It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Gang Hits the Road - full transcript

[Tool Clicking] [Frank] You gotta
be careful of the wire, Charlie.

[Charlie] I'm not gonna pinch the wire.
I know what I'm doing.

'Cause then the brake lights don't work.
I know what I'm doing.

Make sure it's on tight.
It's on as tight as it's gonna get!

Okay. All right.
It's on good and tight.

Hey, Dennis, I think we should
get, like, a G.P.S. System,

'cause these maps are from, like, the '70s, dude.
G.P.S. System? Oh, hell, no!

No? That's gonna ruin the
road trip experience.

We gotta go do this old school, baby.
Maps, fresh cigarettes, fresh coffee,

cooking out on the grill, sleeping
in sleeping bags. Old school.

Old school, baby!
I'm into that!

Campfire.
Let's do old school!

Old school, yeah!
Oh, shit. [Horn Honks]

- Oh, shit.
- Who is that? That Sweet Dee?

That's Dee.
That's Sweet Dee.

Oh, goddamn it.
What is that car?

What is she doing here?
[Charlie] What car is that?

Ah, shit. Okay, don't- don't-
Just don't say anything.

Hey, guys. What's with the trailer?
[Mac] Hey.

None of your business.
What are you doing here so early?

- Why are you at work early? - I woke up early
this morning and went and bought a new car.

It's pretty sweet.
Where you guys going?

- We're going to the Grand Canyon.
- Goddamn it, Frank!

- Really? - Frank wants to
see it before he dies, so...

Yeah, what happened was he told us
about a road trip. We got all excited.

We got up super early
and we packed the car...

- and were hoping to get out of here before your bus arrived.
- You were just gonna ditch me?

Nah, it's cool.
I'm gonna stick around.

Yeah. Charlie's too scared. Yeah.
He's never left Philly before.

I'm not scared!
I just haven't left Philly.

Why leave Philly, you know?
He's frightened.

- I want to go.
- No, you're not going.

You can't come
'cause it'll take forever.

Yeah, and you're gonna have to pee every
five minutes. It's gonna be stupid.

I'm not gonna get stuck
behind with Charlie.

Wait a second! If you go, I'm gonna
be all by myself in the bar.

That's messed up, guys. I mean, that's
more change than, like, even if I went.

- You know what? Maybe I should go.
- Great. We're all in.

It's gonna be packed in the car!
No, we're not all in.

- Yeah, we're going.
- We're going on a road trip, baby!

Why did you have to buy
a new car today of all days?

I'll go get my stuff.

[Dee] I can't believe you've never
been out of Philly, Charlie.

Yeah, man. What the hell?
I've never done a lot of things.

What else have you not done, bro?
Uh, I've never eaten a pear.

What? How is that possible?
Seriously.

Really? Pears weird me out, dude.
Where do you start with a pear?

The top, the bottom?
What do you mean, where do you start?

Just bite into it. It's a fruit.
You just start it.

Really? You just bite it?
It's a weird-looking thing.

Okay, you know what?
Pull over. I'm getting this kid a pear.

No, no. No pulling over!
We've got a schedule. Yeah, no, no.

I would love to take a quick leak.
Are you serious?

Oh, Deandra!
We just left!

That's what
I was worried about.

And it can't just be any pear, dude.
It's gotta be a fresh one.

Let's go to the Italian market.
Oh, okay.

Hey-oh! The Italian market
is way out of our way.

Nah.
Dennis, do you have to smoke?

It's coming right back
in through my window.

Roll your window up then,
Dee, 'cause I'm a-smoking.

The window needs to be
down for the fresh air.

Hey, I've never had
blueberries either. What?

What are you talking about?
That's crazy!

That is completely insane.
We're definitely going to the Italian market.

Dennis, let's go.
You believe this guy? Jesus!

- What guy?
- Guy on the bike.

He's taking up
the whole goddamn road.

Ride on the sidewalk if you're
gonna ride a bike, asshole!

[Honking] What was that?

He flicked you off, dude.
Is that what that was?

He flicked you off, man.
Son of a bitch.

