Jep & Jessica: Growing the Dynasty (2016–2017): Season 2, Episode 10 - LARPe Diem - full transcript

River.
River.

River?
Hello?

You want some free candy?

Let's take a break, okay.

Just pause it.

Put this right here, okay.

When River's playing
a video game,

he zones everything out.

Literally everything.

I wonder where he
gets that extremely

game playing from?



He gets it from you, Jess.

Jep, I've never
played a video game

my whole life.

Jess, you need to
be less extreme.

I'm not extreme!

I'm a way more balanced person

than you are.

That's extreme.

Saying that is very extreme.

You're an extremist.

Jep.

You're mom's going to be mad if

I just let you play your games.

So you're going to
have to help me, okay?



Gotta help dad.

When do we eat?

Right after this.

I need some help.

I need a large individual.

For what?

To help me hang this sign up.

Well, I thought I was coming

over to eat the new food.

Yeah.

Sample the menu.

We're gonna do that.

I rushed over here
'cause I was hungry.

Not 'cause I wanted
to hang a sign.

It's hanging a sign, dude.

Come on.

I didn't come over
for no manual labor.

Okay, I will give
you a 3% discount on

all my food out
of my food truck,

if you help me hang
up this sign.

Make it ten.

That's too high.

Ten.

4%.

Ten.

Five, I ain't going no higher.

Five and you cater
my fortieth birthday party,

how about that?

Why your fortieth?
That's a long time.

Cause it may take
you that long to

get this thing up and running.

We got a deal?

We got a deal.

We're gonna shake on it,

I don't want you crawfishing

with this thing.

All right.

Here help me.

I mean, Jep's been working on

this food truck a long time.

He may never get
this thing finished.

Dude, I'm almost there.

I mean, it takes a lot of work.

It looks awesome.

It's very shiny.

It will be hard to miss.

Exactly.

River, you're suppose
to be helping us, buddy.

You gotta put that thing down.

What are you playing?

It's aarrior,

and I'm fighting a wizard.

Buddy, you're not going to be

able to fight warriors

and wizards in real life.

You need to help with the sign.

You can find
warriors and wizards

in real life.

How does that work?

You of all people
ain't heard of LARPing?

Come again.

That live action role playing.

Where you get out
there in the park,

and you get your PVC sword,

and your dressed up
in the costumes

and the....
On guard!

Yeah.
I've seen that.

Them cats got mommy issues.

I'd say the same
thing about kids that

wear skinny jeans,
but there's one

sitting right here by me, so.

Well now, he's just
being stylish.

Dad, let's go LARPing then..

See?

You wanna do that?

I can be a mighty warrior.

Yeah.

I guess.

You can be whatever you want.

Can I fight with a sword?

Only your imagination
limits you, River.

Can I attack my sister?

Shoot.

Yeah, of course you can.

Which one?

Priscilla?

You don't wanna attack her,

boy, she's tough.

I'm gonna put my
money on Priscilla.

So I guess y'all battle it out.

All right, let's go
talk about LARPing.

Come on, buddy,
let's go LARPing.

And we'll get you sisters too.

I'm not the only that's
gonna be embarrassed.

Heck yeah.

I am so excited, Gus.

Memaw gets a new dress today.

I'm gonna get some new shoes.

Mama needs some new boots.

I never spend this much money,

but since I got the
raffle ticket...

two hundred.

What do you mean raffle ticket?

The raffle ticket.

You know, the one that you've

got in your purse,
but I bought it

Remember?

Yeah, but name was on it.

Wait a minute, wait.

You thought that you were gonna

spend that $200?

Well I'm saying like,
I put it in my purse,

I just assumed I was gonna get

to shop today.

Well you assumed wrong.

Mom!

I am not goving in on this one.

That is ridiculous.

No.

Okay.

I went to a charity event,

I bought two tickets.

I put her name, graciously-

That was so sweet.

And I put my name.

