Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 2 - When Nina Met Elliott - full transcript

(electronic dance music)

- Honey, check out this new
move I came up with at lunch.


What it is, what it was.

- Hot.

- I can only do
it in these pants.

- What's up?

- Sorry buddy,
I can't let you in.

- Yeah, that's my wife.

- Who, Adrienne Barker?

- Yeah, I'm her husband.

- Sure you are.

- I'm not kidding,
we just got married.

- Just now, in
your head, beat it.

- Ooh, is that Puff Daddy?

("Just Shoot Me" theme song)

- Okay people, let's open it up.

I wanna hear some new ideas,

something fresh,
something different.

Come on, now, dazzle me.


- Check it out, put me
and Adrienne on the cover

and do a whole piece
about our storybook romance.

- Dennis, I like that idea.

Here's what's gonna
make me love it.

We keep Adrienne and lose
you and the romance angle.

Okay, that's one
for me, who's next?

Dazzle me, Maya, go.

- Okay, um, I was
thinking it would be fun

to do an article on lost loves.

I mean, everybody's got a
story on the one that got away.

- I don't.

- Trust me, dear, you will.

- Maya, look no further.

I got a lost love story
for you right here.

As usual, my name
will be changed to Jerry.

- Great.

- I met her on my first
business trip to Thailand.

She was a beauty,
jet-black hair, velvet skin.

Toes like peanuts.

- So what happened?

- We had one
magical night and then,

she ran off with another man.

Love you long time.

There's a lie.

- I got your story, Maya.

But it doesn't take
place in the Far East.

It takes place
here in the heart.

- As usual, his name
will be changed to Lisa.

- It was about 15 years ago.

Her name was Sarah Tyler.

We'd been dating
almost two years,

and we were about to take
a sailing trip around the world

when Sarah put her foot down.

Either I propose or
she takes the trip alone.

- And you couldn't commit?

- I loved her, but her
family was loaded.

And as an artist, I
thought it would spoil me.

I mean, she was just too rich.

- You know, that kind of
bigotry really steams me.

- Elliot, take it from me.

There's no such
thing as being too rich.

- Jack, no offense, but
I'm talking serious money.

- Oh really?

- Anyway, I finally
realized that I was making

the biggest mistake of my life.

So the night before
she was about to leave,

I headed down to the pier.

Hi there.

- What can I do for you, son?

- A dozen long-stemmed
red roses, please.

- Who's the lucky lady?

- Only the woman
I'm about to marry.

- Well, you sound
like a nice young man.

So roses are on the house.

- Uh...


- You know, I've been
married for 35 years.

And here's my advice to you.

Always be willing to compromise.

- Wow, I'll remember that.

And thank you for the flowers.

- Take time to listen.

Really listen.
- I will,

and thank you
for all your advice.

(tires squealing)

- Never go to bed angry.

- That was it, run
over by a DeLorean.

Sarah sailed off without ever
knowing I was gonna propose,

and I spent three
weeks in the hospital.

When I got out,
I tried to find her,

but she had sailed away.

And I've never seen her again.

- You never saw her again?

- I kept trying to make
contact with her until,

you know, I heard
she got married.

- And they never
caught the driver?

- Nope, got away scot-free.

- That's horrible.

- Can you believe that?

- Geez, can you believe?

(twanging guitar)
(audience laughing)

(upbeat guitar music)

- You know, I still can't
believe Eliot's story.

- Me neither, I mean how
much is serious money?

- Jack, I was up all night
with this, so stay close.

Your Tuesday at 4:00
wants Thursday at 1:00,

but that's where I moved
your Wednesday at 2:00.

I booked me and
Adrienne for the cover,

but we still have switch your
Friday from 10:00 to 2:00.

Either way your Wednesday's
free, you okay with that?

- Absolutely.

Except for the part about
you being on the cover.

- Come on Jack, please.

- And to be honest, I'm not
too sure about Thursday at 1:00.

- Finch, what's going on?

- I finally have
someone great in my life

and no one believes
I'm her husband.

- Oh, the only thing
that should matter

is how you and Adrienne
feel about each other.

Who cares what the world thinks?

- I do.

- But you shouldn't.

- But I do.

- But you don't have to.

- But I want to.

- Tell you what I'll do.

Get me a picture
of you and Adrienne,

and I'll get it to my
friend at the Post.

And tomorrow
morning, all of New York

will read about your wedding.

- Thank you Jack,
that means a lot to me.

- No problem, Dennis.

- Oh boy, I can't wait to
make my friends eat it, uh!

(phone ringing)

- [Answering Machine]
Hi, this is Maya.

I'm not here.

You know the drill, speak
frankly, but speak quickly.

- Remember to tape PBS
special on wooden roller coasters.

See me later. (laughs)

- Hey, got a minute?

- Sure, honey, what's up?

- I need to talk to
you about something.

Do you by any chance
remember that story Eliot told

about getting hit by a car?

- Yes, Nina, that
was 20 minutes ago.

- Okay, well it's just I
may have possibly have

some information
about what happened.

Please, Your Excellency,
no means wait.

