Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 3, Episode 16 - Hostess to Murder - full transcript

Maya's plan for a murder mystery theme party backfire when a grouchy neighbor dies on her doorstep.

Nina, do you have the time?

Time? Why don't you
just come out and say it?


You want to know who
my secret boyfriend is.

Well, you're not gonna
find out. Not now, not ever.

Maya, what time
is the... 7:00 sharp.

Oh, you're the safari hunter.

What's happening?

Nina, here.

It's your character for my
murder mystery dinner tonight.

Oh, thank God. I thought
it was a subpoena.

You're the bastard son
of the wealthy land baron.

And you're the bitchy
daughter of a wealthy publisher.

No, it's your character for
my murder mystery dinner.

Oh, by the way, it's
set in 1883 not 1853,

so you may have to
adjust your costumes.

But I know it's last minute,
so I won't get all anal about it.

Anyway, you guys psyched?

I'll be psyched if
you say "anal" again.

Maya, about tonight,
there's this Armani party...

Oh, you're not
gonna back out now.

You agreed to this months ago.

Well, no offense, Maya,

but that's when we thought that
asteroid was headed toward the Earth.

Well, forgive me.

I just thought, for once, instead of
sitting around some vacuous party

gossiping about the
same old nothing,

it would be nice to
spend an evening

doing something
intellectual and stimulating.

Hmm, intellectual
and stimulating.

I could read Shakespeare
while you spank me.

What? I'm a bastard.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Maya, I've been
thinking about this,

and I can't attend your party.

I wish I could explain
more, but I can't.


All right, I'm dating
Derek. Don't hate me.

Who's Derek?

Oh, believe me,

if I could go back in time
and change all of this, I would.

Derek, the model?

Oh, we only went out a
couple of times two years ago.

Here, bring him.

Oh, I see.

You just want to get
him back into your nest

so you can sink
your claws into him.


Maya, as my mother always said,

"Stay away from my man."

Oh, Dad, here's the cards for my
murder mystery dinner for you and Allie.

Oh, Allie can't make it.

Why not?

Maya, she gets embarrassed.

Why? We're all
gonna be in costume.

No, embarrassed for you.

Well, it's her loss. But
you're still coming, right?

You're the country preacher.

Country preacher? I don't
want to be some fruity preacher.

Let Elliott do it.

Hey, I'm the safari hunter.

What? Him? I wanna
be the safari hunter.

You can't. You're having
tea with the ladies' auxiliary.

Hey, it just so happens

once I stared directly into
the steely eyes of a white tiger.

Yeah, in Vegas, at
Siegfried and Roy.

Hey, working with
those two guys,

those cats can
get pretty bitchy.

Okay. So, we're gonna
be there by 7:00, right?

I don't know, Maya.

Oh, come on,
Elliott. It's gonna rock.

Everyone from accounts
payable is gonna be there.

Oh, boy.

Elliott... All right.

The safari hunter will be there.


Dude, I'm seriously not going.

Friday night is date night,

and there's always some chick
that gets stood up at the bar.

Bye, Maya. Everything's
taken care of.

I'll be over at 5:00 to set up.

Okay, thanks, Megan.

Hmm, who that?

Oh, that's the
caterer from the party.

She's going to be dressed
as the French chambermaid.

Ooh la la, I'll be there.

8:00 sharp.


Oh, our first guest
is here! And it's...

Glenn from accounts payable!
Where're the rest of the guys?

Oh, the new Quicken
comes out tomorrow

and they're camping out
in front of Software City.

Oh, that's too bad.


MAN: Quiet out there!

Oh, my stupid neighbor.

Anyway, you're here, and
your costume looks so authentic.


Although the buttons aren't real
whalebone. Keep it on the Q.T.?



Good eve, Sir
Roger Prosper Beeks.

I'm Dame Astrid
Meecham McMarkle.

Welcome to our
peaceful country estate.

MAN: Keep it down! Shut up!

Oh, Sir Roger, this is
Larry, our game coordinator.

