It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 4 - Charlie and Dee Find Love - full transcript

CHARLIE: I just... I can't
believe you just bought, like,

another ridiculous ugly car.

SWEET DEE: You are lucky I am
letting you into my goddamn...

Oh, shit, okay, okay, here
she comes, here she comes.

Okay, see, what is she doing?

She appears to be delivering food.

No. That's not what I'm
saying-- I know that.

She's actually delivering Indian
food now-- it's a good gig.

But I mean, why is she
not locking up her bike?

This is a bad neighborhood.

Oh, shit.

Okay, look at this guy.

He's totally gonna steal it.

I got to move.

What are you talking about?

(Charlie barking)

Keep it moving, guy!

(barking)

WAITRESS: Goddamn it!

Charlie!

What are you doing here?

You're just leaving your bike unlocked?

I'm protecting it so
it doesn't get stolen!

Okay, you know what?

I'm done.

I am so done with this.

You need to stop stalking me.

You need to leave me alone.

Look... do you have any idea
what a mess your life would be

if I wasn't always helping you out?

I keep a list.

I keep a list of things
that I do, okay?

I watch your bike so it
doesn't get stolen, okay?

I put, uh... I put vitamins in your
shampoo so your hair doesn't fall out.

I test your food so it
doesn't get poisoned.

Charlie! Listen to me.

I am finished.

Stop following me.

Do you want me to be happy?

Do you want me to be happy?

Yes!

Then stop being around
every time I turn around!

You have to leave me alone!

You want me to be, like, gone forever?

Yes. Do you hear me?

Yeah, I hear you. It's... Okay.

Okay, so this is good-bye?

Yeah. Good-bye, I guess.

Great.

Okay, good. Thank you.

Bye. Goddamn.

(laughing): Charlie.

Oh, shit, she slammed you, huh?

Do you want to follow
her around some more?

Nah, whatever, she's, like...
she's right, you know?

Can we just go back to the bar, Dee?

Mm, no, I'd like to follow her around.

(tires screech)

Uh... goddamn it!

If you don't have car insurance,
you better have dental because I

am gonna smash your teeth into dust!

TREVOR: So sorry, that
was completely my fault.

Yeah, it's goddamn your fault, I...
Oh... look at you. My God.

I'm Trevor.

This is my sister Ruby.

RUBY: Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

(all chuckle)

Oh, geez.

(Sweet Dee gags)

DENNIS: No. I don't understand.

None of this is making any sense.

Dude... what is not
to understand, okay?

We got in an accident, right?

They felt a little bad about it,
one thing led to another, they

asked us out to, like, a dinner date.

Who are these people exactly?

- Trevor and Ruby Taft. Right?
- Yeah.

What do you mean "Taft"?

Like... the Taft family?

I don't know.

Yeah, Taft family, yes.

FRANK: That's a good get, Charlie.

I'm rich, but these people
are in the stratosphere.

MAC: Yeah, my whole
family was a Taft family.

My uncles and grandfathers and cousins
all worked for TaftCo Enterprises.

My uncle even drowned in a
vat of their molten steel.

He didn't drown, he burned up.

Yeah, he probably burned.

Yeah, I don't think he drowned.

Either way, this is a
great opportunity, okay?

Do not screw this up, because if
you get into a family like this,

it's like becoming royalty.

What's the plan for the date?

The... I mean, no plans.

We were just gonna be ourselves.

Ha!

Don't.

Do not be yourself.

No, no, no, that's terrible.

Be anybody but yourselves.

Anybody!

Charlie, do not eat any cheese or
any cheese-like substances, okay?

If you see any cheese,
you run away from it!

Dee, do not be a drunk, punchy
whore, okay, you whore?

But... No, there's no buts!

There's no buts.

Do not screw this up for me-- for you...
for all of us.

What is the plan for the date?

I guess we'll become one
of them or something.

Now, uh, as I understand it, your
family came over on the Mayflower?

Um, yes, they can actually be traced
back to the original settlement.

