Joe vs. Carole (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Sanctuary - full transcript
[line ringing]
[dramatic music]
Hey, all you cool
cats and kittens.
You've reached Carole
Baskin at Big Cat Rescue.
Leave me a message, won't you?
[beep]
Well, how 'bout that?
It's Carole Baskin's voice mail.
How you doin' tonight,
Carole Baskin's voice mail?
Me, I'm not doin' too good,
not that you give a shit.
Anybody tell you how stupid
your goddamn voice sounds?
[microwave beeps] Makes
me wanna fuckin' puke.
You think you can just cut
the head off my business
and I'm gonna be okay with it?
Well, I'm not okay with it.
I'm a fiery fuckin'
phoenix, Carole Baskin,
and when I burn up,
I'm just gonna rise
from my own goddamn
ashes, you fuckin' bitch.
And I'm gonna fucking...
[phone clatters] Shit!
I am stronger than anyone
or anything you ever met
in your goddamn life,
and if you know
what's good for you,
you'll be shakin' in
your Uggs, you no-good,
two-bit, motherfucking
backwards-twatted cunt.
♪ ♪
This is Joe Exotic, by the way.
[phone beeps]
♪ ♪
[tiger growls]
[indistinct chatter]
[door clicks open]
Uh, two masses
removed without issue,
but
the liver's too far gone.
As the cancer progresses, her
pain levels will increase.
Might be time to think
about what's best
for Chairman Meow,
instead of what hurts us less.
I get it. [Chuckles]
Guess we didn't get
there in time, huh?
Um, can I just, um...
Can I have a moment alone
with her to say goodbye?
[monitor beeping]
Hi, sweet pie.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
[tiger moaning]
♪ ♪
[sniffles]
♪ ♪
Good girl.
I'm sorry, sweet pie.
♪ ♪
[tiger cub mewling]
Here comes another one.
Come on, you sexy bitch.
Oh! All right, I got it.
- Yeah.
- There you go, buddy.
Got that shit all over it.
That's the same shit
you were covered in
when you came out, bud.
- Female.
- Phew! Doc, check 'em out!
Excuse me, ladies.
Well, that's a
good-sized litter, Joe.
Thank you.
Cats I usually breed
haven't turned out
this many in a while.
Well, the air around Oklahoma's
sweeter than Myrtle Beach,
and it makes my
tigers real horny.
Yeah.
Oh, now, look, she is a beauty.
We don't have anything
with markings like that
at Safari Park.
- That one's precious.
- Mm.
- This one?
- Yeah, that one.
Well, she's yours, then.
Huh? Anything for my girls.
[laughter]
Okay, so we'll...
We'll take those two.
Now, uh, what'd we
say, $2,500 a head?
- Now, wait a minute.
- You got a big operation.
You're gonna need all kinds
of new blood comin' in.
How about that guy?
He's a killer for sure.
Yeah, no, I'm good, Joe.
Can we talk, Doc?
I'm in a tough spot
right now, Doc.
With no road shows right
now, I got next to no income.
I can barely afford to
feed the cats I got,
let alone a few new ones.
Yeah, well, that Carole Baskin's
got a target on all of us, Joe.
- Yeah.
- [laughter]
And I'm sorry about
your situation,
but I can't afford any more.
We're friends from way back.
Help me out, please! [Chuckles]
Well, I'll tell you,
you know what Vern
Owens used to do
when he was in this spot?
He'd make room.
Yeah, well, I don't.
I love my cats. I-I
could never hurt 'em.
Yeah, of course not.
I wasn't suggesting
it. It's horrible.
Yeah.
Well, I'm sure you'll
think of something.
Ladies!
Mmm, ain't nothin'
like a mom-cooked meal.
Tried to cook it medium
rare, but I overdid it.
Mm.
Steak's great, Mom, thanks.
Hey, you know I hate to ask.
We've been having
some money problems.
- I gave you $5,000 last month.
- What happened to that?
Spent it on meat.
And I guess I can
put 'em on a diet,
but you ever heard
a hungry cat roar?
It's like to break your heart.
They'll be all like...
[mimics moaning tiger]
Well, I don't wanna see
the poor things suffer,
- but, Joe...
- If I can't feed 'em, Mom,
I might have to put the
whole zoo up for sale.
How much do you need?
Oh, maybe 15 grand,
20 if you got it.
Thanks, Mom.
And these vegetables, how
do you get them so tender?
It's incredible. [Door opens]
I'm home, Grandma.
[door slams] The hell
are you doing here?
Well, look who it is,
resting witch face.
Grandma, you're not
writing him another check.
Mind your own damn business.
This is my business.
I'm the one who takes
care of Grandma.
You just come by
to mooch off her.
That's a humanitarian
right there.
You wanna stop her from
supporting animals in need?
Ten grand?
You really burn me
up, you know that?
Not my fault you don't
know how to budget.
I wouldn't even need
the money if it weren't
for that bitch down in Florida.
Who?
I told you, Carole Baskin.
She's messing with
my livelihood.
Yeah? Go take it
up with her, then.
She won't call me back.
What am I supposed to
do, drive to Florida
and show up on her doorstep?
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Hey, Crystal said
she had some forms
she wanted you to sign.
Forget that.
Need you to gas up the truck.
I'm goin' on a road trip.
[keys jangling]
You got it.
Hey, maybe you wanna come with?
We can make it a boys' weekend.
Where we headed?
Tampa, Florida.
What's in Florida?
The queen bitch herself...
Carole fuckin' Baskin.
♪ ♪
That brings us to
our 20-minute window
for public comment.
Yes, thank you.
Carole Baskin, CEO and
founder, Big Cat Rescue.
Please keep it limited to
three minutes, Mrs. Baskin.
Of course.
[people murmuring]
I agree, it's upsetting.
This beautiful creature
passed away this morning,
after years of being held
captive by a motley crew
of private traders and
wildlife "enthusiasts."
But if I sat at home grieving,
I wouldn't be upholding
my responsibility to the
animals I've sworn to protect.
So I am here... Not
for the first time...
To ask this committee to revoke
the Class 1 wildlife permit
held by Grigore Zaharia.
[chuckles]
Speak of the devil.
Every month, I come down
here to defend myself
because nebuna asta
is after me again.
Nebuna asta, you
say that every time.
What is that?
I have never seen that
tiger before in my life.
It's... yes, okay,
this individual tiger
was not in his possession,
but it's representative
of what happens to the
tigers under his care.
I've received several
anonymous complaints
from former employees, all
citing the same concerns:
Untreated wounds,
starvation diets...
All my animals, down to the last
pink flamingo, are
happy and healthy.
Then open your gates
and let us inside.
If you have nothing to
hide, why ban public access?
I swam across the Danube
to escape the Iron Curtain.
I won't be interrogated
by Comrade Baskin,
not when the Constitution
guarantees me
a right to property.
The curtain fell a long
time ago, my friend,
and these are living
things, not property.
The committee needs
to demand access
to his animals and
see for yourself...
Do you have any evidence
to support your
claim, Mrs. Baskin?
I don't know if you can tell,
Mr. Zaharia is a very
intimidating man.
And I think the fact
that my tipsters
were not willing to go
public is indicative...
We can't revoke a
legally granted permit
based on hearsay.
Request denied.
Woof.
Sorry that didn't go your way.
Well, I didn't get
Joe at first either.
Slow and steady wins
the race, my love.
That's right. That's right.
Well, I have to get
on the road to Miami.
- Oh.
- I'll be back Thursday.
What company are you
fixing this time?
Oh, windows and
doors manufacturer.
Yeah, their financials
were a mess.
It's gonna take me
months to unravel
and put a new plan in place.
I am so excited.
[laughter]
Well, you're a
genius and you can
- wear the hell out of a suit.
- That's right.
They needed the big guns.
Pop, pop, pop, pop.
Ow, my heart.
Come here, you.
- I'll miss you.
- Miss you.
Hm.
♪ ♪
You planning something,
or do I not wanna know?
♪ ♪
I'll be careful.
All I ask.
I don't choose who
I go after, Howie.
- They choose me.
- I know.
♪ ♪
♪ You got a few names for me ♪
♪ Some might be true and
some just seem mean ♪
You touch my music
one more time,
we're gonna have words.
