It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis - full transcript

[Dennis] Stop it. [Charlie] All right.
You're getting hung up on "can't."

And I'm not saying that you can't.
I'm saying that it is illegal.

No, it is not illegal!
Dude.

Says the guy who knows
nothing about the law!

I can absolutely keep
a hummingbird as a pet, bro.

It's no different than having a parrot,
or a parakeet. It's a bird, bro.

You really can't, and I'm
not saying I agree with it.

It's just that bird law in this country-
it's not governed by reason.

There is no such thing as bird law.
Yes, there is!

I'm gonna get a hummingbird, and I'll show you.
You guys, I have huge news.

Hummingbirds are illegal tender.
I'm gonna get one.

You cannot.
To spite you, I'm gonna get one.

Hello?
Where are we with gulls?

You guys!
You can keep a gull as a pet.

But you do not want to live with a seabird,
'cause the noise level alone on those things...

Have you ever heard a gull up close?
It's gonna blast your eardrums out, dude.

You guys, I'm serious!
I have huge news here!

The principle is that you
can have any bird that- Yo!

I got great news, guys.
Frank's got news?

Frank's got news?
[Chanting] News, news, news, news!

News, news, news, news,
news, news, news, news!

I just bought a house
at a foreclosure auction.

Holy shit!
That's amazing.

Oh, is it? Is it "amazing"?

- Now hang on. You're not moving out, are you?
- No, no, no, no.

I bought this as an investment.
I bought it on the cheap.

Ah, you might've missed the boat on that, Frank.
Not the best time to invest.

I beg to differ with you.

Now is the time to invest
because all the prices are low.

As soon as the market turns around,
I'm gonna make a boatload.

Frank's talking about flipping the house.
Flip the house!

Making some money!
That's exciting.

I'm having a baby!

Do yourself a favor
and flush it out.

No. That's not-
"Flush it out"?

No. I'm not pregnant. I...

I answered an ad for a couple
who wants a surrogate.

See, people who can't have kids are willing to
pay a shitload of money to people like myself,

who can carry it for them.

Wait. What's going on?
You're carrying someone's baby somewhere?

H-Hold it. I am not spending
money on another little bastard.

- I did that already, twice.
- Come on.

No. They're keeping the baby. It's their baby.
How are you guys not understanding this?

Uh, Dee, before you
continue this babbling,

does your thing
involve us in any way,

or are you just
kind of- at us?

Well, no. It's just that's huge news, so
I figured you guys might want to know.

It doesn't matter. Let's just talk about the house!
Let's talk about the house!

Hold on one second. Actually, Dee
being pregnant is pretty big news.

Now, we could take the house idea and
the baby idea and merge the two things.

It just feels muddy though.
Let's just stick with one. It's cleaner, right?

- It could be an interesting-
- House.

But I'm just saying that if- House.

I don't know exactly how we would take
the two ideas and put them together.

House! But I think if we
came up with something...

[Chanting]
House! House! House!

Just the house thing?
House! House! House! House!

House, house, house, house, house,
house, house, house, house, house!

Flush, flush, flush!

Deandra? Thank you so much
for responding to our ad in the paper.

You're welcome. We've had so many
letdowns going through the agency.

Yeah. We thought we'd just try to
find a surrogate by ourselves.

I just feel really honored to be able to provide
a service for a lovely couple like yourselves.

Good. Thank you.
Yeah.

We just had a couple questions
we'd like to ask you. Shoot.

Honey, why don't you-
Okay. So- Sorry.

But do you have any history
with drugs or alcohol?

Never. Neither.
That's great.

Um, any- any family history
of mental illness?

Uh, well, my brother's
a dick, if that counts.

I don't- I don't think so.

It's just a joke though, Sean.
So, the next one?

And- And- Okay.
So what about your medical history?

Is there any health problems
we should know about?

Kate, I'm gonna
be honest with you.

I have never had a health
problem in my entire life.

Wow.

Clean as a whistle.
That's amazing.

- Down here, up here, wherever.
- This is all great news. I mean...

Isn't it?
Yes, it really is.

Okay, great. So let's talk turkey.
And by that, I mean money.

Oh. We just thought we'd pay
the standard rate of $20,000.

20,000. Okay.
Yeah.

I like the sound of that. I'm gonna throw
something at you guys, so brace yourselves.

What are your thoughts on
doubling down, so to speak,

and going for twins?

[Chuckles] Right?

No.
No.

If it's a matter of price, I'm willing
to cut you a deal on the second one.

And we don't
have to stop at two.

I've typed up a price sheet I would
like the two of you to peruse.

If you'll look down
around number four or five,

that's when you really
start to see some savings.

You guys want to go for an Octomom thing?
Huh? I'm game.