And what the heck,

they pulled her name out,

not mine.

They wouldn't let me
put two names

on one card.

So I had to do one per card.

They drew your name,

but that still really
means Kathy.

I can't buy me a dress with out

the raffle ticket, I can't.

That's why I put your
name on the other one.

It wasn't because I was really

gonna give it to you.

I really wanted that ticket

to buy that dress with.

Why didn't you just make up a

name and put it on the ticket.

I didn't think of that.

You're totally being ridiculous.

I mean, you've got to
see that, right?

I don't think so.

That's my ticket.
I spent-

Two dollars!

Money.

Two dollars on that ticket.

Two dollars that I could've used

for a hamburger.

Mom.

Why are you not
thinking clearly on this?

I think you're
being unreasonable.

I think you're being ridiculous.

You know what's ridiculous?

What?

Is us having this conversation.

I have the gift card,

and it has my name on it.

We're gonna go shop.

No.
It's not settled.

All I know is,

I got a letter in the mail,

addressed to me.

I opened it up,

and there's a gift card.

I was like, I'm going shopping.

So...

You get this random

gift card for $200 in the mail,

and you just think
that's normal?

I just figured I signed up

for something and won.

And I did.

No.

No.

Whose name was on the ticket?

You really are gonna

do this to me?

You want more?

I'm telling you,

he's like a little
bottomless pit.

And all these clothes I get him,

only last like two days.

Why does this belly
stick out all

the time out your shirt?

I mean, everything I buy him,

he wears like twice,

and then he out grows it.

I have an idea.

What?

Let's just give him the ticket.

Let's give him the winnings-

What's he gonna
do with a gift card?

We can go buy some clothes.

Look at him!

Those little pants are tight,

the shirt's showing his belly.

Belly show,

Now I would love to do that.

Let's come to that compromise.

Okay.
That's a deal.

You wanna get some new clothes?

You wanna go buy
some new clothes?

Let's go get some new clothes.

Still Jessica.
Just admit it.

The gift card is
rightfully mine.

Let it go.

We gotta start making

weapons if we're going LARPing.

All right.

Getting ready to do
some LARPing?

I'm glad you girls
are getting involved.

Look, I printed off some
things about LARPing.

Well, everybody's weapon
is pretty much done.

Let's see the next deal here.

All right, let's talk
about our characters.

I think I will be...
Garosh the Inflictor.

What?

Garosh.

Garage?

I think I will be
called The Wizard.

That's how I roll.

That's a cool-

I think that sounds cool.

I got mine already.

Yeah.
What you got, buddy?

My name is...
Johnny the Slayer.

Johnny the Slayer, all right.

He goes around
slaughtering people

and eating their brains.

That's pretty intense, buddy.

Eating people's brains.

I wanna be a mermaid.

You're a mermaid.

Yes.

All right.

Merritt, you come up
with something yet?

Yeah.

Who are you?

I'm going to be the queen of

every single person.

The queen of every
single person?

That's sounds about right.

You rule 'em all.

Merritt's the queen.

Martin, what are you?

I'm just the triclops.

Triclop?

Three eyes.

I wish I had three hands,

that way I can make
another weapon.

What is your character, Scil?

I'm a fairy, my name is Isabelle

and I'm obsessed with lemons.

Whoa.
Okay.

That's mighty strong there.

I get my power from lemonade.

What are you
building there, Scil?

Uhm, it's my lemon stick.

Well that sounds delicious.

It won't be delicious when the

acid burns your face.

Yes!

My kids, they think a little

bit more violently
than I thought.

Scilla, you're going to hurt

somebody with that thing.

Uhm, I don't-

I put a little bit of
this foam stuff on.

Yeah well, that's still hurt if

you hit somebody
upside the hide,

so don't do that.

I'll just go for the
stomach then.

Yeah, they're a little morbid.

Well...

I'm ready to LARP
somebody's head off,

looky here.

Well, we gonna
test them out or what?

