It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Great Recession - full transcript

Well, this is
an interesting development.

This is not good.
You think maybe he's just vacationing?

No. Charlie, there's blocks in front and in
back of his tires. He's not going anywhere.

Yeah. This guy's
planted himself here.

And I tell you what, once all the other R.
V. Folks see what this R.V. guy is doing,

they're gonna start parking their R.
V.'s on our street. Shit.

We're gonna be staring down the
barrel of a shantytown situation.

Oh, my God. Who just takes their vehicle and
parks in someone's, you know, street...

and says, "This is my street.
I'm gonna live here now 'cause I'm poor"?

I'll tell you who.
New poor. What?

Ever since the recession hit, waves
of new people are suddenly broke.

These people have no idea
how to live without money.

They're what's called "new poor."
We're old poor.

Yeah, they could stand to learn
a lesson or two from us,

because we would never take our homelessness
and shove it down everybody's face.

Have some class
if you're gonna be poor!

All right. Let's get this guy out
of here, send him a message.

Let's do it. Right.
Let's slash his tires.

Well, not that though, because then he can't leave.
That doesn't make any sense.

Well, you start putting plans under microscopes,
nothing's gonna make sense, all right?

Lots of things make sense. Slashing someone's
tires so that they leave makes no sense.

You gonna put everything I say under a microscope, bud?
It's a stupid idea, Charlie.

I'm sorry.
You have a better plan?

Dee! Sharpest item in the bar!
I need it now! Let's go!

Whoa. What the hell's
going on over here?

Oh, Frank's
trying to kill himself.

Is he all right?
Frank, are you all right?

Don't try to stop me.
Oh, my God.

- Oh, so he's alive. - I lost all my money
in a Ponzi scheme, Charlie. I'm broke!

His neck is so thick,

I feel like he's just gonna swing and
dangle around for a really long time.

That's what it is!
Let's cut him down.

Frank, it's not gonna work for you.
Your neck's too thick, buddy.

- Tie a chair to me.
- Times are tough, huh?

Shit.

This is terrible.

What? What are you talking about?
What is terrible?

If you're looking for a better steak in an
arcade setting, you are shit out of luck.

I'm talking about eating out all the time.
It's a business expense, Frank.

It's only fair that the upper management
of the bar get together to talk shop...

over top-notch steak
and some video games.

You two have no idea how serious this is.
I can't bail you out anymore!

Maybe we should take this time
to streamline Paddy's,

make it run as efficiently
as the government.

Mmm! Yeah.
Cut out the steak dinners.

We're not cutting out the steak dinners,
so just hold your horses on that one.

If anything, we should be talking about bonuses.
Let's talk bonuses. Good idea.

Bonuses?
Yeah!

You run the business into the
ground, and you want bonuses?

Frank, don't be a moron. You start cutting
bonuses, you're gonna lose your top guys.

You gotta separate the wheat
from the chaff somehow. Yeah.

These dudes are all chaff. Right?
Yeah- Well, no. We're all wheat.

No, we're chaff. No, we're not.
We're- We're wheat.

Why would you want to be wheat?
Why would you ever want to be chaff?

Well, who wants to be- Okay,
I'll be chaff, you be wheat.

You two idiots have no
business sense whatsoever!

We have no business sense?
He's the one dangling from a noose 10 minutes ago.

That's a good point.

Let's start streamlining right now.
Frank, you're out. You're fired.

Oh! You just got
squeezed out, bitch!

Oh, I'm squeezed out?
Uh-huh.

Well, let's see how far
you two idiots get...

without Frank Reynolds bailing
you out every five minutes!

- I'm outta here! - I'm comfortable
being chaff if you want to be wheat.

Okay, man, whatever.

You're firing us?

Well, first we're gonna give you the
opportunity to defend your jobs.

- Really?
- Yeah.

All right. I appreciate
the opportunity, fellas.

- I'm on it! Whoo! - Good.
Show us what you do around here, Charlie.

- Hoo-woo-woo-woo! - Oh, come on!
This is bullshit!

I shouldn't have to
defend my job to you!

Dee, we don't know what it is that you do around here.
You don't seem to do anything.

Me? Come on!
I do a shitload!

Why don't you make us a drink?

Fine. I'll crack you
open a beer.

No, no, no.
Not a beer.

Something you have to mix.

