It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - Sweet Dee Gets Audited - full transcript
Dee faces an IRS audit over her claim that the baby she carried as a surrogate is her dependent, while the guys decide to run the bar in an unemotional, democratic manner rather than their typical method of shouting and personal attacks.
Hey, guys, why are the
urinals filled with rocks?
Oh, 'cause I put
a bunch of rocks in 'em.
Oh, okay, why?
Well, you know how they were broken,
so I was, like, filling them with ice.
Now the ice machine's broken, so I'm
just filling them up with rocks.
You know that doesn't
make any sense, right?
Replacing the ice with rocks?
The ice actually served a purpose...
Oh, oh, God!
Oh, something just
dripped in my mouth!
Yeah, the ceiling is leaking.
Oh, that's gross.
What'd it taste like?
What'd it taste like?
Who gives a shit what
it tasted like, Frank?
Dude, what the hell?
You have been docking our
paychecks lately so that you
could pay for shit like
this around the bar.
Why is nothing fixed?
Yeah, by the way, I never agreed
to let you dock my paycheck.
That seems like something
we should all vote on.
- It costs money to run this place and keep it main...
- Hey-oh!
What's up, bitches?
What the shit is this?
New scooter.
My surrogate money came in.
30 G's, babies.
Oh, sweet. Where's our cut?
Your cut?
Whoa, hey, Mac makes
a really good point.
Yeah, we worked our asses off
on that baby scheme of yours.
Give us part of the
money that you made.
What the hell are
you talking about?
You did nothing
for nine months.
Get out.
You couldn't have pulled something
like that off without us.
Yeah, they drove you to the
hospital, they picked you up.
I was there, I recall.
Okay, I made all the contacts,
I pushed that little
monkey out and now I'm going to
be claiming him as a dependent
and getting tax breaks
for the next 18 years.
So you talk about a scheme?
How's that for a long-term
scheme, bitches?
Uh, you guys all better eat a dick,
'cause Sweet Dee beat the system.
Oh, no, no, no, lady.
Sorry. Get out.
Whatever god you're selling,
I ain't buying it.
Miss Reynolds, I'm with the IRS.
We've been trying to
contact you for months.
Have you not received
any of our letters?
Letters? What is it, 1986?
I don't do letters, lady.
I'm all digital.
Well, if you had opened up the
letters you would understand
that you're being audited.
Audited?
Why?
What are you talking about?
I'm not scamming the government,
if that's what you're saying.
Your license plate
says "$CAMMIN."
Uh, no.
What do you mean no?
Yes.
Okay, I want to talk to you about
this dependent that you're
claiming-- this, uh,
Barnabas Reynolds.
Yes, I would love that.
I would love that because I love
to talk about little Barney, I do.
But now's not a great time,
you know what I mean?
Because I left him in the car--
with the window down of course.
It's hot.
It's hot, isn't it?
Well, is there a better time?
Would 3:00 work?
3:00 sounds great.
I can't wait for 3:00.
Hey, Frank, we need to talk.
We don't want you making any major
bar decisions alone anymore.
Because you're sleazy
and we don't trust you.
Yeah, we want to vote
on things now, okay?
We want a democracy.
Well, that ain't gonna work.
Because you guys get really
emotional about everything.
You'll start arguing about shit
and nothing will get done.
We know we're emotional people
and we've discussed that.
We think we have a solution.
We're going to have a daily meeting
where we will discuss all bar matters.
Emotion will be suppressed
and reason will prevail.
Reason will prevail!
Oh, yeah, we decided also that
we would say "Reason will
prevail," every time someone says...
Reason will prevail!
You don't have to say it
right now, because I'm just
explaining to Frank that reason will prevail...
Reason will prevail!
Again, you don't have
to say it right now.
I'm just explaining... If we're going to
say it, we're gonna say it every time.
If you made up the rule...
Okay, I'll tell you what-- I like this.
You do?
Yeah.
We should definitely do this
to make everything fair.
Everything aboveboard.
Let's go do it in there.
Come on.
The first meeting of Paddy's
congress shall commence henceforth.
Oh, first order of business.
Yeah?
Let's talk about how
Frank handles the money.
Yes.
Money, money, money, money, money, money...
Whoa, whoa.
I know we got to talk about the
money, but there are other
issues that are pressing, too.
Like what, dude?
Like one that comes to
mind is the dead dog.
What dead dog?
The dead dog in the alley.
It's been there
for about a week.
Yeah, and we decided that Charlie
was going to throw it in the trash.
No, you decided that.
We never got a vote.
If Mac and I got to vote on
that, we would have voted to,
like, you know, have
a proper dog burial.
That's a waste of
time and resources.
Okay, well, hold on a
second there, Frank.
Let's put our new
process into action.
I think the guys should have a
opportunity to state their case
in a rational and
unemotional way.
Guys, you have the floor.
Yeah.
All right, sure. Easy.
All right. No problem.
Okay...
Uh, okay, sometimes dogs die.
Right.
Um, dogs, uh...
die from cars sometimes.
Sometimes not.
There's also... Disease.
There's also disease
in America and abroad.
Many dogs... Goddamn it!
I don't know how to express myself unless
through anger and personal attack!
