Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 10 - Finch and the Fighter - full transcript

- I'm tellin' you, they don't
make gyms like this anymore.

This is hard core, Dennis.

None of your slim down
with salsa classes here.

It's tone up with tango.

I use ankle weights, okay?

These bozos wouldn't last
two minutes in my class.

- You know, I used to
be a little bit of a boxer.

- Yeah, I drove a
tank in the Gulf War.

- You can't let me
have anything, can you?

- So where's this chick
fighter you wanna check out?

- She's not a chick
Dennis, she's a serious



professional and a
potential investment.

Besides, It's the only legal way

you can own a woman anymore.

I'm kidding, of course.

I don't care.

Hey, I think that's her.

Kelly Big Hurt
Corrigan, 16 and oh.

What a sight, man are
they really going at it!

Really pounding each other hard.

In the face, brutally!

Oh, my God that turns
your stomach, doesn't it?

It's disgusting,
they're like animals!

Come on, let's get outta here.

- Wait wait wait, I'm
gonna sick around.



I might wanna buy a mouth guard,

my teeth rattle on the subway.

- Suit yourself.

Good lord, they're
sweating through their pants!

- Hi!

Hi, I like watching you work.

I'm kind of an aficionado
of the old fisting game.

- Oh yeah?

Who's your favorite fighters?

- Muhammad Ali?

- Who else?

- Sugar Ray super sugar crisp?

- You're a funny little guy.

- Dennis Q Finch,
at your service.

- I'm Kelly.
- The big flirt.

- Big hurt.
- Can't you be both?

- Elliot, without
getting into details,

would you mind dropping
by the police station after work

and swearing you were
with me at the Gator Ball?

- Sorry, Maya and I are
having Jack over for dinner.

- Oh, well count me out.

I will.

'Cause you weren't invited.

- Oh, it's weird.

Now I wanna come.

- Oh by all means join us.

You know, I think I'll pass.

- Okay, so you're not coming?

Now I wanna come again.

- Well come or don't
come, I really don't care.

- Well I must say that I
don't feel very welcome.

- So you're not coming.
- No no, I'll be there.

- Maya, Nina will
be joining us tonight.

- We think.

- Oh, that makes four of us,

maybe we could play
a game after dinner?

- Hey how 'bout
that new one you got,

Brain Fever?
- Or Parcheesi!

- No, let's play Brain Fever.
- Or Parcheesi!

What's Brain Fever?

- Oh, it's just this
trivia game that I play

with my book club.

The thing about Parcheesi
is it's just more social.

- No, let's play Brain Fever,

it sounds sexy and
tropical, like malaria.

- It's just that the
questions are really hard.

- But not too hard for
you and your book group.

- Look, I'm not saying

that I'm smart...
- Oh, that's exactly

what you're saying.
- No!

I'm just better at knowing
facts and information

and then using that
information and stuff.

- I think I can speak
for all of us when I say

we are going to
play Brain Fever.

- Alright, Brain Fever it is.

And I gotta say, I really
admire your spunk.

- That is her
mother, right there.

- She thinks we're idiots.

My God, what arrogance.

That is the right
word, isn't it?

- Yes it is, and I think we
need to teach her a lesson.

- Yes, then she'll see
who does and does not

have the real brains.
- Damn right.

'Course we'll have to cheat.
- Oh yeah.

Otherwise she'd slaughter us.

Hey, I'll just try to come up

with some kind of
system, you know.

Nothing too thinky.

Dennis!

Where have you been?
- The bathroom,

freshening up a little bit.

- Are you wearing perfume?

- I'm wearing a
unisex fragrance.

I have a lunch date
with my new girlfriend,

and she likes it, okay.

- Oh, since when do
you have a girlfriend?

- Since I started dating Kelly.

- Kelly, that killing
machine we saw in the ring?

- Wait, you're dating
a woman boxer?

- Well that's perfect, you
can knit her a new jock strap!

- Go ahead and laugh.

I'm secure enough not to be
threatened by an athletic woman.

By the way, there's no confusion

about who the man
in this relationship is.

It's me.

- Dennis!
- Hey, there ya are.

- Mmm, peaches.
- That's right baby,

just for you.

This is Jack, Nina, Elliot.

- Hi, oh hi.
- Hi, hi.

- I saw you work out, you
can really take a punch.

Another two years, she
won't remember her name.

- Well, dinner was delicious.

- You only had one meatball.

- I don't care, it was worth it.

- Alright, who's
ready for Brain Fever?

- I love that there's
an actual brain.

Made in France,
that is surprising.

- Now I have to warn you
guys, even I miss a lot of these.

Just give me the damn dice.

Okay, one two...
- Alright, you're on red.

