Jeeves and Wooster (1990–1993): Season 1, Episode 5 - Will Anatole Return to Brinkley Court? (or, the Matchmaker) - full transcript

(Phone rings)

(Whistles)

(Continues ringing)

(Phone stops ringing)

(Door bell rings)

(Door bell continues ringing)

(Man) l know you're in there, Bertie.
l can hear you whistling.

(Clears throat) Who is that?

- Who's that?
- lt's Jeeves.

Oh, it's Cyril Fotheringay Phipps.

- Barmy?
- Steady on, Jeeves.



Come on in, quick. Come on. Come on.

Most extraordinary thing. l was talking
to your man Jeeves a second ago.

- No, no, it was me.
- He said he was Jeeves.

lt was me.
l was pretending to be Jeeves.

Oh, l see. Jolly good. Why?

l don't want my Aunt Dahlia to know
l'm here. Had a set-to at her place.

(Phone rings)

- No, don't answer it.
- l wasn't going to.

She'll be regretting it now. She'll beg me
to come back and sort things out.

No, answer it. Pretend to be Jeeves.

- How?
- Erm... Just sort of say you're Jeeves.

Right.

Mr Wooster's residence.

Where is Mr Wooster?



He's not at home, sir.

l'm Jeeves.

What do you mean you think not?

Oh.

- Well, who was it?
- Jeeves.

- Oh. Where was he?
- Just round the corner.

Ah, sent as an emissary, no doubt.
l'm sorry, but one can only do so much.

- What's an emissary?
- lt's something that's sent.

- What are you doing here anyway?
- Nothing. Just came over for a smoke.

- Hope you don't mind.
- No. Smoke away, Barmy. Smoke away.

(Kettle whistles)

Oh!

Phew.

When you said you'd come for a smoke...

l can't smoke at the Drones at
the moment. lt's Oofy Prosser, you see.

We've got a bet on how long
we can go without smoking.

My doctor says it's better for me anyway.

Good morning, Mr Fotheringay Phipps.

- Morning, Jeeves.
- Mr Wooster.

Morning, Jeeves.
l'm just making some tea.

Really, sir? Perhaps l could...

No, l may as well do it now. l've got
quite used to looking after myself.

lt's surprising how much
one can assimilate in a day.

Mmm. Now, Jeeves, it says here
it's best to use soft water,

but after boiling,
it may again become hard.

That's ice, isn't it?

And it says here, that's right,

''One teaspoon per person
and one for the pot.''

Why does the pot get one?

lf you'd allow me, sir.

- Cup of tea, Barmy?
- Love one.

- All right, Jeeves, get on with it.
- Sir?

lt is obvious to
the meanest intelligence, Jeeves,

that you have been dispatched here
by my Aunt Dahlia

to plead with me
to come back to Brinkley.

Same old emotional quagmire
down there, l suppose.

Tuppy grinding his teeth, Angela aloof,

Uncle Tom off his feed,
Madeline off her head

and Fink-Nottle trembling at the thought
of the prize giving.

l'm sorry, but Mrs Travers will have
to sort this thing out herself.

Very good, sir. l was, in fact, sent to
persuade Monsieur Anatole to return, sir.

- Anatole the cook, Jeeves?
- Yes, sir.

Not to persuade me back to restore
peace and harmony to the inhabitants?

Mrs Travers made no mention of it, sir.

Well, of all the nerve, Jeeves.

- This is what they call gratitude, is it?
- l really couldn't say, sir.

l don't think l'm going too far, when l say
this just about takes the giddy biscuit.

Very good, sir.

l shall return to Brinkley and give the
whole bunch of them a good talking to,

starting with that idiot Tuppy.

lf you want a Turkish,
they're in the silver box.

Oh, righto, Bertie.

- Toodle-pip.
- Cheerio.

- Ah.
- Ah.

- You're not going out, are you?
- l am, Oofy. How can l help you?

Well, l wanted to have a smoke.