Oh, yeah. Well, I imagine they
destroyed many an Indian.

Mm.

I too sort of have distaste
for the Indians, you know?

They're savage things.

They're nasty, really.

Right, right, they needed
to be exterminated.

I mean, you hate to say it, but...
You do hate to, but it's the truth.

So congratulations to your family.

Uh, my family, uh, we were...
we were a railroad family.

That's right, the Vandervelts
were a distant relative.

Right, yeah.

Well, and I, too, am of a large...
um, money-ful family.

He, too.

Shippers of-of goods and, uh...
Services.

Builders of... tall... Buildings.

Would anyone like a drink?

A drink? No, thank you.

No, thank you, never will I drink.

Whoop! Mm... (chuckles)

It's all right.

That's all right.

Is he all right?

(Charlie groans)

(forced laughter)

Just talk about a different...
I can ignore the cheese.

It's not... I'm sorry, I can't do it!

All right, then screw it.

'Cause I've been eying
this guy all night long.

Excuse me, oh!

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

We've been putting on airs.

I know I come across,
like, super fancy.

I'm not.

We're not the blue blood fancy
types that you think that we are.

Thank God!

We thought we made a huge mistake.

We like you guys 'cause you aren't
anything like the people that we know.

Really?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit, that is such a relief
because look at this pit stain.

I mean, we're, like,
totally, like, normal.

Oh, I'm sweating like...
You like this pit stain?

That's nasty, yo!

I've got bodily functions, I'm sorry!

Hey, guys, can we do some shots?

Yes! I would love to do some shots.

Right, see, we're getting after it now!

We're getting after it!

No, no, see, this doesn't add up.

This does not make any sense.

Why is this going well?

Can the girl not smell Charlie?

Can the guy not see Dee?

Something's fishy.

Dennis, don't poke holes in this, okay?

This is like Lady Di being
plucked from the streets like

the trash she was and the trash
that Charlie and Dee are.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I know what's going on here, guys.

Now this makes sense.

See, I know what's happening here.

This is a Les Liaisons Dangereuses.

Oh, shit!

A what?

Dangerous Liaisons.

What is that?

The movie.

I don't know that movie.

It was like-like Cruel Intentions.

She's All That?

Can't Buy Me Love?

Almost any movie made in the late '90s?

Guys, guys, these are the games
that rich people with nothing

but time on their hands play
with people that they perceive

to be below them.

That girl is just toying with Charlie.

She's gonna crush him.

Yeah, I hate to say it,
but I think you're right.

What about Dee?

What, Dee?

No, she's constantly being crushed.

She'll bounce back, she always does.

Or she won't. It doesn't matter.

I don't care about that.

All I care about is Charlie here.

Now, guys, we got to
dig a little deeper.

Oh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, look at this.

Look at this. Shall we?

You're going.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, you guys are going, right?

No. Get in the car and leave.

No, we' c Ping with.

Don't glom onto this.

Hi, you guys.

Hey, you brought some friends.

No.
No. No, not friends. Hobos.

Yeah. Come on in. The
more, the merrier.

You guys up for some tennis?

ALL: Yeah!

Yeah. You got booze?

You got food?

You got stuff to eat?

All right.

(Dennis grunts)

All right, Frank, I'll play
on Ruby's team, and over the

course of the game, I'll subtly extract
her plan to humiliate Charlie.

I'll get her.

Oh, yes, I will definitely have her.

Whoa, whoa, Dennis, you're
not gonna hit on her, right?

Huh? No, no.

Look, you sounded like you
were gonna try to bang her.

I'm not gonna hit on her, okay?
I'm not gonna try and bang her.

- Don't. Don't do it.
- Just, will you trust me?

(Dennis grunts)

Whoa!

Come on! Come on, Frank!

Oh, hey, stay on that side
when the ball comes to you.

No.

Ball!

Damn it!

Hey, yo, Ruby.

Time out, time out.

Let's take a little break.

Yeah?

Let's take a little breather.

I thought you said you
were good at this.

I am good.

