It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 5 - The Gang Gets Analyzed - full transcript

SWEET DEE (groans): Goddamn.

And how is the psoriasis coming?

Has it gotten any better?

Oh! It's not good,
Doc, it's not good.

I'm scaling up like a goddamn
boa constrictor over here.

Skin conditions can be
manifestations of deeper issues.

Well, you're not a skin doctor,
so let's drop it already, okay?

I got beef with you.

Excuse me?

I am mad at you!

Remember that cooperative dinner
you had me have with my friends

so we could try and resolve
some of our issues?

Well, it blew up in my face.

What happened?

Uh, screaming and tears and
physical threats, uh, Frank

pulled out his gun, somebody
dropped the "N" bomb.

I don't remember where that
came from, but it was messy.

No, I mean why did it all fall apart?

Oh. No one was assigned the dishes.

And that all happened over the dishes?

Yes. And frankly, I haven't
seen any results since I've been

coming to you, so as far as I'm
concerned, you're in the hot

seat until you resolve this.

Resolve this...?

Who's going to do the dishes!

And also, this is a great
opportunity for you to see how

insane my asshole friends are.

You brought them here?

Of course I brought them here...
what, are you gonna come to my house?

Hey, assholes, get in here.

CHARLIE: Did you guys sort it out?

Did you sort it out already?

MAC: How long were we
gonna sit out there for?

FRANK: All right, listen,
lady, I'll tell you one thing.

I ain't doing these goddamn dishes!

Therapy is stupid.

I don't trust a shrink.

They screw with your head.

Frank, it's the only way to settle the
argument and find out who is the winner.

Okay, uh... let me first just say
that arguments do not have winners.

DENNIS: Yeah, actually,
this argument is more about

determining who the loser will be,
because most of us will be winners.

Yeah, yeah, and it's
not gonna be me, okay?

I'm not doing those dishes,
because I had the hardest job.

Setting the table?

Are you dumb?

I hosted!

It was wall-to-wall details!

I was on edge the whole time.

Well, it's gonna be you or Frank or
Charlie, 'cause Dennis and I cooked.

The food was mush.

The food was divine.

It was pheasant.

I never did the dishes before
and I'm not starting now.

I bankrolled; case closed.

Well, I had the hardest job
of anyone... I traveled all the

way to this exotic merchant in
search of this rare fowl...

What the hell are you
talking about, Charlie?

You went to the corner gourmet grocery
store and you bought pheasant.

Okay. This is all, you know,
a little bit unorthodox, but it

is clearly about much more
than just the dishes.

Yeah, there's always levels.

Well, yeah, I mean, we're
complex people, you know?

(several talking at once)

Our rivers run deep, and... I
believe I can help you with this.

Let me stop you right there,
actually, Doc... I can help you.

You see, I have a background in
academic psych myself, from an.

Ivy League college, no less,
not this, uh, LaSalle.

It sounds like a pasta dish.

(laughter)

It does, it does.

But let's not be mean, Frank.

Some people don't have the
same access that we do.

Now, use me as a resource.

Think of me as a colleague.

Now, I was thinking we could
start with a few one-on-ones,

you know, move on to a couple of
mix-'em-ups, you know, and then

end with a big group dealio.

I'm going first, please?

Can I go first?

Uh, Mac, I'll be the one
to determine who goes first.

And it is you.

Aah! Yes!

♪ ♪

(exhaling sharply)

(panting)

You seem very on edge.

Yeah, you're goddamn
right I'm on edge!

I hosted the shit out of that party!

And that's just not
setting the table, okay?

I made a playlist, I thought
of cool shit to talk about, I

provided security, I kept everybody safe!
Safe! (Panting)

You know, sometimes I feel like...
I feel like they don't

even understand me and we're
not even that good of friends.

(screams) That's bullshit!

That's bullshit!

We're, like, the best friends
in the whole goddamn world!

Goddamn them for making
me think otherwise!

(laughing)

(laughter dies with moan)

Are you okay?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I was just thinking of something that
Charlie said that was really funny.

Mac, let me ask you a question.

Yeah.

Do you often feel strong
emotion felt in quick succession?

Oh, yeah. And not just my emotions.

I have had a slight fluctuation
with my weight recently.

I see. And how much
weight are we talking about?

I gained and lost 60
pounds in three months.

Wow, that's almost impossible.

Well, first of all, through
God, all things are possible, so

jot that down.

And yeah, yeah, I had a
difficult time there.

I had to buy all new clothes, and...
people used to cross the

street when I would walk by.

They'd be, like, "Whoa, look at
that monster coming towards us",

you know, barreling towards us."

Mac... you're not that guy anymore.

Don't you think I know that?

And I'm starting to think that I'll
never become that monster again.