Someone's in a mood.
I mean, I don't recall
inviting you along.
You said you wanted
a guys' weekend.
Yeah, and I ain't been on one
of those in a long-ass time,
and Tampa's the strip
club capital of the world.
I'm ready to tackle
some clam, baby.
Well, I got bigger
tits on my plate.
Shit, like what?
He's gonna walk into
Carole Baskin's office,
he's gonna sit her down,
and he's gonna charm the
granny panties off her.
Oh, that is one claptrap I
would not wanna get caught in.
Ten minutes in the same room,
me and her'll be hugging it out.
And I'll get my road show back.
I'll be in the black again...
Or the red, whichever
the good one is.
Mm, I'm not so sure
she'll talk to you,
especially after all
them voice mails.
Yeah. How bad were they?
Oh, dude, even I learned a few
new cuss words, and
that's saying something.
Well, I got feelings!
She can't hold that against me.
I mean, we ain't so different,
me and Carole Baskin.
Ain't nobody loves tigers
more than me, she'll see.
All right, Florida,
here we come!
You boys ever been there?
♪ ♪
[speaking Spanish]
I mean, I love Dr. Mead,
but if you're gonna ask me
to hold a stress position, at
least buy me a drink first.
[laughter]
Hey, Joe, you coming to
the gym this afternoon?
No.
Hurts too much.
Well, your X-rays
show progress, Joe.
Your biggest problem is mental.
Maybe tomorrow.
Look, Joe, if you're
not gonna do the rehab,
why'd you come all
the way to Florida?
♪ ♪
[monkey chattering]
- [laughter]
- He's so cute.
- This monkey is so funny.
- I know, he's trouble.
- I love him!
- He's so cute.
Ah, finally feeling
sociable, huh?
[wings fluttering]
I was just wondering what
all the fuss was about.
- I'm Emilio.
- This is my boyfriend, Isaac.
Hey.
Hi, I'm Joe.
Are these all your animals?
I help run a petting zoo.
Sometimes they let
us borrow the animals
so they don't get lonely.
Or so we don't.
Isaac brings them by
when I'm feeling low.
Had to have a couple
of pins in my hip
after a slip and
fall in the tub.
Humiliating.
Hey, could've
happened to anybody.
What are you in for?
Car accident.
- Are you from Miami?
- No, I'm from Texas.
My girlfriend said this
was the best place.
Can I hold your cub?
Sure, come on in.
Leave the walker there, though.
Are you serious?
You wanna pet the cub,
you gotta work for it.
Okay.
[bird squawking]
Yeah.
I grew up on a ranch,
and we had horses
and sheep and chickens
but nothing like this.
Well, get ready
to get pissed on.
[chuckles]
Oh.
[soft music]
- Oh, my God.
- Mm-hmm.
What do I... how do...
It's just like feeding a baby.
♪ ♪
He's so tiny.
Yeah, watch, though.
In six months, he'll
weigh 100 pounds
and no one will be able
to tell him what to do.
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, there he goes.
- Oh!
Oh!
♪ ♪
Yeah.
Yeah!
11.
12. Nice, Joe, nice.
I can keep going.
One more set, you're done.
Looking good, Schreibvogel.
Feeling good.
Looks like you'll be out
of here soon, going home.
Bet your girlfriend
will be thrilled.
Hey, you never told me her name.
Kim.
She's... she's great.
She's a teacher, so, you know,
she'll probably make
a good mom someday.
Meeting her, best thing
that ever happened to me.
Who are you trying to
convince, me or you?
What are you talking about?
Please, I had you pegged the
second I laid eyes on you.
What was your plan?
Marry this girl,
pretend to be someone you're not
the rest of your life?
No.
I was gonna kill myself.
Drove myself off a bridge.
[somber music]
"Car accident," huh?
♪ ♪
You know, being out
is a hell of a lot
better than being dead.
Easy for you to say.
You got a whole life.
You got someone who loves you.
You can have all that too.
It's hard in Texas.
It's hard everywhere.
But if you stick around
here, at least you have us.
We make our family.
♪ ♪
Okay.
I think that's everything.
Isaac and I have
a fold-out sofa.
You're welcome to stay
as long as you need.
Gotta tell Kim the truth.
Plus, I like cowboys.
There ain't no cowboys in Miami.
[chuckles]
Thank you.
Okay, my friend.
[speaking Spanish]
You ready?
Good. You and me both, buddy.
[engine turning over]
No sign of the asset.
Oh, there he is.
There you are.
The asset is taking
out the trash.
I've been spotted.
[horn honks] Oh, shit... oh.
♪ ♪
[dramatic music]
[footsteps crunching]
[knocking]
[window whirring]
What are you doing, Mrs. Baskin?
I wanna talk to you...
Away from here
so your boss can't see us.
Why would I talk to you?
You're enemy number one.
- I'm not...
- I am his enemy, not yours.
You know what I mean?
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
Oh, check it out,
they got firecrackers.
Is anybody else's
tummy growling?
I saw a sign back there
for some stone crabs.
Ain't you got enough
crabs already?
- [laughter]
- Oh, come on.
I think we should take a look
around before we get dinner.
I wanna find a
present for Carole.
A present?
Ah, she might've got the
wrong impression of me,
you know, from
those voice mails.
Thought a peace
offering would help,
something like that rug, yeah.
Ah! I think she likes
her tigers alive, Joe.
Yeah, fair enough.
Hold the fuckin' phone.
What about that?
Oh, my God, that's it!
And look, it's a bargain too.
What do you think, John?
John?
They eat a gallon
of these baby shrimp
in, like, five minutes flat.
- No way.
- Yeah.
Look, Joe, newborn gators.
Yeah.
Tiny little fuckers, ain't they?
Mm-hmm.
What if I bought you a couple?
- You serious?
- Sure.
Ship 'em out to the
zoo. Build a pen.
You could raise 'em
up, take care of them.
I ain't taken care
of anything before.
Well, you helped birth
those cubs, didn't you?
You're a natural.
Sure it's not too expensive?
Who gives a shit about
how much it costs?
When you're with me,
everything's taken
care of... Gator Man.
Gator Man?
That's badass.
I'll take care of everything.
You just pick out the names.
[clicking tongue]
- Hi, Jenny. How are you?
- Hi, good.
- How are you?
- This is my new friend.
- Hello.
- [chuckles]
Uh, could I get the...
What am I gonna have?
[muttering indistinctly]
All right, frick it.
Can I just do the
chickpea patty, please,
extra onions, pickles,
pickles all day,
no tempeh... ugh...
No carrots, lettuce,
tomato, fine,
zesty sauce on the
side... No, on it.
- On?
- On.
No, on the side.
And, um, no sprouts.
Did you know that sprouts
are the number three
carrier of salmonella?
Sprouts!
I'll get a glass of water.
You sure? I'm payin'.
- Thank you.
- You got five minutes.
Yeah.
How'd you come to work
for Mr. Zaharia, anyway?
I worked in animal
care over at ZooTampa.
My back crapped out,
they laid me off.
Zaharia gave me a job,
no questions asked.
Pretty decent of him.
Too bad about the way
he treats his animals.
You could change things
for those cats, you know.
What are you getting at?
If you were to bring a
camera into the facility...
[laughs]
Now I know you're crazy.
I'm not crazy,
I took down Joe Exotic,
I can take down Zaharia too.
All I need is a few
decent photographs.
You're the only one
that can get in there.
And, what, just put
myself out of a job?
I got a family, bills to pay.
I can't just turn
my life upside down,
no matter how much
I love those cats.
Hmm, I would hate
for money to stand
in the way of doing
the right thing.
$5,000?
[clears throat]
[dramatic music]
Ten'd be better.
♪ ♪
Can't we leave this
damn thing in the truck?
It's a true objet d'art.
Can't just leave
that lying around.
People'll steal it.
Ain't no one gonna steal
that piece of shit.
Can you put it over there?
Oh, check this out.
The soap looks just
like a seashell.
Yeah, well, don't be stingy
with it, you stinky bastard.
Oh, it ain't my fault,
after being crammed
in that truck with
you two for 18 hours.
This piece-of-shit
lock is busted.
