Jep & Jessica: Growing the Dynasty (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Glamper - full transcript

Hello...

Jep, don't whack me or the baby.

At that side. Daddy's crazy.

He's crazy with that thing.

He gonna hurt somebody.

I am excited about
going away for the weekend.

We need some,
mommy-daddy time.Yeah.

We're gonna get in this tent,
and we're gonna snuggle.

Look, I'm not really 100%
for the tent, though.

Don't you wanna be a member of the
wilderness club? I don't know what that is.

Like the mile-high club,
but it's in the wilderness.



Jep.

Jep and I decided to have
an adult camping trip.

No kids.

Me and you, Jess.

It's gonna be intense.

Intense in that tent?
I don't think so.

Since we welcomed baby Gus
into the family,

we haven't had some alone time
in a long time.

I mean, we're a family
of seven now.

With a wild, feral pack of kids

running around this house,
going nuts.

They're sweet angels. Until they run around
like puppies

and chew up all your shoes
and pee on your leather couch.

Well, the kids don't do
that kind of stuff.



They're not chewing
and peeing on stuff.

Jess, the day ain't over yet.
You wait.

What about renting
a camper, babe?

Good grief, you gotta have a...

I did this wrong. That's exactly what
I'm talking about.

A camper-- you just
pull up, park it. A waste of money.

They have some really cool
older campers.

I mean, this is, like, 1961.

What did they do 100 years ago?
It has cute little curtains.

They slept on the ground,
wood-- by a fire.

It has the original vintage
refrigerator that works.

What you're talking about is glamping.
That's not camping.

It's still camping.

Jess, your idea of roughing it
is sleeping inside

a house on wheels.

You have to get out of the house

and go camping
and get out around a fire.

I'm gonna be around the fire.

But when it's bedtime,
I'm gonna be in that camper.

I think it's way funner when you rough
it, and you actually camp.

Well, who wants to do that?
People who camp.

Boys. Boys wanna do that. That's camping.

And I have a potty to pee in.

I don't have to pop a squat.

It's a yuppie move.

I'm with my dad on this one.
That's just yuppie.

Tell him.
Say, "Mama wants that camper.

Get her the camper."

Bub, what do you want?

That means yes.

We're going glampin'.
We're going glampin'.

I'm pretty sure me and the guys
will still stay in the tent,

but y'all can sleep in
the camper and have at it.

All right. I'm gonna press
"rent." Are you sure you want to?

I mean, no. Okay, it's done.

Sorry.Wait. What?

Is there any way
you can pick it up?

Jess, do you wanna help me
finish this tent?

'Cause I can't figure out--You need to just
burn that tent.

I can't wait for Jess
to get in there.

She's gonna hate it.
She'll act like it's awesome.

Just 'cause she spent the money?
Yeah.

There it is!

Look! It's awesome!
I love it!

Isn't it so cute? It's very small.

Jep, this is adorable. Look how cute!

It's so cute. Yeah, smell it.

Yeah,
it doesn't smell real good.

Yeah. Like someone
died in there.

This is awesome! It's so adorable!

It's so awesome.

I don't know why you're so bent
out of shape over our camper.

Because the "cramper"
is bent out of shape.

Not a camper, a cramper.

It only has to fit us ladies.

So we're gonna be nice
and cozy and warm,

and you'll be stuck out there
in the cold,

fighting off
them mountain lions.

We don't have mountain lions.

It stinks, but it's precious.

My gosh, we just paid $500
for a shiny turd.

Are you making fun of us? Nope.

I actually really think all the
fabric is really clean-looking.

Yeah, you put a black light
on there,

and I promise you,
you ain't gonna see clean.

That's gross. Jep, it's vintage.

That means absolutely
nothing to me.

All that means is
we wasted a lot of money

on something that's not cool.

Babe, it's worth it.

$500 a day. That's a steal.

We got stole from.
That's what happened.

We spent way more than that on just the
cute stuff we bought for the trailer.

