Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 12 - The Proposal: Part 1 - full transcript

Elliott's impulsive decision to propose to Maya has dire consequences.

- Hey Jack, we need one more
headline for the March cover.

- No problem.

I am the king of this.

- Okay, it's for the article
on new hairstyles for spring.

- Okay, okay, I got it.

Hair ye, hair
ye, spring is hair.

Why aren't you
writing that down?

- You can do better.

- Okay.

How about this?

Hair, there, everywhere.

- It's cute.

- Okay, how about
simply Hair Jordan?

- I don't get it.

- You think this
is so damn easy.

Let's hear your great idea.

- What about how to
have a great orgasm,

forget about the hair?

- There's nothing
more I can teach you.

- Hey.

- So?

- Red with your hair?

- It's for Maya, idiot.

- Excuse me?

- It's her birthday.

I wanted to get her
something special.

Plus Victoria's Secret said
they were gonna call the cops

if I didn't buy something.

After four hours, they
should now I'm harmless.

- I got her something
classic, a locket.

A beautiful antique,
18 karat piece of crap.

She's gonna hate it.

- What, chicks dig jewelry, man.

- No, it's just not
perfect enough.

Finch, I'm starting to panic.

There are 13 hours
left of her birthday

and I've got nothing.

What's wrong with me, huh?

- You know, I was
gonna include this volume

of German erotica.

It could be from you, just
cross out the inscription.

- Einen eichen my
assen verspanken.

- It's kind of a
me to her thing.

- Excuse me, I have a very
important announcement to make.

This weekend, Colby,
Kansas will be honoring

its most famous resident, moi,

with its first annual
Nina Van Horn Day.

- That's great, Nina.

Is there gonna be a big parade?

- Oh yeah, right down Main
Street and up the other one.

- That's quite an honor.

- A lot of people in Colby
thought I'd just end up

a man-chasing booze hound.

I sure showed them.

- What's the matter?

That was a gimme.

- I don't go for
the cheap stuff.

Remember that, Baldy.

- You know what
would really work?

Airbrush that blemish,
perk up the breasts,

give her a tan.

- Got it.

This is for which piece?

- The Natural Look Is Back.

- Jack, messenger
just brought this for you.

- The ring.

- The ring, yes.

- What ring?

- It's the engagement
ring I gave Allie.

She just returned it as part
of the divorce settlement.

It's been in my
family for generations.

- His great grandmother
smuggled it out of Russia

in a matzo ball.

- Damn right.

She made it to the New World.

It's a Gallo good luck charm.

- That's why demands it
back after each failed marriage.

- Thank you, Dennis.

- Five times he
fought for this ring.

- Why don't you just run it
through the usual check?

- Gotcha.

- After the third wife, I
had Dennis take a class.

It just made sense.

- What will happen to it if
you don't get married again?

- I guess Maya will get
it for her engagement.

No pressure.

- None taken.

- So?
- It's the real deal.

But it needs a good cleaning.

God knows where
Allie's hands have been.

Why don't I just go organize...

- Organize your pencils.

- Can you believe Jack?

Could he be more obvious?

- I know, he doesn't give a
damn about these pencils.

- No pressure, please.

He was clearly hinting
that I should marry Maya.

- No he wasn't.

When he's hinting, he winks
and says, "Am I being clear?"

- Please.

How convenient that the ring
just turns up when I'm there.

- I brought it in.

- Don't get me wrong.

I love Maya, but if the
time is ever right, I'll know it.

Come on, things are great now.

Why mess it up?

I wish everyone would
just lay off, you know?

- Ooh, the Epcot Center.

The lost weekend.

- Thanks for your time.

- That was a doozy.

- Elliot, I have
something for you.

- For me?

But it's your birthday.

- It's no big deal.

- A hard candy.

- Yeah, I was at
the dry cleaners

and they had a
bowl on the counter.

- I really like them.

- I know, I dug around
for the watermelon.

- They're my favorite.

- I know.

- You're always thinking of me.

- Of course I am.

- Still warm from
her coat pocket.

- You know, I put a Tootsie
Roll in the dryer one time.

It was in my brown cords.

- I am reading this fascinating
article about body language.

- There's something
I need to tell you.

- No no no.

Let me guess
what you're thinking.

- Jack, please.

- Hold on.

Your hands are tightly clasped,
you're shifting your weight

back and forth,
you're leaning forward.

You want to take me to lunch.

- I want to marry Maya.

- Wow, way off.

You want to marry Maya?

Are you sure?

- I've never been more
certain of anything in my life.

- But this is so sudden.

Why now?

- She's a woman who
gives me hard candy.

- Elliot, I appreciate
the euphemism

but that's my daughter
you're talking about.

- No no, that's
not what I meant.

Look, I've been agonizing
over the perfect birthday gift

and nothing seems right.

Now I know why.

Because this, this is right.

- If you think I was
hinting at something...

- No no, not at all.

See, it's fate.

It's her birthday, the
ring turns up, I love Maya.

It's time.

- Wow, you're serious.


- I'm so excited.