Like anyone's trying
to see you naked.
- [chuckles]
- See you in an hour, boys.
[door shuts]
They got this thing called
a mermaid show here, or...
We could take a helicopter
ride over the bay.
Says we might see sharks.
John, that's tourist shit.
We gotta focus on our mission:
Carole fuckin' Baskin.
Thought we'd have time for
a little fun, at least.
We're gonna have fun.
[fuse sizzling]
[chuckles]
[firecracker bangs]
Oh!
Holy fucking shit!
[laughter] God damn it!
Man, fuck you guys!
You all right in there?
[Eileen's "These Boots
Are Made For Walkin'"]
♪ ♪
[singing in French]
♪ ♪
[groaning]
Ooh, the water's incredible!
My God.
Get your ass in front of
one of these jets here.
It's like a deep-tissue
massage up my god...
Oh, I can feel it in my throat.
It's deep.
You mind telling me what the
hell is going on with you?
What do you mean?
Are you embarrassed to
be seen with me, huh?
Are you afraid strangers
are gonna think you're gay?
Come on, man.
Lookit, you're so uncomfortable,
you can't even look at me.
I'm uncomfortable
because this bathing suit
you wanted me to wear has
got my nuts in a vise grip.
You been weird for days.
Flirting with every girl from
Wynnewood to Tallahassee,
inviting that boner killer
in there on what was supposed
to be a romantic weekend.
I mean
are you even attracted to me?
I think it's pretty
obvious I am.
Well, it ain't obvious to me.
'Cause I think this
thing we have...
Could be real.
You like me?
- Well, don't say it like that.
- I'm not.
I knew you liked fucking me,
but I didn't think you
had feelings for me.
Jeez.
I feel like I'm in goddamn
middle school here.
You gonna make me ask?
Do you feel the
same way or what?
I don't know.
The only relationship
I ever been in,
my girlfriend cheated on me.
I don't know, I guess
I just need more time
to figure out how I feel.
Don't keep me hanging too long.
I won't.
Hey, move over. Quit
hogging those jets.
I wanna feel that famous jet
you've been talkin' about.
[The Marshall Tucker
Band's "Can't You See"]
♪ ♪
- Let's see. Let's see.
- Let's see. Let's see.
Oh!
Oh, my gosh, that's gorgeous.
Very Georgia O'Keeffe.
Will you take that to
Cheryl in the gift shop
and tell her we have more
"Paw-cassos" on the way?
- Sure thing.
- Thank you so much.
[phone ringing] Really
beautiful stuff. Wait.
Hello?
It's going down.
[clicks tongue] Let's roll.
What is this?
What do you want?
Ah, look at him.
Those photos must have been bad
for the committee to
move this quickly.
Mm, Daniel came through.
Those cats are gonna get a
second chance because of him.
It's because of you.
Oh, look, they're fighting.
[laughs]
Wish I had popcorn.
[chuckles]
[radio tuning] Oh.
[Maroon 5's "Moves
Like Jagger" playing]
♪ I've got them
moves like Jagger ♪
♪ I've got them
moves like Jagger ♪
♪ ♪
$25 a damn person,
that's highway robbery.
Pretty good-looking operation.
She's got cages. I got cages.
Looks the same to me.
Okay, hi, everyone.
My name is Tyler.
I'm gonna be taking you
on your tour of Big
Cat Rescue today.
Our sanctuary provides
forever homes for big cats
from abusive or
neglected backgrounds.
For instance, over
there, you'll see Paloma.
She came to us
through a drug raid
but is now thriving, so...
Would ya listen to that?
Looks like Paloma
was a drug addict.
- Wonder what her poison was...
- Pills, reefer?
China white tiger?
[laughter]
Look how nice this
fuckin' place is.
Shut up.
So tigers like Sasha here
can sometimes sleep
up to 20 hours a day.
Pretty crazy, huh?
Okay, let's take the bridge
over to Bobcat Island.
Cool, all right, let's...
[dramatic percussive music]
I'm gonna look for Carole now.
All right, give her my regards.
♪ ♪
Scuse me, miss.
I wonder if you might point me
in the direction of the office.
Uh, well, the office is
off-limits to the public.
Well, I'm not the public.
I'm a colleague
of Carole Baskin.
Just came by for a little chat.
So do you have an appointment?
Not technically, but she's
gonna wanna hear from me.
[tense music]
♪ ♪
Val?
Yeah?
Can you cut a check for $10,000
and make it out to
Daniel Marsh, please?
- That's a lot of money.
- I know.
He took pictures of Zaharia's
cats so we could rescue them.
Wait, what, you bribed him?
It's not a bribe.
A bribe is paying someone
to do something illicit.
This man is being
fairly compensated
for doing the Lord's work.
I'd say the cats
justify the means.
[phone rings]
Sorry.
Hi, sweetheart.
What do you need?
Hey, I've got Joe Schreibvogel.
He wants to talk to you.
Oh, my God, this guy
doesn't know when to quit.
He's calling your phone now too?
- No, I mean he's here.
- He's in the sanctuary.
♪ ♪
Say that one more time?
He's here?
[tense music]
What's going on?
♪ ♪
Sweetheart, what does Joe want?
♪ ♪
She wants to know what
this is regarding.
Well, I thought it was
about damn time me and her
broke bread together.
I even bought her
a little present.
It's sittin' right
outside in my truck.
Did you hear that?
Yes, I heard that, thank you.
Should we hear him out?
♪ ♪
Jamie,
here's what I want you to do.
Okay.
Oh, I understand.
Okay, right this way.
Well, good.
I know if we could
just sit down and talk,
we can come to an understanding.
I mean, we both
like cats, right?
Yeah, you got a nice setup here,
though this chicken wire
ain't gonna hold a hamster,
let alone an adult tiger.
You know, I think
the only difference
between me and Carole is our
opinion about cub pettin'.
You know, I believe that
if you hold a tiger,
you're gonna wanna spend
the rest of your life
tryin' to save them,
you know what I mean?
This ain't the office.
[dramatic music]
I just wanted to talk.
I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave.
[scoffs]
Right now, or else.
♪ ♪
[pool balls clatter]
[Glen Campbell's "Rhinestone
Cowboy" playing over speakers]
♪ There's been a load
of compromising ♪
♪ On the road to my horizon ♪
♪ But I'm gonna be ♪
♪ Where the lights
are shinin' on me ♪
♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪
♪ Riding out on a horse
in a star-spangled rodeo ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪
♪ Getting cards and letters ♪
♪ From people I
don't even know ♪
♪ And offers comin'
over the phone ♪
♪ ♪
Hey.
Hey!
What do you think you're doing?
You can't bring
that thing in here.
I'll take a shot
of Jim Beam for me
and a bowl of milk
for my friend.
You gotta be kiddin' me.
You need to leave
right now, or else.
You ever pet a tiger before?
Or a tiger's owner?
♪ On the road to my horizon ♪
♪ But I'm gonna be ♪
♪ Where the lights
are shinin' on me ♪
♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪
♪ Riding out on a horse
in a star-spangled rodeo ♪
♪ ♪
♪ A rhinestone cowboy ♪
[engine turning over]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, I keep coming
up $200 short.
Oh, yeah, I gave
$200 to Trip Malloy.
How do you expect me
to reconcile the books
when you don't tell me
where the damn money is?
I love when you
go all CPA on me.
Oh, you mean when I talk
about accounts receivable?
You really wanna do this?
Liquidity.
Hostile takeover.
[chuckling]
All right, what'd you
spend the money on?
Equipment.
And what is that
supposed to mean?
There's a lion needs a home.
She's got one foot
that's all mangled.
We can afford it.
It's not about the money.
We've already got a tiger
we don't have room for.
Now you wanna take in a lion?
This is a pet
store, not a circus.
I know, but we could
be doing so much more,
not just selling hamsters
that are gonna eat it
in six months anyway.
This place could be our
own little wild kingdom.
Mr. Schreibvogel!
Stan, we sent our rent
check in last week.
We got a problem.
Really?
Since when are flags
against the rules?
Since I bought this
building two months ago.
Pursuant to clause 14 - B
of your lease agreement,
banners and flags
will not be permitted.
Pursuant to my ass.
