Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 3 - Blackmail Photographer - full transcript

(upbeat guitar music)

(speaking in foreign language)

- I can't believe you're
going to Italy and I'm not.

It's not fair.
- Nina.

- Oh, obviously
I'm being punished

for that silly
incident in China.

You gave the Minister
of Culture your room key.

- Well, can I
help it if the entire

country dresses like bellhops?

(audience laughs)

- Finch.

(phone rings)


Yeah, this is Elliot.

Oh, hello, Maura.

Lunch, huh?

Hold on one second, I'll
have to check my schedule.


He caught me.
- Who?

- This wanna be
photographer who's always

trying to show me
his terrible photos.

Now I have to come
up with another excuse.

- Well, you can
come to a luncheon

with me at the planetarium.

All the speakers are from NASA.

- Great, great, thank you
for making this easy for me.

Maura, yeah, see you at one.

- What, it's not gonna be geeky.

It's the 30th anniversary
of the moon landing.

Real astronauts
are going to be there

and engineers and
key ground personnel.

Have a nice lunch.

(audience laughs)

I guess I'm the
only one that thinks

the moon landing was a big deal.

- Oh, I'm quite sure of it.

(audience laughs)

- I know it's silly, but I
remember when I was a little girl

wishing that I could've been
the first person on the moon.

- You still can be.
- Excuse me?

- Well, you know, with the moon

landing being a hoax and all.

Speaking of hoaxes, can you
believe Ultrasuede is back?

- Wait, wait, hold it, a hoax?

Oh, please tell me you're
not one of those people

who thinks the moon
landing never happened.

- Oh no, it happened.
- Thank you.

- In front of the film crew
in the Mojave Desert.

- Oh, but Nina, come on,
you can't seriously believe.

No, no, this is ridiculous.

The moon landing
happened, and I've got

better things to
do with my time.

- Like write a letter to Santa.

Good one, Nina.

(audience laughs)

You're late.
- Well, it's not my fault.

Adrienne's going out of town
on a job for a couple of days,

and she got all emotional and I

had to do a little hand holding.

You're back.

Don't ever leave
again, ever, ever.

Don't leave me.
- No,

I haven't left yet, honey.

I just came back because somehow

I got your passport by mistake.

- Oh.

Well, I must have yours then.

- Here it is.

- (laughs) There
it is, isn't that cute?

- Thank God I checked
before I went to the airport.

I might've missed my flight.

- Ah, I never thought of that.


- Wait a minute,
this is still yours.

- I did it again.

That's cute, too, isn't it?

A little bit?

Don't go.

- Will you feel better if I
give you a great big kiss?

- Maybe.

- Honey, I gotta go.

- OK.

(audience laughs)


Can't live with them, you can't.

She left me.

I don't like it.

- Dennis, where's my bagel?

Oh my God, did
something happen to it?

- No.

Right here, boss.

- Wait a minute, you didn't
scrape off half the poppy seeds.

- Oh, right, sorry, I forgot.

- You forgot?

But you know I
love that great poppy

seed taste without the guilt.

(audience laughs)

- Easy, Jack, his
wife is out of town.

I'm here for you, buddy.

- Oh, first time apart, huh?

My first wife used
to travel a lot,

so to beat the blues,
I'd take a boys night out.

It's how I met my second wife.

- I don't want a second wife.

- Then stay away from
a bar called PJ McSuds.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, why don't you
and I hang out tonight?

We'll go catch a Rangers game.

- Yeah, I don't know.

Adrienne's ex-boyfriend
plays for the Rangers.

I don't know if I could sit
there and watch that guy

knowing he tried to put
his hands on my wife.

- Tried, dude, they lived
together for two years.

- That's all he did!

- Of course.

- Look, that guy's
ancient history.

Who's the man now?

- I am.
- Ah, who's the man?

- I'm the man.
- That's the stuff.

Now I want you to pick up
that phone, call Adrienne's

hotel and have them
fill her room with flowers.

Remind her the
kind of man that's

waiting for her
when she gets home.

