Joe vs. Carole (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Tiger King - full transcript

[big band music]

♪ ♪

♪ Time and time again ♪

♪ When I need someone to care ♪

♪ I find you're all ♪

[grunts]

[Alice Cooper's "No
More Mr. Nice Guy"]

♪ ♪

[horn honking]

Oh, good, you're up.

I got Carole in the back.



I haven't even
had my coffee yet.

- Well, get it to go.
- Bring your camera.

I'm serving up breakfast
with a side of justice.

What are you talking about, Joe?

Carole Baskin came after my mom.

♪ No more Mr. Nice Guy ♪

Time to introduce
that bitch to my

going-to-Tampa gun.

[upbeat music]

[tiger roars]

So the man you're requesting
a restraining order for,

this Joe Schreibvogel,

he assaulted you?

Yes, he dragged me
from his vehicle,



and he threw my
body to the ground,

and then he shot me.

Bang, bang, bang.

- Three times.
- Four times.

- Oh, thank you, honey.
- Four times in the chest.

- He shot you?
- Yes.

And technically, it was
a blow-up doll of me,

but to Joe, it was me.

And he filmed the whole
thing, and he put it online.

The man has threatened
to kill her.

And what makes you so sure
he meant the doll to be you?

Oh, well, here,
just look at this.

- Please.
- [clears throat]

[gunshot]

That bullet's for
you, Carole Baskin!

You keep coming after my
mom, you get the whole clip!

You hear me, Carole?

[gunshots]

- Yeah, he meant it to be you.
- Yeah.

What did he mean about
you coming for his mother?

Joe recently surrendered
a lawsuit to us

for a million dollars,
which he does not have.

Right, but he does have a zoo,

and he was afraid he
was gonna lose it.

Right, so he transferred it
into his mother's name...

Right, thereby hiding
his biggest asset...

Which is fraud,

but now the court has to
question Joe's mother.

Right, and that's
standard procedure,

but in his twisted brain,

he thinks that I put them
up to it, so hence the...

Does he have a
history of violence?

- Oh, yes. Yes.
- Yes.

Yes, extremely abusive
towards his animals.

I mean with humans.

Oh.

Well, not to our knowledge.

- But I wouldn't be surprised.
- Yes.

Has he ever been
physical with you?

We have never met face-to-face.

He lives in Oklahoma.

Look, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid

you don't have enough grounds
for a restraining order.

Yeah.

In our county, you
have to be struck

twice before you can petition.

You're saying in order to
get a restraining order,

Joe has to try to kill
her twice and miss?

Just because he hasn't
physically struck her yet

doesn't mean he won't.

I mean, we don't know what
this man is capable of!

- Honey, honey.
- We don't!

- It's okay. It's okay.
- No, this is not correct.

Sorry.

This is outrageous.

- And unsurprising, my love.
- What?

In my experience, this
is usually what happens

when a woman goes to the
authorities for help,

no offense.

Okay, let's hurry.

If we hit a few green lights,

I can get to my
Spanish class on time.

We're conjugating today.

You're still going?

- Yes, I'm still going.
- Why wouldn't I go?

Carole, I don't know.

This just seems like
a lot for one day.

Well, I'm not gonna let Joe

hijack my life, and
neither should you.

Let's go.

I don't think I can drive.

I'm just too upset. I'm sorry.

♪ ♪

And in.

Let it go now.

[exhales heavily]

Good, and in.

[inhales deeply]

And out.

[exhales heavily]

So now that we're both
grounded in this space,

tell me, why hypnotherapy?

Um, I have been having
trouble sleeping.

How long has this been going on?

- About two months.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, can't sleep
at all, and then

if I ever do fall asleep,

I am plagued by these
nightmares about alligators.

Alligators everywhere,
slithering through my hallways

and jumping on the bed,
and I... I try to run away,

but I can't... I can't
move, and it's terrifying.

Why alligators, do you think?

I don't know, Florida?

So you feel out of control.

Do you feel out of control
in your waking life?

I thought this was hypnotherapy,

not woo-woo psychoanalysis
that takes ten years.

Are you uncomfortable talking
about what's bothering you?

No.

Because I believe nightmares
come from somewhere.

Uh-huh.

So is there anything out
of the ordinary going on?

Um, it, you know...

My car had a problem,

and my husband
disappeared a year ago,

and they thought I had something

to do with it,
which is ridiculous.

And throughout it all, I
have been alone, very alone.

Would you like to change that?

Um, no, thank you.

I'm not dating. I have
horrific instincts.

Every man that I ever was
with, I thought was "ahh"

and turned out to
be "ugh," so...