I wish you wouldn't
have said that.

All right.
What do you wanna bring, babe?

Meats and cheeses.

You want me to bring some, like,
vegetables, like carrots?

No. No veggies. Jep, stop.

Hey, what's going on? Hey, buddy.

What are you doing here? What do you mean,
what am I doing here?

What are you doing here?
I'm fixin' to babysit for y'all.

You're babysitting?

Yep. That's what he said.

Yes. I called him.

Reporting for duty.
I mean, you were the one

that said you were gonna take
care of getting the babysitter.

I tried everybody I knew of.

I tried Sadie.
She was out of town.

Sister-in-laws all had
something to do.

The only person
I could think of was Si.Lord.

Your first lesson.
Baby's already crying.

Well, let me go ahead
and take care of him, then.

Thanks, Si.

Gus, I done told you
about that fussin', son.

I know he's crazy.
I know he's wild.

I know he's not all there.

Hey, you two, I'm right here

while y'all just discussing
my sanity

and my babysitting skills.

Yeah. Good grief.

Why did you bring Si? Why not?

It's not just a couple hours
of babysitting.

This is two full days.

Honestly, he's the only person
I know that didn't do anything,

so he was available.

I've got a good résumé.
I've been in the army, okay?

I've had a squad.
I've had a platoon.

If I can take care of grown men,

trust me, I can take care
of five babies.

We've got a trained
professional here.

They're gonna be
in great hands. There you go.

You like that hat?

He's awesome.
Look at him.

You want the hat?
Is that what you want?

- I don't want this stupid hat.
- No. No.

It's gonna be fine.

He's family.

Where's your pacifier?

All right. Well, let's go.
Let's go.

We gotta go. All right. Let's go.
Let's get outta here.

All right, Si. The kids
need to be in bed by 10:00.

So, brushed teeth, everything,
in the bed by 10:00.

No problem.
My bed time's 7:30.

We got it covered.

If you need me,
get Lily to call me.

Gotcha.

Mom, why can't we go with you?

Are you sure there's nobody else
who can keep us?

Merritt, I'm right here.

Look, we got this.
Me and the kids gonna have a blast.

All right. Y'all are gonna have fun.
Let's go. We gotta go.

I love y'all. Bye.
Love you.

Y'all better be
good to Uncle Si. Bye.

He's got a mean streak in him.

I wasn't trying
to hurt your feelings.

I just wanted... Well, hey, talking
about here--

I'm right here beside you,
and you talkin' about,

"Is there anybody else?" No, that was her.

Hey, I just had a thought.
We'll have our own campout.

I don't know
if that's a good idea.

What are you talking about?
Right here in your own back yard.

Do you think Mom will like it?

Hey, is Mom here?

So it doesn't matter.

Look at this.
Wait. Wait.

Ooh.

What does this do? Don't worry about it.

Look, we're getting hungry.
We need y'all to hurry up.

All right.
Who's got the pump?

You got the pump.
I told you to bring the pump.

You never told me
to bring a pump. Yeah, I did.

I texted y'all and said,
"Bring a pump." I didn't bring a pump.

I can't sleep on the ground.

Well, we'll just figure out
another way to do it.

There ain't no other way.
You gotta have a pump for this thing.

Just blow it up. Can't you blow it up?

Here. You forgot the pump.
Blow it up, big boy.

Jep, why do you even need that?

Yeah, babe.
I thought you were roughing it.

To me, camping is all about
enjoying the outdoors.

Jep, you brought
a blow-up mattress.

I mean, you call that
roughing it?

I cannot help
I have back issues, okay?

So you're gonna "partially"
rough it.

Don't pass out on me.

I'm gonna partially
rough it too.

I'm gonna sleep in the camper tonight.
No, there's no roughing in that.

You might as well, you know, get a
manicurist to come out and do your nails.

That would be awesome.

I should've just brought it.
Me and the girls could've done it.

