Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 12 - When Nina Met Elliott's Mother - full transcript

(theme music)

- Hi Nina.

- Morning Steve.

(audience laughing)

Oh my god, I'm at work.

(electric motor running)

- What do you think?

It's for Hanna's third birthday.

It goes 20 miles an hour,

and shoots hard rubber pellets.

(audience laughing)



I also got her a death buggy

with a rocket launcher.

(audience laughing)

- Dad, you know you
can't give these to Hanna.

They're too dangerous.

- Are you suggesting I
bought these for myself?

- Not at all.

- Well fine, then
I'm keeping them.

(audience laughing)

Because Maya is always right.

(audience laughing)

- Oh Elliot, Elliot...

What time are we leaving
for your mom's house?

- Right after lunch.



- Hey what's going on?

- Well, Elliot's driving
me to New Jersey

to speak to his niece's
nature scout troop about...

Oh, what is it again?

Hate crimes?

- Fashion, Nina.

(audience laughing)

You'll be talking about
careers in fashion.

And I'll be hanging
out with my folks.

Check out what I got my mom.

- Awe.

- It's a commemorative
plate of San Francisco.

It's our tradition, you know.

No matter where
I go in the world,

I always bring her back a plate,

to show her that I
was thinking of her.

You know, unless I forgot,

in which case, you know, you
can buy them in the subway.

(audience laughing)

- Meow, meow, meow.

Look everybody, it's Spartacus.

Come say hello.

- Are you gonna, um...

Let him out of his cage?

- No he's resting.

(audience laughing)

Spartacus just had his first
commercial audition today.

(whispers) Did not get it.

We should hear
in a couple weeks.

(whispers) Tell him
he looks thinner.

(audience laughing)

- Awe, crap.

- Look Spartacus,
it's uncle Jack.

He got a new bell, check it out.

- There, there.

Warm and safe.

(cat growling and hissing)

(audience laughing)

- Relax, he's just playing.

Aren't you Sparty-warty-warty.

(cat growling)

Ah!

You son of a bitch!

(audience laughing)

That was my fault.

I rushed the cage.

Hehe... Ow.

(funky music)

- Hey dad, I've got... Ow!

(audience laughing)

- Oh sorry, sweetie.

- You could've put my eye out.

- Wow, from 12 feet!

I mean, I really
should be more careful.

- If you guys don't mind,

I'm gonna let Spartacus
run around in here,

while I pick up
your dry cleaning.

- Is this really necessary?

- Oh, yes.

If I don't let him
stretch his legs,

he will be impossible
at bath time.

- [Jack] But Dennis...

- There's your uncle Jack.

He loves you.

(cat growling)

Oh shush.

Have fun.

(door closing)

- He's staring at you.

- I see that.

- Maybe we can just
work in the bullpen.

- Please, I'm not going to be
chased out of my own office

by some fuzzy little...
- Here he comes!

- Oh boy.

(audience laughing)

- Why don't we just put
him back in his carrier?

- Here's an idea,
we'll herd him in.

Here, take this remote.

- Can I be the death buggy?

- You're not ready
for the death buggy.

(audience laughing)

(cat yowling)

Oh, he's quick.

- Oh look, he's
chasing the tank.

- Turbo Maya, turbo.

- Hey, I think he likes it.

- We're gonna get ya.

- We're gonna get ya.

(cat yowling)

(audience laughing)

- We got ya.

- Cookies, girls.

Pass 'em around, there's
plenty for everybody.

- Hey ma.

- Oh hi honey.

- This is Nina.

- Oh, hi Nina, I'm Rhoda.

The girls are very excited
to hear about fashion.

- Oh, that's so sweet.

Maybe afterwards, you and
I can sit down, one on one.

(audience laughing)

- Oh.

- Ma, I got a surprise for you.

- Oh?

Oh the City by the Bay.

You sure know how to
make your mother happy.

- Come on, you're worth it Ma.

So I brought my laundry.

(knocking on floor)

- I told you, we're outta beer!

- Hey dad.

That's my dad, he hangs
out in the basement.

It's like "The
Honeymooners", huh Ma?

(knocking on floor)

- I hear you, I'm going.

