Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 14 - Paradise by the Dashboard Light - full transcript
As Jack and Nina look for a date for Maya, Elliott balks at a girlfriend's interest.
(twangy guitar music)
- Hey, what's with the outfit?
- We're doing a
lover's lane shoot.
- Based on your idea, Maya.
Women in the '50s.
- No, my idea was for a
story about women in their 50s.
- Well that's just distasteful.
- So did Elliot pick Kaylene
to be in the lover's lane shoot?
- Well, he's been jitterbuggering
her for a while now.
What do you think?
- I don't.
I mean, I do think
I just don't think about them.
I mean, who does?
I mean, really, who cares?
- Nice cover, very smooth.
I can't tell that you like him.
So what about this
idea for a photo spread?
Women in really,
really, really high heels.
And naturally they're
tickling each other.
What if they're in their 50s?
- Hey, Jack.
- Elliot.
- Hi, cutie, that looks great.
That looks great.
- Big news, I got
offered a residency
at Los Angeles
Children's Hospital.
- Los Angeles, wow that's
great, but it's so far away.
- Which is why I turned it down.
- Really?
- I want to work in
New York so we can,
you know, be together.
- Wow, I don't know what to say.
You're so sweet.
- No, you are.
- Aw.
Okay, now it's getting awkward.
I really should've walked away.
First I said aw, then
it got a little awkward,
then I realized I should've
just walked away.
- What a story.
I like the middle part where
you were feeling awkward.
- Okay, Dad, I just booked
my tickets for my vacation.
I'm leaving next Monday
for two whole weeks.
- Hey, why does she get two
weeks when I only get one?
- Because last year you
took 87 personal days.
- So dear, where
are you going to?
- It's a group bicycle
tour of Provence.
- Ah, France, you'll love it.
The quaint villages,
the friendly people.
Don't tell them you're
a quarter Jewish.
- You know, I
dated a cyclist once.
Well, he rode a unicycle.
Well, his bear did.
Well, it actually
wasn't his bear.
I'm done.
- I hear these group tours
are a great way for singles
to get together, so Maya
I have my fingers crossed.
- Well, uncross them.
It's a group of women cyclists.
- All women?
What do you do
if you get a flat?
- What?
- Maya, you go to a place
like Provence for romance,
not to exercise
with other girls.
- Oh, don't be silly,
it's gonna be great.
We'll do 80 kilometers
a day, see art,
experience local custom.
Then at night, we'll
sit around the campfire
and just talk, I
mean really talk.
Then we'll sleep hard
because we rode hard in France.
I'm so stoked!
- What's wrong with her?
Has she given up on men?
It's like she's
throwing in the towel.
- Yeah, into the
women's locker room.
- What does that mean?
- Oh, don't get me wrong.
I'm just saying she's a lesbian.
- Maya's not gay,
but at this rate she's
gonna be an old maid.
- Listen, do you wanna fix
her up with some of the men
I'm finished with?
- No, thank you.
But it's time I did something.
I mean, before you know it
she's gonna be middle-aged,
living alone, no man to come
home to, no children to hug.
(crying)
- Oh, Finch, that is
some serious biking gear.
Are you really gonna
let me borrow it?
- Yes, if you
promise to be careful.
- I promise, and I'm
gonna bring you back
something really special.
- Yes, you will.
You will go to a small
dark shop in an alley
off Rue de Sezac in Marseille.
You will give this note
to a man named Bobo.
He will give you a package.
You will not open it,
you will not get it wet,
you will bring it back to me.
- Couldn't I just get
you some cheese?
- Oh, it is cheese.
It's amazing.
Check this out.
Solar signaling mirror.
Self-inflating
bicycle inner tube.
Bell. (bell ringing)
Check this out.
- Oh, what is it?
- Guess.
- Socks?
- It's a tent.
Sleeps four.
Had some wild
times in this baby.
Ain't no rules
out in the jungle.
- I'm not sure
she'll go for this.
- It's all in the presentation.
Maya?
A notion just
popped into my head.
Pop, apropos of nothing.
What would you say
if I said dating service?
- That is a great idea.
- Oh, thank God.
- It could be a
series of articles.
How it's the perfect solution
for the busy professional.
