It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 2 - The Gang Recycles Their Trash - full transcript

SWEET DEE: I cannot believe how
bad it's gotten back here.

DENNIS: We should have
gone in the front.

MAC: The front's worse.

Oh, God, it stinks so bad!

I can't believe the trashmen can strike
in this economy. It's unbelievable.

It should be against the law.

Is all of this our trash?

We generate a ton of it.

It's a sad throwaway
culture we're living in.

Mm, it's true.

I feel like you guys have done
something like that before?

Have we?

Shut up, bird.

(Dennis laughs)

It's just not that funny.

CHARLIE: Uh, look out.

Ooh! Whoa!

What are you doing,
keeping trash in here?!

Take it outside.

There's no more room outside.

FRANK: Can you believe
these trash bozos?

They make $20 an hour and they want more?

20 bucks an hour?

That's an outrage!

These guys are blasting us in the ass.

Yeah, I mean, we pay their
salaries, and they turn around

and ass-blast us? Come on.

What are you talking about?

You don't pay taxes.
You don't even vote.

Who am I supposed to vote
for, the Republican who's

blasting me in the ass or the Democrat
who's blasting me in the ass?

Yeah, politics is all
one big ass-blast.

This doesn't all sound
familiar to you guys?

If these jerks don't want to do
their job, I say we do it for 'em.

The trash business is a gold mine.

Yeah, Frank's right.

Let's pull up our bootstraps,
oil up a couple asses and do

a little plowing of our own.

Pow!

Not gay sex.

Okay, yeah.

It seemed like... What
are you talking about?

We're gonna solve the trash crisis.

Oh!

All of this, I've heard
all of this before. No?

Shut up, bird.

(both laugh)

All right, it's a simple plan.

Matt, Dennis, Charlie, you rent
the van, you drive to rich

people's homes, you tell them that
you'll pick up the trash for a fee.

Then you take the trash to a dump in
New Jersey where there's no strike.

Meanwhile, I dress Dee up like
a whore, get a city official,

bribe him, and make him give us the
contract, undermining the trash unions.

Any questions?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Charlie.

We've gone to door-to-door in a van
before, and that didn't work out for us.

This is gonna work, trust me.

Mac?

I think it's gonna be hard to
hang off the back of a van

like the trash guys do.

Can we just get a trash truck?

No, you don't want to be caught scabbing.

Get a van. Dennis?

I don't want to be a trashman.

I'll bribe the city official with you.

I need a lady whore. Dee?

Yeah, I've done the whore thing before.

I don't care for it.

I won't be doing it again.

The whore thing worked.

You just didn't listen to me.

How many times have we done
this kind of thing before?

A lot.
We've done things.

We've done stuff like this all the time.

Yeah, once or twice.

And how often do they work out?

Well, come on.

It doesn't always work out.

How often should it work out?

Almost never.

That's because you don't listen to me.

This time we do it my way.

Okay, I'm a little confused.

So, Frank is the brains and
you're just the looks now?

And I'm still the wild
card, so that's good.

No, no, guys, we're forsaking
the group dynamic, okay?

And truthfully, Charlie, come on.

I mean, (sighs) nobody
wants a wild card, okay?

It doesn't make any sense.

We don't want a maniac in our group.

There's no benefit to it.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, I feel like you just agreed
with me, but you weren't

listening to what I was saying.

Yes.

You pointed at me like I said
something, but I didn't.

Oh, good.

Charlie, having somebody making
wild decisions that make

no sense, that benefits nobody.

Oh, yes.

Right, yes.

Is he listening to us?

I can't tell.

He's listening.

He's not understanding.

Yeah, he doesn't even like, get us, man.
It's... We're talking about you.

Oh.

Okay, let's move on from it.

What do you think is happening right now?

Guys, it doesn't matter.

It's good.

We'll sort this out later.

It doesn't matter, guys, because
I have no love for this plan.

I just don't want to be a trashman.

Yeah, and guys, if I'm being
honest, there's no way that I

can hang off one of the back
of these, just simply no way.

Yeah, what would you hang onto?

Let's bail on plan.

Let's bail on it.

I don't want to do it.

Wait, wait, but that's
the whole thing, right?

We can't just quit.

Like, we have to see Frank's
plan all the way through.

That's what he wants us to do.

Okay, all right, fine.

We'll do Frank's plan.

But I think I have a tweak that is
gonna solve both of our problems.

This is what I'm talking about, Charlie.

Oh, yeah.

See, we're still doing Frank's
plan; we're just improving on it.

Yeah, we... absolutely.

Look, the man's got good plans.

It's the specifics are outdated.

