It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 2 - The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore - full transcript
Dennis and Dee take the gang to their favorite childhood vacation spot, but things aren't quite how they remembered them.
Burn! Burn! Burn!
Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!
Burn! Burn! Burn!
Hey! Burn, burn! Burn!
Yeah, cool.
What are you guys burning?
Bunch of garbage
and burns the tar
that's just taking up space.
No, goddamn it!
Wait, Frank, why are
you burning our photo album pictures?
What do you mean?
Because it's trash.
You kidding me? Oh, my God!
Dude, these are all the pictures
from our Jersey Shore vacations.
You were gonna burn these?
Yeah.
These were, like, the
happiest days of our lives.
Oh, come on, Jersey
Shore sucked.
The Shore didn't suck, Frank.
You sucked, okay?
You just complained the whole time
and ruined it for everyone else.
Yeah, because I had
to do all the work.
I never got to relax.
I would love to go on a vacation.
Oh, my God, me, too.
I would love to
go on a vacation.
Yeah, but not to the
Jersey Shore, though.
I mean, that place
sounds like a nightmare.
What's wrong with
the Jersey Shore?
Come on.
You've seen that TV show.
It's just a bunch of sweaty
Guidos getting hopped up
on energy drinks and giving
each other diseases.
Yeah, no, the Jersey Shore
is nothing like that.
It's a magical place where
people swim in the ocean and
they get to ride on fun rides and
they get to have their first kiss.
Dude, you would love it.
Well, hang on a second.
I've never seen the ocean.
I could get into that if you guys
want to go down to the Shore.
Aw, yes!
Yes!
We should all go to
the Shore together.
I'll tell you what.
Maybe I'll knock myself out and
we'll head down to the Shore.
Yeah, but I feel like you're
just gonna screw it up if you
try and knock yourself out.
Yeah, you're probably gonna
come to halfway there, and then
complain the rest of the time.
Yeah, I'll tell you what.
Why don't I take the rag, I'll
get the chloroform, I'll get you
when you least expect it.
All right, sweet.
Yeah?
Yeah!
Goin' down to the Jersey Shore!
Yeah, going to the Shore, baby!
Now, this ocean,
explain it to me.
It's, like, it goes on forever?
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
So, I woke up, like, halfway
there, and then you just
snuffed me out again, huh, Mac?
Oh, this place turned
into a major shithole.
It does not look exactly the
way I remember it looking.
No, no, it's different,
it's different.
The guy at the front desk said
there was meth lab explosion,
so the hotel burned down.
They had to rebuild it.
Something like that.
There's a smell, too, like...
Don't sweat it, you guys.
Listen, with any luck at all,
we won't be spending any time
here, so just think of
it more like a locker.
Yes!
I'm sorry, is no one gonna
talk about Dee's hair?
Oh, I was waiting to pounce.
I just didn't know
what our cue was.
Yeah, I was waiting for
Dennis to jump on top of it.
And then we were gonna slay her.
Yeah.
No, no. It's fine.
All the cool girls get their
hair braided at the Shore.
I think she looks like Bo Derek.
Thank you, Dennis.
Mm-hmm. You see, Dee and I have some
very fond memories of the Shore.
We're not gonna have you
sullying those great memories
with all your goddamn insults.
Mm-mm.
Are you drinking sunscreen?
No, no, it's a decoy.
We're drinking tequila out
of sunscreen bottles.
Very strict open container
laws here at the Jersey Shore.
Cheers.
Holy shit!
Is that the ocean?!
Yep.
Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
What's on the other
side of it there?
Europe.
Yeah.
Now, how long would it take...?
Do not try and swim to Europe.
No.
Don't swim to Europe?
Do not.
As a matter of fact, why don't
you stick with Dee and I
because we can show you the
ropes here at the Jersey Shore.
All right, everybody, you
know what time it is!
Let's go strut the beach.
Not strutting shit.
No beach strutting for me.
I'm gonna find a place
to relax and unwind.
Frank, I'm with you.
Yeah.
Why don't you grab
us some booze?
I'll go down to the beach
and get us some prime real
estate before those gorilla
dickheads get down there.
Yeah. Gonna relax.
Let's do it!
Let's get out of here.
Oh, man, this ocean breeze
feels so good on my scalp.
Yeah, it feels awesome.
The sand feels good
beneath my feet.
Uh-huh.
I'm a little curious as to where
all the people are, though.
No idea, no idea.
Didn't want to say anything,
didn't want to ruin the mood,
but where are the people?
I'm seeing a lot more
dogs than people, right?
There are a shit-ton of
dogs out here, I tell ya.
Where are their masters?
I don't think these
dogs have masters.
I think these dogs play
by their own rules.
Well, clearly, the action
has shifted elsewhere.