I'm getting very upset, because
I'm not saying it right!
All right, guys, guys...
I want a dog funeral!
Guys, calm down.
I'm going to step in here and I'm gonna
speak for you for a moment, if I may.
I don't think it's a good idea
for us to spend all of our
hard-earned cash on some ornate
display for the disposal of
what amounts to an
animal carcass.
An animal that we never knew--
or had a relationship with.
So I'm going to-- I'm going to go
ahead and say that I think we
should just throw
it in a Dumpster.
Come on!
Oh... But, but, but, we'll
have a candle on site.
We'll light it.
We'll have a boom box there and
you guys can say a few words.
Huh. I don't love it.
Me neither.
But that dog is turning into
hot soup out there in the sun.
Okay.
Frank?
Fine.
Okay!
Hey, it works.
Great. See, Frank, we can get through
these issues and be unemotional about it.
That's one issue off the
docket right there.
Next issue.
Let's talk about the money.
Money, okay... Oh, yes, we're going to
talk about the money, but we have a
list of things on the docket
here that we've got to check off.
And if we're gonna do it right,
we're gonna do it right.
And the next thing on the list
is limes and how we slice them.
Thick or thin?
Okay, let's talk about
the limes, guys.
We'll keep emotion out of it.
Reason will prevail.
Reason will prevail.
Okay, I think the limes
should be cut a bit thinner.
What the hell?!
Thin limes?!
People will choke!
People will die!
Calm down.
Charlie, Charlie, take
emotion out of it.
Charlie's got a point.
One of the cornerstones of
Paddy's Pub is thick limes.
Yeah, don't tell me... I'm going to put
my thumb through your eye, you little
bitch!
No, no, no. Shh.
Stay calm, stay...
Hey, hey, hey, look at me.
Look at me, eh?
Stay calm with me, okay?
Be unemotional.
Let's-Let's be democratic.
Let's put this thing to a vote.
A vote?
A vote solves everything in
a democracy, does it not?
Yes.
So, all for thinner limes,
raise your hands.
And all for thicker limes,
raise your hands.
Now, there you go.
That's a democracy in action.
That's two votes
against two votes.
A perfect example of when
democracy has failed.
Good news, Dee!
We have decided to occasionally
let you vote on some pressing
matters in the bar
as we see fit.
What?
Where do you land on thick
limes or thin limes?
And try and keep your emotions
out of it even though people
could choke and die.
What are you talking about?
What's, what's going on in here?
Are you having another baby?
No! No, it's fine, okay?
I have it all under control.
I just, I'm getting audited.
Audited? Oh, she's screwed.
That's the tax man?
Yeah.
I'm not screwed.
I got it all under control, okay?
I've got a handle on it.
I just got to find a baby
by 3:00 in the afternoon.
Just get out. Just get out now.
Hmm, a vote for thin limes would
get me out of your apartment.
Better yet, a vote for thick
limes, I'll throw myself full
force into this little
baby caper of yours.
I don't need your help.
Look, Dee, you need our
help, we need your help.
Let's work something out here.
I don't know which stance you're
gonna do, and I don't wanna do it.
Stop, stop standing like me.
Okay, yeah, let's help
each other out, okay?
I got an idea.
You guys go magically find me a
baby by 3:00 in the afternoon,
and then I'll-I'll help you
out with your lime problem.
Okay.
Yeah.
What?
We can get you a baby.
Yeah, you want, we'll get you
a baby, no magic required.
How many babies you need?
Yeah.
Just the one baby.
How long? Couple hours?
3:00 this afternoon.
No, no.
How long you need it for?
You want it for life or you...?
Just a short-time baby.
Just a short-time baby.
Just a short-time baby? Easy.
Oh, my God, you guys,
this is so exciting!
Oh, this is amazing!
You have no idea how
much you're helping me.
Okay, let's see, um, all
right, I tell you what.
Here's how to handle
your lime situation.
It has been decided.
We are now the Pickle Party.
And Dee has joined us.
We are going to vote for pickles
in the bar instead of limes.
What are you talking about?
It doesn't matter.
The point is, our three votes
will always beat your two.
We win, dude.
We're the winners, okay?
Give me a beer with
a pickle in it.
Well, what happens when you
three disagree with each other?
We're not going to disagree.
That is the point of the Pickle Party,
we're very aligned on these issues.
Charlie, you can't just
start your own party.
You got to talk to people about...
Yes, you can.
You can?
If you're not as educated or as
informed, what you do is you
start your own party and
you yell the loudest.
We want attention!
Okay, all right, yeah, sure.
No, you're the Pickle Party.
Great. Okay, so let's just
accept that and move on.
Yes, Frank, move on.
Reason will prevail.
Pickles will prevail!
Okay, well, the next issue on our
list should be a pretty easy
one for the Pickle
Party to agree on.
"A crucifix in the bar."
Ah, you are right,
this is an easy one.
Why wouldn't we have a
crucifix in the bar?
'Cause we're a bar.
Right, but we're an
Irish Catholic bar.
We're an Irish bar.
Yeah, Irish Catholic bar, and
therefore a giant wooden
crucifix is a celebration
or our heritage.
Giant?
Yeah.
How big of a crucifix
do you want?