But this bottle
is cold-activated.

I mean, look at it.
Doesn't that look delicious?

It does look delicious,
but mix me a drink.

But the mountains, they've turned blue.
Mojito me, please.

A refreshing mojito would do.
Nobody orders a mojito in this bar.

So you can't make a mojito?
Of course I can make a mojito!

Then make one. Fine!
One mojito coming up, gentlemen.

I quit.

Goddamn it! Shit!

I was really looking forward
to firing her. Me too.

Okay, boys,
let's talk rat traps, okay?

Huh?
I need money.

Huh? The guys were being
total knobs, so I quit.

Also, you're really behind on my rent and
they're threatening to evict me, so... money.

What part of "I am broke"
don't you guys understand?

I tried to hang myself.
No more bailouts!

Well, what am I supposed to do?
Not my problemo.

What's with the briefcase?

I'm gonna start a new business.

I created an empire before,
and I can do it again.

Huh. You are really good at making money.
Okay, I'm in.

What are you talking about?
What value are you to me?

I'm desperate,
so I'll do anything.

Okay, that's good.
Are you willing to destroy your credit?

It's never really been a problem before.
That's good. Hold that.

We're gonna take out a big loan in
your name and get an office. Great.

Okay, let's go.

All right,
that's the rainwater barrels.

Now let's talk about the trash. What do I do with the trash?
How do I dispose of the trash?

I don't know. We disposed of the
trash in the Dumpster last night.

What are you doing with it?
I am taking it to the furnace.

- We have a furnace? - Absolutely.
Where do you think the heat comes from?

You burn the trash in the furnace?
This bar runs on trash.

This bar is totally green
that way.

How is burning trash green?

Uh, because I'm recycling the
trash into heat for the bar.

And lots of smoke for the bar. I'm giving the
bar the good smoky smell that we all like.

The bar smells like trash.

That's the exact opposite
of green, Charlie.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, I could put the trash into a landfill
where it's gonna stay for millions of years,

or I could burn it up and get a
nice, smoky smell in here...

and let that smoke go into the
sky where it turns into stars.

That doesn't sound right, but I don't
know enough about stars to dispute it.

It's right. No, it's not right.
All right, are we almost done?

No, we're not done.
I got one more piece of business. What is it?

Lastly, before I open
the bar in the morning,

I always make sure
to turn on the Coors sign,

let people know we got iced delicious
Coors in the bar, you know,

and then, uh,
that's the last thing I do.

Ol' Charlie's done
a lot of work around here.

Charlie, that sign does
not say "Coors." Eh?

Goddamn it. Come outside!
Come outside! Come outside!

Goddamn it.
Come outside.

Closed!
It says "closed," Charlie!

Okay. Yeah, right.
I can see that now.

But, you know, you can't really
read it from the inside.

You can't read it
from the outside!

You know what? Forget it.
I can read it!

Are we done with this?
Have we gone through everything?

Well, that was the last thing that I do, sure.
Okay, great. You're fired!

No, come on.
You're not firing me.

Yeah. Yeah.
No way!

Oh, I'm sorry!
Oh, really?

So you're gonna throw all the
trash in the furnace yourselves.

And you're gonna filter the
rainwater barrel all by yourselves.

And I suppose you're gonna fiddle with the
electricity every day all by yourselves...

and siphon it from all
around the neighborhood.

No. We're gonna call a trash man,
an electrician, and a plumber...

and not turn the closed sign
on when the bar is open!

No, God! What is this?

Are you kidding me?
This is what I was talking about.

We are gonna have a
shantytown here in no time.

Shit! Goddamn it!

Honey, I'm home!

Feast your eyes on the new
headquarters of Reynolds and Reynolds.

Frank and I
are starting a business.

We sublet our apartments.
We're living in here.

- Wait a second.
You subletted our apartment? - Yeah.

Well, what the hell, dude?
I don't know if I can live in a trailer, man.

You don't have to, Charlie.
It's kinda tight in there already.

Well, hang on a second, bro.
We're good in tight spaces. I'll make it work.

I'm sorry, Charlie.
What do you mean, you're sorry?

There's no room at the inn.
You kidding me, dude? You kidding me?

Unbelievable! So now I'm reduced to
sleeping in the bar! Oh, hell no!

No, no, no. You're not gonna
be sleeping in the bar.