Want to go to the boardwalk?
Hey, let's go to the boardwalk!
Yes!
Yeah! Hey, Charlie!
Charlie!
Come here!
Dude, oh, my God, this
place is amazing!
Right?
Yeah!
And the sun block drink?
Nice, guys.
They're really good.
They're really good.
Thing is, I didn't make you one.
Oh! Jesus Chris, Charlie!
You're drinking sun block.
It's good. It gets you,
it gets you all.
Yeah, you're ingesting viscous chemicals,
and they're getting you high.
Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
Okay, we're going to the boardwalk.
What do you say?
Oh, really?
You want to leave?
Yeah.
I feel like we're just scratching the
surface of all the cool shit out here.
What cool shit?
Well, the sea specimens, the
stray dogs, the trash that
floated over from Europe.
Yeah, but we didn't come here to
play with stray dogs and trash, man.
We came here to soak
up the culture.
And the boardwalk is the
cultural center of the Jersey
Shore, so let's go there.
Come on, man!
Yeah, all right.
Goin' to the boardwalk.
Yo, Mac, you see that sign
there that says "Taxic spill"?
Yeah.
What's that?
Disregard that, Frank.
It's a bunch of
liberal bullshit.
Right, right.
This is a nice spot.
Yeah, yeah. Whoa!
What's that?
You were supposed to get booze.
Oh, this is ham soaked in rum.
It is loaded with booze.
Goddamn it, Frank,
eating your drinks?
That is genius!
Ow!
What?
What the... What the...
What is that?
Oh, yeah.
I got stuck with a needle.
Yeah, that's a syringe.
Be careful. They are everywhere.
The beach is full of syringes.
Why is that?
Well, we're in the steroid
capital of the world, Frank.
To be honest with you, as a man
who works very hard to maintain
a certain level of physical excellence,
I find shortcuts insulting.
Now give me a piece of ham now.
Hey, check that out.
What the hell's a
dog doing here?
Hey, hey, get out of here!
Get out of here!
Get out of here!
Goddamn dogs, I'm
telling you, dude.
The were lurking before,
now they're swarming.
I'm not sharing my
ham with no dogs.
I got a great idea.
Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes,
getting rip-shit on ham.
Might you say
we're getting "hammered."
Oh, nice one.
This is a great idea, Frank.
Great idea.
This is 90-proof ham.
Screw you mutts!
Get out of here, you bitch!
Come and get it.
Stupid dogs.
We outsmarted those dogs, Frank.
Dude, this is the
boardwalk, man.
This is amazing.
Yeah, it's a little bit more desolate
than I was hoping it would be, but...
Yeah, but that's okay.
It's still really great.
Oh, Charlie, there's all kinds of rides
and games and opportunities to win
stuffed toys.
Yeah, man, the boardwalk
is a blast, man.
But it is under the boardwalk
where the action really happens.
Trust me, pal.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, what's down there?
Oh, Charlie, come on.
So under the boardwalk's
where it's at?
Yeah, man.
This is gonna knock
your socks off.
You never know who you're going to run
into, what they're gonna be doing.
You love the bridge, right?
Yeah.
This is a lot like being under
the bridge, I would think.
It's way better than that.
Under the boardwalk is
a magical place, man.
I have a special place in my heart
'cause I had my first kiss down here.
Mm-hmm.
Did you?
Oh, dude, all kinds of romantic
shit happens... Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Oh, no!
No! No! No!
No! What was that?!
Two homeless guys
banging each other.
I saw, but why?
That's not magical.
That's not romantic.
That's your idea of romantic?
No!
There are other kinds of
romances that happen under here.
I don't want to see
anything else like that.
You know what, I'm out of here.
'Cause you guys are perverted.
You get out of here.
You get out of here.
You get out of here, Charlie.
Son of a bitch.
Aw!
Where's the beach?
Frank, wake up.
What? What's the matter?
Where's the beach?
Uh, I don't know.
We're in the middle
of the goddamn ocean!
Yes, we are.
What are we gonna do?
Well, we're going to conk out
for a while and let the current
gently roll us back to shore.
Frank, the current is what brought
us out here in the first place.
If anything, we should be paddling
against it to get back to the beach.
I'm going to pretend
like I didn't hear that.
Frank, Frank, we are no
longer in relaxing mode.
We are now in survival mode.
Will you stop being so dramatic?
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Where's the rum ham?
Where's the rum...?
Aw!
Rum ham!
No, Frank, stay in the boat.
Rum ham!
Frank, stay in the boat.
I want rum ham!
I'm sorry, rum ham.
I'm sorry, rum ham.
Oh, rum ham.
Yeah, this is going
to be great, right?
Of course it is.
Nothing like some good, innocent, wholesome,
above-the-boardwalk fun to, uh,
get us back on track.