Real chip on his shoulder, huh?
You wanna egg him?

Yeah, I wanna egg him.
You got eggs?

No. That would have been good though.
That would've been good, man.

You know what? I'm gonna fire a beer
across his bow. Ruffle his feathers.

Yeah, give him a good scare?
Yeah, man.

[Dee] Yeah. Jerk.
Get up real close to him.

Hey, asshole.
Ooh!

Oh, shit!

[All] Oh!

Shit!
I hit him! I hit him!

You hit him in the back of the head!
I didn't mean to.

- That is not how I expected
that to go at all. - Is he okay?

- Did we kill him?
- I don't know. Oh, he's getting up.

[Frank] He's moving, he's moving.
[Mac] Yeah, he's getting up.

Thank God, dude. God.
Should we help him out?

[Mac] And he's getting something out of his bag.
[Dennis] What's he getting?

It's a pipe. It's a pipe?
Go, go, go, go, go!

- [Dee] Go, go, go, go!
- [All Shouting At Once]

What's wrong with your tires?
The car's scraping.

[Charlie] All right, get back to the bar.
Get back to the bar.

Damn it!

Goddamn it!
Shit!

These tires are completely destroyed.
Ah, shit!

I'm just gonna pop inside
real quick, take a quick squirt.

Unbelievable. How about we put a
couple of doughnuts on there?

Oh, right, Frank. We're gonna go to
the Grand Canyon on spare tires.

Uh, plus there's a good deal of
mountain bike in your axle here, bro.

[Dennis] Seriously, dude? Yeah.
We're talking structural damage down there.

There's leakage.
Things are sparking.

All right. Well, road trip's off.
No, no, no, no, no.

Road trip's not off.
I have a good idea.

Not bad, right?
Nah.

It's kinda nice.
Lot of leg room.

It's a smooth ride.
You guys got a lot of room back there?

Oh, yeah. We got easy
access to the beers too.

I mean, that's a good touch.
New car smell.

Mmm. How do you get that in a used car?
What is that?

It's a spray.
Yeah, it's a spray.

Oh, yeah.
It's nice.

I enjoy it, man.
I'm glad that they did that. It's nice.

I wish that this light would hurry up and change.
That's the only thing. Uh-oh!

- Hey! Hey, you bastards!
- [All Groan]

You jerks! Hey! Hey!
[Dennis] Ah, here we go.

Goddamn it! Get out!
[Charlie] All right.

All right, all right, all right.
It's my car. I'm driving. Get out!

I got window!
Get out!

[Charlie]
You call window, Frank?

You jerks!
I got window.

[Dee] You guys are dicks.
It took you long enough.

You were taking forever!
Did you still want to go?

Shut up! It's really cramped
back here with this cooler.

Why don't you put
the cooler in the trailer?

Because then, Dee, we're gonna have to pull
over every single time we want a beer.

That new car smell is starting to give me a headache.
Dennis, give me a cigarette.

You want a cigarette?
Yeah.

I'm gonna have one too.
Do you guys have to smoke in here?

Yeah- Well, your car reeks, Dee, so-
[Blows Raspberry]

God, dude, this thing
is so heavy!

I'm gonna get a blood clot
with this thing! Oh, my God!

Why don't you put it
in the trailer?

Why don't I put you in the trailer?
Good one, Charlie.

That's actually not a bad idea.
I wouldn't mind riding back there.

There's a hell of a lot more room.
I'm done with that.

[Both Exclaim] [Dee] Oh, come on!

Oh, it's in my- Get it!
You're gonna burn a hole in the new upholstery!

It's not new upholstery.
What makes you think it's new upholstery?

Did you get it?
Oh, yeah!

This sucks! Deandra, pull over.
This is terrible.

I wanna go in the back with Dennis.
Yeah.

You guys ride in back, and we'll- Yeah.
We'll go in the back.

Mmm. This is more like it,
huh, Frank?

Got a lot of room back here.

It's muggy back here. Muggy.
My glands are starting to swell up.

Yeah. Well, maybe we crack
that door a little bit.

