It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 3 - Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties - full transcript

No, we never had
kings in this country.

No, I don't
think we ever had kings.

That was the whole point of this
country is that we didn't want a king.

We didn't want the king.

Son of a bitch!

Guys, guys, guys.

Oh.

Are you okay?

Oh!

Oh!

I think you broke your nose.

I'm screwed. I'm screwed. Ah!

Oh, strange man, titty bar.

A great investment opportunity.

Beauty pageant.

Are you getting it?

Yeah, yeah, I think I got this.

You met a strange man at a titty
bar who offered you a great

opportunity to invest
in a beauty pageant?

Everything looked very legit.

It was all in place.

He had all the connections.

He wanted somebody
to front the money.

Me. Okay, fine.

I've always wanted to
do a beauty pageant.

Stop. Why?

Because you make a lot of cash,
and you ogle some broads.

Yeah, I don't question
that aspect of it.

Yeah, that seems right
up your alley, bro.

Oh, this jerk gets pinched
for coming on to one of the

contestants, and now it
looks like a whole scam.

And if I don't legitimize this
thing, everybody's gonna think

I'm just like him.

Why don't you just
drop the whole thing?

I can't, Charlie.

It's already going.

It's in motion.

I mean, it's really a mess.

Any second now, there's gonna be broads
walking through that door in swimsuits.

Awesome.

That's a good thing.

Yeah, I don't see what the
problem is here, Frank.

Oh! Looks like somebody
forgot their swimsuit.

Come on, girls.

That's the problem.

A kids' pageant.

I didn't know...
Are you kidding me?

I didn't know it was
a kids' pageant.

The guy didn't make that clear.

Now I'm lumped in
with a diddler.

What am I gonna do?

This is a mess.

Well, I don't know
what the big deal is.

You know, I did pageants all
the time when I was little.

The big deal?

The big deal is that mothers
force their kids into this so

that they can dress them up like dolls
and parade them around like sex objects.

It's creepy.

My mother didn't
force me into it.

I entered them myself.

Yeah, that's true.

Actually, when Dee used to enter
pageants when we were kids, Mom

used to tell her not to waste her time,
because she isn't pretty enough.

Mm-hmm, she would say that, and
then I would jam it right in

her face when I'd win them.

How would you win pageants?

Did you have a different face?

No, she was a dog
back then, too.

It's just that
she worked at it.

She used to go to tanning, and you
know, she practiced with her makeup.

I'll give you that-- you did
a lot of that practicing.

Thanks, Frank.

Yeah, yeah, you guys got to change
your thinking about child pageants.

I mean, child pageants-- that's
American tradition right there.

Child pageantry.

Think about it.

In other countries, okay, women that
can't show their ankles, right?

They got to be in those big,
black tarps or whatever.

Mm.

In America, we can show toddlers
in tiny bikinis, we can

make them tan, because
that's our right.

Mm-hmm.

As Americans, okay.

Child pageantry is an essential
part of the American fabric.

You know what?

We should dress up our little kids
just to show other people that we can.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, I never thought
about it that way.

This is about
freedom, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

We can do whatever we
want with our kids.

Yeah.

And that's what
America is all about.

You know what you
just did, Charlie?

You just loaded up that train
with coal, and now it's ready to

tear down the tracks.

That was inspiring as hell.

Yes.

Let's throw ourselves a pageant!

Let's do a child pageant.

U.S.A.

U.S.A., U.S.A.,
U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!

Okay. Okay.

Thank you. Thank you. Good.

Thank... Calm down, everybody.

Calm down. Calm down.

Thanks for coming to
Frank's Little Beauties.

I want to thank you all
for participating.

I know some of you may have
heard about that other guy.

I am not gonna
diddle your kids.

I'm not like that.

That's not my thing.

I met that guy in a titty bar.

It's like a... That's enough.
That's enough.

Hi there. Dee Reynolds,
former pageant winner.

I know how these things work, so,
uh, your kids are in good hands.

Go ahead and talk
amongst yourselves.

Frank, will you...?

Frank, your nose is bleeding
all over the place.

Do I look suspicious?

You look grotesque.

♪ Magic night for us. ♪

♪ A magical night. ♪

Magic's in the air.

♪ Magic's... ♪

♪ Magic's in the air Skeedy-bow.
♪ Uh... See, this is fun.

Yeah.

We shouldn't be looking at
this pageant as a problem.

We should be looking at this as
an opportunity to do something

we've never done before.

This is right in our wheelhouse.

I'm having a blast putting this...
Hey, I'm thinking maybe we could

actually be in this thing?

I'm glad you said it, because I'm
desperate to be in this thing.

Oh!

I didn't realize it was
even a conversation.