Yes. Take a step back
from the situation.
Get a clearer perspective.
Yeah, and then we'll plummet
20 stories and the rush will
propel us forward into
an awesome evening.
Yeah.
And hopefully cleanse us of the horrifying
events that we've just witnessed.
These beads are really
digging into my back.
Wind... I don't know.
I don't know if we should
have come back here.
I think we made a mistake, because
we have so many memories... Oh, no.
Is my hair stuck?
Yeah.
It feels it's.... Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Well, get it.
No.
Get it out, because we're about to drop...
Get it!
Stick your hand... You think I'm going
to stick my fingers into the machinery?
Hey, hey, you down there.
Do not make it go, because my
hair is stuck, and something
terrible will happen.
Oh, that's really in there.
Oh, you idiot, stop the ride!
Don't make it fall!
Ow!
Hey.
How you holding up, sis?
Not well, Dennis. Not well.
Do you have any id how horrifying it was
to ride that back up to get my hair?
Yeah, well, be thankful
you got it back.
I just want to get my scalp
sewnack on and get the hell
out of this miserable town.
I'm starting to wonder what
the hell we ever saw in this
place, you know what I mean?
I mean, look at this girl.
What's her story?
She's got a decent
bone structure.
She was probably very
pretty when she was young.
Yeah.
Probably spent her summers here, lounging
on the beach and scooping ice cream.
But she didn't want her summers to end,
so she got herself a fake I.D. and a
push-up bra and started hanging
out at the local bars.
Right.
Developed a nasty coke habit, 'cause
she loved the way it made her feel.
Mm-hmm.
Extreme highs gave way to extreme
lows and she fell into a depression.
Had herself a kid.
Thought it would give
her a sense of purpose.
And it did, for a while, until
she started using again.
Mm-hmm.
And then social services came
knocking at the door, and now
the kid lives upstate with his
grandparents, 'cause she can't
take care of this kid.
And here she is festering away
in a one-bedroom apartment
waiting for the HIV
to turn into AIDS.
And wondering what the hell...
You know I can hear you, right?
Oh, sorry.
We were just using you
as a metaphor, though.
Yeah.
We didn't mean
anything personal.
Don't sweat it.
You're not that far off.
Hey.
Hey, baby.
Jesus, are you seeing this?
Mm-hmm.
God, even the doctors in
this town are drug dealers.
Oh, hey, wait.
What are you doing?
Who are you?
Where did you come from?
Get out of here.
Drop it.
No. Goddamn it!
Goddamn you!
I hate this town, Dennis.
I hate this town.
Okay, okay, all right,
well calm down.
It's understandable.
You are missing a
piece of your scalp.
Yeah.
Sounds like you two
could use a break.
Want to come party with
me and my friends?
Yeah. Yes.
Mm-hmm.
I'm so thirsty.
Gargle some more water, bitch.
I've been gargling.
Well, don't snap at me.
Well, quit acting so bossy.
Okay, you know what, guy,
we can't fight, all right?
We're both very cranky.
We haven't eaten in
a very long time.
I'm starving.
Okay, all right, look, maybe
I'll dive down there, I'll spear
a tuna, I'll wrestle him
on board and we'll feast.
Boom, let's eat.
All right, give me the knife.
I can't give you the knife.
What? Why not?
'Cause there may come a time
when difficult decisions must be
made, and I'd rather be
the one with the knife.
What difficult decisions?
What are you talking about?
You know, like things
you do to stay alive.
Are you talking about killing
and eating me, Frank?
All I'm saying is, that when you
go into survival mode, it's
every man for himself.
You seem like you're in
survival mode right now.
Maybe I am, maybe
I ain't, rum ham.
Did you just call me rum ham?
Frank, Frank, we cannot be
talking about killing and eating
each other already, okay?
Tell that to the rum ham.
Stop talking about
the goddamn rum ham.
It should have been you!
No!
Jesus...
Oh, no!
Uh-oh.
You see what you've done?
You've murdered us both,
you son of a bitch.
Oh, shit, what's that?
It's a boat!
It's a boat!
We're saved!
Is that an Italian flag?
It's the Guidos.
Guidos, we're here.
Over here.
Oh!
No way.
Charlie?
Hey.
Oh, my God, what are
you doing down here?
Did you follow me all the
way to the Jersey Shore?
No! No, I swear.
I'm just out here...
but that's cool!
Can you believe we're...
That's like destiny!
What... What's in your hand?
Something stupid I found.
No big deal.
Can I see it?
Yeah.
Wow.
That's really beautiful.
I'll tell you what, I mean...
I think that's a pretty rare
one, but you can
keep it if you want.
Thanks, Charlie.
Sure.
So you going to insult
me and walk away?
Or, or what's going on here?