Say no more, Oofy.

My house is your house.

l've got this bet on with Barmy.

There's no need to explain.

lf you want a Turkish,
they're in the silver box.

Ah!

(Sloshes wine)

- Am l not somebody, Mr Jeeves?
- Undoubtedly, Monsieur Anatole.

Then why are they making against me
like bad peoples?

Delicious veloute
aux fleurs de courgette.

Monsieur Anatole himself
taught me to make it,

when he first stayed at our little hotel.

Ah, but Madam has got
the good of me many times over.

A little more perhaps for Mr Jeeves.

We have a duty to look after our ladies
and gentlemen, Monsieur Anatole.

Look after? Am l the nursie?
Am l the the nursie for the kiddies?

No, this is not kiddies. No, no, no, no, no.

Kiddies is nice.
Kiddies is not stopping with eats.

Kiddies is not saying to us chap,
''Puff, we not like you no more.

''We not eat your combustibles.''

Since time immemorial, Monsieur
Anatole, it has fallen to the Gallic races

to bring civilisation to the rude
northerly provinces of their empire.

Mmm. ls true. Anatole is civilian.
Anatole is nice.

lt hasn't always been easy.

Sometimes it has seemed
impossible, but...

Up to the time she went to Cannes,
Angela loved me. You'll admit that.

Oh, indisputably.

But when she came back, she was just
looking for an excuse to get rid of me.

Oh, no, no, no. What would she
want to get rid of you for?

Obviously during those two months,

she's transferred her affections to
some foul blister she's met out there.

No, no, no, no.

Well, l'll tell you one thing
and you can take this as official.

lf ever l find
this slimy snake in the grass,

l propose to take him by his beastly
neck, shake him till he froths

and then pull him inside out
and make him swallow himself.

All right?

My dear Tuppy, during
those two months on the Riviera,

it so happens that Angela and l
were practically inseparable.

lf there had been
somebody nosing around,

l should have spotted it in a second.

l see.

So...no mixed bathing
and moonlight strolls?

No, no, no, no. Well, only with me.
lt was quite a joke at the hotel.

But then l've always been
devoted to Angela.

- Really?
- Oh, yes, yes.

When we were kids,
she used to call me her little sweetheart.

Ah, you're back.

You're back.

Welcome. Welcome, Monsieur Anatole.

We have no more stuffing
with the eating, l think.

l get my bagages.

Jeeves, l can never
thank you sufficiently. Never.

You've saved my husband's digestion.

What ho, Aunt Dahlia!

l didn't know that your master
was back, Jeeves.

Has he no mercy?

Jeeves...

Suppose that you were strolling
through the illimitable jungle

and you happened to meet a tiger cub.

The contingency is a remote one, sir.

- Never mind. Let's us suppose it.
- Very good, sir.

Let us now suppose
that you biffed that tiger cub

and let us further suppose that word
reached its mother that you'd done so.

Now, what would you expect
the attitude of that mother to be?

ln the circumstances, l should anticipate
a show of disapprobation, sir.

Yes, very good, Jeeves. Very well put.

Now let us suppose that recently
there'd been some little...coolness

between the tiger cub and the tigress.

l don't know, for a day or two, perhaps,
they'd not been on speaking terms.

Now, would this make
any difference to the vim

with which the latter leaps
to the former's aid?

- No, sir.
- Well, here, then, in brief, is my plan.

l will draw my cousin Angela
to one side to a secluded spot

and l shall roast Tuppy properly.

Roast, sir?

Erm... Disparage, knock,
decry, denounce.

l shall be very terse about Tuppy,

giving it, as my opinion,
that in all the essentials,

he is more akin to a warthog,
than an ex-member of a fine old school.

- And what will ensue?
- What, indeed, sir?

Er, no, Jeeves. That was
one of those erm...whatsit questions.

- Rhetorical, sir?
- Right, yes.