How it doesn't have
the stigma that it used to.
- No, no, no, no dear.
We meant a dating
service for you.
- Me?
Those things are for losers.
- Maya, it's a
high-class service.
Even their ads are done
in that diploma handwriting.
- Oh God, how could
you insult me like this?
- It's not insulting, it's
just a helping hand.
It breaks my heart to see
you alone and unhappy.
- Dad, alone and unhappy
are not the same thing.
I'm very happy.
Please, mind your own business.
- Maya, you'll catch
more lesbians with honey.
- Hey, Elliot.
- Hey.
- What's the name of
that restaurant in Paris
you loved so much?
- Le something.
- Thank you, that's so helpful.
- Man, I would
love to go to France.
- Oh, I know, it's
gonna be great.
Cheese and bicycles
and nobody meddling.
- Yeah, no meddling,
no meddling.
- Hey, Elliot, what's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong,
everything's right.
Kaylene is changing
her life for me.
- You look all clammy.
- Aren't you listening?
Kaylene is changing
her life for me.
She's gonna want
me to change my life,
and I don't want to.
I love my life.
I love sleeping on the diagonal.
I love having a room
just for my berets.
- Hey, you don't
have to convince me.
Being single rocks.
- Yes, it rocks.
- No one to tell you what to do.
- You can do whatever you want.
- Whenever you want.
- Whoever you want.
- This is wrong.
- Wrong.
- We've tried this before.
- We always talk
about how wrong it is.
- Yes, I'm not saying
there isn't chemistry.
- Because clearly
there is, you know.
- But still...
- Exactly, you know.
I gotta, you know.
- I should.
- Alright, well you
know, have a nice day.
- Did the dating service
say what the guy looks like?
- No, it could be anyone.
- Let's try him.
Carl?
- Yes?
- We've been very
anxious to meet you.
- Very anxious.
- I must've checked the
wrong box on my application.
- No, no.
- No, no.
- No, no, you're here
to meet Maya Gallo,
and we're her advance team.
- [Carl] Oh, oh
- This is Nina Van Horn.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- And I'm Jack
Gallo, Maya's father.
- Oh, well instead of flowers,
I should've brought a pig.
I'm a student of world cultures,
and in the Solomon Islands
one would bring the
girl's father a pig or pigs
depending on her quality.
I'm sure Maya's a 20-pig woman.
Of course if it doesn't work
out, you owe me a goat.
- He's perfect for her.
- So what's Maya like?
I know from her profile
that she's really smart
and a hater of evil.
- I was in a hurry, and I didn't
know what her hobbies were.
- Anyway, yes Maya
is a hater of evil,
and she's very well-read.
- Entire books, big ones.
- And she's concerned with
the environment, politics,
but what I really
want to emphasize
is my daughter's
an old-fashioned girl.
She likes to take
things very, very slow.
- [Maya] Wrong,
you and me is wrong.
- [Elliot] Oh,
you're right, wrong.
- [Maya] It was wrong before.
- [Elliot] And it's still wrong.
Oh, very wrong.
- Maya, there's something
different about you.
What is it?
- Nothing.
- No, it's like you had an
intense physical experience,
then couldn't sleep and
then used a cheap conditioner.
Finch, what's
different about Maya?
- Different about Maya, hm.
Not the hair.
Shoes I've seen.
- Something is
definitely different.
- Stop it!
How would you like it if
everyone was just staring
at you all day?
- Like it, why do you
think I dress this way?
Are you aware that my
bottom is completely numb?
- Hey.
- Hey, hey.
- You took off right
after, you know.
- Yeah, I was
just, it was weird.
But nice.
- Oh, it was more than nice.
But what does it mean?
- Um...
- [Kaylene] Hey, Elliot.
- Hey.
- Hey, Maya.
- Hey.
- Boy, I guess you guys
aren't morning people.
But this should cheer you up.
I brought you some of
those fruit rollies you like.
- Oh, thanks.
- And, drum roll please,
your very own key
to my new apartment.
- [Elliot] Gosh.
- So don't I get a kiss?
- In front of all these people?
- All what people?
It's just Maya.
- That's right, it's just Maya.
- Maya.
- See you later.
You know who would
be perfect for her?
My friend Janice.
