Ja'mie: Private School Girl (2013): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

If they don't hurry up,
I'm gonna kill my parents so badly.

Dad went and picked up Kwami,
the African guy...

Hey, Kwami!

My wife, Jhyll, and I are agreeable
for everything.


..and he came to live with us
for a month.

Don't sit there or there,
that's me and Dad.

As if he's gonna eat that. Yuck.

He's staying in my sister's room.

Get out! You don't
have to be a fucking bitch.

Well, don't fucking come in when
Kwami's in here, you fucking perve!

He had an awesome day
at Hillford.

What kind of girls are you into?

Would you go other races
or are you, like, strictly black?

Everyone was really excited
about the Perfect Prefect Party.

- Do you want Ja'mie to flash her tits?
- Shut up! Fucking bitch!

I'm not doing it.
I'm not a full sluzza.

And it ended up being the funnest
and most epic night ever.

Get back inside!
Get out of the party!

Seriously, I told you!
It's a no-parent party.

We had a few hiccups with
the boarders turning up uninvited.

The Facebook event
said all Year 12s.

Yeah, everyone except Asians and boarders.
It goes without fucking saying.

But I told them where to go.

Go away or I'll get my dad to fucking
bash the shit out of you!

- You are not fat...
- Oh, my God! I fucking hate you!

And the best news of all is that
I hooked up with Mitchell at the party.

And now we're officially going out.

I'm going out with Mitchell!

Season 1
"Episode 4"

Oh, my God. He's calling me.

Hi, Mitchy!

Oh, my God!



Oh, my God.
He's got the ball.

Show me how to do it.

I wanna perm your hair again.


Having a boyfriend is the best.
It's so good. I'm so into him.

I just can't stop thinking about him.

And, like, we're really compatible,
like, looks-wise. We're both quiche.

And I know it's only been, like, a week,
but I just... I just love him so much.

He's the best. Like, at the moment,
like, we finish each other's sentences.

I'll say something and we'll be like,
'Bla, bla, bla, ' at the same time.

It's so cute.

And you know what I love the most?
I love his face.

Like, his whole fucking face.

He's got, like, the bushy eyebrows
and the chin and...

It's such a cute face.

Oh, my God.
He gets these little salivary bits

on, like, the corners of his mouth
and I have to, like, wipe it off.

It's so cute. His nose is so...
Like, have a look at this photo.

Like, see that photo there?
See how his nose kind of goes up?

It's like...

It's like that. It's a little piggy
but it's kind of, like, quiche piggy.

Do you know what I mean?

You know what I love too?
His Facebook... Um, check this out.

'In a relationship
with Ja'mie King.'

Oh, my God!

Fucking love you so much.

That's shit cray.

Have you done
all your homework?

It's not a homework night.
It's study night.

Do you know what my favourite
body part of Mitchell is?

Have a guess.

His thighs. I fucking
love his thighs.

They're so fucking hot.

Like, I went to Westfield
the other day

and he was walking around
with his short shorts on.

And I was, like...
I was looking at his thighs

and I was, like, 'Oh! Oh, my God.'
Do you know what I mean?

It's, like, I was so aroused.

- Jamie.
- What?

Off the bed.

You should be studying,
not lazing around all afternoon.

Kwami, get to your own room.
No more visiting each other's rooms.

I'm reading to him.
That's why he's in here.

- I'm educating him.
- You can do that in the living room.

I'm not going
to the fucking living room.

- Courtney's in there. She smells.
- Not in here.

Kwami, get on Courtney's computer
and Skype me.

I'm gonna read to you over Skype.

- Um, Daddy...
- What?

Tomorrow, would it be cool if
Mitchell came to Bunnings with us?

No. Not tomorrow, darl.

- Pwease, Daddy? Jamie want him to.
- No.

Study. You need those marks
for uni, Jamie.

Stop being a hater.

We'll decide tomorrow, OK?

Um, last time I'm letting you
in my room.