They're old... You know?

They're very outdated.

Yeah, sure, in the 1950s, yeah,
you could drive around door to

door in a windowless van, and people
didn't think they were gonna get raped.

Now, th-they will think that.

Yeah.

This is better.

I know, and plus with the
tuxedos, you know, honestly, who

wouldn't want their trashman in a tuxedo?

Absolutely.

I know I would.

There's plenty of room in
the back for the trash.

You know, the real trashmen
don't know we're scabbing.

Good plan.

It's a good plan.

Wonder how Max is doing back there.

I can't believe you never listen to me.

You're supposed to look like a whore.

The whore-politician
is outdated, Frank.

That is an idea that's
best left in the trash.

I am presenting myself as a powerful lady.

You're presenting yourself as a banana.

Okay, you know what, I'm here
and I'm doing your plan.

I'm just doing it my way.

Well, at least sex it up a little bit.
Open some buttons.

I don't want to. Stop it.

Get off me!

Show some skin.

Stop it, Frank!

St... Oh, great!

This is nice. This doesn't
look powerful or sexy.

Now it looks good.

Great job, Frank!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'm running a little bit late.

Now, I understand that you guys
wanted to get a bid to undermine

the waste manag... I know you guys.

Oh, shit.

This ain't gonna work.

You know this guy?

It's the gay guy who
wanted to buy Paddy's.

Oh, yeah, you fired me
from the Oldies Rock Café.

Huh, I did not picture this guy
getting recycled back into the mix.

So much for the sex appeal angle.

I don't know, Frank, why don't
you sex it up a little?

What do you mean? Get off.

Get off of me, get off of me.

Why don't you sex it?

How about you be the whore?

How about you be the whore, huh?

Get off me.

Why don't you show some skin?

Please... Stop it.

Get off of me.

Huh? He likes it like that.

Stop it.

Oh, do it, show some skin.

Knock it off, you lousy bitch.

Stop it!

(panting)

What are you doing?

Uh... you like what you see?

Hmm?

♪ I still got the moves... ♪

(humming)

Okay.

Now, guys, we've done something
like this before, so we should

be able to do it better this time around.

Right.

Now, right off the bat, Charlie, were you
planning on doing an accent of any kind?

Yes.

Me, too.

You guys were both
planning on doing accents.

Yeah.
Of course.

Let's not do accents. That's
the kind of wild-card

stuff that always gets us into trouble.

All right, you know what?

Let's put all of our cards on the table.

Were you guys planning anything else?

I have a knife.
Why do you have a knife?

Uh, to make sure that the plan works.

Could be good.

Okay. The plan's gonna work.

Give me the knife.

All right.

Should I have the knife?
I should have the knife.

Somebody should... have the knife.

I'm afraid that if I don't have the knife,
then one of you will stab somebody.

And again, that's a wild card
thing; we don't want that.

Right.

That's what we're trying
to get rid of, right?

Right.

We don't want that.

Right, right, right, right...
Right, exactly.

So why don't... and also, why don't
you guys let me do the talking?

Well, hold... hang on.

You know, 'cause now you're...
look, you've done talking

before, and that hasn't always worked.

It hasn't worked because you
guys are always interrupting me.

We were always what?

I'll talk!
I'll talk.

Mac, you have an exceptional
number of bugs in your teeth.

You're gonna want to rinse
those out; it's disgusting.

Bugs?

Yes, bugs.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that what that is?

Yeah.

If you're going to ride back there,
ride with your mouth shut, man.

All right, listen.

I think I have a tweak where...
none of us does the talking.

(doorbell rings)

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ We bet you hate that smell ♪

♪ That small ♪

♪ That smell from all your trash ♪

♪ Your trash ♪

♪ We bet you'd like three charming
men to take your trash from you ♪

♪ From you ♪

♪ We have a limousine ♪

♪ A limousine ♪

♪ A limousine ♪

♪ That we can fill fill with trash ♪

♪ So please let us take
your trash from you... ♪

Wait, I have to stop you.

Damn it, Dennis.

I knew this wasn't gonna work.

No, the plan was good.

Charlie, you were sharp.

I was... You were a little sharp.

Guys, guys, the song was fine.

Did you say you would take my trash?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's... (laughs) Oh, my...
How much will it cost?

Oh, we didn't, um... $200...
Oh, that's fantastic.

Can we start now?

Yeah!

Yeah, sure.

One more time with the song?

No thank you. Just the trash.

I knew I wasn't sharp.

Let's go.

All right, let's do it, boys.

So how does this place tickle your fancy?

Why are we here?

Because you are a power bottom.

He's a what?

A power bottom.