Is this phone working?

I think so. I'll see.

No, no, no! I left this
number for my agent.

He's supposed to call me

as soon as he finds out if I
got a part on this new soap.

So, exactly how do we...

Destiny's Children. It's
supposed to be very good.

They're using a lot of
General Hospital people.

Great. So...

Acting on a soap
isn't selling out,

so get that holier-than-thou
look off your face.

No. That's not what...

I'm just doing this to keep
up my health care benefits

and finish the work
on my deviated septum.

I lived hard in the '80s.
It's a real mess in there.


I'll be right back.

Here we are!

Hey, Finch, you look great.

Yeah, I feel like Mr. Peanut.

Dad, you were supposed
to be the country preacher.

(STUTTERING) I don't think so.

What are you doing, Jack? I'm
supposed to be the safari hunter.

Oh, are you? There was so
much confusion back at the office.

There was no confusion!

There you go again,
talking in riddles.

Hello there, fair maiden.

I am Nigel, son
of Lord Nidderdale.

And a real bastard.

I'm Jeanette, the indentured
French chambermaid.

I'm sorry. Could you
repeat that for me?

I'm Jeanette, the indentured
French chambermaid.

I... I'm sorry, one more time.

Oh, Jeanette!

Excuse me, my Lord.


Banger? That's the plan.


Hello, Maya.

Oh, great, more trash.

I knew bringing you was
a bad idea. We'll leave.

No, no, no, no.
It's... It's my neighbor.

He keeps putting his
trash by my front door.

Doctor Linus Von Pox,
Grub Street physician.

Nice to meet you, Doctor.

Maya, it's me, Derek.

Nice to see you again.

Whoa, down girl.

Let's get this thing
over with, shall we?

It's time, it's time.

Yes, yes, yes.

It is time for mystery,
betrayal and revenge.

Before this night is done,
one person will be murdered

and another will be
revealed as the killer.

It is truly a night to die for.





Okay, who is the safari hunter?

BOTH: I am.

We can't have
two safari hunters.

Fine. You're the safari hunter.

I'm the guy at the Armani party.

Oh, come on, Elliott. We'll
just get you another identity.

All right, all I have left is the
warden of an insane asylum.

Fine, whatever.

And you'll need your pistol.


Look, Jack, a pistol.

Who cares? I'm
the safari hunter.

Let me hold it. Hold
it. Stop, stop, stop.

All right. Now this
is very important.

Every time you
hear this bell ring...


you look at your next card.

If you have something to
reveal, read your card out loud.

Listen closely to
everyone's clues

and try to solve the
mystery if you dare.



Oops, I'm also a
massage therapist.

Okay, any questions?

Yeah, how long do
these things last?

Oh, are you going
to the Armani party?

Yeah, everyone's gonna be there.

What Armani party?

I'll be meeting
Allie there at 10:00.

Can we get a ride?

Hey, are you talking
about the Armani party?

What Armani party?

Come on, you guys. This is gonna be
better than some stupid industry party.

This is a night of violence,
betrayal and sexual intrigue.

Have you ever been
to an Armani party?

All I'm saying is give it a
chance. You might have a little fun.

All right. Fine.

But, you guys, you
have to really get into it.

This is the advanced
version of the game,

with lots of twists and turns.

So it's not gonna work unless
everyone here gets into character

and stays in character
the whole night. Okay?

You know what? She's right.

From here on in, I'm the
warden of an insane asylum,

Royster C. Hedgepeth.

And I am Sir Roger
Prosper Beeks. Safari hunter.

And I am Fanny
Chuzzlewit Sheets.

And you are?

I'm Jeanette, the indentured
French chambermaid.

Okay, shall we begin?

MAYA: Let's!


You arrive by
horse-drawn carriage

to the drawing room
of Uppington Manor.


It is 8:00 p.m.
on a foggy night.


It is Saturday,
January 12, 1883...

A thousand years after
the death of the dinosaur.

This was the time of wizards.

