Joe vs. Carole (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - A Fairy Tale - full transcript
[gritty western music]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Hey. Hey, man, yo, I'm here.
Where you at? It's Travis.
Travis Maldonado.
What do you mean
it's not happening?
Wait... dude, I came all the
way down here from Texas.
I don't have... hello?
God. Fuck!
♪ ♪
Every fairy tale
starts out sad...
Parents dead, evil stepmothers,
kids orphaned without
a shot in the world.
And then the fairy
godmother shows up,
or the dwarves or some
old guy who makes clocks.
Hey, kid
lookin' for work?
And nothing is ever
the same again.
Go from being a regular kid
to standing at the
foot of Neverland.
Hey. Come on.
[sweeping music]
♪ ♪
And before you know it,
you're Peter fuckin' Pan.
[Son the Father's "Fucked Up"]
[laughs]
Whoo!
♪ ♪
[mouse clicks]
[low tense music]
What the f...
♪ ♪
Son of a goddamn... Amber!
Get everybody in the
fuckin' gift shop now!
And in local news, the primaries
for the Governor's
race are heating up
- with less than two months...
- Shut that shit off!
- Latest SoonerPoll...
- [tv turns off]
You motherfuckers think you
can pull a fast one on me?
Well, I got news for you...
I see everything!
Hey, Rink, how was your nap?
Hey, Cowie and Saff, still
filling the meat buckets?
Should've had the goddamn tigers
in their lockout cages already.
Take it easy, Joe.
I was up all night
feedin' the cubs.
- Cry me a fuckin' river.
- It's your job!
I got two guys at home
fucking me up the ass.
I don't need y'all to join in.
Joe, you've been comin' down
on us a lot lately, man.
Yeah, man, we're working hard.
- Be fair.
- Fair!
I got the Baskins tryin'
to take every penny I got.
You think that's fuckin' fair?
If you're so
worried about money,
why'd you spend so much
on the security cameras?
God damn it.
I gotta find out who I
can trust around here!
You know you can trust us, Joe.
Oh, really?
It ain't our fault your
reality show didn't sell.
No.
That's 'cause of the
animal rights Nazis.
And so help me
God, if I find out
any one of you are in
cahoots with them bastards...
What are you talking about, man?
- We're all on your side here.
- Then show it!
I got a whale from Vegas
comin' down here and lookin'
for a place to house his cats.
That's the kind
of money we need!
Okay?
It's put up or shut up time.
And if y'all do
how you been doing,
I don't give a flyin' fuck
who you are, I will
fire all your asses!
[intense percussive music]
[tiger growls]
All right, thank you, Sidney.
Okay, conference call with Joe
is set for tomorrow morning.
Wow. Hell has frozen over.
I'm excited to
talk to Mr. Exotic.
Oh, God, this can't
end soon enough.
[chuckles]
Mr. and Mrs. Baskin, this is
Congresswoman Vivian Ross.
- How do you do?
- My pleasure.
- Carole?
- Yes, hello.
It's so nice to meet you.
Thank you so much for
sponsoring our bill.
- The Big Cat Public Safety Act.
- It's a good name.
- Ah.
- My wife is very creative.
I didn't realize you
were a dog person.
- Oh, is that an issue?
- [laughs]
No, of course not.
Well, I'm happy to report
we're bringing your legislation
to my sub-committee.
Oh, my gosh, that's
great news, great news.
Oh, wow, so then we can
bring it to the House floor?
Oh, not so fast.
There are a couple
of hurdles first,
including your testimony
before my committee.
Ah, okay, well,
as long as you're there to whip
up votes, I will do my part.
Fair warning, my fellow
members are gonna grill you,
so you have to know your stuff.
You're going to have to
show them why this bill
makes sense for them
and their constituents.
Can do. Ready to be grilled.
You're doing great stuff.
And to think, I always thought
cat people were a little weird.
[laughs]
[chuckles]
[tigers bellowing]
[birds chirping]
[engine roaring]
What's going on?
Waiting for Mr. Moneybags.
Wanna give him the red
carpet treatment, you know?
This is a biggie for us.
I want everyone to
be on point today.
What can I do to help?
- You just keep bein' you.
- That's all I need.
[DMX's "Party Up (Up In Here)"]
♪ Whoo, y'all gon'
make me lose my mind ♪
♪ Up in here, up in here ♪
♪ Y'all gon' make
me go all out ♪
♪ Up in here, up in here ♪
♪ Y'all gon' make
me act a fool ♪
- Jeff Lowe.
- [car chirps]
Damn nice to finally
meet you in person.
And this must be your...
- Wife.
- Right.
- This is Lauren.
- Hi.
Welcome to our little
slice of paradise.
♪ ♪
It always smell like this?
♪ Ain't nothing y'all can do ♪
♪ Ain't nothin'
y'all can do now ♪
[camel grunting]
Where the fuck did
you get a camel?
Hell, Jeff, we got 50
species of animals,
over 200 big cats,
livin' their best life
in cages as clean
as a nun's wet spot.
Plus I got state of the
art security now too.
I got a hundred cameras
all around the park.
You know why I do all that?
I'm pretty sure
you're gonna tell me.
'Cause ain't nobody
gonna love on your cats
the way I'm gonna.
This park is my whole life.
Hey.
So was the one I used to own,
before those animal rights
pricks shut it down.
Don't get me started
on those motherfuckers.
I heard they came for you too.
- Yeah, they still are.
- That bitch Carole Baskin?
Got a hard-on for me.
She's the worst of the bunch.
Seriously, I think Carole
comes when she thinks
about putting me
out of business.
Now, Joe, Joe.
Promise me that you'll never
use the words "Carole Baskin"
and "come" again in
the same sentence.
Yeah, there ain't enough
Viagra in the world.
[both laugh]
- What you got there?
- Look at these.
Oh, my God.
I love the condoms
with you on them.
Take as many as you
want, on the house.
That's okay, the last
thing I want to see
before I hit this is your face.
Will you guys hang tight?
This Baskin root canal
shouldn't take more
than a few minutes.
Hey, you give that bitch
hell, all right, Joe?
For all of us, all right?
Okay, so, once
everyone signs off
on the final terms of payment,
my office will handle the rest,
unless you have any objections.
[sighs] Are you kidding?
We're only too happy to
finally put this to bed.
Okay, good.
[beep]
Hi, this is Sidney Pierce
representing the Baskins.
Hi, this is Joe, representing
my own goddamn self
'cause I can't afford a fuckin'
lawyer anymore thanks to you.
Okay, well, Mr. Schreibvogel,
I'm assuming that you received
the final schedule of payments.
Yeah, I got them,
but I can't make
these payments
during the winter.
And why's that?
Because this ain't Tampa.
I work a seasonal business.
How many kids you know
like walkin' around a zoo
freezin' their asses off?
So what are you proposing?
How about you show some
humanity and cut me a break?
I'm doin' everything I can here.
Um, one second please.
[line beeps]
Carole?
Can't do it.
I'm not here to make friends.
I have to do what's
best for the cats.
I'm afraid that's not
going to work for us, Joe.
Why don't you come out and
tell the truth, Carole,
that you won't stop till
you take my zoo from me.
Ain't that the big
fuckin' end game here?
Joe, this is Howard.
This isn't a negotiation.
You have no leverage here.
You know, this is all such
a big goddamn waste of time.
This is so far from
fuckin' being acceptable.
So why don't you
take those payments
and why don't you shove them
right up your lily white asses?
I'm sorry, who's
speaking please?
If you're not an official
part of these proceedings,
we're going to have to
terminate the call...
Jeff Lowe.
I'm Joe's new partner.
And you, Howard?
You can go fuck yourself.
And while you're at it, you
can fuck your cunt wife.
[exciting music]
Partner?
♪ ♪
What, do you wanna bet
that Howard and Carole
shit their diapers?
Only thing that would've
made that better
if I could've seen the
bitch's face when you said it.
That was goddamn inspired.
- Yeah, well, what can I say?
- Someone's gotta teach
those assholes they can't
fuck around with us anymore.
- Fuckin' A.
- Fuckin' A.
Okay. So how does this work?
I've never had a partner before.
- Well...