- Oh, Jack, look there's an
exhibition of Polynesian kettles
at some museum on Friday.
It would be the perfect
first date for Maya and Carl.
- What if Maya's busy?
(snorting)
Look, Carl's okay, but
I'm not sure he's the one.
- Well, think about it.
A bird in the hand
is worth two if by sea.
- I don't know, he's
not much of a go-getter.
He's more of a sitter-arounder
and reader-too-mucher.
Maybe we should
get another opinion.
- Is this Maya?
- No, this is Dennis,
a friend of Maya's.
- He wanted to meet you too.
- Oh, then it's fair to
say I'm still in the hunt.
Huzzah!
- Alright, settle down.
Dennis.
- Is this Maya.
Okay, it's your first date,
the waiter spills wine on Maya.
What do you do?
- Apologize for
choosing the restaurant,
then spill wine on
myself in a show of unity.
- Aw.
- Okay, you've
taken her to a play.
You discover there's
nudity, but it's tastefully done.
Story related.
Stay or go?
- Apologize for
choosing the play.
If she decides to stay,
I make it perfectly clear
with my body language
that I am in no way aroused.
- Favorite Sondheim musical?
- I'm going to
shock you, Passion.
- And we are done.
- Can I take another
crack at the first one?
- No.
Will you excuse us a moment?
- Certainly, certainly.
Is this far enough?
Too far?
- That's great.
No, right there, buddy.
You're the man.
Lose him.
- What?
- He's a dishrag.
Who needs someone that
desperate for approval?
- I think you're
completely right, Dennis.
- I am?
Thank you, Jack.
- Alright, let's
get this over with.
Carl?
Carl, I don't know how to say
this so I'm just gonna say it.
Dennis?
- Okay, Carl, here's the deal.
You fought a good
fight, but it's over.
- What did I do wrong?
- Pretty much everything.
You might want to
rethink the whole package.
- Guess I should
just be leaving.
Unless this is part of the test,
the part where I stand
my ground, assert myself,
and claim what
is rightfully mine.
- No.
- Right.
- Okay, I know that was
a little weird out there,
but now we're
alone, so let's talk.
Last night was great.
You were a little bossy,
but I gotta say I dig that.
- Oh, stop it.
Why aren't you at
Kaylene's new apartment
eating her fruit rollies which
are, by the way, 0% fruit.
- Maya, I can't...
- There's more
fruit in the wrapper.
- Maya, just let
me say one thing.
- I refuse to be
the other woman!
- Alright, you go ahead.
- I watched women move in on
my father when he was married,
and I found them
cheap and slutty.
And now I find myself
cheap and slutty.
And that is a pretty
hard thing to find.
- It wasn't like that.
- It was exactly like that!
You're with Kaylene,
and I slept with you.
Where's the part where I'm
not cheap and slutty, huh?
Where is it?
- Maya, alright,
alright, alright.
We're all adults so let's deal
with the situation as adults.
If I break up with Kaylene,
would you be my girlfriend?
- What are you,
weighing your options?
You don't wanna quit your job
before you got
another one lined up?
- No, that's not
what I'm saying.
It's just that there's Kaylene,
and if last night was
a one-time thing...
- One time thing?
Stop calling me a slut.
And what is all of this Kaylene,
Kaylene all of a sudden?
Yesterday, she was
busting up your beret room,
and now she's your
reason for living.
- Hey, you know, just stop
using my words against me.
See, this is why men
never share their feelings,
because women always remember.
- You slept with me because
you have a commitment problem.
You used me.
- Oh, please.
Please, you used me because
you're tired of going home
to your Lifetime Channel
and your soup for one.
- Okay, no more talking.
- Hey, we're not
in the car anymore.
- Yeah, and we never will be
again so just get out of here,
go make your life with
Kaylene and her fake fruit rollies
and her preferential
doctor parking.
- Fine, fine, but not
because you told me.
- Oh, bite me!
- Once again, we're
not in the car anymore!
- You do realize you're
not discovering France?
- I'm changing my plans.
I'm leaving for
Provence tonight.
- Tonight, why?
- Because the weather is
good and the dollar is strong,
and there's no reason
for me to stay here.
- Hey, Junior, you're
not going anywhere.
