good.

Nobody help her,
nobody help her.

- Hey, she's choking!

You're crazy!

- Come on, Finch.

Come on, you're going to
do something nice for her,

right now, whether
you like it or not.

Come on.

- Hang on, hang on.

(grunts)

Ah, there you go.

- Ah ha, you did something nice.

Goodness wins.

- Freak.

- Alright, Nina,
now the rule is,

is that you have to do
something nice for... (grunts)

(audience laughing)

- Thank you Finch.

You saved my life.

- Cigarette, baby?

(audience laughing)

- Thanks for
getting rid of Chris.

- I forgot how good it
feels to fire someone.

My body is literally humming.

- Excuse me, but,
do you have the time?

- What do I look like,
some kind of slut?

(audience laughing)

- You slept with
Chris, didn't you?

- Yes.

- That's okay.

I slept with the woman
with the monocle.

(audience laughing)

- [Director] And action.

- You slept with
Chris, didn't you?

- Yes.

- That's okay, so did I.

(audience laughing)

- We put the fun
back in dysfunctional.

(audience laughing)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do

♪ Cause, it's got
a mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you