Ja'mie: Private School Girl (2013): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

Oh, my God, Immy,
did you get my message?

So the African guy that I read to,
Kwami, sent me a picture of his dick.

Oh, my God!

It was a pretty random thing to do.

- Hey, it's kind of chunky.
- I know.

It's actually quite hot for a dick,
I reck.

The Perfect Prefect Party
plans are underway.

It's called
the Perfect Prefect Party.

There'll be a Facebook event
up about it today so...

And everyone's invited, except
Asians and boarders. It's gonna be hectic.

Put your phone away.
You're on school grounds, OK?

I'll give you a Friday
if I see it again.

My dance solo
is coming along really well,

and I think I'm easily gonna get
the marks to get into uni.

- That was cray. It's totes adorbs.
- I could tell you were about to lose it.

Erin, the fat lesbian
boarder, thinks her dance is amazing.

But it's actually ridic.

Cool dance, Erin.
Really creative.


I don't want to arouse certain

Hi, I didn't think
you were going to come.

You didn't respond to my Facebook
message. I thought you hated me.

We were thinking of all going to the shops
and leaving you and Mitchell to chat.

- I did not plan that to happen.
- Yeah...

Mitchell and I got a bit of
solo time to get to know each other.

Go from non-flex to flex.
Oh, my God.

But my bitch of
a little sister ruined everything.

Fucking delete it, you stupid slut.

What on earth's going on
in here? Girls, stop.

OK, you, young man, go.

Mr Hayes said that
I need to be careful,

or I might not win
the Hillford Medal.

You do the right thing by us and
we can do the right thing by you,

but it comes down to you.

But I was about to do something
that would guarantee

that I'll definitely be
this year's Hillford Medallist.

- Your solo sucks.
- At least I wrote the song.

All you've got is a flat chest
and chin acne.

Where the fuck are they?

If they don't hurry up,
I'm gonna kill my parents so badly.

Stress less, bebs.
They'll be here in time.

Well, I think I've got a reason
to stress.

- Like, hurry the fuck up.
- I'm so excited.

- Don't worry, Ja'mie.
- Everyone in the hall...

If he doesn't turn up, then
the whole fucking thing's ruined.

Well, lately I've realised

that I've got a bit distracted
from my charity work.

It's kind of like the thing that
I'm known for around the school.

Like, helping other people.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Can't wait to see him.

You won't be able to see him

'cause there's tinted windows
and he's really black.

It's one of the important requirements
of the Hillford Medallist -

to demonstrate Christian values,
show compassion to others and stuff.

- Oh my God, he's...
- Hi, Kwami.

Hi, Kwami, it's me.

- Kwami!
- Hi.

Get in. I don't need it.
You're embarrassing me. Go away.

Hi, Kwami. How are you going?

- Oh my God, he's so cute, Ja'mie.
- Are you nervous about being here, Kwami?

You shouldn't be
because we'll look after you.

Welcome to Hillford, Kwami!
Does he understand what we're saying?

- Um, yeah, he kind of understands me.
- OK.

Are you just loving having
all the girls around you?

Yes, he is. He totally is.

So, what I thought I'd do was get an
actual povo African out of their community

and do something, like,
really compassionate for them.

So Kwami, the African guy
that I read to,

lives in this, like,
really crowded block of flats.

My wife, Jhyll, and I are agreeable
for everything.

There's plenty of room.
He is going to be very comfortable.

And at the moment,
he's sleeping on his aunty's couch,

'cause his family are waiting
for housing placement

and it's gonna take
two weeks or something.

And it's so trag.
Like, he's really hating it.

Good boy.

So, I live in a mansion, right?
And we've got heaps of space.

So, what I thought is,
why doesn't he come and live with me,

like, at our place for like a month
or something, like a charity thing?

Like, I know it's really random
but it's kind of Christian-y.

Say bye-bye.
Thank you very much.