No, I, um...
I don't, I don't know, you know?
I love the beach so much,
and it's so beautiful.
I could probably just hang
out here for a little while.
Cool.
Just don't go under
the boardwalk.
Okay.
Guys, this is Dennis and Dee.
I told them they could
roll with us tonight.
Yeah, uh, hi.
Yeah, we're, uh, looking forward
to partying with you all tonight.
Does Bobby know about this?
Don't worry, they're cool.
Yeah.
So, uh... what are we getting
into tonight, you guys?
Yeah!
Just waiting for Bobby.
Then we're gonna hit
the liquor store.
All right, cool.
Yeah, well, you can't have
a party without liquor.
That's right.
So yeah.
Let's hit the liquor store.
Who the hell
are these two?
Well, you're Bobby, I guess.
Uh, we are just new acquaintances
of your friend Stephanie over here.
Harmless people.
You guys cool?
Yeah.
Well, I hate to toot my own horn,
but I am pretty cool, Bobby.
Hit that.
Yeah.
And I can tell by the way
you're staring at me that
you're wondering
if I'm cool, too.
Ooh.
I'm just going to go ahead and nip
that in the bud right now, so...
Oh, shit.
That does not taste like weed.
It burns a lot.
It's angel dust.
Angel... Dust.
Embrace the night.
What's over there?
♪ Just can't seem to get
my mind off of you ♪
Beer, beer, beer, beer!
All right, you guys
ready to get it?
Yes, yes!
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
No!
Yeah!
Wha...?
What's happening?
What's happening?
♪ Vacation all I ever wanted vacation,
had to get away
♪ Vacation meant to be spent alone ♪
Hi!
Drive!
Drive now!
You! Drive!
Drive!
Drive!
Drive!
Thanks, man.
Thanks, bro.
Hurry it up.
Hurry up!
Hurry up!
Oh, my God!
Shut her up!
You pick him up.
Okay!
Pick him up.
Pick him up?
Go get him!
♪ Vacation, all I ever wanted
Vacation, had to get away ♪
Rum ham!
♪ Vacation, all I ever
wanted Vacation... ♪
Dig, come on, dig!
Dig! Hurry up!
Dig! Shut up!
Shut up and dig!
Bobby!
Shoot 'em!
Shoot 'em!
♪ ... had to get away, vacation,
meant to be spent alone
Vacation, all I ever wanted ♪
Vacation, had to get away Vacation,
meant to be spent alone... ♪
Oh, my God, Charlie!
Hey.
What a night.
What the...
Did you rape me last night?
What? No.
Gross, no!
Then... Okay, why am I waking up
next to you on a deserted beach?
'Cause we fell asleep
here last night.
What's going on with you?
Oh, my God. I was...
I was on Ecstasy last night, Charlie.
You have to tell me
everything that happened.
Oh!
Boy, you're really
off the wagon, huh?
Drinking, drugs... Oh, my God.
Well, it was a cool night.
I mean, we laughed, we collected
sea specimens, we drank some
ocean, you got a little sick
from drinking the ocean.
I loved it, though.
That sounds really
weird and gross.
Oh, really?
Well, I suppose now you think
this is weird and gross.
Oh my God, Charlie, come on!
What?
Hang on a second,
where you going?
Uh, let's see.
Last night I lived out one
of my actual nightmares.
So I'm going to go,
and take a shower.
Well, hang on.
Hang on a second.
I suppose you want this back.
What is that?
That's a jewel you gave me.
You said you wanted
me to have it.
Charlie, that's a piece
of a broken glass bottle.
All right.
Well, maybe I'll see you
Friday or something.
No!
No!
Okay.
Hmm.
I guess that's just summer love.
Crazy.
Bro, our night was
way more amazing.
And it actually happened.
What do you mean, it
actually happened?
Why do you keep saying that?
You don't think I spent the
night with the waitress?
No!
Then where'd I get this, dude?
Where'd I get that?
I assume you got it out of the trash, or
dug it out of a storm drain somewhere.
I don't believe you're not...
Whoa! Here they come.
Okay. All right.
Everyone get in the car!
Go, let's go!
Get in the car!
Come on, come on, come on!
Guys, you will not believe
the night we had!
I don't care, there is no meaning
to life anymore.
It takes a classy man
to admit when he was wrong.
- And I was wrong. I love the Jersey Shore.
- Oh, you love it?
Oh, you love it so much here, get in the
goddamn car, you fat fat ass, fat fat ass.
***
Oh, man, they talk awesome.
I don't know why these guys get
such a bad rep. It's pretty cool.
Let me tell you something, Mac.
There are far worse people in Jersey Shore
than the cast of The Jersey Shore.
It's a horrible town. It's a horrible town
filled with horrible people.
