Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 13 - The Proposal: Part 2 - full transcript

- [Maya] Previously
on Just Shoot Me.

- You wanna marry Maya?

Are you sure?

- Never been more certain
of anything in my life.

- It's the ring.

- Yes, the ring!

- What, what ring?

- It's been in the
family for generations.

- Maya, will you marry me?

- Yes, yes I'll marry you!

- My little girl is
getting married!



- Ooh, it's a
little hot in here.

- Elliot, you look
awful, are you alright?

- I can't breathe!

(audience laughs)

I gotta get outta here!

- [Maya] Oh my god!

(upbeat guitar music)

- I'm dying.

- No, you're not dying.

Everything is gonna be okay.

- I swear to God, I
had a heart attack.

I heard a popping
sound inside my chest.

I swear, I'm dying!

- Elliot, if you can't
fight anymore, it's okay.



(audience laughs)

Let go, just let go.

- He's going to be fine!

I promise!

- Well, it's nothing physical.

My guess is, we're
looking at a panic attack.

- A panic attack?

It was just a panic attack?

- No, that's not right!

- I have to say that
as panic attacks go,

it was extremely severe,
I've never seen anything like it.

- This is so humiliating!

- Maybe we should go
check on how they're doing

with Dennis' toe.

Maya, we'll be in pediatrics!

(audience laughs)

- Maya, this was
not a panic attack.

I was near death, I swear!

- Have you been under
a great deal of stress

for some reason?

- Quite the opposite,

in fact we just got
engaged tonight.

- Oh!

Oh.

(audience laughs)

Oh.

- Yep, he's all mine!

- Understand something
about me doctor,

I'm a very deep person.

I think about death all the
time, I know what death is.

And tonight I was right
there, staring it in the face!

- Elliot, you're not dying.

And quite frankly, honey,
you're not that deep.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. DiMauro, we
did a number of tests.

You can take a look
at 'em if you'd like to.

- Oh, I'd like to look at them.

Yes, I'd like to look
at them very closely!

- Alright.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Listen, if you'd like to take
a moment in the chapel...

- Thanks!

(audience laughs)

- Aha, aha!

This is significant!

- Elliot, Elliot, just face it,

you're not ready to get married!

- Alright, maybe I
experienced a little case

of the jitters.

- In the ambulance,
you were trying

to pull the ring off my finger.

- I was grasping
your hand for comfort.

- Your foot was on my chest.

(audience laughs)

- So I got a little
nervous, lots of guys do,

but I'm over it now!

I just wanna start
our life together.

Hey, hey, let's go buy a house!

(audience laughs)

- Let's just go back
to the way things were.

- No you can't, you've
already said yes!

- I take it back.

- No, you can't take it back.

- Look, you're
getting off easy here!

Don't push it!

- [Elliot] I don't accept this!

- I'm going home.

- Alright, look fine, I'll
just keep asking you

until you say yes again!

- Don't forget to give
the ring back to my Dad.

- Happy birthday!

(audience laughs)

- Five failed marriages,
Maya's broken engagemenet,

what is it about this ring?

- Oh yes, clearly
the ring is to blame.

(audience laughs)

- Well regardless,
I'm not gonna let Maya

suffer the way I have.

All that matters is getting
this engagement back on track!

- Woo, we have satellite!

- Oh, Animal Planet!

Look at the gazelles!

(phone rings)

Look one of them is limping.

Now here's Mister Lion.

Oh, that's unfortunate!

- Jack, they need
you in graphics.

- Change my lunch
order to a salad.

(audience laughs)

- [Weatherman] The
weather picture looks fantastic!

Today will be sunny and
mild, overnight lows in the mid...

- [Newscaster] Bad
day on Wall Street.

The NASDAQ is down again...

(male voice on television
speaking foreign language)

- [Woman] I command
you to take off my panties!

- Ooh, la la!

(audience laughs)

- [Man] Whatever
you say, General.

- Private, are you familiar
with operation Adam and Eve?

- That in the event
of a nuclear war,

the last remaining man
and woman must procreate?

- Makes sense.