You want to have 10?
You want to outdo that bitch?

I'll have that conversation.
I'm kidding.

I don't want 10 people
inside of me.

But-
This is great.

I-I just- I think we're really
just gonna do the one,

I think is- is what we want.

One baby.

Look for shit on the walls,
'cause that's what they do.

When they know they're getting thrown out of a
house, they smear feces all over the walls.

Really?
Yes.

They didn't do that here. This is a pretty nice house.
A little lived in maybe.

Well, you know, I found something cooking on the stove.
That's pretty "unresponsible."

Mac and cheese. I can't believe they
left all this stuff in the house.

I mean, what's the deal?
Do we have to burn it?

- Hey, get the hell out of our house!
- Jesus. There's people here!

- Squatters!
- We're not squatters! This is our house!

What do you mean your house?
I bought this house! We own this house!

You didn't buy it from us!
You bought it from the bank. We didn't sell it.

Oh, look, bitch! We bought it from them
because they foreclosed on your bitch ass!

Yeah, yeah. You got proof? Proof?
What are you talking about, proof?

A deed, paperwork.
Go get your proof. Proof.

Bring it back here. We'll look at the paperwork.
Is that what you want?

You want proof? I'll give you proof!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Frank, take it easy, bud.
Take it- You gotta use your head now.

Think about the law.
All right?

What happens if you accidentally
hit a child with an umbrella?

In the eyes of the law, that is child abuse.
What happens then?

In the eyes of the law, you have to give your
properties to the parents of that child.

I'm sorry, little kid.
He doesn't know the law that well.

I don't even know what the hell he's
talking about. It doesn't matter.

We shouldn't bash these people up.
No. No!

Of course we shouldn't bash
these people up! Look- Okay.

Absolutely, we could cave
the husband's skull in here.

Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement,
have a frenzied free-for-all with her.

We could tie the kids up in their rooms
so they wouldn't hear any of it.

Dennis, in that scenario, we'd have to kill
the kids 'cause they would've seen our faces.

Right. We could smear
the walls with their blood.

Guys, there are any number of twisted
scenarios that could play out here.

But I think the easiest thing, really,
is to just go get the deed.

Right. Why get weird?

Let's just keep it simple.
For now, we take the high road.

We'll take the high road.
Take the high road out of here.

Oh, well, I'm so glad we're gonna
get to work with you, Deandra.

Oh, Kate, Sean, I tell you what.
You guys are getting one hell of a uterus.

Great. Okay. Well, listen.
It was really nice to meet you.

Wow! This house really
opens up here, doesn't it?

Uh- From the curb, it doesn't
really look like much.

But once you get inside,
it's got a real ass on it.

Well, thank you. It's always felt
a little empty without a family.

Oh, shit! Is that a pool?

Uh, yeah. Of course, when the baby
comes, we'll have a fence around it.

Right, right, right.
How deep?

The pool?
Yeah, the pool!

- Uh, eight feet.
- Oh, man.

You guys jackknife off this diving
board all the time or what?

Oh, I used to be so good at those.
You mind if I get in?

Um- Yeah, we- we have a
lot of stuff to do today.

So-
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No, errands are very important, but really,
the most important thing right now...

is for me to stay relaxed, if you don't
want my tubes to get all tensed up.

So, you want to go grab
a swimsuit for me to borrow,

or should I just jump in
in my birthday gear?

No. Don't do that. We'll- Honey, do
we have a suit that she can borrow?

Sure. I'll go
get you that suit.

[Sean] Okay.
Good girl.

All right, Charlie.
We are gonna be gentlemen. Yup.

We have the law on our side.
We just show them the deed. Mm-hmm.

And then they vacate the premises.
Mm-hmm.

And that's it. No reason to be animals about it.
And they changed the locks.

Yes, they did. You were right, Frank!
They changed the locks, bud.

I'm telling you, these people,
they're uncivilized deadbeats.

Let's smash the door down.
All right, ready? Here we go.

[Together]
And a-one, and a-two, and a-three...

[Shouting]

- [Groans] - [Charlie] Oh,
that- that was a bummer.

Man. I gotta admit,
that's, uh...

That felt
very unsatisfying to me.

- [Frank] Yeah, I didn't like that.
- Should you guys, um...

No. Try smashing it
from the inside?

- Let's just give it another shot. And-
- [Charlie] Oh!

- [Charlie] Give it another one.
- Kick it.

- Nice, dude!
- My door!

My door, deadbeat!
My door!

And what's this shyster lawyer
doing here?

Well, it is just so nice to
see you again, Mr. Reynolds.

I see that you're still
just... horrible.

Yes, you're horrible too.
And I hate your tie. Hey. All right.

You know what?
This family behind me- Yeah.

Has 90 days to vacate.
Deadbeats.

