Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 3, Episode 22 - Shaking Private Trainer - full transcript

Hey, remember that
horrible screenplay I read

a couple months ago
for my friend Ashley?

No. Not really.

Yeah, sure you do. The one about the golden
retriever with the bomb in its brain,

that gets loose on the subway?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it was called Stay.

That's it. Well, get this.

It just sold for $650,000!

No kidding.


I mean, I love Ashley.
Couldn't be happier for her.

But she's not even a
writer. She's a geneticist.

And an average one at that.

She wrote that script as a lark at
her stupid summer house in Nantucket

with her stupid husband and
her two stupid, ugly children.

I hope Ashley knows how lucky
she is to have a friend like you.

She's so stupid,
she probably doesn't.

Good morning, Jack.
How was the weekend?


I had a little mishap when I
took Hannah to Tots and Tubes.

Why? What happened?

Well, we were playing hide
and seek like we do normally...

Five, six, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten. Ready
or not, here I come!

Gonna getcha! Hannah Banana.

I'm comin' to getcha!

Comin' to getcha. Yes, I am.

I'm comin'...

My back just locked up. I couldn't
move a muscle. I was completely stuck.

Oh, my God. That's terrible.

It gets worse.

Thanks, kid.

I've never been so humiliated.

I got to get in
shape. Starting today.


Garfield loves lasagna.

Well, no offense, Jack, but
every year you try to get in shape

and every year you just end up
buying the latest rowing machine.

You use it once
and throw it away.

I don't throw it away. I give
it to my nanny, Consuela,

who, thanks to me, can now row across
the Gulf of Mexico like it was a lap pool.

Well, if you're really
serious this time,

there's this personal trainer at the gym
downstairs who's supposed to be dynamite.

Huh, personal trainer.

Yeah, he has a crush on me, but I'm
not interested and I don't know why.

Anyway, I could introduce you.

Is he good?

Well, he's a former Navy Seal.

I guarantee you, Jack, in no time,
he'll have you doing a six-minute mile.

Please, Jack couldn't do a six-minute
mile if you pushed him out of an airplane.

Dagwood is always hungry.

Jack, this is Craig, the
personal trainer I told you about.

Oh, hi, Craig.
Thanks for coming in.

Pleasure to meet you, sir!

Miss Van Horn, I was wondering if later
maybe you'd like to join me for a smoothie?

Well, that's a colorful way of
putting it, but the answer is no.

So, Craig. I know
you're a busy guy.

Let me tell you
about my situation...

No, sir, let me tell you. You wanna
get in shape, but you can't self-motivate.

Exactly. As a boss,

you make your own rules,
yet you need to be pushed!


You are an older father and are worried
about keeping up with the younger guys!

Hey, you're better than that guy
who bends spoons on Merv Griffin.

You're hired. Not so fast, sir.

I don't take on every
client that comes my way.

How committed are you?

Very. Not good enough!

Tell you what.

I'm gonna write you a check for
the whole year's worth of sessions.

How's that for commitment?

I am not impressed
with your money, sir.

Well, maybe you'll
be impressed by this.



I want you to throw out
every donut in this building.

What about cinnamon buns?

Did I say cinnamon buns?

Call me when
you're serious, sir.

Hey, Craig, listen to me.

I request...

No, I demand that you
push me into fighting shape.

That you allow me no excuses.

That no matter what I
say, no matter how I beg,

you will not let up on
me. Do you understand?

Yes, sir. I can't hear you!

Yes, sir! We will
start at 5:30 tomorrow.

5:30? What about 5:00?

Very good, sir! I shall see
you at the crack of dawn.

Good God, you mean the morning?

Hey, ready to go?

What? Come on, dinner.

That acrobat restaurant we talked
about. Come on, we gotta hurry.

For happy hour, they shoot
the wine steward out of a cannon.

Yeah. At least once a week
he misses the net. Come on.

Oh, no. You guys, I'm
sorry. I forgot all about it.