This is starting to
feel a little woo-woo.

What if I told you
I could help you

take all those feelings
you have, box 'em up,

and put them on a shelf
inside your brain?

That way, they won't
take over your life.

Love that. Yes. Yes.

You'll feel more in control.

Because ultimately,
what you think about,

you bring about.

What you think about,
you bring about.

[easygoing music]

♪ ♪

So I'm guessing you're here
for the early bird special.

[chuckles]

When in Florida, you know.

[both chuckle]

Howard Baskin.

I am Carole Stairs.

- How do you do?
- Nice to meet you.

Pleasure.

Um, what brings
you this afternoon?

Well, I'm friends with
the organizer, Mary.

Oh, yeah, of course. Me too.

Oh, good. Oh, good, yes.

So I'm a bit of a softy,
so she always invites me,

and I donate to
her animal causes,

and everybody's happy.

How about you?

I am one of her animal causes.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

- How about that?
- Yes.

- Oh.
- I own a wildlife sanctuary.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- Wow, well, now that I...
- I see it now.

Birds, am I right?

Sorry, no.

- [both laugh]
- No.

All right, well, now,
tell me, how are things

in the wildlife sanctuary
business these days?

Rough since 9/11.

You know, no tourism,
no donations,

but I have turned things around,

and I think we're doing okay.

Wow, good for you.

You must be really smart.

God doesn't usually
give with two hands.

[both chuckle]

Isn't this incredible?

- Oh!
- Hi, Mary.

Hi!

- Look at you!
- How are you?

Nice to see you.

Can you believe I got
this place for free?

- Wow.
- I told the manager,

if the aquarium doesn't care

that manatees are being
gutted by propellers,

then why should anyone else?

- Yes, yes.
- Precisely.

- I see you two have met.
- Yes.

Howard, you have
to speak to Stu.

Remember, I was telling you

about his waste
management company?

Stu! Stu!

Now, go and talk to him, Howard.

He needs your expertise.

- Well, excuse me.
- Very nice to meet you, Carole.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you for coming early.

You're killing me over here.

What?

Oh! [Laughs]

Like, Howard?

Why, is there something
wrong with Howard?

- Married?
- No.

- Probation?
- No, it's... [laughs]

I mean, isn't he
kind of... vanilla?

Oh, yeah.

I didn't think
that was your type.

Precisely.

Okay.

Can you give him my number?

Think could use a
little scoop of vanilla

- right about now.
- Oh!

[rock music]

Swelling'll be down
by Saturday, right?

Man's getting married.

You all right, Rick?

Maybe you should lay off the
sauce a little while, huh?

- It ain't the booze.
- I haven't slept well in a week.

I think I got a stomach thing.

Well, if you're gonna
puke, do it the other way.

I'm paying good
money for this hair.

- Hey, hey!
- Hey.

Well, guess who finally
got a friend request.

About damn time!

I was starting to feel left out.

Carole Baskin's been
contacting my employees,

trying to turn them
Benedict Arnold on me.

You gotta hand it to that
psycho, she's got balls.

Big hairy monkey balls.

That monkey's climbing
up the wrong tree.

Saff gave his arm for this zoo.

America's gonna see it
all when Rick brings

the footage to LA and
sells the shit out of it.

Only thing we need
now is a title.

What, you didn't like
"Joe Exotic's Pussies"?

I think I gotta
call it a day, Joe.

We got a show to make.

I... I can't. I'm sick.

Bullshit.

I got just the thing for you.

How much you weigh, Rick?

Oh, 180?

[upbeat music]

What is that?

- Ketamine.
- I use it all the time.

On the animals.

You're an animal, ain't you?

Uh-uh. I'm in recovery, Joe.

But it's medicine, vet approved.

Yeah, but you're not
a vet or a doctor.

You don't get it, Rick.

This is a kingdom...

[DJ Shadow's "Nobody Speak"]

[echoing] And I'm
the goddamn king.

♪ Picture this, I'm
a bag of dicks ♪

♪ Put me to your
lips, I am sick ♪

♪ I will punch a baby
bear in his shit ♪

♪ Give me lip, I'ma
send you to the yard ♪

♪ Get a stick, make a switch ♪

♪ I can end a
conversation real quick ♪

♪ I am crack, I ain't lying ♪

♪ Kick a lion in his crack ♪

♪ I'm the shit, I will
fall off in your crib ♪

♪ Take a shit, pinch
your mama on the booty ♪

♪ Kick your dog,
fuck your bitch ♪

♪ Fat boy dressed
up like he's Santa ♪

♪ And took pictures
with your kids ♪

♪ Screaming yes, I am guilty ♪

♪ Motherfuckers, I am death ♪

♪ Hey, you wanna
hear a good joke ♪

♪ Nobody speak,
nobody get choked ♪

♪ ♪

I am the Tiger King.

