Jep & Jessica: Growing the Dynasty (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 9 - The New Pet - full transcript
Jessica surprises the kids with a new pet, but Jep isn't crazy about having a pig in the family.
We're making a concoction.
Whatta y'all want,
vanilla or chocolate frosting
for the cupcakes?
Gus likes chocolate.
I let him lick an Oreo
the other night.
He was like...
He liked it.
Ma, where are the chickens?
They're not in the--
They're not in the coop.
Was the door open?
All right,
let's go check it out, guys.
Dang it. They probably just got out.
Hey, get out of that icing,
boy.Boy.
My family had chickens
when I was growing up,
and so did Jep's,
so a few years ago,
Jep and I got our own roost
of chickens.
The problem is
they're always escaping.
And they tend to get eaten.
Which makes the kids really sad.
Yeah, because they think
chickens are their pets.
Chickens!
Midnight! Brownie! Oreo!
Lucy!
Boy.
Look, right here.
Right here.
My dad had chickens
when I grew up.
I had a name
for every one of them.
Problem is,
you know, he'd go out,
and he'd want some fried
chicken every now and again.
He'd chop their head off--
You'd be eating Ethel.
That's right.
I ate a lot of my friends.
But they were so good.
Jess, we got a problem.
Did you find some?
No-- well, I found something.
They gone.
What? Look.
All I see is feathers.
Our poor chickens.
Oreo!
We need booby traps
all the way around this thing.
Midnight!
Some kind of moat around it,
but instead of water,
it's, like, acid.
Jep. Seriously?
I'm talking about,
you come near this fence
you die a terrible death.
Chicken!
Oreo!
I think you can quit calling.
What happened to the chickens?
Baby, they're in chicken heaven.
Something got them.
But those chicken
was my friends.
Aw, Bub.Bub.
We're a little different when it
comes to pets in the Robertson family.
Like not all families
have chickens
that they treat
like their dog or something,
so it's kind of hard to explain
when your pet is massacred
in your back yard.
It's a sad day.
I'm going to miss Oreo.
I know. Oreo was so cute.
It was the cutest one.
Man, they gotta learn
the food chain.
The circle of life.
"Hakuna matata" and whatnot.
Do you even know
what you're saying?
I think it's Hawaiian
for "circle of life."
It's fun to day.
I know that.
Hakuna matata.
All right, let's go now.
I've got to run to the grocery store
and get some eggs now.
You'd think they would've
just left a little for us.
A chicken leg or two.
Ruby, bad guard dog.
You quit pooping in your diaper.
Gus, are you with your daddy?
Are you Kermit the Frog?
Are you Yoda?
Er, the Force
is strong with you.
All right, I'm going to need
you to watch the kids today.
Why?
Because I'm going to surprise
them with some new chickens.
That's a good idea.
I need my eggs.Jep.
I was totally going to make
some huevos rancheros today.
Yeah, but-- I mean,
we can go get eggs anywhere,
but I mean it's more
about the kids.
They're really bummed about it,
and--
I miss my eggs.
Jep. Huevos rancheros.
The kids are so bummed
about losing their pets.
I think it's up to us,
as parents,
to really make them feel better.
All right, well, look.
I'm going to go pick
your mom up.
She's got a really awesome place
that we can get good deals
on chickens, so...
Good. I want some eggs.
I don't think replacing them's
going to help them.
Your mom has taught me
a valuable lesson.
She says, "It's easier
to replace a pet
than mourn its loss."
I've also heard her say,
"Put all your eggs in one basket
so you only have to carry
one basket."
Okay? Yeah, I got him.
Are you sure? I got this.
I love you.
Come here, buster.
Guys, who's excited?
Get to spend some time
with Daddy.
Daddy time, daddy time.
Yeah, yeah, yes.
No chickens, Dad.
Come on, guys.
Don't be so down.
I miss chicken Nugget.
I miss chicken nuggets too.
They're really good.
No, Dad,
I miss my chicken Nugget.
Chicken nuggets.
That was a great name
for a chicken.
Maybe the chickens rest
in peace.
"Come in today"?
Shoot.
That is a big order.
All right, kids.
Who wants to go to work
with Daddy?
No.
Duck Commander
is a family business.
So that means I'm obligated
to go to work up there
even if I gotta babysit my kids.
Your job stinks.
Guys, why don't y'all
get excited?
Well, I have to work.
If I left the kids at home,
Jess would kill me.
We don't want Mommy to kill you.
I don't want that either.