I just got to working on my
screenplay and I lost track of time.

Oh, you're actually
gonna write one, huh?


What's it about?

Ah, can I trust you?

As long as you're not drunk
and wearing a tube top.

It's about a cop
with a troubled past

who plays by his own rules.

Oh, you mean like, ah,
Lethal Weapon and Serpico

and 48 Hrs. And
Dirty Harry and...

No, no, no. It's not
like any of those.

My guy works at night.

Why? I don't know.

He doesn't make the
schedule, his sergeant does.

I thought you said he
played by his own rules.

Well, I haven't
worked it all out yet!

Okay, okay. Hey, it sounds
good. Come on, Finch.

He should be a vampire.

Who? Your cop.

That's why he only works at night.
He has to solve crime by morning.

All right, see ya. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

If he's a vampire,

he would have to drink people's blood.
That would make him a bad guy, right?

Um, not if he drinks the blood
of the killers he catches. See ya.

No, no. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!

Don't you want to stay and
sort of help me out a little bit?

No. Finch, seriously,
I'm starving.

If you're not coming,
I'm leaving without you.

Thanks for understanding.

No, wait, but I'm hungry.

We'll order in.

Oh, I see what you're doing. Trying to soak
me for ideas. Well, guess what, sister?

It doesn't work that way.

Finch, think of all the women
you can tell you're a screenwriter.

Too late. I already do.

When we finish, I'll make
you dinner in a tube top.


There he is! The workout king!

Nothing like a little exercise to make
you feel like a million bucks, huh?

You know what? I
already got a million bucks.

Fire Craig.

Me? Why me? I don't even
like him. I don't know why.

Well, I know why
I don't like him.

He chased me across Central
Park with a bullhorn this morning,

motivational obscenities.

Well, why don't you
just fire him yourself?

Because I'll look like a quitter
if I fire him, and I'm no quitter.

But aren't you, in
fact, now quitting?

No, I'm calling a
truce, cutting my losses.

It's actually quite noble.

How can a vampire
go to the Treasury

Department if it's only
open during the day?

Solar eclipse.

Oh, that's good.
That's very good.


Hey, what are you
guys talking about?

Um, our screenplay.


Yeah, we're writing it together.

Since when?

Ah, since last night.
He's amazing...

No. She's amazing. No.

I just react. You're the
heart and soul of this project.

Hey, if you want, I can help.

Ah, no, that's, that's okay.

No, hey, I got a lot of good
ideas, and I tend to think visually.

My eye is a thousand
times better than Finch's.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Give the villain
a thousand eyes?

Bingo! Come on.

Good morning, Miss Van Horn.

Craig. Where you going?

I have recon with Mr. Gallo.

Oh, no. That's not
gonna happen, Craig.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who
doesn't want to get sweaty with you.

Why don't I want to
get sweaty with you?

Ma'am, that is a question I
ask myself each and every night,

as I weep into my
pillow like a sad little boy.

Now if you'll excuse me, I
need to recon with Mr. Gallo.

You don't understand,
Craig. He quit.

Negative, we are in the
middle of a scheduled workout.

Look, I'm sorry, but I
can't let you in there.

Still nothing.

Sorry, friend. Let
me handle this, Nina.

Mr. Gallo's
office is off-limits.

Unacceptable! I have a mission.

Look, if he says he's
unavailable, he's unavailable.

No, you look. I train politicians,
CEOs, movie producers.

I cannot be intimidated
by the likes of you.

Did you say "movie producers"?

Yeah, I did.

You know, I happen to have a
really hot project going right now.

It's real hush-hush and
I'd love to get it in the hands

of someone with the
juice to make it happen.

If you facilitate your
boss' fitness regimen,

I will put you in a room with a
very powerful Hollywood producer.

All right, tell him you
hit me with the phone.

All right, sir, let's get back
at it. Let's go, let's go, let's go.