Nebuchadnezzar ruled
over what ancient empire?

A, Persia;

B, Babylon;

C, Assyria;

D, Egypt.

- B, Babylon.
- Right!

- Ha, I knew it!

That guy ruled that
place with an iron fist.

- Hey, good for you dad!

Okay.

- Okay Maya, the
part of a nerve cell

that carries impulses to the
main cell body is known as the,

A, axon;

B, dendrite;

C, membrane;

D, neuron.

- A, axon.
- Sorry, incorrect.

What are ya, stupid?

- Oh, that sounds
just like my pa.

A, marsupial.

- C, The Battle of Saratoga.

- Kierkegaard.
- Yes.

- John Philip Sousa.

- Um, titanium?
- Wrong.

Nice try lame brain.

- Think carefully,
this ones for the win.

- Ribid, ri-bin-oot...

Aw screw it, the answer is C.
- Yes!

I win, I win!

I am smarter than Maya.

Oh, I'm sorry, that
was rude of me.

We're all smarter than Maya!

- Uh excuse me, you seen Kelly?

- Who wants to know?

- I have something
for her, from her lover.

- Her what?
- Is there a problem?

Oh!
- You think I've been

sleeping with her?
- What, me, no!

No, I'm totally
the delivery boy.

- What is goin' on?

- Hello ma'am, will
you tell this woman

I am the delivery guy?

- Maria, it is over between us.

Oh!

- I'm with Dennis now.

- And you're Dennis?

I am a Dennis.

- What's so great about him?
- Everything.

He's soft, and gentle.

And he cuddles afterwards.

- Listen, Maria, look.

You guys had a
little fling, alright?

She wanted to experiment.

- We were together four years.

- Not exactly the
open book, are ya?

Anyway, the point
is, we're together now

and there's nothing you
can do or say to change that.

- You're pretty brave with
her here to protect you.

But one day she won't be around,

and I'm gonna find you.

And when I do, I'm
gonna kick your bitch ass!

- Maria, Maria, Maria.

Will you listen to yourself?

You sound nuts!

And you're not even scarin'
anybody, right Dennis?

Dennis?

- Here ya go Mr. Gallo.

- Thanks Kevin.

- Wow Nina, your
hair looks so clean.

Bet you wash it a lot.

- You know, just
the normal amount.

- Think you got some
kinda greeting card.

Think it might be
from a secret admirer.

I mean, 'cause
there's no stamp on it.

So it might have come
from someone in the building.

- Like in a horror movie.

Yeah!

- Good morning.
- Elliot!

So, what happened after we left?

- Well, let's just
say you guys missed

the best part of the evening.

- Better than Nina knowing
the atomic weight of boron?

- That was the answer I am
most proud of pretending to know.

- I smelled something strange
in the middle of the night,

and I found her burning
the brain in the fireplace.

Anyway, I'll tell ya.

She learned a little humility.

- I would think so.

You don't think we
overdid it, do ya?

- I don't know, maybe?

- I think we should tell her

the truth.
- No!

We're not gonna tell.

I wanna be smart all the time,

and you two are gonna help me.

Well alright, we'll tell her.

- Well, I guess I
oughta be feeling

just a little bit stupid.
- Maya.

- I mean it took me
until this morning

to realize that there is
no way the three of you

could have beaten
me, unless you cheated.

I don't know how,
but I know you did.

- How dare you.
- Oh spare me.

- Fine, how 'bout a
rematch, Miss Big Shot?

That is, if your
brain hasn't melted.

- Elliot!
- You could have burned

down the apartment.

That's not so smart.

- Fine, I welcome a rematch.
- Any time, anywhere.

- Okay, how 'bout tonight?

- Perfect.
- Perfect.

- I look forward to it.

- Well don't look too forward,

or you may end up
looking backward.

At yourself, running
full speed sideways.

- Dennis, are you
drinking my good scotch?

Oh relax,

it's mostly just
water now anyway.

I'm guessing!

- It's over between
me and Kelly.

- Oh, well I think
you're better off.

She's not normal!

I mean, it's one thing for
women to mud wrestle in bikinis,

there's dignity in that.

- You shut your mouth
she's my princess!

- So, what exactly
is your problem?

- Kelly's got this
ex-girlfriend Maria.

- So she's a female
bisexual boxer?

- Dennis, I'm gonna
give you a hundred bucks,

I want you to go
out and get a hooker.

It'll be the most
normal relationship

you've ever had.

- Will you listen to me?

Maria threatened to beat
me up if I keep seeing Kelly.

And I ran away
right in front of Kelly

like a coward, a coward!

Nina please, this
is a serious matter.

Not something we
should laugh about

while Dennis is
still in the room.