All right, guys.
Y'all go get ready.
I've got to get dressed.
I've got to change
this poopy diaper.
Just be quiet and respectful.
Whatever, Dad.
Boy. Hey.
What's happenin'?
You brought you some workers? Yeah.
Well, we can go home.
I got the whole fam.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
I had to babysit.
Mer'.
Lily of the Valley.
You need to man up and tell that
little blonde bombshell you married no.
Boy.
You ever tell your wife that?
No.
What do you guys think
about Daddy's workplace?
I'm not a fan.
How can you not like it?
It's awesome.
It's dirty.
It stinks.
Yeah, and we're not allowed
to touch anything.
River, can you read
this sign right here?
"Don't touch any stuff
on this table."
Close enough.
Don't touch it!
That just makes me want
to touch it even more.
What are we supposed to do?
Give the three older ones
a broom.
I like that!
You're gonna get a broom.
Dad, do you have to sit
by Uncle Si all day long?
Yep.
I feel bad for you.
Thank you, baby.
God bless it.
He's allergic to this place.
No, he's allergic to Si.
No.
Gus, don't be making no fuss.
Jep, we're never going to get
anywhere a thousand duck calls
done with all these kids.
Nothing personal.
I don't care.
I ain't trying to be here
all night.
Well, I'm here to help.
Well, you ain't built
nothin' yet.
One thousand duck calls by dark.
I don't
think he wants to be here.
I'm a little worried the kids
may disrupt the workflow.
We're quiet.
She's simply quiet?
When is that?
I never seen that. When you're not around.
When I'm not around,
you're perfect kids.
Yes.
I'm good.
[duck calls crash.
Whoa.
That's okay, buddy.
River, what does that say?
But this is on this table,
not that table.
He's got a point there.
You didn't clarify.
There's
ambiguity in the contract.
All right, well,
I'll take the kids out.
That'll fix that.
Use the thing gonna work.
When you planning
on cleaning that up?
We'll pick it up later.
Come on. Let's go.
Hey, I'm gonna leave Gus here.
Y'all just keep an eye on him
for a second please.
Do what? Keep an eye on Gus.
Thanks.
Jep!
This has got to be hazard pay.
You're gonna give Jess a good
deal on these chickens, right?
Yes, ma'am.
So what kind of chickens
are y'all looking for?
Some to lay eggs. All right.
Cute ones.
Those are our main two breeds.
The brown ones
and the green ones.
Are they sweet?
Are they good with kids?
Yeah, absolutely.
You mind if I go in there
and check one out?
No, not at all. Like hold them?
Hey,
I like that little white one.
Whah!
We lost our chickens
to some wild beast
roaming in the back yard.
And the worst part
is the kids bonded
with all these chickens.
They'd even named them.
They're just torn up
that they all passed away.
That little one in the corner's
just waiting for you.
I want that big one.
Why don't you get a little one?
I want the big one!
Get it, get it, get it.
I got it.
So it's really important that I
get really friendly chickens
so that they're not pecking
at the kids.
Hey, there's poop
all over my jacket.
Those roosters are mean.
Yeah, they are mean.
I'm going to need
some leather cleaner.
Not sweet like girls.
Yeah.
What is that
I'm hearing over there?
That's our mini potbelly pigs.
What? My goodness.
I gotta see this.
I love pigs.
My word.
These here are
miniature Julianas.
My gosh.
So are, like, these for sale?
They are.
My kids would literally
start crying
if I brought a pig home.
I think we should get one.
What are the price ranges
on these?
1500.
What?
I wasn't planning on spending
that much money.
Jep may kill me.
Just don't tell him.
I think you should get it.
I don't know, Kay.
I'm just really trying
to evaluate
if Jep would be upset about me
getting another animal.
How could Jep not love the pig?
Did you hear that?
What?
He said, "Take me home."
Kay! "Take me home."
You know what?
This'll cheer the kids up.
Get him.
Okay, we'll take the boy.
Maybe he won't be so mad.
Precious. Thanks a lot.
There are ways to convince men
to do something.
What?
Well, I call it
honey on the biscuits.
Is that how you get your
way with Phil?
Many times.
Well, if Jep gets mad,
I'm just going to have to offer
him some honey and biscuits.
Gets them every time.
Look.
He loves me.
He knows you already.
He's just being a good pigger.
You and Gus are going to be
best friends.
He's going to love you.
Lord.
Yeah.
Daddy, why can't we
just go and play in the park?
We are in a park.
