It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 6 - Charlie's Mom Has Cancer - full transcript

(knocking)

CHARLIE: Hey, knock, knock.

BONNIE: Oh, hi, Charlie.

Hey, Ma.

Listen, you're doing me a solid
offering to do this laundry, all right?

Well, we never get to talk.

That's why I offered.

We don't talk, and it's good that way.

MAC: Hello.

Hey, Mac's here.

He brought his laundry.

Thanks a bundle, Mrs. Kelly.

I got Frank's stuff, Dee's stuff, Dennis'
stuff, so you're gonna be working.

Oh, okay, well, what I wanted to talk to you about...
Ooh, talky, talky, talky,

talky, talky.

You know, Mom, we're busy.

We got a whole big day planned.

Yeah, we got to go back to
Paddy's and polish off a couple

beers, so it's like...
Beers, you know, but hey.

Time is of the essence.

We'll come back when it's
folded and good and done.

I'd like to bring it up now.

Um, I have cancer.

Yeah, but I got to... I'm sorry. What?

I have lung cancer.

What?

But how?

You don't even smoke.

Well, you know, it's just
one of those freak things.

SWEET DEE: And then Psychic
John said that he could tell I

was under a tremendous amount
of stress and that my heart was

filled with sorrow.

Now how would he have known
that if he wasn't psychic?

FRANK: I'm not giving you any
money for your dumb psychic.

But he says I'm gonna have a
tremendous windfall of cash.

You're losing your mind.

You're being scammed.

I'm losing my mind?

How many pairs of shoes have
you lost this month, Frank?

Three.

Hmm?

Four. That's not the point.

The point is my mind is as sharp as a...
what do you call it?

Um, it's a... Knife?

No, uh, what you put... What you... What you...
I just don't understand why

it's my fault.

It's your fault because your
mom is directly responsible.

Yeah, but we both decided to
move them in together, so you

know, you deserve half the blame.

You want to put half the blame on me?

Guys, my mom has lung cancer.

DENNIS: Oh, God.

You know, geez.

That's-that's terrible.

What the hell was that, dude?

That didn't sound very genuine.

No. Sorry.

What was I supposed to do?

What are you... Are you kidding me?

Are you screwing with me right now?

No, I'm sorry.

I think the cancer thing, for
whatever reason, is just not...

You know, it's just not
grabbing me right now.

Not grabbing you?

My mom is dying!

Okay, calm down, calm down.

Okay, because my mom has a
doctor that can cure the cancer

for 4,200 bucks, so no big deal.

4,200 bucks? To cure cancer?

That's it?

No, I mean, that's a scam.

That's what I was saying.

Do you think it's a scam?

Come on, people take advantage of old
people and scam them all the time.

Thumbtack.

What?

Thumbtack.

We were talking about things
that earlier that were sharp,

and a thumbtack is sharp.

Thumbtack?

Yeah.

All right. You see what
I'm talking about?

People get old and then their
brains turn to mush, and then

people come along and
take advantage of them.

Now, Frank, give me the hundred
bucks you were excited to give

me for my psychic.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Where the hell are we?

I mean, your mom's totally screwing
my mom again with this doctor scam.

No, it's not a scam, Charlie.

She's been seeing this guy for
years, and she doesn't have cancer.

Yeah, I got to say, though, this is a
strange place for a doctor's office.

What's this guy's name?

Dr. Jinx.

Dr. Jinx is the name of
a monkey, not a man.

Come in.

He lives in a garage?

Yeah. Guys, look, let's just
give him a shot, all right?

If we don't like what
we see, we reassess.

All right. Go.

(music playing)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you Dr. Jinx?

Indeed I am.

Have a seat.

Goddamn it.

So, what are we gonna do, guys?

I'd just like to say this
is, uh, this is weird.

Now, I can understand your suspicions.

Now, when most people think of a
doctor, they don't think of a

black man living in a garage
surrounded by houseplants.

I normally think Asian.

Yeah, or I think of an Indian guy.

Or white.

