Jeeves and Wooster (1990–1993): Season 2, Episode 4 - Chuffy (or, Jeeves in the Country) - full transcript

(Discordant trombone)

(Noise continues)

(Trombone continues)

- You know the trouble with a trombone?
- Sir?

After half an hour,
one's lips get incredibly numb.

Might it be wiser
not to persist with the instrument, sir?

Oh, nonsense, Jeeves.

l am only concerned with your health, sir.

The numbness of which you speak may
be a symptom of some deeper malady

brought on by overexertion
of the labial and maxillary muscles.

- My Uncle Ernest...
- Never mind your Uncle Ernest.



We Woosters have soldiered on
with much worse than numb lips.

l am sure that is so, sir.

(Doorbell)

- Mr Mangelhoffer, sir.
- (German accent) Good morning.

Ah, good morning, Mr Mangelhoffer.

Not behind with the rent, are we?

No, Mr Wooster, but l'm sorry to say
l had several complaints from tenants.

- Complaints? What about?
- Zat, Mr Wooster.

- This?
- Colonel Bustard in 5B

keeps asking me
if zis is what he fought for.

And Sir Everard
and Lady Blennerhassett say

zey are driven to distraction
by the infernal din.

- Did you say, ''infernal din''?
- l did.

Well, let me tell you, Mr Mangelhoffer,



that the man that hath no music
in himself is fit for...

Hang on a minute.

What did Shakespeare say that the man
that hadn't music in himself was fit for?

- Treasons, stratagems and spoils, sir.
- (Whispers)

Treasons, stratagems and spoils.

- What?
- That's what he's fit for.

The man that hath no music in himself.

Mr Wooster...l vill speak plainly.

Either you cease playing zat instrument

or you must leave.

Jeeves, unpleasantness has reared
its ugly head in the W1 postal district.

- Indeed, sir?
- Also an absence of neighbourly spirit.

Complaints have been
Iodged about my trombone.

- Good heavens, sir!
- Either l chuck playing it or leave.

Very well, then. We shall be well rid of
these Bustards and Blennerhassetts.

- l shall leave them without a pang.
- You are proposing to move, sir?

lt is my intention to retire to the depths
of the country for the summer.

There, in some
old-world sequestered nook,

l shall find a cottage
and resume my studies.

ln that case, sir,
l fear l must give my notice.

Jeeves, did l hear you correctly?

Yes, sir.

You would consider
Ieaving my entourage?

Only with the greatest reluctance, sir.

But if it is your intention
to continue with that instrument

within the confines
of a country cottage...

Jeeves, you say, ''that instrument''
in an unpleasant, soupy voice.

Do you dislike the trombone?

lt has been said, sir, that the trombone
is not an instrument for a gentlemen.

l rue the day when you first saw

Ben Bloom And His Sixteen Baltimore
Buddies at the Alhambra Theatre.

l see. And you are resolved to leave
if l continue to play it?

Yes, sir.

Well, then.

Leave, dash it.

Very good, sir.

- l know you own most of Devon, Chuffy.
- Not for long, l hope.

Chuffnell Hall is up for sale.

Good Lord.
The old homestead? But why?

l'm broke, Bertie. Completely and
utterly bought and sold and done for.

Came up third-class this morning.

Good Lord. But you still own the village?

- Yes, costs me a fortune.
- The reason l ask, Chuffy

is l want to take a cottage in the country.

Can you let me have one?

- l can give you a choice of half a dozen.
- That's wonde_ul.

We'll be able to see each other.
l could toodle over for lunch most days.

Yes. Thanks.

What does Jeeves say? Shouldn't have
thought he wanted to leave London.

Jeeves has nothing to say on this or
any subject. We have parted brass rags.

What?

From now on he will take the high road
and l the other one.

He told me that if l didn't give up
my trombone, he would resign.

Well, l accepted his portfolio.

- Well, well, well.
- You can push a Wooster just so far.

''Very good, Jeeves,'' l said.
''l shall watch your career with interest.''

- And that was that.
- Well, well, well.

Good Lord, look at the time.

Got to see my bank manager
at four o'clock.

Erm...

Any objection to my looking in on Jeeves
on the way, just to say goodbye?