We're just surrounded by inventory.
What's "inventory"?
It's where people use
the bathroom.
No, that's called a lavatory.
It's a good try, though.
Don't go peeing
on the inventory, okay?
You guys don't understand
how awesome it is
to play in a warehouse.
When I was a kid, if I got to
play in a warehouse,
I would've built a fort.
You've got boxes
you can make stuff out of.
That has clothes in it
that you'll sell to people.
You never even said,
"Come on, let's make a fort."
You never even said that.
Do I have to tell you
everything?
Dad, I don't think a warehouse
is a good place for girls.
Or anybody.
Y'all are
a bunch of Negative Nancys.
Okay, one quick game of spud.
Then I've got to get back
to work.
Yeah.
Okay, one, two, three, four.
I'm gonna throw it high.
You gotta remember to throw it high
because you gotta give
the people a chance to run.
Okay.
Two!
Whoa.
What happened?
I don't know what happened.
I think we hit the fire alarm!
Sorry, I threw this ball up
and hit something.
I'm the fire marshal.
Everybody get out of the building.
There is no fire.
I tripped the alarm with this.
It don't make any difference.
The fire alarm is ringing,
which means, hey,
clear the building.
Si, there is no fire.
Everybody out of the building!
It's really hard,
taking care of all these kids
at the same time.
Now with Baby Gus in the mix,
it's twice as hard.
Mom does it all the time, Dad.
Yeah, I think moms
are better keeping kids
because they have,
like, an instinct.
What do you think your mom
could've done any different
than what I did?
Not set off the fire alarm.
Probably wouldn't have had us
play in a warehouse either.
Touché, okay.
I'm not gonna be burned alive
in this building.
I gotta get this baby
out of here. Everybody, get out.
There's no fire! Get out there, idiot.
Where did you get the whistle?
Clear the building!
I'm gonna get you some food.
What do they eat, Kay?
I don't know.
They might eat muffins or...
Would they eat carrots?
I have some celery.
Nah. Cheese?
Yeah, cheese sounds good.
What about avocado?
A little sour cream on that
avocado would be great.
Yeah. Okay.
That's what I like.
I've been taking care of animals
since I was a little girl.
I would brush their hair.
I mean, I would give them a
certain kind of little massage
and everything.
Then, at times, I'd dress them.
You could put, like,
a little outfit on
with maybe a scarf.
I have a scarf on myself.
We are just talking
about a pig, right?
It's a special pig.
Okay, so let's make him
a little platter.
Still sleeping.
All right.
Not too much cabbage.
That makes gas.
It does?
Well, it does on me.
Think that's it.
It's meal time.
Hey, little pig.
Why is the door cracked-- Kay?
He's not in there.
Lord.
Come here, piggy. Pig!
Ew, there's poop over here.
Piggy loves to eat.
There's no fire.
Where you hear a fire alarm,
it means fire.
Si, there's no fire.
I threw the ball and hit something.
Don't even worry about it.
I got you out of the building.
You would've burned to death.
Can you smell anything burning?
Only thing I smell is that baby.
I know it.
He's made a deposit.
Here. Your turn. All right.
I just thought that was Jep.
All right, I gotta go in
and get his diaper bag.
Until the fire people get here
and clear that building,
no one is going in the building.
Si, I have to change him.
This was supposed to be a
nice, relaxing Saturday.
So far it's been
the complete opposite.
I got called into work
with all my kids.
Somehow we set off
the fire alarm.
That was you, Dad.
That was awesome.
Anyway, now we're stuck
in the parking lot
with a poopy baby and no diaper.
Can't get any worse.
Dad, Mom deals with this stuff,
like, every day.
Like five times a day.
I'll admit it.
Your mom is a warrior.
I don't know how she does it.
I especially don't know
how she smells so good
all the time.
You sniff her?
I do.
He they come.
That's louder
than a dang car alarm.
What have we got?
I set the alarm off on accident.
I threw a ball and hit something.
I'm sorry.
This diaper might've set it off.
Is there any way I can go in
and get a diaper bag? Nobody goes in.
Golly. This--
All right,
I can't wait any longer.
I gotta change--
Lily, come with me.
Well, change it.
This is DEFCON 5.
This is bad.
That's on your hand.
Nope.
Ew, it's so gross.
Dead fish don't smell that bad.
Don't puke.
Dad, you were pretty grossed out
whenever we were changing
the diaper.
Lily, that was
a nuclear dragon turd.
It wasn't that bad to me.