Oh, so you preferred
being scary to people?

Yeah. Lady, I was as big as a
skyscraper, and now I'm as tiny

as a postage stamp.

Oh. I get it. Cute.

You leave this pen here and
people are supposed to think,

"Wait, that looks like a dick."

Mac, have you ever heard of
the term "body dysmorphia"?

Is that what I have?

Is that what's making me so thin?

No. Body dysmorphia is when
you see a distorted version of

yourself that no one perceives but you.

Oh, but Dennis perceives it,
too, because he's been giving me

size pills to make me bigger.

Dennis is, like, my best buddy.

Well, oftentimes, drugs don't
address the root of the problem.

Talking through the issues may
be the best way for you to

address your mood
swings and body issues.

Talking about it?

Talking about it!

No, that's good. That's good.

So if we talk about it, then
you think that I'll get most

bigger... from talking!

Oh, that's really good.

You know... thank you.

Thank you for this.

You know, when I first walked in
here, I was, like, "There's no"

way that this is gonna work,"

'cause I just do not get the
whole woman doctor thing, but

then when you started talking
about God, I realized that

you're one of the smart ones.

All right, let's do it,
let's talk about it.

Let's talk about God, and let's
talk about how you're gonna make

me more bigger.

Will you put the pen down?

Hey-o! Time's up!

Get out, slim. Let's go.

That door is supposed to be locked.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I taped the
knob... I knew I'd be popping in

and out quite a bit.

Let's go. Ticktock, ticktock.

Time's up. Ticktock, tiny man.

Okay, let's not get bogged down.

You know, just time for headlines.

Okay. These guys need structure,
Doc, and that'll become clear to

you... you just don't see it yet.

Now, you are gonna want to
strap in for this next one.

♪ ♪

(light banging)

(head banging, grunting)

Charlie? (Clears throat)

Um... why don't you share with
me how you feel the dinner went.

(Charlie screams)

Fine, I'll do the dishes!

You're just gonna make
me do 'em anyway!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Why do you assume I'm gonna
make you do the dishes?

'Cause it's Charlie work, and
I'm gonna get stuck with it, so

I'll just do the dishes!

Goddamn it!

"Charlie work."

What's "Charlie work"?

Fill me in.

Oh, right.

You don't even know what Cha...?

Right. Okay, well, Charlie
work is, like, you know, like,

basement stuff, cleaning
urinals, uh, blood stuff, your

basic slimes, your sludges.

Anything dead, or decay, you know,
I'm on it, I'm dealing with it.

And you dislike it?

Well, no. I mean, at
its core, I love it.

You know, I love the dark, I
love slippery things, I love

being naked, uh, in the sewer.

Bleach smells good, uh, tastes
good, you know, but it's just,

like, I don't like being
told what to... (grunts)

I'm sorry, I didn't get that last one.

I don't like being told what to do.

Everyone's always telling
me what to do all the time.

Got it, got it.

Kick me around.

I'm, like, probably the weirdest
guy in the universe, you know.

Probably even weirder
than someone from Saturn.

Why do you think you're weird?

I don't know.

I'm just... weird, I guess.

What did... what did Dee tell you?

I'm not at liberty to discuss other patients...
I mean, like, would it be

weird if you survived an abortion?

You know, would it be weird if,
like, you shared a bed with a

man who may or may not be your father?

Again, I can't talk about...
You know what would be weird?

If you eat cat food to go to
sleep, and you have such a

fascination with cats that maybe
you glue cat hair on the back of

your neck every now and then?

That's new information that I haven't...
You know, I mean, 'cause, so,

you know, like, is it bad?

No. No. Being comfortable in
your own skin is never a bad thing.

Oh, my God, right.

Okay, so if I got, like, more
skin or something, then I

could, like, never do a bad
thing in my life, and maybe I

never have done a bad thing
'cause I have a lot of skin.

That's not what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is, given your...
nontraditional life

choices, you are
surprisingly well-adjusted.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm
well-adjusted, you know, because

of my lack of traditions, and
I'll adjust to that, and...

I feel like you're mirroring
my words, but you're not exactly

understanding them.

You're saying, like, do the things
you do, go even further with them.

You know, maybe get a ton of cat
hair, glue it all over your

body, you know, walk around like a cat
man in the night through the alleyways.

You know, and stop hiding the pigeon.

The pigeon?

This one. You know, let him be who he
wants, let him... let him fly away. Go!

(Charlie gasps)

He's dead, I think.

So, you've had the... a dead pigeon
in your jacket this whole time?

He was alive at one point, you know.

I'm not crazy. It's just, I
think I might have hugged him a

little too hard, kind of
smothered him a bit, but, um,

hey, we'll make an adjustment,

uh, to it,
and we'll make a tradition out of it.