Now, hearing him attacked,
my cousin Angela's heart will become

as sick as mud,
the maternal tigress in her will awaken.

No matter what differences they've had,

she will remember that he is the man
she loves and leap to his defence.

From there to falling
into his arms is but a step.

So how do you react to that, Jeeves?

The idea is an ingenious one, sir.

Well, we Woosters are ingenious,
noted for it.

lf one things gives us the pip,
it's two loving hearts being estranged.

l can readily appreciate it, sir.

l'm not speaking about knowledge
of the form book. l've tested this theory.

- lndeed, sir?
- Mmm. Oh, yes.

And it works.

l was standing on Eden Rock in Antibes
last month and a girl l know slightly

pointed to this fellow
diving into the water

and asked me if l didn't think
that his legs were about

the silliest looking pair of props
ever issued to a human being.

Well, l agreed that indeed they were
and for, perhaps, a couple of minutes,

l was extraordinarily witty and satirical
about this bird's underpinnings.

And guess what happened next?

l am agog to learn, sir.

A cyclone is what happened next,
Jeeves, emanating from this girl.

She started on my own legs, saying that
they weren't much to write home about

and then she moved on
to dissect my manners, morals,

intellect, general physique
and method of eating asparagus.

By the time she'd finished, the best that
could be said about poor old Bertram

was that so far as was known, he hadn't
actually burnt down an orphanage.

A most illuminating story, sir.

No, no, no, Jeeves, Jeeves.

You haven't had the pay-off yet.

Oh, l'm so sorry, sir. The structure
of your tale deceived me

for a moment into thinking
that it was over.

No, no, the point is that she was actually
engaged to this fellow with the legs.

They'd had a disagreement
the night before,

but there they were, the following night,
their differences made up

and the love light
once more in their eyes.

l expect much the same results
with my cousin Angela.

l look forward to it
with lively anticipation, sir.

- Care for a saunter, Angela, old girl?
- Love to, Bertie, darling.

Goodo.

Shh.

Tom's listening to the news.

l have much to say
that's not for the public ear.

Bertie, darling, this grass is awfully wet.
lt'll ruin my shoes.

- Put your feet on my lap.
- All right.

- You can tickle my ankles.
- Right.

Now, Angela,
what about you and Tuppy?

ls it true the wedding bells
are not going to ring out?

- Yes.
- Definitely over, eh?

Definitely.

Well, if you want my opinion,
it's a bit of goose for you.

lt's a mystery
how you stood him for so long.

ls that an animal in the bush
over there, Bertie?

- lt sort of rustled.
- lt's probably a weasel.

Taken all in all, this Glossop ranks very
low down among the wines and spirits.

- Frightful oik.
- l always thought you were friends.

What, friends... No, no, no, no, no.
Absolutely not. No.

One was civil, of course,
but in addition to looking like

a thing that comes out of hollow trees,

he's universally acknowledged
to be a dumb brick of the first water.

No soul, no conversation, nothing.

- Yes. Yes, you're quite right.
- Eh?

lt's so nice to talk to someone who takes
a sensible view about this Glossop.

- Well, l...
- He's conceited and opinionated.

He drinks too much, eats too much and
l don't much like the colour of his hair.

l'm going in.

- Er...
- Goodbye, Bertie.

So!

- Ah, Tuppy, old chap.
- So!

- Been here long?
- Long enough.

l'm going to kick your spine up
through the top of your head.

Ah, yes, erm...l think l know
what's on your mind, Tuppy.

lf you were in those bushes, during the
conversation with the recent Angela...

- l was.
- You were. You were. Right, good.

We won't go into the ethics of it.
Eavesdropping people call it.

- A bit un-English, you must admit.
- l'm Scots.

- Really? l didn't know that.
- l'm going to get you.

- Now, look, Tuppy, it was a plan.
- What are you talking about?

Well...if it wasn't a plan,
why did l knock you to Angela?

- Because you're in love with her.
- l rest my case.