Yeah.
Let's go.

Who's up first?

Let's get to whomping!

Who wants to battle me?!

Writhe in pain.

Writhe in pain.

Good grief.

Slayer.

Y'all suppose to
be writing in pain.

Well, I feel no pain.

So this is it?

This is what LARPing is?

You ain't seen nothing yet.

The main event is epic, bro.

How much LARPing experience

do you actually have?

I mean, I've never been,

but Godwin says it's awesome.

Well, Godwin also says

chicken nuggets are awesome.

And they are.

It's not even real meat.

You going the wrong place.

I just cast a spell on you.

Yeah.

Ooh!

Turn on the wizard.

I just burned you with acid,

Burn!

Well, I'm about all LARPed out.

I'm done.

We ain't even got started yet.

We ain't even dressed up.

We can do them
costumes some other day.

[grunting[

Ooh!

River, now you
gotta come eat my brains.

Hurry up.
Eat 'em.

You wanna hold the gift card?

All right, let's shop.

Let's shop buddy.

Do you like this, Gus?

Jessica.

Like.

That would be so cute.

I love this.

My gosh.

How cute is that?

And the little foxes.

That's cute,
but hey, I love these.

Look at these.

Not so much.

I'm not feeling it.

You don't have to feel it.

I mean, it's okay.

You're not gonna wear it.

I just don't really think
that's the best

option for us.

And this green is going to look

really good on him.

I think they look
better than yours.

I think they look
better on the rack.

Now we're arguing about what

outfits we're gonna buy him.

Well of course.

Who gets to pick
the outfits out.

I see what Jessica
is picking out,

and I'm like, no.

I know I can do better.

No way.

That ain't going on my boy.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

Why don't' we do this.

What?

You get one out fit,
I'll get one fit,

and then we'll go home,

let Gus do his little
model runway show,

and then you let Jep decide.

He's the tie breaker.

Are you kidding me?

No.

How can that be fair?

He's so scared of you,

he's pick whatever
you picked out.

My goodness.

That is not true,
and you know it.

Yes he would.

It'll be fair.

We won't even tell
him whose outfit

is whose choice.
Okay?

I know you're
going to let him know,

and you're gonna
give him that eye.

No I'm not.

Then you'll let him know

which one it is when
he walks out in yours.

It'll be fair,

and he will pick the
perfect outfit for Gus.

Which will be mine.

You promise?

Yeah.

He won't know?

Nope.

Okay, well I tell you what,

you better keep those
tickets on those clothes,

because yours probably

will be coming back.

Gus, you wanna jump?

I'ma....
come on.

Ready?

One.
Two.

Wee!

Here they are.

Y'all look so cute.

My goodness.

Don't y'all look cute.

What are you supposed to be?

I'm a wizard, Kathy.

What does it look like?

O-M-G!

And I'm about to go into battle.

Just...

Please tell me, what kind of

wizard would wear a bathrobe?

The kind that can
make you disappear.

You'd be under a bridge in
Michigan somewhere.

Don't do me any favors.

Burn.

She just got burned
by my wizard fire.

Excuse me!

We have an issue.

We need you to settle a dispute

between me and mom,

about which outfit
is the cutest on Gus, okay.

And you gotta pick the best

out of those two.

- That's right.
- All right?

Okay.

And don't you be looking at her

to give you that
little evil eye.

Nope.
I won't.

All right.
Just hurry up.

We gottta meet
Martin and Godwin.

Here is an option.

Ready?
Let's walk.

My goodness.

Come on.
Ready.

It's like a little Zoolander.

So let's go.

Come on.

Good job.

Okay, Jess.

Okay, that's an option.

Here is another option.

Man, look at him!

Young Denzel.

Mr. Preppy
over here, now.

Unbutton it, and let him walk

around like Don Johnson.

He ain't Don Johnson,
he's Tubbs.

Good job.

Strut.
Strut it.

So, all right Jep,

you've seen both outfits.