(peanut shell breaking)

(munching)

Okay... (clears throat)

(Frank spits shells out)

Let's talk about... I
ain't talking about nothing!

This skull is Fort Knox.

Why don't you trust therapists?

I opened up to a therapist just once.

I was a kid.

I got into a fight.

The doctor asked me
question after question!

Got me so scrambled up.

Next thing you know, I was shanghaied
upstate to a nitwit school.

You know what a nitwit school is?

I assume you mean a school
for the mentally disabled.

Yeah. Not just for nuts in the head.

Bodies, too.

Back then, science was real crude.

They stuck us all together.

My roommate was a frog kid.

You ever see a frog kid?

Frog kid?

Yeah. The place was windowless.

There was a guard every ten feet.

All the rooms had drains in the
floors so they could hose us down.

How terrible!

Got my first kiss there.

Frank?

(Frank crying)

It was terrible!

But not her.

She was an angel.

Always smiling.

That's because she had no lips, but her
mouth was still very much in play.

Let's talk about the dishes.

Oh!

She died two weeks later.

She thought she was a space man
with a plastic bag for a helmet.

Oh!

Aah!

Oh, you unzipped me.

It's all coming back.

It's all coming back.

I hate you!

It's all coming back, you understand?!

I don't like it!

I don't like to think about it.

(wheezing and crying)

(groaning)

Oh, it's-it's... With a
plastic bag for a helmet!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, you unzipped me. Oh! Oh!

This is me saluting you.

I'm a big fan of your work.

How quickly you rattled their
cages, broke them all down.

It's not about breaking.

It's about helping them.

Hmm. It's interesting,
our thing, isn't it?

To be in someone's mind,
to have complete control.

It's like the thrill of being
near the executioner's switch,

knowing that at any moment, you
could throw it, but knowing you

never will.

But you could.

Never isn't the right word,
because I could, and I might.

I probably will.

Will you sit down, please?

Yeah, sure. Sorry.

Did I make you nervous?

Not my intention.

Well... (sighs)

So... who would you
like to discuss first?

How about you?

(laughing)

That's good, but we don't
really have time for jokes, so

let's jump right into it, shall we?

Now, I've long maintained
psychological dossiers on every

single one of those raving
lunatics in your waiting room

right now.

The top one, and the thickest,
by far, is Charlie's, of course.

But I'd rather start... with Mac.

Oh.

Start with a simple one.

Now, how did your session with him go?

Dennis, as I think you know,
I'm not at liberty to discuss

another patient.

Listen, why don't you think
of me more as a peer, you know,

in the academic sense, of course?

In terms of age, you're
decades older than me.

But why don't I start, okay?

Um, if you'll open up your
dossier there, you'll see there

on the first page is something
that you picked up on almost

immediately, which is his
reverse body dysmorphia.

And this... a well-placed pen,
can have quite an effect on a

man like him.

(chuckles)

This must have given
him quite the thrill.

I bet he tried to suck on this.

Did he?

Huh?

It's okay, Doc.

You can tell me.

He's always sucking on the
pens in our apartment.

I'm always having to hide them.

Well, I showed you mine.

Why are some of these
pages written in crayon?

My file on Dee was started
in the second grade.

Interesting.

Interesting?

Tell me about these size
pills you're giving Mac.

Well, now, that's more like it.

So they're Mexican ephedra.

Calling them size pills
was an eloquent solution.

The guy was gross.

It was disgusting.

He was fat as shit, he smelled
liked shit, he sounded like

shit, his groans, his
snores, the sleep apnea.

It was gross.

He was repulsive, really.

So he has no appetite because
you're drugging him, secretly.

Giving a man medicine for his
disease... wherever did I get

that idea?

What are you writing?

Writing?

Oh, nothing.

Drawing.

Drawing conclusions.

And... drawing this.

You like it?

It's very generous.

Dee, I'm afraid I have a serious
issue to discuss with you.

Yeah.

I cannot help you if you
are lying in every session.

Lying?

Why would I be lying?

What are you talking about?

Why would you... where
are you getting this?

Were you or were you not...
Uh-huh.

...the first choice for the
female lead in The Notebook?

Yes.

Yes, I was and I had to,
unfortunately, pass because of

a scheduling conflict.

We... (laughs)

We went over this.

I graciously handed it to Rachel
McAdams and she did a fine job

with the film.

I'm secure enough to admit that.

I'm finding all this hard to believe.

(Brooklyn accent): Oh, what
do you want to hear, Doc, huh?

That I had cigarettes put
out on me when I was a kid?

That this isn't a surgery scar, huh?

That my father stabbed me? Huh?

Okay, let me interrupt you
for a second, okay, because I

think we have an example
happening right before our eyes.