When Jamie first told me she
wanted to bring a black African home,

I was very surprised.


But then she explained the terrible
conditions that he had to live in,

and I was very agreeable
to the idea.

She's an incredibly
compassionate girl.

And personally I got to know
a lot of blacks

while growing up as a kid
in South Africa.

Very decent people.
Great workers.

So, no, it will be good.

Are you OK, Kwami?

The assembly
is going to be so good.

- God, he can't stop smiling.
- This is so hectic.

- Like, I can't believe I've seen his dick.
- Shut up. He's right here.

Yeah, but he doesn't know
what 'dick' means, does he?

He might. I'll ask him.

Kwami, I showed the girls
the dick photo that you sent me.

Yeah, he totally knows...
He's loving it.

As if you wouldn't be loving it,
having us all around you.

As you well know, during my time
as a committed charity worker,

I have demonstrated compassion
to the less fortunate boys of the world

with my self-devised charity program
'A Boy In Need Is A Boy Indeed'.

The homeless,

the retarded,

the black, to name a few.

I spend time with them and I provide
a shoulder to cry on and an open heart.

I'm a really good listener.

My 'A Boy In Need Is A Boy Indeed'
program definitely demonstrates

the Christian values that should be a
part of all our lives as Hillford Girls.

I would now like to introduce to you
my latest project, Kwami.

This is Kwami. He's from Uganda.
It's in Africa. And he's really adorbs.

I've been spending time with him
and his community

in this really povo area
in the Western suburbs.

I've been like reading to him
and just chilling and stuff.

It's legit a seriously tragic

But that is all about to change,

'cause Kwami is coming to live with
me and my family in our massive house

while he's awaiting
housing placement.

It's gonna be insane.

I would now like Kwami to demonstrate
his incredible dancing ability.

I call him Jason Derulo.

Let him show you why.

Guys, should I text Mitchell
'cause it's Kelton recess?

And, like, we could get him to come
and meet us at the basketball court.

- Yes.
- Is that really random?

- No, no, no.
- That's fine.

- Have you been talking to him a lot?
- Um, like, not really,

but I've been stalking him
on Facebook and stuff, like.

- I've liked a few of his posts.
- That's cool.

There was this like shirtless
shot of him and I liked it

and I wrote 'quiche'
and then did a little winky face.

- Yes... Was it hot?
- So hot.

- Really?
- He's so hot.

Yeah, like, I don't wanna be, like,
a full slut at this early stage.

- You know what I mean?
- Defs.

Oh, my God, Kwami.

You have to tell me what you think
of Mitchell when you see him.

You've got to let me know if you think,
like, we'll work well together.

- He's so hot.
- Yeah...

- You're going to love him.
- Yeah, definitely.

So this is the oval and this is where
all the seniors hang out, except Asians.

And, like, all the little groups,
like, sit around and stuff.

What it is, is, like, basically the
hotter and more important you are,

the closer to the centre of the oval.
So, we're dead centre.

- Move!
- Why are they...

Out of our spot.
For fuck's sake...

So, what kind of girls are you into?

Like, would you go other races
or are you, like, strictly black?

'Cause I don't think...
We don't have any black girls here.

We've got a couple of Indian girls.

- Are you into Indian girls?
- I don't know.

I'm not really.
They're kind of weird and they smell.

Oh, my God,
see those girls over there?

That's Brianna's group
and they're my Year 11 friends.

I kind of... I phased them out
'cause they got fat.

Yeah, Ja'mie didn't fit in there
at all.

Oh, my God. See that really butch
girl over there?

That's Lauren and
she's a full legit lesbian.

Like, she's a boarder and all the
boarders are lesbians at this school.

- She tried to hit on us.
- It's really hevs.

- Hi, Sir.
- Morning, girls. How are we?


Kwami, I'm Mr Hayes, the Deputy
Principal here at Hillford.

Wonderful to have you here.