Whoa, scrape my bagel first.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat guitar music)

- I really appreciate you taking

a look at my new
stuff, Mr. DiMauro.

Your opinion means
everything to me.

So what do you think?

Have I improved?

- Well, several of these
are actually in focus.

- Yes!

♪ People notice when you care

♪ Uh huh, uh huh I owe you, man.

If it wasn't for you, I
never would've turned pro.

- Pro?

What, you make money off these?

- Oh, no, these are just to
showcase my artist abilities.

These are what I get paid for.

Freelance stuff.

- Wait, that's
Congressman Maxwell,

and who's that naked woman?

- I'm not sure, but I
don't think it was his wife

because he got real mad
when I showed him the photo.

And then shazam,
he bought me a BMW.

(audience laughs)

- That's blackmail.

- God, you and my mom.

So are you ready to take a
chance on a fresh young upstart?

- No.

No way, no how.

Even if you were one of the
most talented photographers in

the world, which you clearly
aren't, I wouldn't hire you.

- So you're saying I
need more experience?

The old catch-22 thing.

- No, I'm saying
that I don't have

an opening for a blackmailer.

- Oh, I think you do.

(audience laughs)

- Welcome aboard.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat guitar music)

- OK, crisis time.

Put aside whatever
you're working on.

I need everybody's
undivided attention.

OK, here's the deal.

(alarm beeps)

- Sorry, Jack, this'll
just take a second.

I love you, baby.

- Dennis, what are you doing?

- My wife and I agreed
that while she was gone

we'd send each other
love vibes every day at 2:15.

- 2:15 your time or her time?

- Whatever, it's
just a silly little.

I gotta make a call.

- OK, bad news.

The Donna Karan
interview just fell through.

There's no time to explain
why, but for future reference,

her rear end, not
to be joked about.

So if anyone here has any ideas,

now is the time to be a hero.

- Well, there's always
the old standby,

fashions for female executives.

- Hot damn, you've saved us.

Nina, can you
coordinate this with Maya?

- Of course, now these
are working women,

so we'll want to shoot
them on location.

So Maya, what do you think?

Madison Avenue,
Wall Street, the moon?

(audience laughs)

- You know, if you think
you're gonna draw me into

your crazy moon
theory, you are so wrong

because the moon landing
happened and everyone knows it.

- Let's just say you two
have a difference of opinion.

- A difference of opinion?

This is not some
trivial thing like

which is better, cats or dogs?

- Right, because we all know
cats are better, right, gang?

Cats rule, dogs
can burn in hell.

- How do you explain
the photographs

of the astronauts on the moon?

- Astronauts or actornauts?

(audience laughs)

- Pretty convincing
stuff, now...

- But this is so nuts.

I mean, you don't have
one shred of evidence.

- Oh, don't I, well, what about

the dark glass on their helmets.

- That's to protect
them from the sun.

- Or is it so that you can't
see that they're giggling?

- Giggling?
- Stop it!

Look, no offense to anyone here,

but only a fool takes
up a fool's argument.

- There I'm sorry you had
to hear that from your father.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat guitar music)

- Hey, Mr. D.

I just want to say thank you for

hiring me as your assistant.

It's like a dream come true.

I'm walking on air.

- You blackmailed me.

- Can we not use that word?

It's kind of
negative, like I didn't

get the job on my own merit.

Hey, Nina.

Working hard or hardly working?

- (laughs) Oh, Maury, you're
like a breath of fresh air.


Fire him.

- I can't fire him.

- Why not?

- He's very talented.
- What?

I've seen his portfolio.

His pictures are dreadful.

- I know, I know, he
has a certain something.

- What?

- A photo of me having
sex with Finch's wife.

- You're joking, right?

Oh my God.
- Look, look,

it was way before
Finch even met her.

We were on a shoot in Jamaica.

It was purely physical.

- I'll say.

I've never seen a woman
so happy with just one man.

- Thank you.

- Finch must never see this.

It would kill him.

- [Elliot] Oh, what
am I gonna do?

- OK, I think I just
might have a solution.

