Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 14 - The Auction - full transcript

Elliot and Maya go on dates after their breakup. Finch tries to jeopardize the auction of Jack' collection after he feels betrayed.

- Hey Nina, (audience laughing)

Made ya a mix tape,

I put songs on it that say
something about who I am.

- Charming.

Oops I Did it Again
by Brittany Spears.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, the message
of that one is

I'm not perfect.

- What did I do with
those sunglasses.

(plastic smashes)

- Uh oh, I hope that was a bug.

(audience laughing)

- Did you just crush them?

- I don't know,

were they in three
pieces before?

- Ah!

(audience laughing)

- The bad news is,

you still give her the creeps.

- What's the good news?

- Jack Gallo's office.

- That didn't even ring.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- I can't believe you're
gonna auction off

all this cool stuff.

- Remember Dennis,

it's not just for charity.

It's for my charity.

After all, we can't
do enough for

the rain forests.

- The homeless.
- Amen!

(audience laughing)

What's the story
with these gold clubs?

- Given to me by Dean Martin.

Read the note.

- When the ball hits your eye

like a big pizza pie,
that's Jack Gallo.

- It's actually my joke.

- Yeah, well done.

(audience laughing)

- Make sure you read it

when you auction the clubs.

- I will, I will Jack,
I'm so psyched out.

This is gonna be big time.

Check this out.

Lot number seven, hey,

Liza Minelli's stretch pants,

what do we got out there?

Lets get thirty five dollars,

we got thirty-five dollar,
we got forty-five dollar,

what's going on
there, forty-five,

we got forty-five,
forty-five go fifty,


sold to the man with the pointy
beard and the walking stick.

(audience laughing)

- Don't do it that way.

- Okay.

Anyway, hah, next item.

- Dennis, this is unexpected.

- Well just a little
sumpin, sumpin.

Eh, I was at the arcade

and they had a machine.

Read the inscription.

- Private Dennis Finch
reporting for booty.

- Those are mine.

- General Jack
Gallo, Blush Brigade.

- Kind a cool right?

It works, since we're in

the trenches together.

- I get it.

(audience laughing)

Well Dennis, I'll put these in

an honored place
among my possessions.

- Or you could where 'em.

- Oh, yes I could.

(audience laughing)


- Yeah.

- Ah ah, hee.

- Hey Maya, tell your date

the limo's picking us
up at 5:00, not 5:30.

Shot gun...
- Shot gun!

- Ah, ha ha, ow!

(audience laughing)

- Date huh.

- Yeah, I guess I should
have told you earlier

but I didn't quite
know how to bring it up.

- No it's cool.

I'm bringing someone too.

- Oh, okay.

- But frankly I'm a
little surprised that you

even thought it was an issue.

- Oh well, it's only
been a couple of weeks.

- Two whole weeks.

That's four weekend nights.

- Oh, well, I guess this is

still awkward for me.

- Hey well, good luck with that.

(audience laughing)

- You don't have a date do you?

- Of course I don't have a date,

it's only been two weeks.

Two little weeks.

- Calm down, she said
she was feeling awkward.

- I have to find a date.

- So you know a lot
of attractive models.

- Yes, you're right.

I'll call Amber.

- Ah married.

- Brigette.

- Gay.

(audience laughing)

- Dominique, hum.

- Lost her leg, found God.

- What am I gonna
do, I only have an hour.

- Relax, I happen to
know just the woman.

She's cute, she's charming

and she's a successful surgeon.

- Wow, how do you
know a surgeon?

- Feel my ass.

- Ha, that's good.

Did she do that?

- No I just needed
a little pick me up.

(audience laughing)

(fast music)

- Sold. Sold. (hammer smacks)

Guilty, I find you guilty.

There will be order.

Ew, I find you guilty
of turning me on.

(audience laughing)

30 days!

- Dennis, I'm a happy man!

A little dining, a
little auctioning

and then tomorrow off

to Vermont for fly fishing.

- I thought that
was next weekend.

- No, no, no,
remember I got that spot

right next to the pipe where

the trout come out.

(audience laughing)

So you didn't tie my flies.

- Don't worry about it,

I'll do it right
after the auction.


- Are we still doing that?

- Oh yeah.

(audience laughing)


- Keep paying me, I'll tie

those flies for you.

- Really?

- Yeah, I need money.

I'm gonna surprise Nine with

a new pair of sunglasses.

