Ja'mie: Private School Girl (2013): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

It's my last three months at Hillford
Girls before I finish school forever.

- I love you so fucking much!
- You're my best friend.

And it looks like I'm gonna win
the prestigious Hillford Medal

for demonstrating Christian values
and being good at everything.

I love it here!

Mr Hayes busted me and my Prefects
for making our dance too sexual.

There is to be no undergarments seen
at any time, OK?

Those dance moves aren't OK
for things like schoolies.

- Go fucking fist yourself.
- Alright, horse face, I will.

And the lesbian boarders were being
fucking little bitches as usual.

Fuckin' slut! You've got a Friday,
by the way. I'm writing it up!

My gay best friend, Cody,
tipped me off

about a hot new boy
that's just started at Kelton.

Fuck my life...
He's so fucking quiche!

I'm Ja'mie.

But my bitch of a mother
ruined everything.

I told you fucking 3:10,
not 3:0 fucking 7.

I know how to text and drive.
I'm not a fucking idiot.

We had a sleepover

and then Dad said that he was OK for us
to host a massive party at my house.

So I'm going to invite Mitchell.

- Oh, my God. So we can do it?
- Yes, OK.

I can't even deal with how excited I am
about everything in my life right now.

I love you so...
It's gonna be so fucking cool!

Oh, my God.
Immy, did you get my message?

Seriously, guys,
I have the most hectic news.

I can't even deal
with how random this is.

- What is it?
- OK, game-changer, guys.

You're making me nervous.
What's going on?

- You know Kwami, the African...
- Yeah.

That I read to?
Last night, he sends me a dick pic.


- Seriously. I'll show you.
- Show me. Show me.

Oh, my God!
Is it hard?

'Is it hard?'
Can you not tell the difference?

- That's so cray. It's kind of chunky.
- I know!

It's actually quite hot for a dick,
I reck.

Why does it bend like that?
That's so weird.

Yeah. And it's so much pinker
than I thought it would be.

I thought it was gonna be, like,
really black.

'Cause his face is black, but it's
weird that, like, that would be pink.

- Oh, my God, it's so big, Ja'mie.
- It's definitely his dick, though.

It's really awkies 'cause I feel like
I should send him a tit photo but...

- It's, like, protocol but it's, like...
- Yeah, gotta send something.

I know. I don't want him to see
how small my tits are.

- Why do you care? Do you like him?
- No.

- Oh, you so do!
- I don't like him.

- Whoo!
- He's African! I don't like him.

- You're blushing.
- I'm not blushing.

I'm just, like... It's, like, FML.
I don't know what to do.

- What should I do?
- Have you sent anything back?

I sent back a message. I sent some
blushing-face emoticons and stuff.

- Like, a winky one.
- Yeah. That's good.

He'll probably just be jerking off,
knowing that you've seen it.

Seriously, how cute
would our babies be, though?

But then I'd have to have sex with him,
and he's got that... really weird dick.

Like, it's quiche,
but it's, like, kind of long.

- Morning, girls.
- Hi, sir. How are you, sir?

- Really good, thanks, Jamie.
- How you going?

Great, Jamie, and I'm very excited
about this afternoon's rehearsal.

- Are you coming to choir practice?
- Yes, I am.

Miss told us.
Guys, Sir's coming to choir.

It's gonna be really cool
having you there.

You're gonna love it so much.
Seriously, sir.

I've got a solo at the beginning.
I sound amazing.

- Like, I'm not even joking.
- Great, great. I look forward to it.

That's a really cool suit, sir.
Is that new?

- Actually, it is. Well spotted.
- I love it.

It's, like, really kind of slimming
on you.

Thank you. You need to mix them up
every now and then.

Yeah. Good choice.
Is that Italian cotton? Or what is it?

I don't know. I just wear them
when the wife buys them.

- Anyway, girls, have a good day. Bye.
- Bye! See you, sir.

You're bad!

He totally gets off on talking to me.
I'm giving him what he wants.

You're disgusting.
Mr Hayes is so chat!

The way you were stroking his suit, he
probably cracked a fat and had to leave.

