Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 14 - Paradise by the Dashboard Light - full transcript

As Jack and Nina look for a date for Maya, Elliott balks at a girlfriend's interest.

(twangy guitar music)

- Hey, what's with the outfit?

- We're doing a
lover's lane shoot.

- Based on your idea, Maya.

Women in the '50s.

- No, my idea was for a
story about women in their 50s.

- Well that's just distasteful.

- So did Elliot pick Kaylene

to be in the lover's lane shoot?

- Well, he's been jitterbuggering
her for a while now.

What do you think?

- I don't.

I mean, I do think

I just don't think about them.

I mean, who does?

I mean, really, who cares?

- Nice cover, very smooth.

I can't tell that you like him.

So what about this
idea for a photo spread?

Women in really,
really, really high heels.

And naturally they're
tickling each other.

What if they're in their 50s?

- Hey, Jack.

- Elliot.

- Hi, cutie, that looks great.

That looks great.

- Big news, I got
offered a residency

at Los Angeles
Children's Hospital.

- Los Angeles, wow that's
great, but it's so far away.

- Which is why I turned it down.

- Really?

- I want to work in
New York so we can,

you know, be together.

- Wow, I don't know what to say.

You're so sweet.

- No, you are.

- Aw.

Okay, now it's getting awkward.

I really should've walked away.

First I said aw, then
it got a little awkward,

then I realized I should've
just walked away.

- What a story.

I like the middle part where
you were feeling awkward.

- Okay, Dad, I just booked
my tickets for my vacation.

I'm leaving next Monday
for two whole weeks.

- Hey, why does she get two
weeks when I only get one?

- Because last year you
took 87 personal days.

- So dear, where
are you going to?

- It's a group bicycle
tour of Provence.

- Ah, France, you'll love it.

The quaint villages,
the friendly people.

Don't tell them you're
a quarter Jewish.

- You know, I
dated a cyclist once.

Well, he rode a unicycle.

Well, his bear did.

Well, it actually
wasn't his bear.

I'm done.

- I hear these group tours
are a great way for singles

to get together, so Maya
I have my fingers crossed.

- Well, uncross them.

It's a group of women cyclists.

- All women?

What do you do
if you get a flat?

- What?

- Maya, you go to a place
like Provence for romance,

not to exercise
with other girls.

- Oh, don't be silly,
it's gonna be great.

We'll do 80 kilometers
a day, see art,

experience local custom.

Then at night, we'll
sit around the campfire

and just talk, I
mean really talk.

Then we'll sleep hard
because we rode hard in France.

I'm so stoked!

- What's wrong with her?

Has she given up on men?

It's like she's
throwing in the towel.

- Yeah, into the
women's locker room.

- What does that mean?

- Oh, don't get me wrong.

I'm just saying she's a lesbian.

- Maya's not gay,

but at this rate she's
gonna be an old maid.

- Listen, do you wanna fix
her up with some of the men

I'm finished with?

- No, thank you.

But it's time I did something.

I mean, before you know it
she's gonna be middle-aged,

living alone, no man to come
home to, no children to hug.


- Oh, Finch, that is
some serious biking gear.

Are you really gonna
let me borrow it?

- Yes, if you
promise to be careful.

- I promise, and I'm
gonna bring you back

something really special.

- Yes, you will.

You will go to a small
dark shop in an alley

off Rue de Sezac in Marseille.

You will give this note
to a man named Bobo.

He will give you a package.

You will not open it,
you will not get it wet,

you will bring it back to me.

- Couldn't I just get
you some cheese?

- Oh, it is cheese.

It's amazing.

Check this out.

Solar signaling mirror.

bicycle inner tube.

Bell. (bell ringing)

Check this out.

- Oh, what is it?

- Guess.

- Socks?

- It's a tent.

Sleeps four.

Had some wild
times in this baby.

Ain't no rules
out in the jungle.

- I'm not sure
she'll go for this.

- It's all in the presentation.


A notion just
popped into my head.

Pop, apropos of nothing.

What would you say
if I said dating service?

- That is a great idea.

- Oh, thank God.

- It could be a
series of articles.

How it's the perfect solution
for the busy professional.

How it doesn't have
the stigma that it used to.

- No, no, no, no dear.

We meant a dating
service for you.

- Me?

Those things are for losers.

- Maya, it's a
high-class service.

Even their ads are done
in that diploma handwriting.

- Oh God, how could
you insult me like this?

- It's not insulting, it's
just a helping hand.

It breaks my heart to see
you alone and unhappy.

- Dad, alone and unhappy
are not the same thing.

I'm very happy.

Please, mind your own business.

- Maya, you'll catch
more lesbians with honey.

- Hey, Elliot.

- Hey.

- What's the name of
that restaurant in Paris

you loved so much?

- Le something.

- Thank you, that's so helpful.

- Man, I would
love to go to France.