Oh. I gave you my word that I
would restore you to full fitness,

and that is exactly
what I intend to do.

Very good. Dennis.

I tell you what. For every
mile you run, I will run 40.

For every pushup, I will do 40.
That is my 40-to-1 promise to you!

Great. I miss one workout, you
miss 40. See you in six weeks.

I will do everything in
my power to inspire you.

On our runs, I will circle
you like a border collie.

When you are hurting, I will snap
my wrists in half to feel similar pain.

In fact, sir, if I snap my wrists
right now, would that inspire you?

Because I will do it!

Slam the drawer, sir!
Snap my wrists in two!

Anybody! Anybody at all!

Snap them, sir! Snap them!

Break my wrist like
you broke your promise!

Okay. Okay. Stop
that! I'll go to the gym.

You'll what? I'll go to the gym.

That's the breakthrough I
was looking for! That is the stuff!

Welcome back, sir. And may I
say, I will never give up on you.


Well, let's just... Never! Oh!

Hey. You working?

No, we're making a cake.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You don't have to
sound so sarcastic.

Oh, no, no. It's a catch
phrase from our movie.


Hmm, what kind of
catch phrase is that?

He would make the
perfect Lieutenant Scagnetti.

Oh, my God, totally.

He's a psycho. Oh, my God.

Hey, Nina.

Elliott, the funniest
thing just happened.

What? I was talking on the
phone with my friend Binnie,

when she accidentally dropped
her cell phone out of her moving limo.

Go on.

Seriously? Yeah. Yeah.

Why are you suddenly
so interested in my stories?

What do you mean?
I love your stories.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Oh, poor Elliott.
Feeling all left out

of Finch and
Maya's little project.

I am not. Who cares
about their stupid movie?

Oh, listen. I know what it
feels like to be an outsider.

I tell you what,

let's go and have
lunch. Just me and you.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Yeah, Nina, let's go to lunch!

Um, hey, could you
guys keep it down?

Finch and I have a really important
meeting and we need to work.

Oh, I'm sorry. Nina was just
telling me the funniest story.

Binnie dropped her
cell phone out of a limo,

and this nice stockbroker picked it
up and now I have a date with him.

That's the perfect way for Heather to
meet the outlaw vampire in the first act.

Get in here.

What about lunch?

Oh, that is so sweet. I'll take a
cobb salad. What about you guys?

- Club sandwich.
- Corned beef.


Nina, I need your help.

I'll say. You look like a
gay European pop star.

I couldn't change my
shirt. I just worked out,

and I can't lift my arms.
Listen, do me a favor.

Sure, Jack.

Take Craig out
tonight barhopping,

and get him so drunk he blacks
out so he won't show up tomorrow.

Jack, you can't just ask me to
change all my plans at the last second.

Why, what else are you doing?

Well, all right! I guess
he can tag along.


I can't believe we're meeting
with a real live Hollywood producer.

Now settle down, Jethro.

Oh, when you pitch the warehouse
scene, do Lieutenant Castro's voice.

Fangs or no fangs,
I want your badge.

I just got chills. Yeah.

Remember your ad-libs.

Oh, yeah, got 'em
right here. Good.

Hey, you guys. I
thought of a great slogan

for your Vampire Cop
movie. Ready? Get this.

"Sometimes justice
bites." Catchy, huh?

Umm, not now.

Thank you. We've got it.

You know what?
Vampire Cop sucks.

Actually, that one I like.

I'll make a card.

Hello, gorgeous. Hey,
hot shot. I'm Charlie Gold.

It's really him!

Maya, be cool. Be cool.

We really appreciate you
meeting with us, Mr. Gold.

Hey, baby, it's my pleasure.
My trainer says you are aces,

and thanks to him, I am
as strong as a freakin' ox.

Go on, punch me in the stomach.

Oh, no, that's okay.

Maya, you're embarrassing
us. Punch the man. Hit him hard.

