Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 1, Episode 1 - Back Issues - full transcript

Bill, hi. It's Maya Gallo.

Do you really want
to start tonight's news off

with a story on strippers?

You do.

What would I lead with?

Well, call me crazy,

but it is
election night.

Yes, I do know
that you're the news director.

Thank you for list...ening.

Could this job get any worse?

Who wrote this garbage?



"New York city police officials

report
a decrease in gang violence"?

That would be my garbage.

As I have told you
over and over again,

it should be,

"New York city
police officials

"tell me

gang violence
is down."

That way,
I am involved in the story.

You know, you're right.

People would love to see you
involved in gang violence.

Is that a joke at my expense?

It is, isn't it?

Okay,



you seem to be forgetting

that I have been
doing TV news

for more
than two years.

How about you?

Eight years.

Whatever.

Just make the changes

and send them
to the TelePrompTer now.

Okay, I'm sorry, Christy,
you're right.

She wants new copy.

I'll send her new copy.

Sending new copy
to TelePrompTer.

Hey, you know
what might be really fun?

Let's watch Christy
and her new copy.

I guess
even the life of strippers

can be a grind.

Christy?

New hope
in the city's war on gangs.

Police officials
tell me

gang violence
is down

since last year.

They tell me
they credit the decrease

to the removal of
the frontal lobe of my brain...

And in a related story,
I wet myself.

Paul.

Thank you, Christy.

Well, the state
of New York...

Hey.
Hey.

I'm glad you're home.
Great news.

Me too.

Okay, you first.

No, you first.

Okay, I had
this job interview-

Okay, yeah.
No, okay, it's got to be me.

Okay, there I am
in the teacher's lounge,

eating my raisins,

when in walks the beautiful
Miss Shieldmeyer...

You know, the new gym teacher.

So I take
a deep breath,

and I ask her out.

And she says yes?

I guess that would have made
a better story.

What's your news?

Well,

I had a job interview today-
Newsweek.

So I go to
the dry cleaners,

and I realize

I'm down to my last eight bucks.

I had to pick one outfit
right then and there

and leave
the rest of the clothes behind.

It was like Sophie's Choice,
only with pants.

I know.
That is sad.

So I show up to the interview
now dead broke,

and...I got the job.

Yeah, baby.

Oh, that's so great.

I know.

Now I can go
and free my sweaters.

Oh, yeah, so when do you get
your first paycheck?

Well, technically,
I don't have the job yet,

but this woman and I,
we had tons in common.

I mean,
even our names go together-

Maya, April,

April, Maya.

Get it?

April...

Maya.

Yeah, we even hugged
when I left.

This April?

"Checked your references.
No, thanks."

But we hugged.

You don't want to work
for a hugger.

They wrinkle your clothes.

God, you know,

you make one anchorwoman cry
on the air,

and all of a sudden,
you've got an attitude.

You know what?

I'm just gonna put this

out there.

You could always-

I'm not gonna go
see my father.

Why would you?

He's never been
there for me.

That's my point.

I haven't even talked to
him since the wedding.

What's there to say?

He married

our high-school
homecoming queen.

What kind of a man
does that?

Ding.

What is a rich man?

Senator Goldwater's
office.

Yes, he still
is elected,

Oh, hi. Uh-huh.

Who?

Who? Who?

Who?

Okay, yeah, sure.
Okay, thanks.

Okay, bye.

Who is it?

That was our landlord.

We're getting evicted
on Friday.

Why are you laughing?

His accent kills me.

Hey, you.

You're an intern, right?

Yes, sir.

I came here to learn
the magazine business.

I go to school
in Wisconsin.

Go, Stinkbugs.

Actually, we're the Badgers.

Oh, imagine my embarrassment.

Now give me your tie.

You-you want my tie?

You got cheese in your ears?
Just fork it.

I spilled coffee
on mine,

and we've got
a fresh cup of models

coming in here
at noon.

Uh, you mean 11:30.

Uh, no, I mean noon.

Then why are the models
already here?

Listen, I'm expecting a call
from a Cindy Crawford.

Yeah, you tell Crawdaddy
I'm a little swamped today,

so dinner's looking iffy.

What if the governor calls?

Uh, take a message.

How about Spiderman?