[dramatic music]

Howard?

Uh...

♪ ♪

[scoffs]

♪ ♪

Howard?

What...

♪ ♪

[alligator growls]

[breathing heavily]

Oh, fuck.

Not again.

♪ ♪

Give me some room down there.

My boys are getting squished.

[chuckles]

Joe wanted them tight.

I guess whatever Joe
wants, Joe gets, huh?

Oh, man, I can feel my heartbeat

all the way down in my crotch.

Don't you boys worry about
those wedding jitters.

You're gonna look back one
day with a smile and say,

"This was the best
day of my life."

[scoffs]

Ugh.

Aren't you nervous, John?

Why?

[somber music]

All just for the cameras.

It don't mean shit.

♪ ♪

Told y'all to stay on my left!

That's my good side.

You're gonna look great when
you walk down the aisle, Joe.

Now, for the song,

I was thinking
something classic,

like Diana Ross'
"I'm Coming Out."

Rick, that's the gayest shit
anyone ever said at this zoo.

There she is, light of my life!

I was so excited,

I woke up at 4:00
without an alarm.

Oh, I'm so glad you
could be here, Ma.

You have always
been there for me,

no matter what anybody thinks.

You look very handsome.

Oh, so you made it, Chealsi?

What are we even doing here?

You can't marry two
people. It's illegal.

You can do anything when
you're the goddamn king.

Yeah, king of bullshit.

Wait, can I do that one again?

Yeah, go again.

You can do anything when
you're the goddamn king.

This is ridiculous.

Can you tell Freddy
Krueger here to back off?

What's your damn problem?

My problem is you
getting your mom involved

in your dumb-ass fight with
that woman from Florida.

- That ain't my fault!
- Now, don't fight, you two.

- Uh, you know what?
- It is your fault.

You're the one who
transferred the zoo

into Grandma's name, okay?

So now all kinds of
people have been calling,

and they're snooping around.

They're accusing her of fraud.

Get this walking
cadaver out of my face

before I break his camera!

Relax, Chealsi.

When I sell this
show, we're gonna have

more than enough
money to get Carole

off our backs for good,
and I'll take care of Ma.

Yeah, right.

Who's gonna pay to watch
your stupid ass on TV?

Why do you have to be such
a cunt on my wedding day?

You know, maybe you should
try to get laid more often.

Might improve your attitude.

Yeah, 'cause you
taking two up your ass

has made you such a delight.

[clears throat] Joe.

- What?
- Excuse me.

You got any idea
where Travis might be?

[soft rustic music]

[gunshots]

♪ ♪

What's going on?

Get cold feet?

Why are you marrying me?

See, I don't know.

Maybe it's 'cause
I fucking love you.

Is it for the cameras?

What?

Like, is any of this real,

or are you just doing
it for your TV show?

- What... you really wanna know?
- Yeah.

I'm marrying you 'cause
you're hot as shit

and I can't believe
you looked at me twice.

Joe, I'm being serious!

So am I! Don't you believe me?

I don't know what
to believe anymore.

You're running around
making crazy videos.

You're shooting up
the Carole doll.

How am I supposed to believe

that any of this
is actually real?

I'm just making
drama, that's all.

That's what you're supposed
to do for a TV show.

Nobody watches "Duck
Dynasty" for the ducks.

But this thing... you and me?

Best fucking thing that
ever happened to me.

Ain't nothing more
real than us...

[soft music]

Except for maybe this hard-on
I got for you right now.

- Joe, shut the...
- Joe, get the fuck outta here.

Come on, hey, tell me that
ain't true love right there.

- Dickhead.
- Feel that.

Come on, look, I play
up the Tiger King thing

for the cameras, but I'll
always be Joe Maldonado to you.

You're taking my name?

Yeah, I'm taking your name.

- What, really?
- Yeah.

That's so sick!

[laughs]

Come on, let's go get hitched.

You on the groom's side
or the groom's side

or the groom's side?

[laughs]

What?

I ain't never been on TV before.

[instrumental version of
"You're Still the One"]

♪ ♪

Joe, John, Travis,

as you embark on this
holy state of matrimony,

strive to make real ideals

that will bring meaning
to this ceremony

and to the sanctity of marriage.

Do you take each other
to be your husbands?

- I do.
- I do.

Sure.

Then kiss, damn it!

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

Congratulations, husbands.

♪ ♪

Yeah, we did it! Whoo!

We did it!

Oh, get the shot.