Next time.

No. Look, I got a way
we can blow this up.

I'll hold it to my exhaust,
and you get in the truck,

and just rev it up,
and it'll blow this thing right up.

Then I will die in my tent,
'cause I'll breathe in the fumes.

No. The air will be
contained in here. What did he just say?

He said let's hook it up
to the exhaust pipe--What?

What if it leaks out? It's not toxic.

There's catalytic converters.
That's not gonna work.

I'm doing it. What do you want me to do?

Nick--Bobby, this is crazy.

It's not crazy. Something's gonna blow up.

Kids, don't try this at home.

Go for it, Bobby! Floor it!

They're gonna get poisoned.

Rev it up!

Whoa! How's it coming?

Keep going. I think they're gonna die.

Golly!

That cannot be good.

Nick's burned his fingers.

Crap, this ain't working.

I'm not gonna let Jep
sleep on that. No.

All right.
It's time to give up.

Thank goodness. Whoo! Gosh!

All right.
Shut her down.

Back to the drawing board.

All right. Go down there
where all them chairs are at.

We're going on a campout.

This is our back yard.
Hey, this is a campout.

It's our back yard.
Look, we're gonna have fun.

We got marshmallows, okay?

I'm gonna build a fire. It's not camping.

Number four, I'm gonna tell you

the greatest ghost story
you've ever heard in your life.

All right. Here's it go.
Back in the 1800s,

on a farm
right here in this town,

was a kid named Kip Rutherford.

He went up in the barn,

fell asleep,
and he was sleepwalking,

and a bale of hay
knocked his head off.

And then, he fell out of the second
story, into the water trough.

What do you think happened?

He died. No, he didn't die.

The kid got pneumonia...
then he died.

But how would he
even get pneumonia--

So he came back as a
ghost--...if he had no head?

He saddled a horse up--But--

...and he's still haunting
that barn right now.

Your story's not scary,
Uncle Si.

You oughta be scared. No, that isn't scary.

You kids are talking about
my storytelling abilities.

Now, that, I take offense to.

But you're not good at it.

What are you talking about,
I'm not good at it?

It's okay.
People are good at different things.

You're just not good
at telling scary stories.

What? Or babysitting.

Since y'all are discussing me,

let me tell you
about you kids, okay?

Y'all got booger noses.

You're always
going around whining, okay?

And not only that, then you're
always running around screaming

like a chicken
with his legs cut off.

A chicken can't run
without legs.

Look, I know that, okay?

It's just a matter
of opinion, okay?

Look, I'm telling you,
my story's got a headless horseman in it.

That's not cool. No one likes a
headless--What do you mean it ain't cool?

A guy riding a horse
without a head?

But--That ain't cool?

It's not scary.
It's not cool. It's stupid.

It's not scary and not cool?
Yeah, the answer is stupid.

"The answer is stupid"?
Are we playing Jeopardyhere, or what?

You guys have done done it.

You don't ever challenge

Silas Merritt Robertson,
the best storyteller of all.

All right, look here.
Before this night is through,

y'all are gonna be crying
for your mom and dad,

and you'll probably be so scared
you'll poop in your pants.

You're gonna poop
in your pants.Nah.

I'm the one that's doing the scaring
here, buddy.

Hey, look, now I'm gonna take
you to someplace really scary.

You are? Yay!

And then, I'm gonna
scare you all stupid.

Uncle Si, I don't think
our parents would like it

if you took us in the middle of the night.
Well, guess what?

They're not here right now,
so that doesn't matter.

We're going
soon as it gets dark.

We are freezing.
Let us make fire.

Fire.
Fire.

All right. Let's make a fire.
What do we need?

We need small sticks.
Bobby, get some kindling.

We need some peat moss. Yeah, get moss.

I got toilet paper
in my survival pack. Toilet paper?

I thought this camping trip was gonna be
a huge bonding experience for all of us.

But I'm starting to feel like
I'm at a middle school dance.