Ooh,

it looks like one
strayed from the herd.

Hey,

haven't seen you
before.

I just moved here.

Ooh, modeling's a tough biz,

so unfair.

Why does it always come down
to connections?

People you meet,
who you know?

Hi. Dennis Finch.

Let me take a little looksie
through your booksie.

Maybe I can help you out.

Ooh, nice body.

Not that Nightmare
Before Christmas look

that's going around.

Ooh, I like the pout here.

Very naughty.
Shows you can be a bad girl.

Whoa, nude shot. Bad idea.

You get famous, this will
come back to haunt you.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

You don't want this
getting into the wrong hands.

Um...

excuse me.

Excuse me, down here.

Nice shoes. Coming through.

Just a minute.
Hi. I'm-

Blush Magazine.
Hello. I'm Maya.

Well, bye-ya.

Uh, no.
I'm here to see Jack Gallo.

And I'm here
to make sure you don't.

Next time, call
for an appointment.

That way,
I can reject you on the phone.

Then you won't have
to get all...gussied up.

Hello, girls.

Welcome to Blush,

America's
premiere glamour magazine.

I am, of course, Nina Van Horn.

My face appeared
on over 40 covers.

I was the Noxema Gotcha girl.

You know...

Gotcha.

Yeah, well, ask your parents.

So you want to grace
the pages of Blush.

Well, I want my old ass back,

but chances are
that's not gonna happen,

but remember,

just the fact

that you're here
at all

is something
to be proud of.

You'd be amazed

at how many girls
can't find the building.

Okay. This is fun, isn't it?

Uh, thank you, no.

Yes...stay.

No, no.

No-

Honey, I don't know
who your agent is,

but you need to grow six inches,

lose 20 pounds,

and find a hairdresser
who gave up cocaine

with everyone else.

Excuse me.
Do you own this magazine?

No, that would be Mr. Gallo.

And I would be
Mr. Gallo's daughter.

Gotcha.

Well, you're
Jack's daughter.

You babe.

Dennis finch, Jack's
executive assistant,

his right-hand man.

Actually,
he's more like a father to me.

Oh, then you haven't seen him
in a year either.

Oh, let me pull that thorn
out of your paw.

You know, dear,

you can understand
why I didn't recognize you.

I mean, there's virtually
no resemblance.

Go away.

Ah, there it is.

All right.

I need the Versace layout,
the circulation numbers,

and who wrote
this month's sex quiz?

It's too easy.

Well,
when you've been cramming for it

your whole life...

Maya.

Surprise.

Yeah, sure is.

Come on in.

Don't you have a birthday
coming up?

Yeah, in about
11 and a half months.

Good. I was afraid I missed it.

So...

it's been a while.

Yeah, it has.

You changed
your hair.

Yeah, it grew.

So why don't you just say
you hate it,

and we'll move on?

I didn't say I hate it.

Stop looking for trouble.
Sit down.

So how have you been?

Oh, great. Busy.

You know, we have
a terrific hairstylist

here.

This was a bad idea.

No. I'm sorry. Please sit down.

So...how's your mom?

Great.

Still in Palm Springs.

God, with that desert sun,
her skin must look like a belt.

Anyway, I've got to
ask you something-

Hey, Jack,

your lovely wife, line two.

Hold that thought.

Look, a gold slinky.

Hi, Allie.
Guess who's here.

No, besides me.

I'll give you a hint-
your old classmate.

Hiya, Maya.

Aw...

Well, why don't you take it easy
for a while?

What's wrong?

Did she watch one of those sad
after-school specials?

Okay. Love you too.

When are you going

to accept the fact

that Allie and I
are very much in love?

"Very much in love."

Is there a special room
where the models go to throw up?

Here we go.
It's my wedding all over again.

What?

Don't play innocent.

You were heckling
our wedding vows.

You let the woman quote
The Lion King.

That's why I don't hear from you
for a year?

Oh, like you've
ever included me

in your life?

What?

Oh, please.

When you moved to Paris,
I found out on a postcard.

When you got engaged to Allie,

I had to hear about it
from my friend Marcy Kaplan.

She's a sweet girl.
I always liked her.

Yeah, well, you'll have
to marry her someday.

Oh, okay.

