Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 1 - Hit the Road, Jack - full transcript

Elliot hears Alley break up with Jack on the answering machine. He accidentally erases the message. Finch shares a passionate kiss with Nina and then insults her by telling her she's not his type. Seduction and revenge put Nina on top.

Previously on Just Shoot Me.

- Oh god, remember back when

just holding hands
meant everything.

- Mm-hmm, sitting close.

- Or a longing look.

- Having your knees touch.

- Mmm, Nina.

Ooh Nina.

- Mmm, Finchy,
my little love bat.

- ♪ Boom chi chi

♪ ba-boom chi chi ba-boom boom ♪

Hey, you two still here?

- Yeah, uh, there was
supposed to be a meteor shower?

- I don't see anything.

- It may have been rescheduled.

- Anyway, I have the
car waiting outside

if either one of
you wants a lift.

- Oh, uh, I still have
some work to finish.

- You know what, if you're
going downtown, I'll go with you.

- But, but, Finch, uh, I thought
we were gonna share a cab.

- Oh, come on, Nina, let
the boy enjoy a free ride.

- I was going to.

- Dunlop.

- Very impressive.

- Thank you.

- And disturbing.

Anyway, how come you're
not playing with Allie today?

- She took Hannah and went
upstate to visit her parents.

- Well, I'm really
looking forward to this.

Ba-donk, ba-dink.

Ba-donk, ba-dink.

Ba-donk, ba-dink.

- Hold on, I gotta find my keys.

- Just remember that I
have to leave the club by 11.

I've got that photo
shoot aboard the Intrepid.

- Oh, right, remember,
be respectful.

That ship's a
monument to the men

who fought and
died for this country.

- You still want the models
to straddle the big guns, right?

- Oh, yeah.

Jack, it's me, Allie.

Okay, look, I know
you're not home,

but I've got to say this
before I chicken out.

I, um, I'm leaving you.

I'm sorry, but I can't live with

the lies and
deception and stuff.

Look, we'll work
things out with Hannah

and, uh, wow.

Okay, uh, I, I've gotta go.

- Elliot!
- What?

You want some iced tea?

No, no.

Message erased.

- Hey, you know,
Maya loves tennis.

Maybe when Allie gets back
we can all four go play doubles.

What do you say?

- Okay.

- Once again, someone
has eaten my plain yogurt

and left me with
their sugar-free flan.

- I think I saw your
yogurt in the back.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

Bottom shelf, way in the back.

Ah, yeah, oh, it's
back there, to the right.

To the left.

All right, that should
hold me till lunch.

- Finch, my able work mate.

Listen, about last
night. we've gotta talk.

- Oh yeah, I guess we do.

- Oh, by the way, bravo
for going home with Jack.

You know, at first I
was a little confused,

but then I realized
you were just

throwing him off the scent.

- Right, sure.

- What?

- It's not important.

- Oh, Finch, you and
your office materials.

No really, I want to know.

- Well it's not like anything
would have happened anyway.

- Okay, okay I am
gonna confess something

that I think just
might rock your world.

I was so caught up in
the moment last night that

I actually was gonna
let you have me.

- Yeah, I know you were.

- Now I'm confused.

- Look, I didn't
want to say it before,

but the reason I left
with Jack was because

I'm just not interested.

Give me a break, what like you

weren't turned on, I mean?

- It's very nice,
but not for me.

- That's insane,
I'm for everybody.

- Look, I'm sure
it's my problem.

- Hey, hey, don't
you patronize me.

I've had more lovers
than you've had

trips to the boys
department at Sears.

- You know, I have
to say, I'm usually

not a fan of flan, but
this flan is flavorful.

- Maya.

- Hey, that was a quick match.

- Yeah, I faked a groin
injury after 10 minutes and left.

- Why?

- Because I couldn't
look him in the eye.

Allie's leaving your father.

- What?

- Yeah.

Jack doesn't even know.

He was out of the room
when Allie left the message,

and I accidentally erased it.

- Oh my god, where is he?

- He stayed to practice
jumping over the net.

- You left without telling him?

- I couldn't!

What if he broke down,
what if he started crying.

I shouldn't see that.

- You're the one who
heard the message.

You should at least
tell him with me.

- Look, look, look,
I'm just no good

at this kind of thing, okay?

- Elliott!

- Hey, hey, what about
this, what about this?

Let's call Jack's machine
and leave a message.

