Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 24 - Fast Times at Finchmont High - full transcript

Maya has a problem when a reporter scheduled to pose as a high school student calls in sick. Needing someone for the assignment, Jack turns to Finch.

- Well, I've spent
the entire weekend

watching a tape of
my A&E biography

and I've realized
a number of things.

- How many don't involve
your looks or your weight?

- Four.

- Or your hair.

- One.

- Make it quick.

- Everything bad that's
happened in my life

has had a direct
connection to men.

- Huh, go on.

- Well, I've spent all my energy

pleasing husbands and boyfriends

and having them please me,

if you catch my drift.

- Yeah.

- I mean, who knows
what I might have become

if I hadn't always
been side tracked.

I could've been the
president or a scientist

or at least mastered

and goes into.

(audience laughs)

- I have a radical suggestion.

Abstain from sex for awhile.

- Well, thanks for listening.

- Seriously, seriously,

just think about giving up sex.

- You know, my therapist
once suggested the same thing,

but I thought that was just
his way of breaking up with me.

- Now, a few years back

I was going though
this confusing time

and I decided to
give up sex for awhile.

I mean, not to get all
new agey, but you know,

suddenly I found
all this clarity.

My life really came into focus.

- Clarity, focus.

You know what?

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna be celibate.

(Maya laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Hey, don't let that
discourage you, alright.

That's only one
person's opinion.

- [Jack] Nina?

(Jack laughs)

(jangly upbeat music)

- Here's your problem.

Port connection isn't
hooked up to your panties,

your printer.

(audience laughs)

- So, what is the big crisis?

- The writer we hired to pose

as a high school
student just called in sick.

- What?

We set aside 10 pages for this.

- You know, as a backup...

- We're not doing the
Sandra Day O'Connor piece.

- But I've got
some hot new stuff.

Do you know what the
other justices call her?


- Maya, no.

All we have to do is find
someone who can pass

for a high school kid.

- Yeah, but where?

- You said but where.

(audience laughs)

No way.

- Dennis, it's just one day.

Stanley can fill in for you.

- It's Kevin.

(audience laughs)

- You don't look like a Kevin.

- I know, I don't
feel like a Kevin.

(audience laughs)

- Look, I'm not wasting my time

hanging out with
a bunch of children.

- Come on, Dennis, it'll be fun.

You'll be undercover.

- Yeah, it'll be easy.

You just have to
hang out with the kids,

find out what they think.

I'll do all the writing.

- Forget it.

I hated high school
the first time around.

I was too fragile
to play sports,

never had a date,
never went to the prom.

- You must've had friends.

- Just a bunch of guys
that called me Denise

and took my pants.

- Dennis, I strongly
suggest you reconsider.

- Jack, you really
think you can bully me

into going back to high
school by taking my juice?

(audience laughs)

- Whoops.

Hey new guy.

- Dammit.

(upbeat music)

(operatic singing
in foreign language)

(audience laughs)

- Kevin, is the
radio on in here?

- No.

- I thought I heard singing.

- I didn't hear anything.

Just organizing.

(operatic singing
in foreign language)

- You didn't hear that?

- What?

- Nothing.

Well, okay, see you later.

- Okay.

(door slams)

(operatic singing
in foreign language)

- It is you.

- It won't happen again.

- No, no, it was so beautiful.

- I have to go.

- So sweet.

Such sweets sounds
from such an odd bird.

(audience laughs)

- Nina!

- Miguel, what are
you doing in town?

- I have a two day layover.


(audience laughs)

- My goodness.

- Can we go back to
my hotel for a drink?

I'm in the mood for Nina-colada.

(audience laughs)

- If anyone needs
me I'll be in ecstasy.

- Nina, Nina, can I talk to you?

- Can you hold on
for just one moment?

- I am in an erotic
holding pattern.

(audience laughs)

- What about our conversation?

You know, focus,
clarity, no sex.

- But the only thing Miguel
and I have in common

is sex.

- Nina, this is
the perfect test,

a chance to prove you
can take control of your life.

I'll be right here
if you need me.

- Miguel, I'm sorry,

but I'm afraid I can't
go back to your hotel.

I've decided to become celibate.

- Congratulations.

I look forward to making
love to the new you.

- No, no, no, I'm serious.

- She plays hard to get, no?

Well, when I come back,

I will turn up the
heat from uno to ocho.

(audience laughs)

- What airline do you work for?

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- So, we have a little
initiation ritual here

to welcome all of
our new students.

- Right.

- So we'll be
needing your pants.

- Oh, here we go.

- Hey guys.

- [Mark] Hi, Krissy.

- Hey, Krissy.

- Mark, what are you doing?

- I'm getting new guys pants.

- How many pairs of
tiny pants do you need?

Heads up, it's Mr. Peters.