What? And go flying out at the first corner?
I don't think so, buddy.

Well, just to crack it-
just a little bit.

- You want to crack it?
- Yeah, we'll crack it.

- Crack it.
- Whoa. It's hard to stand up back here.

Furniture is what we need.
We'll pick some up at the Italian market.

When's the last time you saw
furniture in an Italian market?

Those people will sell you anything.
They'll sell you their children. They don't care.

- Provolone and salami.
- They sell everything at the Italian market.

These people are like
descendants of Gypsies.

They come in. They sell their shit.
They bang each other.

I don't know what they do, but you get
to haggle with them. It's a lot of fun.

- In the meantime, I'll prop this beer
bottle under the door. - All right.

That's good.
[Groans] Yeah.

Uh-
There we go.

Perfect. Now, the weight of the door
will keep the beer bottle in place.

Good.

Nice, huh? Move over a little bit.
Let me sit on the cooler.

Goddamn it!

All right, now this I can get into.
You know? A little space back here.

You guys want to listen to some tunes?
Got some CDs from Dennis here.

Hate to break it to you, but there's no
CD player in here. Are you shitting me?

No. Why would you buy a
car with no CD player?

Because the guy knocked 50 bucks off.
So you had the option?

Yeah, I had the option! Oh, my God!
And you went with the tape deck?

Yes, I did, Charlie!
That is so cheap, Dee!

You're cheap! Why did you buy this
crappy little car in the first place?

Because you guys rammed my last
one into a wall! That's why.

Whatever.
What tapes do you have?

Tapes?
Who has tapes anymore?

I would've thought that you would've
at least made a mix for the road trip.

You didn't invite me
on your road trip!

You don't keep
a good mix tape in your car?

I just bought the car this morning, Charlie!
Okay! All right!

Are you going to yell the whole
way there, Dee? Jesus Christ.

Just shut up and turn the radio on.
Yeah, put the radio on.

Just turn the radio on!
[Radio: Tuning]

Find a station.
I'm trying.

The antenna is probably broken on this piece of shit car!
It's static. Find a station.

You're a piece of shit...
car. Wait a second.

There's a tape right down here, I think.
You got a tape?

Yeah, it's under the seat.
Give it to me. Gimme.

It's jammed in the corner of the seat.
Give it to me.

I'm trying to give it- Gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme,

There we go. Gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme...

Calm down, dude.
[Cassette Clicks]

♪♪ [New Age] [Man's
Voice] Inner peace...

Oh, man.

Is an attainable goal.

The first step is releasing
the anger and aggression...

that one holds inside.
Pop it out, right?

Yeah.
Quickly.

All right, I'm gonna run to the
ladies' room for two seconds.

I'm gonna take my keys in case
you jerks try anything. Really?

All right, Charlie. Get ready to scratch
two things off of your bucket list.

Oh, I don't have a bucket list,
dude, 'cause I'm not dying.

Everybody's dying, bitch.
Let's get you some fruit.

Guys, we're gonna go grab some
furniture to throw in the back.

Ten minutes. That's all.
And we meet back here.

Well, yeah. But get a good deal.
I mean, talk to the guy. Barter.

There's no rush, right?
Ten. Ten minutes.

Have fun, man. Have fun.
Uh, I've never had a strawberry either.

That's astounding.

Oh, Charlie,
I'm excited for you, bro.

Hey!
Pears.

Nice! Yes. One of nature's
most delectable fruits.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.
Excuse me, sir.

How much for this?
Those are 50 cents.

Well, I won't pay full price.
So I'll give you a dime.

They're 50 cents, buddy. Very well.
I'll drop you a quarter.

No.
Okay. Thirty-five cents.

I don't have time for this friggin' shit.
Give me the 35.

Hey, yeah!
Nice, man.

I talked you down.
Good barter.

There you go.
Good barter.

All right, Bozo. Thank you.

I'm calling a lot of people Bozo now.
It's like my new thing. Dude.

Chomp into it. Yeah.
Just bite it?

Okay. Like a piece of fruit.
You would bite into it...