[Them Vibes' "Cryin Shame"]

♪ ♪

♪ Get your ticket
on a big jet plane ♪

[people cheering and whistling]

♪ Gonna be a star killer in LA ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Call the doctor,
go under the knife ♪

♪ ♪

Looking good, Mr. Maldonado!

Thank you! Where's John?

[breathing heavily]

[both moaning]

I didn't see that coming.

Me neither.

But hey...

[grunts]

If Joe can get his,
why can't I get mine?

[chuckles]

And I got mine too.

Congrats on getting married.

[exhales heavily]

Oh, what's that?

Photos from Joe's social media.

Oh!

He makes fun of me for
having three husbands.

At least I didn't marry
them all at the same time.

[both laugh]

Look at those outfits.

Oh, my God, I'm just...

- I'm wearing the same shirt!
- Oh, my God!

[laughs]

So did any of Joe's
employees get back to you?

No, unless you count
a photo of a bare ass.

A bear's ass or a
person's bare ass?

Bare, B-A-R-E.

- Oh.
- Though not devoid of fur.

[laughs]

I thought one of them
would turn, you know?

But he's got them
all so brainwashed.

Well, they rely on him for
their livelihood, you know?

It's really hard to get
someone to break rank

when they have so much to lose.

I guess there's one person
I haven't reached out to yet

who has everything to lose.

[phone ringing]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Hello.

This is she. Who's this?

You got some nerve calling here
after what you done to my son!

Hey, Grandma, who is it?

It's that spawn of
Satan, Carole Baskin!

Gonna give her a
piece of my mind!

Okay, just don't
upset yourself, okay?

I'll get rid of her.

You tell her what's
what, Chealsi!

Are you trying to give my
grandmother a coronary?

The hell do you want?

Listen, I'm very
sorry to bother you.

I did not mean to upset
Mrs. Schreibvogel.

I'm calling because
I'm worried about her.

Like you care.

You know people are saying she
committed fraud because of you?

I can't believe you'd
do that to an old lady.

Okay, that's not my doing.

That's Joe's. He put
her in that position.

Yeah, that's 'cause he's
a lying sack of rat shit.

I wouldn't have put
it quite like that,

but I'm glad that we agree.

It sounds like you care
about your grandma.

Of course.

I don't want her
caught up in this mess.

What if I told you
there was something

you could do about it?

[chuckles]

Oh, I thought you were
working late tonight.

No, I came home to
work on my radio prep.

Ah!

Smells like a cantina in here.

Ah, it's the limes.

I'm practicing the Chuflay.

It's a Bolivian cocktail
made with singani.

Amazing.

Oh, I found the most amazing

Colombian arepa recipe.

We gotta put it on the menu.
It'll knock your socks off.

Have I told you lately
that I just lose my pants

for a party planner, Howard?

[laughs] That's a good thing!

Well, you graduated Spanish Two.

I want our dinner guests to
taste how proud I am of you.

Both: Mwah.

Well, we can add
this to the list

- of things to celebrate.
- Yeah?

I got Joe's niece to write
a letter to the judge

saying that he transferred
the zoo under false pretenses.

How?

I called Joe's mom,

and Chealsi got on the phone.

So do you think
that'll get the court

to transfer the zoo
back into Joe's name?

- Yeah, but I...
- I thought you were

just reaching out
to Joe's employees.

Well, I did, and it didn't work,

so I tried something else.

Okay, but...

What?

I just don't want
things to escalate

any more than they already have.

They already shot me
in effigy, Howard.

How much more could it escalate?

Why don't you let me handle Joe

and you help me
with my radio prep

if you're up for it?

Okay, yes.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

Okay.

So here it is.

Okay.

This is Big Cat Rescue.

Wow.

I do wonder what that is.

Well, that's obviously
a tiger hammock.

Never saw a tiger
hammock before?

Not yet. That's creative.

Thanks.

Ugh, I'm sorry.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Mm.

[exhales heavily]

I felt like we had a
connection at the aquarium.

Well, I thought so too.

So why did you wait
three weeks to call me?

- Well...
- My daughter said

that maybe you were some
kind of player or something.

Well, to be honest,

I actually had dates

scheduled for those
next three weeks.

Okay. Oh, so you are a player.

No. I mean, I don't think so.

I'm not really
sure what that is.

- Let me try to explain.
- Please.

So I had already scheduled
those dates before we met,

and I thought I needed to see
those commitments through.

It just felt like the
right thing to do.

Well, you really are a good guy.

I hope so.

Yikes.

Unless that's code for boring.

No, no, no, no.

Um... reliable?

Oh, that might be worse.