- Let's move over to the couch.

It's time for a practice drill.

- That's quite an art collection
you've got there, General.

- Just something I
picked up from the enemy.

(audience laughs)

Private, commence firing!

- Oh my god!

- [Woman] Oh my god!

(audience laughs)

(upbeat guitar music)

- Hey, you go to the
gym this morning?

- Yeah.

- Good workout?

- Yeah.

- Wanna marry me?

- No.

- Drinking tea huh?

- Yeah.

- Be my wife?

- No!

- You know, you're
gonna slip up eventually.

- No, I won't!

- You might!

(door slams)

(audience laughs)

- Finch, I've got a great idea.

You open Jack's
door, then I'll ask you

to show me how to
use my new computer.

Then you'll say no,
then I'll say that I won't

be able to work, and you'll
say tough, and I'll go home.

- We took your computer
away six months ago.

- Well, then what's
that thing on my desk?

- Bread maker.

(audience laughs)

Jack gave it to
you for Christmas.

- Oh, right.

- But I have gossip.

- Ooh, let's hear it!

- I happen to know that
a pornographic movie

was filmed right
here in Jack's office.

And I think someone
at Blush is responsible.

- So, any suspects?

(audience laughs)

- None yet, but I
have some ideas.

- Must be Jack, I mean
who else would have access

to his office?

- Anybody, he leaves
it open every night.

- Hmm.

Then it's Akbar from Accounting.

(audience laughs)

He's different from
us, I'm suspicious.

- No, it has to be someone
with no moral center.

Someone who usually needs money.

Someone who makes
extremely poor decisions.

(audience laughs)

Possibly a drinker.

- I tell you, it's Akbar!

(audience laughs)

Listen, I had no idea it was
gonna be that kind of a movie!

- What were you thinking,
what Jack finds out?

- I met this guy,
Terry Dimech, at a bar.

He said that he
made industrial films

about office etiquette
and he offered me $500

if he could shoot here.

You know, so I drop
in the night of the shoot

and see three people
humping on your desk.

- What!

Poor Alexa!

- Yeah, and you might
wanna throw that out.

(audience laughs)

- Hello, all!

- Jack, we were just discussing
some files, right Finch?

- What files, it's the first
I'm hearing of the files.

- Alright, what's going on?

- You know, the files.

- Don't know
nothin' about no files!

- Yes!

- No!

- Whatever!

Hey, how's the bread maker?

- I'm baking as we speak!

You idiot!

You almost blew it!

- Well, maybe I'm
a loose cannon.

(audience laughs)

- Alright, what do you want?

- Want you to call
your little director pal

and give him this.

- A script?

- My script!

- The Amazing
Adventures of Dick Tation.

- It's a coming of age
story based on my life.

- They seem to be having
an awful lot of sex in here.

- Loosely based.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, I'll call Terry
and I'll ask him to read it

when he can.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, no, I've been waiting
for an opportunity like this

for too long.

He will read it today!

And he will give
me an answer today.

- Alright, alright!

It's just a dirty movie!

- No, it's not!

It's more than that.

It's about hope
and it's about love.

And some group love.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat guitar music)

- And that brings me to the
next item on the agenda, Dennis.

- Oh, happy birthday,
Maya, love Dad.

- What's this?

- Well, see amid
yesterday's hubbub,

I neglected to give you
one of your presents.

- Thanks, Dad.

- Oh my god!

- What are you reading, Nina?

(audience laughs)

- Nothing.

- Page 32?

- You are filthy!

(audience laughs)

- Keys?

- Not just any keys!

The keys to my
cottage at Lake George,

which is now yours!

Please, please!

- What is this about?

- Nothing!

It's just I have
a lot to give you!

And whoever else is lucky
enough to snap you up.

- I can't believe
it, you are actually

trying to bribe Elliot
into marrying me!

- I won't dignify
that with a response!

Here Elliot, hold them,

I just want you to
feel their weight.

(audience laughs)

- Jack, I don't need
convincing to marry Maya.

I asked her a dozen
times since last night.

- Elliot, it's
nobody's business.