No, none whatever.
Just follow the green line.

lt's a bad time of year for valets,
Mr Wooster.

- Really?
- Ah.

Duxbury.

Oh, no.

- Must be musical, you said.
- Hmm.

Duxbury left Lord Belsted's employ
when his Lordship got a kazoo

from a Christmas cracker.

The tootling was unbearable, he said.

Perhaps something has come in
this morning.

Yes, Mr Henberry?

Mr Wooster requires a new valet,
Miss Daly.

Has anything recently come in?

No, Mr Henberry. l'm sorry.

(Whispers) There is Mr Brinkley,
of course.

Brinkley. Of course.

Mr Wooster, you're in luck.

Oh, good.

(Doorbell)

l'm Brinkley, the new valet.

Mr Wooster likes to be wakened
at ten with tea.

Hmm. l'm sure he does.

Darjeeling in the mornings.

Earl Grey should he be at home
in the afternoon.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Evening wear, formal.
Evening wear, informal.

Tweed jackets.

Got enough clothes, hasn't he?

Very nearly.

Mr Wooster is most particular that
they be kept pressed, clean and mended

- at all times.
- l'm not a machine, you know.

l hope he realises that.

l was just about to depart, Mr Wooster.

Oh. Ah, right.

Your new man is here, sir.
l have been explaining his duties to him.

Excellent. Good.
Erm, all right, is he, Jeeves?

l think you may be surprised, sir.

Mr Brinkley!

Well, this is a sad day, Jeeves.

lndeed, it is, sir.

We shall meet at Philippi, l dare say.

No doubt, sir.

Ah, here is your new man, sir.

What ho, Brinkley. So, do you think
we're going to get along?

l dunno yet.

l will say goodbye now, sir.

Right, well, goodbye, Jeeves.

So, Jeeves has shown you everything?

- l told him l'm not a machine, you know.
- Machine?

Er, well, no, l didn't imagine...

We shall be going down to Devon
for a couple of weeks this afternoon.

- l hope that meets with your approval.
- Don't have any say, do l?

Yes, yes, l see what you mean.

- Let's get packed and hie us thither.
- (Tutting)

(Tuneless trombone)

(Honk)

(Honk)

Oi!

- Who are you?
- Seabury Pongleton.

My uncles says you're to come to lunch.

- Oh, and who is your uncle?
- Uncle Chuffy.

Oh, Chuffy! Well, well.

Er, shall we be lunching alone?

No, there's Mother and me
and some American people.

- Perhaps l'd better go and put on a suit.
- No.

- So you think l look all right?
- No, you look rotten, but there isn't time.

Can you give me five shillings?

- What do you mean, five shillings?
- l mean, five shillings.

Yes, but l want to know
how we got on to the subject.

We were having a nice, quiet drive

and you go and introduce
this five-shillings motif.

l want five shillings.

- For protection.
- What?

You won't get five shillings out of me.

- Hello, Bertie.
- What ho, Chuffy.

Your nephew
may have gone off his rocker, Chuffy.

He's been trying to touch me for five bob
and babbling on about protection.

He's been watching gangster films.
Collects protection money.

- What is today's youth coming to?
- (Door closing)

Here's his mother.
My sister, Myrtle Pongleton.

Myrtle, this is Bertie Wooster.
Seabury wanted five bob off him.

Oh, he means well, Mr Wooster.

He only takes from each
according to his means.

(Myrtle) Chuffy's found an American
he thinks he can sell the hall to.

He's also terribly in love
with his beautiful daughter.

Oh, never mind about that.

All l've got to do is get his signature
on the dotted line.

And that's what this lunch is for,
soften him up.

He wants to turn it into a hotel.

- It'll take millions, won't it?
- Well, that's what old Stoker's got.

- Stoker?
- Hello, hello, hello.

- What a dump!
- That's enough of that, boy.

Hello, Mr Stoker.

Dwight.

Miss Stoker.

You know my sister, Mrs Pongleton.

And this is my friend, Bertie Wooster.

Wooster!

Well, well, well!

Old Colonel Wooster in person!

Oh, well, you know...

Well, sir, this has certainly made my day,
you little blob of sunshine.

- Isn't he looking lovely, Father?
- Come away from that man.

That man is bad news.

(Myrtle) Let's all go into the house.