You are gathered before
dinner in the drawing room.

There is a clap of thunder.


Do you wanna do this?

Sorry, I'm a little hopped
up. I had a Yoo-hoo in the cab.

A gust of wind blows out the
candles. Suddenly, in the darkness...


I'll get it!

Give me some good news, Murray,

I'm surrounded by idiots here.

Oh, geez. Okay, I'll tell her.

Your neighbor says
he's calling the cops.

God! I'll be right back.

I'm sorry to break out of
character for just one moment,

but, I mean, who's
having the best time ever?

Professor Gladstone...

Myra, will you
stop all that noise?

Why don't you go
back to Puerto Rico?

Professor Gladstone,
if you would just listen...

No, you listen! You
are a mean lady.

If you make any more noise,
I am going to call the police.

No, you listen! You
are a mean guy!

And I'm tired of you putting
your garbage in front of my door.

And I am tired of you
telling me to be quiet.

And I am tired of
living next to you!

MAYA: Professor Gladstone?

Oh, my God. He's dead.

Boy, this thing's pretty real.


I can't believe he's dead.

Good lord.

Go in and tell everyone what
happened. I'll call for help.

You got it.

Okay, everybody, the
dead body's next door.

Next door? He's
supposed to be over here.

Oh, never hire someone just
'cause you want to nail his sister.


Out of my way!

Talk to me, Murray,
I'm dying here.

Larry? Uh-huh. Yeah.

Larry? Larry?

Hold on. What?

Although the telephone
was invented by 1883,

its use was restricted
exclusively to commercial venues.

We should disconnect it.

Listen, if you
ever try that again

while I'm on the
phone with my agent,

I'll rip off your skull and
use it as a prop in Hamlet.

Which I will be doing this
summer at the Westbury Music Fair.

Everybody, I'm sure you've
heard there's been a tragedy.

My neighbor, Professor
Gladstone, is dead.

But please stay calm while I go
downstairs to wait for the police.

Can you handle things
here for a few minutes?

Yes, of course. Thank you.


You heard Dame
Astrid. Turn your cards.

Oh, me, me, me.

"As a physician,

"I am very eager to examine
the body for signs of foul play."

"As the warden of the
insane asylum, I know this,

"the last person to
see this man alive

"was Sir Roger,
the safari hunter."

"Sir Roger, the safari hunter."

Where are we?
Oh, for God's sake.

Right here. "He's
dead, he's dead."

Oh. Right. "He's
dead, he's dead!"

Sorry, sorry, that's me.

I've been poisoned!


Another dead body?

Well, remember what Maya said.

It's the advanced
version. Twists and turns.

"I have an alibi.

"I was in the stables all
afternoon, brushing my polo pony."

"That's right. I was with him."

You were?

"Yes, we were making
sweet angry love

"while your father was
hunting on the moors.

"Perhaps later you
can join me outside.

"We can start a
fire and be naughty."

Well, as luck would have it,

I just received a
fresh delivery of wood.

The police aren't here yet.

I still can't believe it.

One second he's fine,
the next he's dead.

"I just came back from Kenya
where I learned hypnosis."


"There is a secret door between Sir
Roger's bedroom and the butler's pantry."

"I'm addicted to morphine."

This isn't part of the game.
My neighbor's really dead.

I need the phone!

They heard what?

Murray, I am not
difficult to work with.

Who said that?

Oh, well, obviously the first
beating didn't get through to him.

So, what's up?

I'm smoking.

I'll say.

So, why don't we forget
whodunit and go home and do it?

What are you talking about?

I'm here to make
your fantasy come true.

Great. Try not
to land on my car.

What's going on, baby?

You've been sending out
signals ever since I got here.

You didn't happen to notice
that we were all playing parts

and reading off
the cards, did you?

Oh, you can't fake
our kind of chemistry.

We're like magnets
with privates.

This is so demeaning. I never
should have quit stripping.

Hey, wait a minute,
you're Misty Peaks.

