Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 15 - Mayas and Tigers and Deans, Oh My - full transcript

(Just Shoot Me
Theme Song Playing)

- Hey, have you
seen the new intern?

- No, which is why I have
to get my own licorice.

(audience laughing)

- Finch, he's not coming
here to be your gopher,

he is coming here to learn.

- Well he's gonna learn
to kiss my tiny hiney.

(audience laughing)

- How old are you?

- Listen, I saw his resume

Quarterback, prom
king, this is the same kind



of high school big shot who
taught the special ed boys

to hold me down
and kiss my neck.

(audience laughing)

- He's not like that.

I chose him because
his essay revealed

a mature, insightful writer.

- Okay, not only do I hate
him but now I hate you.

(audience laughing)

- Maya - Oh, Dean, hi.

- Am I late?

I got on the express elevator,
I ended up on the roof.

- Oh, that's where they're
holding the genius convention.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, cool coat.



- Really?

You want to wear it?

(audience laughing)

- Wear it, that's a good one.

- Yeah I was kidding,
I was all wear it.

(audience laughing)

- This is Finch.

- What's up, buddy?

- What's up, bud?

- Nothin (audience laughing)

- Nothin dude -
Alright - Alright

- Alright - Alright

- Alright, well now is a good
time to show you around.

- Great, see you later

- Hey, hey buddy, well
I should go with you.

Being as though
I got all the keys.

(audience laughing)

- Jack, I had the most
incredible weekend.

- Good for you.

- Well if you must
know the details.

I met the perfect man
on Saturday night.

- I'm so glad.

- Not that it's any
of your business,

(audience laughing)

but his name is the
amazing Zigmund.

- What?

The magician?

- Please Jack, I like to
keep my private life private.

(audience laughing)

- But I'm a big fan.

I've seen his
Broadway show twice.

- Please, stop
prying, it's rude.

(audience laughing)

- Hey Jack, can we talk
about that swimwear layout?

- Of course, don't
let me interrupt.

Just because I may or may not
have found a special someone.

- Okay

- Honestly, you and Jack,
you're like two old women.

Alright, his name is
the amazing Zigmund.

- The magician?

- Oh for God sakes,
this is ridiculous.

(audience laughing)

I am dating a celebrity.

I don't know why that's
so fascinating to all of you.

(audience laughing)

Any questions?

- Amazing Zigmund huh?

I thought that guy was gay.

- Gay?

No, he's just flamboyant.

The guy is a master showman.

- Please, I saw him on
TV once being lowered

into a basket of cobras
wearing a shiny speedo

and a pair of angel wings.

- And you remembered
it, that's showmanship.

- Yeah, but

- No buts, if you
like the snake trick

you've got to see him live.

He and a volunteer
climb into a box

with two man eating
tigers then poof,

the tigers are gone
and somehow Zigmund

is wearing a fancy ballgown.

(audience laughing)

For laughs.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Still wearing the coat, huh?

- Damn straight, baby.

(audience laughing)

- It's like 80 degrees in here.

- I know, but the
zipper's stuck.

Give her one last try.

There she blows.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, do you mind
if I check my email?

This buddy of mine
up at Fordham's

throwing this killer keg party.

- Oh, a kegger?

- Yeah, I don't suppose you

well, nah, you wouldn't want
to go to some stupid keg party

with a bunch of
drunk sorority girls.

- God, no, but I mean I
will for old times sake.

(audience laughing)

Should I bring a
pie or something?

- You're kidding, right?

- Yeah, I was all bring a pie?

(Dean laughing)

- You're one dead pan dude.

(audience laughing)

- Dean, this research you did

on female athletes is
outstanding, so here you go.

- Do you want me to
make copies or something?

- No, I want you to
turn it into an article.

- Really?

For the magazine?

- I know, it's very exciting.

I couldn't even
believe when I said it.

(audience laughing)

- I'm gonna set you
up a work station.

- Hey, Dean, you've got mail.

Now that was a movie,
(audience laughing)

for nerds.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, it's just from
my girlfriend, Julie.

- Oh, this Julie, she's going
to the same college as you?

- Nah, she's got another
year of high school left.

- Oh yeah, well
if I know my man,

he's gonna be cuttin her loose.

- Yeah, you've got that right.

New school, new girls.

- Oh yeah, when are you
gonna drop the hammer.