I always assumed we would
be heavily involved.

This is bad.

We got to definitely write a song
about how we do not diddle kids.

♪ Do not diddle kids It's
no good diddling kids. ♪

There is no quicker way for
people to think that you are

diddling kids than by
writing a song about it.

You got to write a song.

It's just like... Ooh.

♪ I wouldn't do it with anybody Younger
than my daughter And no little kids.

♪ Got to be big Older than my
wife Older than my daughter. ♪

Something like that.

Don't write a song about that.

No.

I'm cloudy. I got a headache.

Uh, excuse me.

Who's in charge here?

Well, usually that's whoever
yells the loudest, but I am the

only one here right now,
so I am in charge.

Oh, hi.

Uh, my name is Walter Harris.

Hi.

I'm with the Family Association
for the Protection of Children.

No! Ooh, ooh.

Okay.

Uh, you know, I... I'm-I'm pretty much...
I'm in charge of this... the

chairs and... setting up...
the chairs.

Mm.

But there's a guy.

Uh, uh, there's a fat guy.

Well, his face is busted to bits, and he...
he's in charge.

He's-He's the guy that
you want to talk to.

He might be this way, so I'll go...
I'm gonna go back here and look for him.

Uh, you check it out
around the corner.

Real jacked up face and fat.

So, how's everyone doing today?

Is everyone feeling safe?

The F.A.P.C., huh?

That's what he said.

They're siccing the
dogs after us.

We're screwed.

Hey, we're fine, Frank.

We got nothing to hide.

Yeah, you know what?

To be honest with you, I'm
glad he's gonna observe us.

I mean, somebody should be
looking out for these kids.

Yeah, those mothers just left
their kids here in a bar with

complete strangers in a pageant
that's under investigation.

They're terrible parents.

Yeah.

This is a mess!

Frank, why don't you go lay
down and put some ice on your

face, 'cause you look terrible?

Yeah, Jesus, Frank, fix
your face, for God sake.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Relax. Go, go.

We'll take care of
everything in here.

Everything's gonna
be fine, Frank.

Yeah, we got it. We got it.

It's all gonna be fine.

Now you pinned the whole
thing on him, right?

Oh, yeah, of course I did.

Hey, good thinking.

Good. Good, good, good, good.

Okay, ladies, chins up,
hands down, step forward.

One, two, three, one, two.

Fan, turn. Hit it! Stick it!

Let me see it!

Pose!

Come on, hit the line.

Get in line. What is this?

Guys, we got to put on a show!

I thought you were
professionals.

That's what I'm looking for,
and I don't see professionals.

I see amateurs, I see trash, little
pieces of trash on my stage.

You guys are dummies.

It's not even hard.

You are dumb.

It's not hard.

Samantha's mean.

Samantha gets to be mean
because Samantha is a star, okay?

Maybe one day you'll be a star,
but right now you're not.

You're junk.

I have to go to the bathroom.

You belong in the bathroom.

Go!

Let's take a five,
let's take a break.

I'm so upset.

Are you okay?

You're doing great.

We'll be dressed very stylishly
for the performance.

It's going to be a great
performance, Walter, very classy.

I look forward to seeing it.

Just make sure that the
children are featured.

That is who this is about.

Yeah.

Yeah... it's about the kids.

Absolutely, all about
the kids, yeah.

Absolutely, yeah, no, totally.

Hey, Walter, you want
to come sit with us?

Yeah, come sit sith...
You lost him.

Hello, everybody.

He's all business,
that guy, you know?

He is all over us, man.

We got to put on a good
show, you guys, we got to.

Hello.

That was some pretty impressive
work out there, Samantha.

Excuse me, I'm eating my lunch.

Well, don't get sassy with me.

I'm trying to pay
you a compliment.

You know, I see a lot
of myself in you.

You're not like me.

You're ugly.

You don't-- that's not
something you say.

You're mean.

You're the meanest
girl in the world.

Okay, you know what?

You better thank your lucky
stars I'm not in this

competition because I would
eat you for breakfast.

You're driving me nuts.

I don't like your hair.

It's dumb.

Your hair looks like it's dead.

All right, that's it.

You listen to me.

All hair is technically dead,
you stupid idiot smarty-pants

stupid, stupid idiot.

You better watch
yourself, Samantha.

Do you hear me?

Because I am coming for you.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Terrible breath.

Wheezing.

Dude, you're wheezing now.

Slow down.

Breathe and eat separately.

This is what America is about,
okay, being able to eat

at any rate you want to eat.

Shut, shut up.

Stop making all of these
things about America.

You're fat not because of America...
Can we just change the conversation?

Can we just focus
on something else?

Did you guys see the
boy that's here?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, what's that all about?