I don't know about that.
I think it's a magical town.
Hell yeah.
Beautiful magical town.
Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!
Burn! Burn! Burn!
Hey! Burn, burn! Burn!
Yeah, cool.
What are you guys burning?
Bunch of garbage
and burns the tar
that's just taking up space.
No, goddamn it!
Wait, Frank, why are
you burning our photo album pictures?
What do you mean?
Because it's trash.
You kidding me? Oh, my God!
Dude, these are all the pictures
from our Jersey Shore vacations.
You were gonna burn these?
Yeah.
These were, like, the
happiest days of our lives.
Oh, come on, Jersey
Shore sucked.
The Shore didn't suck, Frank.
You sucked, okay?
You just complained the whole time
and ruined it for everyone else.
Yeah, because I had
to do all the work.
I never got to relax.
I would love to go on a vacation.
Oh, my God, me, too.
I would love to
go on a vacation.
Yeah, but not to the
Jersey Shore, though.
I mean, that place
sounds like a nightmare.
What's wrong with
the Jersey Shore?
Come on.
You've seen that TV show.
It's just a bunch of sweaty
Guidos getting hopped up
on energy drinks and giving
each other diseases.
Yeah, no, the Jersey Shore
is nothing like that.
It's a magical place where
people swim in the ocean and
they get to ride on fun rides and
they get to have their first kiss.
Dude, you would love it.
Well, hang on a second.
I've never seen the ocean.
I could get into that if you guys
want to go down to the Shore.
Aw, yes!
Yes!
We should all go to
the Shore together.
I'll tell you what.
Maybe I'll knock myself out and
we'll head down to the Shore.
Yeah, but I feel like you're
just gonna screw it up if you
try and knock yourself out.
Yeah, you're probably gonna
come to halfway there, and then
complain the rest of the time.
Yeah, I'll tell you what.
Why don't I take the rag, I'll
get the chloroform, I'll get you
when you least expect it.
All right, sweet.
Yeah?
Yeah!
Goin' down to the Jersey Shore!
Yeah, going to the Shore, baby!
Now, this ocean,
explain it to me.
It's, like, it goes on forever?
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
So, I woke up, like, halfway
there, and then you just
snuffed me out again, huh, Mac?
Oh, this place turned
into a major shithole.
It does not look exactly the
way I remember it looking.
No, no, it's different,
it's different.
The guy at the front desk said
there was meth lab explosion,
so the hotel burned down.
They had to rebuild it.
Something like that.
There's a smell, too, like...
Don't sweat it, you guys.
Listen, with any luck at all,
we won't be spending any time
here, so just think of
it more like a locker.
Yes!
I'm sorry, is no one gonna
talk about Dee's hair?
Oh, I was waiting to pounce.
I just didn't know
what our cue was.
Yeah, I was waiting for
Dennis to jump on top of it.
And then we were gonna slay her.
Yeah.
No, no. It's fine.
All the cool girls get their
hair braided at the Shore.
I think she looks like Bo Derek.
Thank you, Dennis.
Mm-hmm. You see, Dee and I have some
very fond memories of the Shore.
We're not gonna have you
sullying those great memories
with all your goddamn insults.
Mm-mm.
Are you drinking sunscreen?
No, no, it's a decoy.
We're drinking tequila out
of sunscreen bottles.
Very strict open container
laws here at the Jersey Shore.
Cheers.
Holy shit!
Is that the ocean?!
Yep.
Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
What's on the other
side of it there?
Europe.
Yeah.
Now, how long would it take...?
Do not try and swim to Europe.
No.
Don't swim to Europe?
Do not.
As a matter of fact, why don't
you stick with Dee and I
because we can show you the
ropes here at the Jersey Shore.
All right, everybody, you
know what time it is!
Let's go strut the beach.
Not strutting shit.
No beach strutting for me.
I'm gonna find a place
to relax and unwind.
Frank, I'm with you.
Yeah.
Why don't you grab
us some booze?
I'll go down to the beach
and get us some prime real
estate before those gorilla
dickheads get down there.
Yeah. Gonna relax.
Let's do it!
Let's get out of here.
Oh, man, this ocean breeze
feels so good on my scalp.
Yeah, it feels awesome.
The sand feels good
beneath my feet.
Uh-huh.
I'm a little curious as to where
all the people are, though.
No idea, no idea.
Didn't want to say anything,
didn't want to ruin the mood,
but where are the people?
I'm seeing a lot more
dogs than people, right?
There are a shit-ton of
dogs out here, I tell ya.
Where are their masters?
I don't think these
dogs have masters.
I think these dogs play
by their own rules.
Well, clearly, the action
has shifted elsewhere.
Want to go to the boardwalk?
Hey, let's go to the boardwalk!
Yes!