- How much will it cost me?

- 50 dollars!

20 dollars?


- Yeah, done.

- I would have done it for two.

- How about two?

- Okay. (audience laughing)

- There we go.

- Oh, by the way, I found these.

I didn't know Mr. Gallo
was a General.

- Where did you find them?

- In the kitchen trash.

- He threw 'em away.

- I'll cheer ya up for a dollar.

Cootchee, chootchee, chootchee.

(audience laughing)

- [Elliot] Where
the hell is she,

it's getting late.

Why did I trust Nina.

Oh, look at her, she'd be great.

Oh God, she's walking this way,

please be my date,
please be my date,

please be my date.

Damn it!

Too good to be true.

- Are you Elliot DiMauro?

- Yes! (audience laughing)

- Hi, I'm Stacy, your date.

- Hi, sorry about the screaming.

You know, I haven't
dated in awhile.

- I like a little screaming
from time to time.

- Well good, 'cause
I'm a screamer!

What did I say?

Oh, ha.

(audience laughing)

- Hello.

- Hey, Maya this
is my date Stacy.

- Hi Maya Gallo.

- Nice to meet you.

- Stacy's a surgeon.

- Oh.

- Oh indeed then.

- We met in the ER a week ago,

I pulled a nail out of his foot.

- Oh Elliot, you didn't tell
me you were in the ER.

- Then he came back

to my place and
he hung a picture

with that very same nail.

(audience laughing)

- I did.

- Maya, there's a Tucker
on his way up to see you.

- Oh, that's my date,
he's a professor of music.

He also invented something

called the slap flute.

(audience laughing)

- What the Hell was that?

- Hey, I did my best.

You really threw me
with that surgeon thing.

- What do you mean threw you,

that's what you do.

- Oh I hear you, I'll do my best

but a stewardess would have been

a lot easier.

- Stewardess?

- Look, it's your 1,200 bucks.

I will be what ever
you want me to be.

- Wait, you're a...
(audience laughing)

- Elliot?

You and Stacy ready to go?

- You bet.

We're ready for 1,200
CCs of good time!

(audience laughing)

(upbeat percussive music)

- Shrimp puffs?

- Calvin, what are
you doing here?

- Earning tips.

Will there be anything else?

- I'm afraid I don't
have any money.

- Her Dad's only a billionaire.

(audience laughing)

- Nina, where the
Hell have you been?

- Oh, I got into the wrong limo

outside my building and ended

up at the Peruvian consulate.

FYI, we may soon be at war.

- Nine, you set me
up with a hooker.

- She's not a hooker.

She's a high class escort.

- Oh, what's the difference.

- About nine hundred dollars

and a slight element of doubt as

to the outcome of your evening.

(audience laughing)

- What happened to my surgeon?

- Oh she had to cancel

apprently one of
her breast implant

patients went sky
diving and oh, well,

it's along story!

(audience laughing)

- So why didn't you tell me?

- Look I wanted to but you were

never around.

- I was at work.

- You were but I wasn't.

- Well, why didn't you call?

- Oh, you were in crises,

now given the time
constraint I did pretty well

so you're welcome.

- No look, if Maya finds out

I'm here with a hooker,

I'll be more humiliated than

if I were here alone.

- Yeah, then they probably
shouldn't be chatting.

(audience laughing)

- Oh by the way,

she told me she can't read so.

- What?

- Boy what do you think

of the description of lot 52?

- Ho, ah.

- Exactly.

(audience laughing)

- You are reading?

Oh, okay, no more reading.

- Alright, we're
about to start people.

Take your seats.

- Everyone having a good time?

That's my boy up there.

Dennis, my man!

- Hey you cold hearted jackass.

(audience laughing)

- What, what did he say?

- Okay lot number
one, let's bring it out.

A one of a kind Dolce & Gabbana

halter bikini once worn

by super model, Heidi Klum.

We'll start the
bidding at 200 dollars.


(audience laughing)

(gavel smacks)

Sold, 10,000. dollars
to Mr. Jack Gallo!

- What's going on?

(audience laughing)

(fast guitar music)

- And that's when I realized

that by slapping the flute,

you fuse melody and percussion.

(audience laughing)

- As a doctor,

I slap new born
babies every day.

Then I give 'em
back, it's the law.

- Stacy, I don't
want to bother you,

but the other day I
was playing tennis

and something popped
in my rotator cuff.