[Groans] Tastes like sand.

Like sand?

Oh, that-
that pear's not ripe, dude.

Ah. He burned us.
Gypsy son of a bitch burned us.

Excuse me, sir?
What are you doing to my friend, Bozo?

You burned us. It's dry.
You picked it out.

Well, let's not get into a whole "who picked out what.
" I want my 35 cents back.

- Charlie, give him the pear.
- I can't. I just ate it.

The whole thing?
Yeah. It was pretty gross.

The stem and then-
and the core?

You didn't tell me not
to eat the stem, dude!

Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?
Yeah, it was gross!

Of course it's gross!
It's a sticker, bro!

I eat stickers all the time, dude!
Oh, my God.

This whole thing is a disaster.
I'm going back to the car.

Come on. Let's go. I don't know.
They got a lot of good stuff here.

I like the rocking chair.
Very nice.

But I do like those wicker chairs.
They might be more forgiving on my bottom.

Good. It's a tough decision though.
I don't know.

Well, make one, Den.
Make one, please. Make a decision?

Um, sir? Hi. We're interested
in these wicker chairs,

but we're totally unwilling
to pay full price for them, so...

You're gonna barter with the guy?
Yeah.

We're not gonna barter with him.
We're not bartering. We'll pay full price.

Get the wicker chairs.
No, no, no, no, no. Frank.

Come on. The Gypsy wants to barter.
Let's barter with him.

We don't have time to barter.
All right. We'll pay full price for...

Whoa.
Is that a French press?

Sir, how much for that
fine-looking French press?

We don't need
a French press, Dennis.

What, do you expect me to drink gas station
coffee all the way to the Grand Canyon?

I don't think so, asshole. Sir, the man
will pay full price for the French press,

or I will, however, be willing to
barter with you for a very long time.

- Full price.
- Great!

Hey, you guys seen anybody
selling cassette tapes?

Deandra, what the hell are you doing?
What are you drinking?

It's an energy drink. You guys are drinking beer.
I gotta tweak on something.

You're gonna be pissing
every 15 feet. Nah!

I know what I'm doing.
I'm buying you a piss jar. Ooh!

Hold on a second.
I think I see some tapes down there.

I'm gonna go barter with that guy.
Barter with the Gypsy.

Dude, I'm telling you, it's black to yellow.
And no one ever uses...

Black to yellow? No, dude. It's blue to something.
You never let me do this, okay?

And hurry up, man.
It's blue to something.

Just use the black to yellow, and
the car will start. Oh, shit!

You guys, check it out.
I found this Soul Asylum tape,

and I totally talked the guy down
to, like, half the asking price.

Yeah.
Oh, goddamn it!

Yeah. There was a bunch
of wires hanging down,

and I was trying to put them back
up into- Shut up! Just shut up!

Here's your piss jar.

Yo, Frank, I'm gonna hop in the back with Dennis.
You want to switch with me?

Switch-ola? They're gonna argue the whole way.
I don't wanna listen to it.

No, I don't like it in there anyway.
All right.

- Hey, you want a cup of joe, my man?
- Oh, yeah, definitely, dude.

I got a pipin'-hot one ready for you right now.
Hook me up, bro.

Hook me up!
All right. [Laughs]

That's a pretty sweet duct tape rig
you got going on the door, man.

[Dennis] You like that? Taped the chairs
down too, so they don't slide any.

I know, but you stopped at the grill,
and that's got me confused.

- Ran out of tape actually. - Oh, right.
It's not gonna slide through the crack?

It won't because I measured the crack, and the
crack is smaller than the height of the grill.

- We are all hooked up here, dude.
- Mmm.

Now, are you nervous at all about leaving Philly?
Like, is anything bad gonna happen?

[Chuckles] I don't think so, man.
I'm excited about it.

I've just never been outside of Philly.
I don't know what people are like.

- Well, people are people.
- Nobody's gonna be, like, a dick?

There are probably gonna be some
dicks out there. Yeah, sure.

But I'll be there. I'll back you up, man.
Hey, thanks, man.