Oh God, you're that guy who
always wants change for a dollar.

ALL: Ooh.

DENNIS: Ah, here we go.

"Seeing death
brings on such pain.

"If only I had the sweet
escape of morphine."

Two bodies. Two bodies.
What could that mean?

Two bodies? I knew they
were working in a new corpse.

This job sucks. I'm
going back to stripping.

What... What are you doing?

Why is he here? Don't touch him!


"I need to remove
the victim's shoes

"and examine them
in my laboratory."


"What's the matter, Dame Astrid?

"Afraid we'll discover that you and
the corpse share a common birthmark?"

No! Derek, stop it!

This is my neighbor,
Professor Gladstone.

Professor Gladstone. The one who
put the garbage in front of your door?

The one who annoyed you?

Yes, yes. This is him.

Looks like you have a motive.


No. I'm serious!
He's really dead.


"Well, well, well. You sound
like you have something to hide,

"Dame Astrid Meecham McMarkle."

I'm not Dame
Astrid! That's right.

You're really Fraulein
Hilda Heiseldorf of Munich!

ALL: Ahh.

"Who once served time in my asylum
for unspeakable acts of insanity."

This is so great.

I'm gonna black out.

No! Stop it! This is
not part of the dinner!

No. Tonight, murder
was the appetizer.

That's not on a
card, I made that up.


Gadzooks, his pockets
are full of crackers!

It's all adding up.

No, Derek, this is wrong.

Oh, my God, stop. Listen
to what she's saying.

Oh, finally.

This is wrong.

Oh, I should never have
stolen Derek from you.

I mean, just look at him.
You're perfect for each other.

And they're still warm!

MAYA: Oh, God!


Hey, there's the bell.
What's your card say?

"Oh, Nigel. I'm frightened,
so very frightened.

"Won't you push your head
between my bosoms and comfort me?"

How awkward. But if
it says so on the card...


"And my buttocks, sir. They're
so very cold. Won't you cup them?"

Hey, who's making bogus
cards on the laser printer?

Oh, you bastard!

I never claimed to be otherwise.

Sergeant Fanning, NYPD.

We got a call about a dead body.

This way.

Sergeant. Congratulations,
that costume is hideous.

All right, what happened here?


"I've been having an affair
with the deceased for 12 years,

"and I couldn't
stand to lose him.

"You knew, and
you were jealous."

"You whore! You
accuse me of murder,

"just because I perform grotesque
experiments on poor lunatics?

"You're the one
who's killed before.

"A world-class swimmer doesn't
just drown in his own bidet!"


"You've got a nerve,
coming back here

"after you shot my
elephant, you fiend!"

What are you, an idiot?

Okay, everybody stop playing.
This is not part of the game!

All right, who's in charge here?

Officer, Dr. Linus Von Pox.


You, quiet. You, start talking.

Thank you.

I have tasted this
man's warm crackers,

and now I would like to take
his shoes to my laboratory.

Are you on drugs?

Yes, sir. Morphine.

Officer, I can explain everything
if we can all just calm down.

Ah! Screw show
business! Screw this job!

I swear I'm gonna murder
my agent. Let me have my gun.

Drop the gun! Get out of my way.

I said drop it.

Hey! Let me go!

Hey, careful, man.

So Larry did it.

Wow, I did not see this coming.

Maya, we owe you an apology.

This was the
greatest party ever.

Okay, everybody
listen very carefully.

While I greatly appreciate the enthusiasm
you all have displayed this evening,

the murder mystery is over.

This is a real cop.

And Larry is in real pain.


But most importantly, Professor
Gladstone is actually dead!

In real life! Real life!

Is everybody with me? Does
everybody finally understand?


"She's gone mad from syphilis!"



You're on a deserted
tropical island.

You're lying all alone
on a beautiful beach.

Man, Larry, you
sure got the touch.

As a warm breeze
caresses your face,

you feel all your worries
and cares slowly...


Talk to me, Murray. I'm
knee-deep in lard here.