What's your pick?

Here we go.

After careful and deliberate
consideration...

I don't care.

Jep.

What do you mean you don't care?

You have to care.

I really don't care.

You can put him in anything,

he looks great.

He's just a cool kid.

It doesn't matter
about his clothing.

It's like me.

Some people look at this be

but most people be like,

"He's-Man, that's a cool cat.

I don't care that
he's wearing robe."

You think people think that you-

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

You think you're
cool when you're

dressed like this?

Burn, Jep.

It's a tie.

So, maybe we'll keep both.

Maybe we just keep both outfits.

Boop.

Boop, boop, boop, boop.

Right here, Gus.
Right here.

He wants to LARP, Jess.

He don't care about clothes.

All right, kids,

y'all ready to go battle?

Yeah!

We are honored
that word of our LARPing

has spread through
our the land, via email,

bringing us all sorts
of new friends...

and maybe enemies.

Sounds interesting.

Mountain Man,

what are you suppose to be?

Gold raper or something

another I reckon.

Old raper?

Al, who you suppose to be?

I'm the Spanish Stallion.

Pepe Le'Mieu.

That's a good choice.

Thank you.

Johnny D, who are
you suppose to be?

I'm Running Coyote.

All right.

You nervous?

Not really.

Should be.

The best thing
about this community,

is they will go to
crazy lengths,

to entertain kids.

You think they do
this just for the kids,

but honestly,

I think they just wanna have an

excuse just to dress up

and act ridiculous.

Well yeah.

Halloween only comes
once a year.

If you get to do it more often,

why wouldn't you?

I ain't never growing up.

Well, Thank you
Lilly for writing our story.

Yes.

Give her some applause.

And thank you Godwin
for bringing all

your Renaissance friends.

Appreciate it.

Argh.

All right, ya'll ready
to hear the story?

"Now it appears our way of life

in the land of the
under water forest

has been disrupted."

"The invisible pumpkin cowboys

have stolen our treasure.

We need the treasure
so we can stay

in this wonderful kingdom.

Among us are villains,

loyal to the
invisible pumpkin cowboys.

Those loyalists will
soon reveal themselves"

Here!

"Half of us are charged with

recovering the treasure.

And the other half,
are here to make sure

we go nowhere near
the treasure."

It's well written, Lily.

That make sense?

Yup.

It doesn't really to me,

but that's all right.

Let's go LARP, man.

All right, hang on.

Okay.

I'm ready to LARP.

Let's go play.

Is everybody ready?

Come on.
Yeah!

Okay nerds.

Let's let the LARPing begin.

LARP on.

I can't get up.

Let's go to battle.

I just wanna hit somebody.

Men, women, children
of the pumpkins.

Today is he day we
do glorious battle.

Today is the day we
defeat those pirate

wizard nerd people.

Yeah!

Pirates, you see these
despicable pumpkins?

They stole our treasure.

What are we gonna do about it?

Get 'em!

That's what I'm talking about.

We guard our treasure.

When we're down, we're not out.

You never give up!

Yeah!

We never give in.

Yeah!

River, right here,
look me in the eye.

No, this one right here.

You got it?

What are we gonna do?

We're gona take
our treasure back?

Yeah!

We never quit!
We never surrender!

Are you ready for battle?

Yeah!

Are you ready for victory?

Yeah!

Are you ready to show
'em our backsides?

Yeah!

They showed us their rears,

but we're gonna take
their booty.

What do you think, pirates?

Yeah!

Are y'all ready?

Are you ready?

Charge!

Let's go!

Whose team are you on?

Whose team are you on?

Wait!
Wait!

Wait!

Martin threw a spell on me.

What was the spell?

I made it so you could

never eat pork again.

Well that ain't no fair.

Game over.

Godwin's out.

Ten seconds into it,
you called a freeze.

I actually thought
I felt that spell.

You did.

You said I can't eat pork,

it really just-

That was very rude of you.

