Jeeves and Wooster (1990–1993): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Bassetts' Fancy Dress Ball (or, A Plan for Gussie) - full transcript

Gussie writes down quirks of Sir Watkyn and Spode in a little notebook to give him confidence, but he loses the notebook. Stephanie finds it but declines to give it back until Jeeves convinces Sir Watkyn to allow her to marry Harold. When Jeeves' efforts backfire, Stephanie gives the notebook to Spode herself. Harold steals a policeman's helmet for Stephanie, who hides it in Bertie's room and then tells the constable and her father that Bertie stole it.

(Horn peeps)

(Rings doorbell)

Good afternoon, Mr Fink-Nottle.

Mr Wooster is not at home, but perhaps
l can get you some refreshments.

l've got the most frightful problem.
l can't sleep thinking about it.

- l'm frightened of Sir Watkyn Bassett.
- Your prospective father-in-law, sir?

A week ago, l realised that l'd have to
make a speech at the wedding breakfast

Perhaps l can be of assistance, sir.

- (Ball lands with a thud)
- (Screaming)

He was lucky to get away with that shot.

(All) Howzat!



- That wasn't out!
- Oh, yes, it was, Stiffy.

Er, two leg, please, Umpire.

Oh, l say, Gussie's changed.

All wight.



- (Applause)
- ls he saying l'm out?

That was...

Every citizen has a right...

when issued with a British bicycle

thus assured of a mobile workforce

l say. That's a jolly good idea, Jeeves.

That soh of thing really makes you think,
doesn't it, Jeeves?

The working masses.

Look, Harold.
There's Uncle Watty over there.

- About us getting married, of course!
- Well, yes. But here?

Was he?

- Harold wants to talk to you, Uncle.
- What?

- We want to get married.
- Married? You and Stephanie?

Oh, well played! Well played.

You were absolutely hopeless.

That was a no-ball.

l am talking to you, Constable Oates.

Was you addressing me, miss?

- Cehain people with dogs.
- (Growling)

lf you really loved me,
you'd do something about that man.

You'll never be a bishop.

That was never out.

Stop the car, Behie.


Clear the road!

You watch where you're going, mister!

Gussie, l don't know how to put this,
but you've changed.


lmagine what it was like
contemplating making a speech

That man is a marvel, Behie!

- You wrote it down, sir?
- Yah. ln a little notebook.

No, l...

- (Whimpers)
- Now...

- Now, Gussie. Stop.
- When's the next train?

Well, l had it in my pocket
when l was playing tennis.

We need more chairs, Butterfield.
There are 400 guests.

and it might fall
into the hands of your uncle.

Of course, one wishes you all the luck
in the world, but l don't quite see...

Er, Stiffy...

What is it, Jeeves?

Curious objects?

They're handkerchiefs, Jeeves.

l'm worried he might do something rash
and upset the applecah.

(Woman) Yes?

- Oh, Gussie!
- l've brought you a newt!

- You'd better come in.
- They make wonderful pets.


Shall l lay out one of your novelty
handkerchiefs for you today, sir?

l fear l am not at libehy to elucidate.

lt's all over.

- You took her a newt?
- l thought it might soften her up.

You thought a newt might soften her up?

((musica) Piano)

- What ho, Madeline?
- ((musica) Playing continues)

l will be your wife, Behie.

Now, l'd better go and tell Daddy
to announce our engagement at the ball.

No, well... Let's leave it till later.


What am l going to do, Jeeves?

lt occurs to me wonder that if
Miss Bassett were to see for herself

Right, Jeeves, you take the wardrobe.
l'll deal with the chest of drawers.


- Jeeves?
- Er, sir?

- Did you speak, Jeeves?
- No, sir.


(Laughs weakly)

You're surely not frightened
of a tiny little dog, Jeeves.

(Door opening)

What ho, Stiffy?

l expect you're surprised to see us here.

Yes, it would.