Where's the double
knot in your canteen, huh?
Look at that bed roll.
One gust of wind, and
it's E.T. phone home.
This fanny pack,
it's not a tail.
Cinch it up, show
some pride out there.
- Shut up.
- Okay, get my cheese?
- Maya, are you alright?
- Yes, of course.
- Well, you look like you
had an emotionally draining
experience and then chose
an unflattering eye shadow.
- I lost my damn passport,
and when I find
it, I'm out of here.
Away from this magazine
and makeup and men.
There's a little knob that's
pressing right into my spine!
- That is your flare gun, mam.
- [Elliot] Maybe we should
talk in here, Kaylene.
- So what's goin' on?
- This is so hard.
Okay, you're terrific, no
question, but when I imagine
myself with someone special,
I'm imagining someone else.
- I'm listening.
- See, first I thought I was
just afraid of commitment,
you know, then when I picture
myself with this other person
the fear isn't there,
mostly, mostly.
- Wait a second, you're
leaving me for another woman?
- No, see, she doesn't want me,
but I can't stay with you
as long as I feel this way.
- Wow.
- [Elliot] Are you okay?
- I mean, you think
you know someone,
and then you discover that
he's completely delusional.
- Excuse me?
- Good luck with
the other woman.
Oh, and let her know that
your children will be insane.
(metallic clinking)
- [Maya] Damn it.
- Maya?
- Found my passport.
- And sorry about
the cold feet before.
Okay, she's right down there.
- You aren't going with me?
- We don't want it
to look like a setup.
- But it is a setup.
- But we don't want
it to look like one.
Come on, Carl,
this is zero hour.
Stay with me, boy.
- Locked and loaded sir.
- Right.
- My tummy feels funny.
- Don't panic.
Just keep in mind she can
be a little standoffish at first.
(moaning)
- [Maya] Oh, this is less wrong.
- [Elliot] Oh, much less wrong.
- [Maya] So much less
wrong it's actually right.
- [Elliot] Oh, it's very right.
- [Maya] It's good to be right!
- [Elliot] Very good.
- [Maya] You good.
You right.
- [Elliot] We're good together.
♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you
♪ Keeps bringing me home
♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do
♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of its own
♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you
- Hey, what's with the outfit?
- We're doing a
lover's lane shoot.
- Based on your idea, Maya.
Women in the '50s.
- No, my idea was for a
story about women in their 50s.
- Well that's just distasteful.
- So did Elliot pick Kaylene
to be in the lover's lane shoot?
- Well, he's been jitterbuggering
her for a while now.
What do you think?
- I don't.
I mean, I do think
I just don't think about them.
I mean, who does?
I mean, really, who cares?
- Nice cover, very smooth.
I can't tell that you like him.
So what about this
idea for a photo spread?
Women in really,
really, really high heels.
And naturally they're
tickling each other.
What if they're in their 50s?
- Hey, Jack.
- Elliot.
- Hi, cutie, that looks great.
That looks great.
- Big news, I got
offered a residency
at Los Angeles
Children's Hospital.
- Los Angeles, wow that's
great, but it's so far away.
- Which is why I turned it down.
- Really?
- I want to work in
New York so we can,
you know, be together.
- Wow, I don't know what to say.
You're so sweet.
- No, you are.
- Aw.
Okay, now it's getting awkward.
I really should've walked away.
First I said aw, then
it got a little awkward,
then I realized I should've
just walked away.
- What a story.
I like the middle part where
you were feeling awkward.
- Okay, Dad, I just booked
my tickets for my vacation.
I'm leaving next Monday
for two whole weeks.
- Hey, why does she get two
weeks when I only get one?
- Because last year you
took 87 personal days.
- So dear, where
are you going to?
- It's a group bicycle
tour of Provence.
- Ah, France, you'll love it.
The quaint villages,
the friendly people.
Don't tell them you're
a quarter Jewish.
- You know, I
dated a cyclist once.
Well, he rode a unicycle.
Well, his bear did.
Well, it actually
wasn't his bear.
I'm done.
- I hear these group tours
are a great way for singles
to get together, so Maya
I have my fingers crossed.
- Well, uncross them.
It's a group of women cyclists.
- All women?
What do you do
if you get a flat?