After all that's how Allie
wanted him to find out.

She's the one
dumping him, I mean,

I think we should
respect her wishes.

- When my father gets here,
we're gonna talk with him.


- Fine, fine.

Stupid answering
machine, stupid tennis,

stupid Allie.

Oh great, and
someone ate my flan!

- Space bar, get clean!

- Finch, we need to go
over the seating chart

for the advertisers luncheon.

- Oh yeah, okay.

- All right, come on,
let's go to my office.

- Actually, I'd rather not.

- Why not?

- Well, with the way
things are, I'd just

feel a little safer out here.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, with all these
people around, I think

you'll be less likely to say
something inappropriate

or try to have sex with me.

- All right, are you done?

- Yes.

Oh, dammit.

Oh, did I sit in gum?

Oh my god, what am I doing?

It's like sticking a carrot
under a bunny's nose.

- All right, that's enough!

- Okay, you can stare
at it for 10 seconds,

but you break it you
buy it, baby, store policy.

- You smug little
hamster of a man.

You think you're
holding all the cards.

Well, you're not
holding any cards.

And if you are, they're low
cards, like twos and sevens.

I had one brief, bizarre
moment of weakness,

but it'll never happen again.

So you don't hold
anything over me.

It is over, done, finished.


- Perfectly.

You can't have me,
and it drives you nuts.

- Arrgh, gah!

- That's right, walk it off.

Get some blood
flowing above the waist.

- Dennis, call the
club and tell them to

rehire the locker
room attendant.

I found my wallet in the car.

Hey, how's the groin, sissy-boy?

- Dad, we have to talk.

- What are you wearing
those clothes for?

Those clothes are
for tennis players,

not for wusses who flee at the

first sign of the
Gallo power serve.

- His racket is
double regulation size.

- Dad, did you hear me?

- Yes, yes, talk.

- Um, actually, it's a
family matter, so Finch,

if you could.

- What?

- Go?

- I'll go too.

- No, no, you stay!

- Now, what's so important?

- Dad, I have some sad news.

Allie's leaving you.

- What?

- She called the
house this morning.

Elliott heard the message.

- It was while you
were out of the room.

I erased it by accident.

I'm sorry I couldn't
tell you before, Jack.

- Slow down.

This isn't making any sense.

What did she say, exactly?

- Exactly?

Just that, it's over and she's

tired of the lies and deception.

- What?
- What was that?

You didn't say that part!

- Please, please let me go.

- Lies and deception?

- Dad, did you cheat on her?

- Barbara.

- How could you?

- She's a real estate agent.

- Oh, they can be very
charming, Jack, but.

- No, no, no, no.

I've been looking to
surprise Allie with a

little studio space so
she can do her artwork.

Last week, Barbara was
showing me some places,

and we ran into a
couple of Allie's friends,

and one of them must have
blabbed something to her.

- That's it?

- And there were a
couple of times at home

when Allie walked in when I was

on the phone with Barbara,
and I quickly hung up.

In hindsight, it may have
seemed a little suspicious.

- You can fix that.

- I can, and I will right now.

I'm driving up there and
straighten this thing out.

- I'm feeling a little
better, if anyone cares!

- Oh, semicolon, you are one
tough bastard, but I gotcha!

- Going somewhere?

So, seems it's
just the two of us.

- Yes, well, good night.

- Uh!

Whoa, where's the fire?

- No fire, just wanna go home.

- You know, you were right
before, about me wanting you.

I've had a thing for
you for a long, long time.

- You have?

- Oh, sure, I try
to hide it, but that's

only because I'm afraid
if I let my guard down,

like I am now,

I'm not sure what might happen.

- You aren't?

- So let's find out, huh,
right here, right now.

- I tell you what.

Why don't you go over
there and turn off that lamp.

- Yeah?

- While I go home and
watch Access Hollywood.

- Okay, okay, okay.

I get it, I get it.

I've been going
about this all wrong.

Classy seduction is a little
over your head, so here.

All aboard!

- No thanks.

- Hey, hey, you come
back here, Dennis Q. Finch.

Nobody says no to
Nina Van, Nina Van,

Nina Van Nobody.

Rejected by a reject.

Oh god, I've hit rock bottom.

- Then my job is done.

- Pardon?

- I got you back!

I finally got you
back, it took me

nine years, but I got you back!

Uh, uh, take it sweetie!

- What are you talking about?

- I'm talking about revenge.

The sweet juicy nectar.

