It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 3 - The Maureen Ponderosa Wedding Massacre - full transcript

DENNIS: Oh, God!

(screams)

(panting)

CHARLIE: Run!

MAC: Where are you guys?!

(screams)

(Frank groans)

What's happening?!

FRANK: Over here!

Over here!

Frank!

Where are you?

Frank!

Charlie!

Oh, my God!

(all shouting)

Over here.

We're all here?!

We're all here?!

Guys!

(siren whoops)

Stop!

Stop where you are!

You four got some explaining to do.

(thunder rumbling)

I got 15 different wedding
guests out there with various

degrees of injury.

I got a groom...
face is half gone!

And I'm still missing a bride.

I don't know what happened back
there, but we are innocent.

We're completely innocent.

Yeah, well, you four bozos are
the only people on the scene

that weren't invited.

So you can see how bad this looks.

Now, who is
Mr. Dennis Reynolds?

Oh, that's me.

Hmm, hello, Dennis.

Those are some interesting
marks on your neck.

Let me guess.

Ex-wife's getting remarried,
you get a little jealous.

Get your buddies together, you
decide to break up that party.

So you crash the wedding, get a little
tipsy, things take a violent turn.

No, no, no, look.

That is the exact opposite
of what I wanted to happen.

I wanted to make sure that
that wedding happened!

Why is Maureen getting married
in the middle of the woods?

I don't know.

Some people find the
woods romantic, I guess.

And why get married on Friday the 13th?

It's a monster day.

I don't know and I don't care.

I just want to make sure
the wedding happens.

I'm tired of paying alimony.

Well, we got your back, bro.

Don't worry about that.

I don't need you to have my back.

Three people crashing a wedding...
it's gonna make a scene.

Why couldn't you just
let me do this alone?

Just don't like getting bussed up there.

I feel like we're gonna be trapped.

I don't, I don't like any of this.

Oh, no.

No, no.

I don't like this place already.

This is a strange place, right?

I'm seeing a lot of bats.

Yeah, there's bats everywhere.

You know why?

'Cause it's Friday the 13th.

No, no, no, stop.

Will you stop with that?

It's not because it's Friday the 13th.

We're in the woods.

Stop being paranoid.

Still, this is creepy.

I mean, who gets married
in a spot like this?

Oh, Jesus Christ!

You guys crashing my wedding?

Wait.

What?!

You?!

Wait, Liam, you're marrying Maureen?

Big-time.

Don't be jelly.

What the hell is going on here?

What's your angle?

Oldest angle in the book, my friend.

(grunts): Love.

I don't buy this, okay?

I thought you were in love with Ryan.

What's your brother think about all this?

Ryan's dead to me.

Do you hear me?

He's dead!

So, I take it he doesn't approve?

That's a negative, Ronald McDonald.

Now, I'd ask you guys to leave,
but I'm just too damn happy.

(groans weakly)

See you bitches on the dance floor.

I don't like this, okay?

This is a McPoyle-Ponderosa
wedding.

This is, this is bad.

Look, look, if you're gonna
be here, I need your support.

You need to help me make sure this
wedding goes off without a hitch.

Hold on. What made you think
this wasn't gonna happen?

Mac had heard there were some people
there who wanted to ruin the wedding.

Who?

Him.

(groans): Ah!

That is bullshit!

I was there to support my buddy.

That was a swervy road.

SWEET DEE: Yeah.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, my God, I knew it.

You're here to break up this wedding.

What are you talking about?

I'm here to support my
friend, Bill Ponderosa.

I'm his AA sponsor!

Bullshit!

You two love the fact that I have
to pay alimony the rest of my life.

You love the power you have over
me with this financial burden.

You know what, Dennis, not
everything is about you, okay?

I am here to support Frank.

No, you two are here to make a scene.

Oh!

If anybody's making a scene, it's you!

(grunts)

Ow! Ow!

I just got tagged by a bat!

He got you.

I got tagged!

Suck out the poison, Dee!

I'm not sucking on your head.

Suck it out!

I'll give you $200, you suck it out.

$200? I'll do it!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'll do it for $200.

Suck it quick.

What are you...?

This is the kind of thing
that I was talking about!

Suck it harder!

Go home, please!

Suck it harder!

I got it.

Did you swallow it?!

Of course I swallowed.

Make yourself throw up!

Yeah, you swallowed the poison!

Get it out! Get it out!

Vomit! Vomit!

What are you doing?!

There is no poison from a bat!

No! You are gonna ruin this!

You're all gonna ruin this!

(Sweet Dee retching)

You all right?

It won't come, Frank.

Deandra.

Yeah?

Let's go break up this wedding.

Whoa, stop, stop!

So you were there to break up the wedding.

Shit.

Did I just say that part?

Yeah.

Why did you want to break up the wedding?