- Oh, I know, it's
gonna be great.

Cheese and bicycles
and nobody meddling.

- Yeah, no meddling,
no meddling.

- Hey, Elliot, what's wrong?

- Nothing's wrong,
everything's right.

Kaylene is changing
her life for me.

- You look all clammy.

- Aren't you listening?

Kaylene is changing
her life for me.

She's gonna want
me to change my life,

and I don't want to.

I love my life.

I love sleeping on the diagonal.

I love having a room
just for my berets.

- Hey, you don't
have to convince me.

Being single rocks.

- Yes, it rocks.

- No one to tell you what to do.

- You can do whatever you want.

- Whenever you want.
- Whoever you want.

- This is wrong.
- Wrong.

- We've tried this before.

- We always talk
about how wrong it is.

- Yes, I'm not saying
there isn't chemistry.

- Because clearly
there is, you know.

- But still...
- Exactly, you know.

I gotta, you know.

- I should.

- Alright, well you
know, have a nice day.

- Did the dating service
say what the guy looks like?

- No, it could be anyone.

- Let's try him.


- Yes?

- We've been very
anxious to meet you.

- Very anxious.

- I must've checked the
wrong box on my application.

- No, no.
- No, no.

- No, no, you're here
to meet Maya Gallo,

and we're her advance team.

- [Carl] Oh, oh

- This is Nina Van Horn.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- And I'm Jack
Gallo, Maya's father.

- Oh, well instead of flowers,
I should've brought a pig.

I'm a student of world cultures,
and in the Solomon Islands

one would bring the
girl's father a pig or pigs

depending on her quality.

I'm sure Maya's a 20-pig woman.

Of course if it doesn't work
out, you owe me a goat.

- He's perfect for her.

- So what's Maya like?

I know from her profile
that she's really smart

and a hater of evil.

- I was in a hurry, and I didn't
know what her hobbies were.

- Anyway, yes Maya
is a hater of evil,

and she's very well-read.

- Entire books, big ones.

- And she's concerned with
the environment, politics,

but what I really
want to emphasize

is my daughter's
an old-fashioned girl.

She likes to take
things very, very slow.

- [Maya] Wrong,
you and me is wrong.

- [Elliot] Oh,
you're right, wrong.

- [Maya] It was wrong before.

- [Elliot] And it's still wrong.

Oh, very wrong.

- Maya, there's something
different about you.

What is it?

- Nothing.

- No, it's like you had an
intense physical experience,

then couldn't sleep and
then used a cheap conditioner.

Finch, what's
different about Maya?

- Different about Maya, hm.

Not the hair.

Shoes I've seen.

- Something is
definitely different.

- Stop it!

How would you like it if
everyone was just staring

at you all day?

- Like it, why do you
think I dress this way?

Are you aware that my
bottom is completely numb?

- Hey.

- Hey, hey.

- You took off right
after, you know.

- Yeah, I was
just, it was weird.

But nice.
- Oh, it was more than nice.

But what does it mean?

- Um...
- [Kaylene] Hey, Elliot.

- Hey.
- Hey, Maya.

- Hey.

- Boy, I guess you guys
aren't morning people.

But this should cheer you up.

I brought you some of
those fruit rollies you like.

- Oh, thanks.

- And, drum roll please,

your very own key
to my new apartment.

- [Elliot] Gosh.

- So don't I get a kiss?

- In front of all these people?

- All what people?

It's just Maya.

- That's right, it's just Maya.

- Maya.

- See you later.

You know who would
be perfect for her?

My friend Janice.

- Oh, Jack, look there's an
exhibition of Polynesian kettles

at some museum on Friday.

It would be the perfect
first date for Maya and Carl.

- What if Maya's busy?


Look, Carl's okay, but
I'm not sure he's the one.

- Well, think about it.

A bird in the hand
is worth two if by sea.

- I don't know, he's
not much of a go-getter.

He's more of a sitter-arounder
and reader-too-mucher.

Maybe we should
get another opinion.

- Is this Maya?

- No, this is Dennis,
a friend of Maya's.

- He wanted to meet you too.

- Oh, then it's fair to
say I'm still in the hunt.


- Alright, settle down.


- Is this Maya.

Okay, it's your first date,
the waiter spills wine on Maya.

What do you do?

- Apologize for
choosing the restaurant,

then spill wine on
myself in a show of unity.

- Aw.

- Okay, you've
taken her to a play.

You discover there's
nudity, but it's tastefully done.

Story related.

Stay or go?

- Apologize for
choosing the play.

If she decides to stay,
I make it perfectly clear

with my body language
that I am in no way aroused.

- Favorite Sondheim musical?

- I'm going to
shock you, Passion.

- And we are done.

- Can I take another
crack at the first one?

- No.

Will you excuse us a moment?

- Certainly, certainly.

Is this far enough?

Too far?
- That's great.

No, right there, buddy.

You're the man.