- Really?

(audience laughs)

It's a copy, Nina.

Maury's got the negative.

- Whoa, this guy is good.

(audience laughs)

(easygoing guitar music)

(upbeat guitar music)

- OK, baby.

Get pouty.

Get pouty.

Get pouty.

Woo, too pouty.

Too pouty.

Fun pouty.

Lovely pouty.

Fun pouty.

Wah, pouty.

- I thought I told
you to sweep up.

- Oh, no offense, I just
thought it'd be much

more helpful if I shot
next month's cover.

And pelvis.

Go pelvis.

Push pelvis.

Your pelvis.

- All right, let me explain
some things to you, OK?

This is my equipment
and my studio,

and I'm the only one
who takes pictures in here.

And by the way,
nobody says go pelvis.

You're not taking
pictures in here.

Not now, not ever!

- May I speak frankly?

I respond much better
to positive reinforcement.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, Elliot,
Jack wants you to.

Oh, a model in her underpants.

- Finch, not a good time.

- Hey, Mr. Finch.

Elliot's letting me
shoot the cover shot.

- No, I'm not.

- You're the boss.

So you want to see the
photo that won me the job?

- You know what?

You don't scare me.

Let's end this right now.

Listen, Finch.


- Nothing.

- [Elliot] Pardon?

- I'm staring at a beautiful
woman, yet I feel nothing.

I must love Adrienne
even more than I thought.

Can you turn around?

Not even a tingle.

This is the real stuff, Elliot.

My marriage is clean and
pure, and no one can touch it.

One more spin.


I'm gonna go call her.

(audience laughs)

- So if you don't
mind, it's a closed set.

(audience laughs)

- Nina, we have to make some
decisions about that artwork.

- Oh, good because
I have some ideas.


I'm thinking we start with
tailored skirts, then move...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, have a seat.

- Oh, but Jack is
in a completely...

- Sit.

Now as you see, I've listed
the many groups of people

involved in the moon landing,
all of whom would have

to be in on your
so-called conspiracy.

- Maya, I'm going to
say something to you

that I've never said to
another human being.

Maybe we should
get back to work.

- Nina, think about it.

NASA employees, government
officials, Walter Cronkite.

Why would they all lie?

- Follow the money.

- What the hell does that mean?

- It means what NASA
spent on your so-called

Apollo missions is
exactly what Nixon spent

on his covert
bombing of Cambodia.

- Cambodia?

- It's a foreign country, dear,

like France, or
any of them really.

- But Nina, if we really
didn't go to the moon...

- The moon, the moon, the moon.

Please, half the time you
can't even see the damn thing.

(audience laughs)

(easygoing guitar music)

- Looks like rain today.

(audience laughs)

- Yes.

It's been a wet month.

- Jack.
- Hey, you all packed

for your trip to Italy?
- Stay still.

- I bet you're excited.
- Yeah, yeah.

Actually, there was something
else I wanted to talk to you

about, but you look like
you're busy, so I'll come back.

- Come on in.

So what's on your mind?

- Actually, it's
kind of personal.

- Dennis, you want to take five?

- No problem.

If his neck keeps
bleeding, use a towel.

(audience laughs)

- So what's up?
- OK, let's say,

hypothetically, a guy
sleeps with a friend's wife

before they were married,
before they even met.

- You son of a bitch.

I knew I couldn't trust you.

- No, no, it's not Allie.

- Well, hey, you're
not made of stone.

(audience laughs)

- It's Finch's wife.

- What?
- You see, that guy

I just hired, Maury?

- Yeah, I wanted to
talk to you about him.

He's not so good.

- I know, but he has this
photo of me and Adrienne.

- He's blackmailing you?

Don't worry, I know how to
deal with dirtbags like him.

Dennis, send that
new guy in here.

- You, go finish
packing for Italy.

- Thanks, Jack.

I knew I could count on you.

Thank you.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, Mr. D.
- Bite me, Maury.

- (laughs) He is such a
character and a terrific boss.

- Cut the crap, Sparky.