To any normal person,
that will kill you.
I need a diaper.
Use your bandana.
How do you make
this a diaper, baby?
Put the big end on that part.
Yeah, add it to one side.
I'll tell you what, though,
that's love.
He's giving up his bandana.
And we're gonna bring this...
And this over through here?
Yes.
Nothing living
should ever smell like that.
You tellin' it right.
Think this'll work.
We did it, buddy.
Good job, Dad.
Thank you.
Thank you, baby.
I think it's just harder for you
because you've never changed
doody diapers.
I need you guys.
I lean on you guys for help.
You see?
That's a good parent.
Dad, you're 37 years old.
We're 11 and seven.
I can't deny that.
Okay, I got it.
Let go of my beard.
Let go of the beard.
No, he's holding on.
Hey, holdin' on.
This kid, he's pooped
through his diaper
like 50 times.
Jep, that's what babies do.
I'm saying,
what's the point of a diaper
if they just poop
all out of it?.
He busted again, boys!
Boy, we got a leaker.
Anybody got an extra bandana?
The boy leaks
everywhere he goes.
Do we have anything else?
It's warm.
It's warm.
It's really warm.
Hey, you need
to take this moment
and realize that
you have a problem.
I don't have a problem.
He's got a problem.
All right, everybody's allowed
to go back in now.
All right, Jep,
you can go back in now
and get your diaper bag.
Little too late now.
You have the best day.
All right.
Units can go back
in the building now.
I smell like a toilet.
Dad, suck it up.
Piggy, piggy.
Piggy!
Piggy.
Piggy.
Piggy.
Piggy poo.
My goodness.
Jep's almost back with the kids.
Okay, get into high action.
Shoot.
The kids were so devastated
after they lost
all their chickens
that I decided to replace them,
and while I was there,
I saw this adorable
mini Juliana pig,
and I just couldn't resist.
They're so precious.
Kay, all animals
are precious to you.
That's right.
I'm a little more worried
about what Jep's gonna think
after seeing this pig.
Ruby!
Where'd the piggy go?
He's under here.
Hold onto it.
Come on.
Come on.
I hear him. I know.
Gotcha. Got you.
Hey.
I'm just starting to wonder
if I made the wrong decision.
Shh.
Shh, shh.
It'll be good.
I hear them.
Shh. Shh.
They have a playhouse,
and we went down there...
Hey.
Hi, Mama.
I got a surprise for you.
It's a pig!
Aw!
Y'all come sit.
Y'all can take turns holding him.
I wanna hold him.
You gotta hold close
because he loves comfort.
He's so cute.
You want him to sleep
with you in your bed?
He kinda stinks.
Of all the animals
you could bring to this house,
why a pig?
These pigs are pet pigs,
like, they don't get that big,
you can potty train them,
and their cute little noses
just...
I mean, how cute is that?
He's so cute.
Jess, they also poop.
They puke.
I just don't understand why
you're against having a pet pig.
Because I don't want any more
living animals in this house.
That's why.
Tell me you at least got
chickens.
No, but, I mean, I thought
a pig was much better.
Jess, what about my breakfast?
I eat eggs every morning.
Jep, I was trying
to cheer the kids up
and what better way
than a mini, little pig?
What part of "huevos rancheros"
do you not understand?
A pig-- I mean, chickens, pig.
Eggs. Chickens, pig.
How much did you pay
for this pig?
It was like...
I can't hear you
if you don't say words.
Fifteen--
...dollars.
Fifteen dollars?
It was $1500.
Yeah, that's a good one.
It really was.
I told her you should've asked.
I hope you got a receipt.
Why?
Because we're taking him back.
No, Dad. This is our favorite one.
We love him.
Come on, babe.
Look how happy it makes them.
I'm not sad anymore.
Jess, you were supposed
to get chickens,
not pigs.
We coulda got, like,
200 chickens
for the amount we paid
on a stupid pig.
But look how happy the kids are.
They were so sad earlier.
Jess, what about my breakfast?
Babe, do you really care
more about your own breakfast
than your kids' happiness?
Do you want me to answer
that honestly?
All right,
I guess we can keep the pig.
Yay!
Yay.
Jep, where are the baby's pants?
Baby Gus peed on Dad.
What?
My God!
What?
Bacon. Bacon.
Hi, sweet Gus.
Hey.
We are all just having
a little neighborhood stroll.
Yeah! We got a pig.
You can play with it
when you get bigger.
What's the pig's name, guys?