Come along, Dwight. l want you to meet
Seabury. You're going to be such pals.

This way, Mr Stoker.

Seabury!

l didn't know you knew these people.

Yes, l met them in New York,
just casually.

l thought Pauline's manner
was rather odd.

Really?
Well, that's the American way, you know.

l mean, she behaved
as if you were great friends.

No, no, no. She gets on like that
with everyone. Big-hearted.

Well, she does have
a delightful, generous

spontaneous, impulsive sort of nature.

- Absolutely, yes.
- And, erm, beautiful, too.

ls she?! Is she really?
Well, l hadn't noticed, Chuffy.

l think it might be best if l didn't join
the throng. Got a bit of a headache.

- Are you sure?
- Mmm.

- Well, l'd better go in.
- Right.

You must have been
surprised to see us, Bertie.

What? Oh, yes, yes.

More surprised than pleased, eh?

No. No, not at all.
One is tickled pink to see you

but l can't deny that when it comes
to seeing your father...

Oh, he's convinced
l'm still pining for you.

You don't mean that?

He thinks he's parted the young lovers

and has got to exercise vigilance
to keep them from getting together,

little knowing you were never happier
than when you got my letter.

Oh, dash it really.
l always esteemed you most highly.

There's just about 200 acres,
if you don't include the village.

Enough for a golf course, tennis courts,
swimming pool.

Oh, yes!

l've got three like this at home.

Give me five shillings.

- Why should l give you five shillings?
- Protection.

Tell me about Marmaduke.

- Marmaduke? l don't think l know him.
- Lord Chuffnell, idiot!

- Marmaduke. (Scoffs)
- It's a beautiful name.

Hello, hello, hello, hello!

What do you mean?

Well, no-one would say that Marmaduke
was a beautiful name without reason.

All right. Less of the Sherlock stuff.
l'm not trying to hide anything.

Uh-huh. And you love this...
excuse me...this Marmaduke?

l'm dippy about him, Bertie.

Don't you just worship the way his hair
sort of fluffs up at the back?

l have better things to do than go about
staring at the back of Chuffy's head!

The front's bad enough.

However,
be prepared for tidings of great joy.

l'm a pretty close observer
and a certain bulbous look in his eyes

when you were mentioned recently
convinces me he is dippy about you, too.

l know that, you chump!
Do you think a girl can't tell?

He's obviously crazy about me,
but not a yip from him.

l sometimes feel that he was a king in
Babylon when l was a Christian slave.

Really? Well, you know best of course.

- Doubtful, l would have said.
- You're a friend of his.

You could give him a hint.
Tell him there's no need for cold feet.

lt is not cold feet.

lt is a matter of delicacy.
We men have our code in these matters.

lt ill beseems us
to make a beeline for a girl

like a man charging into a railway
restaurant for a bowl of soup.

What nonsense! You asked me
to marry you after two weeks.

Ah, but there you were dealing with
one of the wild Woosters.

- It reminded me...
- (Jeeves) Excuse me.

Yes, Jeeves, what is it?

Jeeves?

You've come back!

Yes, well, Jeeves, er... you acted rashly,
but l shan't hold it against you.

- The new man Brinkley is not ideal.
- l beg your pardon, sir.

l came to tell you
that luncheon is served

and to say that Mr Stoker was enquiring
about Miss Stoker's whereabouts.

- Oh, Lord.
- Yes, but...

l am here in the capacity of
Lord Chuffnell's personal gentleman, sir.

You... You mean? l...
You're working for Chuffy?

Yes, sir. His Lordship engaged me after
you had informed him of my availability.

Good Lord, Jeeves.
A bit quick off the mark.

His Lordship was kind enough to say
that a good man is hard to find, sir.

That's true, God knows.

Look, l better push along before
my father starts getting suspicious.

Don't forget,
a little hint in a certain person's ear?

The matter shall receive
my promptest attention.

(Stoker) l wonder where that girl got to.

You don't suppose
she's with that Wooster, do you?

Oh! Bertie? No, no, shouldn't think so.

Oh, he's gone. Asked me to apologise.

- Erm, did she know him in New York?
- Yeah.

- She only got herself engaged to him.
- (Cough)

And if l ever see that degenerate
hanging around her again,

l will not be responsible for my actions!