Can we just all move past this?

- And this time I'm
gonna do it right.

- Elliot, please!

- Maya, I know you're upset.

I know I hurt you, I know
you think that I'm not ready,

but you're wrong!

Because the fear
I felt last night,

it's nothing compared
to the fear of knowing

that I might have
lost my chance.

I love you, Maya!

And maybe one guy doesn't
deserve all the happiness

in the world, but I guess
I'm asking for it anyway.

Maya, will you please marry me?

(audience laughs)

- You idiot, you
don't deserve me!

- Oh, I know.

- Yes, Elliot,
yes, I'll marry you!

(audience applauds)

- That's great!

I can't breathe! (gasps)

(audience laughs)

(Elliot moaning)

- Elliot, that is
in very bad taste!

(audience laughs)

(upbeat guitar music)

- Twice, you did
this to me twice!

- It was just the jitters.

I am nothing but excited
to spend my entire...

(gasps) It's damn hot in here!

(audience laughs)

- Okay, okay everyone,
let's just take a deep breath

and figure this out!

Hey, that's better!

Now, Elliot, are
you free after five?

- I think so, why?

- Because I'd like a
chance to kick your ass!

- Dad!

- I'd do it sooner, but it's
one meeting after another.

(audience laughs)

- That is so sweet
of you, but really,

all I need is a moment
alone to talk to Elliot.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I'm sure.

- Okay.

- What?

Hey! (grunting)

(audience laughs)

- Okay, enough is enough.

You have to be honest with me.

Look inside your heart and tell
me what you really wanna do!

You owe me that!

- I guess, I guess, I
don't wanna get married.

- Big surprise, jackass!

(audience laughs)

- I was just confused,

because I really do love you,

and I love living with you.

You know, I don't
wanna throw it all away.

There are 12 birds
staring at us right now.

- What?

- I mean look,
they're right there.

- [Maya] Elliot, please!

(audience laughs)

- I'm just saying,
it's really weird!

- Forget the birds!

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Why did you have to do this?

Why did you have
to ruin everything?

- I jumped the
gun, I'm an idiot.

But that doesn't mean I
wanna lose everything,

just because for 24
hours I went a little nuts!

- Just wish that you'd
never proposed to me.

- Can we pretend
like it never happened?

Please.

- It is going to
take a lot of work

for me to trust you again.

- I am committed to
spending the rest of my life

making this up to you.

- Do you have any
self-awareness?

(audience laughs)

- What?

Oh, oh.

I am gonna try.

- You better!

- I promise.

(both giggling)

- Oh!

Are the birds
still staring at us?

- Let's get outta here.

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat guitar music)

- I just got off the
phone with Terry.

- Ooh, and?

- He loved it.

- Yes!

Yes, it's happening to me!

Little thing called a
dream come true, people,

nothing you'd
understand, back to work!

(audience laughs)

- There's a problem, he
wants to do it here tonight.

- Tonight?

That a little quick?

What about casting, and
makeup, and wardrobe?

- What wardrobe?

(audience laughs)

The point is, he wants
to shoot it in Jack's office.

- So?

- So, what about Jack
finding out and us getting fired?

- Jack'll be gone by
five, make the call.

- Finch, I have no savings.

If I lose this job, I could
end up out on the street!

- Calm down, it's almost summer.

(audience laughs)

- [Elliot Voiceover]
Look at her, so beautiful!

So forgiving.

All I put her through
and still she's here.

Sharing my bed, our bed.

I'm the luckiest man alive.

How can I get her
to wear pigtails?

(audience laughs)

(Maya grunts)

- Hey honey, you up?

Hey, I was thinking, let's
go away this weekend.

Better yet, let's
plan a big trip.

I wanna take you to Africa.

I want us to see elephants.

Hey, sweetie.

Are we gonna make love?

(audience laughs)

(Elliot grunting and screaming)

What the hell!

- What, what, what?

- You tried to suffocate me!

- What, I was sleeping!

- You were smothering
me with the pillow!

- Okay.

- No, it's not okay!

- I'm sorry, good night.