I'm getting a lock on the door.

Kwami, get on Skype now.
I'm gonna read to you.

And no offence, Dad,
but you're a massive bastard.

Seriously, it's, like,
the worst day of my life.

Like, I would happily kill myself.

Oh, my God. Guys,
did Olivia tell you?

The most fucked-up thing
happened this morning.

- You're gonna die.
- Seriously, like, I can't even deal.

- I actually wanna kill myself right now.
- Tell me everything.

Um, OK, so I'm at the Kelton gates
saying goodbye to Mitchell,

and I farted.

- Oh, my God. That's hec.
- Yeah.

- Fully loud?
- Yeah, like, right in front of him.

- Yeah, he totally heard it.
- Are you sure? Do the sound.

- I'm not doing the sound.
- Do the sound.

I'm not doing it.
Guys, it's not funny.

- You have to do the sound.
- It's not funny.

- Seriously, it was humiliating.
- Just try. Just do it. Come on.

Alright. It was kind of like...

- It was kinda like...
- Shut up!

- It's not funny!
- It's pretty funny.

It was sort of more muffled than that.

- And he kind of, like, just ignored it.
- Did he hear it?

Yeah, we both pretended
it didn't happen, though.

Like, he so obvs heard it.

Seriously, I wanna kill myself
right now.

Ja'mie, no, you don't.
It's probably not even that bad.

- I do.
- He probably didn't even hear it.

It's disgusting. Seriously, and
it's so random 'cause I never even fart.

Yes, you do.
You totally fart all the time.

- Shut up. I'm not talking to you.
- You seriously do it all night.

- You fart a lot.
- Fuck off. I'm not talking to you.

I'm not kidding. It's so loud,
I can hear it from my bedroom.

Can you just fuck off, OK? I wish
I fucking drowned you as a child.

- Let's get straight into it, please.
- Hi, Miss.

Positions, everyone.

- Jamie, we're gonna go from verse two.
- OK, cool.

Girls, that means sopranos, altos
and entry at bar 25.

Now, remember, it's only a few weeks
until Presentation Day

so we want this to sound
really incredible.

And because it's our centenary year,
this is the big one.

♪ As I look back on my education

♪ And all that I have learned

♪ Get a glimpse
of my life destination

♪ And fly up like a bird

♪ The girl that's grown in many ways

♪ The things that I have learned

♪ Hillford sets my spirit free

♪ A woman I will be

♪ 'Cause I'm learning to be me... ♪

So are you guys nervous
about dance assessment?

Nah, not really.
I'm so prepared so...

Are your mum and dad coming?
Mine are.

Uh, yeah, Mum, Dad and Kwami
are coming.

And Mitchell's gonna come
after rugby.

I'm so nervous about him
watching me dance, though.

Oh, don't even worry, Ja'mie, you're
the best dancer in Year 12. Legit.

- Yeah, I know I am.
- Oh, my God. Look.

Erin and Lauren are totally faking
that they can't see us.

How much are they
still not over the party?

How much am I not over
her calling me fat?

Erin, hi.

Are you nervous
about dance assessment?

- No.
- You shouldn't be.

'Cause I heard the judges are really
lenient towards girls with your body type.

It's kind of like a handicap thing,
so you should be alright.

We don't like you, Ja'mie.
Why would we wanna talk to you?

I'm not talking to you, lezlord.

Why don't you go lick your own
vagina? You love doing it so much.

'Cause I wouldn't wanna turn you on.

Um, you wouldn't 'cause I've got a
boyfriend. I'm straight, unlike you.

I like guys.

Oh my God, she seriously
has a mental problem.

- She needs to go on medication.
- I know.

And get a decent haircut. I'm sick
of looking at her stupid hair.

What? We were supposed to
have them finished by this week?

- It's OK, this took me no time.
- Really?

That book was so easy to read.
I read it in, like, two hours.

- Ja'mie. Ja'mie. Oh, my God.
- What?