Oh, it's just as well. The last
time I got punched by a dame,

I ended up marrying
her and losing my home.

Am I a sucker for
a beautiful woman?

You better bet I am.

You ever do any acting, doll?

I was the original Nicholas
on Eight is Enough.

The bangs... So,
what's good here?

Do they have duck?

I tell you, if I could have
duck with every meal, I would.

I'd eat duck for breakfast. I'd eat
it for lunch. I'd eat duck for dinner.

It would all be duck.

Duck's good. Yeah.

You know who else loved duck?

Angie Dickinson.

Wow, what a woman.

I remember once we
were driving to Atlantic City.

Was I angry about being trashed
in the pages of Life magazine?

You better bet I wasn't.

You know why? Because
it made me stronger.

It gave me the steel
clackers to succeed.

And baby, when they
strip away everything else,

that is all you got in
this life. Is your clackers.


Mr. Gold... Please,
call me Gold.

Okay. Gold. Um,

it's getting kind of late and we
really have to be getting back to work,

so maybe we should get started.

Oh, yeah. Whatever you want, babe.
You know, 9:00 to 5:00 was never my bag.

I just go where the
magic takes me.

So, okay. Let's hear what
you got. I'm in a buying mood.

All right. Okay, are you
ready? It's called Vampire...


No, I've seen it.
What else you got?

Tube Top Fever?

It's a plight of a
woman and her two...

Morning, ma'am. Oh.

With all the drinking we did last
night, I'm sure you feel as bad as I do.

Yes, why do bars have to close?

Did you end up finding
your shoes at the club?

Ah, no, ma'am. I taped some
napkins to my feet and walked home.

Hey, are you okay?
You look terrible.

I am not gonna lie to you, sir.

I enjoyed a night on
the town with Miss Van


Look, Craig, if you're not feeling
well, we can work out another time.

Negative. You will
work out as scheduled.

I was thinking.

I want to take you up on that
40-to-1 promise you made, today.

Today? You betcha.

Say, how do sit-ups sound?

Well, actually...

Terrific. Okay, here we go.

And, one. And, two.

Okay, now you do 80.

Reach down deep, Craig.

Look, if you don't feel up
to this, Craig, just say so.

I will not quit on you, sir.

And, one,

two, three... Say, you don't mind
if I have a little snack, do you?

Four, five... Whoa. Hey, do you
think this egg salad's gone bad?



You know what, Craig? I
think I got another one in me.

And, one. Okay,
now you do 40 more.

Oh, God, I can't go on, sir!

Boy, you and Nina
really tied one on, huh?

Oh, yeah, and I
have let you down.

I feel sorrow from
the bottom of my heart.

Dear Lord, my nipple's pierced!

Where does that
chain go to? Oh! Oh!

Where you going?

I feel a little upset right now.

Oh, is it because
I won't date you?

Listen, I wish I could tell you
why, but I don't even know myself.

Huh, I'm complex.

Ma'am, I have failed.

I have disgraced myself, the Navy,
and the good Noodleman name.


That used to be my last
name. Where you from?

Colby, Kansas.

Good, God. Who's
your pappy? Bud.

Holy smokes, we're cousins!



You did what?

And put your face all the way under
the water? I'm so proud of you, Hannah.

This summer, we'll go
swimming at the beach all the time.

Of course I'll give you horse-y
rides just like Jessica's daddy.

All the way from the
pier to the lighthouse?

That's pretty far.

Okay, honey, you
can count on Daddy.

Love you. Bye.

Dennis, did Craig leave yet?

No, he's throwing up in a plant.

Well, clean him up and
get him back in here.

I gotta get in shape.

As you see, it's just a simple
tale of an outsider betrayed

by the very people
he trusted the most.

Let me ask you this, does
he play by his own rules?

You better bet he does.

I'm intrigued. I like it. Yeah.

But I have to do it my way.

My vision cannot be compromised.

What if... What if he was a
talking horse from the future?

Even better.