For all the things he just said.

That was accurate.

But it wasn't just our idea
to break up the wedding.

Not at first.

Last week, we had a visitor at the bar.

(door creaks)

(thunder cracks)

They have to be stopped.

The McPoyle bloodline's been pure
and clean for a thousand years.

This marriage is an abomination.

Now, when you say "pure and clean
," uh, you mean what, exactly?

Means we haven't bred
outside the bloodline.

For a thousand years?

Yeah.

That makes a lot of sense.

Dennis knows Maureen better than anyone.

Only he can talk her out of this.

The last thing Dennis wants to
do is break up this wedding.

But we do.

(thunder cracks)

Okay, I brought a disguise.

Meh!

They're gonna know who you are.

This will work.

Now sneak me in so we can go kill Maureen.

Kill?

Who said anything about killing anybody?

No one's killing anyone.

We'll sneak you in to Liam so
you guys can talk or bang or

whatever it is you want to do.

Frank!

Frank!

Oh, thank God you're here, man.

I am not gonna make it.

I am itching to get blitzed.

Weddings are a big trigger for me, man.

Why are you telling me this?

You're my sponsor, Frank.

Come on.

My support system.

Oh, right, right, right.

Of course.

So, do whatever you feel is best.

Well, I feel it would be
best if I pounded a beer.

I'll support that decision.

I wish I could.

I mean, it's a dry wedding,
for God's sakes.

They're serving milk.

I feel like maybe I should do
some drugs then, you know?

That bad?

You earned it.

Yeah.

You do whatever you feel like.

You're a good person.

Frank.

Mm.

Cool, cool.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Diddly Dee.

Miss me?

Don't answer that.

All right.

Catch you guys later.

You're a bad sponsor.

Why?

I supported every decision
he wanted to make.

Stop wasting time!

Ow! God!

Let's go find Liam.

Shit!

Don't hit me.

(somber classical music playing)

Things have already taken a bit
of a dark turn, it would seem.

Yeah.

Okay, I need to get to Maureen
before Frank and Dee.

All right?

Oh, we'll come with you.

No, just hang back.

I got this, okay?

Dude, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah.

We could definitely get laid here.

Huh? What?

Maureen, I need to speak with you.

Dennis!

OMG, what are you doing here?

Well, uh, I have reason to
believe that someone is here to

destroy this special day for
you, so I'm sure to make sure

that doesn't happen.

That is so sweet, Dennis.

I also brought along some legal
documents, so if we could

just wrap this up lickety-split.

Legal documents? What?

Yeah, I realize my timing is a
little unorthodox, but, uh, I

figure what better way to make
sure your union is totally

complete than by having you sign these
documents that I need you to sign?

So if I can just get your
signature right here, and I'll

run up and get Liam's signature,
and this'll be on the books and

your wedding... Muh!

My Maureen, you've...
you've enhanced yourself.

Yeah, I got my tooth fixed.

I'm talking about your tits!

You big, giant new titties, Maureen!

Why would you do that now?

Why not when we were
together when I could've...?

I told you I was willing to change.

Yeah, but I didn't know
you meant physically,

that you would change physically.

Why weren't you more
clear with me, Maureen?

All right, you know what?

I'm not gonna get distracted.

Just, just sign right here... Wait!
What are you doing in here?!

You can't see the bride
before the ceremony!

No, no!

Get out!

I just need her to sign this!

No! Get out of here!

Wait, wait, wait! Maureen!

No matter what happens, you
got to go through with this!

Out!

Liam is your destiny, Maureen!

Oh, here he comes.

I didn't get it.

I mean, I'm so close, I'm so close.

Do you know where Liam is?
Maybe I can get his signature first.

I didn't see him anywhere.

I'm sorry, but I got to bring this up.

Things are getting really weird.

I mean, check out Pappy McPoyle.

(yelling incoherently)

What is that all about?

I'll tell you what that's all about.

Zombies.

Zombies?

I seen it once before in a rat,
and I seen it now in men.

Once one gets a taste for its own
kind, it can spread through

the pack like a wildfire.

Mindlessly chomping and
biting at their own hinds.

Nothing but the taste of
flesh on their minds.

You know the thing about a rat?

It's got life in its eyes.

Black eyes like a doll's eye.

Don't seem to be living at
all when it come at ya.

Till it bites ya.

And then the eyes roll over white.

You don't hear nothing but the
screaming and the hollering.

What are you doing?!

Are you doing the speech from Jaws?

- Nah...
- Are you doing Jaws?

We don't have time for this shit.

This is serious.

Look, it wasn't zombies, okay?

Really?

Yeah.

Then you explain what happened next.

Okay, it's time to get out of here.

I mean, look at that guy.

The McPoyles sprung from
my loins, fully formed!

One of them babies tried to eat me!

I ate him first!