- What? No!
- Someone stole her from me in Cannes.

You told me she was with you all the
time and hardly spoke to anybody else.

Now, Tuppy, look here, you've got
this all wrong and l can prove it.

During that sojourn in Cannes,
my affections were engaged elsewhere.

- What?
- My affections engaged elsewhere.

Well, who was she?

My dear Tuppy, does one
bandy a woman's name?

lf one doesn't want one's head pulled off.

Yes, right.
Well, obviously this is a special case.

Madeline Bassett.

You're in love with
that weird gawd-help-us Bassett.

Well, l don't think you should call her
a weird gawd-help-us, Tuppy.

Odd in some of her views perhaps.

One does not see eye-to-eye with her
on the matter of stars and bunny rabbits,

but not a weird gawd-help-us.

And you stick to it
that you're in love with her?

lt is not 24 hours
since she turned me down.

- Turned you down?
- Like a bedspread. ln this very garden.

So you see l can't be the chap, if any,
who stole Angela from you in Cannes.

Cos your affections
were engaged elsewhere?

During that sojourn.

Oh, l see.

All right, then.
Sorry to have troubled you.

lt wasn't just you.
What about the things Angela said?

Oh, well, she obviously spotted you
in those bushes

and was just talking to score off you.

She adores you, Tuppy.
She worships the ground you tread on...

Bertie, if you should see Mr Glossop,
perhaps you would give him these.

lt's nearly six o'clock
and he hasn't eaten a morsel since tea.

Oh, l know. l'll put them down here.

They'll be easier for him to reach.

lt's like leaving food out
for a little animal.

Er...Angela!

How still and peaceful everything is.

Jeeves, l have decided
that Tuppy and Miss Angela

will have to disentangle their own affairs.

Today is the day for finally clearing up

the whole Gussie-Miss Bassett
imbroglio.

lndeed, sir.

Where we've been falling down is in not
keeping it to the forefront of our minds

that in Gussie Fink-Nottle,
we are dealing with a poop.

A sensitive plant might perhaps be
a kinder description, sir.

A poop, Jeeves. And a poop who drinks
nothing stronger than orange juice.

- l was not aware of that, sir.
- Oh, yes. l've had it from his own lips.

Whether from some hereditary taint,
or he promised his mother he wouldn't,

Gussie Fink-Nottle's never pushed so
much as a gin and tonic over the larynx.

And he expects, this poop expects,
Jeeves, under these conditions,

to propose marriage to the girl he loves.

l mean...one hardly knows
whether to smile or weep, what?

You consider total abstinence
to be a handicap

in a gentleman wishing to make
a proposal of marriage?

Dash it, Jeeves. Use your intelligence.

Were it not for the grape and the grain,
weddings would be a thing of the past.

Proposals but a dim memory.

Without it, Jeeves, we'd babble.

Thank you, Jeeves.

Only active measures promptly applied
can prevent this poor poop Fink-Nottle

from babbling about newts again.

Which is why l intend
to secure a bottle of gin

and lace his luncheon
orange juice with it.

Sir?

l can't imagine why you ''sir'' Jeeves?

The plan l've put forward seems
to me to be icily logical.

l fail to see why
it should attract any ''sirring''.

No, sir?

Let us hear your objections,
then, Jeeves.

A certain amount of risk
is inherent in your stratagem, sir.

lt is not always a simple matter
to gauge the effect of alcohol

on a subject previously
unexposed to such stimulants.

lt can have distressing results
in the case of parrots.

- Parrots?
- l'm thinking of an incident

when l was in the service of the late
Lord Brancaster, who owned a parrot.

One day it happened
that the bird was lethargic, sir,

and His Lordship offered it a portion
of seedcake steeped in the '84 port.

Oh, good egg.

The bird bit His Lordship on his thumb
and sang part of a sea shanty.

lt then fell to the bottom of its cage
and remained there

for some considerable period of time
with its legs in the air, unable to move.