Yeah! Hey, Charlie!
Charlie!
Come here!
Dude, oh, my God, this
place is amazing!
Right?
Yeah!
And the sun block drink?
Nice, guys.
They're really good.
They're really good.
Thing is, I didn't make you one.
Oh! Jesus Chris, Charlie!
You're drinking sun block.
It's good. It gets you,
it gets you all.
Yeah, you're ingesting viscous chemicals,
and they're getting you high.
Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
Okay, we're going to the boardwalk.
What do you say?
Oh, really?
You want to leave?
Yeah.
I feel like we're just scratching the
surface of all the cool shit out here.
What cool shit?
Well, the sea specimens, the
stray dogs, the trash that
floated over from Europe.
Yeah, but we didn't come here to
play with stray dogs and trash, man.
We came here to soak
up the culture.
And the boardwalk is the
cultural center of the Jersey
Shore, so let's go there.
Come on, man!
Yeah, all right.
Goin' to the boardwalk.
Yo, Mac, you see that sign
there that says "Taxic spill"?
Yeah.
What's that?
Disregard that, Frank.
It's a bunch of
liberal bullshit.
Right, right.
This is a nice spot.
Yeah, yeah. Whoa!
What's that?
You were supposed to get booze.
Oh, this is ham soaked in rum.
It is loaded with booze.
Goddamn it, Frank,
eating your drinks?
That is genius!
Ow!
What?
What the... What the...
What is that?
Oh, yeah.
I got stuck with a needle.
Yeah, that's a syringe.
Be careful. They are everywhere.
The beach is full of syringes.
Why is that?
Well, we're in the steroid
capital of the world, Frank.
To be honest with you, as a man
who works very hard to maintain
a certain level of physical excellence,
I find shortcuts insulting.
Now give me a piece of ham now.
Hey, check that out.
What the hell's a
dog doing here?
Hey, hey, get out of here!
Get out of here!
Get out of here!
Goddamn dogs, I'm
telling you, dude.
The were lurking before,
now they're swarming.
I'm not sharing my
ham with no dogs.
I got a great idea.
Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes,
getting rip-shit on ham.
Might you say
we're getting "hammered."
Oh, nice one.
This is a great idea, Frank.
Great idea.
This is 90-proof ham.
Screw you mutts!
Get out of here, you bitch!
Come and get it.
Stupid dogs.
We outsmarted those dogs, Frank.
Dude, this is the
boardwalk, man.
This is amazing.
Yeah, it's a little bit more desolate
than I was hoping it would be, but...
Yeah, but that's okay.
It's still really great.
Oh, Charlie, there's all kinds of rides
and games and opportunities to win
stuffed toys.
Yeah, man, the boardwalk
is a blast, man.
But it is under the boardwalk
where the action really happens.
Trust me, pal.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, what's down there?
Oh, Charlie, come on.
So under the boardwalk's
where it's at?
Yeah, man.
This is gonna knock
your socks off.
You never know who you're going to run
into, what they're gonna be doing.
You love the bridge, right?
Yeah.
This is a lot like being under
the bridge, I would think.
It's way better than that.
Under the boardwalk is
a magical place, man.
I have a special place in my heart
'cause I had my first kiss down here.
Mm-hmm.
Did you?
Oh, dude, all kinds of romantic
shit happens... Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Oh, no!
No! No! No!
No! What was that?!
Two homeless guys
banging each other.
I saw, but why?
That's not magical.
That's not romantic.
That's your idea of romantic?
No!
There are other kinds of
romances that happen under here.
I don't want to see
anything else like that.
You know what, I'm out of here.
'Cause you guys are perverted.
You get out of here.
You get out of here.
You get out of here, Charlie.
Son of a bitch.
Aw!
Where's the beach?
Frank, wake up.
What? What's the matter?
Where's the beach?
Uh, I don't know.
We're in the middle
of the goddamn ocean!
Yes, we are.
What are we gonna do?
Well, we're going to conk out
for a while and let the current
gently roll us back to shore.
Frank, the current is what brought
us out here in the first place.
If anything, we should be paddling
against it to get back to the beach.
I'm going to pretend
like I didn't hear that.
Frank, Frank, we are no
longer in relaxing mode.
We are now in survival mode.
Will you stop being so dramatic?
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Where's the rum ham?
Where's the rum...?
Aw!
Rum ham!
No, Frank, stay in the boat.
Rum ham!
Frank, stay in the boat.
I want rum ham!
I'm sorry, rum ham.
I'm sorry, rum ham.
Oh, rum ham.
Yeah, this is going
to be great, right?
Of course it is.
Nothing like some good, innocent, wholesome,
above-the-boardwalk fun to, uh,
get us back on track.
Yes. Take a step back
from the situation.
Get a clearer perspective.
