Jeeves and Wooster (1990–1993): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Con (or, Pearls Mean Tears) - full transcript

First, Bertie is summoned to a seaside resort by Aunt Agatha, who has a suitable marriage candidate for him. It's just a coincidence that the pearls the young lady pledges as collateral for a loan look exactly like the ones missing from Aunt Agatha's room ... or is it? Then, another of Bertie's friends winds up engaged to Honoria Glosset after misplacing the young lady he wanted to marry, and Jeeves is surprisingly unwilling to assist the friend in regaining his freedom.

(Train whistle)

Have you ever noticed
a rummy thing about life, Jeeves?

Well, dash it, Jeeves.
l know you're disappointed.

Mind the doors, please.

l could not say, sir.

The last time she sent a telegram,
it was to a dog.

A dog, sir?

- Did the animal's appetite improve, sir?
- Not noticeably.

Good afternoon, sir.
Welcome to Westcombe.

Ah, Behie. At last.

Oh, so different to those bold girls
one meets in London nowadays.

Her brother is curate
at Chipley-in-the-Glen in Dorset.

Sidney, doesn't Mr Wooster
remind you of Canon Blenkinsop,

(Aline) The municipal gardens,

(Behie) /'m for it this time, jeeves.

There isn't going to be any whiling.
Not with me and Miss Hemmingway.

- Very good, sir.
- Have you ever seen a floral clock?

A family matter requires my presence
in the metropolis tomorrow.

and the mother has asked
that l might reason with the child.

Sidney. Have you got the bags?

What-ho, Reverend. What-ho,
Miss Hemmingway. Mustn't keep you.


Kindly restrain your language, Behie.

The llmouth Museum is renowned
for its collection of knapped flints.


My word, Aline.

''A collection of flint arrowheads

''found by Mr George Foster
in his garden in Little llmouth.

''Presented to the llmouth Museum
by his widow, Mrs Maud Foster,

Ah, Jeeves, you're back. Thank heavens.

Did you have a pleasant afternoon, sir?


- Well, this is the life, eh, Jeeves?
- Most agreeable, sir.

Now, you wouldn't get this in Antibes,

Anyway, what about
Bluebottle for the next?


(lnaudible exchange)

- Well, they'll never find me here, Jeeves.
- l trust not, sir.

(lnaudible exchange)


- Something up?
- Ahem.

lf you mean was l successful,
l must answer in the negative.

Mr Wooster, we can't let you lend us
all this money without any security.

My pearls.

Oh, dash it!
Look, there's no need for security.

lf you could give me a receipt
as a matter of form.

Hemmingway with two Ms.

(Car horn)



- Biffy.
- Behie.

Why didn't you ask
the way to your hotel?

l'd give a shilling to know
the name of that hotel.

Behie, old man,
l came here to try and forget.

You seem to have managed that all right.

Anyway, l was going to tell you, Behie,

Well, that's interesting, Biffy.
Do you know who l saw at the Drones?

She was on stage.
She'd saved a few pounds

l'm trying to make you understand
she came of good middle-class stock,

Oh. Well, there you are, Biffy.

- And l shall wear my pearls, Thompson.
- Yes, madam.

Pardon me, madam.
Have you moved them?


My pearls have gone!

Someone has stolen my pearls!

l hold you responsible, Mr Bellwether.

(Police bell)

Telephone for Mrs Chumley-Bassett.

We were behind a pile of trunks
and l'd just asked her to be my wife,

And l haven't set eyes on her since.

The fact is l'd forgotten her name.

Exactly. She knows my name and where
l live, but l haven't heard from her.

(Police bell)

Go round the side.

This is absolutely disgraceful!


Superintendent, l am a taxpayer.

was a good friend
of your chief constable.

An extraordinary ruckus
going on out there, Jeeves.

- That's a bit of a coincidence.
- Sir?

- Good news, Mr Wooster.
- Wonderful news.

- Well, that's good, isn't it?
- We're so relieved.

Ah, there you are.

Oh. l'm...

Jeeves! The pearls have gone.

This is a most serious development,
Mr Wooster.

No, no. l can see that.

What a ghastly coincidence. Aunt Agatha
and l both losing pearl necklaces.

Mr Wooster. l trust you have searched
the innermost recesses of your heah?

Sergeant. A moment of your time.

(lndistinct conversation)

Oh, Mr Wooster.

Most amusing, Mr Wooster.

Your jewel case, Miss Hemmingway.

- Oh.
- Now we really must go.

Ah. Miss Hemmingway, l believe.

- Well, it's empty.
- Just an empty box.

- What's going on?
- Jeeves!

Prop... What do you mean...
These are Aunt Agatha's?

l think you may be wrong there. Aline
Hemmingway was keen to marry me.

Good Lord!

Well, l shall enjoy this.

- Mrs Gregson...
- l am asking you to arrest the girl.




(Clears throat) The engagement
is announced between Charles Edward,

lt's Biffy!

lndeed it is, sir.

Assuredly not, sir.


What ho, Biffy.


Still here, old fruit.

- ls it true you were engaged to Honoria?
- lt is.


Biffy, l tell you what,
l'll roll up to that lunch.

(musica) Any time you hear the thunder
rumble down

(musica) lf the blues appear
just make the best of them

(musica) At the risk of sounding
rather platitudinous

(musica) But a smile will
have him saying so long... (musica)

Do you know what l look for in a song,

Most...heah-warming, sir.

Yes, yes. That will be all, Jeeves.

No, no. No.


Oh. Very well, then.

Yes, well. l'm going back into
that sitting room now, Jeeves,

Yes. Well, then.

The Wooster grey matter
has been well and truly raked, Oofy.

Right. Would you like to smell
my buttonhole, Behie?

l forgot to fill it up. Hang on a minute.

This is what l love about
Barmy's wheezes.

Right. Behie, would you like
to smell my... No.


(Sighs) That's very nice,
Barmy, thank you.


Good Lord.



Good afternoon.

Mr Behram Wooster, sir.

What the devil are you doing?

- l'm all wet.
- Calm yourself, Biffy, old egg.

l guarantee that in under three seconds,

Sir Roderick and Lady Glossop
and Miss Honoria Glossop.

Good afternoon, l trust...

- Has there been some soh of accident?
- Oh, no, no. Nothing serious.

Sorry. l had to go and change my shih.

Are you working, Behie?

The last time we met, you told me
you were thinking about getting a job.

- flowers, do you, Sir Roderick?
- Flowers?

One of my most treasured memories

Why don't we all go to the theatre
tomorrow night?

Well, go on, Biffy, do it.

- What are you doing?
- He's gone mad.


(Car horn toots)


just so you'll be in with a chance again.

They make a nice display, don't they, sir?

and his troops let him down
at the eleventh hour.

The worst of it is that l've got to go
to the theatre with them tomorrow,

Dash it, Jeeves,
you are positively heahless!

l don't suppose
anyone knows of it except me.

l may have some small influence,

But he's travelling incognito

(musica) Woof, woof

(musica) lt'll can make rate your

Hey, girls, here comes Lady Ermintrude.

but she's got a man with her.

(musica) Woof, woof

Mind my leg.


Mabel, l looked everywhere for you.




..right across the orchestra pit.

That all sounds highly satisfactory, sir.

Did you know Mabel was in the show?

Good heavens, Jeeves!

- Was that the doorbell, Jeeves?
- lt cehainly gave that impression, sir.

l wish to see Mr Wooster, Jeeves.

l regret to say that Mr Wooster is asleep,
Mrs Gregson.

has disgraced himself at the theatre
this evening.

That was Mrs Gregson, sir.