He's only human.

You're so fucking quiche.

I know I'm quiche, babes.
Don't be jel. It doesn't suit you.

Well, anyway,
we heard about the party.

Oh, my God. Seriously, I cannot even
deal with how good the party's gonna be.

- Ja'mie, you have the best party house.
- I know! The pool and everything.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna get crashy as.

And we invited the hot Year 10 boys,

like Josh McLaughlin
and Mitchell, the new guy.

- Mitchell!
- Oh, my God!

Seriously, right now, I am shipping
me and Mitchell so badly.

Did you guys see he friended me
on Facebook?

- Yeah.
- Are you kidding?

- I was looking at his photos.
- He's so hot.

- Did you look at the Bali ones?
- Yeah.

- Fuck, he seriously is the hottest guy.
- So jealous of you.

He's kind of, like, sporty,
but he's also a little bit pretty boy.


And his eyebrows.
Oh, fuck, they're so hot.

- And his abs.
- He friended you. I'm so jealous.

I know. Seriously, him and me
is, like, the future.

- The perfect couple.
- Could happen. Could happen at the party.

But seriously, have you guys heard
what I'm calling the party?

I'm calling it
the Perfect Prefect Party.

- 'Cause it's, like, PPP, so it's...
- No, that's cute.

And it's us and we're perfect.

We should totally make
a Facey event for it.


And have, like, a group photo
of us on it.

We should totally take a photo
today somewhere. A full selfie.

Like, not even a selfie.

Get some random to take it of all
of us and put it on as the cover thing.

- The cover photo.
- Oh, my God.

Yeah, 'cause my hair's looking really
good. Is my T-zone shiny?

Let me see. No, you're fine.

Oh, my God.
I should totes do an announcement.

- Yeah.
- Guys!

Excuse me, all of Year 12,
there's a party at my house on Friday.

It's called the Perfect Prefect Party.

There's gonna be a Facebook event
up about it today.

So you're all invited.
See you Friday.

- Ja'mie, we have to go.
- Oh, my God. I love you guys.

- Love you. Mwah, mwah!
- Love you. See you at recess.

I love you so much. Seriously,
Morgan, I fucking love you.

I fucking love you, too, Ja'mie.
We're gonna miss you so much.

- Love you both.
- Bye, guys.

- Seriously. ILY!
- I'll text you if anything happens.

Ja'mie, are we inviting everyone
to the party?

Um, well, everyone except Asians
and boarders, obviously.

What about Asians like Rachel Lew
and that?

- Rachel can come. She's hot as.
- Yeah, she's so quiche.

- I don't even think of her as Asian.
- Yeah, she's not even.

Put your phone away.
You're on school grounds, OK?

I'll give you a Friday
if I see it again.

In your locker.

I love dance.
It's, like, the best subject ever.

It's, like, I love my class so much

'cause, like, my besties
Olivia and Madison are in it

and my GB, Cody, is in it -
my gay bestie.

'Cause he's, like... He wanted to do
it at Kelton but he can't do it there

so we let him do it here,
which is so cute.

My dance solo is such a big deal.

It's worth, like, 50%
of my overall dance mark.

So I'm focusing
a lot of attention on it.

So, like, I'm aiming for an ATAR of 99

'cause I wanna get into PR at uni next
year and do, like, events and stuff.

Well, not next year 'cause I'm
taking my gap year next year.

I'm gonna do aid work in Africa.

It's really, like, bad over there
and stuff... Um, yeah.

So, like, the other thing I wanna do
is modelling next year,

like, focus on modelling and, um...

And because I'll be in Africa,

like, I'm thinking, like, I probably
won't be eating much food

so, like, if I do
the portfolio photoshoot,

I'll probably be looking
really hot.

The theme of my dance solo
is aid work in Africa.

So it's, like, about all the kind of
bad stuff I'm gonna see

and me, like, stopping child slavery

and just healing people
and stuff like that.

The other theme of my dance solo

is, like, the turmoil of, like,
wanting to do modelling

as well as my charity stuff,
do you know what I mean?