I'll have you know I can
be a real loose cannon.

Okay.

Yes, just the other day, I
was looking at my kitchen,

and I realized it
could use some color.

- Uh-huh.
- So by the end of that week,

that kitchen was
mauve, just like that.

- Mauve?
- Yes.

So your kitchen is pink?

No, it's mauve.

Sounds pink to me.

[chuckles] Well...

That's funny.

Am I gonna say it?

Yeah, I'll say it.

I like you, Howard.

- I like you.
- Okay.

[laughs]

That's scary for me to admit,

because I do not
usually choose wisely.

It's probably too early
for me to be laying

my baggage at your
feet like this.

- Cards on the table.
- That's how I like to play too.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I was married before.

Yes. Well, Mary told me.

Yeah.

And people have said some
pretty nasty things about me.

I don't listen to gossip.

I was married twice
before, actually.

Mm.

Had a lot of
boyfriends before that.

- Mm.
- Couple girlfriends too.

Oh.

- Cards on the table.
- [both laugh]

Well, no one can accuse
you of being boring.

Well, thank you.

Does it bother you that
I've never been married?

I will admit that
I'm curious about it.

Will you tell me why?

Yes, yes, happy to.

I've asked a lot of married
people over the years,

if they could go back and
do it again, would they?

And a few say no,
but most pause.

- Briefly, but still...
- Mm.

That pause tells you everything.

Only about 13% say yes
right away, unequivocally.

And I realized

I only want to get married
if I can be certain

I'll be in the 13%.

Hmm.

[warm music]

Um

The cats come first.

I'm never gonna change that.

Why would I want you to change?

♪ ♪

But tiger cubs are so cute.

How can it be wrong to hold one?

They are phenomenally cute,

but you have to remember
that those tiger cubs

have been ripped prematurely
from their mothers

before they've had
a chance to nurse.

And then when it ages out,
it's going to be locked up

in a dusty cage for
the rest of its life

or, worse, euthanized,

so suddenly not so cute.

- Oh, that's terrible.
- Yeah.

Well, consider me converted.

Well, good.

Let's take some calls.

First up is Linda from Sarasota.

Yeah, I just wanted
to say, I didn't know

- any of this was going on.
- Uh-huh.

Thank you for opening my eyes.

Is there anything
I can do to help?

Okay, yes, that's an
excellent question.

You can call your
congressperson.

We are diligently
trying to bring

our Big Cat Public Safety Act

to Washington, and
we need a sponsor.

So if every one of your
listeners called their rep,

we would be in D.C. by
the end of the year.

I will, thanks.

Which'd be really
good for the cats.

- Time for our next caller.
- We've got Joe on the line.

How are you, Joe?

I'd be a hell of a lot better

if Carole would get off my ass.

[ominous music]

First you come
after my livelihood.

Then you get my own flesh
and blood to turn on me.

It sounds like you
two know each other.

- Yeah, well...
- Yes, this is a... this is

a known animal abuser
named Joe Exotic.

Hold on.

And he has been the focus
of one of our campaigns.

I'll have you know,

the way this man
treats his animals,

he is one of the worst offenders

I've ever come
across in my career.

That is a lie.

All I've ever done was
love on my animals,

and I've rescued more
cats than you ever will.

And that's to say nothing
of the unsafe conditions

at his zoo for the human beings.

Just recently, one
of his employees

had his arm chewed
off by a tiger.

That was an accident!

And at least I gave
him room and board.

You don't even pay
your goddamn people!

- Sir, this is public radio.
- Please watch your language.

They play music on the radio.

All you do is talk.

What's the point of a
station that don't play

Clint Black or Garth Brooks?

You know, I made
some songs myself.

- You should put 'em on.
- Okay, this is the way

he treats your audience,
imagine how he treats his cats.

I think you need to
shut your mouth, Carole,

acting like some goddamn saint.

I would like all the
listeners to know...

That you're freaking crazy?

That I will not rest in my life

until abusers like Joe

are kept as far away
from animals as possible.

Ha! Like you can keep
me away from my animals!

Well, we will see.

Damn right, we will!

And just 'cause the
zoo's back in my name

don't mean you won.

You have no idea

what I'm willing to
do for my animals.

You have no idea what
I'm willing to do.

Okay, let's take a breather.

Mark my words, Carole Baskin.

Before this is over,

you will stop breathing.

♪ ♪

You get all that?

Yeah.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Joe has just showed us
exactly why it's critical

to pass this bill and
to stop psychos like him

from being in possession
of these marvelous animals.

So, um, please
pick up your phone

and call your congressperson.

Um, okay, thank you.

[soft music]

This one's called the
Gold Shooting Star.