- Ah, I don't want
to make a big scene.

I'll probably just
string her along

until I get out of there.

I'll write her a
letter and dump her.

- That way you get a nice
little horizontal send-off.

(Finch makes squeaking sounds)

(Finch and Dean laughing)

(dreamy music)

- Oh Steve, I'm gonna
miss you so much.

(audience laughing)

- Well, hey

- Now promise you'll call
as soon as you get there.

- Oh yeah, the minute I
get settled in the dorm.

- Last night was
really special, wasn't it?

- It was very special.

- And you were so right.

I wanted my first time
to be with someone I love

and it was.

(car honks)

- Well there's my ride.

(audience laughing)

- Oh God, it's like we
can't let go of each other.

(audience laughing)

(car honking)

- Maya

Maya, where's my work station?

- There won't be a work station.

- Where do I write my article?

- There won't be an article.

- I don't understand, you said

- Yeah, now I'm saying
something different.

Disappointing, isn't it?

(audience laughing)

- What'd I do?

- She's got a thing for
me, it's complicated.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Ah, excuse me, I'm
looking for Nina Van Horn.

- And you are?

- The Amazing Zigmund!

(audience laughing)

It's on my card.

- Dude, I don't have your card.

- Well of course you do.

It's inside that banana.

- Oh my God (audience laughing)

- Thank you (audience laughing)

- Dude, I brought
this thing from home.

(audience laughing)

- Mi amore - Girlfriend!

(kissing sounds)

- Elliot, this is the Amazing
Zigmund, my new beau.

- Hey, nice to meet you.

- Nicer to meet you.

- Okay (audience laughing)

- Well, I'm gonna
go get my boss.

Remember, be nice to
him, he's a big, big fan

and, by the way, you were right.

My belt looks
much better on you.

(audience laughing)

- So you work with
the big cats, huh?

- Well it's not so
much work as play.

(audience laughing)

- What's the trick?

- Oh there's no trick.

I control the tigers
with total focus.

- And maybe some
tranquilizers, huh?

(audience laughing)

- It's all in the eyes.

The tigers know
what I want from them

and they give it to me
(audience laughing)

and then, boop,

they're doing things
they never imagined.

- Boop (audience laughing)

- Boop - Zig, this
is Jack Gallow.

- Hello, I am a big fan.

- You are one and
now you have one.

Check inside your coat pocket.

(audience laughing)

- I don't believe it.

- Then believe this.

I would like you to
be my assistant tonight

in my tiger in the box illusion.

- You mean it?

- Mais oui

In fact, I hope you'll
all be my guests tonight

and join me backstage.

After all, you
already have tickets.

- Oh, you devil, where are they?

- At the will call window!

(audience laughing)

- Ta Da!

- This is great, I'm
gonna be in the tiger trick.

Should I get a haircut?

- Jack, Jack, Zigmund
just tried to hit on me.

- What?

- We need to tell Nina.

- We don't have to tell Nina

because he didn't make a
pass at you because he's not gay.

- He ran his finger
up and down my face

and then he booped my nose.

(audience laughing)

- I don't know what booping is,

but I'm sure you misunderstood.

(audience laughing)

- Boop

- Maybe you should
have a word with her.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- What are you doing?

- I spilled all my
weight gain powder.

(audience laughing)

- Why don't you
make Dean clean it up?

If he ever gets back
with my sandwich.

- Why are you on his
case all of the sudden?

- Uh, he's getting
what he deserves.

Oh, okay, where the
hell have you been?

- Standing in line at the deli
waiting for your sandwich.

- Hey man, at this kegger,

do you think they'll
have light beer?

(audience laughing)

- What part of the phrase wheat
bread don't you understand?

- They were out, so I
just assumed a fresh roll...

- Uh, lesson number one, a
good journalist never assumes.

- Oh, lesson number two, have
your dad own the magazine.

(audience laughing)

- What is your problem?

If I wanted to
learn about bread,

I'd be an intern at a bakery.

- Dean one, Maya
zero (audience laughing)

- You know Dean,
I know your type.

You're never thinking about
how your actions effect others,

well it's not gonna
happen again.

I want my sandwich
and I want it on wheat.

- She's nuts (audience laughing)

- You know what
they say brother.

Crazy in the head,
crazy in the bed.

(audience laughing)

- How old are you?

