Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 1 - A Divorce to Remember - full transcript

As Dennis tries to hide his true passions from his new supermodel wife, Maya and Elliott seek to have their accidental marriage annulled.

- [Narrator] Previously
on Just Shoot Me

- Marry me.

- What?

- Every third
Tuesday his holiness

the Revered Singh Chop Chop Cho

holds a mass wedding at
the church of the Rising Star.

- Finch, don't do it.

- Maya, be quiet.

- Ah.

- See now isn't this better
than a silly mass wedding.

- What is that?

- I think we just got married.

- I now pronounce
you husband and wife.

- It's like a dream come true.

Adrienne, nom nom
nom nom, Adrienne.

(audience laughs)

Adri..., Adrienne?

Oh no.

It was all a dream?


(audience laughs)


(audience laughs)

- You don't want corn flakes?

- No corn flakes is good.

(audience laughs)

(rock music)

- Look at this, another
credit card offer

for Mrs. Maya Demoro.

That colt must've sold our
names to a junk mail company.

- So what?

- So what if someone sees
this and thinks we're married?

- Isn't the bigger
question why you

get the Kenny
Loggins newsletter?

(audience laughs)

- Someone gave
it to me as a joke,

ooh, he's gonna
be in West Orange.

Nina would you please
go back to your cult

and tell someone that
Elliot and I are not married?

- First of all, it's a church,
not a cult, so open your mind

and second, as a deserter,
I'd be tied up and caned.

(audience laughs)

- Look, look, obviously we
didn't mean to get married

so it's not legally
binding, doesn't count.

- Except in the eyes of
eight million crazy fanatics.

- Crazy fanatics,
crazy fanatics?

Okay, that's fair.

(audience laughs)

- Wow guess who's back in
an all-new adventure, woo hoo.

- So how was it, how was it?

- Amazing, Tahiti was great.

This guy treated me like a
queen, what an animal in bed.

- Louder.

(audience laughs)

- And we, we brought presents.

Here, it's a Puka
necklace, a symbol of love.

- Oh, how sweet.

- It's a Puke necklace,
a symbol of love.

- Thank you.

- Here, you like books.

(audience laughs)

- How to get over a lost love?

Adrienne I swear to you
I'm not in love with Finch.

- See she won't
even help herself?

Here, it's a...

- Yeah, yeah, symbol of love.

(audience laughs)

- So excited, tell
me everything.

- Wooh, I don't
know where to begin.

- Well I'll be around.

- Hey buddy, you
were in the tabloids.

- Yeah, really?

- Is supermodel Adrienne
Barker more wild than we thought?

The leggy beauty
was spotted frolicking

in the Tahiti surf with a
topless blonde gal pal.

(audience laughs)

- I knew that Speedo
was a mistake.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, look who's back.
- Hey, hey.

- Hello doll.
- Hello, how are you?

- Hey.

- So did you bring
me back a starfish?

- Yeah, and a can of sunshine.

(audience laughs)

You're not kidding?

- Remember I waved
goodbye and I said

"Bring me back a starfish!"

- Yeah, I thought
you were joking.

- Oh well, not to
worry, welcome back.

I could not have
been more clear.

(audience laughs)

- Dennis, are these your dolls?

- What?

First of all, they're not
dolls, they're action figures.

Second of all, who left
these here, come on children.

Hey take these to the
incinerator, or better yet

my cubby in the coatroom,
I'll deal with them later.

(audience laughs)

- Ooh that's my
agent I'll be right back.

- Not mine.

(audience laughs)

- So when are you
gonna come clean to her

about your action
figure collection?

- The day you
officially turn 40.

(audience laughs)

- Seven years is a
long time my friend.

(audience laughs)

- Adrienne has to
keep thinking I'm cool.

That means no more
sci-fi conventions,

no more internet
chess tournaments,

and I can all but forget about

playing the lute at
the Renaissance Faire.

(audience laughs)

- Now dear, you know
that I'm the last one

to give out advice, or take it,

or pay for a round of drinks.

But you can't just
wake up one morning

and decide to be
a different person.