- Me too.

I always wondered what
this moment would be like.

Who would the guy
be, a doctor, a senator?

- Or an artist.

- Well.

Oh, right, right.

You like scotch?

- Scotch is wonderful.

Everything is wonderful.

I want to invite everybody
out there to my wedding.

- Easy does it.

So when are you gonna ask her?

- Tonight.

I want to create
the perfect evening,

something she'll never forget.

- Good for you.

Well, welcome to the family.

- Thanks Jack.



- So guess what.

Oh my god, is it noon already?

- If you don't mind, this is
sort of a special moment.

- You're telling me.

The mayor of Colby just called.

They're thinking about
naming a silo after me.

I don't know if it's grain
or missile, but either way,

it's very humbling.

- Nina, could we
talk about this later?

- Fine.

By the way, good
news, we can fly free

from Wichita to Colby
if we're willing to spray

a little pesticide
along the way.

- I gather you're
keeping this from Nina.

- I'd kind of like Maya
to hear it from me first.

- I understand.

What about Finch?

- You really want to
hear the squealing?

- Come on, he's not so bad.

- Jack, you have to sign
these purchase orders.

Oh my god, you're
gonna propose to Maya.

- Don't tell anyone.

- Not a thing, not a thing.

One thing though, the
bouquet has to be gardenias.

Seriously, please,
they hold their shape

in the keepsake book.

- Dad?

- It's her.

- Hey guys, what's going on?

- Nothing, get the hell out.

- All right, sorry.

- I didn't know what to say.

- None of us did.

- I could not even look at her.

- So, how's my
speech coming along?

- I think I've managed
to string together

a few phrases you might enjoy.

- That's not the
beginning, is it?

- No, no, listen.

In the Wizard of Oz, a young
Kansas girl went far from home

only to find... What,
you don't like it?

I thought it was kind of clever.

- What does it
have to do with me?

- It's a metaphor.

Dorothy was from Kansas.

She went on wild adventures
and then she came home again.

- Oh my god, that is my story.

Plus one of my mean aunts
was crushed under a house.

- Is the coast clear?

- Yeah, Maya's in her office.

- Good, everything's
set for tonight.

I have a horse and carriage
coming at eight o'clock.

- Ooh, make it a white horse.

- Why a white horse?

- From behind it will
look like a unicorn.

Anyway, how about
the restaurant?

- La Finetra, five stars and
no veal to make her sad.

- Ooh, excellent choice.

Call ahead and order
the chocolate souffle.

- Oh, that's a great idea.

- I've imagined Maya's
proposal many times.

Many, many times.

- We'll eat, we'll
toast, I'll propose.

And then onto a suite
at the Four Seasons.

I've taken care of every detail.

- So you've arranged for
rose petals in the bedroom?

- No.

- No, but you do have a
lovers' mix tape on the stereo.

- Oh, damn.

- Oh my god, did you
at least get the ring size?

- Oh god, I've done nothing.

- Calm down.

- It's all going to hell!

- Stop it!

This is our big night
and you will not spoil it.

- I'm sorry.

- All right, now relax, calm
down, leave everything to me.

- Are you sure you
can handle this?

Because this has to be perfect.

She'll be telling this
story for the rest of her life

and it shouldn't get laughs.

- Elliot, I promise this will
be the most humorless night

of your life.

- That's all I'm asking.

- All right, but
don't rub my back.

- Aw, look at you guys.

- Get the hell out!

- What is your problem?

- She's sneaking up on me.

- She's like a busty
ninja, that one.

- There you are.

- Finch never gave me the ring.

- He just called.

He's running a little late.

He's gonna have the
maitre d' sneak it to you

at the restaurant.

- That seems a
little half assed.

- You listen to me.

This is the biggest
night of your life

and it's gonna go great.

- You're right, Jack, thanks.

- You need a little cash?

- Nah, I'm good.

- I like the sound of that.

Where is she?

- In her office, waiting
for her birthday surprise.

- Then go take what is
mine and make it yours.

Came out a little creepy.

Anyway, big night.

- Big night, big night.

It's actually happening.

Gonna be perfect.

Here we go.

- What's the point of living?

- Ssh, it's okay.

- What the hell is going on?

- They canceled
Nina Van Horn Day.

- Why?

- Apparently one of
my underground films

from the '70s turned
up at the Video Barn.

Now they think that I'm
sending the wrong message.

- So close minded.

People are so
uptight about nudity.

- And other stuff.

- You know what, you
need some alone time, hmm?

- Those ungrateful potato
sack wearing hee-haws.

I was gonna show
them how to use lip liner.

- Atta girl.

Maya, let's go.

- Oh god, don't leave.

- Of course we
won't leave you, Nina.

Will we, Elliot?

- You'll always
be in our thoughts.

- Dear, sweet Maya.

You're like the cowardly
scarecrow with the tin hat.

- Hey, you're gonna
feel just as bad tomorrow.

Can't we cheer you up then?

I made plans.

- Why is it always about you?

- It isn't, it's about you
and our magical night.

And a tight schedule.