(sobs): I ate him first!

Okay, I'm with Charlie.
I'm leaving.

Wait.
You guys are just gonna leave?

You're gonna, you're gonna go?

Yeah, we're out.

You know what?
I don't give a shit.

Yeah, go, go, go.
Yeah, get the hell out of here!

I didn't want you here in the first place!

Yeah, I understand the McPoyle
bloodline's very strong.

Legions of us thousand sturdy
ones ruled this fine land.

Our bloodline was as pure
as the driven snow.

Mm-hmm. And then what happened?

Syphilis killed about half of us.

Mm.

Mongoloidism got most of the rest.

Right.

Yep.

Well, there's somebody inside who
wants to talk to you about this.

Mm?

Who's this guy?

Ryan!

We need to talk!

We'll leave you guys alone.

Let them hash it out themselves.

It'll bust up.

(gasps)

(guttural groaning)

(screeches)

What the hell is that?

Holy shit.

(guttural groaning)

I'm gonna go.

No, no, no, Deandra!

What?

- No, you gotta stay!
- I don't have to stay.

You gotta finish this.

Uh, I'm not going to.

But we're not done!

Don't, don't go out there!

Deandra!

And we never saw Dee again.

Oh, no.

No.

We saw Dee.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's when the shit
started hitting the fan.

Oh, look, there's Dee! Dee!

Dee! Don't go down there!

Do not go down there!

We just got attacked by
a bunch of zombies!

Yeah, and the shuttle bus is gone!

A zombie must have stolen your car!

Your car is gone!

There's no way out of here!

There's no way out!

(Dee growls)

What are you doing?

(screams)

(screaming continues)

She's infected! She's infected!

Liam? Liam?!

Liam! Hello, Liam?

Frank?

Hi, Dennis. (Cackles)

What did you do with Liam?

You're too late.

He's getting talked out of it!

Ha-ha-ha!

Get out of my way.

No!

Get out of my way, Frank!

(gagging)

Hey, man.

What are you guys doing?

I'm begging Liam for forgiveness!

It's time we move on.

Liam convinced me it's not

our blood that's being tainted.

It's us tainting the blood of others.

McPoyles will take over the world!

Goddamn it! It backfired!

Wonderful.

And first step towards
that is signing this.

So Liam, if you'd just
sign right there, please.

Just sign right there.

Go ahead.

You got it.

Stupid asses.

(Dennis laughs)

One down, one to go. (Laughs)

Nice try, Frank.

What the hell is going on?

Get the hell out of the way.

Get out of the way!

Jesus Christ!

We gotta get out of here.

I'm not going anywhere, Frank.

I'm not going anywhere till
I get that signature.

(Dee screaming)

Go, go, go!

(both gasping)

Hey, dude, check it out.

Remember when Dee, you know,

she sucked that bat poison

or whatever out of Frank's
head from the vampire bat?

Yeah.

That must be what turned
her into a zombie.

Why would a vampire bat
turn you into a zombie?

You're mixing up your horror genres.

If anything, it would
turn you into a vampire.

Right or a bat, or a bat.

Or Batman.

No, a vampire turns you into a vampire.

A zombie turns you into a zombie

and Batman didn't get
turned into anything.

He just likes bats.

That can't possibly be
what Batman's about.

It's about a grown man who
dresses up like a bat?

And goes around solving
crimes and mysteries, yes.

These are Academy Award winning movies.

This is serious stuff.

Well, you know the Academy,
Charlie, I mean...

I know the Academy as well as anybody.

Sometimes, it's atrocious.

Well, to bring it all back

around, I think when Dee drank

the bat blood, that's how she got sick.

Frank's blood.

Yes, but the bat juices.

You know, the bat saliva, bat rabies.

No, no, it's not...
Bat rabies, I buy.

Bat rabies.

Yeah.

Like the...
Dude, we got to get out of here.

Yeah, go.

Things had gotten completely insane.

Dennis was trying to get the
signature from Maureen, but we

were just trying to get
the hell out of there.

Oh, my God.

What the hell?

Frank, what the hell's going on?

Dude, we got to get out of here.

Where's Dennis?

I lost him.

You guys, I couldn't get it.

I couldn't get it.

She wouldn't sign it.

I couldn't get the stupid bitch to sign.

She didn't sign?

This has all gone bad.

It's gone terribly, terribly bad.

What did you do?

I did something bad.

I did something really, really
bad; guys, we got to get out of

here before everybody
finds out what happened.

Guys, I messed up.

I messed up bad.

(glass breaking)

All right, guys, let's
just make a break for it.

Which way?

ALL: One, two, three, go.

Come on, come on, this
way, this way, this way.

(screaming)

My face! My face!

My face!

One, two, three.

(screaming continues)

Oh, God!

Frank!

Over here, over here.