So, like, the kind of anguish
going on in my head

about, you know,
'What do I choose?'

And I just express that turmoil
through dance.

And they're choosing the best dance
soloist to perform at Presentation Day

in front of the whole school.

And it's the centenary Presentation
Day so really big deal.

So good, Ja'mie, I was almost
crying. It's totes adorbs.

I could tell you were about
to lose it.

You're such an amazing dancer.
I'm in shock.

You're gonna be doing that
at Presentation Day.

- I'm gonna be bawling.
- Love you so fucking much, Babes.

- Oh, my God. How ridic is this gonna be?
- It's gonna be so ridic.

Erin Walker is this boarder

and she is seriously - no offence -
such a dumb bitch.

She's pretty much a confirmed lesbian.
She's severely overweight.

And she's, like, a massive suck.

Like, she sucks up to the teachers
so badly. It's, like, ridic.

Like, she's always, like, 'Oh, my God.
I'm so good at everything.

Like, look at all the badges
on my blazer.'

It's, like, seriously,
get over yourself.

The town flooded and, um, like,
a guy died or something.

And she claims that
she, like, saved the town.

Like, there was a thing on the news and
Erin was, like, filling up sandbags.

Like, trying to, like, stop
the riverbank from killing people.

And it was, like...
It was so ridiculous.

And then we had this assembly, right,
and everyone had to get up and applaud.

And she, like, started crying.
It was so ridic. Seriously.

She needs to, like,
stop going on about herself

and think about losing some weight.

My dance is about the floods
and depicting through movement

the emotion of getting
the community together.

It's a celebration of the community spirit
and the awesome force of Mother Nature.

So I told Josh and all of his friends
to meet us after choir practice.

- They're gonna meet us in the hall.
- Did you say bring Mitchell?

Obvs. Why do you think
I would invite them?

We're gonna give you and Mitchell
solo time to get to know each other.

- God, I'm so nervous.
- No need to be nervous.

I'm gonna be so embarrassed
when I see him.

- Why?
- 'Cause he's so hot.

And I'm just, like...
I'm really into him.

Oh, good, then.

I'm looking really quiche today,
though, don't you reckon?

Like, I'm looking flat as
in my sports bra,

but, like, imagine me
in school uniform.

Yeah, quiche as.

I'm having a quiche hair day, too,
don't you reckon?

FML for me having small tits.
It sucks.

don't worry about that, Ja'mie.

This is the hottest we are ever gonna
look in our lives, girls,

and I'm a fucking A cup.

You're adorbs, babes. Seriously,
you'd look weird with massive tits.

You're the hottest girl in Year 12
and you know you are.

I know I am, but I just don't like
having small tits.

It's, like... It's, like, FML.
You know?

It's, like, boys always talk about tits.
It makes me really insecure.

- But does it really matter?
- Yeah, it matters.

Because he might, like,
be into big tits

and he might reject me
because he doesn't like my tits.

- You can't think like that.
- So it matters.

Well, if it happens, I'll blame you.

- Um, cool dance, Erin. Really creative.
- Thanks.


What are you doing, Ja'mie?
You look like a freak.

Trying to take my bra off
without flashing my tits.

And considering present company,
I think it's probably a good idea.

- Well, why don't we hold up towels?
- OK.

- Two towels. I need two.
- Sure. Here.

- I don't want to arouse certain people.
- No.

Some of us are straight in here.

- God, she's so traj.
- Hold them still, bitches.

- Oh, my God. Can she...
- Don't look.

- She keeps looking.
- Can you not look?

- How much of a perve is she?
- Fucking bitch.

This year, we're combining

junior and senior choirs
for our Presentation Day.

As you may be aware,
it's our centenary celebration,

so we're taking it up a notch.

And we've got our multitalented
student Jamie King,

who's actually written a piece
for this assembly.

She's based it on the motto
of the school - Docendo Discimus -

which is
'Teaching in order to learn'.

And to that, she's added her own
phrase 'Learning to be me',

which really rounds it off
and makes it a real expression

of what it means to be
a Hillford girl.

Well done, girls. Fantastic stuff.
Really spine-tingling.