Big. It should be the
centerpiece of the whole room.
I mean, it should dominate
every conversation.
That's gonna be terrifying!
It should be terrifying.
That's how you know God
loves you, Charlie.
I don't want a giant bloody man in the
bar scaring the customers, and most
importantly, me!
You see that, Frank?
I saw it.
I just played them
like a fiddle.
A goddamn fiddle.
What do you want?
I want in on the action.
Whatever it is that you got going on
around here, I want a piece of it, okay?
You see, Frank, you might not
know this, but you need me.
People don't trust you, Frank.
You're a piece of shit and
you're ugly and you ooze sleaze
and you're very, very ugly.
All right, I'm gonna
make you my puppet.
Right here.
Puppet.
Look, I've been cooking the
books in the bar for years.
I faking knew it.
I mean, all kinds of avenues
and shell corporations.
It's all fake and
it's all in here.
Let me see.
Check it out right there.
Oh, man, holy shit.
What, what is this one?
"Wolf Cola"?
Wolf Cola, that's a
bogus soda distributor.
I made it up. It's fake!
Look, the whole idea is the more
corporations that you can plant offshore...
Right.
...the more money
you can rake in.
Da-da-da! I don't care about any
of these details, but I like
these figures I'm seeing.
All right, I'll be the puppet
and do my dance, and you can
keep the goddamn
details to yourself.
Uh! I don't think I hear
any arguing out there.
So we can have the crucifix, but it
needs to be in the back of the bar.
See? I can live with that.
That's a compromise
right there, man.
All right!
Pickle Party compromise!
Huh-huh-huh!
Tasteful crucifix party.
Hey-hey-hey, all right!
Sounds like you guys
came to a compromise.
That's great. We cross the
crucifix issue off the list.
One quick question
before I do, though.
How bloody is this guy gonna be?
Not bloody at all.
Very bloody.
What?
He's gotta be drenched in blood.
I mean, covered in blood.
Why?
Well, that's the whole point.
You need to see the
wounds of Christ.
He needs to be ravaged.
Oh, God, dude, it's bad enough
I'm gonna let you put the
stupid cross up in the first first place...
Stupid cross?!
You son of a bitch, I knew it!
I knew it! I knew it!
Don't make fun!
That's the whole point!
Do it peaceful-like!
It's a massacre!
There's nothing peaceful.
I don't want to
look at a massacre!
So, according to our records,
you are claiming a dependent
for which you have no
official documentation.
Yes?
Are you okay?
You're sweating profusely.
Oh, no, yes, yes, I, um,
I'm just very worried.
You know, the babysitters were
supposed to bring the baby back
by 3:00, and where are you?
Where are you guys?
I understand.
Crying baby!
Crying baby here!
Oh, my God.
There's my sweet baby.
Excuse me, won't you?
Come on. Let's go.
You guys, you found a baby!
Where did you find a baby?
Oh, you guys, I love you so much.
Where...?
Okay, Dee, which crucifix
do you find more tasteful?
Are out of your goddamn minds?
What is this? Where's the baby?
Do you really want a kidnapping on top
of all the other shit you got going on
right now?
We had a plan! We had a plan!
She's totally buying it, okay?
Come on. Make a decision.
Yeah, but for how long?
She could be out
there for for hours.
And I have to produce
a real baby!
Stop thinking about your problems and
start thinking about our problems.
Dee, calm down, calm down.
You are so emotional right now.
And so wet, too.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna kill you.
Okay, okay, just shut up for
a second, let me think.
All right, yes, go to the bar.
That'll get me out of here and buy me
some time to get this bitch off my balls.
Bye!
Very, very sick baby.
Very sick baby!
It's so sad when they don't
feel well, isn't it?
Lock up, won't you,
on your way out?
And let's definitely reschedule.
Let's do. Shh!
Hey, yeah, so I was thinking
about my title, because I think
it should be "Vice President
of Worldwide Disibution."
But you don't need a title.
What I need you to do for the next three
weeks is to deflect Mac and Charlie.
That's easy.
I can do that, Frank.
That's what I'm good at.
But I am gonna need a business
card, 'cause I want to be able
to hand that shit to people, so they
know that I am in a place of power.
It's not important.
It's important to me, Frank!
And I know that what's important
to you is money and power, but I
want real power, because
with real power comes real
responsibility, and I don't
want any of that shit.
I just want the money.
And the illusion of power.
And puss.
What?
Hell, I don't know, Frank.
I don't know, man.
What?
Tell me, tell me.
I need something.
I mean, I got this, uh...
this giant gaping hole inside me.
Oh.
And I'm-I'm always trying
to fill it with something.
I like to call it my,
uh, my God hole.
Oh.
And I think a lot of people in this
world, they-they fill it with religion.
But I don't believe in God.
But you want to
fill it with pussy.
Yeah.
Yo!
Hey, Dennis and Frank, you here?
Yeah, oh, oh!
Good. Guys, we got to help Dee
with her tax audit situation.
So, Dennis, please, if you
could take the floor.
W-Wait, wait.
What tax audit situation?
Oh, right.
Okay, so Dee's baby scheme blew up in
her face and now she's getting audited.
Deandra, did you tell
the IRS you work here?