- l merely mention this, sir.
- There's a flaw here, Jeeves.

- Do you know what it is?
- No, sir.

- Gussie isn't a parrot.
- True, sir, but...

No more discussion, Jeeves.
He's a poop.

Very good, sir.

You noticed l said l was going to put
this project through today, Jeeves?

Why do you think l said today?

You feel that if it 'twere done
when 'tis done,

then 'twere well it were done quickly, sir?

Partly, Jeeves, yes, partly.

But the chief reason is that today
is the day of the prize giving

at Market Snodsbury Grammar School.

We shall, by lacing the juice, embolden
him to propose to Miss Bassett,

and also put him so into shape that
he will hold that audience spellbound.

l see, sir.

Ah, Jeeves. Thank you.

Seems to be happy enough.

lndeed, sir. The engagement appears
to have lifted his spirits considerably.

Engagement?

You're not aware that Mr Fink-Nottle

proposed to Miss Bassett
this afternoon and was accepted, sir?

Well, well, well, Jeeves.
You see how right l was.

lndeed, sir.

This must be an eye-opener for you,
watch me handling this case.

Luckily, sir, l found an opportunity
to add half a bottle of spirits

to his luncheon orange juice.

Oh, Jeeves.

So did l, Jeeves.

Now, this year,
we are all delighted to welcome,

as our guest for the afternoon,
Mr Fitz Wottle.

Fink-Nottle!

(Laughter)

l should say Fink-Nottle.

Well, of course you should, you silly ass.

- (Laughter)
- All right, get on with it.

We are all happy, as l say,
to welcome Mr Fink-Nottle,

who has kindly consented
to present the prizes.

Now, l'm sure Mr Fink-Nottle's name
is familiar to us all.

(Gussie) Not to you!
You didn't seem to know it.

(Laughter)

Righto, push off.

Speech.

- Speech?
- (Cheering)

Boys... l mean,
ladies and gentlemen and boys.

lt's a beautiful world, boys and girls,

ladies and gentlemen,
Lords and...things.

l mean, the sky is blue.

The birds are singing.

There's optimism everywhere.

And why not, girls and ladies?

l should like you all to be upstanding and
give three cheers for this beautiful world.

- Up you get. Hip, hip!
- Hurray!

- Hip, hip!
- Hurray!

- Hip, hip!
- Hurray!

All right, sit down, sit down.

Now, anybody who says
this isn't a beautiful world

doesn't know what they're talking about.

You see, if there's one thing in
the world l can't stand, it's a pessimist.

You see, a pessimist is a man who...

Why, hello, Bertie.

l didn't know you were here.

Now, there's an instance of what l mean.

Erm, ladies and whatsits,

take a good look at that object
sitting there at the back,

morning coat, trousers as worn, rose
in buttonhole, you can't miss him.

l despise that man, women and children.

And shall l tell you why? Yes?
Because he's a...

l think, Mr Fink-Nottle, as time is getting
on, we ought to commence the prizes.

Oh, it's you.

The prizes, yes, righto. We might
as well be shoving along with it.

- What's this one?
- Spelling and dictation, PK Purvis.

Spelling and dictation, PK Purvis.

Forward, PK Purvis.

- Are you PK Purvis?
- Yes, sir.

- lt's a beautiful world, PK Purvis.
- Yes, sir.

Ah, you've noticed it, have you? Good.

- Are you married by any chance?
- No, sir.

Get married, PK Purvis. lt's the only life.

- Yes, sir.
- Good boy.

Right, Headmaster, what's the next one?

GG Simmons, scripture knowledge.

GG Simmons, scripture knowledge.

So you've won the scripture knowledge
prize, have you, GG Simmons?

- Sir, yes, sir.
- Yes.

You look just the sort
of little tick who would.

How are we to know that you came by it
in an open and above-board manner?

l can assure you, Mr Fink-Nottle,
every care was taken

to ensure a correct marking.

lf you say so. All right, GG Simmons,
take your prize.