Bacon!
I didn't think of that.
There you are, sweet Boy.
We love you.
Love you!
Whatta y'all want,
vanilla or chocolate frosting
for the cupcakes?
Gus likes chocolate.
I let him lick an Oreo
the other night.
He was like...
He liked it.
Ma, where are the chickens?
They're not in the--
They're not in the coop.
Was the door open?
All right,
let's go check it out, guys.
Dang it. They probably just got out.
Hey, get out of that icing,
boy.Boy.
My family had chickens
when I was growing up,
and so did Jep's,
so a few years ago,
Jep and I got our own roost
of chickens.
The problem is
they're always escaping.
And they tend to get eaten.
Which makes the kids really sad.
Yeah, because they think
chickens are their pets.
Chickens!
Midnight! Brownie! Oreo!
Lucy!
Boy.
Look, right here.
Right here.
My dad had chickens
when I grew up.
I had a name
for every one of them.
Problem is,
you know, he'd go out,
and he'd want some fried
chicken every now and again.
He'd chop their head off--
You'd be eating Ethel.
That's right.
I ate a lot of my friends.
But they were so good.
Jess, we got a problem.
Did you find some?
No-- well, I found something.
They gone.
What? Look.
All I see is feathers.
Our poor chickens.
Oreo!
We need booby traps
all the way around this thing.
Midnight!
Some kind of moat around it,
but instead of water,
it's, like, acid.
Jep. Seriously?
I'm talking about,
you come near this fence
you die a terrible death.
Chicken!
Oreo!
I think you can quit calling.
What happened to the chickens?
Baby, they're in chicken heaven.
Something got them.
But those chicken
was my friends.
Aw, Bub.Bub.
We're a little different when it
comes to pets in the Robertson family.
Like not all families
have chickens
that they treat
like their dog or something,
so it's kind of hard to explain
when your pet is massacred
in your back yard.
It's a sad day.
I'm going to miss Oreo.
I know. Oreo was so cute.
It was the cutest one.
Man, they gotta learn
the food chain.
The circle of life.
"Hakuna matata" and whatnot.
Do you even know
what you're saying?
I think it's Hawaiian
for "circle of life."
It's fun to day.
I know that.
Hakuna matata.
All right, let's go now.
I've got to run to the grocery store
and get some eggs now.
You'd think they would've
just left a little for us.
A chicken leg or two.
Ruby, bad guard dog.
You quit pooping in your diaper.
Gus, are you with your daddy?
Are you Kermit the Frog?
Are you Yoda?
Er, the Force
is strong with you.
All right, I'm going to need
you to watch the kids today.
Why?
Because I'm going to surprise
them with some new chickens.
That's a good idea.
I need my eggs.Jep.
I was totally going to make
some huevos rancheros today.
Yeah, but-- I mean,
we can go get eggs anywhere,
but I mean it's more
about the kids.
They're really bummed about it,
and--
I miss my eggs.
Jep. Huevos rancheros.
The kids are so bummed
about losing their pets.
I think it's up to us,
as parents,
to really make them feel better.
All right, well, look.
I'm going to go pick
your mom up.
She's got a really awesome place
that we can get good deals
on chickens, so...
Good. I want some eggs.
I don't think replacing them's
going to help them.
Your mom has taught me
a valuable lesson.
She says, "It's easier
to replace a pet
than mourn its loss."
I've also heard her say,
"Put all your eggs in one basket
so you only have to carry
one basket."
Okay? Yeah, I got him.
Are you sure? I got this.
I love you.
Come here, buster.
Guys, who's excited?
Get to spend some time
with Daddy.
Daddy time, daddy time.
Yeah, yeah, yes.
No chickens, Dad.
Come on, guys.
Don't be so down.
I miss chicken Nugget.
I miss chicken nuggets too.
They're really good.
No, Dad,
I miss my chicken Nugget.
Chicken nuggets.
That was a great name
for a chicken.
Maybe the chickens rest
in peace.
"Come in today"?
Shoot.
That is a big order.
All right, kids.
Who wants to go to work
with Daddy?
No.
Duck Commander
is a family business.
So that means I'm obligated
to go to work up there
even if I gotta babysit my kids.
Your job stinks.
Guys, why don't y'all
get excited?
Well, I have to work.
If I left the kids at home,
Jess would kill me.
We don't want Mommy to kill you.
I don't want that either.
All right, guys.
Y'all go get ready.
I've got to get dressed.
I've got to change
this poopy diaper.