- No kidding,

I was just reading
about the rotator cuff

in my medical book.

(audience laughing)

- Do you think I
should see a specialist?

- Maya, Maya the last
thing Stacy wants to do

is talk shop.

- No, no, no, I don't mind.

- Ha huh.

- Let me take a look at that.

Ah there.

- Oh, my God you
have an amazing touch.

- Yeah, I picked
this up in Thailand.

At Thailand General.

(audience laughing)

- So what da ya think?

- Ah, a little
ice, a little heat.

Try not to move it,
then move it real fast!

(audience laughing)

- I see, after resting
it, dive back in!

- Why not.

- We're gonna walk away now,

everyone wants to meet Stacy.

I can't believe we're
getting away with it.

- This is cool, I
am getting respect.

I like being a doctor.

- Yeah well that's great.

But from here on in, let's just

keep to ourselves, okay.

- Hey, I know you.

Weren't you at Ted
Kennedy's pool party?

(audience laughing)

- Okay, we're back.

The next charity item is donated

by our precious
host, Mr. Jack Gallo.

(crowd applause)

Alright, that's quite enough.

(audience laughing)

Now, who will start

the bidding on his
crappy old golf clubs?

Come on folks, they're rusty and

the bag smells like
a sweaty old man.

Let's go.

(audience laughing)

- What the Hell is he doing?

- Don't worry, I'll
get the ball rolling.

- Seven dollars!

- I hear seven dollars.

Come on folks,
it's useless clutter

for the back of the garage.

(audience laughing)

- Jack for God's sakes

save me, I don't have the money.

- A thousand dollars!

I think there's some
confusion everyone.

These were Dean Martin's clubs!

- We think.

- 1,010.

- Going once.

- 1,020.

Stop it.

- Well, I tried

but I seem to have a problem.

(audience laughing)

(gavel clinks)
- Sold to Jack Gallo!

(crowd applause)

- Excuse me, excuse me,

we're, we're gonna have

a little intermission now.

- Ah, gah, gah.

(audience laughing)

- Have you lost your mind?

- Yeah, I did and
guess what, I found it

in the garbage with these.

- What's that?

- What da ya mean, what's that!

They're the dog tags I
gave ya, General Jerk!

(audience laughing)

I can't believe you
threw them away.

- Well Dennis, they were nice,

but I don't know.

I guess I thought of
'em like Christmas cards.

You gave 'em to
me, I enjoyed them,

then I threw them away.

- Ah, you threw away
my Christmas cards?

(audience laughing)

(hand smacks)

(guitar music)

- Elliot, are you okay?

- It's so annoying.

I keep looking over there

to see if she's having
fun with her date,

but she's clearly
not looking over here

to see if I'm having
nay fun with you.

(audience laughing)

- Do you want to go
to the back of the limo

and do it or something?

(hand smacks)

- Oh, what's the point!

(audience laughing)

She's obviously moved on.

(flute toots)

- Look, I shouldn't
be telling you this,

but you seem so upset.

That guy with May,
he's a major perv.

- What?

- He uses our
agency all the time.

- Oh, come on.

- Let's just say,

he has some very
unusual requests.

- Like what?

- And we're back.

The next item is this
antique pony saddle

and leather riding crop.

- Mine, I'm over
here, over here.

(audience laughing)

(fast guitar music)

- Maya's date goes
out with escorts?

- He's what we
call a specialty guy.

I can't go into details

but let's just say
he generally feels

he's been very, very naughty.

- But how come he doesn't
seem to recognize you?

- He's not really
allowed to look up.

(audience laughing)

- Oh.

- Feel this leather.

That's gotta sting!

- Tucker would
you get me a drink.

- You command, I obey.

(audience laughing)

- What have you got there Maya?

- Oh, um, Tucker
bought this riding crop.

He paid a lot of
money for it, but,

it's all for charity.

- Well you know what they say,

give till it hurts.

Am I right?

- How's your rotator cuff?

- Ah, we're doing something new.

(audience laughing)

- So this Tucker, he seems nice.

- He is.

- Yeah, so normal guy,

the kind that neighbors
might describe

as quiet and keeps to himself.

- Alright, where
we going with this?

- Well the thing is

and I take no pleasure
in telling you this

but Tucker pays
for sex, weird sex.

- What? What are
you talking about?

