Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Gift Piggy - full transcript

Maya and Nina have a quarrel over the intentions of giving out invitations to the bridal shower.

- Mornin' Finch.
- Hey Kevvers, how's it goin'?

Oh, what have you
got there, a little turtle?

Hey buddy, oh my
God that's a spider!

- Dennis, what's wrong?

Hey, is that a tarantula?

- She's my pet.

- That's no pet.

A pet is something you can hug

and cuddle and
dress up like a pirate.

Kinda like you.

- I outrank you.

- You know, with these
creatures, it's all about attitude.

You have to show 'em
who's king of the jungle.

- That would be the lion,

another fine member
of the cat family.

Ahh yes, the lion.

- That is nature's one
true killing machine.

- What about the shark?

- Fine, the shark and the lion,

nature's two true
killing machines.

- Jack, it's your ex-wife.

- Three True killing machines.

- And her lawyer?
- My point is,

danger is everywhere.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- How's it going?
- Terrible.

- Why?
- I have two days

to go to traffic school
or I lose my license.

- You got that
ticket a year ago.

You know, it was your fault

I was speeding
in the first place.

I mean, remember,
you just had to get

to that crafts fair early.

Gotta see the
glass blowers set up.

- He was coming all the way
from colonial Williamsburg.


Listen, Finch said
something about traffic school,

why don't you go
check his rolodex?

- You wanna pay for half of it?

No, never mind.

- Oh, my god.

Ew, oh, my god!

- Yoo-hoo, Nina, Maya!

- Oh, ah!

There you are.

Who is that person?

- Oh, Robyn something,
she's new, from accounting.

- Nina, that
dress is to die for.

Of course, with your
figure, you could wear

a sack of potatoes and
look like a million bucks.

And I could wear a
million-dollar dress

and look like a
sack of potatoes.

- That is amazing how you
just turned that right around.

- Any-hoo, I just stopped
by to ask you guys to please,

please, please, please come
to my bridal shower tonight.

- Tonight?

- I know it's last-minute,
but it would mean so,

so, so, so much to
me if you would come.

Any-hoo, it starts at seven.


- That was so weird,
why would she invite us?

- Well, because I'm always

the life of the
party, and you're,

I don't know, it is
a bit of a mystery.

- Nina, check it out, I
brought my tarantula.

- How unsettling.

- Her name's Tina.

Which rhymes with Nina.

- Which rhymes
with restraining order.

- I didn't signal.
- Speeding.

- The cop was a woman
and a Jew and still I'm here.

- The automobile.

Pillar of western civilization,

but in the wrong hands,
she can be deadly.

I am, Professor Finch.

As in, first in not
causing harm!

- I don't believe this.

- I know, he's
like a movie star.

- We'll begin by
distributing these workbooks

and pairing up.

English-speakers help

and remember, on the
road, we're all God's children.

- Hey, Finch, what are
you doin' here, huh?

- Well, it may surprise you to
learn that scraping the seeds

off Jack's bagel
does not complete me.

- But why traffic school?

- Because I'm good at it.

And, by the way,
it's traffic academy.

Hey, no gum chewing in the back!

- This is gonna work out fine

'cause I've got hockey
tickets for tonight,

so if you could just sign.

And I could just.


- Elliott, you're
here for a reason.

We do not.

- The seats are right
behind the glass.

Come on, Finch, be a buddy.

- Oh, my only buddy
is public safety, now.

- Dude, you have to be kidding.

- Take a seat, leadfoot.

- All right.

He wants to ruin my evening,

I'm gonna take him down with me.

- My first husband
was bald and angry, too.

- By the time you leave
here, you may hate the man,

but you will know the law.

As we know, who threw that?

Okay, that's one, buddy,
and you don't want two!

Alright Nina.

- Oh.

- I'm surprised you came.

- Oh I had some time to kill,

and I figured there
might be a stripper.

- Well, it's a good thing we
did because I got to thinking,

and if Robyn invited us, she
must be hurting for friends.

- I told you it
was the doorbell.

Oh, hi!

Man, it's boobs
to butts in here,

so just take a deep
breath and push.

Ooh, goodies, I'll take those.

Mom, I got more, oh!

- Screw it, let's go.
- No way.

No, I spent cab fare, I'm
giving her a lovely scarf

which I don't wear anymore.

I'm getting my money's worth.

- How did you
know that was there?

- How do dogs find
their way home?

- Okay Mrs. Lubitz, you're
driving, it's going very nicely.

Driving, driving.

A light drizzle, - Oh.
- There you go,

put the wipers on, great.

And you're driving, and,

little boy with a ball!

- He darted out of nowhere.

- I know, I know.

Okay, see, sometimes
the answer is simple,

you just hit the brake.

See what happened there?

Class, always, always

- He scores!

Rangers two nothing.

Messier just did it.

- Silence!

Gimme that radio.

- No.

- Alright, put it
under your desk.

- No.