Of revenge.

You really don't
remember do you?

It was my first
day at work here.

- Dennis, I see a
bright future for you.

All my assistants' careers
have taken off like rocket ships.

- Really?

- This isn't a counter, my boy.

It's a launching pad.

- All right.

- Oh, and by the
way, remind me later

to show you how
soft I like my cookies.

You do bake, don't you?

- Yes, sir.

- Atta boy.

- Hello young man,
tell Jack I'll be taking

a long, long lunch which may
bleed into an early weekend.

- Whoa, Nina Van Horn?

Oh my gosh, I used
to have your poster

above my bed growing up.

You're even more
beautiful in person.

- Thank you, that's so sweet.

- Oh!

Uh, uh, Miss Van Horn?

Maybe you and I could
go to dinner sometime?

- Oh my.

Uh, girls, could you just
come back over here a minute?

Now just say what
you just said again.

- Maybe you and I could have
dinner together sometime?

- Did you hear that?

That troll actually
tried to date me!

Ooh, Hammer time!

- Oh, now I remember!

I am so sorry.

- Hammer time.

I'll have you know
that Rick Springfield

wore that outfit when
he won a Grammy, lady.

A Grammy!

- Finch, I, I, I don't
know what to say.

I'm ashamed of myself.

I am truly ashamed.

- Well you should be.

And I got you back.

- Yes, you did.

It's too bad though.

- What do you mean?

- Well you can't
deny that last night,

before Jack came in, there was

something between us.

- I don't know about that.

- Oh yes, you do.

I've kissed a few
men in my time,

I know when I'm
being kissed back.

- So.

- So now we'll never know
what might've happened.

Will we?

- Chew on that for nine years!

- I wasn't gonna kiss you!

I'm not turned on by you!

I'm gonna tell everybody
we did it anyway!

- Okay, let's see,
okay, put 'em right there

so they'll see them
right when they walk in,

but, let's put the bear
in Hannah's room.

- Let me see the card.

"Congratulations on getting
over your misunderstanding."

Wow, they really do make them

for every occasion, don't they?

- You have no idea.

I saw one that
said, "So you've had

your second heart attack."

- Come on.

Do we have any flan at home?

- Dad?

Are you all right?

What happened?

- I think it's safe to say
Allie and I are through.

- Why?

Didn't you explain
to her about Barbara

and that it was all a
big misunderstanding?

- Yes, and then she
explained to me about Jeff.

- What?

- She's the one
who's having an affair.

- Oh no.

Oh god, Dad, I'm so sorry.


You know, if there's anything I,

I mean, if you need
to let it out, it's fine.

Because we're human
beings and trying to feel,

trying to be in the
sense of being,

a human being.

- Elliott, would you
like to wait outside?

- I would, Jack.

- Maybe there's some way
you could still work it out?

- I don't think so.

She tells me she's been
unhappy for a long time,

and this guy Jeff, she
says she's in love with him.

- Oh, Dad.

- I tried this time
around, Maya, I really did.

- I know you did.

- You always said I had
no business marrying her,

and you were right.

- Yeah, but I didn't want to be.

I know it hurts now,
but it's gonna be okay.

- How's it gonna be okay?

What about Hannah?

- Well, I don't
know, you and Allie

will work out some
sort of arrangement.

- I don't want an arrangement!

I don't want to move away.

I don't want to be a part-time
father like I was with you.

I want to watch her grow up.

I want to be able
to walk in this room

every night and read
her a story and then

tuck her in, tell
her I love her.

Not that guy again.


- Dad, where are you going?

Dad, you're going
about this all wrong.

First you have to file an
anonymous complaint,

then you gotta buy
a decibel meter.

Then you gotta r...

- This had better
be good, Gallo.

We were this close
to drawing a bath.

- Charles, I wanna
buy your apartment.

- Beg your pardon?

- I wanna live here,
right next door to me.

Name your price.

- Look, Gallo, I'm
very comfortable here.

I have no intention...

- I'll give you twice
its appraised value

plus a 10% bonus if you're
out by the end of the month.

- Bitsy, we're
moving to the country.

- Sometimes you
really surprise me.

- Jack, Jack, now I know
what I wanted to say.

A human being has
human feelings, and

when a moment
like this comes up,

if you need, if
you need anything.

It's safe, I want
you to know that.

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Keeps me bringin' me home

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do

♪ 'Cause ♪ It's
got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you