- [sighs]
The way I see it, you
got a zoo with no money.
I got money, but no zoo.
Seems like a win-win to me.
Yeah, but any money
you put in the zoo
is gonna end up in
the Baskins' pocket.
Right, okay, but what if,
on paper, it's not yours?
- I tried that.
- Signed it over to my mom.
Carole got the court to undo it.
Damn, she and her husband are
like goddamn legal ninjas.
Wait, wait, hold on a
second, you transferred it?
Oh, Joe, God damn it, man,
you can't do it like that.
Yeah, I mean, I know that now.
[sighs]
The Baskins aren't the only ones
with good lawyers,
okay, so follow me here.
We're gonna dissolve this zoo.
And we're going to
form a new entity
under my name, all right?
This way, if the Baskins
wanna come after us,
they're gonna have
to file a new lawsuit
and they're gonna get
tied up in court for years
and years to come and
they're gonna have to spend
every last goddamn
cent they have.
- Like the sound of that.
- I knew you would.
One condition though, Joe.
You gotta keep
running this place.
I got other businesses
I gotta attend to.
So I stay in charge?
Yeah, you stay in
charge, will you?
We'll even give you,
like, a fancy title
like creative director.
No, entertainment director.
Sure.
I like entertainment director.
Whatever.
Doesn't matter,
right? The point is,
nothing's gonna change, okay?
The Baskins are not gonna
be able to touch you.
Every dime that I give you
will go back into this zoo
to make it better
than ever before, mm?
Shit, Jeff, where
you been all my life?
[chuckles]
[rock music]
Can't believe those two
are banding together now.
They're desperate.
It's like the Joker and
Penguin have joined forces
to wreak havoc on New York City.
Gotham.
- What?
- [knock on door]
I just saw Sidney leave.
Does that mean
you guys are done?
Not as done as we hoped.
Aw.
You know what?
No.
We're gonna take Joe
down with all the others.
Let's do this.
If we're gonna pass
this bill in Washington,
we need to be prepared.
Bring in the binders, please!
[bright whimsical music]
♪ ♪
If you're not careful, you're
gonna crack that thing.
Joe left something for you.
You take it.
Wait, what?
You're gonna turn
down a free Xbox?
Ain't nothing free at this zoo.
Okay, come on, can we just
open it and play it please?
Look, if you're bored,
why don't you go
shoot some Tannerite?
I'm not bored.
Everybody has shit to
do here except for me.
[sighs]
You say that like
it's a bad thing.
[softly] Fuck it.
There you go.
Problem solved.
[soft dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[tense music]
[whispers] Wakey-wakey.
Ah! Shit!
[laughs]
What the hell, man?
Dude! Did you piss yourself?
You totally, totally
pissed yourself!
- Screw you, man.
- I wouldn't piss myself!
I was just tryin' to
rest for like ten minutes
while Joe was takin' a shit.
- Oh, dude, I'm sorry.
- I was just messin' around.
Are you mad at me?
It's not like I
pulled the trigger.
Ah...
I know you didn't mean anything
by it, you knucklehead.
Don't you got
something better to do?
Not really.
Hey, you okay?
Y... yeah.
No, it's just my
ride crapped out.
I was hoping you
could fix it for me.
You're lucky I like you, kid.
Grab my toolbox and some rags.
Wait, what?
Well, I ain't gonna
do it on my own.
I don't know how to do it.
Well, grab my toolbox
and I'll show you.
Help me roll it in.
All right, make
sure that's tight.
You don't want that
carburetor bouncing around.
Got it.
I think that's as
tight as it'll go.
All right, well, let's
start it up then.
[rock music playing on radio]
♪ ♪
[engine starts]
Holy shit! We did it.
Whoo!
Legends! [Laughs]
Whoo!
[both laugh]
Congressman Longstreet's
record on animal rights?
He supports the Lacey
Act, but he was quoted
in "The New York Times" as
saying that animal rights
are property rights.
Very good.
How many committee
members own cats?
Six.
By party?
Three Dem, two Repub.
That's only five.
Trick question,
Representative DeMartino
- is an independent.
- [chuckles]
Oh, I thought I had
you on that one.
Very good. I think you're ready.
- No, no, we gotta go again.
- No, Carole.
You've been cramming at
work, cramming at home.
- No, that sucked.
- We gotta go again.
- Have to go again.
- You need to work smart.
All right? Take a
break, relaxes the mind.
Howard, I cannot take a break.
Not now, please.
- Okay.
- No. Don't do that.
Just five minutes, then
we'll get back to it.
- ["Lady in Red" playing]
- Oh, no, no.
- There are 17 binders here...
- May I have this dance?
- May I have...
- No. I'm not a dancer.
[groans]
- Can't refuse the Howard.
- Okay, five minutes.
- Isn't that nice?
- ♪ Lady in red ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Is dancing with me ♪
You're still working.
- What?
- I'm sorry, I can't help it!
[doorbell rings] Oh, the door.
- Ah, and she escapes.
- Oh, dear, the door.
Slides. Slides.
No one can accuse you
of being underprepared.
[both chuckle]
Those Congress people have
no idea what's coming.
Yeah, a high school
dropout in a cat bra.
Mom? You got this.
No, seriously, what am I doing?
I can't even stop Joe Exotic.
I think I'm gonna get a
bill through Congress?
- Come on.
- Are you serious?
This is what you have
been working for.
I know, I just never thought
it would actually happen.
Yes, you did.
You always thought that
you could do things
that other people
said you couldn't.
You have sacrificed so
much for this chance, okay?
And it's all gonna be
worth it when you win.
I wasn't the only
one who sacrificed.
Why don't you come with me?
What?
To Washington, I think
you should come with me.
What about Valerie?
I mean, she's been
helping you prep.
Valerie is magical,
but Valerie...
[sighs] Is not my daughter.
You really want me to come?
Well, I can't bring Howard.
Howard is a distraction.
Howard will just make me dance.
- [laughs]
- Yeah?
You and me, Wash? Ah!
[ringing tone]
♪ ♪
I'm gonna be a dad?
- I'm gonna be a dad?
- [laughs]
- Are you fuckin' kidding me?
- Are you fuckin' kidding me?
John, what the hell's
goin' on in there?
Quit clowning around. I
can see you on my phone.
Sorry about that, Joe.
Just get back to work now!
No.
[tense music]
What the...
♪ ♪
John, what are you doing?
♪ ♪
You got a lot of
nerve, flippin' me off!
Amber's pregnant.
So, what do I care?
I'm the father.
Now, look,
I know you might find
this hard to hear,
and you and I been
through a lot.
But you gotta know the truth.
Look.
You screwed up.
It happens.
- Send her to the clinic...
- Excuse me?
And you and me, we'll
figure this out.
You don't fuckin' get it, man.
Don't tell me you have
feelings for that whore.
Don't talk about her like that.
Hey, what's goin' on?
This between me and
John and my ex-employee.
That's right, your
ass is fuckin' fired.
Yeah, I figured.
And if you're looking
for a recommendation,
here it is:
Fuck you and your goddamn twat
- that you rode in on!
- Yeah?
Guess what?
[thudding]
I'm goin' with her.
John, what are you doing?
You really gonna
walk away from me?
I'm the only one
who ever loved you.
You don't love people.
You collect them.
Just like those goddamn cats.
Bullshit!
You're gonna throw
away everything
over some used up
piece of trash?
I told you not to fuckin'
talk about her like that!
Okay, let's everyone
just calm down.
Fuck him. Fuck him.
Let's go.
I got news for you.
That baby is gonna grow up to be
a worthless piece of shit
just like both of you!
- Take it easy.
- Dude, take it easy.
John! John!
John! John!
Hey, hey!
[groans]
Rink, I'm sorry, man.
I'm okay, buddy.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
Take care of yourself.
Shit.
Hey, Joe, if you're
not up for it,
you can always give
these folks a raincheck.
I don't cancel shows.
Yeah?
[microphone feedback whines]
Hey, folks, who's ready
to see some tigers?
[cheers and applause] Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're ready.
Yeah, we got some
of the greatest...
We got great... we...
[feedback whines]
You know, people ask me why
I spend so much time with cats.
Pretty simple.