The girls are on one side, and the
boys are on the other, showing off.

Jess, we're doing everything to give you
guys the perfect outdoor experience--

starting fires, we'll go
trapping some game later to cook.

Babe, we brought all the food.

Well, I'm just saying,
we could catch something.

If you want the full experience,
you gotta go all the way.

If you're gonna eat crap,
you take a full bag.

That makes no sense to me.

I don't eat crap.

What is that?
Like, a knife sharpener?

Nah. It's a fire starter.
That's a fire starter.

That's what real men use
to start fires.

I have matches.Nah.

We could go home and sit
in front of the fireplace.

Or we can build a fire.
Help me out, boys.

I think you have to touch it.
You have to touch the paper.

Hey. Shh.
We don't need your commentary.

Jess, us men clearly know
what we're doing.

Starting a fire
is just man skills.

No, you-- you-- Your breath stinks.
My breath smells delicious.

What would happen if you
started it with a lighter? No lighter.

Let's just get a lighter.

Jep, it's taken, like, an hour.

Sometimes it takes a while
to start a fire.

I'm not convinced
that you can start a fire.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

What could we do to help y'all?
Just be quiet.

That would really help.

That was a good one. I say that nicely.

Jess, every guy
has a caveman instinct

to prove himself in the wild.

Jep, you're not a caveman.
Any normal person

would just use a match
or a lighter.

It's a man thing, Jess.
You just don't understand.

He's sparking!
He's sparking!

Did you get it?

Bobby!

Bobby! Here.

Whoa! My gosh!

Jessica! Good night!
Don't pour that on there.

It'll help it.
It'll keep it... Yeah. There you go.

Careful with that.Yeah.

And that's how you glamp.

Jessica! Jessica!

All right, guys, look.

That's the barn where Kip
was told to do his chores.

But he didn't do it.
And, look, he had just woke up

from his nap,
and he was sleepwalking.

He wouldn't sleepwalk
if he just woke up.

Well, he was drowsy.
This doesn't make sense.

Will you let me tell
the story first?

He ain't supposed
to start riding,

looking for his head
till about midnight.

So, look, we're gonna go in,
look around a little bit,

and then we're gonna
get outta here.

All right. Let's go.
Be real quiet.

We don't want to upset him.
It's not haunted.

Now, look, I'm pulling out
all the stops for you kids.

By the time I'm through,
y'all are gonna pee in your pants,

and then you're gonna throw up.

What does throwing up
have to do with being scared?

You're so scared
that your nervous system

make you throw up everything
you got in your stomach out.

I don't think so. "I don't think so"?

Yeah. It's gonna happen
there, Mr. River Man.

You don't scare me. I don't scare you,

but I've got somebody coming
that will.

I see his horse.

Good grief!
I didn't figure he'd be here.

How did the horse survive
200 years?

That may be a ghost horse.

No, 'cause Merritt's
petting her.

Well, look, he's a ghost.
They can do a lot of things we can't do.

It's not a ghost.

What's that sound?

He's here! It's in your back pocket!

It's in your... What do you mean,
back pocket?

You were scared
when you first heard it.

No, I wasn't.Yeah, you was.

Come on. Let's go--
Let's go out front here. I was not.

Hey, y'all should've seen
the look on y'all's face

when y'all seen that horse.

Did I look bored? No.

You was screaming and had
tears running out of your eyes.

I scared you out of your boots.

Well, then, I scared you
out of your tennis shoes.

We didn't wear tennis shoes.

Well, what did you wear?

TOMS.TOMS?

TOMS.

That's a stomach relaxer.

That's Tums.Hey...

Hey, look, now, this part-- I
don't know if it's true or not.

They say he killed some people,

and this is where
he put the bodies. No, he didn't.

I'm serious. Pick up some stuff
and look under it, Merritt.

Maybe you'll find a skeleton.
You might find a snake, too, though.

No. I don't like snakes.