It's just, you know, this shirt
is, like, ridiculously-tight,

and it's restricting my play, so, I
think I'm just gonna pop it off.

Oh.

What do you think about this?

About what?

What I'm presenting you.

I think you look really pale.
Do you need some sunscreen?

Well, it's the first of the season.

I haven't had a chance to get
a base going, you know...?

Dennis? Dennis?

What do you think of the pecs?
What do you think of...?

- Dennis?!
- What?

Come here!

Give me a second, all right?

What?

I thought you said you
weren't gonna hit on her.

Am I hitting on her?

Yeah.

Oh, shit. Okay.

No, you're right.

Okay, I went into default mode.
My bad.

Yeah, all right.

Hey, do I look pale?

♪ Company, always on the run
Destiny is the rising sun... ♪

What the hell is she doing?!

She's gonna ruin this whole thing!

♪ That's why they call me ♪ Bad
company Zee, zah, da, da... ♪

♪ And I can't deny... ♪

I love how free and
uninhibited you are.

(slurring words): Oh, yeah?

How about I free that big
fat snake in your pants and

uninhibit myself all over it?

(Sweet Dee belches)

What?

Let's hump.

Oh.

Whoops.

Hey, guys.

Whoa! Whoa!

Shit. No. No.

Oh, sorry. He... You startled me.

That's a pretty good stance you got there.
Are you trained?

(Sweet Dee scoffs)

I spent some training, yeah.

You?

Yeah. Krav Maga.

(scoffs) That's cool.

Judo, karate.

I got more of a Catholic
thing going on.

You know, sort of the hand of God.

Stupid idiot. Get out here!

Beat it. We were in the
middle of a thing.

No, no. That was really cool.

Could you show me that last move again?

(imitates wind whistling)

Get out of here! Go on!

Get of here!

We're in the middle of some...
the middle of something.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, whoa,
whoa, hey, hey, whoa.

Ow.

Sorry you got a cramp.

(laughter)

Oh, she's really digging her
hooks into him, mm-hmm.

What a bitch.

(phone ringing)

Ugh! Hold on a second.

Oh, the same person keeps calling me.

I'm just gonna answer it.

Hello. Who is this?

Who? Who is...?

I don't know that name.

Who? Who?

Oh, oh, Waitress.

Why didn't you just say that?

Uh, because my name is not Waitress.

Okay, you know what?

It doesn't even matter.

Did Charlie steal my bike?

What are you talking about?

Charlie's been with me the entire day.

How did you get this number?

I changed it.

Look, I need my bike back,
because if I don't get it back,

I'm gonna lose my job.

Look, I don't... (mocking):
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ugh!

Hello? Hello?

God! I'm gonna have to change
my number again... Holy shit.

Oh, no.
Frank, I just realized something.

What?

Without Charlie doing all those
insane things he's always

doing for the waitress, her life
is gonna completely change.

What do you mean?

Well, so, she's gonna be
constantly calling or dropping

by, looking for answers, so
there's a very good chance that

she's gonna have a front-row seat for
the final moment of humiliation.

And that's gonna destroy
Charlie for good.

What's the final moment of humiliation?

That's the climactic moment
where the rich people reveal

their twisted game to all their
wealthy friends, and everybody

has a good laugh.

Okay, Frank, here's what's
gonna have to happen.

You're gonna have to do all of
those creepy things on Charlie's

list to keep the waitress from
poking around while this whole

thing runs its course.

What are you gonna do?

Phew!

I got something very important planned.

Come in! There's a problem!

I can't make head or tail of
Charlie's chicken scratch!

Just do the best you can, okay?

I can't... can't really talk right now.

Putting rat poison in her shampoo.

Just gonna make her hair fall out.
Crazy.

I don't know.

Look, the kid knows her
better than anybody else.

If he puts rat poison in her hair,
put rat poison in her hair.

Look, I'm busy. I can't talk.

What do you mean, you're busy?!

This is the whole thing, Dennis!

I'm just... I'm getting
some stuff done, okay?