This wouldn't have
anything to do with my flag
being rainbow-colored, would it?
You have 24 hours
to take them down...
Or you're out.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
[spray bottle spritzing]
[car door shuts]
Oh, you're cleaning.
That can't be good.
You know, pricks like
him won't leave us alone
till we're back in
the closet or dead.
Now, I got a whole life now,
I got someone who loves me,
and I ain't going quietly.
It's just a flag, Joe.
It's not just a fuckin'
flag, and you know it.
So what do you wanna do?
I don't know.
Maybe I'll go to
his office tomorrow.
And then what?
Maybe I'll bring my gun,
make him feel small.
All right,
but there's a cost
to going to war,
even if you didn't start it.
Don't it eat at you?
Of course it does,
but that landlord's just pissed
'cause he's soft and bald
and has to go home to
his crusty old lady
while you get to be with
this fine piece right here.
Doesn't that make
you the winner?
I just want a place
where we can live,
where we can be,
and no one can
say shit about it.
Don't we deserve that?
[soft music]
Congratulations,
Mr. Schreibvogel.
What are you gonna do
with all this land?
I'm gonna build a zoo.
Sounds ambitious.
♪ ♪
I'm gonna do this, Brian.
No one's gonna make
me feel small again.
♪ ♪
Guess you and Carole
didn't see eye to eye.
Probably should've
called first, huh?
[tense music]
Start shootin'!
♪ ♪
Well, folks,
it's Joe Exotic here,
and we just got thrown
out of Big Cat Rescue
'cause Carole Baskin
would rather tear down
everything that I've built
than spend one minute in
the same damn room as me.
She won't even
look me in the eye
while she's fuckin' me!
So I got a message for you,
all you Carole haters out there.
If you got any
dirt on this woman,
I wanna hear about it.
And if you happen to
be in Tampa, Florida,
I'm in room 151
at the Econo Lodge
at Dale Mabry Highway.
That's right, 151,
just like the liquor.
Cut it.
All right, let's find
some Wi-Fi and post that!
- Hey, this is good shit man.
- That's strong!
They ain't seen nothing yet.
Hey, maybe we should take a
breath, get something to eat?
I saw a Waffle House
a few blocks back.
Oh, fuck that.
If that goddamn bitch thinks
I'm finished with her here,
she's got another thing coming.
[dramatic opera music]
♪ ♪
Joe Schreibvogel was a guest
on your sanctuary tour today.
Yes, but I didn't
realize at the time
'cause he was wearing a hat.
During the tour, he
managed to sneak away
without your noticing
into a nonpublic
area of the sanctuary
where he could have
harmed the animals
that we have been
sworn to protect.
- I'm so sorry, I was just...
- I was focused on the spiel.
You violated the most sacred
duty that we have here.
It's your job to
protect the animals.
So I'm gonna have to let you go.
What? Carole.
It's not open for discussion.
But that's not fair!
I've given two years of
my life to you for no pay!
- Yeah, but you're not smart.
- You're not smart.
Hand in your shirt.
♪ ♪
Oh, thank God.
Security said Joe went
without too much of a fuss.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
So I just received word
that Grigore Zaharia's.
Class 1 wildlife permit
has been suspended
pending an investigation.
[cheers and applause]
Now, who wants to do the honors?
Allison, go.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Bye-bye.
- [cheers and applause]
- That's great.
[laughs] Oh, yeah!
Good job, everybody.
What's up?
It's fine.
It's just, in the
past few months,
we've crossed two of
the guys off the list.
- Damn straight.
- We should've got a cake.
Boom!
We're swatting at flies.
So much time and energy burnt up
for such tiny
victories, you know?
[sighs]
Even if we got ten of
these guys in a year,
we would barely
be making a dent.
What are you saying?
We need to think bigger.
We're doing everything we can
within the scope of the law.
Well, then we need
to change the law.
There needs to be a law
against private ownership
of big cats in this country.
Sure, that sounds
great, and my daughter
also wants a pony for Christmas.
It could be called
the... the cat law...
The big cat law...
The big cat amendment.
[helicopter rotors whirring]
What's that sound?
[whirring continues]
Big cat amendment.
What is that sound?
[whirring continues]
I don't like that.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Whoo-hoo!
This is crazy!
What? She came at me first!
Go lower!
Can't go below 500 feet.
Plus, there's people down there.
- I don't give a...
- I'm not gonna hurt 'em.
I'm just gonna
scare 'em a little.
Lower! Lower!
♪ ♪
What's going on?
I don't know!
[lion roaring]
[tense music]
[lion growls]
♪ ♪
- Get the vet!
- She's having a seizure!
Hurry.
♪ ♪
The hell are you doing?
I want her to see my damn face!
Joe, sit down, you idiot!
No! No, grab on to my belt!
You're gonna get
yourself killed!
I'm gonna get killed unless you
grab on to my belt right now.
- Grab it!
- Jesus Christ!
[helicopter rotors whirring]
Carole Baskin,
you fuckin' bitch!
♪ ♪
You see me now?
Fuck you!
♪ ♪
Remember me!
Bitch!
♪ ♪
[laughs]
[laughter]
You see Carole's face?
Oh, my God, I thought she
was gonna crap herself.
- She might have crapped herself.
- She did.
That was worth every damn penny.
Oh, Reinke, God damn it,
you ain't been with us long,
but you are ride or die.
- I'm glad you came, man.
- I am too, buddy. I am too.
Hey, John!
What the hell were
you doing up there,
hangin' out the door
like a goddamn maniac?
I was trying to make a point.
Yeah, well, you could've
gotten yourself killed.
The fuck you smilin' about?
You sure sound like somebody
who gives a shit about me.
What, you got real
feelings in there for me?
Maybe.
So we doin' this thing?
[soft music]
If you promise to stop
doing stupid shit,
then... yeah.
I guess we can give it a shot.
♪ ♪
Fucking idiot.
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
How's the lion?
♪ ♪
Touch and go.
Vet's optimistic,
so that's good.
How are you?
I really think
he's evil, Howard.
Only an evil man would
do what he did today,
and it demands an answer.
I have to get him.
How are you gonna do that?
♪ ♪
I don't know.
I don't know.
Well,
let's think of
something together.
Hmm?
I wanna help you.
I wanna join you here,
be part of the team.
Howard...
I really appreciate that,
but you've got your own job,
and this is my problem to solve.
Your problems are my problems.
Let's get him.
Are you sure you wouldn't
hate seeing my ass
all day at the office?
You know I love your ass.
Nothing would make me happier.
The question you have
to ask yourself is,
should I bring the big guns?
♪ ♪
Yes.
♪ ♪
[both breathing heavily]
♪ ♪
[singers vocalizing]
♪ ♪
Who wants to hit the pool?
I ain't wearing one of
them banana hammocks.
♪ I've got flowers ♪
Who's that?
It's the tour guide.
♪ So go and powder your
cute little pussycat nose ♪
The hell do you want?
You said you wanted
dirt on Carole Baskin.
Well, here you go.
♪ You and your pussycat nose ♪
♪ What's new, pussycat? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ What's new, pussycat? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Pussycat, pussycat,
you're so thrilling ♪
♪ And I'm so willing
to care for you ♪
♪ So go and make up your
big little pussycat eyes ♪
♪ Pussycat, pussycat,
I love you ♪
♪ Yes, I do ♪
♪ You and your pussycat eyes ♪
♪ ♪
♪ What's new, pussycat? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ What's new, pussycat? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Pussycat, pussycat,
I've got flowers ♪
♪ And lots of hours
to spend with you ♪
♪ So go and powder your
cute little pussycat nose ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Pussycat, pussycat,
I love you ♪
♪ Yes, I do ♪
♪ You and your pussycat nose ♪
♪ What's new, pussycat? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ What's new, pussycat? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Pussycat, pussycat,
you're so thrilling ♪
♪ And I'm so willing
to care for you ♪
♪ So go and make up your
big little pussycat eyes ♪
♪ Pussycat, pussycat,
I love you ♪
♪ Yes, I do ♪
♪ You and your pussycat eyes ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪ You and your pussycat eyes ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪ You and your pussycat lips ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪ You and your pussycat eyes ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪ You and your pussycat ♪
♪ Nose ♪
[dramatic music]
Hey, all you cool
cats and kittens.
