Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 13 - Dial 'N' for Murder - full transcript

Nina's former agent whom she cast aside when she made it big calls her and she makes an unusual request. When Nina has to do something she passes her to Finch who hits it off with her. Maya thinks her new boyfriend has unusual fetish.

(rock guitar music)

- Oh, Maya, your
boyfriend's on his way up.

- Ha-ha, boyfriend.

- Come on, he's
not my boyfriend.

Although we are
getting along really well.

You know what I
like about him best?

The way that he's treating
this relationship like...

- Ooh, all hail her royal hinny.

- Where has she been hiding?

- Accounts layable.

- More like human resources.

- (laughs) what?

- Hey, I'm trying, man.

- You guys, that is so rude.

I was talking to you.

- Come on.

When nature creates
a perfect female body,

men have to check it out.

It's in our genetic coding.

- Mm, our DNA likes the T and A.

(audience laughs)

- (laughs) oh, that is
such a load of crap.

- Hey Maya, guys.

- Hi.

- Oh, my gosh.

- You were saying, Maya?

- You know, I can't
believe that we live

in a society where
women feel they have

to make themselves
that thin to be beautiful.

- You were saying, boys?

Would you like to
go have some lunch?

- Sure.

Maybe we should
bring her a sandwich.

- Yeah, a tongue sandwich.

- More like a pastrami sandwich.

Come on, that was funny.

You know it.

♪ Oh, Nina Van
Horn, and I don't care

- Hey, you got a phone message.

- Oh, who is it from?

- Catherine Duchamp.


Take it easy.

Who's Catherine Duchamp?


- Catherine?

She was Nina's
first modeling agent.

- Oh.

- Are there any donuts here?

- Let me guess.

She discovered you,
taught you everything.

Then you hit it big
and dumped her cold.

- Who told you that?

- You, at your 10th
annual 39th birthday party.

- I think the donuts
are behind you.

- All right, well, you know,
my conscience is clear.

I mean, sure, Catherine, oh,
she housed me, and fed me,

and clothed me and believed
in me when no one else would

but the new agent
promised me a pink car

with an eight-track.

- Okay, calm down.

Why did she call?

- She said she wants to see me.

- Well, maybe she
wants to make up.

Maybe she even misses you.

- Oh, Jack, do you think so?

- I do.

Go, call her, now, before
you lose your nerve.

- Okay, I will.

- Do you really believe that?

- Hey, whatever gets
me to one of these.

- Mm, mm.

I can't remember
the last time I had pie.

- Try the mousse.

- Oh, no, no, I can't.

I'll get fat.

- According to Home,

that magazine you work for

and their impossible
standards of beauty?

- You know, you're right.

Why should I just...

- There you go.

- I have to say,
that's good mousse.

- Oh, my gosh.

- What?

- My ex-girlfriend
is sitting at the bar,

and I haven't seen
her since we split.

- Oh.

The one in the blue dress?

- That's her.

- Oh.

That's funny.

I didn't really think
of her as your type.

- Oh, well, she's not,
now that I've met you.

- So, what you're
saying is, she's not...

(upbeat music)

- Thank you.

- Nina.

- Hello, Catherine.

Here, this is for you.

- Thank you.

- It's wine.

- Is that what they told you?

(audience laughs)

- So?

- Drink?

- Probably more than I should.

Oh, I see.

Thank you, thank you.

- Let me look at you.

My little girl from Kansas.

First a runway model,
then a cover girl,

and now a big-time
fashion editor.

I'm so proud of you.

- Really?

You're proud of me?

- How could I not be?

- Oh, Catherine.

Oh, that makes me so happy.

And I just want you to know

that I could never have
done it without you.

- You're damn right,
you ungrateful bitch.

- What?

- You owe me.

I taught you to walk, and talk,
and make love to the camera,

and then you stabbed
me in the back.

- Well, Catherine, I don't
really think that's exactly...

- And after I paid to have
your extra toe removed.

- It was a wart.

- It had a nail.

- Oh, it's true.

It's all true.

- Take back her drink.

She's not worthy.


- Oh, it's true.

I'm not, I'm not worthy.

Please forgive me.

- There can be no forgiveness.

- Come on, I'm begging you.

I'll do anything.

- Anything?

- Anything.

Then kill me.

- Done.


- You heard me.

I want you to kill me.

My liver's bad, my heart's bad.

I want to die while I
still have some dignity

before I wind up
in a nursing home,

wearing plaid, for God's sake.

- Look, look, you
don't want to die.

I flat lined once
for eight minutes.

It was no picnic.

There's no white light.

It's just dark and hot,

and there's the faint murmur
of people talking backwards.

- I'll roll the dice.

- Look, why do you need me?

- Well, I suppose I
could take some pills,

but it's so mundane.

I want my death
to be spectacular.