You're speaking right now with
a Brooklyn accent and yet...

(normal voice): Boston.

It was a Boston accent.

The accent was clearly from Brooklyn.

This isn't a surgery scar.

No, you don't say scar.

That's clearly Brook... Yes, I did.

No.

Okay, the point is, Dee... >>
It's a really good... Hmm?

...I just met your father and
I think that little bit was from.

Good Will Hunting.

Yeah, he's not my father.

That's a whole can of worms.

I don't want to go into it.

But it was from Good Will Hunting.

How-how did you enjoy it?

I'd rather discuss the father issue.

You know what, she really
wasn't that great, now that I

think about it.

Who?

Rachel McAdams.

Feel like I could've done a better job.

Do you think that I would've
done a better job, with that.

Ryan Gosling?

I've never seen you act.

Oh, really?

Uh... ta-da!

I've been lying the whole time!

Oh!

So, good, you admitted it.

Uh-uh, that was acting.

What I just... right there was acting.

I said I was lying, and
that wasn't even true.

That was acting.

All right, so uh!

You are... (laughing)

I am so... I'm good.

I am so... How are you feeling
about all of what I'm doing?

Did you like that?

Did you think that was good?

Tell me I'm good.

Tell me it was good.

Tell me I'm good.

Tell me I'm good.

Tell me that was good.

Tell me I'm good.

Tell me I'm good.

Tell me I'm good... Tell me I'm good.

Tell me I'm good.

Tell me I'm good... Tell me I'm good.

Tell me I'm good.

You're good.

Thank you.

Was it that hard?

(sighs)

What is happening?

(Frank crying)

Let it out.

Let it out, Frank.

Dennis, there was another
twin in your mother's womb.

We were going to call him Donnie.

You and Deandra devoured him
before he could be born.

You gobbled him up.

That can't possibly be true.

Donnie!

You would've been the good one.

It would've been Bruce's
kid anyway, Frank.

Jesus Christ.

I can't take much more of this shit.

It's starting to irritate me.

Dennis, Dennis, you should do
some quadra-lift thrusters with me.

Oh, better yet, get up on my shoulders.

That's even better because then
I need more weight on my back.

Mac, if you want to get
big, take a size pill.

Take a size pill.

No, thank you.

What do you mean, "No, thank you"?

Good for you.

Yeah, I want to do this
the right way, Dennis.

The therapist implied that
God wanted me to have bovine

hormones and I think she's
going to get them for me.

Dennis, can I give you some advice?

Absolutely not.

Look, hey, do what you want
to do in life, you know, and

there's nothing wrong with that.

Oh, what I want to do?

Mmm, well... that's what I want to do.

Oh, well, I applaud you for that.

Absolutely, you know.

Oh, good.

And now know that, of course,
I'll come back at you with

everything that I have.

What are you...?

(Dennis choking)

Get him, Charlie.

Go ahead, get him.

Get him, get him, get him, get him.

Get him for Donnie.

Get him.

How's that? Huh?

You having a white Christmas?

You having a white
Christmas, you bitch?

This ends now, lady.

This ends now.

You got Frank all messed up, you
got Mac not taking his size

pills, you got Charlie thinking
that he's well-adjusted when

he's the craziest of all.

Stop calling me crazy!

I'm not crazy.

You're crazy, okay?

You've been eating pigeon
all day and loving it.

You all ate pigeon.

What?

What?

Yeah, I served you pigeon, okay?

I'm not going to spend my money
on a pheasant when I can get a

perfectly good street bird.

All right, you ate pigeon...
(Frank yells)

Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ, Charlie.

Screw it.

Tell him I'm not crazy.

You are... you know
what, I don't care.

I'm going to get my stomach pumped.

Lady, you got to finish this, okay?
Give us answers now.

Well, I think we've made
some great steps today.

Dishes!

- What?
- Dishes.

There is much more at play
here than just... - Dishes!

So you want me to just tell you who...
Dishes.

Dishes.

On a severe dysfunctional...
(chanting): Dishes, dishes,

dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes,
dishes, dishes... Okay, okay!

Dee, do the (bleep) dishes.

Boom!

(Mac and Frank laughing)

Blah!

I feel like a weight has been lifted.

You're a good therapist.

She is pretty good.

That's good.

You goddamn dirty...
Oh, I got an idea.

I'll do the dishes, okay?

Oh, there's the dishes.

Guys like that?

Are you happy now?

Here's some dishes.

You screwed me, you bitch.

There's the dishes, all
really nice and clean.

Good idea.

Dee, do the dishes.

Here, I got it, I got it. Do I need help?

No, sit tight, please, have a beer.
I'll do the dishes.

I got it, please, help yourself
to the desert.

It's in the refrigerator.

You like this, huh?
Here's the dishes.