Cats don't want to
rip your heart out
and then stomp all over it.
Sometimes it seems like
there ain't no such thing
as loyalty anymore,
know what I mean?
The people you care
about the most,
well, they're the ones
that can break you,
and leave you for dead.
I ain't gonna lie.
It's hard for me to
be up here right now.
But you paid your
hard-earned money,
brought your families here.
Just didn't want
to let you down.
We're with you, Joe!
You been through hard
times, too, I bet.
You all know what it's
like to hurt, don't you?
I'm barely holding
on to my farm!
Yeah, I knew I
wasn't the only one.
We're all hurtin'
in this country.
Sometimes it feels
like people don't care.
That we're all alone.
But I'll tell you what.
It's you all that keep me going,
and I'm gonna keep you going.
[cheers and applause]
[sweeping music]
♪ ♪
I think I should
run for governor.
[laughs]
I mean it!
What do you know about politics?
Shit, Trump did it.
Do you even vote?
What's that got to
do with anything?
And what the hell are you
even doing here with Rink?
I was helpin' him
fix the tractor.
I'm actually getting
pretty good at it.
I gotta ask you, Joe,
this governor thing,
is this because... Is
this 'cause of John?
What?
- Just call him, man.
- Make peace.
You know, fuck John and that
skinny-ass home-wrecker.
He don't give a shit about
me, but the people out there,
they love me.
And they need someone
to fight for them.
All right, but
running for governor
ain't just words, Joe, you know?
You gotta build
a whole campaign,
and that takes
political know-how.
- You know, you're right.
- I wouldn't know where to start.
[determined music]
I know.
I'm gonna put an
ad on Craigslist.
♪ ♪
So you'll have ten minutes
for prepared remarks.
Then questions, five
minutes per representative.
Mm-hmm. Got it.
There's cameras, but
don't be nervous.
It's just C-SPAN.
- Ready?
- Yeah. Thanks.
♪ ♪
Oh, my God, this is insane.
- I know.
- [chuckles]
I have to get a photo.
Yes, but play it cool.
[camera shutter clicks] Okay.
Carole Baskin?
How the hell are ya? [Chuckles]
Forgive me. We haven't
officially met.
Doc Antle.
- Yes, I know who you are.
- Good.
You know, when I
heard about this bill,
I just knew I had to give
the committee a chance
to hear the other side.
You know, balance the
scales, so to speak.
Who is this lovely young lady?
- This is my daughter.
- Oh.
And she has come to watch
me castrate your business.
Is that ri...
[both laugh]
Well, I love that confidence.
Well, you break a leg.
But you should know that
I've known Joe Exotic
for quite a long time
and consider him a
protégé of sorts,
so I'm gonna enjoy
watching you choke.
You call me if you're
ever lookin' for work.
Aren't I too old for you?
Whoa! Feisty.
Just like her mom, huh?
Wink at my kid one more time.
- Sit down.
- Okay.
I was just offering a
job. No need to get upset.
Oh, God, I need a shower.
Mom, take no prisoners.
Got it.
[soft dramatic music]
Mrs. Baskin,
this committee has many
urgent issues to address.
Why is this the one that
demands our attention now?
It is imperative that
we pass this bill now
because as we sit here,
there are currently
twice as many tigers
living in captivity
as there are in the wild.
And these are cubs that
are brought into the world
exclusively for profit
and exploitation.
Think about it,
Congressman Rutledge.
These are babies.
And we're allowing them to live
in unregulated and
inhumane facilities.
And this is not
just a moral issue.
It is, of course, a
public safety issue.
500-pound carnivores
are dangerous animals
who will defend
themselves to the death.
Did you know, in many states,
it is easier to purchase a tiger
than it is to purchase a puppy?
Since 1990, there have been
more than 400
incidents of violence
involving big cats
in private homes,
resulting in 24 deaths,
5 of them children.
Just recently, an employee
in a zoo in Oklahoma
had his arm ripped
off by a tiger.
What would you do
if a tiger got loose
in your district?
And what would you say
to your constituents
when they asked what you'd
done to protect them?
♪ ♪
Thank you for your testimony
today, Mrs. Baskin.
We've all learned a lot.
Thank you for the opportunity.
Thank you.
[soft indistinct chatter]
In my professional opinion,
it's pretty late in the
game to enter the primary.
That being said, you're unlike
any other candidate running.
I'd love to start by
hearing your positions.
Doggy, mostly.
[laughs]
[laughing] Oh, that's funny.
But no, I mean your...
Look, Josh, nobody cares
about my positions.
They connect to me 'cause
I'm exactly who I say I am.
I told him this is crazy.
Ain't nothing wrong with crazy.
Look, the only way you
find out who you are,
put yourself out there
and say "fuck it."
So let's cut to the chase.
Do you think I could
win this thing or what?
Well, I have a
77-county strategy,
which I could really tailor
to your particular strengths.
You hear that, Rink?
He thinks I could
really pull this off.
Just curious.
How many winning
campaigns have you run?
Well
zero.
But I haven't had any
losing ones either.
- What?
- You've never run a campaign?
How do you, like,
make your money?
- I work at Walmart.
- [chuckles]
I know I don't have
a lot of experience,
but I was a poli-sci
major in college,
I study politics in
all my free time,
and growing up as a
gay kid in Oklahoma,
there was one person
I looked up to
who wasn't afraid of
being out and proud.
And that's you, Joe.
So if you're willing
to take a chance on me,
I'm willing to ride with you.
Well, I...
I think we've heard
all we need to.
Where do we start?
[patriotic music]
Ladies and gentleman,
I've tried drugs,
I've had some of the
kinkiest sex you can imagine,
and I'm broke as shit.
But I took a bare piece of land
and turned it into the
largest privately-owned zoo
in America.
And I'll fix up
Oklahoma the same way.
I don't care if
you're Republican,
a Democrat,
a pot smoker, or a meth head.
I've never shrunk from a fight,
and I will fight for you.
I am Joe Maldonado,
and I am running for Governor
of the great state of Oklahoma.
♪ ♪
It's just a mock up, but
what do you think?
Well, Josh, that's gotta be
one of the most
boring pieces of shit
I ever seen in my life.
Will you look at me?
Is there anything about
me that screams boring?
Put some tiger stripes in there.
Put my name in
purple or hot pink.
We gotta grab this
audience by the nut sack.
Okay.
And hey, one more thing.
When it's done, I want
you to slap that bad boy
all over Wynnewood
so my ex John can see what
a fuckin' mistake he made.
- Got it?
- Copy that.
In the meantime, I'd like
to get your numbers up.
How's it looking?
Flash poll has us at 8%.
- Damn.
- That's kind of a great start.
It's 8% of registered
Libertarians.
It's only a few hundred people.
But we can make up ground.
There's a parade this
afternoon in Pauls Valley.
That's a good opportunity.
- Hey. Joe.
- [knocks on wall]
Can I talk to you for
a sec? I need to...
Need to, uh
what's going on here?
I'm running for governor, Jeff.
I'm gonna clean this state up.
I... I thought you were
supposed to be running the zoo.
This campaign's gonna be
the best thing to ever
happen to this zoo.
More people know my name,
more people gonna
be coming here.
You got the best
entertainment director
money can buy.
Yeah, yeah, I'll bet.
Wanna come outside?
There's somebody I
want you to meet.
Sure.
Un-fucking-believable.
[gritty rock music]
♪ ♪
Jesus Christ.
Joe, meet Allen Glover.
We used to work together, and
if it's all right with you,
I'd like to bring him
on, help out around here.
- And do what?
- Scare little kids?
Well, I guess if he's
good enough for you,
welcome aboard.
All righty then.
I got some babies to
kiss. Take it easy.
The fuck kind of freak
show you bring me to?
- There you are.
- What are you doing?
Watching porn?
You wish.
Actually, I'm thinking
about taking a class
and learning how to
put engines together.
What for?
I don't know, I
just, like, think
it'd be fun to
try something new.
You know? Fuck it, right?
[chuckles]
There's a class coming
up real soon, so...
- Uh-huh.
- You gotta put that on hold.
I need you right now.
- For what?
- For what?
I'm running for governor.
I need my husband.