Of course I did.
We can't have the IRS
looking around our books.
Why?
What's wrong with our books?
Let me step in here.
Um, I think what you're trying
to say is that the IRS poking
around our bar business
is no good for anyone.
Look, it's gonna be best for all of
us to get the IRS off of Dee's back.
Okay.
So, as the only rational and
emotionless person here, I'm
gonna tell you guys
what we need to do.
See, you've all been trying to convince
the IRS that Dee's baby is alive.
What you really need to be doing is
convincing the IRS that Dee's baby is dead.
This is dark.
Darkest thing we've ever done.
Mm-hmm.
Oh. Hello.
I'm looking for Dee Reynolds.
Yes.
Won't you have a seat please?
What's going on?
Baby croaked.
Oh, yes.
Oh, my God.
This is insane, right?
Mm-hmm.
I mean, this definitely feels like
emotion trumping reason, correct?
Yep.
Also, dude, I'm sorry, but is
this the size you had in mind?
Yes.
It's too big.
It's not too big.
You should just be happy I
didn't spray it down yet.
No, you're not getting
any more blood.
That's it.
"He was my sweet angel..."
All right, Dee, here we go.
It's showtime. Are you ready?
Okay, I have a couple questions.
Yeah?
I'm getting nervous, Dennis,
'cause I don't think I can do
the speech that you wrote.
Let me hear some of it.
Okay, and this is the thing, I-I
can't, I can't cry on command.
Jesus Christ, Dee.
I mean, how are you planning
on becoming an actress at all?
You can't make people laugh, 'cause you're
not funny, you can't cry on command.
What can you do?
I-I can try harder, but it's just that...
All right, well, the good
news is I anticipated this, so I brought...
What's that?
...a bit of chili powder.
I'm gonna blow this directly into
your eyes, and trust me, you'll cry.
Okay, is that safe though?
Is this...?
Well, it's, you know,
it's safe enough.
Let's give it a try, shall we?
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Shh-shh-shh.
Oh, shit!
Oh!
Shh-shh-shh.
Okay, listen, listen, listen.
Save it, save it!
We're starting.
Ready?
We're starting, Dee.
Break a leg.
Oh.
It's really heavy.
What did Frank put in there?
The urinal rocks.
Oh.
Coming in handy, huh?
Yeah.
Oh, this is a very sad day for
the entire Paddy's Pub family.
Mm-hmm.
At times like this, I-I like to quench
my thirst with a delicious Wolf Cola.
There's nothing like that...
to wash away the sorrow.
Hear, hear.
That's my bit.
Now it's time for the
grieving mother.
Uh... oh.
Hello, everyone.
Ah, God.
Thank you so much for coming.
It's such a sad day, isn't it?
Oh, little Barney.
You were my special angel.
And only angels can fly.
Good God. Sorry.
Sob.
Sob, you bitch.
Oh, it hurts!
God, it hurts!
The pain inside.
God, it hurts so bad.
Okay.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
That's enough.
Okay, Dee.
I'm sorry, I just...
Are my eyes bleeding?
Oh, my God, is there blood?
Okay. Oh!
Is there blood?!
You son of a bitch!
Wow.
Heavy stuff, guys.
Heavy stuff, heavy
subject matter.
Anyway, uh, Barney,
you died too young.
Before you could walk.
Before you could talk.
And before you had the chance
to get together the proper
paperwork, all that paperwork that you
need to prove-- Oh, thank you so much.
Wolf Cola, everyone.
It's the right
cola for closure.
Let's talk about closure, 'cause that...
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah.
Dude, something stinks.
I know, I know.
Have you noticed that all we wanted to
do was talk about our money... Right.
...and then we kept getting pushed
into talking about other things?
And then when we leave, Frank and
Dennis became all buddy-buddy.
Yeah, there were a lot of backroom
dealings going on in here, you know?
What the hell is this?
"Dennis Reynolds, Executive Vice
President of Worldwide Distribution.
Wolf Cola."
What the hell, dude?
See, now I'm getting pissed off,
you know, 'cause I think those
two are conspiring against us.
Let's go out there and expose these
sons of bitches for who they are.
And the most important thing to
remember is that this whole
thing is over, right?
Dead.
Every single person in
this room has to move on.
That's excellent.
Excellent, Dennis.
Thank you, thank you.
Now, we would like to pay our
respects to the dead baby.
And in the Christian tradition,
we're gonna open up the casket
to take one last look
at his tiny corpse.
You don't want to do that.
What is happening?
This is what you get when you
mess with the Pickle Party.
Pickle Party.
Prepare for your hearts
to turn to stones!
God.
What the hell is that?!
It's the dead dog
from the alleyway.
I was compromising.
I figured we'd give
it a proper burial.
Okay.
Well, I'm done here.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Dee's definitely going
down in this audit.
I think we're all
going down, Charlie.
Okay, you know what, here-- let's
vote on something once and for all.
Everybody in favor of Frank not
making all of the decisions in
the bar anymore,
raise your hands.
Great, that's settled.
Even he's on board.
Okay, and finally, all in favor
of going back to the old system
of organized chaos, where
emotion trumps reason every
single time and we just yell at
each other to get the shit that
we want, raise your hands.
