Jeeves and Wooster (1990–1993): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Silver Jug (or Jeeves Saves the Cow Creamer) - full transcript

Romantic entanglements are complicated by a unique silver cow creamer that is desired by both Bertie's Uncle Thomas and his rival, Judge Sir Watkyn Bassett. Sir Watkyn purchases the creamer by telling the shopkeeper, falsely, that Thomas had sent him. Bertie's Aunt Dahlia and friend "Stiffy" Byng both want him to steal the creamer for different reasons, but Judge Sir Watkyn has already sentenced him once (for stealing a bobby's helmet) and he doesn't want to go to jail.

Brother Blackshohs,
as l stand before you tonight,

Our policies are clear,
our policies are just,

And three. The compulsory scientific
measurement of all adult male knees.

Not for the true-born Englishman
the bony, angular knee

Not for him the puffy knee
of the criminal classes.

Hail Spode!

Good evening, sir.

An excellent rally, excellent.
A dozen new recruits to the cause.

His knees.

Come on, Behie!

Well, this is a happy occasion,
old Gussie getting engaged.


A most satisfactory binge, last night.

l doubt it. Slice him where you like,
a hell-hound is always a hell-hound.

Very good, sir.

You must understand, Jeeves,
that when two men of iron will

- Oh? l wonder what she...
- (Doorbell)

- ls it awake yet?
- Ah, what ho, Aunt Dahlia?

l want you to go to an antique shop
in Bond St and sneer at a cow-creamer.

- Do what at a what?
- lt's silver,

Well, sounds dashed unpleasant to me.

lf he can get this thing cheaply,
it may save him from an early grave.

Well, you heard what Jeeves said.
Now, run along and sneer!

No, no, l don't think so,
l've another very like this.

- (Telephone)
- Morning!

- (Shopkeeper) Hello, Fox here.
- l know you, young man!

Look at him.

- Quite reformed.
- Huh!


- Oh, has the gentleman gone?
- Yes, yes, they've gone, yes.

- What?
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no,

- l can't see any hallmark.
- Are you blind?

(Distressed miaow)

Ha! Smash-and-grab-man, by God!

l say, Spode, look at this.

- Can l help you, officer?
- Where did he go?

- l-l shouldn't go in there if were you.
- Oh, no?

Come with me, officer.

(Raucous laughter)

This way, come along.

- lt's her.
- Sir?

Mrs Travers will be
most disappointed, sir.

Good morning, Mrs Travers.

- Mrs Travers, sir.
- l thought l'd told you...

- Well, well, well.
- ls all you can say ''Well, well ,well''?

- l don't think you should be too severe.
- l shall not be severe, l shall be just.

You'd best hope that by every moral law,
that cow-creamer belongs to Tom.

- lf you say so, old flesh and blood.
- Good.

Because you're going to
steal it back for me.

(Watkyn) l don't care
how spiritual Harold Pinker is,

l don't care if he played
tiddlywinks for the Sorbonne.

Harold is not half-baked, Uncle Wattie.

lt's no good, Stiffy.
Sir Watkyn will never allow you

All right. l shall be dignified,
l shall be urbane.

lf you could not trip over the furniture,
it'd be a stah.

- (Gong)
- Come on, there's the gong.

(Dog growls)

Under the new order,
the whole of Wales and Scotland

(Spode) Nothing...but...potatoes.


Sorry l'm late, Sir Watkyn,
l've just been arranging my tanks.

- Tanks?
- Yes, my newt-tanks.

Mr Fink-Nottle breeds newts.
When Augustus and l are married

Little madam...married...

to him?!

Oh, have you seen Madeline?

- Gussie, could you help?
- l don't know.

Won't you have a look
over there, at the light...?

- (Madeline) Gussie!
- Oh hello, Madeline.

- Telegram for Mr Wooster.
- Thank you, Mr Jarvis.

A telegram for you, sir.

(Clears throat)

''Unless come earliest possible moment
prepared lend every effoh reconciliation,

''Fink-Nottle, Totleigh Towers,
Totleigh-in-the-Wold, Gloucestershire.

(Duck squeaks)

Forgive me for mentioning it,
but am l not right in thinking that

Good Lord, you're absolutely right!
We must go down to Totleigh in person.

Yes, sir. Totleigh Towers might
also seem the convenient place

(Spode) Hands up!

- Now, look...
- Watkyn, come here!

Naturally your silver's
the first thing Behie would look for.

- Ohh.
- (Madeline) Come along, Behie.

Anyway, it wasn't bag-snatching,
it was policeman's helmet-stealing.

(Madeline) How sweet of you to come,
Behie, but everything's sohed out.

You know, sometimes l ask myself if
l'm wohhy of so rare a soul as Augustus.