- I'm sorry.
- You oughta be.

We wouldn't laugh if it were
a man threatening Dennis.

Or even a boy!

- Dude, she could kick your ass.

- Well that's
different, Jack's old!

In a sexy way, like a vampire.

- Point is, I can
never face Kelly again.

- Yes you can, if you stand up

to this Maria.
- Hey dude, she's a pro boxer!

- She's a woman!

- Well I can't fight anyways,

my doctor says I'm slow to clot.

- Oh for God sakes, be a man!

You know, sometimes I
hear you squeaking out there,

and I wanna punch you myself.

- Look, you know
what courage is,

courage is being afraid
and doing it anyway.

- Ah you're right.

- You know bullies always back
down if you stand up to them.

- Always?
- Always!

Thank Jack.

- So is that really true?

- It's a theory of
mine, we'll see.

- Tonight, we will be playing

Brain Fever's Masters
Edition, with a brand new

set of sealed cards.
- Big deal.

- Bring it on.

- What is that?

- It's the master size brain.

Hmm, it's even more insulting.

- Yes, but will it
fit in the fireplace?

- Ahh, finally.

- Sorry I'm late, I got locked
in the planetarium again.

It's okay.

This is the other
change tonight.

To make sure that no one will be

signaling answers to anyone
else, I have invited Kevin here,

to be tonight's
impartial quiz master.

He will be asking the questions.

- Wait a second.

How do we know
that you and Kevin

haven't worked out
some kinda system?

I'm not a cheater!

- Okay, that's good
enough for me.

- Very well then,
shall we begin?

Oh, no batteries,
I'll be right back.

- Please Kevin, I'm begging
you to help us beat her.

I'm begging you!

- Sorry.
- Hey, hey, I'll give you

another ride on my motorcycle,

and we'll get you an
open-faced helmet

in case you throw up again!

- Naa.
- Elliot, where are

the batteries?
- Uhh, they're in the cabinet!

They're in the drawer.

- Hey, I'll give you a
weeks vacation, huh?

And you can visit
that place in Finland

where they have the
enormous owl sanctuary.

- Hoot Island?
- Yes!

- Naa, I have my honor.
- Hey, come on Kevin,

everyone has a price.

There must be something
you want from one of us.

- D, the Huguenots.

- Yep.
- Ha, I win!

I'm number one, baby!

- And I'm number two!
- And I'm not last!

I guess everything
I need to know,

I did learn in kindergarten.

- Listen, I would like to
apologize to all of you.

I guess all I learned
from my fancy schools

and high test scores was
how to put down people.

People as smart as I am.

It's like what Hermann
Hesse said in Siddhartha,

what was that quote Elliot?

- D?

- Anyway, I'm gonna go to bed,

and think about
the person I've been,

and the person I want to be.

Hm, Stanford cum laude,

what a lie.

- Can I have that
thing, I need to cover

a bullet hole in my bathroom.

- Wow, she took that a
little harder than I thought.

- Yeah, maybe we should
go in there and apologize.

- Woah woah woah, what
are you two talking about?

No one got hurt, she only
got what she deserved.

Now, you two can just get
all soft and mushy if you want,

but I for one have
absolutely no regrets

about what I did tonight.

- Neither do I.

Shall we?

- So, Thursdays are
generally good for you, right?

- You sure are kickin'
those shadows asses.

'Course, shadows
don't hit back, do they?

- What are you doing?

- Fightin' for Kelly,
'cause I'm her man.

- Do yourself and your mama
a favor and just walk away.

- Oh I'll walk,

but it'll be over
you on the ground.

Bloop!

- This is gonna be fun.
- Oh yeah?

Think so, you've
never faced a fury

of Finch fireball
comin' atcha, yeah.

Hey, are these on right?

Look, I stood up to you,
you can back down any t...

Okay we're
fightin', it's go time.

Here we go.

What's goin' on there, huh?

What's that about?

Bap bap bap, bap bap bap.

Punk.

- Clinch!

- Is that all you got?

- Mama, no Santa Clause.

- I thought so.

You're not a man.
- I am a man.

I'm a man!

I am a man!
- Dennis!

- Did you see that?

I beat her, we can be together.

- This is such a turn off.

- What is?

- I liked you because
I thought you were

sweet and sensitive.

If I wanted to be
with a macho jerk,

I would have stayed with Maria.

- I'm not macho!

- Forget you, we're through.

- Well no, don't forget me,

I'm a total wimp,
are you kidding?

I have a porcelain
cat in my gym bag.

Oh my God.

You know what,
my boss was right.

Women boxers are all freaks.

They're frail, and fragile,

and they should
all be in the zoo.

- A zoo, huh?
- Oh!

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringin' me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do, 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you