- Oh says the New York socialite
who grew up on a hog farm.

(audience laughs)

- You think I'm a socialite?

(audience laughs)

- You know instead
of throwing these out

why don't we give
'em to needy children.

- Honey, give a kid a
toy, he'll play for a day.

Teach a kid to
fish, and that kid,

just give me those.

(bass riff)

(rock music)


- Hey would you...
(woman mumbles)

What are you writing?

- A letter to the church
of the Rising Star

warning them to stop
telling people I'm your wife.

- Come on you're not serious?

- Imprisoned in an
emotional Gulag?

- Hey, it's a first
draft, now just go.

- No way, no way,
I'm not giving up on us.

(audience laughs)

We're gonna make
this thing work, dammit.

(audience laughs)

- Elliot, you're not funny.

- Oh no, don't tell me
the laughter's gone too.

(audience laughs)

- Look this is
really bothering me.

We went through a
wedding ceremony.

That reverend
proclaimed us married.

- Maya he was wearing genie
pants and curly-toed shoes.

- No you may think
that this is a joke

but I haven't been able to
go out on a date in two weeks.

- Have you been asked?

- Obviously I'm giving
out some sort of vibe.

(audience laughs)


- Finch, who has
the key to petty cash?

- Everyone here but you.

I can't believe how much
mail piled up while I was gone.

- Mmm, anything important?

- Planet of the Apes
convention, old Finch.

(audience laughs)

Ooh appearance at
Macy's by Spiderman.

(groans) Old Finch.

- New York Invitational
Cat Show, Old Finch.

- Woah woah, woah,
woah, it's marked urgent.

(audience laughs)

Oh my God Spartacus
made the finals.

- Who's Spartacus?

- My cat, he's been
accepted to the

top show in the tri-state area.

- Oh it's just a dumb animal,
tell him he didn't make it.

- Woah, woah.

(audience laughs)

Need to fill out
the registration.

- Finch, you can't
go to this thing.

- Why not?

- Well no offense,
but don't you think

cat shows are just a
tad on the geeky side?

(audience laughs)

- Geeky?

Yeah, let me drop a
little history on you.

Egyptian Pharaohs
worshiped cats, they were cool.

Macgyver had cats, he was cool.

And need I remind you of the

longest running
show on Broadway?

- Chippendales?

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, right.

(audience laughs)

Listen, for years I've dreamed

about making the finals, okay?

And I'm gonna get
that trophy this year

with Adrienne right by my side.

- Sweetie I got our
honeymoon pictures back.

Ooh, here's some weird
ones of me sleeping.

(audience laughs)

- Adrienne, honey,
how would you like

to accompany me to
a cat show tomorrow?

- Yeah sure that sounds great.

- Really?

- Well you heard the lady.

(audience laughs)

- It'll be fun to
see you goofing

on all those
pathetic cat freaks.

What lonely planet do
those losers come from?

- Apparently Egypt.

(audience laughs)

(funky rock music)

- Hey, you leavin' early?

- Yeah I'm running to the store.

I'm cooking dinner for someone.

- Like a date?

(audience laughs)

- Right, like a date.

- Oh, that's nice,
I mean, have fun.

I mean, don't do anything I
wouldn't do, ha ha ha ha ha ha.

(audience laughs)

- Okay.

- You're just going
like nothing happened?

- Nothing did happen.

For the last time,
we're not married.

You think I'd go on a date if
I thought I was cheating, no!

Do I look racked with guilt, no!

- Has this ever happened before?

- No.

(audience laughs)

(guitar riff)

(rock music)

- Okay here's
your monthly report

and I updated
your palm pilot and

picked up your dry cleaning.

- I didn't have
any dry cleaning.

- Oh no wonder that Korean
lady fought like a tiger.

(audience laughs)

- Just go, I hope
your cat does the thing

and and and wins the what's its

- Ah thanks Jack I know that
comes from the heart, buddy.

- So what's your alibi in
case Adrienne stops in?

- Alibi?

For your information
I talked to Adrienne

about the cat show
and she's totally into it.