Fantastic!
I've got a few things I'd like to
yell about now, so we can all start.
My eyes! My eyes!
You opened the casket!
urinals filled with rocks?
Oh, 'cause I put
a bunch of rocks in 'em.
Oh, okay, why?
Well, you know how they were broken,
so I was, like, filling them with ice.
Now the ice machine's broken, so I'm
just filling them up with rocks.
You know that doesn't
make any sense, right?
Replacing the ice with rocks?
The ice actually served a purpose...
Oh, oh, God!
Oh, something just
dripped in my mouth!
Yeah, the ceiling is leaking.
Oh, that's gross.
What'd it taste like?
What'd it taste like?
Who gives a shit what
it tasted like, Frank?
Dude, what the hell?
You have been docking our
paychecks lately so that you
could pay for shit like
this around the bar.
Why is nothing fixed?
Yeah, by the way, I never agreed
to let you dock my paycheck.
That seems like something
we should all vote on.
- It costs money to run this place and keep it main...
- Hey-oh!
What's up, bitches?
What the shit is this?
New scooter.
My surrogate money came in.
30 G's, babies.
Oh, sweet. Where's our cut?
Your cut?
Whoa, hey, Mac makes
a really good point.
Yeah, we worked our asses off
on that baby scheme of yours.
Give us part of the
money that you made.
What the hell are
you talking about?
You did nothing
for nine months.
Get out.
You couldn't have pulled something
like that off without us.
Yeah, they drove you to the
hospital, they picked you up.
I was there, I recall.
Okay, I made all the contacts,
I pushed that little
monkey out and now I'm going to
be claiming him as a dependent
and getting tax breaks
for the next 18 years.
So you talk about a scheme?
How's that for a long-term
scheme, bitches?
Uh, you guys all better eat a dick,
'cause Sweet Dee beat the system.
Oh, no, no, no, lady.
Sorry. Get out.
Whatever god you're selling,
I ain't buying it.
Miss Reynolds, I'm with the IRS.
We've been trying to
contact you for months.
Have you not received
any of our letters?
Letters? What is it, 1986?
I don't do letters, lady.
I'm all digital.
Well, if you had opened up the
letters you would understand
that you're being audited.
Audited?
Why?
What are you talking about?
I'm not scamming the government,
if that's what you're saying.
Your license plate
says "$CAMMIN."
Uh, no.
What do you mean no?
Yes.
Okay, I want to talk to you about
this dependent that you're
claiming-- this, uh,
Barnabas Reynolds.
Yes, I would love that.
I would love that because I love
to talk about little Barney, I do.
But now's not a great time,
you know what I mean?
Because I left him in the car--
with the window down of course.
It's hot.
It's hot, isn't it?
Well, is there a better time?
Would 3:00 work?
3:00 sounds great.
I can't wait for 3:00.
Hey, Frank, we need to talk.
We don't want you making any major
bar decisions alone anymore.
Because you're sleazy
and we don't trust you.
Yeah, we want to vote
on things now, okay?
We want a democracy.
Well, that ain't gonna work.
Because you guys get really
emotional about everything.
You'll start arguing about shit
and nothing will get done.
We know we're emotional people
and we've discussed that.
We think we have a solution.
We're going to have a daily meeting
where we will discuss all bar matters.
Emotion will be suppressed
and reason will prevail.
Reason will prevail!
Oh, yeah, we decided also that
we would say "Reason will
prevail," every time someone says...
Reason will prevail!
You don't have to say it
right now, because I'm just
explaining to Frank that reason will prevail...
Reason will prevail!
Again, you don't have
to say it right now.
I'm just explaining... If we're going to
say it, we're gonna say it every time.
If you made up the rule...
Okay, I'll tell you what-- I like this.
You do?
Yeah.
We should definitely do this
to make everything fair.
Everything aboveboard.
Let's go do it in there.
Come on.
The first meeting of Paddy's
congress shall commence henceforth.
Oh, first order of business.
Yeah?
Let's talk about how
Frank handles the money.
Yes.
Money, money, money, money, money, money...
Whoa, whoa.
I know we got to talk about the
money, but there are other
issues that are pressing, too.
Like what, dude?
Like one that comes to
mind is the dead dog.
What dead dog?
The dead dog in the alley.
It's been there
for about a week.
Yeah, and we decided that Charlie
was going to throw it in the trash.
No, you decided that.
We never got a vote.
If Mac and I got to vote on
that, we would have voted to,
like, you know, have
a proper dog burial.
That's a waste of
time and resources.
Okay, well, hold on a
second there, Frank.
Let's put our new
process into action.
I think the guys should have a
opportunity to state their case
in a rational and
unemotional way.
Guys, you have the floor.
Yeah.
All right, sure. Easy.
All right. No problem.
Okay...
Uh, okay, sometimes dogs die.
Right.
Um, dogs, uh...
die from cars sometimes.
Sometimes not.
There's also... Disease.
There's also disease
in America and abroad.
Many dogs... Goddamn it!
I don't know how to express myself unless
through anger and personal attack!
I'm getting very upset, because
I'm not saying it right!
All right, guys, guys...
I want a dog funeral!
Guys, calm down.