- Sir, thank you, sir.
- But let me tell you,

there's nothing to go on about in
winning a prize for scripture knowledge.

Bertie Wooster won
a scripture knowledge prize.

But, of course, Bertie frankly cheated.

He succeeded in scrounging
that scripture knowledge prize

over the heads of better men,

by means of some of the rawest
and most brazen swindling methods,

even at a school
where such things were the norm.

Madeline?

Madeline, wh...

Madeline! Madeline!

You'll not be surprised to learn,
Jeeves, that Madeline and Gussie

are no longer engaged after
the fiasco of the prize giving.

- Was there much more after l left?
- No, sir.

Mr Fink-Nottle's
inflamed cerebral condition

brought about an early closure.

He returned to the theme
of Master GG Simmons

and his scripture knowledge prize,

hinting of systematic cheating
on an impressive scale.

He even went so far as to suggest that
Master Simmons is known to the police.

- Oh, golly.
- Yes, sir.

- Not our finest hour, Jeeves.
- No, sir.

(Knocking)

- Door, Jeeves.
- Yes, sir.

That may be Mr Fink-Nottle now.

Oh, it's not you. Hello, Tuppy.

Mr Glossop.

lf you'll excuse me, sir.

You remember what l swore l'd do to
the chap who stole Angela from me?

Well, as nearly as l can recall,
you were going to pull him inside out...

And make him swallow himself. Correct.

Well, the programme
holds good for the newt bloke.

The newt bloke? Gussie?

The serpent Fink-Nottle.

But Gussie loves Madeline Bassett.

You can't all love this blasted Bassett.

lt astonishes me
how anybody could love her.

No, Fink-Nottle loves Angela
and she loves him.

Oh, that is absurd.

Absurd, is it?

Well, then, perhaps you'll explain to me
how she happens to be engaged to him.

Engaged?

Tuppy, you could knock me down
with an f. There must be some mistake.

There is.
The snake Fink-Nottle's just made it.

Ah, there you are.

Where are all the staff tonight?

They've gone over to the staff dance
at Kingham Manor.

So it appears that you've gone
and got engaged to the Gussie.

Quite right. We're in love.

(Sighs) Oh, come, now, Angela.

Gussie... Gussie's
a splendid chap in many ways.

lf you've got a sick newt on your hands,

Gussie'll know what to do
till the doctor comes.

Honestly, old thing, you could
fling bricks by the half hour

at England's most densely populated
districts without hitting a girl

willing to become Mrs Fink-Nottle
without a general anaesthetic.

- Well, l thought it would be fun.
- l'm surprised at you, young Angela.

No wonder they say,
''Oh, woman, woman!''

- Who do?
- Well, chaps, mostly.

You know you're potty about Tuppy.

For goodness sake, Bertie,
go away and boil your head.

Now, Angela,
if you'll permit me to observe...

No.

Very well, then. l shall say no more.

Just...tinkety tonk.

(Bertie) Jeeves, du yuu knuw
what's haPPened?

Mr Fink-Nottle has got himself
engaged to my cousin Angela.

Gentlemen who are
discounted by one young lady

are apt to attach themselves
without delay to another, sir.

lt is what is known as a gesture.
My Uncle George...

- Never mind your Uncle George.
- No, sir.

- Save him for the long winter evenings.
- Just as you say.

We'll concentrate on rescuing Gussie.
Go forth and scour the neighbourhood.

l don't think that will be necessary.

Mr Fink-Nottle is here.

(Clears throat)

Mr Fink-Nottle, sir.

(Bertie) Gussie?

- ls that door locked?
- Yes, sir.

Let me in, blast you!

(Banging)

- Open this door!
- (Whimpers) Jeeves, it's him!

What's going on?

Jeeves! Jeeves! (Whimpers)

(Tuppy) Are you in there?

What do you think you're doing?