It'll be even better
on the night, won't it, girls?

Miss, could I just run through
with my juniors?

'Cause they were sounding
really bad in the end.

- OK, that's a good idea.
- Yeah, the harmonies and stuff.

Sectionals, girls. Can I get my
juniors over to the piano, please?

- Years 7 and 8's with me, please.
- Juniors.

OK, um, Courtney, I could hear you and,
no offence, but you sound really shit.

So can I get you and Selena just to go
through alto-soprano parts on the chorus?

No. Why?

Because it's sounding bad
and you've gotta get it right, OK?

We sound just fine.
Ask Miss Duffy.

You don't.
I can hear you and you sound shit.

OK. Five, six, seven, eight.

Are you fucking serious?
Are you trying to sound bad?

- That was bad.
- We sound fine.

And what about your gay solo line
where you go, 'Educa-shon'?

Shut up. All of you bitches,
do not laugh or you'll get Fridays.

Grow some tits and shut your fat face,
OK? At least I've got a solo line, OK?

- The solo sucks!
- At least I wrote the song.

All you've got is a flat chest
and chin acne.

So do what I say
and practise it again.

Miss, don't worry about packing up.
We'll do it, the Prefects will do it.

- So you can go.
- Alright then.

- Have a great night, Miss.
- Thank you, Jamie.

Awesome rehearsal.
See ya, Miss. Thank you.

Erin, we're packing up.
Prefects are packing up.

We don't need your help.
Go. Go. Erin! Leave.

Bye. Bye.

Fucking bitch.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.
- They're here.

They're actually here?
Oh, my God! Oh, shit.

I am freaking out.
Is anyone else freaking out?

Yes, yes!

Actually, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Before
you open the door, I've gotta do this.

Quickly! Quick. Oh, my God.

OK. Go.

- OK, quick. Get in, get in.
- Did anyone see you?

We're so busted
if Mr Hayes sees you.

Hey! I didn't think
you were gonna come.

You didn't respond
to my Facebook message.

- I didn't have my phone on me.
- I thought you hated me.


Um, that's OK
that you didn't respond, so...

Um, guys, does everyone know about
the Perfect Prefect Party?

- Yeah.
- My house, on Friday.

- Yeah, are you coming?
- Make sure you RSVP.

Um, so... come and sit over...

Are you settling into school
really well?

- Yeah, I like it. It's alright.
- That's cool.

Um, so Year 10.
That's really...

It's a really, um, like...
It's such a bludge year, like...

I remember Year 10.

It was, like, really cool 'cause
there's heaps of parties and stuff

and everyone's, like, hooking up.

- Yeah, pretty cool.
- That's cool.

- It's probably like that at Kelton too.
- Um, Ja'mie.

We were thinking of all going to the shops
and leaving you and Mitchell to chat.

Oh, OK. Um, yeah, cool.
I'll text you.

Love you.

- Love you guys. ILY, everyone.
- See you, boys.

I love you so fucking much. Bye.

- I did not plan that to happen.
- Yeah...

I promise you.
I didn't.

When it comes to guys,

like, I'm the one in my group
that knows the most about guys.

Like, I kind of know how to handle the
male species, if you know what I mean.

Like, I know how to get
what I want.

I have a way of being able
to, like, draw guys in.

Like, No.1 rule when you're
with a guy - be yourself.

Don't be fake. Guys hate it.

- It's like a stadium.
- You are so funny.

You crack me up so much.

And, you know,
if guys are really into sport,

then ask them about the sport
that they're into.

Pretend that you're into it too.

I am really into football.
Like, I love it.

Like, I'm seriously...
I'm cray for it.

You wouldn't think from looking at me,
but I'm, like, really into football.

Like, all codes and stuff.

A good way of getting really physical
with a guy

is, like, you ask them
about their muscles.

Like, guys love
talking about their muscles.

Flex it again.
Go from non-flex to flex.

Oh, my God!

That kind of breaks the ice

and gets you in a sort of, like,
skin-on-skin kind of contact way.

And guys, like,
they feel a connection with you.

There's sort of like a warmth.