- These two crack me up.

Don't worry Ma,
I'll run to the store.

- Thanks.

(knocking)

- My folks, they say
there's nothing good on TV,

well here's your show.

(chuckles)

- Girls, I want you to
meet Nina Van Horn.

She is going to talk
to you about fashion.

- And hate crimes,
if time permits.

(audience laughing)

Hello.

I am the fashion editor
at Blush magazine.

"Maga" meaning many
and "zine" meaning pages.

Many pages.

(audience laughing)

Any questions?

- Who watches your
baby when you're at work?

- Oh, I don't have a baby.

- Don't you wanna have a baby?

- God no.

- Doesn't your
husband want a baby?

- Girls, these are all
very good questions,

but stop asking them.

(audience laughing)

But ladies, you
need to think bigger.

I mean, haven't you ever
wanted more out of life.

To just live for adventure?

- Once I started
a fire in my room.

- You just became my favorite.

(audience laughing)

(funky music)

- Can I get you some water?

- I can't believe
Spartacus is dead.

- We were just as
shocked as you are.

(audience laughing)

- But just... It
doesn't make sense.

I mean, how could he
get from the office to the...

To the copy room, and
eat a whole box of toner?

(audience laughing)

- We have a theory about that,

don't we Maya.

(audience laughing)

Maya?

- We think someone,
possibly an intern,

left the door open,
allowing Spartac...

Allowing Spartacus...

I'm sorry dad, I can't.

(audience laughing)

- We're all
devastated, sweetheart.

My point is, his soul has
gone to a better place.

- I know, I know.

- His earthly
remains, however...
- Oh.

Jack your sweater's in here.

- Keep it.

(audience laughing)

Get a grip, you almost blew it.

- I just don't feel
right about this.

- Hey, don't be so selfish.

This is for Dennis.

- But Dad...

- How would he feel
coming to work every day,

knowing we killed his cat,

all the while
getting our coffee,

running our errands...

It would destroy him.

- He doesn't do
those things for me.

- Would you like him to?

(audience laughing)

- Down, down, down,

tumbled my dress from the
top of the Empire State Building.

And I said to myself,

"Nina, you are going to jail
in the greatest city on earth."

(audience laughing)

- Nina, can I have
adventures like you?

- [Nina] Of course you can.

The secret is, don't let
anyone tell you how to live.

I never did.

Except for the three
years when I was in a cult,

and the alternative was death.

(audience laughing)

- Sorry it took me so long.

So, have you girls
been learning a lot?

- Nina says we don't
have to have babies.

- What?

- All we need are good legs,

and a party attitude.

(audience laughing)

- This is a joke, right?

- Uncle Elliot, when I'm
12, I'm gonna run away,

just like Nina did.

- Alright now, hold on,

the world is a much more
dangerous place today.

If you must go, pair up,

and stick to the interstate.

(audience laughing)

- Alright that's
it, meeting's over.

Come on, I'm taking
everyone home.

- Hey listen, before
you take the kids home,

could you drop me
off in the village?

- Oh, are you in a hurry?

Well walk back.

- Fine, maybe I will.

I don't need you.

(girls cheering)

- Can I keep your lighter?

- Oh, of course you can.

- Out, out, everyone, everyone.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, come on, that's it.

- Do you have a baby?

- No.

- Does your wife want a baby?

- Get in the car.

(audience laughing)

- You know, maybe I did
go too far with the girls.

But if I'm guilty of
anything, it's that I...

I want too much.

You know, I'm
envious of you people,

with your simple dreams,
and your tacky lawn furniture.

(audience laughing)

I wish I could be
happy with so little,

but I... I just can't.

- Take me with you.

- What?

- I'm sick of all this.

I want out.

I wanna live.

- Are you serious?

- Please.

(audience laughing)

- Get it yourself,
you big fat jerk!

He is fat, right?

- Oh yeah.

(audience laughing)

(funky music)

- Those of you who took
the time to know Spartacus,

knew he was more than just
an award-winning purebred.

But most of you didn't
take that time, did you?

(audience laughing)

- [Jack] Dennis, Dennis.

- I'll never feel his

sandy little tongue
between my toes again.