You've reached Carole
Baskin at Big Cat Rescue.
Leave me a message, won't you?
[beep]
Well, how 'bout that?
It's Carole Baskin's voice mail.
How you doin' tonight,
Carole Baskin's voice mail?
Me, I'm not doin' too good,
not that you give a shit.
Anybody tell you how stupid
your goddamn voice sounds?
[microwave beeps] Makes
me wanna fuckin' puke.
You think you can just cut
the head off my business
and I'm gonna be okay with it?
Well, I'm not okay with it.
I'm a fiery fuckin'
phoenix, Carole Baskin,
and when I burn up,
I'm just gonna rise
from my own goddamn
ashes, you fuckin' bitch.
And I'm gonna fucking...
[phone clatters] Shit!
I am stronger than anyone
or anything you ever met
in your goddamn life,
and if you know
what's good for you,
you'll be shakin' in
your Uggs, you no-good,
two-bit, motherfucking
backwards-twatted cunt.
♪ ♪
This is Joe Exotic, by the way.
[phone beeps]
♪ ♪
[tiger growls]
[indistinct chatter]
[door clicks open]
Uh, two masses
removed without issue,
but
the liver's too far gone.
As the cancer progresses, her
pain levels will increase.
Might be time to think
about what's best
for Chairman Meow,
instead of what hurts us less.
I get it. [Chuckles]
Guess we didn't get
there in time, huh?
Um, can I just, um...
Can I have a moment alone
with her to say goodbye?
[monitor beeping]
Hi, sweet pie.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
[tiger moaning]
♪ ♪
[sniffles]
♪ ♪
Good girl.
I'm sorry, sweet pie.
♪ ♪
[tiger cub mewling]
Here comes another one.
Come on, you sexy bitch.
Oh! All right, I got it.
- Yeah.
- There you go, buddy.
Got that shit all over it.
That's the same shit
you were covered in
when you came out, bud.
- Female.
- Phew! Doc, check 'em out!
Excuse me, ladies.
Well, that's a
good-sized litter, Joe.
Thank you.
Cats I usually breed
haven't turned out
this many in a while.
Well, the air around Oklahoma's
sweeter than Myrtle Beach,
and it makes my
tigers real horny.
Yeah.
Oh, now, look, she is a beauty.
We don't have anything
with markings like that
at Safari Park.
- That one's precious.
- Mm.
- This one?
- Yeah, that one.
Well, she's yours, then.
Huh? Anything for my girls.
[laughter]
Okay, so we'll...
We'll take those two.
Now, uh, what'd we
say, $2,500 a head?
- Now, wait a minute.
- You got a big operation.
You're gonna need all kinds
of new blood comin' in.
How about that guy?
He's a killer for sure.
Yeah, no, I'm good, Joe.
Can we talk, Doc?
I'm in a tough spot
right now, Doc.
With no road shows right
now, I got next to no income.
I can barely afford to
feed the cats I got,
let alone a few new ones.
Yeah, well, that Carole Baskin's
got a target on all of us, Joe.
- Yeah.
- [laughter]
And I'm sorry about
your situation,
but I can't afford any more.
We're friends from way back.
Help me out, please! [Chuckles]
Well, I'll tell you,
you know what Vern
Owens used to do
when he was in this spot?
He'd make room.
Yeah, well, I don't.
I love my cats. I-I
could never hurt 'em.
Yeah, of course not.
I wasn't suggesting
it. It's horrible.
Yeah.
Well, I'm sure you'll
think of something.
Ladies!
Mmm, ain't nothin'
like a mom-cooked meal.
Tried to cook it medium
rare, but I overdid it.
Mm.
Steak's great, Mom, thanks.
Hey, you know I hate to ask.
We've been having
some money problems.
- I gave you $5,000 last month.
- What happened to that?
Spent it on meat.
And I guess I can
put 'em on a diet,
but you ever heard
a hungry cat roar?
It's like to break your heart.
They'll be all like...
[mimics moaning tiger]
Well, I don't wanna see
the poor things suffer,
- but, Joe...
- If I can't feed 'em, Mom,
I might have to put the
whole zoo up for sale.
How much do you need?
Oh, maybe 15 grand,
20 if you got it.
Thanks, Mom.
And these vegetables, how
do you get them so tender?
It's incredible. [Door opens]
I'm home, Grandma.
[door slams] The hell
are you doing here?
Well, look who it is,
resting witch face.
Grandma, you're not
writing him another check.
Mind your own damn business.
This is my business.
I'm the one who takes
care of Grandma.
You just come by
to mooch off her.
That's a humanitarian
right there.
You wanna stop her from
supporting animals in need?
Ten grand?
You really burn me
up, you know that?
Not my fault you don't
know how to budget.
I wouldn't even need
the money if it weren't
for that bitch down in Florida.
Who?
I told you, Carole Baskin.
She's messing with
my livelihood.
Yeah? Go take it
up with her, then.
She won't call me back.
What am I supposed to
do, drive to Florida
and show up on her doorstep?
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Hey, Crystal said
she had some forms
she wanted you to sign.
Forget that.
Need you to gas up the truck.
I'm goin' on a road trip.
[keys jangling]
You got it.
Hey, maybe you wanna come with?
We can make it a boys' weekend.
Where we headed?
Tampa, Florida.
What's in Florida?
The queen bitch herself...
Carole fuckin' Baskin.
♪ ♪
That brings us to
our 20-minute window
for public comment.
Yes, thank you.
Carole Baskin, CEO and
founder, Big Cat Rescue.
Please keep it limited to
three minutes, Mrs. Baskin.
Of course.
[people murmuring]
I agree, it's upsetting.
This beautiful creature
passed away this morning,
after years of being held
captive by a motley crew
of private traders and
wildlife "enthusiasts."
But if I sat at home grieving,
I wouldn't be upholding
my responsibility to the
animals I've sworn to protect.
So I am here... Not
for the first time...
To ask this committee to revoke
the Class 1 wildlife permit
held by Grigore Zaharia.
[chuckles]
Speak of the devil.
Every month, I come down
here to defend myself
because nebuna asta
is after me again.
Nebuna asta, you
say that every time.
What is that?
I have never seen that
tiger before in my life.
It's... yes, okay,
this individual tiger
was not in his possession,
but it's representative
of what happens to the
tigers under his care.
I've received several
anonymous complaints
from former employees, all
citing the same concerns:
Untreated wounds,
starvation diets...
All my animals, down to the last
pink flamingo, are
happy and healthy.
Then open your gates
and let us inside.
If you have nothing to
hide, why ban public access?
I swam across the Danube
to escape the Iron Curtain.
I won't be interrogated
by Comrade Baskin,
not when the Constitution
guarantees me
a right to property.
The curtain fell a long
time ago, my friend,
and these are living
things, not property.
The committee needs
to demand access
to his animals and
see for yourself...
Do you have any evidence
to support your
claim, Mrs. Baskin?
I don't know if you can tell,
Mr. Zaharia is a very
intimidating man.
And I think the fact
that my tipsters
were not willing to go
public is indicative...
We can't revoke a
legally granted permit
based on hearsay.
Request denied.
Woof.
Sorry that didn't go your way.
Well, I didn't get
Joe at first either.
Slow and steady wins
the race, my love.
That's right. That's right.
Well, I have to get
on the road to Miami.
- Oh.
- I'll be back Thursday.
What company are you
fixing this time?
Oh, windows and
doors manufacturer.
Yeah, their financials
were a mess.
It's gonna take me
months to unravel
and put a new plan in place.
I am so excited.
[laughter]
Well, you're a
genius and you can
- wear the hell out of a suit.
- That's right.
They needed the big guns.
Pop, pop, pop, pop.
Ow, my heart.
Come here, you.
- I'll miss you.
- Miss you.
Hm.
♪ ♪
You planning something,
or do I not wanna know?
♪ ♪
I'll be careful.
All I ask.
I don't choose who
I go after, Howie.
- They choose me.
- I know.
♪ ♪
♪ You got a few names for me ♪
♪ Some might be true and
some just seem mean ♪
You touch my music
one more time,
we're gonna have words.