Where am I gonna live?
On the streets? It's a recession.

Times are tough. Yeah.
You'll bounce back, buddy.

Aw, come on, man.
Can I at least live with you guys?

We're not in the business of giving out
handouts, Charlie. We're not the government.

Frankly, I'm a little embarrassed that you would ask.
Yeah, it's a little gauche.

You guys are boning me, man.

I tell you what, why don't you and
I hit D&B's and talk bonuses?

Yeah. All right. Dennis, why don't
you go ahead and lock that door.

You don't have
to lock the door.

Go ahead and lock him out.
Keep out the riffraff.

You don't have to lock the door.
You don't have to add insult to injury. I'm gonna be fine.

That's locked?
Yeah.

- I got plenty of places to go.
- No, you don't!

Okay, Frank, tell me about this
business scheme you're cooking up.

Give me your shoe.
My shoe?

Hand over your shoe.
All right.

Observe.

Wait. No, no, no-
Oh- Aw, come on, man!

That's a $200 shoe!

Look at that.
What are you doing?

Feast your eyes
on your new business.

Knives.

You want me to sell knives door-to-door?
No. You're selling vacuums.

I'm sorry. I took out
a high-interest loan...

to invest in a door-to-door knife
and vacuum-selling business?

Not just any vacuum.
This is wet vac.

Commercial power for the home.

This'll get a red wine stain
out of anything. Look.

Oh, goddamn it!

Check it out, Deandra.

All right,
this baby is powerful!

Now, cover your ears
because it has no muffler!

Oh!

Ah!
Oh, that's good merlot.

Yeah. That's good merlot.
You're gonna want to keep those coming.

It might be cheaper if youse
went with a bottle of wine...

instead of chugging
the individual glasses.

Mmm. Yeah, maybe leave the judgment
back in the kitchen 'cause...

There's a little bit of a look of judgment
on your face. Just go grab them and...

Okay, no problem. All right.
Okay. Thank you.

Great!
Oh, she's terrific.

I like her. Yeah, she's a cutie.
All right, listen, Mac.

I did bring you here for a
specific reason, okay? Hmm?

I got an idea for a stimulus plan for the
bar that's gonna blow your freakin' mind.

Stimulus plan? A stimulus plan.
You want to hear it?

Lay it on me, bro.
Take a look around you right now.

Now, at a time where businesses are simply
failing left and right, who's thriving?

Dave & Buster's. Dave & Buster's is thriving.
Why do you think that is?

I don't know. Video games?
Video games are definitely a big part of it.

I want you to do me a favor. Break down for
me what I'm holding in my hand right now.

Ah, that is
a Dave & Buster's Power Card.

Yes. Now, does your Dave & Buster's card
work at any other similar establishments?

Like, say, a T.G.I. Fridays?

Mine does not, and believe me, I've tried
at several locations. No, it doesn't.

Yeah, 'cause I've actually been with you on
many of those occasions where you've tried.

Right. I don't think I've tried it enough.
I think you have.

Because clearly, at this point, you should've
realized that it doesn't work anywhere else.

There's one in Franklin Mills I haven't tried.
I feel like that could maybe work.

It's not gonna work there either. Let's move past that.
I'm trying to make a point here.

When you come to Dave & Buster's
you spend your real money,

but you leave with
Dave & Buster's money.

That gives you incentive to
come back to Dave & Buster's...

'cause it's the only place
where your money works.

I think that's brilliant.
Maybe we should take a page out of D&B's book.

And try the card at the Friday's
out in the northeast...

No, you son of a bitch.
We're way past that at this point.

I don't understand why you
can't grasp that point.

It doesn't work anywhere else.
It's only gonna work here.

All right. I'm- I'm getting all worked up.
Okay? This is- Let's...

I'm proposing that we print
our own currency, okay?

Make our own money?
Yes!

We call it Paddy's Dollars. Now we distribute
that out to people for free initially.

Then they become customers, and
then they bring in new customers.

And then once they're in, they have to
use real dollars to buy Paddy's Dollars.

That's exactly right, and that
stimulates our own internal economy.

Yeah, yeah, dude! That's a great plan!
Then afterwards, we'll go out to Fox Chase...

and use the Power Card
at that Friday's out there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! No, we won't.
You can though.

Look, Mom, um, I've kinda
come on some hard times...

with the economy
and everything.