- What's this little

Mark, aren't you supposed to be

in my English class right now?

And you, no drinking
in the hallway.

- Hey, that's mine.

- Well, now it's mine.

- Well, now it's mine.

(audience laughs)

- What's you name, young man?

- D Finch.

- And the D stands for?

- D-Cup, 'cause that's
the way I like my ladies.

(audience laughs)

- Well as of today, D
stands for detention.

- Are you sure D
doesn't stand for dance.

- Oh very clever.

That'll look very nice on
your permanent record.

- Oh no, not my
permanent record.

(audience laughs)

Then I can't be
an English teacher

and wear a powerful
high energy sweater vest.

- Hey, watch it.

- Let me guess, you
took the teaching gig

so you'd have time to
write a serious novel.

- That's enough.

- Now 15 years later,
it's still not finished

and you won't
show it to your wife

because it's not any good.

- It's a work in progress.

(audience laughs)

- You smoked him, man.

- Dude touched my juice.

(upbeat music)

- I'm telling you, he has
an incredible singing voice.

- Kevin, the mail guy?

- He creeps me out.

Have you noticed how he walks?

His arms don't move.

- Believe me, no one
is more uncomfortable

around Kevin than I am,

but you gotta hear him sing.


Wait'll you hear him.

- Yeah?

- Kevin, I was just telling them

what a beautiful voice you have.

- What do you mean?

- The way you
were singing earlier.

- I don't sing.

- Of course you do.

Now come on, sing something.

- I'm afraid you're mistaken.

(audience laughs)

- Well done, dad.

I almost believed you.

- I'm telling you,

he has the voice of an angel.

- Uh huh and a basement
full of hitchhikers.

(audience laughs)

- Don't ever do that again!

(audience laughs)

- But I thought you...
- Ever!

(audience laughs)

So you have some messages.

(audience laughs)

- So why did you get
kicked out of your old school?

- Well, I borrowed
the principal's car

for a little trip to Vegas.

With his wife.

- Cool.

- Hey, D-Cup, we're
gonna go tell the guys

what you said to
Mr. Kowalski in gym class.

- Yeah, D, say it again.

- All right,

you climb the rope.

- Awesome, simply awesome.

- Well, I gotta
hand it to you, D,

everyone's talking about you.

- Well, that's the way it is.

- I think you're full of it.

- What do you mean?

- Pretending you
don't care about school

or teachers or your
permanent record.

I'm not buying into your act.

- Really?

Maybe I'm not buying into yours.

- I don't have an act.

- Oh, I think you do,

in your costume, playing
the part of little Miss Popular,

but secretly you're terrified

if you let your guard down
no one will like the real you.

- You know, your
little mind games

may work on
Mr. Peters, but not me.

I don't have any secrets.

I'm not hiding anything.

- Good for you.

By the way, nice nose job.

(audience laughs)

- Shut up D bag.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Ocho.

(audience laughs)

- Oh my god.

- Is this not the office
of Nina Van Horn?

- Uh, no.

- Could you send her in?

- Sure, yes.

(audience laughs)


your boyfriend is
sitting behind my desk,

naked, smoking a cigar.

- That is so romantic.

- Nina, it's not romantic.

It's not even hygienic.

- Not to mention,

this is supposed to be a
smoke free environment.

- Elliot, what am I gonna do?

- Let's go get a cup of coffee.

- You're right,

remove myself from temptation.

Good idea.

I'll just get Miguel's order.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, there you are.

How'd it go?

- Unbelievable.

I was a god.

It was like a dream come true.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
what about your research?

- My what?

- For the article, your notes.

- Oh yeah, tons of them,
lots of stuff happening.

I'll type it up tomorrow.

- Oh, give me a taste.

What do today's high
school boys think about girls?

- Ah, they like them.

(audience laughs)

- That's it?

- Especially the
complex brainy ones

that work on the school paper.

- I knew it.

(audience laughs)

Because we're
inquisitive and literate

and that's sexy.

(audience laughs)

- D?

- Krissy, what are
you doing here?

- You know I followed you.

- I do?

- Come on, you tried to ditch me

by going in that
creepy porn shop.

- Oh yeah, right.

- So, what are you doing here?

- After school job.

It's kinda lame, but
they give me time off

to tour with my band.

Why'd you follow me?

- Because no one ever
talked to me like you did.

- Yeah, listen, I didn't mean
to get all Road Rules on you.

- No, no, no, no, no.

It was more than Road Rules,

I mean, it was The
Real World Hawaii.

(audience laughs)

And that's exactly the
medicine I needed, D.

- Sometimes, D is for doctor.

- You are so finchy.

- Finchy?

- Yeah, it's a new
word at school.

- Really?

Well, you're pretty
finchified yourself.

- That is so sweet.

Okay, here goes.


will you go with me to the prom?

- The prom?