Yeah, and then we'll plummet
20 stories and the rush will
propel us forward into
an awesome evening.
Yeah.
And hopefully cleanse us of the horrifying
events that we've just witnessed.
These beads are really
digging into my back.
Wind... I don't know.
I don't know if we should
have come back here.
I think we made a mistake, because
we have so many memories... Oh, no.
Is my hair stuck?
Yeah.
It feels it's.... Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Well, get it.
No.
Get it out, because we're about to drop...
Get it!
Stick your hand... You think I'm going
to stick my fingers into the machinery?
Hey, hey, you down there.
Do not make it go, because my
hair is stuck, and something
terrible will happen.
Oh, that's really in there.
Oh, you idiot, stop the ride!
Don't make it fall!
Ow!
Hey.
How you holding up, sis?
Not well, Dennis. Not well.
Do you have any id how horrifying it was
to ride that back up to get my hair?
Yeah, well, be thankful
you got it back.
I just want to get my scalp
sewnack on and get the hell
out of this miserable town.
I'm starting to wonder what
the hell we ever saw in this
place, you know what I mean?
I mean, look at this girl.
What's her story?
She's got a decent
bone structure.
She was probably very
pretty when she was young.
Yeah.
Probably spent her summers here, lounging
on the beach and scooping ice cream.
But she didn't want her summers to end,
so she got herself a fake I.D. and a
push-up bra and started hanging
out at the local bars.
Right.
Developed a nasty coke habit, 'cause
she loved the way it made her feel.
Mm-hmm.
Extreme highs gave way to extreme
lows and she fell into a depression.
Had herself a kid.
Thought it would give
her a sense of purpose.
And it did, for a while, until
she started using again.
Mm-hmm.
And then social services came
knocking at the door, and now
the kid lives upstate with his
grandparents, 'cause she can't
take care of this kid.
And here she is festering away
in a one-bedroom apartment
waiting for the HIV
to turn into AIDS.
And wondering what the hell...
You know I can hear you, right?
Oh, sorry.
We were just using you
as a metaphor, though.
Yeah.
We didn't mean
anything personal.
Don't sweat it.
You're not that far off.
Hey.
Hey, baby.
Jesus, are you seeing this?
Mm-hmm.
God, even the doctors in
this town are drug dealers.
Oh, hey, wait.
What are you doing?
Who are you?
Where did you come from?
Get out of here.
Drop it.
No. Goddamn it!
Goddamn you!
I hate this town, Dennis.
I hate this town.
Okay, okay, all right,
well calm down.
It's understandable.
You are missing a
piece of your scalp.
Yeah.
Sounds like you two
could use a break.
Want to come party with
me and my friends?
Yeah. Yes.
Mm-hmm.
I'm so thirsty.
Gargle some more water, bitch.
I've been gargling.
Well, don't snap at me.
Well, quit acting so bossy.
Okay, you know what, guy,
we can't fight, all right?
We're both very cranky.
We haven't eaten in
a very long time.
I'm starving.
Okay, all right, look, maybe
I'll dive down there, I'll spear
a tuna, I'll wrestle him
on board and we'll feast.
Boom, let's eat.
All right, give me the knife.
I can't give you the knife.
What? Why not?
'Cause there may come a time
when difficult decisions must be
made, and I'd rather be
the one with the knife.
What difficult decisions?
What are you talking about?
You know, like things
you do to stay alive.
Are you talking about killing
and eating me, Frank?
All I'm saying is, that when you
go into survival mode, it's
every man for himself.
You seem like you're in
survival mode right now.
Maybe I am, maybe
I ain't, rum ham.
Did you just call me rum ham?
Frank, Frank, we cannot be
talking about killing and eating
each other already, okay?
Tell that to the rum ham.
Stop talking about
the goddamn rum ham.
It should have been you!
No!
Jesus...
Oh, no!
Uh-oh.
You see what you've done?
You've murdered us both,
you son of a bitch.
Oh, shit, what's that?
It's a boat!
It's a boat!
We're saved!
Is that an Italian flag?
It's the Guidos.
Guidos, we're here.
Over here.
Oh!
No way.
Charlie?
Hey.
Oh, my God, what are
you doing down here?
Did you follow me all the
way to the Jersey Shore?
No! No, I swear.
I'm just out here...
but that's cool!
Can you believe we're...
That's like destiny!
What... What's in your hand?
Something stupid I found.
No big deal.
Can I see it?
Yeah.
Wow.
That's really beautiful.
I'll tell you what, I mean...
I think that's a pretty rare
one, but you can
keep it if you want.
Thanks, Charlie.
Sure.
So you going to insult
me and walk away?
Or, or what's going on here?
No, I, um...
I don't, I don't know, you know?
I love the beach so much,
and it's so beautiful.