- I'm so glad I found you.
- What happened?

Have you guys checked Facebook
in the last ten minutes?

- No, why?
- Oh, my God.

I'm literally freaking out
right now.

I was looking at Mitchell's page
and he changed his status to,

'At Westfield with the amazing
Madison Cartwright.

Best way to spend a free period.'

- What the fuck?
- I know.

I saw her this morning and she did not
tell me she was going there with him.

- Sneaky little fucking bitch.
- I know.

Why would he be with Madison
at Westfield?

That makes no fucking sense.
I'm, like, spinning out right now.

- What's she doing? Do they even talk?
- I didn't even know...

Fuck. I'm gonna check his Facebook.
I am literally freaking out right now.

I know.


Oh, my God! He's changed
his relationship status to single.

- What?!
- It's Mitchell's Facebook.

It's not you, Ja'mie.
He's the bastard in this situation.

- Madison is an idiot for doing this.
- Oh my God...

Do you think it was the fart?

Why would he be with Madison
at Westfield? That's fucked up.

Madison's got Ancient
in 1-1 right now.

We should go down
and ask what the fuck's going on.

I don't care what her fucking
excuse is. She's gonna get slapped.

Miss, all the Prefects have got
an urgent meeting. We have to go.

Yes, girls, that's fine.


Sir, Madison Cartwright needs
to see Ms Welham immediately.

Thanks, Jamie.
Madison, off you go.

- What...
- Get outside.

Get out.


Did you go in your free with Mitchell
to the fucking Westfield?

Yeah. Why is that a problem?

It's a problem 'cause
he's my fucking boyfriend.

He told me that you guys
were never really together.

- That's bullshit.
- Are you fucking serious?!

Ja'mie, did you really think
that you were officially going out?

- 'Cause you weren't.
- Of course they were!

I'm not even joking. I was with him 24/7.
How is that not going out?

Just calm down. Listen to me.

He told me you guys are really
good mates, but that was it.

And you know
that I've always liked him.

What are you saying?
I'm his fucking girlfriend.


If he was really your boyfriend then
why was he hooking up with other girls?

He wasn't.

He hooked up with Tash Morowski
from Monte the other week.

What about the Prefect promise?
We're supposed to stick together!

As School Captain,
I'm taking your Prefect badge.

- You're no longer a Prefect.
- Fuck off!

I fucking hate you!

Because of you, he's gone and changed
his relationship status to single.

- Seriously, chill, Ja'mie!
- Don't fucking tell me to chill!

- Did you even have sex with him?
- Yes.

Well, you're lying
'cause he told me that you didn't.

You're lying!

- Well, he fingered me so same diff.
- Well, that's not what he told me.

He said that youse tried, like, five
times, but every time, you freaked out.

- Stop lying, Madison.
- I'm not lying.

- Have you kissed him?
- Yeah.

- What?!
- Oh, you fucking...

- Get her, Ja'mie!
- Fucking hit her!

Don't pull my hair extensions out.
They were two fucking grand!

- I fucking hate you!
- Fucking slut!

You're a fucking slut!

Maybe you shouldn't have
farted in his face this morning.

He told me about it.
It's disgusting, Ja'mie!

I fucking hate you!

He's my boyfriend and you're
supposed to be my best friend!

No offence, but you were kidding
yourself from the start, Ja'mie.

He and his mates were
laughing about you the whole time.

I can't believe
you didn't even realise.

You go around saying
how quiche you are.

But I'm just being honest.
You're not that quiche, Ja'mie!

Oi! What's going on?
Get off her!

Jamie! Jamie King, back here now!

- Are you alright? OK?
- Yeah, I'm alright.

- Oh, my God.
- He's coming, Ja'mie.

Love you guys.

- Stay strong.
- We love you, Ja'mie.

- What?
- Hi. Um...

Did you kiss Madison?


I didn't think
we were exclusive.

Is it 'cause I'm fat?


- Oh, my God.
- It's OK.