We got a parade
to get ready for.
- Come on!
- Okay.
You know, as a private
big cat owner myself,
I feel it's important to correct
some of the ugly allegations
that have been
lobbed against us.
Carole Baskin told us that
we should make sweeping laws
based on the actions
of a few bad apples.
Well, let me ask you.
Would Mrs. Baskin take
every citizen's
driver's license away
because a few people
drank too much
and got behind the wheel?
I think we can all agree
that that would be insane.
My fellow cat owners
and I love our animals,
and we believe in conservation.
But the only way to
get the general public
to save the tigers is
to give them a chance
to interact and fall
in love with them.
But those are just words, so
let me show you what I mean.
[crowd murmuring]
[tense music]
♪ ♪
[crowd gasps, coos]
Ladies and gentleman,
meet Sheba.
Six weeks old
and the innocent subject
of all this fighting.
Mrs. DeMartino, would you
like to say hello to Sheba?
There we go.
There we go.
There we are.
- [all aww-ing]
- So cute.
- Now, don't be shy.
- You can say hello.
She won't bite. [Chuckles]
Now, look how happy
that little cub is.
[laughs]
What is wrong with this?
Nothing.
We can try and get
it through committee
in a year or two.
- I just don't...
- I don't understand.
- My mom did everything right.
- Yeah.
Sometimes it's not
about who's right.
There are other factors.
Like what?
With some members,
it's a gut instinct...
Who they connect with.
What, and they
connected with him?
Enough of them did.
Did any of your
colleagues actually think
that she was wrong?
See, that's not fair.
It's politics.
Fairness doesn't get
a seat at the table.
It was hard for me to understand
the first time too.
Carole.
Chin up.
♪ ♪
[engine purring]
[engine turns off]
[crickets chirping]
The fuck?
Hey, Joe, the gate's locked.
Yeah.
Well, can you open it for me?
On my way.
Hey.
Hey, since when do we
lock the gate around here?
Since I needed to
clamp down on security.
You know we can't
trust nobody no more.
Where you going anyway?
Oh, I was going to
the night class.
Remember? I told you.
Yeah, I thought we decided
that you weren't gonna
do that right now.
Well, you decided.
I didn't think it
was such a big deal.
- Oh, you didn't, huh?
- It's just a class, Joe.
Look, I'm under a shit-load
of pressure right now.
I'm running for
fucking governor.
- I know.
- Well, that... that's your thing.
You know? What's mine?
To be there for me.
I am, okay? I can do both.
Look, why don't you
just come on home?
I'll get us a pizza.
You can pack a nice
fat bowl and relax.
How does that sound?
No.
- You want something stronger?
- No!
I don't want to do
that shit anymore!
- What the fuck do you want?
- Something to do!
Everybody's got a purpose
here except for me!
I want a purpose!
A purpose?
I gave you a place
where no one's gonna
fucking hurt you!
So you just wanna leave me, huh?
Just like John?
What are you talking about, Joe?
I don't want to leave you.
I just want something.
Don't play fucking
stupid with me!
Is that lock on the
gate to keep people out,
or to keep us in?
[tense music]
♪ ♪
I told you I needed you.
But if you want to go,
go!
Just go!
You didn't have anybody to
look after you before, did you?
Nobody gave a fucking
shit about you,
and you think now,
things are gonna be different
for some fucking reason?
Let me get one thing straight.
You step outside that gate,
there ain't no coming back.
You can fuck off forever.
[soft dramatic music]
So
You leaving or what?
♪ ♪
No.
Good.
♪ ♪
[sighs]
Here, let me.
One day, I believe
you'll see this
as a necessary step on
the path to victory.
You just gotta keep at it.
Yeah. That's what I thought.
I always told Jamie,
"You knock on the door.
If they don't let you in,
you knock the door down."
[chuckles] Exactly.
Well, that's how you got
to the halls of Congress
in the first place...
By being strong,
determined, prepared.
And they hated me for it.
They sided with the jackass
in the safari hat
who has a harem.
Yeah, well, they made a mistake.
[sighs] I don't know.
I just don't see why it
would go any differently
the next time.
Or ever.
They didn't vote
against the bill
'cause they didn't
like the bill.
They voted against the bill
'cause they didn't like me.
I'm not fun. I'm not... wild.
I'm... I'm stiff.
You don't know why
you don't like me,
but you just don't.
I'm...
[sighs]
I'm a blonde woman
with strong convictions
and a sturdy Midwestern accent.
We all know how that goes down.
All right, you got
knocked down this time.
But I also know
one of the things
Jamie admires about you the most
is that you don't
stay down for long.
[Radiohead's "My Iron Lung"]
[dreamy rock music]
♪ ♪
♪ Faith, you're
driving me away ♪
♪ ♪
Looking good.
There's my future first
husband of Oklahoma.
Smile.
Come on, smile.
[camera shutter clicks]
Yeah, that's it.
I'm gonna put this right
up on my Facebook page.
♪ I'm receiving pain ♪
♪ A lack of oxygen ♪
♪ From my life support ♪
♪ My iron lung ♪
♪ ♪
You know, the thing
no one tells you
about Neverland is,
after all the flying
and fighting pirates
and hanging with fairies...
♪ Fall asleep ♪
Then what?
♪ Too cynical to speak ♪
All those lost boys?
Well, there's a
reason they were lost.
But maybe it isn't
the reason you think.
♪ ♪
Maybe it's 'cause, eventually,
they wanted to leave Neverland.
But they just couldn't
find a way out.
♪ ♪
Hey.
Oh, hey, Travis, I'm just
getting some work done, okay?
[exhales] Sure.
You won't even notice me.
♪ ♪
Travis, can you not play with
that thing in here please?
I'm just having some fun.
Please just put it down.
Serious... man, it's
not funny, all right?
Put it down.
Relax.
It can't fire unless
there's a clip in it.
[gunshot ringing]
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
How about when Shaq came by
to see those tigers, man?
Remember, and he came back
just to hang out with Travis.
Some crazy shit, man.
Shaq loved Travis.
Mm-hmm.
How about the time Travis asked
if he could jump
over me on his ATV?
[laughter] What the heck?
That kid was so stupid.
[sighs]
Damn, that kid sure
had a glow about him.
[chainsaw revving]
Hey! Do you mind?
We're grievin' over here!
[chainsaw shuts off]
What?
I said we're grievin'!
Fuckin' crybabies.
[crickets chirping]
It was an accident, right?
We all want fairy
tales to end happy.
[somber, ethereal music]
The evil queen dies.
The girl gets the prince.
The kid with the big
nose becomes a real boy.
But the truth is,
the real world is full
of poisoned apples
and dragons.
♪ ♪
In the real world, you
gotta fend for yourself.
And there ain't no fairy
godmother to save you.
♪ ♪
[sobbing]
[screaming] No!
[gunshot rings]
No! [Gunshot rings]
[screaming and gunfire]
No!
Happily ever after, my ass.
[The National's "Runaway"]
♪ There's no saving anything ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Now we're swallowing
the shine of the summer ♪
♪ There's no saving anything ♪
♪ ♪
♪ How we swallow the sun ♪
♪ But I won't be no runaway ♪
♪ 'Cause I won't run ♪
♪ ♪
♪ No, I won't be no runaway ♪
♪ What makes you
think I'm enjoying ♪
♪ Being led to the flood? ♪
♪ We got another
thing coming undone ♪
♪ ♪
♪ And it's taking us over ♪
♪ We don't bleed ♪
♪ When we don't fight ♪
♪ Go ahead, go ahead ♪
♪ Throw your arms
in the air tonight ♪
♪ We don't bleed ♪
♪ When we don't fight ♪
♪ Go ahead, go ahead ♪
♪ Lose our shirts in
the fire tonight ♪
♪ What makes you
think I'm enjoying ♪
♪ Being led to the flood? ♪
♪ We got another
thing coming undone ♪
♪ ♪
♪ But I won't be no runaway ♪
♪ 'Cause I won't run ♪
♪ No, I won't be no runaway ♪
♪ 'Cause I won't run ♪
♪ No, I won't be no runaway ♪
♪ What makes you
think I'm enjoying ♪
♪ Being led to the flood? ♪
♪ We got another thing ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Hey. Hey, man, yo, I'm here.