Something that would put
me back on the front page.

- Catherine, you have
so much to live for.

Your friends, your career.

Children, pets.

Oh, why can't he kill you?

- Dr. Fong?

I wouldn't give
him the satisfaction.

- All right, well, I'm sorry.

I will not do it.

I won't do it.

I mean, you can't just suck
me in to your sick, little plan.

I don't owe you that much.

- That's so typical of you.

When I don't want you to
stab me in the back, you do

and when I want
you to, you won't.

All right, go ahead.

Walk away, you eleven
toed piece of carny trash.

- You hateful, old witch.

I'll kill you.

- Wonderful!

Dr. Fong, two for dinner.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Please Dr. Klein, she
needs a psychiatrist.

Just meet us for lunch.

Look, I'll pay for the session.

Just bill me, I'm good for it.

Why are you laughing?

Okay, okay, just be that way

but let me just tell you
something, Dr. Klein.

You are a terrible shrink

and a lousy lover.

- Hey Finch, is my Dad in?

- Yeah, so I guess
things are getting serious

with you and Brad.

- Why?

- Because he just sent you
this romantic wheel of cheese.

(audience laughs)


- Hey Dad.

Can I talk to you for a second?

- Sure, sweetie.


- No, thanks.

I know that this is
going to sound crazy

but I think my boyfriend
is trying to make me fat.

- Maya, that does
sound a little crazy.

Don't get me wrong.

I know people are in
to all kinds of things.

Men who worship feet, women
who enjoy a little spanking.

The powerful executive
who occasionally likes

to camp it up at club
shows as Carol Channing.

(audience laughs)

- That's a weird one.

- Weird maybe but still
no reason to be hassled

in the parking lot.

(audience laughs)

My point is if he
wants a fat woman,

why doesn't he just
go out and get one?

The town is full of them.

And it's not like
they're fleet of foot.

- Well, maybe you're right.


- What was that?

- The button on my pants.

(audience laughs)

- Holy God, it's
embedded in the wood.

(audience laughs)

- And while you're
small talking the guard,

I'm climbing up through
the arm and into the torch

and that's when
you cue the music.

- Uh-huh.

- You hate it.

- I like parts of it.

- That's the fourth
idea you've shot down.

Are you gonna
dump on everything?

Oh, I'm going to get
Dr. Fong to kill me.

I mean, he already
has buyers lined up

for most of my organs.

- No, no, no, no.

Please don't leave yet.

- I'll see you on
the other side.

- No, wait, wait, wait.

I have a great way to kill you.

- I'm listening.

- I'll give you a hint.

It involves

a beehive and a trampoline.

- Intriguing.

- Hey, there you are.

Jack's looking for ya.

Pronto, get in there.

- Oh, okay.

You just hang on for one second.

I need you to stay with these
woman for a few minutes.

Oh, come on
please, it's important.

- How important?

- Well, I won't tell
Jack that it was you

in the parking lot
throwing beer bottles

at Miss Carol Channing.

(audience laughs)

- Alright, I'll give
you a half hour.

- I'll be right back.

Dennis will stay with you.

- Well, hurry.

Are you going to sit down?

Or shall I ask the
waitress for a booster seat?

(audience laughs)

- It's funny.

Did you make that
same joke to Napoleon?

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)


American, shorthair,
and Persian.

That's it, 36 breeds of cats.

- Not quite, Canadian hairless.

- (groans) Damn.

- Magnificent creatures.

I had one that took second
in the 82 feline invitational.

- Wait, you owned Charlemagne?

- No, I learned long ago that
no one could own Charlemagne.

He belonged to the world.

- Yeah.

- Thank God you're still here

and so is my drink.

- Well, I'm going to take off.

Hey, you wanna take a stroll?

I'm gonna grab a hot pretzel

and I usually can't
finish one by myself.

- Why not.

Oh, Nina and I were in
the middle of something.

- Oh, no, no, no problem.

You two go, have fun.

Stay out of traffic.

- So, shall we grab a cab

or is there run for
me on your tricycle?

- (sarcastically
laughs) You just told

that joke two
minutes ago, space.

- I did?

- Gotcha!


(cheerful music)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- You know, it's
none of my business

but I think they
mate from the front.

(audience laughs)

- It's a he and his
name is Mr. Elegance.

Catherine won him
for me at a street fair.

I didn't have the
heart to tell her,

I already have one.

- So, you and Catherine
are actually hitting it off?

- Yeah, you know, I
thought the age thing

was weird at first but
she's already really fun.

And she's so alive.

- Oh, for God's sakes,
keep her that way.

- What?

- I mean, just help her
hang on to that feeling.

- And I can really
talk to her, you know?

She reminds me a
lot of my Grandma.

- Poor naive, Finch.

- What's that suppose to mean?

- It means you escort
her around town.