(phone rings)

Finch here, oh hey baby.

Yeah, no I'm
takin' off right now.

Oh no no, you
shouldn't come down.

Ah, because, because when I
play rugby I get violent honey.

All right, okay, love you too.

- Rugby?

- Yeah I think
it's like football.

(audience laughs)

- Hard night?

- Not really.

- Oh morning Elliot,
what you looking for?

- Well uh back issue.

- Which one?

- I had um, health
article I wanted.

- Oh, what health article?

- Nevermind, I found it.

- Oh July, wasn't that the
piece on treating impotence?

Maya didn't you write
this piece on impotence?

(audience laughs)

What's that, line two?

(audience laughs)

- I'm not a machine.

- Well well well.

- It's your fault.

All your stupid obsessing
about being married

planted something in my head.

- Oh sure, blame it on the wife.

- Get your coat, we have
to get a divorce, come on.

- Oh well, that's a fine
attitude coming from the man

that I expect to
father my children.

Although it seems we
might have to adopt.

(audience laughs)

- Look, I was wrong, you
were right, please help me.

- Once more, with feeling, and
your underpants on your head.

- I'm not wearing any.

- Oh gross, you win.

- Knock knock.

- Nina, I need your help.

- I heard, there's no
reason to be embarrassed.

Here, apply this to
Elliot Jr. three times day.

(audience laughs)

- No no, that's not
what I'm talking about.

We need to go back to
the cult and get a divorce.

- I see.

My advice, be very careful.

- What do you mean?

- The Church of the Rising Star

is a dark and powerful religion

with beliefs that stretch
back to the mid '80s.

(audience laughs)

Watch your back,
refuse all refreshments.

And don't say "Hi
Priest" to the high priest.

It's not as funny as you think.

(audience laughs)

(guitar riff)

- Adrienne, what
are you doing here?

- Looking for the
cat show tickets.

- But Dennis is playing rugball.

- I know but I told my
hairdresser about the cat show

and now he wants to go, so.

- He does?

- Well it'll still
be funny, he has

the same wicked sense
of humor as Dennis.

Actually everyone
at the salon does.

- Oh.

- Oh well, we'll get
tickets there, see ya.

- No no no, you can't go.

- Why not?

- Because I'm terribly depressed

and I shouldn't
be alone right now.

- I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Listen, you know, I studied
psychology maybe I can help.

- Or maybe we can
just hit some bars.

- Oh let's see, maybe
you're sad because

your best days are behind you.

- Or maybe... (audience laughs)

You think my best
days are behind me?

- Oh no no no no
no no, no it's just that

your life is more than half over

and I don't know some
women would start to panic.

(audience laughs)

- Maybe you should be
getting to that cat show, huh?

- Nina running away
from your problems

is how you got into this mess.

- Mess? Let me just
tell you something missy,

I am not a mess, I am a legend.

I am Nina Van Horne,
my face has been

on every magazine
from here to Hong Kong.

In 1974 I was model of the year

while you were still
running around in pigtails.

- Actually I wasn't born yet.

(audience laughs)

- Oh god, don't leave me.

(audience laughs)

(guitar riff)

- Looks totally normal.

- Of course it does, that's
how they suck you in.

You say to yourself "Look,
a totally normal office."

Next thing you know
you're assembling

automatic weapons in your sleep.

- What do we do if they ask us

for all our worldly possessions?

- We say no?

- Right, no.

- Hi, sorry to keep you
waiting, I'm Larry Fenwick,

I'm an attorney for the
Church of the Rising Star.

Can I get you
something to drink?

- Oh yeah, I'm so
thirsty, I mean no.

(audience laughs)

- Well please, take a seat.

So I understand
you two participated

in one of our mass weddings
and now you want a divorce.

- See the thing is, and with

all due respect
to your religion.

- Oh it's not my religion,
I'm just a hired gun.

You, you can speak freely.

Keep in mind though, that
the office may be bugged.

- What?

- I'm kidding, I'm using
humor to put you at your ease.

- So um, can we do it,
you know, get a divorce?