- I know, I know, it'll
probably be really lame

and everyone will be
fawning all over you

and be voted king
and queen, but.

Are you crying?

- No.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Hey, you look fancy.

Where're you going?

- To the prom.

- Finch, that's so great.

I so appreciate you
going the extra mile

for this article.

- No problem.

- What's that?

- Corsage for my date.

- You're taking a girl?

- Oh, not just any girl,
the head cheerleader

and she asked me.

- Finch, you can't
do this, it's wrong.

- Wrong, how in your
twisted mind is this wrong?

- You're a 33 year old
man going on a date

with a high school cheerleader.

- Head cheerleader,
top of the pyramid.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, bitchin'.

- First of all, no one
says bitchin' anymore.

Secondly, it is bitchin'.

I get to go back to
high school again

and this time
I'm doing it right.

(audience laughs)

- This is so sad.

- Sad, you know what's sad?

Soon all my new friends
will be going off to college.

(audience laughs)

- Nina.

- Miguel.

- I must leave this afternoon.

This is our last chance to
couple as God has intended.

- Oh dear.

- Listen, pal.

- Oh now that's just sexy.

- Nina, I cannot take
off until we've made love.

It's part of my
preflight check list.

- Be strong.

- Your husband's
starting to annoy me.

(audience laughs)

Let me just kiss your neck.

If you feel nothing, I will go.


- No.

- Yes, it's all right.

I'm clear, I'm focused
and I am in control.


- Very well.

I will pick up a chick
at the duty free shop.

I will have sex and tax
free cigarettes to boot.

(audience laughs)

- I'm very proud of you.

You've made great progress.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

- I can't.

- Why not?

- Because if I move
I'll have an orgasm.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Mr. Gallo?

- I have mace in here.

- I just wanted to apologize
for yelling at you yesterday.

- Apology accepted.

Kevin, wait.

I have to ask, you have
the most beautiful voice

I've ever heard, why don't
you let others enjoy it?

- I did once, but I got hurt.

- Was it a girl?

- Yeah, from back home.

- Where's home?

- Jupiter.

(audience laughs)

Jupiter, Florida.

- Oh, of course,
grapefruit country.

You don't want
to sing for others,

that's your business,
but I just want you to know

how moved I was by your voice.

It reminded me of the
last time my father took me

to Carnegie Hall.

I was 12 and there
was a tenor there

with a voice as
beautiful as yours.

I guess the memories
just came flooding back.

Anyway, goodnight, Kevin.

♪ Oh Danny boy

♪ The pipes the
pipes are calling

♪ From glen to glen

♪ And down the mountainside

(slow romantic music)

- Oh my god, look
at the decorations.

Look at the lights.

It's like something
out of Cinderella.

- Seriously, how lame is this?

- Oh yeah, that's totally
lame, very unfinchy.

Would you like to dance?

Right here, in
front of everyone.

- D, you make me
feel like a princess.

- Ditto times two.

(audience laughs)

- So later on, some of the gang

are gonna grab some champagne

and head up to the lake.

- The lake?

Oh, there's a lake.

There's always a lake.

The lake is perfect.

- Cool, 'cause that's
where I'm gonna tell you

I love you.

- What, wait, you love me?

- Shh, not 'til the lake.

- Listen, Krissy, I
understand you're hot for me.

I'm totally rockin',
but you don't love me.

I mean, that's just the
lights and the music

and the after shower body spray.

- No, it's not.

It's me cutting through the bull

and getting to what's real.

You taught me that.

- You've only known
me for one day.

- Look, I know it
may seem crazy,

but I know how I feel.

I have totally fallen
in love with you

and nothing you can
say can change that.

- Oh Krissy.

I'm 33 years old.

I know that might
be cool to your gang.

- Ew!

- Let me explain.

- Ew!

- No, I'm...
- Ew, ew, ew, ew!

D-Cup is 33.

The old guy totally wanted
to perv on me at the lake.

- No, no she's kidding.

It's a big joke.

Dude, it's D-Cup
talking, it's finchified, man.

I'm keeping it real
with the finchiness.

(audience laughs)

Nina, what are you doing here?

- [Nina] Just thinking.

- [Dennis] Ha ha, good one.

- Hey, why the tux?

- I was at the prom.

- Yeah, good one.

Well, I've had a great day.

Seized control of my life.

I looked into the
navel of the beast

and I said no, gracias.

(audience laughs)

- I had a chance to
definch a cheerleader,

possibly in a paddle boat.

And I, too, said no, gracias.

- Mine was Spanish.

- Ah, mine took Spanish.

(audience laughs)

I guess you can't
be a kid again.

- Oh god, remember back when

just holding hands
meant everything.

- Or sitting close.

- Or a longing look.

- Or having your knees touch.

(operatic singing in
a foreign language)

(audience laughs)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you