I got no place to go
and everything, so...

I was figuring maybe I should move back
into my old room for a little while...

till I get back up on my feet.

Mmm, well, I don't think
that's gonna work out, Charlie.

Why not? I had to sublet
your room to Uncle Jack.

Is that why he's here?

Hey, Charlie.
Times are tough.

And the economy is so bad...

I needed to get more money in in
order to make the house payments.

What are you talking about?
You don't make house payments.

You own this house. You've owned it for years.
Mom, that's crazy.

- You collect Social Security.
- I need money.

You can share the room
with me, Charlie.

That's a great idea!

- That is not a great idea.
- Well, why not?

It'll be fun.

You know, you and me
palling around, getting nuts,

doing crazy, fun things.

I'm not doing any kind of things that
you want me to do with you, Uncle Jack.

No, it's- it's stuff
that relatives do.

- We'll share the room, Charlie. - I don't want
to share the room with you, dude, because I...

I will spend the whole night wide awake like
when I was a kid and you tried to share my room.

You ever seen wrestling
on television?

I am well aware
of what wrestling is.

It's just not what uncles
do to their nephews.

I'm out of here.

Hey, I'll call you later.
I know you will.

Just grab any knife?

Just the sharpest one
in the kitchen.

All right, now when I cut
through the shoe and make the sale,

you suggest casually that we have
a drink to celebrate. Right.

And? Then I drop a little
wine on the carpet,

grab the wet vac, and then call
it a deal, whatever. Zing-o.

This is the best knife I own.

Oh. Oh.
All right. Mmm.

Well, if that's
the best you have...

All right, now pretend that this
shoe is an unboned chicken...

and you're gonna cook it tonight
and make a tasty dinner...

that's gonna smell all through
the house like cooked chicken.

Actually, I'm vegan.
Okay.

Then pretend this shoe
is whatever you people eat.

Maybe it is a shoe.
Nice one.

Watch the way your knife cuts.

Mmm. Oh, it's just flopping around.
Oh, shoot. I-It, you know, doesn't...

Shit's not even making a dent
in the leather.

This knife is a piece of crap.
Mm-hmm.

Oh.
Now take a look at our knife.

Beautiful pressed steel...
Oh.

With a nice,
razor-sharp edge.

Watch the way this knife blasts
through this shoe with one motion.

Uh-huh.
Owww!

Ohh! Ohh!
Is this part of the whole thing?

Oh, I cut myself!
Ohh! It's a deep cut!

Ohh! Ohh!
I see your bones!

- It's a deep cut! - I'll get you a towel!
I'll get you a towel!

- Oh, Frank! - It's okay. It's all right.
I got Band-Aids in my bag.

I just- I need
your bathroom, that's all.

Okay. All right.
I'll just get my bag. Okay.

Ohh! Okay.
But...

Eew.
Is he gonna be okay, 'cause...

Yeah. Yeah, no, no.
He's gonna be fine, Beth. Don't worry.

I tell you what- Why don't you
and I have a glass of wine.

Just bring it down a little bit, huh?
I don't drink in the morning.

Yeah, me neither.
Oh, uh...

Oh, shoot!
Oh!

Oh, I'm missing it!
Hey!

Oh, no!
You're doing that on purpose!

I'm trying to prove a point here, Beth, okay?
Hmm? I- I don't...

I'm gonna...

Okay, I-
Yeah. Oh, boy.

Goddamn it!

- These Paddy's Dollars
look great, bro. - Yeah!

I'm really glad we went with the color.
They pop! Oh, yeah.

Little bit more expensive than I would've thought.
But that's worth it though.

That's
an old-poor move.

You take your money and put it into
something worth it, you're not tacky.

See, by transferring all of our
cash into these Paddy's Dollars...

and then printing more of these babies than
we ever had in cash, we've upped our value.

Shit!

Oh, goddamn it.
Look.

Full-blown shantytown.
We're screwed.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, dude.

There could be some
real opportunity in this.

Yeah? Yeah, man.
Think about this, dude.

In recession times, what thrives
more than anything else?

Prostitutes. No- Well, yeah, that.
But that and bars.

Oh, and bars! Well, yeah!
Right, because people gotta drown their sorrows.

Get drunk!
We own a bar!

Yeah! So why don't we take
these Paddy's Dollars...

and just distribute them
amongst the shanties?