Just be quiet and respectful.
Whatever, Dad.
Boy. Hey.
What's happenin'?
You brought you some workers? Yeah.
Well, we can go home.
I got the whole fam.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
I had to babysit.
Mer'.
Lily of the Valley.
You need to man up and tell that
little blonde bombshell you married no.
Boy.
You ever tell your wife that?
No.
What do you guys think
about Daddy's workplace?
I'm not a fan.
How can you not like it?
It's awesome.
It's dirty.
It stinks.
Yeah, and we're not allowed
to touch anything.
River, can you read
this sign right here?
"Don't touch any stuff
on this table."
Close enough.
Don't touch it!
That just makes me want
to touch it even more.
What are we supposed to do?
Give the three older ones
a broom.
I like that!
You're gonna get a broom.
Dad, do you have to sit
by Uncle Si all day long?
Yep.
I feel bad for you.
Thank you, baby.
God bless it.
He's allergic to this place.
No, he's allergic to Si.
No.
Gus, don't be making no fuss.
Jep, we're never going to get
anywhere a thousand duck calls
done with all these kids.
Nothing personal.
I don't care.
I ain't trying to be here
all night.
Well, I'm here to help.
Well, you ain't built
nothin' yet.
One thousand duck calls by dark.
I don't
think he wants to be here.
I'm a little worried the kids
may disrupt the workflow.
We're quiet.
She's simply quiet?
When is that?
I never seen that. When you're not around.
When I'm not around,
you're perfect kids.
Yes.
I'm good.
[duck calls crash.
Whoa.
That's okay, buddy.
River, what does that say?
But this is on this table,
not that table.
He's got a point there.
You didn't clarify.
There's
ambiguity in the contract.
All right, well,
I'll take the kids out.
That'll fix that.
Use the thing gonna work.
When you planning
on cleaning that up?
We'll pick it up later.
Come on. Let's go.
Hey, I'm gonna leave Gus here.
Y'all just keep an eye on him
for a second please.
Do what? Keep an eye on Gus.
Thanks.
Jep!
This has got to be hazard pay.
You're gonna give Jess a good
deal on these chickens, right?
Yes, ma'am.
So what kind of chickens
are y'all looking for?
Some to lay eggs. All right.
Cute ones.
Those are our main two breeds.
The brown ones
and the green ones.
Are they sweet?
Are they good with kids?
Yeah, absolutely.
You mind if I go in there
and check one out?
No, not at all. Like hold them?
Hey,
I like that little white one.
Whah!
We lost our chickens
to some wild beast
roaming in the back yard.
And the worst part
is the kids bonded
with all these chickens.
They'd even named them.
They're just torn up
that they all passed away.
That little one in the corner's
just waiting for you.
I want that big one.
Why don't you get a little one?
I want the big one!
Get it, get it, get it.
I got it.
So it's really important that I
get really friendly chickens
so that they're not pecking
at the kids.
Hey, there's poop
all over my jacket.
Those roosters are mean.
Yeah, they are mean.
I'm going to need
some leather cleaner.
Not sweet like girls.
Yeah.
What is that
I'm hearing over there?
That's our mini potbelly pigs.
What? My goodness.
I gotta see this.
I love pigs.
My word.
These here are
miniature Julianas.
My gosh.
So are, like, these for sale?
They are.
My kids would literally
start crying
if I brought a pig home.
I think we should get one.
What are the price ranges
on these?
1500.
What?
I wasn't planning on spending
that much money.
Jep may kill me.
Just don't tell him.
I think you should get it.
I don't know, Kay.
I'm just really trying
to evaluate
if Jep would be upset about me
getting another animal.
How could Jep not love the pig?
Did you hear that?
What?
He said, "Take me home."
Kay! "Take me home."
You know what?
This'll cheer the kids up.
Get him.
Okay, we'll take the boy.
Maybe he won't be so mad.
Precious. Thanks a lot.
There are ways to convince men
to do something.
What?
Well, I call it
honey on the biscuits.
Is that how you get your
way with Phil?
Many times.
Well, if Jep gets mad,
I'm just going to have to offer
him some honey and biscuits.
Gets them every time.
Look.
He loves me.
He knows you already.
He's just being a good pigger.
You and Gus are going to be
best friends.
He's going to love you.
Lord.
Yeah.
Daddy, why can't we
just go and play in the park?
We are in a park.
We're just surrounded by inventory.
What's "inventory"?
It's where people use
the bathroom.