Where you at? It's Travis.
Travis Maldonado.
What do you mean
it's not happening?
Wait... dude, I came all the
way down here from Texas.
I don't have... hello?
God. Fuck!
♪ ♪
Every fairy tale
starts out sad...
Parents dead, evil stepmothers,
kids orphaned without
a shot in the world.
And then the fairy
godmother shows up,
or the dwarves or some
old guy who makes clocks.
Hey, kid
lookin' for work?
And nothing is ever
the same again.
Go from being a regular kid
to standing at the
foot of Neverland.
Hey. Come on.
[sweeping music]
♪ ♪
And before you know it,
you're Peter fuckin' Pan.
[Son the Father's "Fucked Up"]
[laughs]
Whoo!
♪ ♪
[mouse clicks]
[low tense music]
What the f...
♪ ♪
Son of a goddamn... Amber!
Get everybody in the
fuckin' gift shop now!
And in local news, the primaries
for the Governor's
race are heating up
- with less than two months...
- Shut that shit off!
- Latest SoonerPoll...
- [tv turns off]
You motherfuckers think you
can pull a fast one on me?
Well, I got news for you...
I see everything!
Hey, Rink, how was your nap?
Hey, Cowie and Saff, still
filling the meat buckets?
Should've had the goddamn tigers
in their lockout cages already.
Take it easy, Joe.
I was up all night
feedin' the cubs.
- Cry me a fuckin' river.
- It's your job!
I got two guys at home
fucking me up the ass.
I don't need y'all to join in.
Joe, you've been comin' down
on us a lot lately, man.
Yeah, man, we're working hard.
- Be fair.
- Fair!
I got the Baskins tryin'
to take every penny I got.
You think that's fuckin' fair?
If you're so
worried about money,
why'd you spend so much
on the security cameras?
God damn it.
I gotta find out who I
can trust around here!
You know you can trust us, Joe.
Oh, really?
It ain't our fault your
reality show didn't sell.
No.
That's 'cause of the
animal rights Nazis.
And so help me
God, if I find out
any one of you are in
cahoots with them bastards...
What are you talking about, man?
- We're all on your side here.
- Then show it!
I got a whale from Vegas
comin' down here and lookin'
for a place to house his cats.
That's the kind
of money we need!
Okay?
It's put up or shut up time.
And if y'all do
how you been doing,
I don't give a flyin' fuck
who you are, I will
fire all your asses!
[intense percussive music]
[tiger growls]
All right, thank you, Sidney.
Okay, conference call with Joe
is set for tomorrow morning.
Wow. Hell has frozen over.
I'm excited to
talk to Mr. Exotic.
Oh, God, this can't
end soon enough.
[chuckles]
Mr. and Mrs. Baskin, this is
Congresswoman Vivian Ross.
- How do you do?
- My pleasure.
- Carole?
- Yes, hello.
It's so nice to meet you.
Thank you so much for
sponsoring our bill.
- The Big Cat Public Safety Act.
- It's a good name.
- Ah.
- My wife is very creative.
I didn't realize you
were a dog person.
- Oh, is that an issue?
- [laughs]
No, of course not.
Well, I'm happy to report
we're bringing your legislation
to my sub-committee.
Oh, my gosh, that's
great news, great news.
Oh, wow, so then we can
bring it to the House floor?
Oh, not so fast.
There are a couple
of hurdles first,
including your testimony
before my committee.
Ah, okay, well,
as long as you're there to whip
up votes, I will do my part.
Fair warning, my fellow
members are gonna grill you,
so you have to know your stuff.
You're going to have to
show them why this bill
makes sense for them
and their constituents.
Can do. Ready to be grilled.
You're doing great stuff.
And to think, I always thought
cat people were a little weird.
[laughs]
[chuckles]
[tigers bellowing]
[birds chirping]
[engine roaring]
What's going on?
Waiting for Mr. Moneybags.
Wanna give him the red
carpet treatment, you know?
This is a biggie for us.
I want everyone to
be on point today.
What can I do to help?
- You just keep bein' you.
- That's all I need.
[DMX's "Party Up (Up In Here)"]
♪ Whoo, y'all gon'
make me lose my mind ♪
♪ Up in here, up in here ♪
♪ Y'all gon' make
me go all out ♪
♪ Up in here, up in here ♪
♪ Y'all gon' make
me act a fool ♪
- Jeff Lowe.
- [car chirps]
Damn nice to finally
meet you in person.
And this must be your...
- Wife.
- Right.
- This is Lauren.
- Hi.
Welcome to our little
slice of paradise.
♪ ♪
It always smell like this?
♪ Ain't nothing y'all can do ♪
♪ Ain't nothin'
y'all can do now ♪
[camel grunting]
Where the fuck did
you get a camel?
Hell, Jeff, we got 50
species of animals,
over 200 big cats,
livin' their best life
in cages as clean
as a nun's wet spot.
Plus I got state of the
art security now too.
I got a hundred cameras
all around the park.
You know why I do all that?
I'm pretty sure
you're gonna tell me.
'Cause ain't nobody
gonna love on your cats
the way I'm gonna.
This park is my whole life.
Hey.
So was the one I used to own,
before those animal rights
pricks shut it down.
Don't get me started
on those motherfuckers.
I heard they came for you too.
- Yeah, they still are.
- That bitch Carole Baskin?
Got a hard-on for me.
She's the worst of the bunch.
Seriously, I think Carole
comes when she thinks
about putting me
out of business.
Now, Joe, Joe.
Promise me that you'll never
use the words "Carole Baskin"
and "come" again in
the same sentence.
Yeah, there ain't enough
Viagra in the world.
[both laugh]
- What you got there?
- Look at these.
Oh, my God.
I love the condoms
with you on them.
Take as many as you
want, on the house.
That's okay, the last
thing I want to see
before I hit this is your face.
Will you guys hang tight?
This Baskin root canal
shouldn't take more
than a few minutes.
Hey, you give that bitch
hell, all right, Joe?
For all of us, all right?
Okay, so, once
everyone signs off
on the final terms of payment,
my office will handle the rest,
unless you have any objections.
[sighs] Are you kidding?
We're only too happy to
finally put this to bed.
Okay, good.
[beep]
Hi, this is Sidney Pierce
representing the Baskins.
Hi, this is Joe, representing
my own goddamn self
'cause I can't afford a fuckin'
lawyer anymore thanks to you.
Okay, well, Mr. Schreibvogel,
I'm assuming that you received
the final schedule of payments.
Yeah, I got them,
but I can't make
these payments
during the winter.
And why's that?
Because this ain't Tampa.
I work a seasonal business.
How many kids you know
like walkin' around a zoo
freezin' their asses off?
So what are you proposing?
How about you show some
humanity and cut me a break?
I'm doin' everything I can here.
Um, one second please.
[line beeps]
Carole?
Can't do it.
I'm not here to make friends.
I have to do what's
best for the cats.
I'm afraid that's not
going to work for us, Joe.
Why don't you come out and
tell the truth, Carole,
that you won't stop till
you take my zoo from me.
Ain't that the big
fuckin' end game here?
Joe, this is Howard.
This isn't a negotiation.
You have no leverage here.
You know, this is all such
a big goddamn waste of time.
This is so far from
fuckin' being acceptable.
So why don't you
take those payments
and why don't you shove them
right up your lily white asses?
I'm sorry, who's
speaking please?
If you're not an official
part of these proceedings,
we're going to have to
terminate the call...
Jeff Lowe.
I'm Joe's new partner.
And you, Howard?
You can go fuck yourself.
And while you're at it, you
can fuck your cunt wife.
[exciting music]
Partner?
♪ ♪
What, do you wanna bet
that Howard and Carole
shit their diapers?
Only thing that would've
made that better
if I could've seen the
bitch's face when you said it.
That was goddamn inspired.
- Yeah, well, what can I say?
- Someone's gotta teach
those assholes they can't
fuck around with us anymore.
- Fuckin' A.
- Fuckin' A.
Okay. So how does this work?
I've never had a partner before.
- Well...
- [sighs]
The way I see it, you
got a zoo with no money.