Until then, you can't touch them.
That's bull bird, man.

What do you got there?
Let me handle this, Frank. It's not bull bird.

I'll tell you that right now.
He's making a few good points.

Look, buddy.
Crap.

I know a lot about the law
and various other lawyerings.

I'm well educated, well versed.

I know that situations like this,
real-estate wise, they're very complex.

Actually, they're pretty simple.

The forms are all
standard boilerplate.

Okay. We're all hungry.
We're gonna get to our hot plates soon enough.

All right? Well, let's talk
about the contract here...

I'm sorry. I forgot.
Where did you go to law school again?

Uh, well, I could ask you that very
same question. I went to Harvard.

Ah.
Mm-hmm. How 'bout you?

Where? Yeah? Hmm?
I'm pleading the Fifth, sir.

I'd advise that you do that.

I'll take that advice
into cooperation. All right?

Let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird
law and see who comes out the victor.

You know, I don't think
I'm gonna do anything close to that,

and I can see clearly
you know nothing about the law.

It seems like you have a tenuous grasp
on the English language in general.

Okay. Well- Filibuster.

Uh- Do you- Do you know
what that word means?

Yup!
Yeah, what's that mean?

[Sighs]

- [Screams]
- [Door Shattering]

I-I'm gonna- We're gonna- [Groans]

[Frank] No, no, no.
Now I'm all churned up about this.

I can't wait 90 days
to get rid of those people.

I mean,
I gotta sell that house.

Frank, don't be rash.
It's just 90 days.

No. In 90 days, there's gonna
be shit all over those walls.

[Scoffs] Those people are
gonna trash that house.

We won't be able
to get a dime for it.

I am calling
a Realtor right now.

Oh, wait, Frank. Hold on a second.
[Phone Beeps]

Maybe we could sell the house ourselves, you know?
Save the five percent.

What do Realtors do anyway?
They pop on a blazer.

They walk people through a house.
We can do that.

Mac, the real estate business is something that
takes a lot of style and a lot of finesse,

and that's something that the
two of us both have in spades.

Absolutely. I'm thinking we do like a
classic good Realtor-bad Realtor dynamic.

Oh, shit. I'm the good,
you're the bad?

You're the sweet to my sour.
The honey to your vinegar?

That's good, dude!

- Honey and Vinegar Realty.
- I like that.

I like the Honey and Vinegar.
I like what I'm hearing, boys.

Okay! I knew that guy
was full of shit! I knew it!

What guy?
That lawyer guy. Okay?

He totally besmirched me today,
and I demand satisfaction from him.

You want him to bang you?
Uh...

No, Mac. Be serious, okay?

He slandered me in front of a
jury of my own peers. All right?

Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened.
Take a look at this picture.

- What do you see?
- I see two trannies shooting at each other.

No, dude.
They're dueling, okay?

These are lawyers settling an
argument by dueling it out.

Now, how do you know
that the two trannies are lawyers?

'Cause it's an old book, okay?

I don't have to explain everything
to you about what I know!

I'm trying to get satisfied from
this dude, and you're trying to...

I'm getting satisfied.
I don't care.

- What are you doing, Deandra?
- Collecting the money you bitches owe me.

I'm going on maternity leave.

What are you
jabbering about now?

I got a sweet setup going on as a
surrogate for a couple of rich yuppies.

They have a huge house,
kick-ass pool.

I'm living the high life.
So suck on that, white stains.

Oh, dude!

I knew we should've done the baby thing.
Now there's a pool involved?

When was the last time you swam in a pool?
I want to swim in the pool!

- It's been like forever since I swam in a pool.
- No, no! Now, let's focus here.

We gotta sell this house.

And then we can go swim
in Deandra's pool.

Hey, Vic.
You got that other snack tray?

I certainly do, Hugh.
Certainly do. Okay, great.

People are gonna be here any second.
I want them to be well fed.

The house looks nice. The house looks nice.
It does look nice.

Hey, hey, hey!

You jerks aren't supposed to be here
when my mom and dad are at work!

Your mom and dad aren't at work.
That's why they lost the house.

They're probably at the dog track getting wasted.
Dude, eat my boogers.

You eat my boogers! Whoa, whoa!
Hey, Vic, Vic. Whoa.

Smell that vinegar
boiling up inside you.

But I need you to save
some of it for the customer.

Do that for me, okay, baby boy?

What the hell's going on out here?

- Frank, can you get these kids out of here?
- Yeah. Come on.

We're gonna go paint your room
a color that's not stupid.

Then we're gonna throw
your toys in the trash!

Listen, I need you on my team.
You on my team?

Yeah. I'm- I'm on your team.
All right, great. Yeah?

Yeah. I just- He gets me-
That's good.