I'm going to step in here and I'm gonna
speak for you for a moment, if I may.
I don't think it's a good idea
for us to spend all of our
hard-earned cash on some ornate
display for the disposal of
what amounts to an
animal carcass.
An animal that we never knew--
or had a relationship with.
So I'm going to-- I'm going to go
ahead and say that I think we
should just throw
it in a Dumpster.
Come on!
Oh... But, but, but, we'll
have a candle on site.
We'll light it.
We'll have a boom box there and
you guys can say a few words.
Huh. I don't love it.
Me neither.
But that dog is turning into
hot soup out there in the sun.
Okay.
Frank?
Fine.
Okay!
Hey, it works.
Great. See, Frank, we can get through
these issues and be unemotional about it.
That's one issue off the
docket right there.
Next issue.
Let's talk about the money.
Money, okay... Oh, yes, we're going to
talk about the money, but we have a
list of things on the docket
here that we've got to check off.
And if we're gonna do it right,
we're gonna do it right.
And the next thing on the list
is limes and how we slice them.
Thick or thin?
Okay, let's talk about
the limes, guys.
We'll keep emotion out of it.
Reason will prevail.
Reason will prevail.
Okay, I think the limes
should be cut a bit thinner.
What the hell?!
Thin limes?!
People will choke!
People will die!
Calm down.
Charlie, Charlie, take
emotion out of it.
Charlie's got a point.
One of the cornerstones of
Paddy's Pub is thick limes.
Yeah, don't tell me... I'm going to put
my thumb through your eye, you little
bitch!
No, no, no. Shh.
Stay calm, stay...
Hey, hey, hey, look at me.
Look at me, eh?
Stay calm with me, okay?
Be unemotional.
Let's-Let's be democratic.
Let's put this thing to a vote.
A vote?
A vote solves everything in
a democracy, does it not?
Yes.
So, all for thinner limes,
raise your hands.
And all for thicker limes,
raise your hands.
Now, there you go.
That's a democracy in action.
That's two votes
against two votes.
A perfect example of when
democracy has failed.
Good news, Dee!
We have decided to occasionally
let you vote on some pressing
matters in the bar
as we see fit.
What?
Where do you land on thick
limes or thin limes?
And try and keep your emotions
out of it even though people
could choke and die.
What are you talking about?
What's, what's going on in here?
Are you having another baby?
No! No, it's fine, okay?
I have it all under control.
I just, I'm getting audited.
Audited? Oh, she's screwed.
That's the tax man?
Yeah.
I'm not screwed.
I got it all under control, okay?
I've got a handle on it.
I just got to find a baby
by 3:00 in the afternoon.
Just get out. Just get out now.
Hmm, a vote for thin limes would
get me out of your apartment.
Better yet, a vote for thick
limes, I'll throw myself full
force into this little
baby caper of yours.
I don't need your help.
Look, Dee, you need our
help, we need your help.
Let's work something out here.
I don't know which stance you're
gonna do, and I don't wanna do it.
Stop, stop standing like me.
Okay, yeah, let's help
each other out, okay?
I got an idea.
You guys go magically find me a
baby by 3:00 in the afternoon,
and then I'll-I'll help you
out with your lime problem.
Okay.
Yeah.
What?
We can get you a baby.
Yeah, you want, we'll get you
a baby, no magic required.
How many babies you need?
Yeah.
Just the one baby.
How long? Couple hours?
3:00 this afternoon.
No, no.
How long you need it for?
You want it for life or you...?
Just a short-time baby.
Just a short-time baby.
Just a short-time baby? Easy.
Oh, my God, you guys,
this is so exciting!
Oh, this is amazing!
You have no idea how
much you're helping me.
Okay, let's see, um, all
right, I tell you what.
Here's how to handle
your lime situation.
It has been decided.
We are now the Pickle Party.
And Dee has joined us.
We are going to vote for pickles
in the bar instead of limes.
What are you talking about?
It doesn't matter.
The point is, our three votes
will always beat your two.
We win, dude.
We're the winners, okay?
Give me a beer with
a pickle in it.
Well, what happens when you
three disagree with each other?
We're not going to disagree.
That is the point of the Pickle Party,
we're very aligned on these issues.
Charlie, you can't just
start your own party.
You got to talk to people about...
Yes, you can.
You can?
If you're not as educated or as
informed, what you do is you
start your own party and
you yell the loudest.
We want attention!
Okay, all right, yeah, sure.
No, you're the Pickle Party.
Great. Okay, so let's just
accept that and move on.
Yes, Frank, move on.
Reason will prevail.
Pickles will prevail!
Okay, well, the next issue on our
list should be a pretty easy
one for the Pickle
Party to agree on.
"A crucifix in the bar."
Ah, you are right,
this is an easy one.
Why wouldn't we have a
crucifix in the bar?
'Cause we're a bar.
Right, but we're an
Irish Catholic bar.
We're an Irish bar.
Yeah, Irish Catholic bar, and
therefore a giant wooden
crucifix is a celebration
or our heritage.
Giant?
Yeah.
How big of a crucifix
do you want?
Big. It should be the
centerpiece of the whole room.
I mean, it should dominate
every conversation.
That's gonna be terrifying!
It should be terrifying.