I got money, but no zoo.
Seems like a win-win to me.
Yeah, but any money
you put in the zoo
is gonna end up in
the Baskins' pocket.
Right, okay, but what if,
on paper, it's not yours?
- I tried that.
- Signed it over to my mom.
Carole got the court to undo it.
Damn, she and her husband are
like goddamn legal ninjas.
Wait, wait, hold on a
second, you transferred it?
Oh, Joe, God damn it, man,
you can't do it like that.
Yeah, I mean, I know that now.
[sighs]
The Baskins aren't the only ones
with good lawyers,
okay, so follow me here.
We're gonna dissolve this zoo.
And we're going to
form a new entity
under my name, all right?
This way, if the Baskins
wanna come after us,
they're gonna have
to file a new lawsuit
and they're gonna get
tied up in court for years
and years to come and
they're gonna have to spend
every last goddamn
cent they have.
- Like the sound of that.
- I knew you would.
One condition though, Joe.
You gotta keep
running this place.
I got other businesses
I gotta attend to.
So I stay in charge?
Yeah, you stay in
charge, will you?
We'll even give you,
like, a fancy title
like creative director.
No, entertainment director.
Sure.
I like entertainment director.
Whatever.
Doesn't matter,
right? The point is,
nothing's gonna change, okay?
The Baskins are not gonna
be able to touch you.
Every dime that I give you
will go back into this zoo
to make it better
than ever before, mm?
Shit, Jeff, where
you been all my life?
[chuckles]
[rock music]
Can't believe those two
are banding together now.
They're desperate.
It's like the Joker and
Penguin have joined forces
to wreak havoc on New York City.
Gotham.
- What?
- [knock on door]
I just saw Sidney leave.
Does that mean
you guys are done?
Not as done as we hoped.
Aw.
You know what?
No.
We're gonna take Joe
down with all the others.
Let's do this.
If we're gonna pass
this bill in Washington,
we need to be prepared.
Bring in the binders, please!
[bright whimsical music]
♪ ♪
If you're not careful, you're
gonna crack that thing.
Joe left something for you.
You take it.
Wait, what?
You're gonna turn
down a free Xbox?
Ain't nothing free at this zoo.
Okay, come on, can we just
open it and play it please?
Look, if you're bored,
why don't you go
shoot some Tannerite?
I'm not bored.
Everybody has shit to
do here except for me.
[sighs]
You say that like
it's a bad thing.
[softly] Fuck it.
There you go.
Problem solved.
[soft dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[tense music]
[whispers] Wakey-wakey.
Ah! Shit!
[laughs]
What the hell, man?
Dude! Did you piss yourself?
You totally, totally
pissed yourself!
- Screw you, man.
- I wouldn't piss myself!
I was just tryin' to
rest for like ten minutes
while Joe was takin' a shit.
- Oh, dude, I'm sorry.
- I was just messin' around.
Are you mad at me?
It's not like I
pulled the trigger.
Ah...
I know you didn't mean anything
by it, you knucklehead.
Don't you got
something better to do?
Not really.
Hey, you okay?
Y... yeah.
No, it's just my
ride crapped out.
I was hoping you
could fix it for me.
You're lucky I like you, kid.
Grab my toolbox and some rags.
Wait, what?
Well, I ain't gonna
do it on my own.
I don't know how to do it.
Well, grab my toolbox
and I'll show you.
Help me roll it in.
All right, make
sure that's tight.
You don't want that
carburetor bouncing around.
Got it.
I think that's as
tight as it'll go.
All right, well, let's
start it up then.
[rock music playing on radio]
♪ ♪
[engine starts]
Holy shit! We did it.
Whoo!
Legends! [Laughs]
Whoo!
[both laugh]
Congressman Longstreet's
record on animal rights?
He supports the Lacey
Act, but he was quoted
in "The New York Times" as
saying that animal rights
are property rights.
Very good.
How many committee
members own cats?
Six.
By party?
Three Dem, two Repub.
That's only five.
Trick question,
Representative DeMartino
- is an independent.
- [chuckles]
Oh, I thought I had
you on that one.
Very good. I think you're ready.
- No, no, we gotta go again.
- No, Carole.
You've been cramming at
work, cramming at home.
- No, that sucked.
- We gotta go again.
- Have to go again.
- You need to work smart.
All right? Take a
break, relaxes the mind.
Howard, I cannot take a break.
Not now, please.
- Okay.
- No. Don't do that.
Just five minutes, then
we'll get back to it.
- ["Lady in Red" playing]
- Oh, no, no.
- There are 17 binders here...
- May I have this dance?
- May I have...
- No. I'm not a dancer.
[groans]
- Can't refuse the Howard.
- Okay, five minutes.
- Isn't that nice?
- ♪ Lady in red ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Is dancing with me ♪
You're still working.
- What?
- I'm sorry, I can't help it!
[doorbell rings] Oh, the door.
- Ah, and she escapes.
- Oh, dear, the door.
Slides. Slides.
No one can accuse you
of being underprepared.
[both chuckle]
Those Congress people have
no idea what's coming.
Yeah, a high school
dropout in a cat bra.
Mom? You got this.
No, seriously, what am I doing?
I can't even stop Joe Exotic.
I think I'm gonna get a
bill through Congress?
- Come on.
- Are you serious?
This is what you have
been working for.
I know, I just never thought
it would actually happen.
Yes, you did.
You always thought that
you could do things
that other people
said you couldn't.
You have sacrificed so
much for this chance, okay?
And it's all gonna be
worth it when you win.
I wasn't the only
one who sacrificed.
Why don't you come with me?
What?
To Washington, I think
you should come with me.
What about Valerie?
I mean, she's been
helping you prep.
Valerie is magical,
but Valerie...
[sighs] Is not my daughter.
You really want me to come?
Well, I can't bring Howard.
Howard is a distraction.
Howard will just make me dance.
- [laughs]
- Yeah?
You and me, Wash? Ah!
[ringing tone]
♪ ♪
I'm gonna be a dad?
- I'm gonna be a dad?
- [laughs]
- Are you fuckin' kidding me?
- Are you fuckin' kidding me?
John, what the hell's
goin' on in there?
Quit clowning around. I
can see you on my phone.
Sorry about that, Joe.
Just get back to work now!
No.
[tense music]
What the...
♪ ♪
John, what are you doing?
♪ ♪
You got a lot of
nerve, flippin' me off!
Amber's pregnant.
So, what do I care?
I'm the father.
Now, look,
I know you might find
this hard to hear,
and you and I been
through a lot.
But you gotta know the truth.
Look.
You screwed up.
It happens.
- Send her to the clinic...
- Excuse me?
And you and me, we'll
figure this out.
You don't fuckin' get it, man.
Don't tell me you have
feelings for that whore.
Don't talk about her like that.
Hey, what's goin' on?
This between me and
John and my ex-employee.
That's right, your
ass is fuckin' fired.
Yeah, I figured.
And if you're looking
for a recommendation,
here it is:
Fuck you and your goddamn twat
- that you rode in on!
- Yeah?
Guess what?
[thudding]
I'm goin' with her.
John, what are you doing?
You really gonna
walk away from me?
I'm the only one
who ever loved you.
You don't love people.
You collect them.
Just like those goddamn cats.
Bullshit!
You're gonna throw
away everything
over some used up
piece of trash?
I told you not to fuckin'
talk about her like that!
Okay, let's everyone
just calm down.
Fuck him. Fuck him.
Let's go.
I got news for you.
That baby is gonna grow up to be
a worthless piece of shit
just like both of you!
- Take it easy.
- Dude, take it easy.
John! John!
John! John!
Hey, hey!
[groans]
Rink, I'm sorry, man.
I'm okay, buddy.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
Take care of yourself.
Shit.
Hey, Joe, if you're
not up for it,
you can always give
these folks a raincheck.
I don't cancel shows.
Yeah?
[microphone feedback whines]
Hey, folks, who's ready
to see some tigers?
[cheers and applause] Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're ready.
Yeah, we got some
of the greatest...
We got great... we...
[feedback whines]
You know, people ask me why
I spend so much time with cats.
Pretty simple.
Cats don't want to
rip your heart out
and then stomp all over it.