I would kill to have
my Year 10 body back.

One of the really important things is
to let guys know who you really are.

Guys love it when you
tell them everything.

They wanna know
what you're all about.

I used to have, like,
a full eating disorder in Year 8.

And then, like, I went full emo.
In, like, Year 9, I was like...

Well, not, like, ugly emo.
Like, hot emo.

And then, like, I went really indie,
like, in Year 10.

I nearly, like, drowned myself once
in the bath.

Yeah, my mum came in.
I was, like, face down.

But I was only down for, like,
30 seconds so I couldn't have died.

I love music festivals.

Like, I love... I just love the whole
atmosphere of a music festival.

Just, like, all the crowds and, like,
I love getting in a mosh pit.

I'm really into DJing
at the moment too.

I'm, like...
I've got some decks at home and stuff.

Doing a bit of that. Yeah.

Guys are really attracted
to visual stuff.

They wanna try before they buy, so get
up there, show 'em what you can do.

Let 'em see how your body moves.

Would it be really random if, like,

I showed you a dance
that I've been working on?

- No. That's cool.
- Would it be weird?

- No, let's do it.
- Oh, cool.

Um, we should probably move some stuff
out of the way so you can see me.

- I hope you like it. You into dance?
- Yeah. It's pretty cool.

- Are you into dubstep?
- Yeah, I like it.

- I love dubstep. I'm cray for it.
- So do I.

Actually, stop. Can you stop it?
Stop, stop. That one's shit, actually.

I haven't, like, fully worked it out.

Go to the next track. This is a dance
that I've been... worked on for a while.

So I'll show you this one.

Wait. Wait till I say.

Alright, go.

- You fucking little bitch!
- It's going on YouTube. Sucked in!

Fucking delete it, you stupid slut!

What on earth's going on in here?!
Girls, stop!

Jamie, enough!


That language is disgusting, and get
that uniform done up immediately!

You, young man,
what do you think you're doing here?

No Kelton boys are allowed on these
grounds at any time. Are we clear?

Now, tell me, what is going on?

She's trying to impress that guy
with slutty dance moves.

- Shut your face, you fat slut.
- Jamie, your language, please.

You're our School Captain.
You should know better than that.

I've got a good mind to take
that badge off you right now.

OK, you, young man, go.
And go immediately.

And I do not want to see you
ever again. Quickly!

Courtney and Selena,
outside and wait for me.

You're in trouble as well.

Jamie, I don't know
what's going on here,

but don't think it's smooth sailing
from here on in.

You still need to do the exams to get
that 99 ATAR score you're after.

You still gonna go to university
and do PR at the end of all this?


Don't try that nonsense on me.

If you want to go to university,
you need to focus.

You're abright young woman
with a great future in front of you.

Don't waste the opportunity.

The other thing is, I'd really love
to see you win the Hillford Medal,

particularly in the centenary year.

But if you want it, you've gotta
make sure you don't mess it up.

- Are we clear?
- Sorry, sir.

- But, like, obviously I'm gonna get it.
- Sorry?

Obviously, like,
I'm gonna get the Hillford Medal.

- Like, who else would you give it to?
- Don't assume that.

You're an outstanding candidate. There's
no doubting that. But there are others.

You do the right thing by us and
we can do the right thing by you,

but it comes down to you.

I want you to get your stuff
and leave this hall now. Quickly.


Next time on Ja'mie:
Private School Girl...

I would now like to introduce
my latest project - Kwami.

Hi, Kwami. Welcome to Hillford.

Stop trying to fucking cash in
on my African.

This is your room.
It's actually my sister's room.

- Get out!
- You don't have to be a fucking bitch.

Well, don't fucking come in when
Kwami's in here, you fucking perve.

Sorry. Sorry.

Hey, do you want Ja'mie
to flash her tits?

Shut up!

Oh, my God. We've got a party
on tonight. You're totally invited.

The boarders are here.
They're out the front.

Go away, Lauren.
You're not fucking invited.

Fat lesbian boarders.

Have you looked in the mirror lately,
horse face? You're fat yourself.

I fucking hate you!