- Oh, this is just wrong.

- Wrong and tragic.

There is nothing more to say.

But there is
something we can do.

Dennis, so that Spartacus
will have the burial he deserves,

the Gallo family would
like to present to you

a check for $1,000.

(group applauding)

- Thanks Jack.

- [Jack] You're welcome, Dennis.

Okay people, let's
work extra hard today,

for Spartacus!

(audience laughing)

- Hello all!

Look who I have here.

- I everybody.

Hi sweetheart.

- Ma, what are you doing here?

- Big news, she
left your father.

- What?

- And we just saw Al
Pacino get his ass kicked,

outside a Starbucks.

(audience laughing)

- Wait, wait, what was
the first thing you said?

- He was in "Scent of a Woman".

"Whooah!"

- Oh I like that, "Whooah!"

- "Whooah!"

- "Whooah!"

- Okay, everybody just shut up.

What the hell's going on here?

- It's something Al
Pacino said in a movie.

- I know that.

- Honey, uh, maybe
we should talk in private.

- Please.

- Oh thank you very much.

- Wait, Finch's stupid
cat isn't still in there, is he?

(gasping)

(audience laughing)

- It's true Elliot,
I've left your father.

- That's just crazy.

- Life is crazy.

- Why are you here?

- Well it seems
that my little speech,

changed your mother's life.

I reached her with words,

like a teacher or
a lawyer or a radio.

(audience laughing)

- Hey ma.

Come on, let's go downstairs,

we'll have some
coffee, we'll talk about it.

And then I'll take
you back home.

- I don't wanna go home.

- Oh you're going home.

- Oh no I'm not.

- Yes you are!

- Oh honey, I can't talk to
you when you're like this.

- Isn't it frustrating?

(audience laughing)

- Besides, Nina's taking
me to Bloomingdale's.

- Chippendale's.

- Oh, right.

- "Whooah!"
- "Whooah!"

- "Whooah!"

(audience laughing)

(funky music)

- Dad you are going
to be so relieved.

I've resolved this whole
thing with Spartacus.

- Who?

Oh right, the cat.

Very sad.

- My therapist said
that confessing to Finch

would just hurt him.

So you see, by
me not telling Finch,

I give myself permission

(inhaling) to feel better.

(audience laughing)

- You guys busy?

- No Dennis, come on in.

- Alright, I just
wanted to thank you.

I took that $1,000 you gave me,

and did something
special for Spartacus.

- Oh a plaque?

- Even better...
I got him stuffed.

(audience laughing)

- Mother of god.

(audience laughing)

- I know, isn't he cute?

The reset his jaw
so he's smiling.

- Why's he pointing?

- Oh, he's not pointing,
he's on the prowl.

- On the prowl? For what?

- Angel mice.

(audience laughing)

(gasping)

- He's so soft.

Feel his fur.

- No, no, no, no.

My hands are dirty.

So very, very dirty.

- Nina.

- Good morning, Elliot.

- Where the hell is my mother?

- I went to your place,

and I waited for you all night.

- Oh relax.

Rhoda and I were out until dawn.

She's in Jack's
office, sleeping it off.

- Sleeping what off?

- Well, we went to some
parties, couple clubs,

played a little poker
at Jimmy Caan's.

(audience laughing)

- What the hell is
wrong with you, huh?

You come to my house,

you try to break up
my parents marriage,

and now you're turning
my mother into you.

- Hardly.

If I had made a
pass at Jimmy Caan,

like your mother did, I
would've gotten a lot further.

- My mother does not
throw herself at movie stars.

She cooks and
takes care of my dad,

and collects
commemorative plates.

- You don't know
your mother at all.

And it's high
time you accept it,

that Rhoda DiMauro is a
very, very different person

than you think she is.

- Get out.

Ma, Ma.

(audience laughing)

- Whoops.

(funky music)

- You lost my mother?

- Alright, alright,
Elliot, Elliot.

First things first.

Time to go.

- Where's Jimmy Caan?

- Alright, alright.

Buh bye.

- Okay where is she?

- Alright, I'm not exactly sure.

- I swear to god, if
something happens to her...

(phone ringing)

- Alright, just don't
be so dramatic.