- Alright, let's take a break.

- No, I think we
should keep going.

- I said take a break and
that's my name on the board!

It was, I, I erased it.

It was on there earlier.

- And I said, "I don't
care if it's the Vatican,

"I like to show a little leg."

- Wow, you really don't
give a damn, do you?

God, I wish I didn't care
what people thought.

- Really, I just assumed
from the way you dress...

Never mind.

You were saying?

- You want to know the truth?

I only came to this stupid party

because I was
terrified if I didn't,

this woman I hardly know
would think I was rude.

- You think that's bad.

The only reason
I came is because

I'm scared to spend
two hours all by myself.

- Well, you're
not all by yourself.

- No, guess I'm not.

- You know, you and I
spend so much time together,

but we never really
spend time together.

- Wow, somebody
should put that on a pillow.

- Hey, hallway gang, who
wants the last deviled egg?

By the way, if you
see a handsome man

strolling the corridor,

that would be my
fiance, Bradley.

But hands off, he's spoken for.

Did I get your gifts?

- Yeah.
- Super, ooh!

- Hey, Nina, Nina, who am I?

- Barbara Walters.

- No, no, I'm Robyn.

She only invited
us for the gifts.

She's a little gift piggy.

- I love that, gift piggy.

Oh mommy, I got more, super.

Hey, gang, I've
registered at Oinkindale's.


It's my friend Binny.

Hi, yeah.


I thought they shut
that place down.

Yeah, I've got my gun.

Hold on, hold on.

Do you want to go to a
clothing optional rave?

- Um, no, you guys have
fun and I'll see you tomorrow.

- Hey Vinnie, I don't think so.

Something better came along.

But thanks for asking.

Oh, and if the cops
show up, remember,

you're a distraught parent
looking for a runaway.

- Mr. Meer, nice
work with the gearshift.

You got that down.

Mrs. Collins, car
seat, car seat, car seat.


Mrs. Lubitz.

Once in a while I get a student

that just touches me so much.

- My daughter.

pretty in the face.



There you go, good job.

Mr. Pau.

- Hang on a sec, Mr. Pau.

Where's my certificate?
- You don't get one, sir.

Mr. Pau.

Thank you.

- What do you mean I
don't get a certificate?

- I mean for the last six
hours, you've insulted me,

you have undermined
me, and you have made

obscene hand gestures,
- Oh come on Finch.

- during the screening
of Red Asphalt.

- Please, this isn't about that.

This isn't about that,

this is about you
having just a little bit

of power over me.
- Not a little.

- Come on, admit it.
- Total power granted to me

by New York Vehicular
Code, paragraph 703 delta.

- Now come on Finch.

Finch, you're a little
worm, I have to pass.

- You should've
thought of that before,

and you should've
followed the rules.

In here your dumb
attitude is obnoxious,

but out there it can be deadly.

I'm doing the people
of New York a favor

by taking you off the road.
- It's insane Finch,

you're like Napoleon, only
shorter and with no girlfriend!

- Good day, sir!
- Come on, Finch,

you have to pass me.
- I said good day!

- Hey Mr. Gallo.

- Ah, Kevin.

Thank you for letting
me borrow your spider.

It intimidated the hell out
of the Calvin Klein people.

They bought five
extra pages of ads.

- So, can I have her back now?

- What's the hurry?

- It's just, I miss her.

- I tell you what.

I'll give you $50
for your spider.

100 If she can do tricks.

- Oh, she's not for sale.

Not to you, not to anyone.

- Oh, come on, I'll throw in

a shiny silver bell
for your mail cart.

- Where is she?

- What do you mean where is she?

She's under that leaf.

- No, she's not.

Did you take the lid off?

- Well, of course.

People have to think
she might attack.


She's very quick.

- I see, so your
spider is on the loose.

- Uh-huh.
- Right, okay.

You start checking the floor,

and I'm gonna be crawling
up here and canceling my day.

- This little sapphire number
would look amazing on you.

- Yeah, but you know
who would love them?

Robyn's fiance.

- Bradley?
- Oh I mean face it,

the guy is gay.

- Clearly, any guy who dances
with his hands above his head.

- Ooh, here comes gift piggy.

- Hi, guys.

- So, did you get a lot
of nice gifts last night?

Oh yes, I got a blender.

Two coffee makers.

- Nina.

- And five gift
certificates for...

What are you doing?

- I am snorting because
you are a certifiable,

full-blown gift piggy.

- Nina!
- What?

- Go ahead, Maya,
give her a snort.

- I don't know what
she's talking about.

- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.

- You were just
talking about it.

- I think you misunderstood me.

- No I didn't, you
called her a gift piggy

right after you said
Bradley was gay.

Nina, shut up!

- Maya, you are
a terrible person!

- Robyn, listen...

- And you're wrong
about Bradley.

Our minister says
he's just artistic!

- How could you do that to me?

- Clearly she deserved it.