Uh, I'm sorry.

I didn't come here to argue.

I came to ask you
something-

Yeah.

Jack, either you fire Nina
or I quit.

This is Elliott DiMauro,

our head
photographer.

Elliott,
my daughter Maya.

Oh, my God.

Oh, your father
never stops talking about you.

Myra this and Myra that.

It's Maya.

Hey, I tried.

May I just say
that Elliott is a moron?

Oh, we were just talking
about you.

What's the problem?

All right, I'm not
going to bias you,

but one of us wants
Lorena for the cover,

while one of us
wants Daniella-

scrawny,
sunken-cheek,

for-God's-sake-
eat-a-sandwich

Daniella.

And do you know why
he wants Lorena?

Elliott,
are you dating this girl?

We happen to have
a lot in common.

She's 20,

she comes from a small village
in Romania,

and the only English word
she knows

is "Pellegrino."

Don't mock
her simple ways.

Look,

Lorena has been,

like, totally
overexposed.

That's because
she sells magazines.

Okay, here's
what we're gonna-

Sorry.

Each of you dummy up a cover,
and I'll decide.

Oh, Jack, Daniella
has cheek bones

for days.

Go away.

Ah, there it is again.

So, anyway, you were saying...

I can't do this.

I never
should've come.

You haven't worked
in three months,

you're broke,
and you can't pay your rent.

How did you know?

You're not the only one
who speaks to Marcy Kaplan.

Look, I'm happy to help.

I just want you to know

how uncomfortable
I am with this.

If there was any way I could
earn this money, I would.

Well, then this is perfect.

I need an article
written by noon tomorrow.

What?

For our relationship column.

You know, something like

"How to Make Any Man
Your Love Slave."

What?

It's a relationship.

Come on, kitten.
This'll be great.

"Kitten"?

Didn't I used
to call you "kitten"?

No.

I call someone "kitten."

Hey, Jack-

Oh, you're still here?

Hey, Jack,

your disturbingly hot wife
is on line two again.

Come on. It'll give us
a chance

to spend some quality
time together,

starting right now.

Hi, honey.

Okay. Got to go.

But you just said-

Well, I didn't want
to tell you like this,

but Allie and I,
well, we're sort of...

having a baby.

A baby? When?

Uh...apparently now.

She's been pregnant
all this time,

and you never told me?

Well, I tried to tell you.

Maybe you tried
to tell "kitten."

Who the hell is "kitten"?

It's gonna drive me crazy
all day.

Cancel my afternoon.

Done.

Call for my car.
Already here.

What's today's
Marmaduke?

Uh, he's driving a bus.

Ha, that dog.

It's like he's a person.

It just hit me.

You are
your magazine.

You're glossy,
you're slick,

the cover's great,

when you open it up,
there's nothing inside.

I've got another one for you.
I get fat in December.

Honey, great seeing you.

The article-3,500 words.

Finch will have an envelope
with a check in it

when you finish.

Now I understand
why Stephanie threw you out

and burned all your suits.

Stephanie,
that's who "kitten" is.

Thanks, cupcake.

"Cupcake"?

Listen up,

I just got
the cyberskinny

on our little
friend Maya-

Stanford grad,
dean's list,

no current
boyfriend,

but she is
on the pill.

Hmm.

You got all that
on the Internet?

Yeah, and rifling
through her purse.

Hey, Nina,

you really have
to stop hiring

these waify models.

Why?

Because
I turned on the fan,

and she blew
into the wall.

Look at her,

writing her first big article
for Papa.

So?

So...

first, it's an article,
then it's a job.

Before you know it,
she's in charge,

and I'm back
at the boat show

wearing that damn
mermaid suit.

Maya, dear,

I understand
you're writing

this month's
relationship column.

Can I peek?

You peaked years ago, honey.

So is this article
the first of many?

I doubt it.

It's called
"My father is a jackass."

Well, Maya, he's your dad.

Add the word "senile."

Oh.

She'll be gone by
the end of the day.

Great.

Just make it look
like an accident.

No, no, no.

She's leaving
on her own.

Got it. We never spoke.

Look at these photos.

See if any of them

will go
with your article.

God,
could her dress get any higher?

No, her mother was there.

Don't you ever worry

about the message
you're sending?