Someone's in a mood.
I mean, I don't recall
inviting you along.
You said you wanted
a guys' weekend.
Yeah, and I ain't been on one
of those in a long-ass time,
and Tampa's the strip
club capital of the world.
I'm ready to tackle
some clam, baby.
Well, I got bigger
tits on my plate.
Shit, like what?
He's gonna walk into
Carole Baskin's office,
he's gonna sit her down,
and he's gonna charm the
granny panties off her.
Oh, that is one claptrap I
would not wanna get caught in.
Ten minutes in the same room,
me and her'll be hugging it out.
And I'll get my road show back.
I'll be in the black again...
Or the red, whichever
the good one is.
Mm, I'm not so sure
she'll talk to you,
especially after all
them voice mails.
Yeah. How bad were they?
Oh, dude, even I learned a few
new cuss words, and
that's saying something.
Well, I got feelings!
She can't hold that against me.
I mean, we ain't so different,
me and Carole Baskin.
Ain't nobody loves tigers
more than me, she'll see.
All right, Florida,
here we come!
You boys ever been there?
♪ ♪
[speaking Spanish]
I mean, I love Dr. Mead,
but if you're gonna ask me
to hold a stress position, at
least buy me a drink first.
[laughter]
Hey, Joe, you coming to
the gym this afternoon?
No.
Hurts too much.
Well, your X-rays
show progress, Joe.
Your biggest problem is mental.
Maybe tomorrow.
Look, Joe, if you're
not gonna do the rehab,
why'd you come all
the way to Florida?
♪ ♪
[monkey chattering]
- [laughter]
- He's so cute.
- This monkey is so funny.
- I know, he's trouble.
- I love him!
- He's so cute.
Ah, finally feeling
sociable, huh?
[wings fluttering]
I was just wondering what
all the fuss was about.
- I'm Emilio.
- This is my boyfriend, Isaac.
Hey.
Hi, I'm Joe.
Are these all your animals?
I help run a petting zoo.
Sometimes they let
us borrow the animals
so they don't get lonely.
Or so we don't.
Isaac brings them by
when I'm feeling low.
Had to have a couple
of pins in my hip
after a slip and
fall in the tub.
Humiliating.
Hey, could've
happened to anybody.
What are you in for?
Car accident.
- Are you from Miami?
- No, I'm from Texas.
My girlfriend said this
was the best place.
Can I hold your cub?
Sure, come on in.
Leave the walker there, though.
Are you serious?
You wanna pet the cub,
you gotta work for it.
Okay.
[bird squawking]
Yeah.
I grew up on a ranch,
and we had horses
and sheep and chickens
but nothing like this.
Well, get ready
to get pissed on.
[chuckles]
Oh.
[soft music]
- Oh, my God.
- Mm-hmm.
What do I... how do...
It's just like feeding a baby.
♪ ♪
He's so tiny.
Yeah, watch, though.
In six months, he'll
weigh 100 pounds
and no one will be able
to tell him what to do.
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, there he goes.
- Oh!
Oh!
♪ ♪
Yeah.
Yeah!
11.
12. Nice, Joe, nice.
I can keep going.
One more set, you're done.
Looking good, Schreibvogel.
Feeling good.
Looks like you'll be out
of here soon, going home.
Bet your girlfriend
will be thrilled.
Hey, you never told me her name.
Kim.
She's... she's great.
She's a teacher, so, you know,
she'll probably make
a good mom someday.
Meeting her, best thing
that ever happened to me.
Who are you trying to
convince, me or you?
What are you talking about?
Please, I had you pegged the
second I laid eyes on you.
What was your plan?
Marry this girl,
pretend to be someone you're not
the rest of your life?
No.
I was gonna kill myself.
Drove myself off a bridge.
[somber music]
"Car accident," huh?
♪ ♪
You know, being out
is a hell of a lot
better than being dead.
Easy for you to say.
You got a whole life.
You got someone who loves you.
You can have all that too.
It's hard in Texas.
It's hard everywhere.
But if you stick around
here, at least you have us.
We make our family.
♪ ♪
Okay.
I think that's everything.
Isaac and I have
a fold-out sofa.
You're welcome to stay
as long as you need.
Gotta tell Kim the truth.
Plus, I like cowboys.
There ain't no cowboys in Miami.
[chuckles]
Thank you.
Okay, my friend.
[speaking Spanish]
You ready?
Good. You and me both, buddy.
[engine turning over]
No sign of the asset.
Oh, there he is.
There you are.
The asset is taking
out the trash.
I've been spotted.
[horn honks] Oh, shit... oh.
♪ ♪
[dramatic music]
[footsteps crunching]
[knocking]
[window whirring]
What are you doing, Mrs. Baskin?
I wanna talk to you...
Away from here
so your boss can't see us.
Why would I talk to you?
You're enemy number one.
- I'm not...
- I am his enemy, not yours.
You know what I mean?
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
Oh, check it out,
they got firecrackers.
Is anybody else's
tummy growling?
I saw a sign back there
for some stone crabs.
Ain't you got enough
crabs already?
- [laughter]
- Oh, come on.
I think we should take a look
around before we get dinner.
I wanna find a
present for Carole.
A present?
Ah, she might've got the
wrong impression of me,
you know, from
those voice mails.
Thought a peace
offering would help,
something like that rug, yeah.
Ah! I think she likes
her tigers alive, Joe.
Yeah, fair enough.
Hold the fuckin' phone.
What about that?
Oh, my God, that's it!
And look, it's a bargain too.
What do you think, John?
John?
They eat a gallon
of these baby shrimp
in, like, five minutes flat.
- No way.
- Yeah.
Look, Joe, newborn gators.
Yeah.
Tiny little fuckers, ain't they?
Mm-hmm.
What if I bought you a couple?
- You serious?
- Sure.
Ship 'em out to the
zoo. Build a pen.
You could raise 'em
up, take care of them.
I ain't taken care
of anything before.
Well, you helped birth
those cubs, didn't you?
You're a natural.
Sure it's not too expensive?
Who gives a shit about
how much it costs?
When you're with me,
everything's taken
care of... Gator Man.
Gator Man?
That's badass.
I'll take care of everything.
You just pick out the names.
[clicking tongue]
- Hi, Jenny. How are you?
- Hi, good.
- How are you?
- This is my new friend.
- Hello.
- [chuckles]
Uh, could I get the...
What am I gonna have?
[muttering indistinctly]
All right, frick it.
Can I just do the
chickpea patty, please,
extra onions, pickles,
pickles all day,
no tempeh... ugh...
No carrots, lettuce,
tomato, fine,
zesty sauce on the
side... No, on it.
- On?
- On.
No, on the side.
And, um, no sprouts.
Did you know that sprouts
are the number three
carrier of salmonella?
Sprouts!
I'll get a glass of water.
You sure? I'm payin'.
- Thank you.
- You got five minutes.
Yeah.
How'd you come to work
for Mr. Zaharia, anyway?
I worked in animal
care over at ZooTampa.
My back crapped out,
they laid me off.
Zaharia gave me a job,
no questions asked.
Pretty decent of him.
Too bad about the way
he treats his animals.
You could change things
for those cats, you know.
What are you getting at?
If you were to bring a
camera into the facility...
[laughs]
Now I know you're crazy.
I'm not crazy,
I took down Joe Exotic,
I can take down Zaharia too.
All I need is a few
decent photographs.
You're the only one
that can get in there.
And, what, just put
myself out of a job?
I got a family, bills to pay.
I can't just turn
my life upside down,
no matter how much
I love those cats.
Hmm, I would hate
for money to stand
in the way of doing
the right thing.
$5,000?
[clears throat]
[dramatic music]
Ten'd be better.
♪ ♪
Can't we leave this
damn thing in the truck?
It's a true objet d'art.
Can't just leave
that lying around.
People'll steal it.
Ain't no one gonna steal
that piece of shit.
Can you put it over there?
Oh, check this out.
The soap looks just
like a seashell.
Yeah, well, don't be stingy
with it, you stinky bastard.
Oh, it ain't my fault,
after being crammed
in that truck with
you two for 18 hours.
This piece-of-shit
lock is busted.
Like anyone's trying
to see you naked.