Lose him.

- What?

- He's a dishrag.

Who needs someone that
desperate for approval?

- I think you're
completely right, Dennis.

- I am?

Thank you, Jack.

- Alright, let's
get this over with.


Carl, I don't know how to say
this so I'm just gonna say it.


- Okay, Carl, here's the deal.

You fought a good
fight, but it's over.

- What did I do wrong?

- Pretty much everything.

You might want to
rethink the whole package.

- Guess I should
just be leaving.

Unless this is part of the test,

the part where I stand
my ground, assert myself,

and claim what
is rightfully mine.

- No.

- Right.

- Okay, I know that was
a little weird out there,

but now we're
alone, so let's talk.

Last night was great.

You were a little bossy,
but I gotta say I dig that.

- Oh, stop it.

Why aren't you at
Kaylene's new apartment

eating her fruit rollies which
are, by the way, 0% fruit.

- Maya, I can't...

- There's more
fruit in the wrapper.

- Maya, just let
me say one thing.

- I refuse to be
the other woman!

- Alright, you go ahead.

- I watched women move in on
my father when he was married,

and I found them
cheap and slutty.

And now I find myself
cheap and slutty.

And that is a pretty
hard thing to find.

- It wasn't like that.

- It was exactly like that!

You're with Kaylene,
and I slept with you.

Where's the part where I'm
not cheap and slutty, huh?

Where is it?

- Maya, alright,
alright, alright.

We're all adults so let's deal
with the situation as adults.

If I break up with Kaylene,
would you be my girlfriend?

- What are you,
weighing your options?

You don't wanna quit your job

before you got
another one lined up?

- No, that's not
what I'm saying.

It's just that there's Kaylene,

and if last night was
a one-time thing...

- One time thing?

Stop calling me a slut.

And what is all of this Kaylene,
Kaylene all of a sudden?

Yesterday, she was
busting up your beret room,

and now she's your
reason for living.

- Hey, you know, just stop
using my words against me.

See, this is why men
never share their feelings,

because women always remember.

- You slept with me because
you have a commitment problem.

You used me.

- Oh, please.

Please, you used me because
you're tired of going home

to your Lifetime Channel
and your soup for one.

- Okay, no more talking.

- Hey, we're not
in the car anymore.

- Yeah, and we never will be
again so just get out of here,

go make your life with
Kaylene and her fake fruit rollies

and her preferential
doctor parking.

- Fine, fine, but not
because you told me.

- Oh, bite me!

- Once again, we're
not in the car anymore!

- You do realize you're
not discovering France?

- I'm changing my plans.

I'm leaving for
Provence tonight.

- Tonight, why?

- Because the weather is
good and the dollar is strong,

and there's no reason
for me to stay here.

- Hey, Junior, you're
not going anywhere.

Where's the double
knot in your canteen, huh?

Look at that bed roll.

One gust of wind, and
it's E.T. phone home.

This fanny pack,
it's not a tail.

Cinch it up, show
some pride out there.

- Shut up.

- Okay, get my cheese?

- Maya, are you alright?

- Yes, of course.

- Well, you look like you
had an emotionally draining

experience and then chose
an unflattering eye shadow.

- I lost my damn passport,

and when I find
it, I'm out of here.

Away from this magazine
and makeup and men.

There's a little knob that's
pressing right into my spine!

- That is your flare gun, mam.

- [Elliot] Maybe we should
talk in here, Kaylene.

- So what's goin' on?

- This is so hard.

Okay, you're terrific, no
question, but when I imagine

myself with someone special,
I'm imagining someone else.

- I'm listening.

- See, first I thought I was
just afraid of commitment,

you know, then when I picture
myself with this other person

the fear isn't there,
mostly, mostly.

- Wait a second, you're
leaving me for another woman?

- No, see, she doesn't want me,

but I can't stay with you
as long as I feel this way.

- Wow.

- [Elliot] Are you okay?

- I mean, you think
you know someone,

and then you discover that
he's completely delusional.

- Excuse me?

- Good luck with
the other woman.

Oh, and let her know that
your children will be insane.

(metallic clinking)

- [Maya] Damn it.

- Maya?

- Found my passport.

- And sorry about
the cold feet before.

Okay, she's right down there.

- You aren't going with me?

- We don't want it
to look like a setup.

- But it is a setup.

- But we don't want
it to look like one.

Come on, Carl,
this is zero hour.

Stay with me, boy.

- Locked and loaded sir.

- Right.

- My tummy feels funny.

- Don't panic.

Just keep in mind she can
be a little standoffish at first.


- [Maya] Oh, this is less wrong.

- [Elliot] Oh, much less wrong.

- [Maya] So much less
wrong it's actually right.

- [Elliot] Oh, it's very right.

- [Maya] It's good to be right!

- [Elliot] Very good.

- [Maya] You good.

You right.

- [Elliot] We're good together.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you