- Well that depends, have you
brought the gods a sacrifice?

Once again, I'm
lightening the mood.

(audience laughs)

But to answer
your question, yes,

getting a divorce is
actually a very simple matter.

- Oh, so great, can
we take care of it now?

- Absolutely.

Now I don't want you folks
to be uncomfortable but

the church is big on ceremony
so I'm gonna have to ask you

to put on the turbans
of eternal light.


- You almost got us again.

- I'm so sorry.

(rock music)


(audience laughs)


(audience laughs)

- That's us, don't be nervous,
just have fun out there.

That goes for you too Spartacus.

(whimsical orchestral music)

(audience laughs)

- Hey, just a little longer,
and again my apologies.

(audience laughs)

Time, time's up.

You two are very limber and
may I say as a personal note,

you sing beautifully.

- Um, are we almost done?

- Yes, all you have
to do is sign this form

and we are finito.

You might wanna keep these
pens, they're tracking devices.

Ha ha ha, it's a joke,
but they do make those.

(audience laughs)

- Um what sort of form.

- Nothing complicated,
just says you want a divorce

and that the two
of you didn't have

physical relations as a
result of the marriage.

(audience laughs)

Well, congratulations,
you are divorced.

- Hoo, what a relief.

- Yeah, free at last.

- Yes, we'll send the
bill to that address

you wrote on the sacred scroll.

Hi folks, come on in.

Ooh, I almost forgot,
it also says that

you will not have
physical relations

with each other in the future.

- Huh, huh, that guy
and his nutty jokes.

It was a joke right?

- Of course, should we ask?

- Well, not that it
matters to me anyway.

- What, what do you
think it matters to me?

Besides, it was clearly a joke.

- Hey, I'm the one
who said it was nutty.

- You know I don't
mean to be rude,

but I am trying to
perform an exorcism.

(audience laughs)

- It was a joke.

(bass riff)


- Dennis.


So, how was rugby.

- Oh, wooh, very
rough, very manly today.

Scored three tabernacles
and a walkabout.

Yeah, now honey, those are
good, they're like touchdowns.

- Dennis you lied to me, I
know you went to the cat show.

First I get stuck
with your friend Nina,

who broke down, smeared
lipstick all over her face

and started screaming
"I'm still pretty."

(audience laughs)

- Hey if you wanna
swap Nina stories.

- No I don't, then finally,
when I finally get home

I turn on the news
and what do I see?

A little upbeat story on
you winning the cat show.

- You didn't by
any chance tape it?

- How could you
lie to me Dennis?

- Didn't they teach
you the honor system

during your four
years at Oxford?

(audience laughs)

- You know what, I was
just about to make up

some big crazy
story but it's simpler

just to tell you the truth.

The truth about a promise
made to a dying captain

in the Persian gulf.

- What, who?

- My CO, Captain Pickardemonger.

(audience laughs)

My last week there
we were stationed

outside of KC, Kuwait City.

(audience laughs)

Cleanin' our
guns, just blabbin',

lookin' forward to goin' home.

Suddenly out of nowhere
AK 47s, rat a tat, tat a tat tat.

(audience laughs)

- What the hell are
you talking about?

- Give me a minute,
this is hard for me.

Okay, um, as my
captain was screaming

and collapsing into my arms,
dammit if I was there two sec...

(audience laughs)

His dying wish
was that I continue

to show his cat in cat shows.

And that I never
tell anybody about it.

- Dennis, this all
sounds a little crazy.

- You know what's
crazy Adrienne, war?

(audience laughs)

- I don't know, it just
seems way too convenient.

- So you still think I'm lying?

Well let me tell you something
Adrienne Louise Barker.

If you think I'm so low,
so disgusting, look at me,

that I would lie to my own wife

then I guess this
marriage is over,

and I'll walk out
of here forever.

- Dennis wait.

Dennis I'm sorry.

If you say you made
a promise to a friend,

then, then that's
good enough for me.

- He may also have
asked me to keep an eye

on his vintage porno collection.

(audience laughs)

(funky rock music)