Middle Eastern. Pretty much
anything other than black.

Is that racist?

Hell, yeah, it's racist.

Your parents ain't let you watch The
Cosby Show when you was coming up?

Oh, my parents would never have
let me watch something like that.

Let's not make this about racism.

Let's make this about the man
who's living in a garage

treating my mom for cancer.

Hey, hey, now, look, here's my deal: I
use ancient homeopathic remedies derived

from the Mother Earth.

You can't get no cleaner than that.

Homeopathic from Mother Earth, huh?

Dr. Jinx, I have an eczema situation
that's burning me up good.

Do you have anything for that?

Oh, shit.

Well, that's not eczema.

What you have there, my
friend, that's sailor's rot.

Sailor's rot?

I'm not a sailor, Dr. Jinx.

When was the last time
you've been to Haiti?

Never. I've never been to...
I've been to Kensington.

When you was in Kensington,
did you have intercourse with

any hoes, ladies of the
nights, or prostitutes?

No. No. I have... Don't worry about it.

Doctor-client privilege.

Don't worry about it.

I got what you need, okay?

Oh! Oh! Oh, that burns!

(groans)

Mother Earth don't play.

Do you have anything from the
Mother Earth that would be

sprayed on me and cause me to
have feelings again 'cause I'm

having trouble feeling things.

Oh, you want feelings?

Oh, I have something for that.

Dr. Jinx got something for feelings.

(plays funky bass line)

Okay, so that was a scam, right?

Yep.

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

I think he sprayed me with Miracle-Gro.

All right, guys, my mom
has real problems.

I need real help.

Oh, I got it.

I know exactly who we
need to turn to next.

♪ Raise you up on eagles' wings
Bear you on the breath of dawn ♪

♪ Make you to shine like the sun and
hold you in the palm of his hand. ♪

Holy, holy, holy.

Lord God of power and might, heaven
and earth are full of your glory.

This is ridiculous.

What are we doing here?

We're turning to the big man upstairs.

He's gonna make this right.

I can't believe you think this is
a real solution to our problem.

Dennis, what do you think of all this?

Shh. Amen.

I'm just trying to embrace this.

I want to see if I can
knock some emotion loose.

This is ridiculous.

Hey, hey, hey, don't
say that; now kneel.

Why do I have to kneel?

I don't see the point.

Because God wants it.

Look, just do what the priest
says; don't ask why, just do.

Look, our moms are here.

They see the value in it.

Why can't you?

(coughs)

Where's your mom going?

Oh, she keeps a cigarette
burning out on the steps

outside, so she's gonna go hack a butt.

So, she just comes and
goes as she pleases?

There's no sort of rules for her?

She's put her time in here, all right?

The Lord makes an exception for her.

Jesus Christ, man.

Hey... stop using his
name in vain; now, stand.

(groans) Stand?

Yes, and give me some
money for the baskets.

No, I'm not giving you money.

We have to give money...
Thank you, thank you.

Look, maybe the church should
give us money, you know?

They seem to have plenty of it.

Dude, the church doesn't give
money; it takes it, all right?

That's the way it works.

And then you go to heaven.

Now, kneel.

Kneel? I got to kneel again?

Actually, it's over.

We're standing again.

Son of a bitch!

This is a scam, okay?

This is a scam.

It's kneeling, standing,
getting people all confused.

Hey, hey, come here.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Offering you a sign of peace.

I don't want this.

Peace be with you.

Can I say something?

Can I say something?

Sorry about your mother.

(Charlie groans)

Okay, I want to talk about
someone in your life.

Okay.

Okay, someone close to you.

All right.

I'm getting a Fa... No, I'm getting a Ba...
No, I'm getting a Da... Dennis?

Dennis!

Is it?

Yes, yeah, no, I'm seeing that.

Dennis?

Yup, yup, I'm seeing Dennis.

Okay.

And I am feeling as if he is a neighbor...
or an enemy.

He's a coworker, friend, he's a relative...
He's my brother.

He's your brother.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

Is he how I'm getting
my windfall of cash?