I'm not having this conversation.

What do you want?

We can pick up the trash for
half the price of the union.

We want city contract.

Look, there's no way you're going to
undermine one of the biggest unions

in the city.

Moreover, both sides are incredibly
close to an agreement. So...

Well, you see anything you like here?

Maybe we can hook it up
and change your mind.

May I please leave?

I don't get it.

We take you to a titty bar
and you say no to us.

We bring you to this place with all these
juicy dongs, and you shut us down.

What team are you playing for?

Hold on a second, Frank.

I think I know what's going on here.

This man has been realigned.

He's a yestergay.

What's a yestergay?

A lot of men bounce around from
label to label never quite

finding their proper gay home.

My hunch is that this gentleman has gone
from a twink to a twunk to a twank.

What's a twunk?

Twink and a hunk.

A twink with muscles, but still hairless.

So smooth.

Oh, incredibly smooth.

A twank on the other hand.

Twank is no good.

That's a twink and a skank.

Essentially a ragdoll, just
being passed around from twink

to twunk to bear to otter.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's an otter?

Subsection of bear.

Still hairy, but where a bear generates
his power through sheer mass alone,

the otter generates his power
through extraordinary quickness,

cunning, and skill.

That is a lot to keep in your
head to maintain a lifestyle.

It's very difficult to maintain the
lifestyle of a twank versatile 'cause this

this often leads to a lot
of self-hatred and denial,

especially among the religious
or political types.

So they try and realign their
sexual orientation through therapy.

So he's not gay anymore?

Well, that's a hotly
debated topic, isn't it?

I, for one, am of the belief
that some things can't be thrown

in the trash, Frank.

And your sexuality is one of them.

I totally agree.

Some cocks can't be unsucked.

So is it a case of forgetting,
or is it denying?

Neither.

Still gay.

You still here?

I thought you'd be gone by now.

I can't.

You're pointing a gun at me.

Oh, I forgot.

(uncocks gun)

Well, I guess we'll be
the ones to slink away.

Dee...

(all laugh)

Whoo! All right.

Are you guys having fun?

Yeah! This is my dream.

Are you guys loving this or what?

Great, because I'm not.

Me neither.

Yeah, I'm not loving it.

You know, I used to love trash, but this
is just not how I wanted this to go.

No, not at all.

Look, yes, we're making lots
of money, and that's great,

but our tuxes are ruined and our limousine
is covered in trash and seagulls.

(gull caws)

The gulls are shitting all over me.

Oh, look, we've essentially
become garbagemen.

That's what I was trying to avoid.

Guys, can I make a suggestion?

Hmm?

I don't want to do Frank's plan anymore,
so I say we just quit right now.

Let's quit it.

Yeah, but I still have a
lot of energy... Me too.

...and I would like to
take one of our old plans

out of the trash and recycle it.

You want to sell gas door-to-door?

I've been thinking it the entire time.

That's what I was thinking.

Are you kidding me?

I've totally been thinking about that.

See, 'cause we're like...
Ya, ta, ta, ta ta!

Our friendship is like... It's strong.

We'd never blow that up.

That can't be trashed.

Never throw that out.

Guys, that gas idea was a great idea,
and it was trashed long before

it should've been trashed.

Yeah, I have one more suggestion.

Yeah?

Instead of taking that all
the way to New Jersey...

let's just dump it in a poor neighborhood

because they don't
mind living in their own filth.

Absolutely.

They don't know any better.

I mean, why else would they
choose to live like that?

They don't care?

They clearly don't care.

Let's do it.

Guys, the boys are back in town.

The boys are back in town.

The boys are back in town.

Uh!

♪ The boys are back in town... ♪

Oh... He just tried to kiss me.

Yeah, he did a little bit.

♪ The boys are back in town ♪

(applause)

Brothers, I got some good news:

We're going back to work.

(cheers)

The new contract is being
finalized as we speak.

Now, of course, we had to
make a few compromises.

FRANK: What kind of compromises?

Um, well, there were certain
issues that we had to deal with.

Issues? Certain?

Give me that.

Brothers, I don't know about
you, but I can't understand

this college boy's language.

Am I right?

We gotta have it in plain English.

Okay, sir, I was just getting to that.

He was just getting to that.

He's trying to confuse us with his fancy
language and his expensive podiums,

but we know the truth.

MAN: I don't.

Look, just let me finish.

This contract is bullshit.

We gotta keep the strike going.

MAN: Would you please just
let him finish his sentence?

But he's lying to us.

But he hasn't said anything yet.

Yeah, well, he's lying anyway.

Hey, y'all, it's me, Martina Martinez.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

These white boys is crazy, right?