- Oh, come now, Stiffy!
- Don't you ''oh, come now'' me!

l got to the rectory

then l'm glad l found out in time!

Don't talk to me about notebooks now!

(Loud blowing)


(Man) Come in!

Madeline, what can l do for you?

(Sir Watkyn) Behie Wooster?
No! Oh, dear God, Madeline, not that!

Now look at them.

- One tries to keep cheerful, you know.
- Does one?

After you've seen Uncle Watkyn.

Keep a general lookout, Oates.
There's always a few gate-crashers.

Have you ever thought about love,
Sir Watkyn?

l just want to say that you'll not
be losing a niece, but gaining a nephew.

But...l thought it was my daughter.

What was?

My daughter distinctly told me
that you and she were...

Madeline? No, no, no, no, no, no.
lt's Stiffy all right. Stephanie. Yes.

But... Are you absolutely
sure about that, sir?

What do you mean, we're engaged?

(Clearing throat)



Brussels sprouts!

Something, something, something.

Erm, yes, what is it, Stephanie?

lt's about me and Mr Pinker.

But l have something
you might be interested to see.

- What's he coming as?
- Sir Walter Raleigh. Same as last year.

Where would you like these two?

What is it?



Harold! My dream of joy!


- (Banging)
- (Whimpering)

Come out, you putrid little eahhworm!

Well, upon my word, Spode,
this is too much.

Yes, erm, give me that book, Spode.

l'm going to tear your head
from off your shoulders!

- Are you going to keep the book?
- l am.

Cehainly not. All you do now is pop off.

Gussie, your troubles are over.

Gussie, how could you?

Shall we take the poultry and roast beef
to the buffet tent now, Miss Madeline?

- l'm in the middle of an experiment.
- Touched them?

(Woman) Hello, Butterfield, you look well.
(Man) Good evening.

l ticked him off.
Called him every name l could think of.

Am l to gather that Sir Watkyn was about
to bathe when he found your creatures?

((musica) Swing)

Darling, you look lovely.


Did you see that Fink-Nottle
come this way?

- Did you see Fink-Nottle on the way up?
- No.

will in no way
tarnish your enjoyment, sir.

ls the prisoner not to be allowed
a moment of forgetfulness

l'm sorry, sir. lt was thoughtless of me.

ls something amiss, Jeeves?

(Firm knock)

Can l be of assistance?


(Spode) lt means that one could give
over the entire area of Gloucestershire


l'm going to ram that notebook of yours
down your throat!

Augustus thinks l'm cross with him.



He's got it somewhere, Sir Watkyn, sir.

Sir W Bassett,
you never spoke a truer word.

Er... on the other hand,
one mustn't take too harsh a view.




(Church bells)

- Hi.
- Behie!

Oh, don't be such a crosspatch!
lt all worked out perfectly.

(Both) Hail Spode!

(Jeeves) Er, Mr Spode, sir?

Just one word, sir.

What is it?

The one word, sir,

You're free to go now.

By the way, Barmy, did you pay my bail?

Er, what ho.

Carry on, men.

What are you doing here, Wooster?
l distinctly told Oates to...

l was going to keep quiet about it

Well... it appears l...owe you an apology,
Mr Wooster.

Thank you. Goodbye, Bassett.

l need scarcely say, l think,
that l hope this will be a lesson to you.

- Eulalie again, Jeeves?
- lndeed, sir.

There isn't anyone else l can use it on,
is there?

Stop the car! Stop!

- Love will find a way.
- No, it's my newts l'm worried about.

- Have you ever been to Gussie's place?
- No, what's it like?

Good Lord!

(Behie) lt's Spode.

lt doesn't suit him, does it?

Well, sir, seeing that you have
discovered pah of the matter,

Good Lord. Well,
no wonder he didn't want it to come out.

Yes, you can't be a successful dictator
and design women's underclothing.

One or the other. Not both.

Thank you, sir.
l destroyed them last night.

Oh, did you, by Jove?

Well, very good, then, Jeeves.