Oh, shit!

I think she just came in.

(two beeps)

I'm getting another call.

Hold on, hold on. Hello?

Who? Who?!

Just say Waitress!

Look, has Charlie been poisoning me?

'Cause I've been... (beep)

Frank, you got to step it
up with that list, man.

This bitch is driving me nuts.

What happened?

Just, I'm busy, okay?

Just do it.

(beep)

Hello?! Hello?! (grunts)

Hello?

Charlie?

No. It's your neighbor.

(sighs)

(Frank yells)

(Waitress screams)

Can I be, like, perfectly honest
with you about something?

Yeah.

There's a... there's a girl who
lives in this building, and,

um, well, she's... she's
the love of my life.

Okay.

And, uh... and I like you so
much that before we move any

further, I just... I don't know.

I had to get that out there,
'cause I think I'm ready to let

her go, but I just have to be sure.

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Charlie? There you are.

Look, I don't know what kind of
twisted game you're playing, but

you need to make it stop.

Whoa. Hold on a second.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Really? Because someone's been
poisoning me, and something

is making my hair just fall out.

Look, calm down, all right?

I-I... I've been with her
the last couple days.

I really haven't been
anywhere near you.

Yeah, he's been with me.

Oh, shut up, bitch!

Who the hell is this, Charlie?!

Hey! No. She...

She's my girlfriend.

Oh, my God.

Sorry about that.

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

I'm sorry about that. Wow.

(grunting, groaning)

How's this, Trevor?

Is this cool?

Very cool.

Get off me!

Shut up, Dee!

(grunts)

I got that stupid bitch.

(Sweet Dee yells)

Oh! Goddamn it!

Goddamn it! Oh!

Clocked him.

Oh! Oh... Oh, no... Amazing!

You guys are out of control.

I'm out of control.

I'm out of control.

Yeah, you are.

Hey, I want to invite you two to a
party at our estate tomorrow night.

My father's going public with TaftCo.

Oh, well, then... are you
sure you want him to come?

(chuckles): Of course.

He's practically family.

Hey!

Come on, show me some
more of those moves.

Oh, yeah. Okay, well, this
next stuff I learned from a

wrestler called The Maniac.

So we're gonna have to go ahead
and get pretty oiled up.

Sure.

Great.

(classical music playing)

This is classy as shit, huh?

(grunting)

Dee, crack that open for me,
'cause it's hurting my hands.

Yeah. I wonder why he didn't
tell us it was black-tie.

I feel like we're underdressed.

Because, Dee, Trevor loves us for us.

Hey.

Oh, hey!

Glad you guys could make it.

Thanks, man! How you doing?

These are a few of my
old frat brothers.

This is Dee and Mac that
I was telling you about.

Hi.

What's up, boys?

How are you? (laughs)

Hey, um, I'm sorry that we're
not dressed appropriately.

I mean, you guys all look so good.

Oh, well, the attire at these
sorts of events are... well,

things my friends and
I take for granted.

Don't be embarrassed, though.

You guys didn't know any better.

No, I should've known better, 'cause
I'm practically a Taft myself.

My uncle's probably built into
the foundation of this place.

Really? Weird.

Hey, where do you want us to sit?

Well, you guys'll be out here
with some of my frat brothers'

guests.

(chuckles)

Now, if you'll excuse us, we all
have some catching up to do.

Oh, yeah. We'll... we'll meet you af...
we'll see you after.

Kind of weird, right?

Yeah, but at least we can make fun of
these dorks all night long, right?

That'll be fun. Geeks!

(gasps): Oh, no, Mac.

I see what's going on here.

He's doing to us what I like to
do to Charlie and the waitress.

Huh?

Oh, no. Follow me.

OTHERS: Oh!

I got that stupid bitch.

(Sweet Dee yells)

Oh! Goddamn it!

OTHERS: Oh!

Man, biggest losers ever.

You know it.

Oh!

OTHERS: Oh!

That's two for one, fellas.

Come on, pay up, pay up.