No baseballing or tripping.

That was in the email.

No baseballing.

What's that?

You can't swing that thing hard.

You can't swing it hard?

What are we out here for?

That's not baseball.

That's what-

Nope.

All right, can we go
back to playing?

Well!

Play dead!

Play dead!

I mean, some people
took a beating out there.

Well, you know,
Johnny D's trying

to take people's
heads off and...

He was helicoptering 'em.

Yup.

That's what he was doing.

Boy's got a screw loose.

Yeah.

It's too quiet.

It is real quiet.

River, our whole team
is about dead, buddy.

Look, Scilla's dead.

Lily.

What do we do?

Well, I guess
buddy I'm just gonna

run up there,

I'm gonna take a
couple of them out,

they're gonna take me out,

you run around
and you go get the treasure.

You got it, buddy?

I think this LARPing
is definitely paying off,

'cause me and River
both were playing

a little too many video games.

But to the make it
the perfect day,

of course, I'm going to have to

sacrifice myself to
make my son the hero.

It's always about you, ain't it?

It's what you do.

No, I'm saying I'm
doing it for him.

It's a sacrifice.

See?
There we go.

Hey look, I'm probably gonna

take some them out before I die.

I'm going out in
a blaze of glory,

you know what I'm saying?

Okay, you ready?

Hey!

I come in peace.

It's a trick.

Look, I'm gonna
cure your spell, right here.

Ham sandwich.

Don't take
that sandwich, Godwin.

You give up?

The ham sandwich is baiting us.

Mountain Man, tell me a story.

Yeah, I was fishing

the other day,

catching a big ol' mess of fish-

The ham sandwich was cheating,

'cause you know I like
ham sandwiches.

And then you got Mountain Man

to try to tell a story.

You know how long that took.

I found your Kryptonite

and exposed it.

Well I can't help it.

I like a good ham sandwich.

A pig's rear end
will get him every time.

I'm telling you.

I come in peace.

Don't trust him.

Y'all are dead.

Y'all are dead.

Okay.

Okay.

We won!

You have been defeated.

That was dumb.

Yeah, that was terrible.

You just came up,

gave Godwin a sandwich-

Thank you.

And now we win.

Where's River?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I got the treasure!

What?

We win!

What's up?
What's up?

That's awesome.

I tell you what though,

you slicked them on
capturing that treasure.

Cheater.
He cheated.

River won.

I mean, you want the little kid

to win the day.

Yeah, but you got our attention

away from me.

It's called
creating a diversion.

Okay, you shouldn't be

able to do that.

Godwin, all is fair
in LARPing and war.

Nope.
You cheated.

Cheating's cheating.

Cheater.

We won.

All it took was
a little pig rear.

That was actually pretty fun.

That was.

It was nerdy fun,
but it was fun.

Yeah.

I'd do it again.

Well the cool thing was,

in the end,

everybody was involved.

Which I think made
River like really happy.

Everybody's fighting,
having a good time,

and he won the day.

He was excited
holding that duck up.

The LARPing was a success.

It was pretty fun.

Yeah.
It was.

I mean, we're doing
it next weekend, right?

Yeah, old western.

We'll do like western style.

Six shooters.

Yes.

All right, peace out, losers.

We got the treasure.

Come on, Merritt.

It's okay to be a nerd I guess.

We're here live,

in the LARPing team locker room.

River, how do you
access your performance

on the battlefield today, buddy.

I won.

We won.

How about that.

Would you rather do
that or play on your phone?

Play on my phone.

No.
You'd rather LARP.

I know you're lying.

Mommy, what you doing?

Well, I am going
to order some fabric,

and get back to
sewing some kid's clothes.

Maybe make my own.

Really?

Look up some material,

I'm gonna need
another wizard outfit.

Jep.

You're such a nerd.

Jess, you married a nerd.

That makes you a bigger nerd.

I love you.

Jep Robertson out.