You agree that something must be done
about the fifth baron, l take it.

- l beg your pardon, sir.
- Oh, come, come, Jeeves.

You know what l mean.
He's potty about her.

l am aware that his Lordship
is experiencing a sentiment

deeper and warmer
than ordinary friendship for her.

Yes, and she has confessed
to being dippy about him.

But she's upset, the poor fish.

She detects the love light in his eye,
but he doesn't do anything about it.

- A not uncommon dilemma, sir.
- What's it all about, Jeeves?

He loves her, she loves him,
so what's the snag?

His Lordship is
a gentleman of scruples sir.

He feels that, being of
straitened means himself,

he has not the right to propose to
a young lady as wealthy as Miss Stoker.

Oh, l see.
So unless old man Stoker buys the hall,

poor old Chuffy will continue to be
kid Lazarus, the man without a bean.

And yet why? Plenty of bust blokes
have married oofy girls.

His Lordship is a gentleman who feels
strongly on this particular point, sir.

There's only one thing for it.
Chuffy must be shoved over the brink.

- l do not quite follow you, sir.
- He needs a jolt.

lf he thought there was a danger
of some other bloke scooping her up,

wouldn't that make him forget
his silly ideas and charge ahead,

breathing fire through the nostrils?

Jealousy is undoubtedly
a powe_ul motivating energy, sir.

Do you know what
l'm going to do, Jeeves?

- No, sir.
- l'm going to kiss Miss Stoker.

And take care that Chuffy sees me do it.

- Really, sir, l could not...
- l have it all taped out.

After lunch,
l shall draw Miss Stoker aside

into the seat in the shrubbery.

You will arrange for Chuffy to follow.

When l see the whites of his eyes,
l shall fold her in an embrace.

lf that doesn't work, nothing will.

l consider that you would be
taking a decided risk, sir.

His Lordship
is in a highly emotional state.

No, Jeeves,
l desire no further discussion.

At 2:30, inform Miss Stoker that l would
like a word with her in the shrubbery.

At 2:31 , inform Lord Chuffnell
that she would like a word with him.

The rest, you can leave to me.

Very good, sir.

(Laughter)

And the propeller's
going to take about a week to repair,

so it looks like we're going to be stuck
in the little harbour.

What a damn nuisance for you.

Tell you what. Come on out to the
Gypsy Queen and l'll show you around.

Oh, your yacht? That would be very nice.

- l bet you've never been on a yacht.
- l have. l've been on trillions!

Hey, Dwight!

ls that a way to behave?

- Give me five shillings!
- l won't give you five shillings!

Don't run, Seabury, dear.
You might hurt yourself.

(lnaudible)

- Jeeves said you wanted to talk to me.
- Quite.

Er, let's sit on the bench, old thing.

Er, right.

Er...

That fellow Jeeves,
does he come with the house?

l'd sure like a fellow
like that to look after me.

- You haven't agreed on the house yet.
- Sure we have. You got yourself a deal.

- You're going to buy it?
- Absolutely.

Where's Pauline?

l don't know.

You sure that Wooster fellow has left?

Absolutely.

Pardon me, your Lordship,
but Miss Stoker was asking for you.

- She's in the shrubbery.
- l'll go.

- It was Lord Chuffnell she asked for, sir.
- Oh, nonsense!

Of course she'll wanna see
her old daddy.

Erm... dashed funny thing, love.

Did you bring me all the way out here
to tell me that?

Er, well...no. Erm...

Why did that child
demand ten shillings from me?

Oh, l wouldn't worry about that.

Right, this is it.

Oh, what are you doing?

- Bertie!
- (Stoker) Wooster!

Agghh!

What in Hades
do you think you're doing?

l think he's got a touch of the sun.

He'll have a touch of my boot
if he starts all this again.

- Look, l can explain.
- Pauline, go back to the house.

Er, you come, too, Daddy.

Let me tell you, Wooster,
one more stunt like this

and you'll find yourself
in need of serious repairs!

- Look, l wouldn't dream of...
- Enough, l say.

- No, all l was trying to do...
- Quiet!

Right.

So, all in all, not the most successful
of Bertram's stratagems.

- How do you mean?
- Well, it er...

- It didn't...work.
- Here he is now anyway.