No, that's called a lavatory.
It's a good try, though.
Don't go peeing
on the inventory, okay?
You guys don't understand
how awesome it is
to play in a warehouse.
When I was a kid, if I got to
play in a warehouse,
I would've built a fort.
You've got boxes
you can make stuff out of.
That has clothes in it
that you'll sell to people.
You never even said,
"Come on, let's make a fort."
You never even said that.
Do I have to tell you
everything?
Dad, I don't think a warehouse
is a good place for girls.
Or anybody.
Y'all are
a bunch of Negative Nancys.
Okay, one quick game of spud.
Then I've got to get back
to work.
Yeah.
Okay, one, two, three, four.
I'm gonna throw it high.
You gotta remember to throw it high
because you gotta give
the people a chance to run.
Okay.
Two!
Whoa.
What happened?
I don't know what happened.
I think we hit the fire alarm!
Sorry, I threw this ball up
and hit something.
I'm the fire marshal.
Everybody get out of the building.
There is no fire.
I tripped the alarm with this.
It don't make any difference.
The fire alarm is ringing,
which means, hey,
clear the building.
Si, there is no fire.
Everybody out of the building!
It's really hard,
taking care of all these kids
at the same time.
Now with Baby Gus in the mix,
it's twice as hard.
Mom does it all the time, Dad.
Yeah, I think moms
are better keeping kids
because they have,
like, an instinct.
What do you think your mom
could've done any different
than what I did?
Not set off the fire alarm.
Probably wouldn't have had us
play in a warehouse either.
Touché, okay.
I'm not gonna be burned alive
in this building.
I gotta get this baby
out of here. Everybody, get out.
There's no fire! Get out there, idiot.
Where did you get the whistle?
Clear the building!
I'm gonna get you some food.
What do they eat, Kay?
I don't know.
They might eat muffins or...
Would they eat carrots?
I have some celery.
Nah. Cheese?
Yeah, cheese sounds good.
What about avocado?
A little sour cream on that
avocado would be great.
Yeah. Okay.
That's what I like.
I've been taking care of animals
since I was a little girl.
I would brush their hair.
I mean, I would give them a
certain kind of little massage
and everything.
Then, at times, I'd dress them.
You could put, like,
a little outfit on
with maybe a scarf.
I have a scarf on myself.
We are just talking
about a pig, right?
It's a special pig.
Okay, so let's make him
a little platter.
Still sleeping.
All right.
Not too much cabbage.
That makes gas.
It does?
Well, it does on me.
Think that's it.
It's meal time.
Hey, little pig.
Why is the door cracked-- Kay?
He's not in there.
Lord.
Come here, piggy. Pig!
Ew, there's poop over here.
Piggy loves to eat.
There's no fire.
Where you hear a fire alarm,
it means fire.
Si, there's no fire.
I threw the ball and hit something.
Don't even worry about it.
I got you out of the building.
You would've burned to death.
Can you smell anything burning?
Only thing I smell is that baby.
I know it.
He's made a deposit.
Here. Your turn. All right.
I just thought that was Jep.
All right, I gotta go in
and get his diaper bag.
Until the fire people get here
and clear that building,
no one is going in the building.
Si, I have to change him.
This was supposed to be a
nice, relaxing Saturday.
So far it's been
the complete opposite.
I got called into work
with all my kids.
Somehow we set off
the fire alarm.
That was you, Dad.
That was awesome.
Anyway, now we're stuck
in the parking lot
with a poopy baby and no diaper.
Can't get any worse.
Dad, Mom deals with this stuff,
like, every day.
Like five times a day.
I'll admit it.
Your mom is a warrior.
I don't know how she does it.
I especially don't know
how she smells so good
all the time.
You sniff her?
I do.
He they come.
That's louder
than a dang car alarm.
What have we got?
I set the alarm off on accident.
I threw a ball and hit something.
I'm sorry.
This diaper might've set it off.
Is there any way I can go in
and get a diaper bag? Nobody goes in.
Golly. This--
All right,
I can't wait any longer.
I gotta change--
Lily, come with me.
Well, change it.
This is DEFCON 5.
This is bad.
That's on your hand.
Nope.
Ew, it's so gross.
Dead fish don't smell that bad.
Don't puke.
Dad, you were pretty grossed out
whenever we were changing
the diaper.
Lily, that was
a nuclear dragon turd.
It wasn't that bad to me.
To any normal person,
that will kill you.
I need a diaper.
Use your bandana.