I asked him if I was fat
and he didn't...

You are not fat.
Don't even think like that, Ja'mie.

I fucking loved him!

Jamie, it's your turn.

Ja'mie King,
student number 263387.

OK, Erin, it's your turn.

- Well done.
- You did very well.

- Hello, darling.
- Hi, Mrs King. How is she?

She's OK, sweetheart.
I'll come and get you.


Hi, Ja'mie.

It's Cody.

Are you feeling any better?

Sweetie, come on,
come out and talk to Cody.


The last few days have
literally been the worst days

of my whole entire 17 years
of my life.

Like, seriously, I'm so devo,
it's not even funny.

I've had three days off school.

And my mum had to buy,
like, a bulk amount of tissues

'cause I've been crying so much.

- Wanna take the box?
- Yep.

Life's just not worth living anymore,
do you know what I mean?

My mum and dad reckon
I've got the black dog.

Which is, like...

Like, every time
I think of something happy,

I just, like,
turn it into a black dog.

Like, that's just me
looking at the wall,

and I can't even look at the wall
without thinking sad things.

And I've had
a few suicide attempts.

- Um, can you pass me my Marie Claire?
- Yeah, sure.

I wanna show you this dress.

Give me it! I've got fucking clinical
depression, you fucking idiot.

Jokes, bebs. Chill.

Mum's been, like,
hiding all the stuff in my room.

Like, trying to hide anything
I might be able to kill myself with.

Like, any sharp stuff like pens and,
like, um... Well, it's all gone so...

Like my tweezers and my
hair straighteners and stuff.

Mum took that 'cause she thought
I might, like, burn myself to death.

- I would go, like, a strapless one.
- Definitely. I was thinking that.

That's really flattering
on shoulders like mine.

But you know what I was thinking?

Like you can hide all the stuff
you like, Mum and Dad, but,

like, I could, for example,
put my head through that window

and, like, slam the window down on
my head and, like, chop my head off

if I wanted to kill myself.

You can't control what I wanna do.
If I wanna die, I'm gonna die.

Get out!

Get out of my room!

Jamie, while I'm here,
could I please grab my Pilates DVD?

No! Stop asking me for it!
I'm sick of it.

Alright, if you don't fucking
come in my room again.

- Take it!
- Thank you.

My mum is being such a bitch.

She doesn't even understand
what I'm going through.

I stole my mum's antidepressants.

I've been trying them out,
but they're not really working.

Baby, do you want a cookie?

Do you want any Coke too?

The only person in my family
that understands me is Kwami.

He really gets me.

Kwami's here.
He's gonna make you feel better.

Hi, Kwami.

You know, I just have to
look at Kwami and I cry

and he puts his arm around me
and he just makes me feel better.

He's got these really long arms
and he's so warm and... I love him.


So you know it's legit now?

- They're, like, officially going out.
- I know.

Madison and Mitchell.

I don't fucking care.
They can have each other.

They're both backstabbing fuckheads.

Are you still gonna let her
come to Bali for schoolies?

As if I would fucking let her come.
No fucking way.

Yeah, awkies. It'll still be fun
just with us, though.

No, it's gonna be awesome.

The thing that I'm most pissed off
about is, like, dance assessment.

It's, like, 'cause she fucked me up.

And now I'm not gonna get
my ATAR of 99.

- And Dad's not gonna get me the BMW.
- That sucks...

And my life might as well
be fucking over.

Well, I don't know, you could still
get into TAFE or something.

- I hope you're fucking kidding.
- Jokes, bebs. Chill.

Also, that fucking heifer's dance
was painful.

- I know.
- Fat people should not dance.

- I know.
- It should be, like, a school rule.

I seriously can't even deal with how
fat her arse looked in that bodysuit.

- It's like, gross! Was like...
- So fucking fat. I know.

- Hey, Kwami.
- Hey, Kwams.

We're just talking about
the whole Mitchell thing.

- Mitchell's an idiot.
- I know.