- What?
- Maya, you go to a place
like Provence for romance,
not to exercise
with other girls.
- Oh, don't be silly,
it's gonna be great.
We'll do 80 kilometers
a day, see art,
experience local custom.
Then at night, we'll
sit around the campfire
and just talk, I
mean really talk.
Then we'll sleep hard
because we rode hard in France.
I'm so stoked!
- What's wrong with her?
Has she given up on men?
It's like she's
throwing in the towel.
- Yeah, into the
women's locker room.
- What does that mean?
- Oh, don't get me wrong.
I'm just saying she's a lesbian.
- Maya's not gay,
but at this rate she's
gonna be an old maid.
- Listen, do you wanna fix
her up with some of the men
I'm finished with?
- No, thank you.
But it's time I did something.
I mean, before you know it
she's gonna be middle-aged,
living alone, no man to come
home to, no children to hug.
(crying)
- Oh, Finch, that is
some serious biking gear.
Are you really gonna
let me borrow it?
- Yes, if you
promise to be careful.
- I promise, and I'm
gonna bring you back
something really special.
- Yes, you will.
You will go to a small
dark shop in an alley
off Rue de Sezac in Marseille.
You will give this note
to a man named Bobo.
He will give you a package.
You will not open it,
you will not get it wet,
you will bring it back to me.
- Couldn't I just get
you some cheese?
- Oh, it is cheese.
It's amazing.
Check this out.
Solar signaling mirror.
Self-inflating
bicycle inner tube.
Bell. (bell ringing)
Check this out.
- Oh, what is it?
- Guess.
- Socks?
- It's a tent.
Sleeps four.
Had some wild
times in this baby.
Ain't no rules
out in the jungle.
- I'm not sure
she'll go for this.
- It's all in the presentation.
Maya?
A notion just
popped into my head.
Pop, apropos of nothing.
What would you say
if I said dating service?
- That is a great idea.
- Oh, thank God.
- It could be a
series of articles.
How it's the perfect solution
for the busy professional.
How it doesn't have
the stigma that it used to.
- No, no, no, no dear.
We meant a dating
service for you.
- Me?
Those things are for losers.
- Maya, it's a
high-class service.
Even their ads are done
in that diploma handwriting.
- Oh God, how could
you insult me like this?
- It's not insulting, it's
just a helping hand.
It breaks my heart to see
you alone and unhappy.
- Dad, alone and unhappy
are not the same thing.
I'm very happy.
Please, mind your own business.
- Maya, you'll catch
more lesbians with honey.
- Hey, Elliot.
- Hey.
- What's the name of
that restaurant in Paris
you loved so much?
- Le something.
- Thank you, that's so helpful.
- Man, I would
love to go to France.
- Oh, I know, it's
gonna be great.
Cheese and bicycles
and nobody meddling.
- Yeah, no meddling,
no meddling.
- Hey, Elliot, what's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong,
everything's right.
Kaylene is changing
her life for me.
- You look all clammy.
- Aren't you listening?
Kaylene is changing
her life for me.
She's gonna want
me to change my life,
and I don't want to.
I love my life.
I love sleeping on the diagonal.
I love having a room
just for my berets.
- Hey, you don't
have to convince me.
Being single rocks.
- Yes, it rocks.
- No one to tell you what to do.
- You can do whatever you want.
- Whenever you want.
- Whoever you want.
- This is wrong.
- Wrong.
- We've tried this before.
- We always talk
about how wrong it is.
- Yes, I'm not saying
there isn't chemistry.
- Because clearly
there is, you know.
- But still...
- Exactly, you know.
I gotta, you know.
- I should.
- Alright, well you
know, have a nice day.
- Did the dating service
say what the guy looks like?
- No, it could be anyone.
- Let's try him.
Carl?
- Yes?
- We've been very
anxious to meet you.
- Very anxious.
- I must've checked the
wrong box on my application.
- No, no.
- No, no.
- No, no, you're here
to meet Maya Gallo,
and we're her advance team.
- [Carl] Oh, oh
- This is Nina Van Horn.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- And I'm Jack
Gallo, Maya's father.
- Oh, well instead of flowers,
I should've brought a pig.