That's how you know God
loves you, Charlie.
I don't want a giant bloody man in the
bar scaring the customers, and most
importantly, me!
You see that, Frank?
I saw it.
I just played them
like a fiddle.
A goddamn fiddle.
What do you want?
I want in on the action.
Whatever it is that you got going on
around here, I want a piece of it, okay?
You see, Frank, you might not
know this, but you need me.
People don't trust you, Frank.
You're a piece of shit and
you're ugly and you ooze sleaze
and you're very, very ugly.
All right, I'm gonna
make you my puppet.
Right here.
Puppet.
Look, I've been cooking the
books in the bar for years.
I faking knew it.
I mean, all kinds of avenues
and shell corporations.
It's all fake and
it's all in here.
Let me see.
Check it out right there.
Oh, man, holy shit.
What, what is this one?
"Wolf Cola"?
Wolf Cola, that's a
bogus soda distributor.
I made it up. It's fake!
Look, the whole idea is the more
corporations that you can plant offshore...
Right.
...the more money
you can rake in.
Da-da-da! I don't care about any
of these details, but I like
these figures I'm seeing.
All right, I'll be the puppet
and do my dance, and you can
keep the goddamn
details to yourself.
Uh! I don't think I hear
any arguing out there.
So we can have the crucifix, but it
needs to be in the back of the bar.
See? I can live with that.
That's a compromise
right there, man.
All right!
Pickle Party compromise!
Huh-huh-huh!
Tasteful crucifix party.
Hey-hey-hey, all right!
Sounds like you guys
came to a compromise.
That's great. We cross the
crucifix issue off the list.
One quick question
before I do, though.
How bloody is this guy gonna be?
Not bloody at all.
Very bloody.
What?
He's gotta be drenched in blood.
I mean, covered in blood.
Why?
Well, that's the whole point.
You need to see the
wounds of Christ.
He needs to be ravaged.
Oh, God, dude, it's bad enough
I'm gonna let you put the
stupid cross up in the first first place...
Stupid cross?!
You son of a bitch, I knew it!
I knew it! I knew it!
Don't make fun!
That's the whole point!
Do it peaceful-like!
It's a massacre!
There's nothing peaceful.
I don't want to
look at a massacre!
So, according to our records,
you are claiming a dependent
for which you have no
official documentation.
Yes?
Are you okay?
You're sweating profusely.
Oh, no, yes, yes, I, um,
I'm just very worried.
You know, the babysitters were
supposed to bring the baby back
by 3:00, and where are you?
Where are you guys?
I understand.
Crying baby!
Crying baby here!
Oh, my God.
There's my sweet baby.
Excuse me, won't you?
Come on. Let's go.
You guys, you found a baby!
Where did you find a baby?
Oh, you guys, I love you so much.
Where...?
Okay, Dee, which crucifix
do you find more tasteful?
Are out of your goddamn minds?
What is this? Where's the baby?
Do you really want a kidnapping on top
of all the other shit you got going on
right now?
We had a plan! We had a plan!
She's totally buying it, okay?
Come on. Make a decision.
Yeah, but for how long?
She could be out
there for for hours.
And I have to produce
a real baby!
Stop thinking about your problems and
start thinking about our problems.
Dee, calm down, calm down.
You are so emotional right now.
And so wet, too.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna kill you.
Okay, okay, just shut up for
a second, let me think.
All right, yes, go to the bar.
That'll get me out of here and buy me
some time to get this bitch off my balls.
Bye!
Very, very sick baby.
Very sick baby!
It's so sad when they don't
feel well, isn't it?
Lock up, won't you,
on your way out?
And let's definitely reschedule.
Let's do. Shh!
Hey, yeah, so I was thinking
about my title, because I think
it should be "Vice President
of Worldwide Disibution."
But you don't need a title.
What I need you to do for the next three
weeks is to deflect Mac and Charlie.
That's easy.
I can do that, Frank.
That's what I'm good at.
But I am gonna need a business
card, 'cause I want to be able
to hand that shit to people, so they
know that I am in a place of power.
It's not important.
It's important to me, Frank!
And I know that what's important
to you is money and power, but I
want real power, because
with real power comes real
responsibility, and I don't
want any of that shit.
I just want the money.
And the illusion of power.
And puss.
What?
Hell, I don't know, Frank.
I don't know, man.
What?
Tell me, tell me.
I need something.
I mean, I got this, uh...
this giant gaping hole inside me.
Oh.
And I'm-I'm always trying
to fill it with something.
I like to call it my,
uh, my God hole.
Oh.
And I think a lot of people in this
world, they-they fill it with religion.
But I don't believe in God.
But you want to
fill it with pussy.
Yeah.
Yo!
Hey, Dennis and Frank, you here?
Yeah, oh, oh!
Good. Guys, we got to help Dee
with her tax audit situation.
So, Dennis, please, if you
could take the floor.
W-Wait, wait.
What tax audit situation?
Oh, right.
Okay, so Dee's baby scheme blew up in
her face and now she's getting audited.
Deandra, did you tell
the IRS you work here?
Of course I did.
We can't have the IRS
looking around our books.
Why?
What's wrong with our books?
Let me step in here.