- Stoker?
- No, your so-called Lord Chuffnell.

- l'm off.
- (Banging on door)

Ah, Chuffy. Enter, old sport.

Hello, Bertie.

Oh.

Something amiss, Chuffy?

Why didn't you tell me
you'd been engaged to Pauline Stoker?

What? Oh, now, look here, Chuffy...

The whole thing didn't last more than
48 hours from kickoff to final whistle

and since then, absolutely nothing.

- There's nothing between you now?
- Nothing whatever.

So, charge in, old man.

- The girl's absolutely potty about you.
- Who told you that?

Well, she did.

- And she really does love me?
- Passionately, l gather.

Oh. Well...

Well, l'm sorry if l seemed
a bit rattled for a moment.

You see, when a chap's just about
to get engaged to a girl,

it's rather a jar to find she was engaged
to someone else a few months before.

- So you've proposed to her, then?
- Not yet.

- But l'm going to.
- And what about the oof situation?

- The what?
- The oof. The dibs. The doh-ray-me.

- The happy cabbage. The oil of palms.
- Yes, l do speak English.

lt's all right.
Stoker's agreed to buy the hall!

Really?
Oh, well, Chuffy, that is good news.

(Chuffy) l'll pop the question tomorrow.

- We've been invited out to the yacht.
- Wonde_ul.

l hope you'll be very happy. Pauline's the
lightest girl l've ever been engaged to.

l wish you'd stop harping on
about that engagement.

Never lose sight of the fact that
the betrothal only lasted two days,

during both of which
l was in bed with a nasty cold.

She must have had a wonde_ul time.
What on earth made her accept you?

l once consulted a knowledgeable pal.

He said that the sight of me
hanging around like a loony ship

awoke the maternal instinct in woman.

There may be something in this.

l'd like to propose a toast.

Ladies and gentlemen,
to the Chuffnell Hall Hotel.

Chuffnell Hall Hotel.

This is just my room. There's loads more.

My uncle gave me a horse for Christmas.

We had a dance once,
in the main saloon. It's so big.

- Thousands of people dancing.
- Give me five shillings.

(Crashing and banging)

What in Hades was that?

(Boys shouting below)

Stop it!

Dwight!

- You horrible little boy!
- Hey!

(Punch) Give us a kissie.
(Judy) A kissie? All right.

Brrrrr!

- That was right on the end of my nose!
- (Punch gurgles with laughter)

You bend over.

That's the way to do it!

(Judy) Ooh, bye-bye.

(Punch) Bye-bye. 'At's the way...
(Ghost) Boo!

(Punch) Oh, dozy boo!
A boo-ey, boo-ey, boo-ey!

(Ghost) A boney, boney, boney.

- Oh!
- Aw, dear.

A boo-die, boo-die, boo-die, boo.

You boodie, boodie.

Boo! Ha-ha ha.
# That's the way to do it! #

l say, Jeeves.

- Good afternoon, sir.
- Is, er... something amiss?

The Chuffnells look like a French army
who've just got to Moscow

and discovered it's early-closing day.

The simile is an apt one, sir.

Go straight to your room and stay there,
you horrible little child!

- But he was only...
- To your room!

Upon witnessing the position of affairs,

Mrs Pongleton uttered a sharp cry
and struck Master Dwight

with considerable force
on the right ear, sir.

- Upon which, of course...
- Precisely, sir.

Mr Stoker,
espousing the cause of his son

aimed a powe_ul kick at Master Seabury.

- Oh, Jeeves, tell me he got him.
- Yes, sir.

- Oh, Jeeves. Have a prawn.
- Thank you. No, sir.

A heated altercation then broke out
between Mrs Pongleton and Mr Stoker.

She called on Lord Chuffnell for support

and he proceeded
to take Mr Stoker to task for the assault.

- And then?
- (Clears throat) High words ensued, sir.

The upshot being that Mr Stoker,
with considerable warmth

informed Lord Chuffnell
that if he supposed that he, Mr Stoker

intended to purchase Chuffnell Hall
after what had occurred, he was in error.

- Upon this...
- Get it over, Jeeves.

- l can see what's coming.
- Yes, sir.

l agree that the affair has
the dark inevitability of Greek tragedy.