She gets you little presents.

Soon or later, she's gonna
want you to, you know,

reopen the archives.

- What?

- Dust off the antiques.

Pay a visit to the old country.

- Shut up, she's a sweet lady.

It's not like that.

- You're damn right it's not
and if it is, who's it hurting?

- I'm saying it's not like that.

- I believe you but if
you were doing her...

- I'm not.

- Understood but
if you were lying...

- What's going on?

- Finch has a 70
year old girlfriend.

- She's not my girlfriend.

- Good God.

Men chasing fatties,
Dennis dating the elderly.

Has my life's work
been for nothing?

(audience laughs)

- Will everyone
please cut it out?

- Yeah, hear hear.

I think whatever Dennis
did or did not do is wonderful

and I for one just
wanna say thank you.

- For what?

- For making an old
woman very happy.

- Why, have you been depressed?

(audience laughs)

- She is now.

(upbeat music)

(telephone rings)

- Nina Van Horn.

- It's Catherine.

I'm so glad I caught you.

I wanted to thank you for
introducing me to Dennis.

He's just want I needed.

- You're welcome.

I'm so glad it's working out.

- And Nina, I never thought
I'd hear myself saying this

but all is forgiven.

- Really?

You don't know what
this means to me.

It's like the weight
of a giant book

has taken off my head.

- With my heart
condition, one night of sex

with your little friend
should do me in.

(audience laughs)

- What?

- Think of the headlines?

Fashion legend dies in
arms of teenage gigolo.

(audience laughs)

- I'm sorry, we must
have a bad connection.

It sounds like your
plan is to have sex

with Finch until you die.

(dial tone)



- May I have another cookie?

- How about a power bar?

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Hi sweetie.

- What's in the bag?

Tacos, deviled eggs?

- No, it's a book of poetry.

Walt Whitman, you
said you liked him.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you so much.

- I hope you like it 'cause
it's one of the books I...

(audience laughs)

- Okay, we have to talk.

Are you fattening me up?

- What?

- Be honest with me.

Are trying to make me fat?

- (nervous laugh) Okay, yeah.

(audience laughs)

- This is sick.

- Maya, Maya, I like you.

I like you a lot.

Who you are inside,

just physically I'm
not attracted to you.

Yet, yet!

- So, you're treating
me like veal?

I mean, you make these speeches

about looking past appearances

but you're just as bad as
guys who worship thin women.

- I can't help it.

You are a hundred pounds away

from being a
really smokin' babe.

- Get out.

- No, think it through,
think it through, huh?

No more dieting, no
more going to the gym.

You can eat whatever you
want, whenever you want

and I will only love you more.

- No, no, no.

- Okay, 50 pounds and I'll
spring for the elastic pants.

(upbeat music)

- Bishop takes
rook and checkmate.


- Damn, how did I miss that?

♪ Break it down, you're a clown

♪ I'm the king of chesstown

- Such a gracious winner.

How about a drink?

- Woo, yeah, loser pours.

- Your usual Sea Breeze
or perhaps a Brandy?

- Breeze, please.

You know why you lost?

Here's what going on.

You bring your
bishops out too early.

You gotta watch what I do.

Hey, why did you
turn the lights down?

- Oh, I wanted to rest my eyes

after staring at the
board for so long.

- Oh, okay.

(romantic music)

- I became a woman to this song.

(audience laughs)

- Oh God.

On second thought,
I'll take that Brandy.

- Glad to you see
expanding your horizons.

Here's to trying something new.

- Yes.

(nervous laugh)

I'm a little nervous here.

Can we take it kinda slow?

Oh Momma, you are so fine.

(audience laughs)

- Before we begin, there's
a red dress in my closet.

After we're finished,
will you put it on me?

- Yes, sure whatever.

- And if you don't mind,

could you brush my hair

and see to it that
my eyes are shut.

- Alright baby,
now you're starting

to sound a little freaky.

But me likey the freaky.

- All right boy,
send me to heaven.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Catherine?

Oh no, I'm too late.


- She's an animal.

I tried to keep up
but she knows tricks.

I have asthma.

I don't wanna go, I wanna stay.

I wanna stay, no.

- Oh my God, what
did you do to him?

- I tried a little move that
Peter Lawford use to enjoy

but the kid had
some sort of seizure.

- Oh, I can't believe you.

Involving me in your sick
little scheme is one thing

but dragging Dennis into it?

- No one speaks me in that tone.

- Well I am.

I was right to get rid of you.

You are a selfish
horrible person

and you always have been.

You wanna kill yourself?

Well, good riddance because
you are going to die alone.

- No, I want more.

(audience laughs)

- Mmm.

Wow, that is incredible.

Oh my.

Alright, wait a
second, wait a second.

Are you trying to get me fat?

- What could I say?

I like big chicks.