(indistinct yelling)

And then that's where you
picked us up, and honestly,

that's all that we know.

Yes.

So you're telling me that this
was a wedding full of zombies?

Yeah.

Well, bat rabies zombies.

Whatever.

There was weird incestuous
jealousies, we don't know what

was going on.

Bottom line, you got the wrong guys.
We're innocent.

Yes, we're totally innocent.

Marconi, we just picked somebody
up from the site who's

claiming to know what happened.

She was locked in a freezer.

Don't let her in here.

No, she's been infected.

I'm not infected, you stupid idiots.

No one was infected.

Here's what happened.

Let them hash it out themselves.

It'll bust up.

Yeah. (Gasps)

(hissing)

I'm gonna go.

Deandra.

(barking)

Dee's nuts.

What's the haps?

Here, have a sip, right
from the cow's titty.

You'll love it.

No, Bill, no.

I got to get out of here, okay?

Shit is going crazy.

No, don't go.

Party's just starting.

You got to have some.

Come on, try it.

Come on, it'll loosen you up a
bit, make your butthole hot.

How is drinking a glass of milk
going to loosen me up, Bill?

Well, I spiked the milk with
methylenedioxypyrovalerone.

What?

It's bath salts.

Yeah, yeah, it's like coke and
acid and meth all combined.

It's awesome.

Yeah, I get it.

So everyone here is on bath salts?

Yeah, pretty much.

Oh, my God, just move.

(bellows)

(laughs)

Bath salts?

The drug that makes people
eat each other's faces?

Wait, that would explain
the zombie behavior.

Right, okay, Dee, so you were on
bath salts and that's why you

went all nuts on us.

Now it makes sense.

That is not why I went nuts on you guys.

Huh?

I went nuts on you because of
what you assholes did to my

goddamn car!

(gasps)

Dude, when was the last
time you drove a car?

Don't worry about it, man.

I can drive; I remember how.

What?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, wait.

(screaming): No!

(horn honking)

(gasping)

(groaning)

What happened, dude?

What happened?

I forgot how to drive.

I forgot how to drive.

Oh, God.

Oh, look, Charlie, there's Dee.

Dee, don't go down that way.

We just got attacked by a
bunch of zombie people.

The shuttle's gone.

Zombies must have stolen your car.

There's no way out of here.

Dude... (screaming)

You sons of bitches!

You're gonna pay!

You're all gonna pay!

I'll kill you!

You assholes, you'll pay!

No, we won't pay.

We never do.

(laughs)

Okay, well, there it is.

You know, there's the whole story.

Ponderosa spiked the punch.

Somebody hopped up on bath
salts but Liam's face,

and, uh, case closed, you know?

Hey, good for you.

Good for us.

Bye.

Ba-da-bing.

Hey, whoa.

Sit down, slick.

Now that may explain some of the
shit that went on here, but it

doesn't answer the question
of the missing bride.

Since you're the one with
motive and the last one to be

seen with her, you're my new ?1 suspect.

No, no. (Scoffs)

That's... I didn't murder her.

Then tell me what happened to her!

I-I don't know.

I don't know.

Listen, if you confess, I
can help you, but you got

to tell me what happened.

Okay, all right, all
right, all right. Okay.

Look, if I tell you what I did,
will you just help me, please?

Because I need help.

I'll see what I can do with the
DA, but I need you to confess.

Okay, fine.

Fine.

I-I was just going to see her to
get the final signature so I

could put this whole thing behind me.

When I saw her...
Something bad happened.

Something very bad.

(groaning)

(panting)

Oh, shit.

Oh, God, Maureen.

That was terrible.

Who did those tits?

The nipple placement is crazy.

- I love you, Dennis Reynolds.
- No, you don't.

I love you.

No, look, you're just gonna
sign these papers and we're

gonna be done with this, okay?

Never.

Let's run away together.

Oh, I'm gonna run away, but not with you.

I'm gonna find you.

Oh, no, no, you're not
gonna find me, no, no.

We can't do this, Maureen.

Oh, no, please.

What have I done?

Oh, God, what have I done?

(sobbing): Oh, God.

Oh, God!

So all that shit about us
ruining the wedding...

And the zombies and the bath
salts and the blood...

It turns out you blew it yourself.

Yeah, congratulations, Frank.

You win.

I'm gonna be paying alimony to that
crazy bitch for the rest of my life.

You expect me to believe this
woman's gonna throw her entire

life away just to sleep with her
ex-husband on her wedding night?

Huh?

Really?

Mr. Reynolds,
you're free to go.

What?

Why am I free...?

No.

Yes.

No.

Someone posted your bail.

Come on, silly head.

Let's go home and put this
whole adventure behind us.

No.

No!

No!

No, you got to help me.

What have I done?

You got to help me!

What have I done? No! No! No!