I imagine Dad probably
skipped town.

Mom always wanted a daughter, so
she sticks her little boy in the

pageant, right, so she can play
out her little fantasies about

having a little girl.

That kid does not want
to be here, you know.

A kid like this needs guidance.

He needs real men showing him what it's...
Would you like to see my dance?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

Sure.

♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy A Yankee
Doodle, do or die A real live nephew.

Of my Uncle Sam... ♪

I don't think this boy is being
pushed into this at all.

This is a boy who genuinely
loves pageantry.

Yeah.

You know what?

I bet he's never
won one of these.

We should help him win.

Totally.

For once let's let the
boys in America win.

Well, maybe we could make a
few adjustments to the song,

maybe update it a little bit.

Yes, the song needs an update.

All these old patriotic
songs need updates.

Yeah, they're like
200 years old.

That's why nobody wants
to listen to 'em.

♪ I am The Yankee Doodle Boy. ♪

Hey, all right, hey.

All right, man.

Good job, Benjamin.

Hey, Justine.

Hey.

Hey, can we talk for
just a quick sec?

Yeah, I really need to do my homework, but...
Ah, I know, but I'm the adult

and I said we were gonna talk,
so that's what's gonna happen.

Listen, I bet you wish you could
win this pageant, don't you?

My mom says I'm not
pretty enough.

Your mom doesn't know dick.

She's a dumb, fat cow, and your
sister-- she is a stupid little

shit-mouthed bitch, isn't she?

You just said a
lot of bad words.

Here's what's gonna happen, Justine,
you are going to win this pageant.

You are gonna win this pageant!

And I am going to be the one
who pushes you to do it.

What do you think about that?

Are you excited?

Are you excited about that?

Yeah, I don't really
care about any of that.

I know, but it's not what you care
about, it's what I care about.

Okay.

Okay, ready?

Oh, we got a lot of work to do.

Screw this homework, right?

Come on.

So great to see you.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very...
Guys, Walter's here.

He looks very pleased.

Good, good, he should.

I mean, this is like...
Yeah, yeah.

Okay, good.

I'm here.

Oh.

What on earth did you
do to your face?

I had it done at a funeral home.

Why, why, why?

Where in the hell am I going to go-- to
the goddamn makeup counter at Macy's?

You go to a funeral home
to get gruesome repairs.

Look.

You look like you're
at your own wake.

Frank, Frank, I need some water.

My mouth is dry.

Your mouth is dry.

Go into the toilet and run
your mouth under the sink.

Okay.

Yeah, can I, could I, can I?

I have a... Who's that?

He's the mortician.

I invited him.

Oh, you brought the mortician.

Okay, well, that's not going to
seem strange to anybody at all.

I figure he's a cretin.

Why would I have a cretin like that
near me if I have something to hide?

Hmm... Associating with a man like
that's not going to make you

look any better.

Hey, hey, hey,
you're on in five.

Oh, whoa.

Artemis, what are
you doing here?

She's working the
soundboard, okay, relax.

Is that a good idea?

Does she know how to
work a soundboard?

Who else are we going to get?

We don't have a very
deep bench, dude.

Okay.

I'm gonna go get high
before the show.

Okay.

Seems like a bad idea.

Well, don't get high.

It's making us look bad.

I'm sweating like a pig.

I got to get my makeup redone.

Okay, showtime, showtime.

All right, let's
get ready, guys.

Showtime, showtime, showtime.

Whoa... Showtime.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

("America the Beautiful"

playing)

Give me a beat.

♪ Magic's in the air ♪

♪ Magic's in the air ♪

♪ Lace and silk Is everywhere ♪

♪ Lace and silk ♪

♪ Struttin' with
dramatic flair ♪

♪ Dramatic flair ♪

♪ And bright smiles So everyone prepare
For something special tonight ♪

♪ Here she is Frank's
Little Beauties ♪

♪ Your heart'll go Into a cardiac
arrest 'Cause Frank's Little Beauties.

♪ Are nothing but the...
From state to state And town to town.

♪ These girls will turn
Your frown upside-down ♪

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ Who's brass and class
And all that stuff?

These girls'll show you
That they're good enough ♪

♪ They're good, all right ♪

♪ So put your hands together And settle
in 'cause tonight We're gettin' down.

♪ Only one contestant wins
Frank's Little Beauties crown. ♪

Is that it, Artemis?

Very nice performance.

Very nice and
clean performance.

Welcome.

Welcome to our
legitimate show of kids.

Uh, very, very, very nice.

Which one of these talented, uh,
entertainers, who I am not

attracted to at all,
will be the winner?

I'm not attracted to any
of them, none of them.

And that's the way it is.