I'm a student of world cultures,
and in the Solomon Islands
one would bring the
girl's father a pig or pigs
depending on her quality.
I'm sure Maya's a 20-pig woman.
Of course if it doesn't work
out, you owe me a goat.
- He's perfect for her.
- So what's Maya like?
I know from her profile
that she's really smart
and a hater of evil.
- I was in a hurry, and I didn't
know what her hobbies were.
- Anyway, yes Maya
is a hater of evil,
and she's very well-read.
- Entire books, big ones.
- And she's concerned with
the environment, politics,
but what I really
want to emphasize
is my daughter's
an old-fashioned girl.
She likes to take
things very, very slow.
- [Maya] Wrong,
you and me is wrong.
- [Elliot] Oh,
you're right, wrong.
- [Maya] It was wrong before.
- [Elliot] And it's still wrong.
Oh, very wrong.
- Maya, there's something
different about you.
What is it?
- Nothing.
- No, it's like you had an
intense physical experience,
then couldn't sleep and
then used a cheap conditioner.
Finch, what's
different about Maya?
- Different about Maya, hm.
Not the hair.
Shoes I've seen.
- Something is
definitely different.
- Stop it!
How would you like it if
everyone was just staring
at you all day?
- Like it, why do you
think I dress this way?
Are you aware that my
bottom is completely numb?
- Hey.
- Hey, hey.
- You took off right
after, you know.
- Yeah, I was
just, it was weird.
But nice.
- Oh, it was more than nice.
But what does it mean?
- Um...
- [Kaylene] Hey, Elliot.
- Hey.
- Hey, Maya.
- Hey.
- Boy, I guess you guys
aren't morning people.
But this should cheer you up.
I brought you some of
those fruit rollies you like.
- Oh, thanks.
- And, drum roll please,
your very own key
to my new apartment.
- [Elliot] Gosh.
- So don't I get a kiss?
- In front of all these people?
- All what people?
It's just Maya.
- That's right, it's just Maya.
- Maya.
- See you later.
You know who would
be perfect for her?
My friend Janice.
- Oh, Jack, look there's an
exhibition of Polynesian kettles
at some museum on Friday.
It would be the perfect
first date for Maya and Carl.
- What if Maya's busy?
(snorting)
Look, Carl's okay, but
I'm not sure he's the one.
- Well, think about it.
A bird in the hand
is worth two if by sea.
- I don't know, he's
not much of a go-getter.
He's more of a sitter-arounder
and reader-too-mucher.
Maybe we should
get another opinion.
- Is this Maya?
- No, this is Dennis,
a friend of Maya's.
- He wanted to meet you too.
- Oh, then it's fair to
say I'm still in the hunt.
Huzzah!
- Alright, settle down.
Dennis.
- Is this Maya.
Okay, it's your first date,
the waiter spills wine on Maya.
What do you do?
- Apologize for
choosing the restaurant,
then spill wine on
myself in a show of unity.
- Aw.
- Okay, you've
taken her to a play.
You discover there's
nudity, but it's tastefully done.
Story related.
Stay or go?
- Apologize for
choosing the play.
If she decides to stay,
I make it perfectly clear
with my body language
that I am in no way aroused.
- Favorite Sondheim musical?
- I'm going to
shock you, Passion.
- And we are done.
- Can I take another
crack at the first one?
- No.
Will you excuse us a moment?
- Certainly, certainly.
Is this far enough?
Too far?
- That's great.
No, right there, buddy.
You're the man.
Lose him.
- What?
- He's a dishrag.
Who needs someone that
desperate for approval?
- I think you're
completely right, Dennis.
- I am?
Thank you, Jack.
- Alright, let's
get this over with.
Carl?
Carl, I don't know how to say
this so I'm just gonna say it.
Dennis?
- Okay, Carl, here's the deal.
You fought a good
fight, but it's over.
- What did I do wrong?
- Pretty much everything.
You might want to
rethink the whole package.
- Guess I should
just be leaving.
Unless this is part of the test,
the part where I stand
my ground, assert myself,
and claim what
is rightfully mine.
- No.
- Right.
- Okay, I know that was
a little weird out there,
but now we're
alone, so let's talk.
Last night was great.
You were a little bossy,
but I gotta say I dig that.