I'm sure that's her right now.

- Hello.

Ma?

Ma.

- Who is it?

(audience laughing)

- Where are you?

Uh huh.

Well, just don't do anything
until I get there okay?

Alright.

- Where is she?

- She's at the bus station.

She says she's heading west.

She wanted to say goodbye.

I gotta stop her.

- Alright, listen to
me for one second.

I saw your mother
yesterday at her house,

and I saw her last night.

And last night she
was truly happy.

Careful when you hug her,
she had her belly button pierced.

(audience laughing)

(funky music)

- Hey dad, I just...

What's with the cigarettes?

- Dennis knows.

(audience laughing)

Why else would he
bring that cat to work?

He's playing me.

Waiting for me to crack.

(audience laughing)

- Dad, you've got
four lit in the ashtray.

- And he keeps thanking me.

It was a measly grand.

He knows that
means nothing to me.

I earn that sniffing a
new can of tennis balls.

(audience laughing)

- For god sakes,
pull yourself together.

Put on some cologne.

You stink of fear.

(audience laughing)

- Hey Jack.

(gasping)

Your stupid employees are
using my cat as a bulletin board.

Can I keep him in here?

- Uh, here, in here?

- Of course you can.

Allow me.

- Thanks for everything.

You guys are the only
ones who really care.

I know wherever Spartacus is,

he's thinking of you.

(audience laughing)

- Meow.

- With Spartacus gone,
you guys are my best friends.

- Murderer.

(audience laughing)

- We killed Spartacus,
me and Maya!

- Shut up old man!

(audience laughing)

- We shmushed him
with our little cars.

- You killed him?

- We're really sorry.

But it was just an accident.

- Oh my god.

That means you guys
dragged him into the copy room,

and poured toner
down his throat?

(audience laughing)

- It was a game.

No one was supposed to get hurt.

- Look Finch, I know
you hate us now.

But you will get over this.

And no matter what, Spartacus
will still be here for you,

always and forever.

(flames crackling)

(audience laughing)

Of course it's the memory of
Spartacus that matters most.

(audience laughing)

- Ma, what are you doing?

- I'm going to the Grand Canyon.

They say you can ride
a mule to the bottom,

and shake hands with the Navajo.

- Look, I'm sure you
had fun last night.

But you can't just walk
out on your whole life.

- Why not?

I've had 35 lousy
years of marriage.

I don't wanna make it 36.

- Lousy, what are
you talking about?

You guys are "The Honeymooners".

Bang, bang, bang, you're
outta beer, remember?

- Awe, poor Elliot.

Honey, I know that's
what you like to think.

Just like you think I love those
stupid commemorative plates

you keep shoving down my throat.

(audience laughing)

- What? You love those.

- Oh, Elliot, you
have this image

of what a mother ought to be.

And I guess, for a
long time, I have too.

But I can't do it any more.

- Look, you and dad
just need to talk, okay?

It's all about communication.

- No, it's not gonna
make any difference.

- Sure, sure it will.

Dad, dad it's Elliot.

Yeah, I found ma.

She's right here.

"Thank god" he says, huh?

"thank god" huh, huh?

So dad, I think you and M...

No, I don't think that
matters right now.

Dad I just found ma,

who cares where your
carton of Camels is.

- It's up your keister
you son of a bitch.

(audience laughing)

- Aha ha, she says
she loves ya pa.

Okay, bye.

He says he, uh...
He loves you too.

- Elliot.

- No really, he just...

God, you really
hate each other, huh?

When did... When
did all of this happen?

- Oh who knows

First you stop talking,

then the sex
becomes mechanical...

- Okay, that's good
enough for me.

(audience laughing)

I just want you to
be happy, okay?

Are you sure you're
doing the right thing?

- No.

But I won't know unless I try.

So, it's off to the desert, huh?

- And after that huh?

- Ah, who knows.

- Here, just call me
when you get there, okay?

Or before.

- Oh, thank you honey.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

You be careful, okay?

- Okay.

- I mean, there are a lot
of crazy people out there.

- Run Rhoda!

(grunting)

(audience laughing)

You're going to thank
me when you come to.

(theme music)