Those two are by far the worst
we've ever had. Let's go.

Goddamn it.

I can't believe it.

That's a tough pill to swallow.

What are you doing here?

You know, they're not the only ones
who know how to play these games.

Huh?

What?

I'm saying I also know...
I have a thing.

Just come with me. Come with me.

All right, folks, if you
could settle down, please?

If I could have your attention.

Uh, thank you all for
being here tonight.

I, uh, I wanted you all here
so that I could tell you this.

I've decided to go public with
TaftCo Enterprises. (chuckles)

Wonderful! Oh, bravo!

Excuse me. Fantastic, Neil!

Good for you! Good for you!

Too bad when you do, the SEC's
gonna be all up in your ass.

(crowd murmuring)

What?

You see, you thought you all
could get together and play your

little games, have some fun, you
know, invite some geeks to the

ball, swap some stories, have a laugh.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

But you took it a little too far...
when you gave an

inside-trading tip to my friend
Mac, didn't you, Trevor?

What are you talking about?

Pedro.

And by the way, my father's
going public with TaftCo next

week, so buy stock today at 34, not 36.

(crowd gasps)

Cool. Yeah, I'll call my broker.

Right, call your broker.

Ooh... you ready for
round two, big guy?

This-this is taken out of context.

What was the context?

Wrestling.

It's wrestling.

We're oiled up and wrestling.

What is so hard to
understand about this?!

(grunting)

(crowd gasps)

(grunting, laughing)

(crowd gasping)

Nice, huh?

Trevor... you imbecile!

Why would you tell him that?

I didn't know I was being filmed.

If you're in my room,
you're always being filmed.

It's true.

It's his thing, it's kind of creepy, but...
But that's not all, everyone.

You see, Ruby Taft, she likes to play
her little games, too, don't you Ruby?

But I am not gonna let you
humiliate my other friend either.

Cause he might be choosing
someone else after all.

Charlie, phone call for you.

Charlie, somebody
accidentally hit the waitress

with my car-- their car, when
they were following her.

No... she wants to talk to you.

She says she really needs you.

Wait, did she say that, or
are you just saying it?

Yeah, talk to her yourself.

Charlie, look, I don't know
what's been going on, but if you

think you can make it
stop, I need your help.

I want you back in my life.

Do you really mean that?

Yeah.

I need you.

Okay. I'll be right there.

Awesome. Well, I'm out of here.

What? What are you talking about.

I'm leaving.

I'm going to be with the
waitress-- she's the woman I love.

No, but I... I wasn't using
you like Charlie was.

He's a total asshole.

I really, really, really like you.

Oh.

Yeah, I know.

Okay? I was using you.

That's why I kissed you
in front of the waitress.

That's why I banged you a bunch
of times, just to make the

waitress jealous.

Amazing. You slept with
me almost instantly.

And by the way, a quality
woman doesn't do that.

She doesn't say yes right away.

She says no to a man, for
years, like, ten years.

That's what a real woman does, okay?

You know what you were acting like?
A stupid little rich slut.

And that's all that you are.

(sobbing): How can you do this to me?

Are you still talking?

Go away, dumb-dumb.

Go run and hide. Go from me.

I don't want to see you anymore.

(laughs): Women, right?

Ah, man, all right, cool.

I'm out! All right!

I didn't see that coming.

No.

Guess Charlie had the cruelest
intentions of all, huh?

Uh, see? Feeling better?

Yeah.

You know, I-I've, um, I've been
thinking about the restraining order.

You're gonna get rid of it?

(laughs): No. No, no.

But, um, but I was thinking
about reducing it from, like, a

hundred feet to, like... 50 feet?

Awesome! Okay.

Okay.

I can work with that.

All right.

Oh, so now? Starting now?

Yeah, probably.

Could you just leave the soup there?

Uh... is this okay over here, or...?

(laughs): Uh, I don't think there's
50 feet in this room, so...

I'll go down the hall. Okay.

I'll see you tomorrow.

All right, well, that's fine.

From a distance, though.