Goes on for, like, 30 seconds.

Looks awesome at night.

Me and some friends are gonna go

shoot some more off on Saturday.

[exhales heavily]

I ain't doing
nothing on Saturday.

[chuckles] Seriously?

Yeah, if that's cool.

Well, you tell me.

You're the one that's
married to my boss.

I'm a grown man.

I can do whatever I want.

[laughs]

Okay.

Saturday night, fireworks.

[chuckles]

I'll see you there.

[laughs]

Afternoon. Lucas Fields.

I've been assigned to
inventory your assets.

That's gotta be one of
the worst pickup lines

I've ever heard, but
I can assure you,

assets are substantial.

- Ah!
- [laughter]

Uh, sir, you have a
$1-million judgment

against you, yeah.

Since this zoo is back in
your name, we have to take

an inventory to assess how
you're gonna make good.

[inhales sharply]

That bitch sent you.

- Excuse me?
- Don't play dumb.

Carole Baskin.

I was sent by the court.

Does he have a choice
in this, Chase?

Afraid not. The law's the law.

- Why?
- He didn't do anything wrong.

It's okay.

Let's give this
bottom-feeder a free tour.

No skin off my ass.

I'll be rich

before anyone takes
a pebble off my land.

My producer's in Hollywood
right now, setting it up.

After 30 years in TV,

I thought I'd seen it all.

I've interviewed
A-list celebrities.

I've smoked crack with
vice cops after a bust.

Hell, I worked
with Bill O'Reilly

and didn't end up
in a loony bin.

[laughter]

Joe Exotic is the craziest
motherfucker I've ever met.

And I can promise you,

America is gonna love him.

[fanfare playing over TV]

Are the firearms necessary?

In case the tigers get unruly.

And do they get unruly often?

[laughs] Often enough.

- Have you heard from Rick?
- Not yet.

20 minutes ago, the
meeting started.

How long does a damn
pitch take, anyway?

Do I look like I've
ever been to Hollywood?

Excuse me.

Uh, so when were
the cages built?

How long does it take a suit
to say yes and sign a check?

Uh, sir?

I'm in the middle of something.

I have to account
for everything.

The cages, please?

Oh, you wanna know
about the cages.

Should've said so before.

Come on, let's
show him the cages.

[grunts]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Come on in. Look
around. [tiger growls]

Meet Bonedigger.

Close the gate, please.

What, you don't like tigers?

Guess we're gonna find
out whether they like you.

[tiger growls]

Please close the gate.

Oh, no sudden moves, dude.

No sudden moves.
You'll freak him out.

- Hey, hey, hey, Joe, come on.
- Look, what are you doing?

Ain't there some
dried-up turds in there

you need to inventory?

Hey, Joe, close the gate.

Joe, come on, close the gate!

Gotta have an account
of everything.

- Close the goddamn gate, Joe!
- Joe.

I think we've had our fun.

Hey, Rink, don't be a buzzkill.

- Show's over, buddy.
- Come on, now.

Oh, come on, I ain't
gonna let Bonedigger

take more than a
nibble out of him.

[laughs]

[gasps]

[breathing heavily]

It's just a nightmare.

There are no alligators
in your house.

Nothing's gonna hurt you.

What you think about,
you bring about.

What you think about,
you bring about.

[soft jazz music]

♪ ♪

Honey.

Honey, you're not
gonna believe this.

I found curtido at
the specialty market.

Our vegan pupusas are
gonna be off the cadena.

Ah. Agh! Ugh!

I keep using tildes where
acute accents should go.

Don't know why.

You know, you can
skip the fancy menus

for one dinner party, my love.

They are my signature, Carole.

People expect them.

♪ ♪

- My love...
- [sighs]

Is this about the radio show?

'Cause you cannot
let Joe get to you.

He threatened to kill
you, Carole, on the air.

Yes, but he gave us a gift,

because that congresswomen
wants to sit down

because of the radio show.

So... I don't know.

Sometimes you just have to
take all those nasty feelings

and put them in a box

and put them up on the shelf
where they can't get to you.

Trust me, it works.

I'm gonna go get ready.

♪ ♪

What is going on with Howard?

Where is he?

He's gonna be here.

This is not the kind of thing

you show up
fashionably late for.

Was I was wrong about Howard?

[light music]

Is that him?

[laughs]

It can't be.

[laughs]

Oh, my Lord.

[laughs]

What in the hell are you doing?

I told you, I am
full of surprises.

[laughter]

Honey, you look hot.