I tell you what will help. Shotgun a beer?
That'll calm my nerves.

It sure will.
Let's do that.

[Mac] I'm bored.
[Dee] Yeah.

Let's play a drinking game.
Name all 50 states. Drink while you think.

That's gonna suck.
I'm not drinking.

Frank, will you drive for a little bit?
I've been drinking all day.

[Mutters] Fine.
Uh, go. Maine.

Uh, New Hampshire.
Vermont.

Philly.
North Virginia.

South Virginia.
East Virginia.

Uh, South Virginia.
Did I say that already? Yes.

Are you guys shitting me?
Shit. All right. Start over.

No, I'm not gonna start over.
I was right. The game sucks.

It's the drinking
that's the amusing part.

I got an idea.

Georgia. That's six.

Oh. I was gonna-
No.

[Laughs] Jesus Christ.

You guys are gonna be hammered before
I'm finished naming the East Coast.

Bro, I gotta cook up some hot dogs, man.
All right.

I got a proposition for you, man.
Check this out.

What do you say we smash
these wicker chairs to bits,

put them in the middle
of the U-Haul- which is metal...

and we burn the wicker chairs
and cook the hot dogs on that?

What do you mean?
Cook the hot dogs over the fire?

And then we'll get some new wicker chairs
next time we're at a Gypsy hangout spot.

Okay. You think we're gonna be
going to a lot of those?

'Cause I feel like I already dodged a
bullet once today. What do you mean?

Well, I mean, you know, Gypsies- I don't
want anyone shrinking my head and shit.

Yeah. Yeah.
Well, first of all,

it was not Gypsies ever
that did that.

That's sort of
a witch doctor thing.

But either way, neither one
of them can shrink heads.

Let's burn the chairs. All right.
A couple hot dogs will calm me down.

Thanks for driving.
I really appreciate the ride.

Yeah.

[Slurring] So you're
headed to Hollywood, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. You're running
away from home, aren't you?

Um, yeah, maybe.
Kinda.

Oh, no, no, no.

Sweet baby, they are gonna
eat you alive in Hollywood.

[Gasps] Oh, you're definitely
gonna end up doing gay porn...

with this tiny little
body of yours. No.

Oh, man, kid.

I'll be fine.

I've actually got an uncle
out there that's...

Shh.

I got something you need
to hear about.

Hold on a second.

[Cassette Clicks] [Soul Asylum] # Just
easier than dealin' with the pain #

[With Cassette] # Runaway
train never comin' back #

♪ Wrong way on a one-way track ♪.

Right. I've actually got this
uncle out there that said that...

♪ Seems like I'm neither
here nor there ♪

♪ Runaway train
tearin' up the- the track ♪

♪ Runaway train
tearin' up the track ♪

♪♪ [Continues] [Slurring] Shit.

[Gasps] What is that?

Is that piss? Is that piss?

Pull over! You might as well pull over.
He's just gonna keep yelling.

Pull over, you little dick!

[Groans] Stop the car!

Piss!
You know what?

Jesus Christ, Dee!
I'm covered in piss!

Well, maybe you shouldn't
have had your window down!

Maybe you shouldn't be throwing
jars of pee out the window!

Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't.
It's up for debate. You shouldn't!

Hey, what the hell is that?

[Mac Coughs, Spits] Oh!

Oh! Oh.
[Coughing]

Holy shit!

Damn. It's dark, and we haven't
even left Philly yet. [Coughing]

I'm so sorry, dude.
I don't know what happened, man.

It's like, we lit the chairs, and there must've
been a glaze on the wicker or something.

Yeah. 'Cause, like, we
passed out instantly.

- Some sort of a poison glaze.
- What are we, 20 minutes away from the bar?

Yeah, we're close.
I use this gas station all the time.

Sorry. Took a little longer than I thought.
There was a line for the bathroom.

Hey-oh! Check out this couch
I found by the Dumpster.

Toss it in. Nice.
Got it, buddy.

Wait. What's the plan here?
You guys are still gonna ride in the back?

Oh, yeah.
I sure as shit am, dude.