And besides, what
happened to not caring

about what other people think?

- I told you those
things in confidence.

- Alright, fine, I
will go tell Robyn

it was all my fault.
- Oh, no, no.

Don't do anything,
you'll just make it worse.

I can't believe that I
shared anything with you.

Believe me, it will
never happen again!

- Wait a minute, what is
that supposed to mean?

- I think I've
made myself clear.

- What, so you and I
aren't friends anymore

because of what just happened?

- Oh finally, some
sharing you understand.

- Well then fine,
we're not friends,

but you know what you are?

You are a, prissy piggy.

- Oh yeah, well you
are a blabber piggy.

- Well you are a grudge piggy.

And that's the biggest piggy

of all the piggiest piggies
that there ever were!

Go ahead! run, little piggy.

Run all the way home!

- Finch, I gotta
apologize about last night.

I was way out of line.

I was childish
and undisciplined...

- I'm not giving
you a certificate.

- Finch come on, I've got
a court date in two hours,

and I'm gonna lose
my license, please.

- You know what I
don't hear in your voice?

Respect, you don't respect me.

- I do, and you know
who else respects you?

Benjamin Franklin.

- You trying to bribe an
officer of the academy?


What if I told you
that next week

was my step into leather shoot

and I need someone to
put shoes on all the models?


- No.
- Please, man!

I'm begging you, you
pompous little weasel!

I didn't mean that, I'm sorry.

There's gotta be
something you want.

- Nope.
- Come on, Finch,

there's gotta be something.

- Well.
- I knew it,
come on, what is it?

Give it to me, come on!

- You can teach me to drive.
- Huh?

- Teach me to drive.

I can't hear...
- You can teach me to drive!

- You can't drive?
- I know the theory.

- Have you even tried?

- I did try once in
driver's ed in high school.

I went up on the sidewalk

and mowed down two
kids selling band candy.

They recovered, but I didn't.

Every time I get
behind the wheel,

I picture smeared
chocolate on the windshield.

It's just horrible.

- Okay, I understand,
I understand.

But why worry about it now, hmm?

- I haven't seen my nana
since she moved to Great Neck.

- Why don't you
just take a train?

- That's a whole 'nother story.

- Found her, I found her.

- Oh, thank god!

Now punish it, flick its head.

- Pardon?

- I don't know, it's
been a long day.

Just get it out of here,
it's bad for morale.

- Okay, I just gotta
find her egg sac.

- Her egg sac?

- Yeah, it may have
already hatched.

- You mean there might
be another tarantula

for me to worry about?

- Nah.

More like two or three hundred.

- Really, I'm surprised
they don't rule the earth.

- Yes, okay.

The exterminator is
setting off the bug bombs.

- Will it kill them right
away, or will they feel it?

I want them to feel it.

- Either way, we should
be spider-free by morning.

- Are you sure
everyone from the office

has been accounted for?

- I checked off every name.

- Because I have not seen Nina.

- Oh, my god.

- Dear Maya, if you never
want to be friends again,

that is your decision.

But I, for one,

feel we had something special.

If only for liquid,
streaming, tangerines...

- See, see.

Your name is on the top
of the last page, Van Horn.

But the staple fold
covered it, I didn't see it.

- That's okay, the paramedics
said I'm gonna be fine.

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

I forgive you.

- Really?

But I couldn't forgive
you for blabbing to Robyn.

How can you ever
forgive me for this?

Hey, I talk too much,
you almost killed me.

Nobody's perfect.

- Maybe later when
you're feeling better,

we could go, I don't know,
catch a movie or something?

- How about a laser show?

I hate to waste this buzz.

Okay, cowboy,
let's move 'em out.

- Hey, Kevin, you
can't go back up there.

- I have to, it's Tina,
she's missing again.

- Now you listen to me.

We've got top
professionals up there.

They'll find Tina.

I'll make sure of it.

- You're a good man, Mr. Gallo.

- I do my best.

Now, you run along
and get yourself a soda.

- Or a piece of pie?

- Your call.

Oh, good, hey, hold it, hold it.

Another round, and don't
come back without the body.

- Slowly pull out, that's it.

Look at that.

- Now see?
- Like this?

- Yeah, don't forget to breathe.

- I'm doing it, I'm doing it.

- You are, see?
- Ooh.

- You're doing it great, buddy.

- Oh, my god.

I'm a driver.

I'm driving.

- Yeah, see, nothing
to be afraid of.

- Here I come, nana, woo!

Oh, this is great.

This is a whole
new world for me.

This is the happiest
day of my life.

You can take your
hand off my shoulder.

- Uh, Finch.

- Look at me.

Where do you want to
go, buddy, anywhere.

- Hey, how about
making a left right here?

- Oh, that's the
hospital driveway.

- Yeah, hey, how about that?

- Okie-doke.

Hey, I think there's a
moth on my shoulder,

will you knock it off?

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do, cause

♪ It's got a mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you