- [chuckles]
- See you in an hour, boys.
[door shuts]
They got this thing called
a mermaid show here, or...
We could take a helicopter
ride over the bay.
Says we might see sharks.
John, that's tourist shit.
We gotta focus on our mission:
Carole fuckin' Baskin.
Thought we'd have time for
a little fun, at least.
We're gonna have fun.
[fuse sizzling]
[chuckles]
[firecracker bangs]
Oh!
Holy fucking shit!
[laughter] God damn it!
Man, fuck you guys!
You all right in there?
[Eileen's "These Boots
Are Made For Walkin'"]
♪ ♪
[singing in French]
♪ ♪
[groaning]
Ooh, the water's incredible!
My God.
Get your ass in front of
one of these jets here.
It's like a deep-tissue
massage up my god...
Oh, I can feel it in my throat.
It's deep.
You mind telling me what the
hell is going on with you?
What do you mean?
Are you embarrassed to
be seen with me, huh?
Are you afraid strangers
are gonna think you're gay?
Come on, man.
Lookit, you're so uncomfortable,
you can't even look at me.
I'm uncomfortable
because this bathing suit
you wanted me to wear has
got my nuts in a vise grip.
You been weird for days.
Flirting with every girl from
Wynnewood to Tallahassee,
inviting that boner killer
in there on what was supposed
to be a romantic weekend.
I mean
are you even attracted to me?
I think it's pretty
obvious I am.
Well, it ain't obvious to me.
'Cause I think this
thing we have...
Could be real.
You like me?
- Well, don't say it like that.
- I'm not.
I knew you liked fucking me,
but I didn't think you
had feelings for me.
Jeez.
I feel like I'm in goddamn
middle school here.
You gonna make me ask?
Do you feel the
same way or what?
I don't know.
The only relationship
I ever been in,
my girlfriend cheated on me.
I don't know, I guess
I just need more time
to figure out how I feel.
Don't keep me hanging too long.
I won't.
Hey, move over. Quit
hogging those jets.
I wanna feel that famous jet
you've been talkin' about.
[The Marshall Tucker
Band's "Can't You See"]
♪ ♪
- Let's see. Let's see.
- Let's see. Let's see.
Oh!
Oh, my gosh, that's gorgeous.
Very Georgia O'Keeffe.
Will you take that to
Cheryl in the gift shop
and tell her we have more
"Paw-cassos" on the way?
- Sure thing.
- Thank you so much.
[phone ringing] Really
beautiful stuff. Wait.
Hello?
It's going down.
[clicks tongue] Let's roll.
What is this?
What do you want?
Ah, look at him.
Those photos must have been bad
for the committee to
move this quickly.
Mm, Daniel came through.
Those cats are gonna get a
second chance because of him.
It's because of you.
Oh, look, they're fighting.
[laughs]
Wish I had popcorn.
[chuckles]
[radio tuning] Oh.
[Maroon 5's "Moves
Like Jagger" playing]
♪ I've got them
moves like Jagger ♪
♪ I've got them
moves like Jagger ♪
♪ ♪
$25 a damn person,
that's highway robbery.
Pretty good-looking operation.
She's got cages. I got cages.
Looks the same to me.
Okay, hi, everyone.
My name is Tyler.
I'm gonna be taking you
on your tour of Big
Cat Rescue today.
Our sanctuary provides
forever homes for big cats
from abusive or
neglected backgrounds.
For instance, over
there, you'll see Paloma.
She came to us
through a drug raid
but is now thriving, so...
Would ya listen to that?
Looks like Paloma
was a drug addict.
- Wonder what her poison was...
- Pills, reefer?
China white tiger?
[laughter]
Look how nice this
fuckin' place is.
Shut up.
So tigers like Sasha here
can sometimes sleep
up to 20 hours a day.
Pretty crazy, huh?
Okay, let's take the bridge
over to Bobcat Island.
Cool, all right, let's...
[dramatic percussive music]
I'm gonna look for Carole now.
All right, give her my regards.
♪ ♪
Scuse me, miss.
I wonder if you might point me
in the direction of the office.
Uh, well, the office is
off-limits to the public.
Well, I'm not the public.
I'm a colleague
of Carole Baskin.
Just came by for a little chat.
So do you have an appointment?
Not technically, but she's
gonna wanna hear from me.
[tense music]
♪ ♪
Val?
Yeah?
Can you cut a check for $10,000
and make it out to
Daniel Marsh, please?
- That's a lot of money.
- I know.
He took pictures of Zaharia's
cats so we could rescue them.
Wait, what, you bribed him?
It's not a bribe.
A bribe is paying someone
to do something illicit.
This man is being
fairly compensated
for doing the Lord's work.
I'd say the cats
justify the means.
[phone rings]
Sorry.
Hi, sweetheart.
What do you need?
Hey, I've got Joe Schreibvogel.
He wants to talk to you.
Oh, my God, this guy
doesn't know when to quit.
He's calling your phone now too?
- No, I mean he's here.
- He's in the sanctuary.
♪ ♪
Say that one more time?
He's here?
[tense music]
What's going on?
♪ ♪
Sweetheart, what does Joe want?
♪ ♪
She wants to know what
this is regarding.
Well, I thought it was
about damn time me and her
broke bread together.
I even bought her
a little present.
It's sittin' right
outside in my truck.
Did you hear that?
Yes, I heard that, thank you.
Should we hear him out?
♪ ♪
Jamie,
here's what I want you to do.
Okay.
Oh, I understand.
Okay, right this way.
Well, good.
I know if we could
just sit down and talk,
we can come to an understanding.
I mean, we both
like cats, right?
Yeah, you got a nice setup here,
though this chicken wire
ain't gonna hold a hamster,
let alone an adult tiger.
You know, I think
the only difference
between me and Carole is our
opinion about cub pettin'.
You know, I believe that
if you hold a tiger,
you're gonna wanna spend
the rest of your life
tryin' to save them,
you know what I mean?
This ain't the office.
[dramatic music]
I just wanted to talk.
I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave.
[scoffs]
Right now, or else.
♪ ♪
[pool balls clatter]
[Glen Campbell's "Rhinestone
Cowboy" playing over speakers]
♪ There's been a load
of compromising ♪
♪ On the road to my horizon ♪
♪ But I'm gonna be ♪
♪ Where the lights
are shinin' on me ♪
♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪
♪ Riding out on a horse
in a star-spangled rodeo ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪
♪ Getting cards and letters ♪
♪ From people I
don't even know ♪
♪ And offers comin'
over the phone ♪
♪ ♪
Hey.
Hey!
What do you think you're doing?
You can't bring
that thing in here.
I'll take a shot
of Jim Beam for me
and a bowl of milk
for my friend.
You gotta be kiddin' me.
You need to leave
right now, or else.
You ever pet a tiger before?
Or a tiger's owner?
♪ On the road to my horizon ♪
♪ But I'm gonna be ♪
♪ Where the lights
are shinin' on me ♪
♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪
♪ Riding out on a horse
in a star-spangled rodeo ♪
♪ ♪
♪ A rhinestone cowboy ♪
[engine turning over]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, I keep coming
up $200 short.
Oh, yeah, I gave
$200 to Trip Malloy.
How do you expect me
to reconcile the books
when you don't tell me
where the damn money is?
I love when you
go all CPA on me.
Oh, you mean when I talk
about accounts receivable?
You really wanna do this?
Liquidity.
Hostile takeover.
[chuckling]
All right, what'd you
spend the money on?
Equipment.
And what is that
supposed to mean?
There's a lion needs a home.
She's got one foot
that's all mangled.
We can afford it.
It's not about the money.
We've already got a tiger
we don't have room for.
Now you wanna take in a lion?
This is a pet
store, not a circus.
I know, but we could
be doing so much more,
not just selling hamsters
that are gonna eat it
in six months anyway.
This place could be our
own little wild kingdom.
Mr. Schreibvogel!
Stan, we sent our rent
check in last week.
We got a problem.
Really?
Since when are flags
against the rules?
Since I bought this
building two months ago.
Pursuant to clause 14 - B
of your lease agreement,
banners and flags
will not be permitted.
Pursuant to my ass.