You know, I'm not seeing clearly
yet how you get the cash.

I do see a lot of money in your future.

You do?

Yeah, but... (laughing): Oh, shit.

I think it's gonna take a few sessions
to really get the whole picture.

Is it?

Ha-- I was just out buying
new shoes and I remembered

I didn't want to give
you that hundred bucks.

Yeah, and then you called me
and you said you changed your

mind and you'd like to give me
another hundred, so where is it?

I did?

Yeah.

Ah, shit.

Hi. Psychic John.

You have an interesting aura.

Don't start with me.

Who's gonna win the
Super Bowl this year?

You don't know shit.

Well, I do know that you lost
three pairs of shoes this month.

You have a pork chop bone in
your left pocket; you have 57

cents in your right, and you
clipped someone's side mirror

while parking in a handicap spot.

Holy shit.

That's good.

Can you conjure the dead?

Can you get my dead whore wife
back here so I can lay into her

from the other side?

Well, I can't do that.

Nah, because you're full of shit.

I can't do it because I feel her
spirit is still very much alive.

(gong rings)

What? No, well, I don't
know about that.

W-W-Wait a minute.

I knew there was always something
suspicious about that whore's death.

Really?

Yes, we didn't ask any questions.

We never saw the body.

We didn't go to the funeral.

I am feeling as if she is
still living somewhere in the

city with a small Mexican dog.

(Sweet Dee gasps)

Does that ring a bell?

Ooh, that dirty bitch.

Well, I'll tell you, guys.

I didn't feel much in there, but I
do always enjoy the little wafers.

Of course you do because you're
consuming the actual body of Christ.

Uh-huh, well, he was delicious.

Wait, what?

You're eating our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ every Sunday, that's...

You're telling me that you
believe that Christ comes back

to life every Sunday in the form
of a bowl of crackers, and then

you proceed to just eat the man?

Correct, you consumed his corpse and you
drank his blood; that's a part of...

Good, good, good, good.

This is what we're dealing with.

Hey, Mom.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Why are you here, honestly?

I was praying for help.

I need the money for Dr. Jinx.

Dr. Jinx is a con artist and a lunatic.

I-I know he's strange,
but he's a great doctor.

He really does cure people.

Hey, guys, look at this.

My rash is almost
completely cleared up.

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

Yeah, look at that.

Whatever he sprayed on me worked.

He might actually be a good doctor.

Oh, shit.

Hi, everybody, just a reminder
if you wouldn't mind.

We're asking for extra donations
for the statue of the Blessed

Mother that was vandalized last week.

What the shit, man?

Charlie.

My mother is dying of cancer and
you need money to fix a statue?

No, no, no, no, don't give me this act.

Charlie, calm down.

No, no, no, why don't you
give us some money, okay?

How much is that ring worth?

That looks like an expensive
ring; can we have the ring?

Okay, uh-uh, I'm sorry, Father,
I will pray for his sins.

I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

It's okay. I got this.

What am I doing?

What is he doing?

No, listen, listen, listen.

Don't get all riled up about this
scam or that scam, you know.

It's all a big scam, okay?

Yeah.

But I will say this, the church's scam?

It's a pretty good one.

It's effective.

Look at all the money these
people are giving to the church.

So, I say we use that model to raise
money for your mom at Paddy's.

Guys, let's throw a beef and beer.

A beef and beer-- it's been years.

Beef and beer, huh?

Yeah, we invite the members
of this congregation down to

Paddy's for cheap beef
and watered-down beer.

We'll prey on their Catholic
guilt by playing up your mom's

cancer and "Oh, she's dying,"

and she is, you know, and we'll
raise a bunch of money to give

to your mom to give to Dr.

Jinx.

It's the Holy Trinity:

beef and beer and Jesus.

FRANK: Dig, dig, dig.

What makes you think she's got
money buried in the dog's grave?

Well, she can't use a bank.

She's probably got money
buried all over the city.

Oop, there we go.

Yeah, dig it up, dig it up.