I could probably just hang
out here for a little while.
Cool.
Just don't go under
the boardwalk.
Okay.
Guys, this is Dennis and Dee.
I told them they could
roll with us tonight.
Yeah, uh, hi.
Yeah, we're, uh, looking forward
to partying with you all tonight.
Does Bobby know about this?
Don't worry, they're cool.
Yeah.
So, uh... what are we getting
into tonight, you guys?
Yeah!
Just waiting for Bobby.
Then we're gonna hit
the liquor store.
All right, cool.
Yeah, well, you can't have
a party without liquor.
That's right.
So yeah.
Let's hit the liquor store.
Who the hell
are these two?
Well, you're Bobby, I guess.
Uh, we are just new acquaintances
of your friend Stephanie over here.
Harmless people.
You guys cool?
Yeah.
Well, I hate to toot my own horn,
but I am pretty cool, Bobby.
Hit that.
Yeah.
And I can tell by the way
you're staring at me that
you're wondering
if I'm cool, too.
Ooh.
I'm just going to go ahead and nip
that in the bud right now, so...
Oh, shit.
That does not taste like weed.
It burns a lot.
It's angel dust.
Angel... Dust.
Embrace the night.
What's over there?
♪ Just can't seem to get
my mind off of you ♪
Beer, beer, beer, beer!
All right, you guys
ready to get it?
Yes, yes!
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
No!
Yeah!
Wha...?
What's happening?
What's happening?
♪ Vacation all I ever wanted vacation,
had to get away
♪ Vacation meant to be spent alone ♪
Hi!
Drive!
Drive now!
You! Drive!
Drive!
Drive!
Drive!
Thanks, man.
Thanks, bro.
Hurry it up.
Hurry up!
Hurry up!
Oh, my God!
Shut her up!
You pick him up.
Okay!
Pick him up.
Pick him up?
Go get him!
♪ Vacation, all I ever wanted
Vacation, had to get away ♪
Rum ham!
♪ Vacation, all I ever
wanted Vacation... ♪
Dig, come on, dig!
Dig! Hurry up!
Dig! Shut up!
Shut up and dig!
Bobby!
Shoot 'em!
Shoot 'em!
♪ ... had to get away, vacation,
meant to be spent alone
Vacation, all I ever wanted ♪
Vacation, had to get away Vacation,
meant to be spent alone... ♪
Oh, my God, Charlie!
Hey.
What a night.
What the...
Did you rape me last night?
What? No.
Gross, no!
Then... Okay, why am I waking up
next to you on a deserted beach?
'Cause we fell asleep
here last night.
What's going on with you?
Oh, my God. I was...
I was on Ecstasy last night, Charlie.
You have to tell me
everything that happened.
Oh!
Boy, you're really
off the wagon, huh?
Drinking, drugs... Oh, my God.
Well, it was a cool night.
I mean, we laughed, we collected
sea specimens, we drank some
ocean, you got a little sick
from drinking the ocean.
I loved it, though.
That sounds really
weird and gross.
Oh, really?
Well, I suppose now you think
this is weird and gross.
Oh my God, Charlie, come on!
What?
Hang on a second,
where you going?
Uh, let's see.
Last night I lived out one
of my actual nightmares.
So I'm going to go,
and take a shower.
Well, hang on.
Hang on a second.
I suppose you want this back.
What is that?
That's a jewel you gave me.
You said you wanted
me to have it.
Charlie, that's a piece
of a broken glass bottle.
All right.
Well, maybe I'll see you
Friday or something.
No!
No!
Okay.
Hmm.
I guess that's just summer love.
Crazy.
Bro, our night was
way more amazing.
And it actually happened.
What do you mean, it
actually happened?
Why do you keep saying that?
You don't think I spent the
night with the waitress?
No!
Then where'd I get this, dude?
Where'd I get that?
I assume you got it out of the trash, or
dug it out of a storm drain somewhere.
I don't believe you're not...
Whoa! Here they come.
Okay. All right.
Everyone get in the car!
Go, let's go!
Get in the car!
Come on, come on, come on!
Guys, you will not believe
the night we had!
I don't care, there is no meaning
to life anymore.
It takes a classy man
to admit when he was wrong.
- And I was wrong. I love the Jersey Shore.
- Oh, you love it?
Oh, you love it so much here, get in the
goddamn car, you fat fat ass, fat fat ass.
***
Oh, man, they talk awesome.
I don't know why these guys get
such a bad rep. It's pretty cool.
Let me tell you something, Mac.
There are far worse people in Jersey Shore
than the cast of The Jersey Shore.
It's a horrible town. It's a horrible town
filled with horrible people.
I don't know about that.
I think it's a magical town.
Hell yeah.
Beautiful magical town.