Anyway, everybody put your hands
together and clap for the kids.

Clap, clap.

And you wave good-bye.

Wave. Wave good-bye.

Go to your dressing room.

We're gonna start the show.

Go on.

Bye, Frank.

Okay, just don't touch...
Go to there. Go on in there.

Their dressing room...
Bye, Frank.

...over there on that
side of the stage.

I am going to my dressing room.

We wil wbe right back.

I'm over here.

Oh, my hair hurts.

I know. I know, mine, too.

We look good.

Okay, finish up that coffee.

Ugh! I don't like it.

You do, too, like it.

Look, it doesn't matter
whether you like it or not.

You need to be
high energy, okay?

Do you want to win
this thing or not?

I don't care.

Yes, you do care, all right?

Pop your teeth in.

Pop your teeth in right now.

Really?

Let's see 'em.

You look fantastic.

Let's go show those
stupid moms, huh?

Mm.

Come on.

Moms stink.

P-ew!

♪ What are you gonna do?

Yeah!

Me and you should go ♪ Into a secret
world Where no one tells us What to do.

Moms are stupid.

Doy!

♪ I'd like to throw them
all In the trash Yeah!

♪ They're nothing but A big
humongous Pain in the butt.

♪ A big, humungous
pain in my Vagina... ♪

Moms are ugly. ♪

Boo!

People of earth, prepare for
the future of patriotism.

♪ Yankee doodle went to town Riding
on a pony Stuck a feather in his cap.

♪ And called it macarone...
Rone, rone, rone, rone Rone, rone, rone... ♪

Hey!

♪ Yankee Yankee,
Yankee doodle Yankee, Yankee.

Yankee, Yankee doodle... ♪

Mr. Gorbachev, tear
down this wall.

The only thing we have to fear is...
fear itself.

Hey, hey, what is this?

What are you people
doing to my son?

Go back to your seat.

All right, who's in charge here?

Sir, uh, go back to your seat.

♪ Stuck a feather in his cap
And called it macarone...

Rone, rone, rone, rone... ♪

Well, someone should have
worn a shirt, right?

Probably the kid.

The kid definitely.

Yeah.

It felt uncomfortable.

But at a rave, I feel like
that would have been awesome.

I know, but the
kids make it weird.

It did get a little weird.

I can't figure this...
tie out here.

I got a question about
you morticians.

You bang the dead bodies?

Mm... no.

Imagine stuff like
that goes on all time.

I mean, I don't give a shit.

If I was dead, you could bang
me all you want. Who cares?

Dead body's like a
piece of trash.

I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want...
Turn his mic down.

I'm trying. I don't know...
I don't know how.

You don't know how?!

I don't know which one it is.

Fill me up with cream.

Turn me...
What's going on, you idiot?

Make a stew out of my ass.

What's the big deal?
Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little

pieces, throw me in the river.

Who gives a shit?

You're dead, you're dead.

Ooh, shit.

Is my mic on?

Oh, God.

Oh!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

That was a mistake.

The janitor got a hold of the P.A. system.

Puerto Rican guy.

You know, kids are great.

I love the kids.

Not in a sexual way.

No, I was married 20 years, and
she was a bitch, but she was

old, and I never had a problem
getting it up with her.

What is this?!

Get the girls!

Well, well, well, wait. What.

All right, all right, miss, could you,
um, give me a little music, please?

Play something nice.

Play something.

Play him out of here.

Play some music,
play some music.

Yeah, okay, okay.

♪ It's a grand old
flag A high-fly... ♪

I don't this.

I do not know this one.

Come on, give me something like...

Walter, come up and help me
and, uh, uh, help the people.

Let's just leave.

Yeah, let's go.

Yeah, let's go, 'cause this is a bad...
Yeah, let's go.

I just want you to be
having a great time.

Police. Oh, no.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Whoa. Oh, that's it.

I'm done. I'm going away.

Get your hands off me, pigs.

Why are you taking Walter?

Man's a diddler.

Sick son of a bitch goes around
all these kids pageants,

pretends he's an inspector.

We've been looking
for him for a while.

I'm just glad we finally
got him off the street.

You got your man.

So, there's another unrelated
diddler in the mix?

Well, I mean, these things are
just magnets for those people.

It's like throwing a picnic at
the beach and getting pissed

when the seagulls show up.

Yeah, you have to expect it.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yeah, totally.

I tell you, children's ' beauty
pageants are an American

tradition, but not a proud one.

Nope.

I'm gonna go.

Me, too. Yeah.

Let's go, let's go, because it
still doesn't... Wait! Wait!

Who won?

Uh, um, Samantha.

She's the prettiest, right?

Yeah.

Come on.

Yeah.

Yay, I'm the winner!