I know, why don't
you reload the hookah.

It's right back there.

Hold on, let me see,
can you reach that?

(brakes squealing)

Oh my God, I
think we hit a deer.

- [Florist] Never
go to bed angry.

- This is unbelievable,
you ran over Eliot?

- Well, I didn't
realize it was him

until he told that story.

I mean, the guy I hit was
face-down and twitching.

- And you just left him there?

- I called the police, but the
General insisted we leave.

He was about to
oppress his people

and he wanted our
country's support.

Oh Eliot is gonna hate
me for ruining his life.

Why does every
stupid, horrible thing

have to happen to me?

- This is crazy, I mean,
what are the odds?

- Actually, better
than you think.

I have terrible luck
at that intersection.

- Okay, I can't
believe I'm saying this.

But I think it's a
bad idea to tell Eliot.

- Really?

- Yeah, I mean it makes
you feel better, but not him.

- So you're saying that if I
had wronged you in the past,

I mean, really,
really wronged you,

and possibly changed
your life forever,

that you really would
never want me to tell you.

- Absolutely.

- Oh well, that
solves one problem.

But what about Eliot?

How am I gonna hide
this horrible secret?

- Just try.

But listen, when you
asked how I'd feel...

- Shh, we'll speak
no more of it, sh.

You know, it's ironic.

The very night I destroyed
Eliot's one chance at true love

was the same night
I hit him with a car.

- That's not ironic,
that's what happened.

- So true.

- Eliot, guess who got
Dennis's wedding announcement

into the Post?

Could your old
girlfriend's serious money

have made that happen?

- Jack, I never meant to
imply that you aren't rich.

It's just that Sarah's
family was really rich.

- Are you trying to piss me off?

- No, I just...

- The true worth of a man
isn't money, it's power.

And I used mine
to help a friend.

- Supermodel Adrienne
Barker was recently wed

to Jack Gallo's executive
assistant at Blush Magazine

after a brief courtship.

Blush Magazine was
founded by Gallo in 1967.

Gallo's Blush is
an industry leader.

Are you even in here?

- Skip to the end.

- Gallo says the millennium
looks bright for Blush Magazine.

The groom was Dennis Finch.

- Groom.

- Everybody wins.

- Well, congratulations
to you both.

- Hey Nina, what you doing?

You could've killed someone.

- Nina?

- Nina, what's going on?

- Eliot, there's something
I have to tell you.

- What is it?
- Nina, don't do it.

- You know that story
you told about the night

you went to propose to Sarah?

- Yeah?
- He doesn't need to know.

- Maya was driving the car.

- What?
- No, I wasn't!

- Nina?
- I'm sorry, Maya.

- It was me, I was behind
the wheel of that DeLorean.

- Nina, don't even
joke about that.

- Can you ever forgive me?

- Oh come on, give me
a break, that wasn't you.

- 13th Street and the
West Side Highway.

- Oh my God.

- I am so, so sorry, I,


- You are never
to talk to me again.

- Did you hear, gals...
- Beat it.

- Well, what can I say,
I wanted a supermodel,

so I wentst out
and gotst me one.

Okay, say D. Finch is the man.

Say it.

Say it!

There you go, alright
thanks, Grandma,

I'll talk to you soon.

Hey baby, what's going on?

- Dennis, we have a problem.

- Hi, I'm Agent Bob
Whiteman from Immigration.

I apologize for
the inconvenience,

but my superior happened
to read today's paper

and saw the picture
of the two of you.

Once the laughter subsided,

he thought maybe
we should investigate.

- This isn't fair, my husband
doesn't photograph well.

- Yeah, the camera
only adds 10 pounds.

- Look, it's no big deal.

You'll fill out these
questionnaires so we can confirm

that you really
know each other well,

and I'll be on my way.

- Hey, this is crazy.

How can you even suggest
we don't know each other?

And why the hell is our
marriage any business of INS?

- Because she's Canadian
and her work visa just expired.

- You're Canadian?

- Maybe we should
do this downtown.

- Hey come on, there's
gotta be some way

we can clear this up right here.

- Well, you can start by
telling me her birthday.

- June 10th.
- August 4th.

- I'll get my coat.

- All right, look at this old
picture of me and Sarah.

You see how happy I am?

How hoping, how trusting?

That's the guy I was the
night before Nina hit me.

- You're still that same guy.
- Why haven't I been

in a lasting
relationship in 15 years?

- Maybe you haven't
found the right woman.

- Well, maybe I did,
but I lost my chance.

- Maybe there's more than
one person for you in the world.

- I don't know.
- Oh come on, this cute guy?

- Are you wearing eye shadow?

- I was in a band.

- Eliot, can I talk to you?
- No.

- Please, it'll
only take a minute

and then afterwards, I'll
be out of your life forever.

Except for the 50 hours
a week we work together.

- What is it?

- I am so, so sorry.

Eliot, you're one of my
closest friends for years,

and there is nothing I regret
more than what I did to you.

And that includes
what I did to Maya.

- What did you do to me?

- Wait, wait.