Um, I think what you're trying
to say is that the IRS poking
around our bar business
is no good for anyone.
Look, it's gonna be best for all of
us to get the IRS off of Dee's back.
Okay.
So, as the only rational and
emotionless person here, I'm
gonna tell you guys
what we need to do.
See, you've all been trying to convince
the IRS that Dee's baby is alive.
What you really need to be doing is
convincing the IRS that Dee's baby is dead.
This is dark.
Darkest thing we've ever done.
Mm-hmm.
Oh. Hello.
I'm looking for Dee Reynolds.
Yes.
Won't you have a seat please?
What's going on?
Baby croaked.
Oh, yes.
Oh, my God.
This is insane, right?
Mm-hmm.
I mean, this definitely feels like
emotion trumping reason, correct?
Yep.
Also, dude, I'm sorry, but is
this the size you had in mind?
Yes.
It's too big.
It's not too big.
You should just be happy I
didn't spray it down yet.
No, you're not getting
any more blood.
That's it.
"He was my sweet angel..."
All right, Dee, here we go.
It's showtime. Are you ready?
Okay, I have a couple questions.
Yeah?
I'm getting nervous, Dennis,
'cause I don't think I can do
the speech that you wrote.
Let me hear some of it.
Okay, and this is the thing, I-I
can't, I can't cry on command.
Jesus Christ, Dee.
I mean, how are you planning
on becoming an actress at all?
You can't make people laugh, 'cause you're
not funny, you can't cry on command.
What can you do?
I-I can try harder, but it's just that...
All right, well, the good
news is I anticipated this, so I brought...
What's that?
...a bit of chili powder.
I'm gonna blow this directly into
your eyes, and trust me, you'll cry.
Okay, is that safe though?
Is this...?
Well, it's, you know,
it's safe enough.
Let's give it a try, shall we?
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Shh-shh-shh.
Oh, shit!
Oh!
Shh-shh-shh.
Okay, listen, listen, listen.
Save it, save it!
We're starting.
Ready?
We're starting, Dee.
Break a leg.
Oh.
It's really heavy.
What did Frank put in there?
The urinal rocks.
Oh.
Coming in handy, huh?
Yeah.
Oh, this is a very sad day for
the entire Paddy's Pub family.
Mm-hmm.
At times like this, I-I like to quench
my thirst with a delicious Wolf Cola.
There's nothing like that...
to wash away the sorrow.
Hear, hear.
That's my bit.
Now it's time for the
grieving mother.
Uh... oh.
Hello, everyone.
Ah, God.
Thank you so much for coming.
It's such a sad day, isn't it?
Oh, little Barney.
You were my special angel.
And only angels can fly.
Good God. Sorry.
Sob.
Sob, you bitch.
Oh, it hurts!
God, it hurts!
The pain inside.
God, it hurts so bad.
Okay.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
That's enough.
Okay, Dee.
I'm sorry, I just...
Are my eyes bleeding?
Oh, my God, is there blood?
Okay. Oh!
Is there blood?!
You son of a bitch!
Wow.
Heavy stuff, guys.
Heavy stuff, heavy
subject matter.
Anyway, uh, Barney,
you died too young.
Before you could walk.
Before you could talk.
And before you had the chance
to get together the proper
paperwork, all that paperwork that you
need to prove-- Oh, thank you so much.
Wolf Cola, everyone.
It's the right
cola for closure.
Let's talk about closure, 'cause that...
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah.
Dude, something stinks.
I know, I know.
Have you noticed that all we wanted to
do was talk about our money... Right.
...and then we kept getting pushed
into talking about other things?
And then when we leave, Frank and
Dennis became all buddy-buddy.
Yeah, there were a lot of backroom
dealings going on in here, you know?
What the hell is this?
"Dennis Reynolds, Executive Vice
President of Worldwide Distribution.
Wolf Cola."
What the hell, dude?
See, now I'm getting pissed off,
you know, 'cause I think those
two are conspiring against us.
Let's go out there and expose these
sons of bitches for who they are.
And the most important thing to
remember is that this whole
thing is over, right?
Dead.
Every single person in
this room has to move on.
That's excellent.
Excellent, Dennis.
Thank you, thank you.
Now, we would like to pay our
respects to the dead baby.
And in the Christian tradition,
we're gonna open up the casket
to take one last look
at his tiny corpse.
You don't want to do that.
What is happening?
This is what you get when you
mess with the Pickle Party.
Pickle Party.
Prepare for your hearts
to turn to stones!
God.
What the hell is that?!
It's the dead dog
from the alleyway.
I was compromising.
I figured we'd give
it a proper burial.
Okay.
Well, I'm done here.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Dee's definitely going
down in this audit.
I think we're all
going down, Charlie.
Okay, you know what, here-- let's
vote on something once and for all.
Everybody in favor of Frank not
making all of the decisions in
the bar anymore,
raise your hands.
Great, that's settled.
Even he's on board.
Okay, and finally, all in favor
of going back to the old system
of organized chaos, where
emotion trumps reason every
single time and we just yell at
each other to get the shit that
we want, raise your hands.
Fantastic!
I've got a few things I'd like to
yell about now, so we can all start.
My eyes! My eyes!
You opened the casket!