You're not gonna get the smell of
piss out of that car for weeks.

Yeah, it's pretty bad.
I'm in. Me too.

You guys getting in too?
All right, let's do it.

All right, whatever.
[Coughing]

Have fun in the death trap!

I guess I'm riding with you, bro.

Hey, you're not gonna
sing to me, are you?

I might.

[Sighs] All right.

Hey, you know, Dee, I didn't
want to say anything back there,

'cause I didn't want to be
rude to the kid,

but you really gotta be careful
just picking up hitchhikers.

I know. But that kid was, like, really
young and sweet and innocent-looking.

Right. But those are the ones
you gotta watch out for.

Those are the most
dangerous hitchhikers...

the ones that lure you into thinking
they're sane by acting like normal people.

They act like they're normal
and then they carve you up.

No way. Wasn't gonna happen.
I had my eyes on him the whole time.

See, I've always got an "A,"
"B" and a "C" strike plan...

to get us out of any potentially
life-threatening situation.

Yeah. He probably just carved up
his mother and father,

and he's running away on the road.
That's right.

Could be, Frank. All I'm saying is
that I'm ready for any situation.

- And that's why you're all safe
as long as I'm around. - Uh-huh.

Yeah. I did an ocular pat-down
and I cleared him.

Say what?
I'm sorry?

I'm saying that I did an ocular
assessment of the situation,

garnered that he was not a security
risk, and I cleared him for passage.

[Chuckling]
"Ocular pat-down"!

What in the hell
are you talking about?

I'm talking about breaking down
the security situation,

clearing an individual
and making it safe for passage.

Well, how exactly do you view yourself
within the context of our group?

The sheriff of Paddy's.

Well, I can't have this
conversation right now.

The sheriff of Paddy's?
Can you move?

I want to unfold this thing.
I'm gonna pass out.

Got a long trip ahead of us.
Careful.

[Frank] I got it.

[Frank] I got it.

[Birds Chirping]

[Frank Snoring, Muttering]

[Muttering Continues]

[Grumbles]
Aah! Aah!

Get off me, dude!

Are we moving?

I think we're stopped.
Dee, what time is it? What?

Hmm?

7:00 a.m. 7:00 a.m.?
Shit, we've been driving all night.

We're not moving, are we?
No.

Whoa. Shit.
You think we're, like, halfway there?

Where do you think we are?
I wonder how far we got.

[Mac] I wonder if we're like...

What the hell is this?
[Frank Groans]

- Oh, are we back at Paddy's?
- Wait. Where the hell is my car?

Oh, goddamn!

Shit balls!
What's going on?

[Gasps]

[Yawns] Hey, you guys are back!

- How was the Grand Canyon?
- What the hell happened to my car, Charlie?

I don't know. Last thing I remember,
uh, we were at the gas station.

And then you guys hopped in back, and I
hopped in front with the hitchhiker.

Then I got freaked out about leaving Philly,
so I asked him if he'd drop me off back here.

And he said he'd take you guys to the Grand Canyon,
and then I drank all night and passed out.

And then you guys were getting here now,
so I figured- Did you go and come back?

He didn't take us
to the Grand Canyon.

He detached the trailer
and stole my car!

Really?
Yeah!

The weird thing is that Mac had already
cleared him as a security risk.

Did an ocular pat-down on him.
Amazing, right?

- You cleared him, Mac?
- I cleared him.

Goddamn it!
I thought he was clear!

He wasn't clear! I'm calling the cops.
He was clear.

I thought Mac cleared him.
I didn't think there'd be a problem.

I don't know how- I kinda had
a good time on the trip.

Looking on the bright side
of things. All right?

Let's drink some beers, man.
I'm hungover as shit. Absolutely, man.

- Little hair of the dog. - That was the closest
I ever got to being out of Philly, man.

All right, cheers.
Cheers, you guys.

Texas. Oops.
State game?

Ohio.
Rhode Island.

Nice.
Uh, Detroit.

Nope.
That's not a state. Drink.

Milwaukee!
Jesus H. Christ.

[Voices Speaking Backwards]

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