His Lordship, l regret to say, became
somewhat unguarded in his speech.

- He ticked Stoker off.
- With considerable vigour, sir,

stating in an extremely candid manner

his opinion of the latter's character,
commercial probity

and even appearance.

Aah, that must have put the lid on it.

lt did create a coolness, sir.

Before this happened,

had Chuffy said anything to Stoker
about marrying Miss Stoker?

- No, sir.
- He'd have to do it by stealth now.

Even that will prove a little difficult.

Mr Stoker announced that he was not
permitting Miss Pauline to go ashore.

l thought he didn't know
about the engagement.

Mr Stoker's motive in immuring
Miss Stoker on the vessel

is not to prevent her
encountering his Lordship...

His exact words were, ''She's not getting
kissed by her imbecile friend again.''

(Sighing) Meaning me?

- It seems likely, sir.
- He said all this to Chuffy, you say?

- Yes, sir.
- About this imbecile friend?

Er, yes, sir. Lord Chuffnell appeared
somewhat put out by the information.

Oh. What did he say?

He mentioned something about
scooping out your insides, sir.

(Sighing)
What do you advise, Jeeves?

l can only suggest that should
His Lordship tax you with the matter,

try to persuade him that you embraced
Miss Stoker in a purely brotherly spirit.

Brotherly... brotherly, yes.

- Here, where is he?
- Who?

- Your master!
- Master?

l am going to kick him from here
to Nemon Ferrers and back again.

- Do what you like. l haven't seen him.
- Huh!

- (Door slamming)
- Oh, dear.

- Good afternoon, my Lord.
- You haven't seen a rather... Ah!

There he is.

Ah, Chuffy, old man.

- Skulking in here, eh?
- Skulking, old chap? No, far from it.

Oh, Jeeves told me all. Too bad, too bad.

l little thought when l bestowed
a brotherly kiss on Pauline Stoker

- at the news of your engagement...
- We weren't engaged then.

No, no, quite. l'm aware of that, Chuffy.
Your putative engagement, l meant.

No, l hadn't thought
of what trouble would come along.

What do you mean, brotherly?

Well...brotherly.

Well, Stoker didn't think it was brotherly.

We all know
what sort of mind Stoker's got.

Had you been there, you'd have seen
exactly how brotherly it was

and given it
the Chuffnell seal of approval, l'm sure.

Well...all right.

But, in future,
a little less of this fraternal stuff.

Just so.

Don't want to feel when l'm married,

that l might come into the room and find
a brother-and-sister act in progress.

You still intend to marry this Pauline,
then?

Well, of course l intend to marry her.

But what about the Chuffnell scruples?

lf old Stoker doesn't buy the hall, aren't
you back in the same position as before,

not able to marry the oofy girl
for lack of mazuma?

No, that's all changed. l was a fool.
What does money matter?

l mean...love's love.

Well, you never spoke a truer word,
old sport.

No, if l were you, l'd write her a letter,
embodying those views

- just so that she knows what the SP is.
- Bertie, l will.

What's more, Jeeves will take it to her,

thus removing any chance
of old Stoker intercepting it.

How will Jeeves get it to her?

Stoker wants to employ Jeeves.
Jeeves shall go to him.

Oh, l see. You mean...

operating under the Stoker banner,
Jeeves can come and go as he pleases.

Exactly. This certainly has
put the butter on the spinach.

l shall go and tell Jeeves at once.

l suppose she really does love me.

Oh, dash it, old chap. Didn't she say so?

lt just seems so dashed odd,
her letting you kiss her.

Ah, but she... she naturally divined
that the embrace was purely brotherly.

Yes. Yes! Brotherly.

Yes, of course.

(Clock chiming the hour)

- (Door opening)
- Ah, there you are, Jeeves.

Ready for the off?
l've nearly finished the letter.

l've stuck more or less
to what you suggested.

More or less, sir?

Well, some of it was a bit too...
oh, l don't know... soppy.

You'll pardon me for saying so, sir,

but soppiness is at the very heart
of the successful love letter.

Without sufficient soppiness,

the communication may be laid aside
by the recipient

to be read at some future date,
together with the gas bills, sir.

All l left out was that bit about

her name being twined round my heart
like roses round a cottage door.