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- [Elliot] Hey - Hey

- I wanted to talk to
you about Zigmund.

- Aw, me first.

Isn't he wonderful?

You know he's exactly
the man I was looking for?

- Really because he

- Well, we share the
same sense of style,

the same sense of humor.

I can see us
growing old together,

nursing each
other back to health

after ground breaking
plastic surgery.

(audience laughing)

- Are you serious?

- Oh yeah, surgeons are just
gonna get better and better.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, but see the
thing is that you know

(phone ringing)

- Oh, hang on.

Yeah?

Hey, Ziggy.

Oh yeah and I'm giving
you back Eskimo kisses

right back into this phone.

(kissing sounds)

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, you mean
the one in the bowl?

Uh huh

Okay, hang on a sec.

Say hi to Ziggy.

- Hello (audience laughing)

Uh, black pants
and a gray-ish shirt.

(Nina gasps)

- Oh my God, oh my God

You are the sweetest
man in the world.

I love it.

Alright, I must see you.

Yeah, the Man
Hole Cafe is perfect.

(audience laughing)

(Nina babbling excitedly)

- Nina

- Where is Dean?

The copy machine
is out of toner.

- Uh, that's not his job.

- His job is
whatever I say it is.

(phone rings)

- Mistress Maya's
House of Discipline

(audience laughing)

- You know, it's so
typical of guys like him.

They just walk out the door

and forget that
anybody's waitin for him.

- Oh my God, it's the hospital.

Dean got hit by a cab
coming back from the Deli.

- No - And no word
on your sandwich.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Dean, it's me,
Maya, can I come in?

- Sure

- I'd offer you a chair,
but it's not a sandwich

and I know how much
they mean to you.

- Oh my God, I'm so
sorry, this is all my fault.

- Oh God, don't blame yourself.

Blame the overburdened
mental health system

that let you out
so very, very early.

(audience laughing)

- Ah, there's my man.

How ya feelin?

Check this out, I
snuck in a sixer.

That's six-pack nerd.

(audience laughing)

Look what else, a football.

(audience laughing)

- What am I supposed
to do with that?

- I don't know, I mean, just

I'll take it back,
I got the receipt.

- Finch, where's your coat?

Aren't you cold?

- I thought you
were over the coat.

- No way, dude, the coat rocks.

- The coat does rock, dude.

It's in the car, I'll go get it.

(audience laughing)

- Where did you find that guy?

- Let me try and explain

why I've been
acting the way I have.

See, when I was in High
School I had this boyfriend.

His name was Steve
and I was crazy about him

and I thought that he
was in love with me,

but as soon as he went
to college he dumped me

just like you're
gonna do to Julie.

- What?

- I heard you tell Finch.

- So, you've been
punishing me for something

that your boyfriend did
to you when you were 17?

- I'm in therapy.

- Okay, look, not that
it's any of your business,

but things aren't that
simple with me and Julie.

- What do you mean?

- I mean, I don't want
to break up with her,

I just feel like
I'm supposed to.

- Why?

- I don't know, it's,

that's what all the
guys say, you know?

- Okay, so, are you going
to listen to your friends

or are you going to
listen to your heart?

- I don't want to let her go.

- Okay, then don't.

- Well, yeah, I mean,
we'll be far apart,

but, I mean, I think
we can work this out.

- Then work it out.

- Yeah, I mean, what do I
care what the guys think?

- The hell with the guys.

- Yeah because I love Julie!

- And she still loves you.

(audience laughing)

- Dean, I got... Oh my God!

- Julie, no, she jumped on me.

- How could you?

- You ruined my life!

- And here comes the coat.

Oh man, you should've seen it,

this little blonde
hottie was all boo hoo

and then she tripped on a
mop and did a flippity flop

and then she fell on her
fanny and I saw a little panty.

(audience laughing)

What, Oh my God!

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Jack, please, you
tell Nina about Zigmund.

- Can't it wait until
after the show?

He's not getting any gayer.

Now where is he?

I was under the impression
we'd be rehearsing.

- Jack, the stage
manager's looking for you.

- Ah, about the tiger act.

I bet they make me
take an oath of secrecy.

(audience laughing)

- Actually he's
gonna be reprimanded

for breaking into the green
room and eating too many shrimp.

(audience laughing)

Anyway, on to you.