Come on, buddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Aah, goddamn!

Aw, there's a dead dog in there!

Gross!

That's not a dog.

That's my toupee, my blond toupee.

I used to wear this in Miami.

She hated this goddamn thing.

Oh, she didn't like that?

No.

You are an idiot.

Oh, my God, there is some cash.

That dirty whore.

There's got to be, like,
five grand in here.

I bet she's probably got this
stuff hidden all over the city.

I can't believe this.

She's alive.

We better tell your brother Daryl 'cause
he's gonna want to be in the loop.

Dennis?

Dennis, Dennis, goddamn it!

Okay, shh.

Frank, you're losing it!

Stop it. Pipe down.

People live here.

My head is turning to soup.

Okay, I get it.

Hey, uh-uh, Mr... Juarez.

Mr. Juarez, that's right.

You remember the Mexican family
whose house we burned down and

we had to give them our mansion.

Oh, how do you like the mansion?

Oh, it's been very, very nice.

You know, the weddings, the
quinceañeras, but it's very expensive.

Uh, how you call it, uh, property tax.

It's too much.

Yeah.

We had to leave.

Anyway, I am back here every Saturday.

Why?

Oh, I have to go to work.

Aw, shit.

Well, that sucks.

Tell you what.

Property taxes-- paying
for what you already own?

Now, that's a scam.

♪ We want the funk got to have the
funk Oh, we want the funk We need it ♪

♪ Gotta have that funk
We want the funk... ♪

Padre!

So good to see you.

So good of you to come.

Oh... Yeah, right on, right on.

Well, it's for a good cause, isn't it?

So... have some beef, have some beer.

And if you feel the calling, you
know, go ahead and pop that ring

in the donation bucket.

Although I know you won't.

All right.
Have a good time.

We're both playing the same
game, I-I totally get it.

I get what you're doing.

Let me see the-the neck.

Mom, turn your head that way.

Can we do more lesions?

No, dude, the lesions are fine.

That's overkill.

Trust me.

I don't know why I have to wear all
this makeup, and wear a bald cap.

Mom, you want people to
feel sorry for you, right?

Then they give a lot of money.

And you just don't look that sick.

You gotta look sicker.

But I feel like it's lying.

Oh, it's not lying, Mrs.

Kelly, because you are dying of cancer.

Yeah.

It's devouring your insides.

But we need for it to devour your outside,
so it plays better for our audience.

Yeah, look, Mom, it's just basic
Hollywood stuff, all right?

Don't fight it.

Why can't you get Frank
to give me the money?

Frank's not really like a
big charity kind of guy.

He's not really gonna give it.

Okay.

Let's talk about the speech, okay?

Can you go over the
speech that we gave you?

I don't like this speech.

This speech is too graphic.

It... it needs to be graphic
to get their attention.

This bitch is driving me crazy.

I'm sorry.

Look, that's the kind of stuff
that's going to grab people, you

know what I mean?

Like... graphic stuff, melt their...
Artemis, what are you doing?

You can't smoke in here.

It's not tobacco.

I realize it's not tobacco, but it's
not going to be good for her lungs.

She's already... I'm
used to smoke around me.

Oh... She can recover.

She can beat it.

It's only going to add...
Can you go outside?!

Whatever.

I'm gonna go have some beef.

Have some beef, but don't
smoke in front of the woman.

(applause)

♪ We are Dr. Jinx... ♪

We are Dr. Jinx, and we'll
be back in a minute.

All right.

All right, that's good stuff.

Good stuff, hey... everybody give it
up one more time for Dr. Jinx, huh?

(cheering)

Dr. Jinx.

The man with a band
named after himself.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
we all know why we're here.

To celebrate the beautiful life
of the beautiful Bonnie Kelly.

But I'd like to take a moment,
if-if you'll indulge me.

I learned something very important
today, and it just dawned on me.

I want to talk about faith.

Right on.

It's not about... whether
something is true, or-or based

in fact, or reality, or the laws
of physics, or nature, or-or

even basic common sense.