- Wooster, l want a word with you.
- Ah, what ho?

l've found you with it
in your hands already.

Or perhaps you think you're clever
enough to steal it without detection.

- Oh, er... Definitely.
- Splendid.

Right, to Aunt Dahlia. Erm... ''l say,
look here, this is absolutely impossible,

ls it a code?

- Mornin'.
- Mornin', Constable Oates.

- Get off! Stupid dog, get off!
- (Growling)

Get away!
Get away from me, you stupid...


What on eahh did you do that for?

You might've scared him out of his wits,
hurling yourself about!

- Poor old Batholomew!
- l must caution you, Miss Stephanie...

Oh, it's you, Behie!
Did you see what happened?


l'm just on my way to see Harold,
we're engaged, you know.

Don't tell a soul, Uncle Watkyn mustn't
know until he's been well sweetened.

He talks a lot about you. Harold Pinker.

- Oh, there you are Behie, here's Harold.
- Stinker! Good heavens!

Harold... We can't talk here,
come to Harold's room in the rectory.

or at least l should be.

- Sit down Behie. You tell him, Harold.
- Well, what we thought was,

What's the point of that?

Oh, l see! You want me to put on a black
mask, break in through the window,

Then Harold comes back
into the house, covered in blood...


- Behie, l think you're a pig!
- Maybe, but a shrewd level-headed pig,

Now that her engagement's been broken
you should show a little interest.

Why've you gone all quiet?


Mrs Travers has arrived, sir.
She has a matter of some impohance

Ah! What ho, aunt of my bosom?

You will get that cow-creamer.

No, no , no, no...

This is getting beyond a joke, Jeeves.

The club book?

This not only provides entehaining
reading, but also serves as a warning

and mistook the lamp for a burglar?


- Right, all set, Jeeves?
- Yes, sir.

Hullo Desmond,
here's some nice ant eggs for you.

What a silly daddy! Really!


l'll get Mr Herbeh
to come up and see to it, sir.

Of course, one can't get
proper gentlemen, nowadays.

Oh, really quite promising. l suspected
l could make something of him

But you want to see the book, don't you?

The book for Mr Jeeves, if you please.

for wearing a soft hat
before Goodwood?

Why don't you try not answering,
when he calls you by the wrong name?

Mm, yes.

Mm, yes.

(Bird calls)

- Anything l can do for you?
- Why wasn't Fink-Nottle at dinner?

- Do butterflies do that?
- Are you trying to be funny?

(Ghostly voice) Behie!

- Show yourself! l am not afraid.
- (Knocking)

They ought to put handles
on the inside of those things!

Why he didn't look inside l can't imagine.
l thought dictators were thorough.

- You're not afraid of Spode?
- l am!

But Behie, my life is at stake!


Goodbye, Behie.
You have disappointed me.

So, at midnight you're waiting
in the silver room, all right?

That should do it, l should think.

- Really?
- We want to see blood, remember?


Who goes there?

(Car approaching)

- What happened? Has Spode a secret?
- lndeed he has, sir.

lt's only the details of the matter
l'm precluded from mentioning, sir.

- Eulalie?
- Eulalie, sir.

Sure you can't go any deeper
into the subject?

- Oi!
- Aaah!

What do you mean,
sneaking up on me like that?

What do you mean by mucking up
my bed linen after l specifically forbad it?

l have learned something that
he'd not care to have generally known.

Well, Spode, what is it now?

- Ah...
- You know all about what?

Ah...Euthymol! Ahh...






- Eunuch!
- (Spode growling)


What... Eu...!

- Now, then!
- (Gussie whimpering)



Ah, yes, well,
always think, Spode, always!

(Giggles) Behie!


Oh, my Lord!

- Where d'you think you're going?
- lt's gone, sir.

And you were just going off
and leaving everything else unguarded?

You did it!

- Help! Thief, help!
- lt's not Behie!

- Help me!
- l can't understand it, Sir Watkyn, sir.

- Harold caught the thief.
- What? Oh, well done, young man.

There was an intruder, Sir Watkyn, sir!
l very nearly apprehended 'em, and...

- Well?
- Nothin', Sir Watkyn, sir.

lf you are now quite satisfied,

Thank you, Mr Butterfield,
for a most enjoyable stay.

- Bally rum, Jeeves, all that.
- lndeed, sir.

- Everything all right, old kith and kin?
- Wonderful, thank you, dear.

Good Lord!

Good Lord!

Thank you, Jeeves!

Good Lord!

There is just one thing, Jeeves. l do wish
you'd give me the inside dope on Eulalie.

- No, sir, no, l could not betray a trust.
- Jeeves, l stand in awe.