[Pony Sherrell's
"Jungle Ungle, Um, Bai"]

♪ ♪

♪ In the jungle, there's a
rhythm that's called the ♪

♪ Jungle ungle, um, bai ♪

♪ Jungle ungle, um, bai ♪

♪ And the natives all
dance to the rhythm of ♪

♪ Jungle ungle, um, bai ♪

♪ Jungle ungle, um, bai ♪

♪ They got the beat
from the bob safari ♪

♪ And the crazy hep
cat missionary ♪

♪ Now the jungle jumps
to the rhythm of ♪

♪ Jungle ungle, um, bai ♪

♪ Jungle ungle, um, bai ♪

♪ Jungle ungle, um, bai ♪

When it came to the vows,

I wanted to do something
a little different.

So I asked you, Carole, if
you would sit down with me

and together write
up a constitution

laying out how each of
us wants to be treated.

- Mm-hmm.
- A contract, if you will.

Sue me. I'm a lawyer.

[laughter]

So here is our Declaration
of Interdependence.

Uh, okay.

Okay.

We promise to always be
on each other's team...

And together on
the cats' team...

To tell each other the
truth, even when it's hard...

To always be up front
with our feelings

and never let
resentment bottle up.

[laughter]

And for the pièce de résistance,

the majestic paella.

Whoo!

Hailing from España, this
is the traditional dish

of farmers and laborers.

And of course, we have
put our own vegan spin

on it, right, sweetie?

Yeah.

Thank you. Clap, clap!

[laughter] Oh, dear.

Did you know that Spanish
is different in Spain

than it is in Latin America?

For instance, in Mexico,
they say gracias,

and then in Spain,
they say "grathiath."

"Grathiath, grathiath"!

Looks delicious.

Valerie was in the
middle of telling us

about her clothing business.

Yeah, kids' pajamas.

I forgot that you
were doing that.

- Yeah.
- How... how's that going?

It's getting there.

I love my work at BCR,
but I wanted to make

my MBA work for myself.

Valerie has also been
doing amazing work

for our legislation initiative.

Oh, how's that going?

Would you believe we
might actually have

a sponsor for our bill,
courtesy of Tampa Radio?

I didn't want to
bring up the interview

in case it was a sore subject.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm gonna send that
asshole a gift basket.

[laughter]

Oh, good, because if it were me,

I'd be hiding under the
covers and popping Vicodin.

No, actually, the ones
you have to worry about

are the ones that
don't give you heads-up

before they come for you.

You sound like you
know from experience.

Unfortunately.

My first husband used to
drink himself into a stupor

and beat me within
an inch of my life.

[chuckles]

Oh, Carole...

- Oh, no, it's fine.
- It's not a funeral. [Laughs]

I'm still here.

No, this one time... oh, my God.

He took apart a metal bed frame,

and this is while he was drunk,

and he took one of the railings,

and he was chasing
me around the room,

slamming it into the walls,

trying to smash my skull open.

Thank God he missed...
Hit the wall, though.

Guess who had to patch that up.

Who wants another drink?

- Where you been?
- Been calling you.

Yeah.

Thought I should
tell you in person.

Look

it didn't sell.

What?

They all passed.

You're fucking with me.

Good one, Rick.

Wish I was.

Wait, did you show them the shot

of me on the throne
and Saff's arm?

I showed it all.

The networks are
terrified of blowback

from the animal rights folks.

They won't touch
it. I'm sorry, Joe.

I was counting on
this sale, Rick.

Everything's depending on it.

Hang on to that.

It's the closest you'll
get to being on TV.

There's gotta be someone else!

I pitched it to
everyone in town.

Well, then pitch it to
someone out of town!

Joe, I know you're disappointed,

but I think I know a little more

about this business than you do.

Seems like you don't know shit.

I should've known better
than to hand my fucking show

to a washed-up junkie.

I'm not a junkie, I'm a drunk,

and if you're gonna
shit on me, do it right.

If you think you're screwed,

this was months of my life here.

I'm only gonna get
pennies on the dollar

for the footage now.

I thought you said
there was no takers.

I can shop the B-roll, try
to salvage whatever I can.

Shop to who?

To whoever'll take
it off my hands!

Like Carole Baskin?

- She got to you too, huh?
- What are you talking about?

First Chealsi stabs me
in the back, then you.

Are you seriously nuts?

She's been trying
to find something

to nail on me, and you're
giving her the fucking rope

to hang me with!

You think I spent months
in Fucksville, Oklahoma,

living in this open-air toilet,

all so I could sell the footage

to some woman I don't know
for a couple of bucks?

- That's exactly what I think.
- Then you're the junkie.

You're high on
your own bullshit.

You're not selling
my fucking footage,

you hear me?

News flash: You don't get a say.