Listen, if you don't open up, l'm going
to jolly well break this door down!

Wooster! Wooster!

Right!

Why was that door locked?

ls one to have no privacy, Glossop?

l instructed Jeeves
to shut the door because...

l was about to disrobe.

- There, you see?
- Thank you, sir.

- Thank you, Jeeves.
- But l heard his snaky little voice.

l intend to search this room
from end to end.

lf he is here, you'd better say goodbye
to him quickly and order your lilies.

What's in this cupboard?

Just clothes. The usual wardrobe
of an English gentleman.

You're lying.

Ha.

- Ha. Ha...
- (Creaking)

(Both yell)

Jeeves, this is all getting a bit thick.

Yes, sir.

Ah, hello, Aunt Dahlia.

Bertie, get me a drink.

Anything, so long as it's strong.

Approach Bertram along those lines
and you catch him at his best.

- Attila. That's the name. Attila the Hun.
- Eh?

l've been trying to think all through
dinner what it was you reminded me of.

Now, look, after everything l've done...

Angela tells me she's going
to get engaged to this Spink-Bottle.

Well, temporarily, yes.

So there it is.

My only daughter, for whom l had
dreamed of a wonderful golden future

is going to marry
an inebriated newt fancier.

Well, in my heart, l can't but agree that
things are not too ooga at the moment.

- Yes, Jeeves.
- A note for you, sir.

- From whom, Jeeves?
- From Miss Bassett, sir.

What does Madeline Bassett
want to write to me for?

Open the damned thing and see.

Ah!

- Ah!
- Will you stop that?

You don't understand. Madeline Bassett
says she's going to marry me.

Well, l hope it keeps fine for both of you.

l hope you won't take it amiss, sir,

but l've been giving some attention to
the amourtary entanglements at Brinkley.

lt seems to me that drastic measures
may be called for.

Oh, drastic away, Jeeves.

The prospect of being united for life
with a woman who talks about

''little baby bunnies'' fills me
with an unnamed dread.

Supposing, sir, that in the middle of
the night, the fire alarm bell were to ring.

Oh, not the fire alarm thing again,
Jeeves.

Yes, sir. As l see it, sir,
the occupants of the house

would suppose
that a conflagration had broken out.

Possibly, Jeeves. Possibly.

Whereupon, if l'm not mistaken,

Mr Glossop would hasten
to save Miss Angela,

while Mr Fink-Nottle would perform
the same office for Miss Bassett.

This is based on psychology,
is it, Jeeves?

Yes, sir. lt is thought to be the instinct
of everyone upon the alarm of fire

to save the object dearest to them.

There's a danger of seeing Tuppy
coming out with a steak-and-kidney pie,

but resume, Jeeves, resume.

Well, sir, the relations
between the two couples

could scarcely continue distant
after such an occurrence.

Mmm. Well, you may be right.

l just feel there's a great possibility
for a slip-up here, Jeeves.

However, l'm not in a position
to cavil at even a 100-1 shot.

At what hour would you
suggest bonging the bell?

- Not before midnight, sir.
- Shall l bong, or will you?

l think it would be better
coming from you, sir.

(Bell rings)

- No need to panic.
- l'm not, Father.

(All chatter)

l knew l could smell smoke.

- Well, Jeeves?
- Sir?

lt's no good saying ''sir''.
Look around you. See for yourself.

Your scheme has proved a bust.

lt would appear that matters have not
arranged themselves as we anticipated.

We, Jeeves?

As l had anticipated, sir.

l'm not blaming you, Jeeves, but after
this, forgive me if l hurt your feelings...

Certainly, sir. lf you'd pardon me
for interrupting you,

l fancy Mrs Travers is endeavouring
to attract your attention.

Just step this way a moment,
Attila, dear. lf you don't mind.

What ho, Auntie.

Well, Bertie, dear, here we all are.

Well, quite.

lt was you, dear child,
who rang the fire bell, was it not?