- You know what, you
have been a little bit of a jerk

all day today and I would
like a break from you right now.

- But there's gonna be a
horse, possibly a white one.

- Look, you two just go.

I'm not gonna let my
incredible pain stand in the way

of your little celebration.

- Thank you.
- Are you sure?

- Just live, laugh, love.

- And we're off.

Alone at last.

- Nobody loves me!

What a ridiculously small table.

- It was meant for two.

- Hey, I liked
the carriage ride.

- I knew you would.

- I didn't know they were
allowed to use donkeys.

- It was a small horse.

- The driver called him Eeyore.

- Don't push me.

- I thought he was cute.

By the way, these
are my favorite flowers.

- I know, I called ahead.

- Sir, you need to
go to the bathroom.

- What, no I don't.

- There's a phone in there.

One of the waiters
heard it ring.

- I have a phone call.

Why didn't you just
pass me a note?

- Why do you people put
ketchup on everything?

Ow, that hurts.

- Finch?

Don't be such a baby.

- What is going on?

- The ring got stuck on his toe.

- There's a very
simple explanation.

- I'm dying to hear it.

- I was in the bathtub
and I was pretending

that my feet were getting
married to each other.

- Then he called me
and I came down to help.

- It could happen to anybody.

- Name one person.

- I saw something
like this on an ER.

- Yeah, I did too, it brought
the hospital together.

- They were like a family.

- Stop it!

This is not a joke.

We're not waiting for a bus.

I'm going for magic
and I'm getting diddly.

- What do you mean?

What else is wrong?

- Nina came with us.

- What?

- That's not very romantic.

- Congratulations.

You are now a proud
graduate from the school

of the blatantly obvious.

- Calm down.

You go back and get rid of Nina

and I'm gonna rub
soap on Finch's toe.

And I'll try not to enjoy it.

Come on, you'll be
telling that joke tomorrow.

- Where's Maya?

- Maya, Maya, Maya.

If you love her so much,
why don't you just marry her?

- I am.

- What?

- I'm gonna propose to Maya.

- Oh my god.

And I'm gonna be here to see it.

- No you're not.

- But I can help.

- How?

- If she says no, I
can come onto you

and make her jealous.

- She's not gonna say no.

- Says the man who
brought her here on a donkey.

- I'm begging you, go.

- Here's your drink.

- Maya, I have to go.

- Why?

- Because I hooked
up with a guy at the bar.

- Really, when?

- About 15 seconds from now.

- Strange.

This whole day has been weird.

It's like there's
something in the air.

- That's insane.

It's just another birthday.

Nothing weird.

- Oh my god, it's
Finch and my dad.

What are you guys doing here?

- Look who's here.

Dennis and I just met
outside by accident

and then we decided
to come in and eat,

as we both became
hungry simultaneously.

- Finch, what
happened to your foot?

- Yeah, that damn thing
just gave out on me.

Is that Kevin Bacon, my lord.

- Guess not.

That's disappointing.

Come on, Dennis,
I'll buy you a drink.

- Nonalcoholic,
I'm trying to clot.

- Where was I?

- You were saying that it
was just a regular birthday.

- Right, right.

- Hey, we didn't
order champagne.

- Actually, I did.

The fact is, it's not
just another birthday.

- What do you mean?

- For one thing, you've
never looked more beautiful.

- Maybe we should
just actually leave.

- Nonsense, they
want us to be here.

- I can't see this
magical moment.

- Fine.

Barkeep, another phone book.

- Can you make it a double?

- I've been thinking
a lot about us.

- Oh, I love this song.

- I know you do.

I was sort of hoping
it could be our song.

- Our song?

- That's right.

You know, the song
we heard the night

that I proposed to you.

- What?

- Maya, I love you.

I love you more every day.

Just when I think that's
as much as I can love,

you give me a candy
and I love you even more.

- Elliot.

- Maya, will you marry me?

- Oh my god.

- I mean, it's so clear to
me that we belong together.

Please say yes.

Say you'll be my wife.

- I never...

Yes, yes, I'll marry you.

- My little girl is
getting married.

- You still got me, Jack.

- I should have known
when I saw that donkey cart

outside the building.

- It was supposed to be...

It doesn't matter.

- Oh, it's my great
grandmother's ring.

- Now it's yours.

- Forever.

- Forever.

- Forever.

- Ooh, it's a
little hot in here.

- I can't wait to call my mom.

Gosh, we really
need to start planning.

We'll have to get a big
church so my parents

can sit very far apart.

- Are we under a vent?

- I'm not kidding, if we
want to do this by June,

we have got to get
cracking on these plans.

- I swear to god, it's
like 100 degrees here.

No, this is a mistake,
I don't want this.

- No, I ordered the calamari.

You don't have to eat it.

- This is all wrong,
it's all wrong.

- Tell them to take it back.

- You can't take it back.

It's already out
there, it's too late.

- Elliot, you look awful.

Are you all right?

- Yes.


I can't breathe.

I gotta get out of here.

- Oh my god.

- I can't look.

Are they kissing?