How do you make
this a diaper, baby?
Put the big end on that part.
Yeah, add it to one side.
I'll tell you what, though,
that's love.
He's giving up his bandana.
And we're gonna bring this...
And this over through here?
Yes.
Nothing living
should ever smell like that.
You tellin' it right.
Think this'll work.
We did it, buddy.
Good job, Dad.
Thank you.
Thank you, baby.
I think it's just harder for you
because you've never changed
doody diapers.
I need you guys.
I lean on you guys for help.
You see?
That's a good parent.
Dad, you're 37 years old.
We're 11 and seven.
I can't deny that.
Okay, I got it.
Let go of my beard.
Let go of the beard.
No, he's holding on.
Hey, holdin' on.
This kid, he's pooped
through his diaper
like 50 times.
Jep, that's what babies do.
I'm saying,
what's the point of a diaper
if they just poop
all out of it?.
He busted again, boys!
Boy, we got a leaker.
Anybody got an extra bandana?
The boy leaks
everywhere he goes.
Do we have anything else?
It's warm.
It's warm.
It's really warm.
Hey, you need
to take this moment
and realize that
you have a problem.
I don't have a problem.
He's got a problem.
All right, everybody's allowed
to go back in now.
All right, Jep,
you can go back in now
and get your diaper bag.
Little too late now.
You have the best day.
All right.
Units can go back
in the building now.
I smell like a toilet.
Dad, suck it up.
Piggy, piggy.
Piggy!
Piggy.
Piggy.
Piggy.
Piggy poo.
My goodness.
Jep's almost back with the kids.
Okay, get into high action.
Shoot.
The kids were so devastated
after they lost
all their chickens
that I decided to replace them,
and while I was there,
I saw this adorable
mini Juliana pig,
and I just couldn't resist.
They're so precious.
Kay, all animals
are precious to you.
That's right.
I'm a little more worried
about what Jep's gonna think
after seeing this pig.
Ruby!
Where'd the piggy go?
He's under here.
Hold onto it.
Come on.
Come on.
I hear him. I know.
Gotcha. Got you.
Hey.
I'm just starting to wonder
if I made the wrong decision.
Shh.
Shh, shh.
It'll be good.
I hear them.
Shh. Shh.
They have a playhouse,
and we went down there...
Hey.
Hi, Mama.
I got a surprise for you.
It's a pig!
Aw!
Y'all come sit.
Y'all can take turns holding him.
I wanna hold him.
You gotta hold close
because he loves comfort.
He's so cute.
You want him to sleep
with you in your bed?
He kinda stinks.
Of all the animals
you could bring to this house,
why a pig?
These pigs are pet pigs,
like, they don't get that big,
you can potty train them,
and their cute little noses
just...
I mean, how cute is that?
He's so cute.
Jess, they also poop.
They puke.
I just don't understand why
you're against having a pet pig.
Because I don't want any more
living animals in this house.
That's why.
Tell me you at least got
chickens.
No, but, I mean, I thought
a pig was much better.
Jess, what about my breakfast?
I eat eggs every morning.
Jep, I was trying
to cheer the kids up
and what better way
than a mini, little pig?
What part of "huevos rancheros"
do you not understand?
A pig-- I mean, chickens, pig.
Eggs. Chickens, pig.
How much did you pay
for this pig?
It was like...
I can't hear you
if you don't say words.
Fifteen--
...dollars.
Fifteen dollars?
It was $1500.
Yeah, that's a good one.
It really was.
I told her you should've asked.
I hope you got a receipt.
Why?
Because we're taking him back.
No, Dad. This is our favorite one.
We love him.
Come on, babe.
Look how happy it makes them.
I'm not sad anymore.
Jess, you were supposed
to get chickens,
not pigs.
We coulda got, like,
200 chickens
for the amount we paid
on a stupid pig.
But look how happy the kids are.
They were so sad earlier.
Jess, what about my breakfast?
Babe, do you really care
more about your own breakfast
than your kids' happiness?
Do you want me to answer
that honestly?
All right,
I guess we can keep the pig.
Yay!
Yay.
Jep, where are the baby's pants?
Baby Gus peed on Dad.
What?
My God!
What?
Bacon. Bacon.
Hi, sweet Gus.
Hey.
We are all just having
a little neighborhood stroll.
Yeah! We got a pig.
You can play with it
when you get bigger.
What's the pig's name, guys?
Bacon!
I didn't think of that.
There you are, sweet Boy.
We love you.
Love you!