This wouldn't have
anything to do with my flag
being rainbow-colored, would it?
You have 24 hours
to take them down...
Or you're out.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
[spray bottle spritzing]
[car door shuts]
Oh, you're cleaning.
That can't be good.
You know, pricks like
him won't leave us alone
till we're back in
the closet or dead.
Now, I got a whole life now,
I got someone who loves me,
and I ain't going quietly.
It's just a flag, Joe.
It's not just a fuckin'
flag, and you know it.
So what do you wanna do?
I don't know.
Maybe I'll go to
his office tomorrow.
And then what?
Maybe I'll bring my gun,
make him feel small.
All right,
but there's a cost
to going to war,
even if you didn't start it.
Don't it eat at you?
Of course it does,
but that landlord's just pissed
'cause he's soft and bald
and has to go home to
his crusty old lady
while you get to be with
this fine piece right here.
Doesn't that make
you the winner?
I just want a place
where we can live,
where we can be,
and no one can
say shit about it.
Don't we deserve that?
[soft music]
Congratulations,
Mr. Schreibvogel.
What are you gonna do
with all this land?
I'm gonna build a zoo.
Sounds ambitious.
♪ ♪
I'm gonna do this, Brian.
No one's gonna make
me feel small again.
♪ ♪
Guess you and Carole
didn't see eye to eye.
Probably should've
called first, huh?
[tense music]
Start shootin'!
♪ ♪
Well, folks,
it's Joe Exotic here,
and we just got thrown
out of Big Cat Rescue
'cause Carole Baskin
would rather tear down
everything that I've built
than spend one minute in
the same damn room as me.
She won't even
look me in the eye
while she's fuckin' me!
So I got a message for you,
all you Carole haters out there.
If you got any
dirt on this woman,
I wanna hear about it.
And if you happen to
be in Tampa, Florida,
I'm in room 151
at the Econo Lodge
at Dale Mabry Highway.
That's right, 151,
just like the liquor.
Cut it.
All right, let's find
some Wi-Fi and post that!
- Hey, this is good shit man.
- That's strong!
They ain't seen nothing yet.
Hey, maybe we should take a
breath, get something to eat?
I saw a Waffle House
a few blocks back.
Oh, fuck that.
If that goddamn bitch thinks
I'm finished with her here,
she's got another thing coming.
[dramatic opera music]
♪ ♪
Joe Schreibvogel was a guest
on your sanctuary tour today.
Yes, but I didn't
realize at the time
'cause he was wearing a hat.
During the tour, he
managed to sneak away
without your noticing
into a nonpublic
area of the sanctuary
where he could have
harmed the animals
that we have been
sworn to protect.
- I'm so sorry, I was just...
- I was focused on the spiel.
You violated the most sacred
duty that we have here.
It's your job to
protect the animals.
So I'm gonna have to let you go.
What? Carole.
It's not open for discussion.
But that's not fair!
I've given two years of
my life to you for no pay!
- Yeah, but you're not smart.
- You're not smart.
Hand in your shirt.
♪ ♪
Oh, thank God.
Security said Joe went
without too much of a fuss.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
So I just received word
that Grigore Zaharia's.
Class 1 wildlife permit
has been suspended
pending an investigation.
[cheers and applause]
Now, who wants to do the honors?
Allison, go.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Bye-bye.
- [cheers and applause]
- That's great.
[laughs] Oh, yeah!
Good job, everybody.
What's up?
It's fine.
It's just, in the
past few months,
we've crossed two of
the guys off the list.
- Damn straight.
- We should've got a cake.
Boom!
We're swatting at flies.
So much time and energy burnt up
for such tiny
victories, you know?
[sighs]
Even if we got ten of
these guys in a year,
we would barely
be making a dent.
What are you saying?
We need to think bigger.
We're doing everything we can
within the scope of the law.
Well, then we need
to change the law.
There needs to be a law
against private ownership
of big cats in this country.
Sure, that sounds
great, and my daughter
also wants a pony for Christmas.
It could be called
the... the cat law...
The big cat law...
The big cat amendment.
[helicopter rotors whirring]
What's that sound?
[whirring continues]
Big cat amendment.
What is that sound?
[whirring continues]
I don't like that.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Whoo-hoo!
This is crazy!
What? She came at me first!
Go lower!
Can't go below 500 feet.
Plus, there's people down there.
- I don't give a...
- I'm not gonna hurt 'em.
I'm just gonna
scare 'em a little.
Lower! Lower!
♪ ♪
What's going on?
I don't know!
[lion roaring]
[tense music]
[lion growls]
♪ ♪
- Get the vet!
- She's having a seizure!
Hurry.
♪ ♪
The hell are you doing?
I want her to see my damn face!
Joe, sit down, you idiot!
No! No, grab on to my belt!
You're gonna get
yourself killed!
I'm gonna get killed unless you
grab on to my belt right now.
- Grab it!
- Jesus Christ!
[helicopter rotors whirring]
Carole Baskin,
you fuckin' bitch!
♪ ♪
You see me now?
Fuck you!
♪ ♪
Remember me!
Bitch!
♪ ♪
[laughs]
[laughter]
You see Carole's face?
Oh, my God, I thought she
was gonna crap herself.
- She might have crapped herself.
- She did.
That was worth every damn penny.
Oh, Reinke, God damn it,
you ain't been with us long,
but you are ride or die.
- I'm glad you came, man.
- I am too, buddy. I am too.
Hey, John!
What the hell were
you doing up there,
hangin' out the door
like a goddamn maniac?
I was trying to make a point.
Yeah, well, you could've
gotten yourself killed.
The fuck you smilin' about?
You sure sound like somebody
who gives a shit about me.
What, you got real
feelings in there for me?
Maybe.
So we doin' this thing?
[soft music]
If you promise to stop
doing stupid shit,
then... yeah.
I guess we can give it a shot.
♪ ♪
Fucking idiot.
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
How's the lion?
♪ ♪
Touch and go.
Vet's optimistic,
so that's good.
How are you?
I really think
he's evil, Howard.
Only an evil man would
do what he did today,
and it demands an answer.
I have to get him.
How are you gonna do that?
♪ ♪
I don't know.
I don't know.
Well,
let's think of
something together.
Hmm?
I wanna help you.
I wanna join you here,
be part of the team.
Howard...
I really appreciate that,
but you've got your own job,
and this is my problem to solve.
Your problems are my problems.
Let's get him.
Are you sure you wouldn't
hate seeing my ass
all day at the office?
You know I love your ass.
Nothing would make me happier.
The question you have
to ask yourself is,
should I bring the big guns?
♪ ♪
Yes.
♪ ♪
[both breathing heavily]
♪ ♪
[singers vocalizing]
♪ ♪
Who wants to hit the pool?
I ain't wearing one of
them banana hammocks.
♪ I've got flowers ♪
Who's that?
It's the tour guide.
♪ So go and powder your
cute little pussycat nose ♪
The hell do you want?
You said you wanted
dirt on Carole Baskin.
Well, here you go.
♪ You and your pussycat nose ♪
♪ What's new, pussycat? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ What's new, pussycat? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Pussycat, pussycat,
you're so thrilling ♪
♪ And I'm so willing
to care for you ♪
♪ So go and make up your
big little pussycat eyes ♪
♪ Pussycat, pussycat,
I love you ♪
♪ Yes, I do ♪
♪ You and your pussycat eyes ♪
♪ ♪
♪ What's new, pussycat? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ What's new, pussycat? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Pussycat, pussycat,
I've got flowers ♪
♪ And lots of hours
to spend with you ♪
♪ So go and powder your
cute little pussycat nose ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Pussycat, pussycat,
I love you ♪
♪ Yes, I do ♪
♪ You and your pussycat nose ♪
♪ What's new, pussycat? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ What's new, pussycat? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Pussycat, pussycat,
you're so thrilling ♪
♪ And I'm so willing
to care for you ♪
♪ So go and make up your
big little pussycat eyes ♪
♪ Pussycat, pussycat,
I love you ♪
♪ Yes, I do ♪
♪ You and your pussycat eyes ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪ You and your pussycat eyes ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪ You and your pussycat lips ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪ You and your pussycat eyes ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪ You and your pussycat ♪
♪ Nose ♪