Erm... l did sort of ring it, yes.

Any particular reason?
l mean, did you want something,

or was it just a whim?

l thought there was a fire.

What gave you that impression, darling?
Tell Aunty Dahlia.

Well, l thought l saw flames. Erm...

The front door's shut. Somebody must
have shut it behind them and it's locked.

Then try another door.

- They're all locked.
- We could ring the door bell.

Who would you expect
to answer it, dear?

The servants have all gone
to the dance at Kingham

and Mr Seppings no doubt took
the key of the back door with him.

We can't stop out here
all blasted night, blast it.

lf Seppings has taken the back door key,

why doesn't one of us
take one of the cars,

drive over to Kingham
and get it from him?

That's the first sensible suggestion
l've heard all day.

lt's locked!

That's locked, too.

Well, that's absolutely wonderful!

They're all locked.

(Clears throat)

- Did you cough, Jeeves?
- Yes, madam.

ls it influenza or have you got an idea?

Well, forgive me, madam, but it did occur
to me that perhaps one of the gentlemen

might be disposed to bicycle
to Kingham Manor

and procure the back door key
from Mr Seppings.

- Jeeves, you are wonderful.
- Thank you, madam.

Attila!

l haven't ridden for years.

You'll soon get the knack
once you've taken a toss or two.

But it's miles to Kingham.

- Nine miles.
- And nine miles back.

(Aunt Dahlia) And nine miles back.

But it's dark. What if l barge into
something? l'll come a frightful cropper.

Good.

(Sighs) Very well, Aunt, so be it.

(Thunder)

Yes.

Oh, yes, l need to see Mr Seppings.

They're all up at the dance.

Er, yes, it is quite urgent, actually.

l can try and telephone him...

with the telephone.

Er, yes, if you would.

Why, Mr Wooster, sir.

Er, Seppings,
l need the key of the back door.

- Oh... l left it with Mr Jeeves.
- Jeeves?

He said he wanted a walk in the garden
before retiring for the night.

He was going to leave it on
the kitchen windowsill for me.

Mr Wooster!

(#Happy Days Are Here Again
plays on a gramophone)

(Laughter and chattering)

(Gramophone continues playing)

(Laughter)

Oh, look, he's back.

(All laugh uproariously)

What on earth is going on, Jeeves?

The house seemed positively awash
with joy and laughter.

- lt's gratifying, isn't it, sir?
- Oh, come, now, Jeeves.

l fear l've not been entirely frank
with you, regarding the fire bell, sir.

l never anticipated that it would of itself
produce the desired results.

l'd intended it merely as a preliminary

to what l might call
the main business of the evening.

You jibber, Jeeves.

Explain yourself.

lt occurred to me that were you, sir, to be
established as the person responsible

for the ladies and gentlemen being
forced to spend the night in the garden,

everybody would take so strong a dislike
to you that in this common antipathy,

they would sooner or later
come together

and such proved to be the case.

After your departure on the bicycle,

the various estranged parties agreed
so heartily in their abuse of you

that the ice was broken.

And when l informed the ladies
and gentlemen that l had found the key,

and it was borne in on them that you
were having that long ride for nothing,

there was a notable lessening of tension.

Oh, there was, was there?

Of course, rain was a bonus.

Of course.

As soon as the storm began,
their animosity vanished completely.

(Clears throat) Mr Glossop and Miss
Angela are once more betrothed, sir.

Oh? And what about Miss Bassett?
Do l still have to marry her?

No, sir. Miss Bassett is once more
safely affianced to Mr Fink-Nottle.

- Phew! Well, praise be, Jeeves.
- lndeed, sir.

Although, forgive me for saying so, your
methods are a little on the rough side.

Well, sir, one cannot make
an omelette without breaking eggs.

l say, an omelette. Erm...

- Do you think you could get me one?
- Certainly, sir.

Perhaps with
a little half bot of something.

Undoubtedly, sir.

Right ho, Jeeves.