Your little game is over.

- Have I done something wrong?

- Yeah, you did something wrong.

You messed with my people.

You mess with my
people, you mess with me.

This ain't little
league my friend.

You're playing Galloball now.

(audience laughs)

- Galloball?

Apparently a sport you
don't need a uniform for.

(audience laughs)

- Elliot, give Maury a chance.

Dennis, give Maury my
ATM card and a haircut.

(upbeat guitar music)

- I'm kissing you.

I'm kissing you.

Oh, I'm kissing you.

(audience laughs)

You getting an earful
there, Uncle Pervy?

(audience laughs)

- I'm Colonel Alan Drake.

- Maya, that astronaut
dude's here for you.

- Colonel Drake.

Such an honor.
- Thank you.

At NASA, we had
monkeys doing your job.

(audience laughs)

- Thank you so much for
taking the time to stop by.

- It's my pleasure.

These nuts who don't
believe in the moon

landing really
make my blood boil.

- Well, you just wait here.

I'll go get Nina.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

- [Maury] Wow, so
you're an astronaut.

- That's right.

- I love to play Space Invaders.

- OK.

(audience laughs)

- Any chance for
an autograph photo?

- Sure.

It's good to see
they have some fine,

upstanding young
men working here.

Not like that $3 bill
behind the counter.

- Who's your buzzy bee?

- Nina, I have someone
I want you to meet.

This is Colonel Alan Drake.

He's an astronaut.

He walked on the moon.

- Oh, is that so?

- You're damn right it is.

And for your to claim
the moon landing never

happened is an insult
to me and my crew.

We trained, sweated,
and sacrificed

to fulfill the
dream of a nation.

We were there on the moon,

and shame on you
for saying otherwise.

- Well, I don't
know what to say.

- You could start by
saying you were wrong.

- I'm sorry.

- Yes, finally, reason prevails.

Thank you again, sir.

I think you've put
this matter to rest.

- I hope so.

Crackpot theories
like yours divert us from

the real problems
facing society.

- Oh, I couldn't agree more.

Like world hunger.

- Global warming.
- Human rights violations.

- Super intelligent
talking mice!

- Yes!

(audience laughs)


- The super
intelligent talking mice

big corporations are breeding.

They crawl into our
beds and whisper

what products we should buy.

- Yes, yes, yes, that explains
my dalmatian seat covers.

- Oh, no, Nina, talking mice.

I mean, even you couldn't
possibly believe for a minute.

Ah, screw it.

- So are you seeing anyone?

- Not when I take my pills.

(audience laughs)

- [Elliot] Hey, where are you
going with my equipment?

- Oh, I forgot to ask you.

Can I got to Italy
instead of you?

- [Elliot] No, you may not.

- Come on, Mr. D.

It'll be such a great
experience for me.

I'll work real hard,
and I have this

photo of you and Finch's wife.

And I've already
learned some Italian.

(speaking in foreign language)

- You're fired.

- Elliot.

May I call you Elliot?

I'm the last person to
throw around advice,

but maybe you should
start thinking about Finch.

I mean, it's gonna
break his heart

when I show him this photo.

Hey, Finch.

- What's this?
- A little going away present.

Elliot just fired me.

- Dude, you fired him?

That's a little harsh.

- He blackmailed
me to get the job.

- Oh, well, see, I
didn't know that part.

(audience laughs)

What the hell?

- I gotta hand it to you, Mr. D.

You're a gutsy guy.

Well, I gotta see a
man about a horse.

(audience laughs)

- Look, buddy, it was
one night of passion.

It happened, and it's over.

I hope to God that it doesn't
change our friendship.

But if you never
look at me the same,

I guess I'll understand.

(whistles lightly)

- You slept with Colonel Drake?

(audience laughs)

- Yes, yes, I did.

(audience laughs)

To my number one space invader?

(audience laughs)

- That's right.

(audience laughs)

- I'm gonna need a
little time with this.

- So am I.

(audience laughs)

(easygoing guitar music)

(easygoing guitar music)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Yeah (laughs)