Jamie, once again congratulations
on the program.

- Really inspiring stuff.
- Thanks, Sir, I know.

I just love doing this kind of thing,
giving back to the community and stuff.

We really appreciate it.

Kwami, I hear you're staying
with the Kings whilst you're here?

You'll have a great time there,

He can't really understand English
that well.

He understands me because we've kind of
overcome the language barrier and stuff.

- Hi, Erin. How are you?
- Hi. Sorry to interrupt.

I just wanted to say congratulations
on the program, Ja'mie.

- The presentation was really cool.
- Thanks.

And, hi. Is it Kwami? I'm Erin.
Welcome to Hillford.

Yeah, I look forward to hearing
more about your country

and about all the hardships
and stuff.

OK, girls, I'll leave you to it.

Kwami, lovely to meet you. Have
a wonderful time whilst you're here.

- Girls, enjoy the rest of your day.
- Thanks, Sir.


Um, can you not talk to him because
he doesn't really understand you?

He only understands me.
So don't even bother.

OK, cool. I guess I'll just
see you in dance class, then.

Nice to meet you, Kwami.

- Bye.
- See ya.

What the actual fuck was that?

WTOMFG. That was so fucking random.
Oh, my God.

- We're not your friends, bitch.
- She is officially a fuckin' psycho!

It's, like, don't come up here just
because there's a black guy here.

It's like... go away. Seriously. 'I want
to find out more about your country.'

- Seriously...
- Get lost.

- What a fake bitch. Like, seriously.
- What a creep. That's creepy.

I can't even deal
with how random that was.

But, like, Ja'mie, come on, she is
nicer when she's not around Lauren.

No. She was only doing that
because Mr Hayes was here.

- Yeah, definitely.
- It's so embarrassing.

Like, I'm not your friend.
You're a fucking lesbian.

You're fat. Go away and stop trying
to fucking cash in on my African.

- Oh, my God.
- That was so cray.

Kwami, what did you think of that fat
girl that came up? Did you like her?

- Say 'No'.
- No.

See? Kwami only speaks the truth.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Mitchell's at the basketball court.

Let's go.

Kwami, you'll get to see
how quiche he is.

- Hi, Mitchell.
- Hi.

- Hi...
- Hi, girls.

- Have you been waiting for long?
- Nah. We just got here.

- Um, what are you doing?
- Nothin'.

Um. That guy is Kwami. The African
that's moving into my house.

That's Mitchell.

- What are you wearing to the party?
- That's such a random question.

Dunno. Do we have to dress up?

Um, no, just whatever looks hot.
I don't really care.

Oh, my God, you should totally
flash him your tits.

- I'm not a fuckin' skank.
- No, just do it. He'll love it.

Hey, do you want Ja'mie
to flash her tits?

Shut up!
Oh, my God. Fuckin' bitch.

Oh, he's texting, he's texting.

Oh, it goes.

Oh, my God.
He said 'yes' with a smiley face!

I'm so not doing it.

- I'm not doing it.
- Do it.

I'm not doing it.
I'm not a full sluzza.

- He's such a flirt.
- Maybe at the party, then.

- Ooohhhhh.
- We'll see. Maybe.

Anyway, we've gotta go to class,
so see you at the party, Mitchell.

- See you later.
- Bye.

- Oh, my God, he so wants you.
- Oh, my God! I'm freaking out right now.

Someone's gonna be hooking up
at the party.

So, Kwami,
welcome to the King mansion.

This is, like, the main living area.
Like, this is where we hang out mostly.

Um, 80-inch 3-D TV.

So if you want to watch something
in 3-D, let me know.

Glasses in the drawer.

Just relax. Sit anywhere you want.

Don't sit there or there
'cause that's me and Dad.

- Hi, Mrs King.
- Howzit, Cody?

I told you to have the food out
when we got home.

And what is that?
As if he's gonna eat that. Yuck.