It's about whether or not we're dumb
enough to believe in it that matters.

Oh, folks, who the hell am I
to say that there is no God?

Who am I?

Or to say that anybody's belief in the
church doesn't make their life better?

Maybe it does.

Or that this man, Dr. Jinx...
who am I to say that he can't

cure diseases with his sorcery?

I don't know.

I say, maybe he can.

And I believe that maybe he can.

Ladies and gentlemen, if we believe...
if we just believe...

then we can do anything!

(cheering)

(whoops)

Oh, yeah, ladies and
gentlemen, I feel it now!

Do you feel it?

Do you feel the spirit?

Do you feel the invisible things
around you that don't really exist?

Oh, it doesn't matter!

Dr. Jinx feels it, yeah!

Woo, I feel good!

Yeah!

We feel magnificent, yeah!

And we can cure cancer with plants.

(cheering)

Amen.

Mm, thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Oh, oh-oh-oh.

Dennis, that was amazing, dude.

I am so proud of you.

You are feeling again.

No.

I meant none of it.

Let's go, Mom, come on.

Just read the speech.

I don't think I can do this.

You-you can do it.

You'll be great.

My... my mom has a speech!

"Thank you all for coming to
our Beef and Beer and Jesus.

As you know, I'm as sick as a
three-legged dog on the streets of India.

Any minute, my lungs are going
to sizzle, pop, and disintegrate

into a liquid lung and
organ gumbo soup."

That was my line.

Nice.

Mm.

(whispering): Charlie, I can't do this.

Just get to the money part.

All right, just get
the money part done.

"Give me money.

Money me.

Money now.

Me a money needing a lot now."

That was Charlie's line.

Yeah.

Eh.

Charlie, I-I can't do this.

Doing great.

Doing great.

I have a confession to
make to all of you.

Don't do it, bitch!

I don't have cancer.

What?

(gasping)

(murmuring)

We're the ones that broke
the Virgin Mary statue.

We accidentally hit it with our car.

Mm... We were trying to raise
money to get it fixed.

That's just crazy.

You could've just told me the
story about hitting the statue.

I mean, where did you
come up with this idea?

Well, I learned everything
by watching you.

Well, I... Oh... Aw, shit,
I did do that, huh?

Yeah, you totally... you
pulled that shit on us, too.

Well... You son of a bitch.

That's no excuse.

Yeah, well, at least you didn't
try and grift a doctor, though.

No, no, I never actually
said I was a doctor.

He is the goddamn church gardener.

A gardener?

I guess that would explain this.

Oh!

Oh, Jesus... I was gonna
talk to you about that.

I'm really sorry.

You had my back up against the
wall, I had to spray you with a

heavy dose of pesticide.

Put some aloe vera gel on there, a
little bit of vitamin D... What?

He doesn't know that.

He doesn't know that.

Don't get a diagnosis from him now.
Why... how would you know that?

Goddamn it.

Dennis. Dennis!

Mom's alive.

She faked her own death to steal
Frank's money, and we think it's

buried in her grave.

That dirty whore.

Everybody get a goddamn shovel!

This is such a perfect place for
that bitch to hide my money.

Oh, Psychic John talked about this.

He said I was gonna come into a
windfall of cash, and it's all in here.

Yeah, and then we can use some
of that cash to pay for the

statue that our moms broke, Charlie.

All right!

(coughing)

You guys ready?

Crack it open, Charlie.

(chanting): Charlie, Charlie...
(chanting): Show me the

money, show me the money... (whooping)

Ah, shit!

(screaming)

No! No!

Mommy, Mommy!

Ah! I grifted ya!

What are you talking about?

I paid off the psychic.

I buried the money in the dog grave.

(crying): My mommy, my
mommy's a skeleton!

I grifted your asses good because
you said I was slipping.

I feel too much!

I feel too much!

(sobbing)

You made me dig up my dead mother
because I said you were losing it?

Score one for the old people.

Ha ha!

Wait a minute.

What the hell happened to my shoes?