Oh, hell,
you're one of those.

You have no idea what it does
to a fat 13-year-old girl

to be bombarded by false images
of flawless women.

In real life,

people aren't
airbrushed.

No one is perfect.

Hello, Elliott.

Lorena.

Pellegrino?

Refrigerator.

House of cold.

You're right. No one's perfect.

There's a flaw in that woman
somewhere,

and I won't rest
until I find it.

I'm sorry,

but idolizing physical beauty
is wrong.

Oh, really?

Tell me what you thought,
honestly,

the first time you saw
Michelangelo's David.

I thought
it was an incredible sculpture.

That's right,

because David
is the perfect male form.

No, because Michelangelo
was a genius.

All right.

Imagine it if Michelangelo
had sculpted it

with the same artistry

to look like...say, me.

It would still be a work of art.

How about now?

Fine, fine, you win.

Mm-hmm.

All I'm saying

is that we're not
the enemy.

We just like looking
at beautiful things.

And who decides
what's beautiful?

Oh, I do.

That's the best part.

Here's my article.

Pay up.

Yeah,
fill this out first.

Jack Gallo's office.

Hey, boss,
how did it go?

All right. They had the baby.

Yeah, well, congratulations.

Maya says congratulations,

but it's in a tone
that connotes disinterest.

Ooh, 8 pounds, 12 ounces.

Ouch.

She's making sport
of your courageous wife's pain.

Yeah.

Blue eyes, dark hair,
great lungs.

Just like Elvis.

She's comparing the baby
to a bloated drug addict.

Hey.

It's a girl.
You've got a sister.

A sister?
She's not my sister.

Oh, my God, she's my sister.

I have a sister.

Now she's
just babbling.

Hello.

Hi.

Gorgeous, isn't she?

Yeah, she's
just beautiful.

How's Allie?

Amazing.

She was only in labor
for two hours,

and no drugs.

How about you?

Just a Valium
during the pushing.

Well, I just had to see her.

Congratulations.

You know, I tried to tell you.

Huh?

The day I found out
Allie was pregnant,

you were the first person
I called,

but when I got
your machine,

somehow,

all I came up with was,
"Hey, call me back."

You never did.

How was I supposed to know-

I'm not blaming you.

It's my fault we're like this.

I do gloss over everything,

and I'm terrified I'm gonna make
the same mistakes with her

that I made with you.

Then don't.

You know,
there's nothing magic about it.

That's your daughter in there.

When she holds out her arms,
pick her up.

When she has a dance recital,
don't be in a meeting...

And when she tries
to push you away,

don't let her.

It's not what she really wants.

Make her a part
of your life.

The rest will fall
into place.

Well, if it's so easy,
why am I having a panic attack?

Dad, panic is good.

It means
that you care,

and don't worry,
every father panics.

Hi. I just had
a little girl.

I'm a dad.

Wow,
isn't this great?

Yeah, me too,

a girl.

All right.
Way to go, grandpa.

You know, I got a feeling
that's gonna happen a lot.

God, I hope so.

You'll be fine.

Well, I guess
I'll have to cut back my time

at the magazine.

I'll need to find someone.

Yes, you will.

No, no, no, no.

Come on,
just stay on a little while.

See if you like writing it.

I don't even like reading it.

Then turn it
into something

that you would
want to read,

you and at least 1.2
million other people.

Come on.

It will give me
a chance

to spend some time
with my kids.

You can kiss
those crappy sex quizzes

goodbye.

Great, whatever,

as long as you work
the word "orgasm"

in somewhere,

I'm happy.

So did you finish
that article?

Yeah, but I think

I'd like to make
a few changes.

Oh, you're such a perfectionist.

I bet if I read it, I'd love it.

I'll take that bet.

So have you two
picked out a name?

Oh, we're
in negotiations.

I want Hannah

after
your grandmother,

and Allie
wants Morgan.

Morgan was
our high-school quarterback.

Allie lost her virginity to him.

Hannah it is.

o/~ Life keeps bringing me
Back to you

o/~ Keeps bringing me home

o/~ It don't matter
What I want to do

o/~ 'Cause it's got
A mind of its own

o/~ Life keeps bringing me
Back to you

o/~ Yeah