- And the reason I
know it, I must confess,

is that Stacy here is not
a doctor, but a hooker.

(hand smacks)
(audience laughing)

- Ah!

- How dare you!

I did not spend 12
years at medical school

to be used as a prop

in some pathetic attempt to get

back at the woman
who dumped you!

- Huh.

- He came into the ER drunk

and screaming your name.

I should have
known then.
- [Maya] Huh.

- Why are you doing this to me?

I'm paying you!

(hand smacks)
- Ah!

(audience laughing)

- Elliot I don't know
what you're drinking

or what's spinning in your head.

- Oh, where'd ya go to
school, what's your specialty?

Point to your pancreas now!

(hand smacks)
- Ah!

- Let's stop doing that!

- Now listen,

you are too classy a
woman to be with him.

And you have gained weight!

(audience laughing)

- What are you doing?

- The stuff I told you
was in confidence.

Clients have a right
to some privacy!

I have a code!

- You're a hooker.

- With a code.

(audience laughing)

- Ah, I can't believe this.

- Look, I've just
about had it with you.

Now do you want to go
back to the limo or not?

- And do what?

Play doctor?

(hand smacks)
- Ah!

(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)

- And sold for 5,000 dollars.

Go home, write it
off, feel like a hero.

Alright, that's our auction,

thank you a lot.

- Excuse me Mr. Auctioneer

but we have one
more item up for bid.,

Sorry boys, it's not me.

(audience laughing)

- Alright, let's
get it over with,

I don't get it.

- Go ahead Dennis,
open the bidding.

- Ah, one pair

of slightly used...
- Dog tags.

You see folks,

there's an interesting
story behind them.

They represent a bond

between two men who have
been in the trenches side by side.

- But not in a gay way.

(audience laughing)

- Who will start the bidding?

- I will.

I bid one friendship!

- Sold.

(gavel clinks)

- That's too much.

(audience laughing)

(audience applause)

- What's wrong Elliot?

- Nothing, it's a
little complicated.

- You want to tell me about it?

- Well, it sound a little crazy

but I have to prove to
Maya my date's not a doctor

and I can't.

- How much is it worth to you?

- Huh?

- If I could prove it,
would you pay me,

carry the two,

118 dollars?

- Yeah I guess so,
but how ya gonna

do that huh?

Oh my God!

- Is there a doctor
in the house?

(audience laughing)

- Stacy come quick!

- [Elliot] No not her.

- Give me that towel.

- Wow!
- Ew!

- She really knows
what she's doing.

- I want her to look at my rash.

(audience laughing)

- Now get this man
to a hospital stat!

(crowd applause)

- Kevin you crazy kid,

why would you do
something like that?

- To make money so I
can buy you your glasses.

- Remember they're
genuine tortoise shell.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Elliot, I think I'm
gonna take off now.

- How the Hell did you know

how to dealwith Kevin?

- I don't know,
instinct I guess.

I really think this is
what I'm supposed to do.

- What do you mean?

- I'm gonna quite
being a call girl

and become a doctor.

- But you can't read.

- Alright then, maybe a vet.

(audience laughing)

- Stacy goodnight,
nice job with Kevin.

- You take care
of that shoulder.

- Elliot can I talk to you?

- Absolutely, I can
explain everything.

- No, I don't want you to.

Look this breakup
hasn't been easy

for me either.

But I'm trying to
get on with my life

and I find it impossible

to do that until you start
getting on with yours.

- It's just that, it's just that
it's been only two weeks.

And it's hard for me to
see you with someone else.

- It's hard for me too.

- Um, that's funny.

I had all these strategies

for dealing with
an office romance

but nothing planned
for an office breakup.

- I guess that's kind of sweet,

in a weird way.

- Well I'll let you
get back to Tucker.

- Well not that it's
any of your business

but I already sent him home.

It's just too soon.

- Well it's his loss.

'Cause you're looking good.

Really, really good.

- I'm not going home with you.

- No, I know you're
not going home.

(audience laughing)

- Gah, yeah ha.

- Ah bye.

(upbeat guitar music)

- Hey auction guy.

- Yeah?

- Can you read?

- Yeah.

- Want to teach me?

- Actually I was gonna
take my boss out for donuts.

(audience laughing)

- What if I promised you

the greatest sex
you've ever had?

- Alright, let's sound it out.


(audience laughing)
(upbeat guitar music)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you