- Oh, stop it.
Why aren't you at
Kaylene's new apartment
eating her fruit rollies which
are, by the way, 0% fruit.
- Maya, I can't...
- There's more
fruit in the wrapper.
- Maya, just let
me say one thing.
- I refuse to be
the other woman!
- Alright, you go ahead.
- I watched women move in on
my father when he was married,
and I found them
cheap and slutty.
And now I find myself
cheap and slutty.
And that is a pretty
hard thing to find.
- It wasn't like that.
- It was exactly like that!
You're with Kaylene,
and I slept with you.
Where's the part where I'm
not cheap and slutty, huh?
Where is it?
- Maya, alright,
alright, alright.
We're all adults so let's deal
with the situation as adults.
If I break up with Kaylene,
would you be my girlfriend?
- What are you,
weighing your options?
You don't wanna quit your job
before you got
another one lined up?
- No, that's not
what I'm saying.
It's just that there's Kaylene,
and if last night was
a one-time thing...
- One time thing?
Stop calling me a slut.
And what is all of this Kaylene,
Kaylene all of a sudden?
Yesterday, she was
busting up your beret room,
and now she's your
reason for living.
- Hey, you know, just stop
using my words against me.
See, this is why men
never share their feelings,
because women always remember.
- You slept with me because
you have a commitment problem.
You used me.
- Oh, please.
Please, you used me because
you're tired of going home
to your Lifetime Channel
and your soup for one.
- Okay, no more talking.
- Hey, we're not
in the car anymore.
- Yeah, and we never will be
again so just get out of here,
go make your life with
Kaylene and her fake fruit rollies
and her preferential
doctor parking.
- Fine, fine, but not
because you told me.
- Oh, bite me!
- Once again, we're
not in the car anymore!
- You do realize you're
not discovering France?
- I'm changing my plans.
I'm leaving for
Provence tonight.
- Tonight, why?
- Because the weather is
good and the dollar is strong,
and there's no reason
for me to stay here.
- Hey, Junior, you're
not going anywhere.
Where's the double
knot in your canteen, huh?
Look at that bed roll.
One gust of wind, and
it's E.T. phone home.
This fanny pack,
it's not a tail.
Cinch it up, show
some pride out there.
- Shut up.
- Okay, get my cheese?
- Maya, are you alright?
- Yes, of course.
- Well, you look like you
had an emotionally draining
experience and then chose
an unflattering eye shadow.
- I lost my damn passport,
and when I find
it, I'm out of here.
Away from this magazine
and makeup and men.
There's a little knob that's
pressing right into my spine!
- That is your flare gun, mam.
- [Elliot] Maybe we should
talk in here, Kaylene.
- So what's goin' on?
- This is so hard.
Okay, you're terrific, no
question, but when I imagine
myself with someone special,
I'm imagining someone else.
- I'm listening.
- See, first I thought I was
just afraid of commitment,
you know, then when I picture
myself with this other person
the fear isn't there,
mostly, mostly.
- Wait a second, you're
leaving me for another woman?
- No, see, she doesn't want me,
but I can't stay with you
as long as I feel this way.
- Wow.
- [Elliot] Are you okay?
- I mean, you think
you know someone,
and then you discover that
he's completely delusional.
- Excuse me?
- Good luck with
the other woman.
Oh, and let her know that
your children will be insane.
(metallic clinking)
- [Maya] Damn it.
- Maya?
- Found my passport.
- And sorry about
the cold feet before.
Okay, she's right down there.
- You aren't going with me?
- We don't want it
to look like a setup.
- But it is a setup.
- But we don't want
it to look like one.
Come on, Carl,
this is zero hour.
Stay with me, boy.
- Locked and loaded sir.
- Right.
- My tummy feels funny.
- Don't panic.
Just keep in mind she can
be a little standoffish at first.
(moaning)
- [Maya] Oh, this is less wrong.
- [Elliot] Oh, much less wrong.
- [Maya] So much less
wrong it's actually right.
- [Elliot] Oh, it's very right.
- [Maya] It's good to be right!
- [Elliot] Very good.
- [Maya] You good.
You right.
- [Elliot] We're good together.
♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you
♪ Keeps bringing me home
♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do
♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of its own
♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you