Oh, pity, sir. An old favourite perhaps,

but it still has the capacity to move,
given the appropriate march of events.

- l just couldn't bring myself to it, Jeeves.
- Very good, sir.

And, er... l hope you'll be very happy
in your new employment.

Thank you, sir.

What time do you want dinner, then?

Dinner? About 8:30, l should think.
Thank you, Brinkley.

- Right.
- Oh, light the lamp for me, will you?

What? That thing?

Well, l suppose so.

l'm used to the electric, you know.

Brinkley, there's a curious smell.

Smell?

Ah, that's your meat pie.

Ah.

Er, Brinkley, look...
There's been a slight change of plan.

- l've just remembered my uncle's unwell.
- What uncle?

What? Erm...

Reginald, if you must know.

- Erm... so l think l'll just...
- What about your pie?

Oh, haven't got time for that.
Er, you help yourself.

l'm not eating that.

Ahoy, there, Gypsy Queen.

(Stoker) Who's there?

lt's Jeeves, sir.
Permission to come aboard.

Oh, come aboard, Jeeves.

So, tired of these English aristocrats,
eh, Jeeves?

- l wouldn't put it quite like that, sir.
- Galley. You got class. You know that?

Good of you to say so, sir.

- Who is it, Daddy?
- Guess what, honey.

- Jeeves has come to work for us.
- Good evening, miss.

- Both breasts, sir?
- And the legs.

(Jeeves.)

Oh, it's a wonde_ul letter, Jeeves.

l'm glad you enjoyed it, miss.

l didn't know Marmaduke had it in him.

What am l going to do, Jeeves?

Daddy won't let me go ashore.

lf l might make a suggestion, miss...

(Splashing)

(Crunch of glass)

Ahh!

- What are you doing here?
- Hello, Bertie.

But you're...
You're in my heliotrope pyjamas.

l know.

- Well, they suit you, l must say.
- Thank you.

- What on earth is this?
- It's my swimsuit.

- You swam ashore from the yacht?
- Yes.

- Why?
- You ought to be in some sort of home.

l am. My own. What l want to know
is what on Earth are you doing here.

What on earth did you want to kiss me
for in front of Father?

- l thought he was Chuffy.
- Marmaduke?

The idea was to let Chuffy observe
and get him keyed up to propose to you.

You know, there's a sort of
woolly-headed duckiness about you.

lf l wasn't so crazy about Marmaduke,
l could easily marry you.

No, no. No, no. Don't even dream of it.

lt's all right. l'm going
to marry Marmaduke.

Ah, well, now we come right back to it.

You swim ashore from the yacht, why?

You break a window and dump
yourself in my little home, why?

Cos l wanted some way to lie low
till l could get close, of course.

- l can't go to the hall in a swimsuit.
- You came ashore to get to Chuffy?

Your man Jeeves said
you'd be delighted to help.

- Oh, he did, did he?
- Bertie, you sound annoyed.

Well, l am annoyed.
A reputable boulevardier like myself,

whose licence has never
so much as been endorsed,

can scarcely be blamed for looking
askance at girls in heliotrope pyjamas.

You're making a fuss about nothing.
All l wanted...

(Banging)

- What was that?
- It's Chuffy.

- It's Father.
- Well... well, hide.

Best go downstairs.
They'll have seen the light.

Seen the light...

(Banging continues)

lf it's my father, be careful.

What do you mean be careful?

No, it's all right.
He probably won't have a gun.

Go on!

(Banging continues)

- Hello? Yes?
- It's Sergeant Voules, sir.

Er... frightfully sorry to keep you so long.
l was just...thinking of this and that.

Sort of reverie, if you know what l mean.

Are you aware, sir,
there's a window broke?

Constable Dobson here spotted it

and thought he'd best
wake me up to investigate.

Oh, the broken window.
Yes, yes. l know about that.

Probably, sir, a danger of marauders
getting through.

l thought l saw a marauder
get through, Uncle Ted.

What? You young muttonhead,
why didn't you tell me before?

l think we'd best search the house, sir.

Oh, no, no, Sergeant,
quite out of the question.

Oh, well, please yourself, sir.

That is shackling the police in their duty.
That's what you're doing.

- Shackling us.
- The marauders are probably lurking.

l give you my word.
There are no marauders. l'm sorry.