Ziggy is very fond of you.

- Yeah, about that.

You know there's
something I want to tell you

and it's not gonna be easy.

- Oh, sound it out,
that's what I do.

- It's about Zigmund.

I think he's gay.

- He's not gay, he is super gay.

(audience laughing)

- What, you know that?

- Please, I've been
in fashion for 30 years.

I knew from the moment he said,

"darling your frock is fabu."

- But I don't understand.

- Oh that's short for fabulous.

- Yeah, I know that,
(audience laughing)

why are you dating him?

- Well cause it's the perfect
arrangement, you know?

He maintains a
certain appearance

for his more conservative
fans and I get a man whose kind,

a man who's generous,

a man who has a diamond
encrusted motorboat.

(audience laughing)

- But Nina, you're
giving up on true love.

- No I'm not, I truly
love the lifestyle.

(audience laughing)

- So, how would you
define too many shrimp?

- I don't know, a dozen?

- A dozen?

We're talking
shrimp, not hot dogs.

- Oh, Nina, have you
met Pamela Anderson?

- Wait a minute, Nina Van Horn?

- Yes

- I think you know
what that's for.

- I do and I think you
know what this is for.

- No, I don't, what?

- For slapping me.

- You know, this isn't over.

After I finish that tiger trick

we're gonna take this outside.

- Bring it on sister,
I was born outside.

(audience laughing)

- That doesn't even make sense.

(audience laughing)

- Um, Pamela, actually
I'm the volunteer

for the tiger trick.

- No, Zigmund changed his mind.

- The hell he did

- Oh Jack, you're
out, Pamela's in.

(audience laughing)

- That could mean anything.

(audience laughing)

- Don't be hurt, I'm just
a much bigger celebrity.

- I'm the editor of
Blush Magazine.

- I'm the fantasy of
every man in America.

- Well not this man, honey.

Now let's end this with
a nice, big, long hug.

(audience laughing)

- Hello, Elliot.

I'm glad you and I
are alone right now.

I'd like to have
a word with you.

- Okay, but please, no boop.

- There's something
I'd like to share with you

artist to artist.

(audience laughing)

This is the last
night This is the

(audience laughing)

This is the last night I get
into the box with the tigers.

- Really?

Why?

- It's too dangerous.

Now that Nina's in my
life, I have too much to lose.

I'm consumed
with desire for her.

- Listen Ziggy, you don't
have to pretend around me.

I'm around gay
people - Gay people?

- Yeah - Who's gay?

(audience laughing)

- Come on, Zig.

You are.

(audience laughing)

- I'm not gay.

What makes you think I'm gay?

(audience laughing)

- Well, the clothes, the
manner, the gay cape.

(audience laughing)

- I am a showman.

What am I supposed to wear?

A member's only jacket?

(audience laughing)

The persona is a marketing tool.

- But Nina said she was
gonna be your beard.

- Nina thinks I'm gay?

- I don't know, I forget.

(audience laughing)

- [ Zigmund] Nina
- Hello darling

- Zigmund, about
this volunteer mix up.

- Do you think I'm gay?

- There'll be other shows.

(audience laughing)

- What?

- You heard me.

Do you think I'm gay?

- Well of course you are.

- But I'm not, I'm not gay.

I'm British.

- Why haven't you
tried to sleep with me?

- Well I never have
sex while I'm on tour.

You know, I have to keep
total focus to control the cats.

- You're serious?

- Look, I want to retire.

Maybe settle down,
have some kids.

I have some land in Tennessee.

- Tennessee!

Who lives in Tennessee?

No!

- [Announcer] And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome the
Amazing Zigmund.

(drumming)

- I don't know what to say.

My whole world is unspooling!

- Well it's all your fault

that our whole pretend
relationship was based on a lie.

(audience laughing)

- Nina, come back!

- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, once again,

the Amazing Zigmund!

- Uh, Ziggy, we're on.

- Oh, uh, I got to,
uh, be focused.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, well, just think
of a hot, hunky guy.

(audience laughing)

(tigers roaring)

- Wow, Zigmund
seems really upset.

- Ah, he'll be okay, he's a pro.

(tigers roaring)

(audience gasping and screaming)

- Alright, this one
you're telling Nina.

(audience laughing)

("Life Keeps Bringing Me
Back To You" by Lauren Wood)