Ew.
I found a dead rat.

All right.
Y'all better get outta there.

I wasn't even scared.

You was scared to death.

Listen. Listen.

Did y'all hear that?

Yeah. What was that?

Somebody's fooling
with that horse.

I'm telling you.
Somebody's messing with the horse.

Come on.

Guys. Look.

The horse is saddled.

How did it get there? I don't know.

But I'm going. It's time for me
to go.

Run! Everybody run!

I'm telling you, he's here!
Kip's here!

Hurry!

I don't know about y'all,
but that scared me.

But it was fun anyway. You're kind of cool.

Hey, thanks a lot.

I love Uncle Si.There's my family,
right there.

I was confused how you got
the saddle on the horse.

I didn't put the saddle
on the horse.

I'm telling you,
Kip is the one that done that.

Without a head? Yeah.

It's probably the lady
that lives there.

I saw her walk in
when we left the barn.

No. You talking about--
You talking about Kip's mother?

No. She died
of a broken heart.

It's such a pretty horse.
A pretty horse.

You're so pretty.

Really, that didn't scare y'all?

Are you kidding me? No.

ront of it.

Lookie there. Bam!

This is a good s'more.
That's a good s'more.

Do y'all wanna
hear a legit scary story?

If it's legit. All right. So,

back in the '50s,

this guy would go around
to people camping out

and would, like, kill 'em
with a dang hatchet, man.

Here we go.
This isn't real. No, I'm not kidding.

Okay. This guy was camping

right next to all
these other campers.

My gosh. And they thought,

"It's my friendly
neighborhood"-- No. Ksh!

You're dead.

"Hey, you guys got
a snack over there?" Clunk!

"You guys got any s'mores?"

Scary.

You know what he had?.

He had a trailer,

and it was actually
that trailer right there.

He's dead,
but his spirit lives on.

I'm glad I'm in the tent.
Let me tell you this.

We're gonna be safer in that camper
than you are gonna be in that tent.

I wouldn't sleep in that thing.

After all the guys got through
with all their "man time" --

setting up all their tents
and mattresses and everything--

we finally did
get time together.

I'm ready for bed. I'm ready.

If you see a guy with a mask,
I would run.

Good night. Good night.
Night.

It was a nice time together.

Good times.
We should camp more often.

We should glamp more often.

See, this is why I don't want
to sleep in a tent with you.

Did you hear that? Babe, we all heard it.

I meant for that to be silent.

It's pretty cold out here.

Yeah,
it's pretty nippy. It's chilly.

This tent smells funny.

It's like feet and potato salad.

How's the ground
over there, Nick?

I think there's a tree root
under my back.

I wish I had my air mattress.

All right. This sounds kind of
lame,

but I wanna sleep with my wife.

Let's get warm, boys.

I've had enough of this.

It's a cold night to camp.

All right.

It's not ax murderers.

Let us in.

Hey. What?

Hey. Hey!

We love you!

What happened to being a man
and roughing it?

Look, I could have
stayed out there all night,

but my back was hurting,

and the tent smelled
kind of funky.

Now you see why
I rented the glamper? Not really.

Honestly, I just wanted
to snuggle up with you.

Smart men sleep
with their ladies.

That's nice.
But I'm pretty sure

that you're just saying
I was right all along.

You were right.

Who was right?

I love you, babe.

Hey, guys. Mama!

How was it? It was good.

Did y'all have fun
with Uncle Si? Yeah.

See? I told you, Jess.

See? We had a blast.

We went to a haunted barn. What?

Scared the crap out of
all four of you. No.

Tell Gus, hey, not to fuss,
and hop on a bus.

Hey, will you babysit--And don't try
to be coy, Roy.

Just get yourself free.

Your Uncle Si is crazy.

Thank you, Si.

Well, Gus, you got to
see your first

and, maybe, last night
with your Uncle Si.

We love you, buddy. Hope you
enjoyed your crazy uncle. Love you.