All the footage in this
room belongs to me.

Since when?

Since you signed a
contract when we started.

Next time, read the
fine print, asshole.

I can't wait to get
outta this shithole.

Hey, I call the
shots around here.

You can't walk out on me!

Watch me.

[tense music]

[sighs]

Well, everybody loved the food,

clearly,

and people couldn't get
enough of your cocktails.

Yeah, apart from the showstopper

about getting chased
with a lead pipe,

the evening was a real hit.

It was a metal rail,

and they were asking
the questions.

I'm sorry, why did you throw out

the rest of the paella?

'Cause I don't want any
remains of this dinner.

I would rather forget it.

I was just answering honestly.

Well, sometimes
honesty is best served

with a side of restraint.

Not everyone's lived
what you have, Carole.

Well, lucky them.

I'm sorry I introduced a
little too much reality

to our dinner party.

It's not my job
to hold my tongue

to make other people
feel comfortable.

Yes, it is when you're the host.

Look, you can talk
about whatever you want,

but if what you say or do
brings up feelings in others,

then you have to allow for that.

When am I not allowing for
other people's feelings?

You don't seem to
care about mine!

Not everyone can
put their feelings

on a shelf, Carole.

And every time I bring
up Joe's threats,

you shut me down.

It's just that I've been in
situations like this before,

and I feel like I know how
best to deal with them.

Best for you. What about me?

What about you?

Carole, you may be used to
dealing with people like Joe.

This is the first
time my wife's life

has been threatened.

I'm allowed to disagree with you

about how best to proceed.

Yes, sure, but you...

You should at least
care about what I feel.

What happened to our
constitution, Carole?

What happened to being
on each other's team?

Of course...

Jesus, of course I care
about how you feel.

I love that you're
driving this train.

But sometimes I feel

like I am just
hanging on the side.

[soft music]

Well, I didn't know.

I didn't know.

♪ ♪

Maybe I haven't followed our
constitution so well either.

♪ ♪

I should have told you
how I felt before this.

It's not easy sometimes.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that Joe's threats
have been so hard for you.

We can't let him
come between us.

♪ ♪

Still in the 13%?

13%.

[chuckles]

Look, we can go to bed.

We'll just clean
this up tomorrow.

Come on.

♪ ♪

I don't know how you
let Joe's threats

just roll off your back.

I haven't slept well in weeks.

Hmm, that's funny.

I sleep like a baby.

- Holy shit!
- [fire crackling]

[person shouting indistinctly]

Come quick!

[uneasy music]

♪ ♪

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

No fucking way!

♪ ♪

Shit.

That's my fucking
footage in there!

Yeah, well, it ain't
fucking in there anymore.

- What the hell happened?
- Who did this?

Did you see anything?

Was it Joe?

No, man, Joe would never
do something like this.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[whoosh]

[sword shings]

[tiger growls]

I am the Tiger King.

[The Band's "Don't Do It"]

I am the Tiger King.
I am the Tiger King.

♪ ♪

I am the Tiger King.

♪ ♪

I am the Tiger King.

♪ ♪

♪ Baby, don't you do it ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ Don't you break my heart ♪

♪ Please don't do it ♪

♪ Don't you break my heart, no ♪

♪ I sacrificed to
make you happy ♪

♪ Kept nothing for myself ♪

♪ Now you wanna leave me ♪

♪ For the love of someone else ♪

♪ My pride is all gone ♪

♪ Whether I'm right or wrong ♪

♪ I need you, baby ♪

♪ For to keep on keepin' on ♪

♪ Well, I'm trying
to do my best ♪

♪ Oh, I'm trying to do my best ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ Don't you break my heart ♪

♪ Please don't do it ♪

♪ Don't you break my heart ♪

♪ My biggest mistake was
loving you too much ♪

♪ And letting you know ♪

♪ Now you got me
where you want me ♪

♪ And you won't let me go ♪

♪ If my heart was
made of glass ♪

♪ Well, then you'd surely see ♪

♪ How much heartache
and misery ♪

♪ Girl, you've been causing me ♪

♪ While I've been
trying to do my best ♪

♪ Well, I've tried
to do my best ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ Don't you break my heart ♪

♪ Please don't do it ♪

♪ Don't you break my heart, no ♪

♪ Go down to the river ♪

♪ And there I be ♪

♪ I'm gonna jump in, girl ♪

♪ But you don't care 'bout me ♪

♪ Open up your eyes ♪

♪ Can't ya see I love ya ♪

♪ Open up your heart, girl ♪

♪ Can't ya see I need ya ♪

♪ Oh, baby, don't do
it, do it, do it ♪