Look, I know there's no way I
can make up for what happened.

But just let me
ask you something.

What if Sarah were in
New York and single?

Would you want to see her again?

- Obviously I would.

- Okay, well,

what if she were in
Jack's office right now?

- Seriously, how much
money are we talking?

One billion, 1.5?

- Sarah?

- Eliot.

It's really you.


(acoustic guitar interlude)

(acoustic guitar music)

- It's just a simple

You should be done by now.

- (clears throat) Albany.

(clears throat) Albany.

(clears throat) I'm
from Albany, New York.

- He's from Albany.
- I know that.

- All right, I've seen enough.

I have no choice but to
recommend a deportation hearing.

- I'm here.

- Called you an hour ago.

- Sorry, I had to stop off at
the bank and count something.

- And who are you?

- Jack Gallo, and these two
are not saying another word

until I get a lawyer down here.

- Gallo, your name was
mentioned several times

in their wedding announcement.

- That's right.

- You're an extremely
wealthy man.

- Thank you, you're very kind.

- I'm guessing you have a
house staff of say, three?

- Four, and a driver.

- And I assume that all
their papers are in order?

- Why you arrogant
little pissant.

Do you have any idea
who you're dealing with?

Do you know what I could
do to you with one phone call?

Mark my words, I will be back.

- How long do
you think he'll be?

- He's not coming back.

- All right, getting
back to the deportation.

- This is stupid.

I mean, is it so hard
for you to believe

that I could love this man?

- Yes, it makes my head hurt.

- But I do love him.

I love how he makes me
laugh when I feel upset or ooky.

I love how caring
and attentive he is,

like how he always watches
me when I fall asleep.

Or when I wake up
or when I shower.

And I love how sensitive he is.

Like how he sometimes
cries when we make love.

Or when he stubs his
toe or when it's too cold.

So the question isn't how
can I love Dennis Finch.

The question is how can I
be so lucky that he loves me.

- Ooh, tonight I'm gonna
climb you like a redwood.

- See how sweet he is?

- Wow, you really do love him.

- I really do.

- And I love her.

- Yeah, yeah, I get that.

- Thing is, if you love him,

then you could
definitely love me.

(Dennis and Adrienne chuckling)

I mean, I love to laugh.

People say I'm kind.

I give a heck of a foot massage.

Okay, I'm not a great catch,

but clearly that's not
what you're looking for.

I swear to God, we
could make it work.

Come on, what do you say?

Why not me?

Why not Agent Bob Whiteman?

- Uh, Bob?

A word please?

- Well, it's no fault of yours,

but it's fair to say I'm
in pretty big trouble.

- Well, I guess we can go.

- Hey, did you really
mean what you said?

- Every word.

- [Bob] No!

- This place is creepy.

- Yeah, let's go
shave your legs.

- I just can't believe
you were coming

to propose to me that night.

- I had the ring in my pocket.

They had to cut
it out of my thigh.

- Oh, you poor thing.

- So, whatever
happened to that guy

you went off and married?

- We had two wonderful years.

He loved to sail, just like me.

And then one summer, we took
the boat down to the Caribbean,

hit some rough
water, and he drowned.

- My God, that's
horrible, I'm so sorry.

- I was devastated.

I still think about
it every day.

- And you've been
alone ever since?

- Oh no, a few years
later I married Eric.

- Oh, that didn't
work out, either?

- Oh no, I loved him deeply.

But on our honeymoon,
we sailed to Bermuda.

And, it's still really hard
to talk about this but,

well, he slipped, hit
his head on the boon,

fell overboard and...
- Drowned?

- I thought I was cursed,
but then I met Gary.

- He didn't drown, too, I hope?

- Oh no, no, no, no.

- (laughing) Of course not.

- No, he accidentally
shot himself in the back

with a spear gun.

I consoled myself with
the fact that he was dead

before he hit the water.

But now you're
here, back in my life.

- Yes, life.

- And I'm not gonna let
you get away this time.

We are gonna take that
voyage around the world

that we always talked
about, just you and me,

and that deep, forgiving sea.

(upbeat music)
(audience laughing)

- Hey, working late?

- No, fell asleep.

So, how did it go with Sarah?

- It didn't.

I've just been walking
around thinking.

- I'm so sorry, Eliot.
- Oh Nina, I'm sorry.

- It's ironic, but
as it turns out,

you running me over
could be the best thing

that ever happened to me.

- Eliot, that isn't ironic,
that's what happened.

- Anyway, I guess I've
been using that accident

as an excuse to, you know,
avoid getting close to someone.

You know what I'm saying?

- Yeah, I think so.

So you coming?

- No, you go on ahead.

I think there's
someone I wanna call.

- Oh, so getting back
on the horse already?

- We'll see, we'll see.
- Okay, well,

I'm off to Mexico, I'll
see you in the morning.

(phone ringing)

- [Maya] Hi, this is
Maya, I'm not here.

You know the drill,
speak quickly but...

- Oh by the way.

(acoustic guitar interlude)

(acoustic guitar music)

Well, I guess
there's no reason why

we can't still go out to dinner.