- Epic fail.
- Well, some of us like them.

There's plenty of food for everyone.
So calm down, Jamie.

Get five Coke Zeros on a tray, in a
glass, in my room, in five minutes.

Has Courtney moved out of her room
yet or is she being a bitch?

- I don't know.
- Let's go upstairs, guys.

Kwami, this is your room.

It's actually my sister's room.
Chuck your bags down.

But it's gonna be yours
for, like, a month while you're here.

So settle in. Get out!

- Get out! Mum!
- I'm getting my books.

It's still my room. You don't have
to be a fucking bitch.

Well, don't fucking come in when
Kwami is in here, you fucking perve.

Um, anyway, so my room
is like just there so...

The bathroom's here so you might
see me like walking out in a towel

in my undies or something.

- You're totally gonna flash him.
- Shut up. Whoops.

Anyway, bitches,
we need to get ready.

Oh, my God. We've got a party on
tonight. You're totally invited.

I can't believe that Mitchell in a few
hours is going to be in your house.

Tonight's the night.
Shit's gonna get hectic.

How much is today
the best day of my life?

I can't even fuckin' deal.

I've got Mitchell coming to my house

and I've got an African guy
living in the room next door.

My life is so fucking random but
it's so fucking amazing right now.

- Best day ever.
- Let's get ready.

Let's get our crunk on, bitches!

Kwami, do you drink alcohol? 'Cause
you're totally drinking it tonight.

Let's get ready, guys.



Oh, these are cute.
Get back inside.

I got us some vodka.

Scull, scull, scull, scull,

- Is he coming over?
- Mitchell.

Get back inside!
Get out of the party.

Seriously, I told you,
it's a no-parent party.

Mandy's allowed because she's young.

- Get inside.
- I'm just handing out some food, Jamie.

I don't care.
Go and give it to the African.

Make him hand it out. Seriously.

You're embarrassing
the shit out of me.

Go, Ja'mie!

- Go, Ja'mie!
- Oh, my God, Ja'mie.

Mitchell is so fucking quiche.

- Seriously, look at him.
- I know.

He's a megababe.

I so reckon you're gonna hook up
with him tonight.

I know!
Seriously, how much am I going to?

- I know.
- I really want to.

It's like, I don't know, I just
really wanna to mack on with him.

- You're so horny for him, Ja'mie.
- Shut up...!

I know.
He just looks really quiche tonight.

- Yes, he does.
- And how quiche am I looking tonight?

- You look amazing.
- Seriously, I'm, like, smoking.

If you two get together tonight,

it's legit gonna be the most
incredible thing of the year.

Seriously, definitely.

Oh, my God, if it happens,

we should totally jump in the pool
with our clothes on.


Seriously, that is ridic but YOLO.
We should totally do that.

It'd be like a wet T-shirt
competition, like when we get out.

We're doing it. We're doing it.

Hands in if we're doing it.

We're doing it.

Um, do another round
and then you can eat yourself. Go.

Ja'mie. The boarders are here.
They're out the front.


- What the actual fuck?
- Where are they, though?

There is no fucking way
I am letting them in.

Seriously, this is not fucking
happening to me right now.

- Oh, my fucking God.
- The fucking dumb lesbians.

Seriously, fuck. Like, if they
try to get over the fence,

I'm gonna call the fucking cops.
I'm serious.

Go away, Lauren!
You're not fucking invited.

Why? The Facebook event
said 'All Year 12s'.

Um, yeah, everyone
except Asians and boarders.

It goes without fucking saying.

Well, that's really mean.
And racist.

Why the fuck would I would invite
you? I don't even like you.

Seriously, think about it. You don't
just fucking turn up at my house...

- You're such a fucking bitch, Ja'mie.
- You're a really nasty person.

You only think of yourself.

Whoa, someone's standing up
for themselves

for the first time
in their whole fucking life.

Seriously, I don't care what you say,
you fat lesbian, Erin.