That guy is seriously
the biggest douche in Sydney.

He's a fucking wanklord.

I'm so glad you didn't let him
fuck you, though.

- Uh, he fingered me.
- I thought you said you made that up.

No, he totally fingered me.
It was, like...

He did it a few times.
It was really good.

Anyway, you are so much better
than him, Ja'mie.

So when do you reckon
you're gonna come back to school?

Well, I've got flute assessment
tomorrow so I've gotta go back,

but it's gonna suck 'cause everyone's
gonna be staring at me.

It's gonna be like the worst day
of my life.

No, they're not. No-one's
gonna care about it.

They fucking will. Olivia told me
that like everyone in the whole school

for the last three days has
been talking about it.

Like I'm gonna walk in through
the front fucking gates

and everyone's gonna go,
'There's that fat fucking loser

who can't even keep a boyfriend.'

Ja'mie, just don't give them
the chance. Rock up full confidence.

Like, strut your stuff.

I don't know. You need to like make them
think that you don't even give a shit.

Like, fully reinvent yourself
or something.

That could actually be really cool.
Like, full makeover.

Like, I go back but it's like...

I'm, like, a rebel.
Like, I don't even...

Like, I don't even give a shit
what anyone thinks.

Rebel Ja'mie. Oh, my God.
This could be amazeballs.

- Oh, my God!
- I could totally do your makeup.

- Yes!
- Oh, my God. You can do my make...

We'll do hair extensions and a full really
dark fake tan and, like, slut socks.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, my God. Hoop ear...

- Oh, my God.
- Fully break the school rules.

Come on. I'm totally
gonna style you.

- These babies.
- Yeah, yeah, the hoops.

- Definitely rock those. Hang on. OK.
- Oh, my God.

- We'll have to do something here, so...
- I've got a fucking sewing machine.

- Yes!
- Can you do it?

What do you reckon about that?
I can easily do it.

Yes, pull in the sleeves
and then do full open. Tits.

I can wear, like, full slut socks.

Oh, my God!
This is gonna be good!

- I seriously cannot wait till Monday!
- It'll be so good.

Kwami, I'm gonna go back on Monday
and have, like, a full slut outfit.

- Oh, my God!
- It's gonna be so good.

Just strutting in.
I'm a fucking rebel.

- Fuck you all!
- Oh, my God. Fuck yeah!

I can't fucking wait till Monday!

She's back and she's
a motherfucking rebel.

- Yay! Yay!
- I can't wait till Monday!

Yay! Oh, my God!

- Yay for going back to school.
- Oh, my God.

Tomorrow's gonna be the best day
of my whole fucking life!

Oh, my God, Kwami.
It's gonna be so cool.

- I'm so excited!
- Yay!

Next time on
Ja'mie: Private School Girl.

- I just love being a rebel.
- Oh, my God. Mr Hayes is gonna kill you.

Um, do I look like I care?

Let Muck-Up Day begin!

- Quick, get 'em!
- Oh, my God!

Sucked in, Year 7!

Obvs, it's never gonna work out.
You are really povo and you're black.

And I am...

- Hey, is Ja'mie there?
- Hi.

- Hey, check your phone.
- Oh, my God. It's a dick pic.

Sorry to be the one to tell you, but
your boyfriend just sent me a dick pic.

Oh, my God.
Yep, that's definitely his dick.

He also said that you smell, which
I didn't really wanna say but...

- So why is your dad here?
- My dad's here?

You've got your chest out
on Facebook, Jamie.

I can't even look at you right now.

- Such a stupid, fucking little bitch.
- Shut up!

Will you cease using this

We're only here because
she broke into my Facebook.

Your tits are out
and you're singing the school song.

I love you, bebs,
but you're a freak.

If you don't give me
the Hillford Medal,

I might be forced to put that video
online for everyone to see.

It's really good news,
isn't it, Ja'mie?

I wouldn't be so sure
if I was you, bitches.