(audience laughs)

- What do you mean?

Let's talk about this,

obviously you're
upset about something.

- No, honey, I'm tired.

Let's talk tomorrow.

- Okay, I guess.

(Elliot chuckling)

(Elliot gasps)

(upbeat guitar music)

- Okay, everyone, I got
two more of these tonight

and a dinner, let's
move, let's move!

- Terry, I'm having a
little technical difficulty.

- Oh, take a moment.

(audience laughs)

- Hey!

Got any dirty magazines
laying around?

- Do I?

What do you want, blonde,
brunette, big, small, old, young?

- Let's try old
blonde and small.

- You got it!

(audience laughs)

(Dennis gasps)

- Hey, Dennis, you're here late!

You know, I always wondered
what was in that thing.

You don't have to tell me
if it's gonna embarrass you.

I was downstairs having
dinner and I realized,

I've forgotten my, are you okay?

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, everything's fine.

I'm just doing some
stuff here alone.

- Finch, have you seen
a (screaming loudly).

- Nina?

- You started me.

(audience laughs)

- So you're not quite alone.

- Well, it's just me and Nina,

we're working on that
whole file nightmare.

- Dennis, could I
get a soda pop?

- What the hell is going on!

- There may be
clues in the lobby.

Quick everyone, to
the elevator, this way!

- My god!

- So has anyone found the files?

- These men are
in their underwear!

- Jack, I know this looks
awful, but there's a reason.

- Can you guys talk
about this outside?

Ron's good to go.

(audience laughs)

- This is my office!

Dennis, how could you?

- Jack, listen.

I wrote the screenplay, okay.

And it's not just
another porno movie.

I mean, yeah it's dirty,
it's actually very dirty.

But that's not
all there is to it.

If you would just take time
to watch this one scene,

I think you'll understand

why I had to get
this picture made.

Even if I had to
betray your trust.

- This better be
one hell of a scene!

- Yes, scene 12.

- Right, go down to my
car and get two more girls.

- Whoa, no.

No, scene 12.

- You heard him, places!

Ready, and act!

(audience laughs)

- I really appreciate you
giving me a hand with Jenny.

- My pleasure, sir.

- Our pleasure.

Something on your
mind, Dick Tation?

(audience laughs)

- My father called today.

He said I was worthless
and that he never wanted

to see me again.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm not.

Because what I realized is,

the only man who has ever
really been a father to me,

is you, Jack Gallon.

(audience laughs)

I just wanted you to know that.

- Come on.

Let's go show Jenny
another good time.

Son.

(audience laughs)

- Cut and print!

Wow!

- Yes, yes, yes!

Well?

(audience laughs)

- Hey, how 'bout
this for a movie?

There's a group of
astronauts on a spacestation

in the future.

They discover a ray gun that'll

make everyone's
clothes disappear.

- Just shut up!

Okay, what happens?

(audience laughs)

(water trickling)

- What?

Maya, wake up, you're sleeping!

- I am awake you son of a bitch!

(audience laughs)

- What?

- Get out!

- Huh?

- I just woke up and
realized I'm sleeping

next to a man
who will never know

if he really wants me or not.

I deserve better!

- This is about
the panic attack.

- Go!

- Come on Maya,
let's talk about this.

- Get out!

- You can't be serious.

- I am.

- Alright, we'll talk about
this at work tomorrow.

- No, we will not talk at work!

We will talk about
photos at work,

we will talk about
fashion at work,

but we will not talk about us,

because we don't exist anymore!

- You know, when
you think about...

- Oh no, I know what
you're trying to do.

You are trying to sum things up.

You are trying to
get some closure!

Well, I will not give
you any closure!

Get out!

- All I'm saying is that
when you look back at...

- [Maya] No!

- I'm saying that
the real traged...

- Get!

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, but!

- Okay, I get it, I'm going.

But I will always love you.

- Boo!

(audience laughs)

- You know, technically
this is my apartment, and...

(thumping)

(audience laughs)

(upbeat guitar music)

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Keeps bringin' me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ Cause ♪ It's
got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Yeah (giggling)