Sometimes it seems like
there ain't no such thing
as loyalty anymore,
know what I mean?
The people you care
about the most,
well, they're the ones
that can break you,
and leave you for dead.
I ain't gonna lie.
It's hard for me to
be up here right now.
But you paid your
hard-earned money,
brought your families here.
Just didn't want
to let you down.
We're with you, Joe!
You been through hard
times, too, I bet.
You all know what it's
like to hurt, don't you?
I'm barely holding
on to my farm!
Yeah, I knew I
wasn't the only one.
We're all hurtin'
in this country.
Sometimes it feels
like people don't care.
That we're all alone.
But I'll tell you what.
It's you all that keep me going,
and I'm gonna keep you going.
[cheers and applause]
[sweeping music]
♪ ♪
I think I should
run for governor.
[laughs]
I mean it!
What do you know about politics?
Shit, Trump did it.
Do you even vote?
What's that got to
do with anything?
And what the hell are you
even doing here with Rink?
I was helpin' him
fix the tractor.
I'm actually getting
pretty good at it.
I gotta ask you, Joe,
this governor thing,
is this because... Is
this 'cause of John?
What?
- Just call him, man.
- Make peace.
You know, fuck John and that
skinny-ass home-wrecker.
He don't give a shit about
me, but the people out there,
they love me.
And they need someone
to fight for them.
All right, but
running for governor
ain't just words, Joe, you know?
You gotta build
a whole campaign,
and that takes
political know-how.
- You know, you're right.
- I wouldn't know where to start.
[determined music]
I know.
I'm gonna put an
ad on Craigslist.
♪ ♪
So you'll have ten minutes
for prepared remarks.
Then questions, five
minutes per representative.
Mm-hmm. Got it.
There's cameras, but
don't be nervous.
It's just C-SPAN.
- Ready?
- Yeah. Thanks.
♪ ♪
Oh, my God, this is insane.
- I know.
- [chuckles]
I have to get a photo.
Yes, but play it cool.
[camera shutter clicks] Okay.
Carole Baskin?
How the hell are ya? [Chuckles]
Forgive me. We haven't
officially met.
Doc Antle.
- Yes, I know who you are.
- Good.
You know, when I
heard about this bill,
I just knew I had to give
the committee a chance
to hear the other side.
You know, balance the
scales, so to speak.
Who is this lovely young lady?
- This is my daughter.
- Oh.
And she has come to watch
me castrate your business.
Is that ri...
[both laugh]
Well, I love that confidence.
Well, you break a leg.
But you should know that
I've known Joe Exotic
for quite a long time
and consider him a
protégé of sorts,
so I'm gonna enjoy
watching you choke.
You call me if you're
ever lookin' for work.
Aren't I too old for you?
Whoa! Feisty.
Just like her mom, huh?
Wink at my kid one more time.
- Sit down.
- Okay.
I was just offering a
job. No need to get upset.
Oh, God, I need a shower.
Mom, take no prisoners.
Got it.
[soft dramatic music]
Mrs. Baskin,
this committee has many
urgent issues to address.
Why is this the one that
demands our attention now?
It is imperative that
we pass this bill now
because as we sit here,
there are currently
twice as many tigers
living in captivity
as there are in the wild.
And these are cubs that
are brought into the world
exclusively for profit
and exploitation.
Think about it,
Congressman Rutledge.
These are babies.
And we're allowing them to live
in unregulated and
inhumane facilities.
And this is not
just a moral issue.
It is, of course, a
public safety issue.
500-pound carnivores
are dangerous animals
who will defend
themselves to the death.
Did you know, in many states,
it is easier to purchase a tiger
than it is to purchase a puppy?
Since 1990, there have been
more than 400
incidents of violence
involving big cats
in private homes,
resulting in 24 deaths,
5 of them children.
Just recently, an employee
in a zoo in Oklahoma
had his arm ripped
off by a tiger.
What would you do
if a tiger got loose
in your district?
And what would you say
to your constituents
when they asked what you'd
done to protect them?
♪ ♪
Thank you for your testimony
today, Mrs. Baskin.
We've all learned a lot.
Thank you for the opportunity.
Thank you.
[soft indistinct chatter]
In my professional opinion,
it's pretty late in the
game to enter the primary.
That being said, you're unlike
any other candidate running.
I'd love to start by
hearing your positions.
Doggy, mostly.
[laughs]
[laughing] Oh, that's funny.
But no, I mean your...
Look, Josh, nobody cares
about my positions.
They connect to me 'cause
I'm exactly who I say I am.
I told him this is crazy.
Ain't nothing wrong with crazy.
Look, the only way you
find out who you are,
put yourself out there
and say "fuck it."
So let's cut to the chase.
Do you think I could
win this thing or what?
Well, I have a
77-county strategy,
which I could really tailor
to your particular strengths.
You hear that, Rink?
He thinks I could
really pull this off.
Just curious.
How many winning
campaigns have you run?
Well
zero.
But I haven't had any
losing ones either.
- What?
- You've never run a campaign?
How do you, like,
make your money?
- I work at Walmart.
- [chuckles]
I know I don't have
a lot of experience,
but I was a poli-sci
major in college,
I study politics in
all my free time,
and growing up as a
gay kid in Oklahoma,
there was one person
I looked up to
who wasn't afraid of
being out and proud.
And that's you, Joe.
So if you're willing
to take a chance on me,
I'm willing to ride with you.
Well, I...
I think we've heard
all we need to.
Where do we start?
[patriotic music]
Ladies and gentleman,
I've tried drugs,
I've had some of the
kinkiest sex you can imagine,
and I'm broke as shit.
But I took a bare piece of land
and turned it into the
largest privately-owned zoo
in America.
And I'll fix up
Oklahoma the same way.
I don't care if
you're Republican,
a Democrat,
a pot smoker, or a meth head.
I've never shrunk from a fight,
and I will fight for you.
I am Joe Maldonado,
and I am running for Governor
of the great state of Oklahoma.
♪ ♪
It's just a mock up, but
what do you think?
Well, Josh, that's gotta be
one of the most
boring pieces of shit
I ever seen in my life.
Will you look at me?
Is there anything about
me that screams boring?
Put some tiger stripes in there.
Put my name in
purple or hot pink.
We gotta grab this
audience by the nut sack.
Okay.
And hey, one more thing.
When it's done, I want
you to slap that bad boy
all over Wynnewood
so my ex John can see what
a fuckin' mistake he made.
- Got it?
- Copy that.
In the meantime, I'd like
to get your numbers up.
How's it looking?
Flash poll has us at 8%.
- Damn.
- That's kind of a great start.
It's 8% of registered
Libertarians.
It's only a few hundred people.
But we can make up ground.
There's a parade this
afternoon in Pauls Valley.
That's a good opportunity.
- Hey. Joe.
- [knocks on wall]
Can I talk to you for
a sec? I need to...
Need to, uh
what's going on here?
I'm running for governor, Jeff.
I'm gonna clean this state up.
I... I thought you were
supposed to be running the zoo.
This campaign's gonna be
the best thing to ever
happen to this zoo.
More people know my name,
more people gonna
be coming here.
You got the best
entertainment director
money can buy.
Yeah, yeah, I'll bet.
Wanna come outside?
There's somebody I
want you to meet.
Sure.
Un-fucking-believable.
[gritty rock music]
♪ ♪
Jesus Christ.
Joe, meet Allen Glover.
We used to work together, and
if it's all right with you,
I'd like to bring him
on, help out around here.
- And do what?
- Scare little kids?
Well, I guess if he's
good enough for you,
welcome aboard.
All righty then.
I got some babies to
kiss. Take it easy.
The fuck kind of freak
show you bring me to?
- There you are.
- What are you doing?
Watching porn?
You wish.
Actually, I'm thinking
about taking a class
and learning how to
put engines together.
What for?
I don't know, I
just, like, think
it'd be fun to
try something new.
You know? Fuck it, right?
[chuckles]
There's a class coming
up real soon, so...
- Uh-huh.
- You gotta put that on hold.
I need you right now.
- For what?
- For what?
I'm running for governor.
I need my husband.
We got a parade
to get ready for.
- Come on!