Youse about to get screwed by your
city and your union, as well.

Okay, ma'am, if you just give me the
mic, please... Rape! Rape! Rape!

Oh, my... This white boy's got his hands
all over my beautiful brown body!

Thank you.

Now, why is it that my Latino
and my proud African brothers

got to be doing all the work
while these cracker-ass bitches

doing the negotiating?

(crowd murmurs agreement)

What are you doing?

Just go with it.

Let me ask you something.

Why we got to be the trashmen and
the maids and the gardeners, hmm?

Yeah!

Why we got to live next to the
trash dumps and the ghettos?

We deserve better!

Yeah!

When was the last time a
white lady pick up after you

when you threw your orange soda and
your grape sodas on the ground?!

You're losing them.

Uh, well, there's-there's...
Well, hold on a second!

What's happening over here?!

Oh, my God!

The white upper-class man
has no respect for us!

They're dumping their trash
in our neighborhood!

♪ So buy our classy gasoline
(Charlie scatting)

We got to go get them!

Yeah!

(clamoring)

(Sweet Dee shouting)

Go get them!

Go get them!

Let's go get them!

Let's go!

Hang on a second.

What's this all about?

(clamoring continues)

Now, that looks to me like
some sort of swarming mob.

Yeah, I know.

What are they so angry about though?

I don't know.

Something bad's about
to happen to somebody.

(laughter)

(clamoring continues)

Is it us?

Yep.

Yeah. Go, go, go.

Get in.

(clamoring continues)

Don't dump your trash in our
neighborhood, you rich prick!

Sorry! Sorry!

Right.

No to the contract!

Right? Right?

No to the contract!

What the hell were you guys
doing dumping down there?

Look, it would've been fine if
Dee hadn't incited a race war.

How was I supposed to
know it was you guys?

We were going back to
the old gas plan, okay?

Why?

Why don't you do my plan?

Why couldn't you guys just
grease that city council guy?

I mean, so what if he's gay, you know?

He zigs, you zag.

I would've gotten the contract.

Can we just forget about
the whole thing, please?

Let's just forget about it.

Can I get a beer?
Yeah, I'm on it.

I don't want to talk about it either.

Let me have a beer.

Yeah.

Yeah, beer me, beer me.

Yes, beers!

(Dennis sighs)

♪ ♪

(Frank grunting)

We should get rugs for the bar.

We should make rugs for the bar.

Make them?

I got a rug guy.

We could put on a show where
we play rug salesmen.

That's a good idea.

That would attract a great
amount of attention.

No, no way.

What, no, what?!

Guys, we give up way too easily.

Let me just jump onto the next thing?

What? That's insane.

Look, all we have to do is make
a couple adjustments, and this

plan can still work.

Dennis, if you want to be classy
and you're g-good with city

councilmen and you think
you can get him, great.

Be classy and bang the guy.

Go get him.

I'll get him, but I'm
not going to bang him.

He's a twink versatile.

You watch yourself.

Ooh, I wouldn't be able to satisfy him.

A twink versatile?

That's impressive.

Look, the point is, we got to
learn from our mistakes, right?

You know, make a couple adjustments.

Let's solve this trash crisis.

(tires screeching)

Okay, when we arrive, Dennis
will do all of the talking,

Frank and I will handle the refuse,
and Dee will take the wheel.

Then we can strap me onto the
back for the rest of the day.

Everybody's happy.

Yeah, guys, I can't believe it, but
I think this might actually work.

See, all we had to do was learn from
our mistakes and then work together.

Everyone got to contribute
something to the group as a whole.

What did you contribute?

Try the brakes.

Try the... Did you cut
the brakes again?

Yep.

Oh, Charlie.

Why would you do that, Charlie?

That's just what I do.

Wild card, bitches!

What?

Yee-ha!

(Dennis and Sweet Dee screaming)

Oh, my... We have no brakes.

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

What are you doing, what...?

That's that.

Whew, good call of getting
those brakes fixed, Mac.

Yeah, I saw that coming a mile away.

All right, now that we got
rid of our wild card, we can

actually see this thing through.

So, we good?

Oh, yeah, this is gonna be easy money.

Grab some trash, you bitches.

(Dennis laughs)

I'm telling you, this is gonna be great.

I feel like this is gonna work, I think.

(vehicle approaches, horn honks)

Guess the strike's over.

Goddamn it.

So, the rugs?

Yeah, the rugs.

Well, yeah, the rugs.

Yeah, it's always been the rugs.

Rugs are a great idea.
Of course it's rugs.

It's always been the rugs.

We should get a billboard.