Seriously, can you get them
to go away, please?

Fucking go back
to your farms, bitches.

Why would I want fat lesbian boarders
in my fucking house?

You know what, Ja'mie? Your dance
solo is actually really bad.

Miss said it's nowhere
near as good as mine.

So I wouldn't count on
getting the marks you need.

Seriously. What the fuck
would you know about dancing?

At least I'm not miming
fucking sandbagging.

Everyone's fucking laughing at you.
You look ridic.

And also, has anyone ever told you

dancers are not supposed to be
fucking fat?

You think she's ridic? Have you looked
in the mirror lately, horse-face?

You might want to consider plastic
surgery for that double chin.

- Fuck off, you fucking bitch.
- Whatever, you think you're so hot.

You go around talking about
how great you are all the time.

- I know I am.
- No, you're fat.

- You're fat yourself.
- Oh, am I?

- You call me fat?
- You're fat!

- Obviously, I'm fat. Guys, am I fat?
- Shut up.

- No!
- Yeah.

No, that's because your friends
are too scared to tell you.

I am not fucking fat!
You fucking bitch.

Go away or I'll get my dad
to fucking bash the shit out of you.

I fucking hate you!

- Oh, my God.
- Ja'mie, it's OK.

Why did she say I was fat?
I'm not!

- Seriously, am I fat?
- No.

You're certainly not fat.

- Why did she say that I was fat?
- Seriously, look at me. You're not fat!

- But she said that I was fat.
- Ja'mie.

Seriously, am I fat?
Do you think I'm fat?

Don't let it ruin
a good party. You'll be right.

- Then why did she fucking say it?
- It's alright, it's alright.

We'll sit over there.

Am I fat?

No, no, you're not. Sit down.

We'll go. Mitchell will
look after you. ILY.

- Don't believe the lesbians, Ja'mie.
- ILY.

- I love you guys.
- It's alright.

I said 'No boarders'.

Why would I fucking want them here?

I invited three Asians.
What more do I have to do?

- Now everyone's fucking staring at me.
- No, no, they're not staring.

'Cause I'm crying,
thinking I'm a fucking freak.

- They're not staring, right?
- They are.

No, they're not.
They're not staring at you.

Do you think I'm fat?

No. You're not fat.
You're not fat at all.

I like it when you put your arm
around me.

It makes me feel really good.

What are you doing?

Just changing my Facebook status.

This will make it Facebook official.

- What?
- Us...

You and me.
We just hooked up.

- Oh, my God. Seriously.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God!
- I can't believe it.

Seriously, could you guys see
from over there?

- Yeah!
- I'm so embarrassed. So awkies.

I knew you two
would end up hooking up.

Congrats, bebs.

Could you fully see us hooking up?

- Yes.
- Oh, my God.

Tonight is the best night of my life.

Guys, guys,
we should do the pool thing!


OK, I'll be back in a sec.

Oh, my God.
I'm going out with Mitchell!


Oh, my God.
I jumped in with my iPhone!

But I don't even care 'cause I'm going
out with the quichest guy in Year 10!

Come in.

Oh, my God! This is the best night
of my entire life.

Next time on
Ja'mie: Private School Girl.

Oh my God, he's calling me.
Hi, Mitchy.

Having a boyfriend is the best.
It's so good.


Are you nervous about
dance assessment?

I heard the judges are really lenient
towards girls with your body type.

The only person in my family
that understands me is Kwami.

Kwami, get to your own room.

I'm reading to him.
That's why he is in here.

Can you just fuck off, OK? I wish
I fucking drowned you as a child.

Have you guys checked Facebook
in like the last ten minutes?

Oh, my God. He's changed
his relationship status to "single".

Oh, my God.

- I so fucking loved him.
- Awww.

I've got fucking clinical depression,
you fucking idiot.

I stole my mum's antidepressants.
But they're not really working.