- Okay.
You know, as a private
big cat owner myself,
I feel it's important to correct
some of the ugly allegations
that have been
lobbed against us.
Carole Baskin told us that
we should make sweeping laws
based on the actions
of a few bad apples.
Well, let me ask you.
Would Mrs. Baskin take
every citizen's
driver's license away
because a few people
drank too much
and got behind the wheel?
I think we can all agree
that that would be insane.
My fellow cat owners
and I love our animals,
and we believe in conservation.
But the only way to
get the general public
to save the tigers is
to give them a chance
to interact and fall
in love with them.
But those are just words, so
let me show you what I mean.
[crowd murmuring]
[tense music]
♪ ♪
[crowd gasps, coos]
Ladies and gentleman,
meet Sheba.
Six weeks old
and the innocent subject
of all this fighting.
Mrs. DeMartino, would you
like to say hello to Sheba?
There we go.
There we go.
There we are.
- [all aww-ing]
- So cute.
- Now, don't be shy.
- You can say hello.
She won't bite. [Chuckles]
Now, look how happy
that little cub is.
[laughs]
What is wrong with this?
Nothing.
We can try and get
it through committee
in a year or two.
- I just don't...
- I don't understand.
- My mom did everything right.
- Yeah.
Sometimes it's not
about who's right.
There are other factors.
Like what?
With some members,
it's a gut instinct...
Who they connect with.
What, and they
connected with him?
Enough of them did.
Did any of your
colleagues actually think
that she was wrong?
See, that's not fair.
It's politics.
Fairness doesn't get
a seat at the table.
It was hard for me to understand
the first time too.
Carole.
Chin up.
♪ ♪
[engine purring]
[engine turns off]
[crickets chirping]
The fuck?
Hey, Joe, the gate's locked.
Yeah.
Well, can you open it for me?
On my way.
Hey.
Hey, since when do we
lock the gate around here?
Since I needed to
clamp down on security.
You know we can't
trust nobody no more.
Where you going anyway?
Oh, I was going to
the night class.
Remember? I told you.
Yeah, I thought we decided
that you weren't gonna
do that right now.
Well, you decided.
I didn't think it
was such a big deal.
- Oh, you didn't, huh?
- It's just a class, Joe.
Look, I'm under a shit-load
of pressure right now.
I'm running for
fucking governor.
- I know.
- Well, that... that's your thing.
You know? What's mine?
To be there for me.
I am, okay? I can do both.
Look, why don't you
just come on home?
I'll get us a pizza.
You can pack a nice
fat bowl and relax.
How does that sound?
No.
- You want something stronger?
- No!
I don't want to do
that shit anymore!
- What the fuck do you want?
- Something to do!
Everybody's got a purpose
here except for me!
I want a purpose!
A purpose?
I gave you a place
where no one's gonna
fucking hurt you!
So you just wanna leave me, huh?
Just like John?
What are you talking about, Joe?
I don't want to leave you.
I just want something.
Don't play fucking
stupid with me!
Is that lock on the
gate to keep people out,
or to keep us in?
[tense music]
♪ ♪
I told you I needed you.
But if you want to go,
go!
Just go!
You didn't have anybody to
look after you before, did you?
Nobody gave a fucking
shit about you,
and you think now,
things are gonna be different
for some fucking reason?
Let me get one thing straight.
You step outside that gate,
there ain't no coming back.
You can fuck off forever.
[soft dramatic music]
So
You leaving or what?
♪ ♪
No.
Good.
♪ ♪
[sighs]
Here, let me.
One day, I believe
you'll see this
as a necessary step on
the path to victory.
You just gotta keep at it.
Yeah. That's what I thought.
I always told Jamie,
"You knock on the door.
If they don't let you in,
you knock the door down."
[chuckles] Exactly.
Well, that's how you got
to the halls of Congress
in the first place...
By being strong,
determined, prepared.
And they hated me for it.
They sided with the jackass
in the safari hat
who has a harem.
Yeah, well, they made a mistake.
[sighs] I don't know.
I just don't see why it
would go any differently
the next time.
Or ever.
They didn't vote
against the bill
'cause they didn't
like the bill.
They voted against the bill
'cause they didn't like me.
I'm not fun. I'm not... wild.
I'm... I'm stiff.
You don't know why
you don't like me,
but you just don't.
I'm...
[sighs]
I'm a blonde woman
with strong convictions
and a sturdy Midwestern accent.
We all know how that goes down.
All right, you got
knocked down this time.
But I also know
one of the things
Jamie admires about you the most
is that you don't
stay down for long.
[Radiohead's "My Iron Lung"]
[dreamy rock music]
♪ ♪
♪ Faith, you're
driving me away ♪
♪ ♪
Looking good.
There's my future first
husband of Oklahoma.
Smile.
Come on, smile.
[camera shutter clicks]
Yeah, that's it.
I'm gonna put this right
up on my Facebook page.
♪ I'm receiving pain ♪
♪ A lack of oxygen ♪
♪ From my life support ♪
♪ My iron lung ♪
♪ ♪
You know, the thing
no one tells you
about Neverland is,
after all the flying
and fighting pirates
and hanging with fairies...
♪ Fall asleep ♪
Then what?
♪ Too cynical to speak ♪
All those lost boys?
Well, there's a
reason they were lost.
But maybe it isn't
the reason you think.
♪ ♪
Maybe it's 'cause, eventually,
they wanted to leave Neverland.
But they just couldn't
find a way out.
♪ ♪
Hey.
Oh, hey, Travis, I'm just
getting some work done, okay?
[exhales] Sure.
You won't even notice me.
♪ ♪
Travis, can you not play with
that thing in here please?
I'm just having some fun.
Please just put it down.
Serious... man, it's
not funny, all right?
Put it down.
Relax.
It can't fire unless
there's a clip in it.
[gunshot ringing]
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
How about when Shaq came by
to see those tigers, man?
Remember, and he came back
just to hang out with Travis.
Some crazy shit, man.
Shaq loved Travis.
Mm-hmm.
How about the time Travis asked
if he could jump
over me on his ATV?
[laughter] What the heck?
That kid was so stupid.
[sighs]
Damn, that kid sure
had a glow about him.
[chainsaw revving]
Hey! Do you mind?
We're grievin' over here!
[chainsaw shuts off]
What?
I said we're grievin'!
Fuckin' crybabies.
[crickets chirping]
It was an accident, right?
We all want fairy
tales to end happy.
[somber, ethereal music]
The evil queen dies.
The girl gets the prince.
The kid with the big
nose becomes a real boy.
But the truth is,
the real world is full
of poisoned apples
and dragons.
♪ ♪
In the real world, you
gotta fend for yourself.
And there ain't no fairy
godmother to save you.
♪ ♪
[sobbing]
[screaming] No!
[gunshot rings]
No! [Gunshot rings]
[screaming and gunfire]
No!
Happily ever after, my ass.
[The National's "Runaway"]
♪ There's no saving anything ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Now we're swallowing
the shine of the summer ♪
♪ There's no saving anything ♪
♪ ♪
♪ How we swallow the sun ♪
♪ But I won't be no runaway ♪
♪ 'Cause I won't run ♪
♪ ♪
♪ No, I won't be no runaway ♪
♪ What makes you
think I'm enjoying ♪
♪ Being led to the flood? ♪
♪ We got another
thing coming undone ♪
♪ ♪
♪ And it's taking us over ♪
♪ We don't bleed ♪
♪ When we don't fight ♪
♪ Go ahead, go ahead ♪
♪ Throw your arms
in the air tonight ♪
♪ We don't bleed ♪
♪ When we don't fight ♪
♪ Go ahead, go ahead ♪
♪ Lose our shirts in
the fire tonight ♪
♪ What makes you
think I'm enjoying ♪
♪ Being led to the flood? ♪
♪ We got another
thing coming undone ♪
♪ ♪
♪ But I won't be no runaway ♪
♪ 'Cause I won't run ♪
♪ No, I won't be no runaway ♪
♪ 'Cause I won't run ♪
♪ No, I won't be no runaway ♪
♪ What makes you
think I'm enjoying ♪
♪ Being led to the flood? ♪
♪ We got another thing ♪