That way- Right. They buy the
booze from us with the dollars.

Right. They run out of booze, then they
gotta buy more Paddy's Dollars from us.

Thus creating the self-sustaining
economy we've been looking for.

It stimulates our economy.

That's what Dave & Buster's does.
Give me one up here.

Boom.
Boom!

Who wants some free money, shanties?

When people stop buying vacuum
cleaners and knives door-to-door,

it can mean only
one thing, Deandra.

That you blew all of my money
on a very stupid idea? No!

Good-bye, recession,
hello, depression.

You're very lucky that you're with
somebody as resilient as Frank Reynolds.

You've tried to off yourself two
times in the last 24 hours, Frank!

Listen, this business partner of mine called.
He's got a great plan.

This is the man
who's gonna make us rich.

This is the man?
Yes.

This man lives in a cardboard box!
Times is tough.

Goddamn it.
Yo!

Hey!

Thanks for getting
down here so quick.

It's Charlie?
Hey, Charlie!

Charlie is
your new business partner?

Yeah. Well, what do you want?
We're good in tight spots.

That's right. All right.
You ready to do this? You got it.

Okay, let's go! Let's go!
You're the man with the plan.

Deandra, this is gonna work.

There we go.
Look at that.

- Feast your eyes.
- Here we go!

What the hell is that?

These are crabs!
Fresh, local Delaware runoff crabs.

Those don't look
anything like crabs.

Huh? Yeah, well- They
look like sea scorpions.

Isn?t there some kind of, like,
sewage runoff around here?

Yeah, there's a pretty bad sewage runoff,
but, you know, crabs is sewage-proof!

And depression proof.
People gotta eat.

We're gonna sell these
on the street.

- We're crab people now.
- Crab people.

We're crab people now?
Yes!

You want us
to become crab people?

That's your new business plan?
Yeah...

Yeah.
I'm getting a call.

We'll live and die
by the crab, Dee!

We'll eat off
the fat of the sea.

Help me toss some of these babies back, 'cause
legally we're not allowed to eat those.

Oh, thank you very much!
Thank you. Great news!

Let's go!
Forget the crabs! Okay.

- Nice doing business with you.
- All right, shanty!

Enjoy it! All right.
Enjoy yourselves.

Boom!
Okay.

Hey!
We did it.

I think we made every single one
of our Paddy's Dollars back.

You're damn right. Thus creating the
self-sustaining economy we've been looking for.

That's right.
How much fresh cash did we make?

Fresh cash?
Yes.

Uh, well, zero. Zero, if you're
talking about U.S. currency.

People didn't really seem
interested in spending any of that.

That's okay.

So when they run
out of the booze,

they'll come back in and they'll
have to buy more Paddy's Dollars.

Right. That is assuming, of course, that
they will come back here and drink.

They will because we'll
redistribute these to the shanties,

thus ensuring them coming back
in, keeping the money moving.

Well, no, if we just redistribute these,
then people will continue to drink for free.

Okay.
How does this work, Mac?

The money keeps moving
in a circle.

But- But we don't have any money.
All we have is this.

How does this work, dude?
I don't know. I thought you knew.

I thought you- What?
I thought you were on top of this!

You're the one that came up with the plan!
Did I come up with this plan?

Last night, dude, with the D&B Power Card
and the- Oh, I blacked out that night.

Shit, dude! I've been following
your lead! Oh, Jesus.

Oh, shit. Okay, so we have
no money and no inventory.

There's still something we can do.
That's still a business somehow.

How does D&B's do it? They've got a complicated system.
I cannot begin to understand it.

How does a self-sustaining
economy work?

I don't understand how the U.S. economy works,
much less some sort of a self-sustaining one.

I don't understand
how finances work.

Shots for everybody!

The government is reimbursing me
all the money I lost!

I love this country!
Baby, I'm back!

Wait, you got a bailout?
Yeah, you know it, pal!

Can you bail us out, Frank?
Because we're kind of screwed here.

I'll tell you what.
Let's discuss it over steaks and Skee-Ball.

Oh!

Hey, bailouts all around!
U.S.A.!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
I love this country!

Crab meat!
Crab meat! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

- Crab meat!
- Crab meat!

Uh, you guys don't think that you're
going to Dave & Buster's, do you?

Uh-
What?

ENGLISH - US -PSDH