Come, Dennis. He's being obdurate.

- Who was it?
- The constabulary.

- Apparently they saw you getting in.
- What a lot of trouble l'm giving you.

No, no. Only too pleased.
l'd better be pushing along, then.

- l'm going to sleep in the potting shed.
- Isn't there a sofa downstairs?

There is. He brought it ashore
on Mount Ararat.

No, l'll be better off in the potting shed.
Don't worry.

We Woosters can rough it when it comes
to giving two fond hearts a leg up.

Jeeves, Miss Pauline's gone.

- Gone, sir?
- She's not in her room.

- She's not anywhere.
- Good heavens, sir.

You don't think that she could have
gone ashore to see that Mr Wooster, sir.

Wooster! Of course. l knew it.

Perhaps we should go ashore
to search for her, sir.

Good idea, Jeeves. Come on.

(Snores)

We thought he was talking strange,
my Lord.

He said he'd been in a reverie.

Then Constable Dobson sees him
going into the potting shed.

We know he's a friend of yours, my Lord.
We thought we'd best let you know.

What? What? What?

lt's all right. It's me.
Sergeant Voules is worried about you.

- Brought me along to have a look.
- Well, Sergeant Voules is an ass.

(Voules) Begging your pardon, sir,
l thought you was acting peculiar.

You must admit, it is a bit peculiar.
Sleeping out here, l mean.

Ah, yes, well, there was
a spider in my bedroom.

A spider, eh? Pink?

No, well, pinkish, with stripes.

lt's all right. He's simply as tight
as an owl. We'd better get him to bed.

No, no, no, no.

lt's all right, Bertie. We understand.

Sergeant Voules and l will come up
with you and kill the nasty old spider.

(Boing)

Come on!

- What happened?
- l think you tripped and fell, sir.

No, no, no, Chuffy! Don't open that door.

l know, Bertie. l know.
You'll soon be in beddy-byes now.

No, no. No, l...

Please, no. Ah...

- Oh, right.
- Right, sir, into beddy-byes.

Yes.

There, sir, that's killed the beastly spider.

l'm arresting you, my lad,
on suspicion of being a marauder.

- My lad?
- None of that now.

l work here. This is my home.

- Oh, God.
- Quick! Come out!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

(Sniffs)

The room downstairs is on fire.
Come on!

- l'm coming, my lord.
- Come on, sergeant.

Dennis, if you're down there,
fetch the fire brigade!

What in Hades is that?

lt appears to be a conflagration, sir.

Holy Moses. Come on, Jeeves.

- What's going on?
- It was him, the marauder.

- He knocked the lamp over.
- Look!

Help! Somebody help!

- That's my daughter!
- You swine!

- You devil!
- Ow!

(Chuffy) Pauline, darling!

l'm coming, darling! Hold on!

Hurry!

Arms round my neck.
That's it. Hold tight.

(Bell rings)

(Horn toots)

(Shouting)

Oh.

l blame you for this, Jeeves.

With respect, l merely intended Mr Stoker
to discover his daughter at your cottage.

So strongly does he disapprove of you
that l expected him to look more kindly

on Miss Stoker's engagement
to Lord Chuffnell.

The fact that His Lordship
should also discover her here,

and in mortal peril, was,
as the Americans say, ''pure gravy.''

Well done, sir.

Good morning, sir.

- Ow, Jeeves.
- Your tea, sir.

Oh, thank you, Jeeves.

- What sort of a day is it?
- Warm, sir.

A slight breeze from the southeast
and some high cirrocumulus to the west.

(Clears throat) l've taken the liberty of
preparing the car for the journey, sir.

Will you drive, or shall l?

Drive, Jeeves? Journey?

To London, sir.

Wait a minute.
Are you back with me, Jeeves?

lf that's agreeable to you, sir, yes.

,
Neither Mr Stoker, nor Lord Chuffnell

feel themselves quite able to measure up
to the required standard.

Well, well, well, well, well. London, eh?

The Drones for lunch, dinner at Quags.

lndeed, sir.

l imagine that you will not
be requiring this, sir.

Oh, Jeeves, what might have been.

- No, sir.
- No.

You're quite right.

Well, lead on, Jeeves. You can drive.