[Knocking]
Oh! Here we go.

- Hi! How are ya? - How you doing?
We're here to look at the house.

Of course. Yeah, come on in. Hi.
I'm Hugh Honey. How you doing?

Good. This is my associate,
Vic Vinegar. Hi. Tad.

And we are here
to show you this house.

Okay. Oh!
Good.

Okay. [Chuckles] Come on in.
Great.

Hi.
Okay.

Good. All right. This is the living room.
Okay! Wonderful.

Now, what do you folks think?
It's a beautiful house, right?

Well, you know, I'm thinking this might
be a bit large for what we need.

- Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.
Is this house too big for you? - Now, Vic.

Just a second, Hugh. Why don't you
ask your wife what she needs, pal?

Oh, I'm sorry. Is she used to something smaller,
and you don't think she can handle it?

Okay, I think we're gonna get going.
It's okay, you guys. I'm here.

I want this to be a good experience for you.
Okay? I'll tell you what, buddy.

How 'bout I take your wife upstairs
and show her what it's like...

to be deep inside
a really big house?

What?
What?

What?

Uh, you'll have to
excuse my associate.

It's just his passion for quality real
estate that makes him so intense.

Now, what can we do
to put you in this house?

I think we're just gonna go now.
Yeah.

Are you gonna buy the house?
[Woman] We're gonna go.

Are you going to buy this house?
We don't want any trouble.

Are you going to buy this house?
I don't know! I don't know!

Are you going to buy this house?
Yes! Yes!

"Yes" what?
Yes, I will buy this house!

That's it. There we go. That's all I wanted to hear.
Congratulations, folks.

You just bought
a brand-new house.

Can we go?
Yeah!

Go, honey. Go.
Congratulations.

I'm going!
Just go!

All right. We'll be in touch.
Oh! That was amazing, bro!

You think that's gonna work?
Bro, it already did work. You heard the skirt.

She said, "Yes, I will buy this house."
That is a binding verbal contract.

Now, I heard it. You heard it.
And that pussy husband of hers heard it too.

If they back out now, I will find them, I will
strangle them, I will beat them into oblivion!

Wow! Wow!
I'm full of the vinegar.

- Oh. Yeah!
- Hey. How'd it go?

Sold it!
Sold the house.

Sold it? Fantastic!

Let's get another house,
flip it over, make some cash.

It's not really the cash
that I care about anymore.

It's the thrill of the sale
that I'm responding to.

- You're driven by the thrill of the sale.
- You know what I'm thinking?

Maybe it's time to merge
the two ideas after all.

- Baby in the house?
- Baby in the house.

[Chuckling] Honey and Vinegar?

Okay. Jesus Christ.
All right. I'll get on it.

Mmm.

Well, well, well, well, well!

If it isn't the big-time,
hotshot lawyer man.

Oh, my God.
I do not have time for you.

Yeah, so we both have busy schedules,
so I'll make this quick.

I shan't mince words
with you for long.

I am challenging you,
sir, to a duel.

- I accept.
- Uh...

[Pen Tapping On Desk]
[Chuckles] Are you serious?

Yeah. I accept your challenge.

Do you want time to think it over?
No!

No. No, not at all.
Um, what time were you thinking of dueling?

[Exhales] Any time is good, really.
I don't have...

You don't have time 'cause you would
have to go out and get a proper gun.

Oh. No, no, no.

I have a gun. I actually keep one
right here in the drawer.

You got one right there?
I don't need to see it.

I like to keep it loaded because you never know
who's gonna walk into a law office these days.

[Laughing] Safety first.

- Right.
- So let's rethink some things.

[Clears Throat]

Let's say that you've
learned your lesson now,

and I've learned
a little lesson.

Hmm.
And we'll call it even,

and I will respectfully
decline the duel.

- Well, you can't decline.
- Eh?

As you know, once the duel's been accepted,
you know, there's no backing out.

I mean, that's the law.
Yup.

Anyway, great! This is settled.

And I was looking for something
to do tomorrow afternoon anyway.

So I'm gonna pencil you in for
high noon tomorrow. Don't do it.

- Don't do it.
- And, uh, don't worry...

'cause, um, wherever you are,
I'll find you.

- Yeah. - I'm gonna put one
right between your teeth.

And it's just gonna pop out the
back of your neck. [Clicks Tongue]

Hey, Deandra?
Can we talk to you for a sec?

Hey, you guys.
Watch me bust out this sweet jackknife.

- Oh! Whoa!
- [Gasps, Coughing]

- [Laughing] You guys!
- Are you okay?

- Oh, I biffed that one, huh?
- You "biffed" it?

Whoo! Thank God there wasn't
a baby in there, huh?

Could you get me a refill on that, guy?
What is this?

Pi?a colada. Been crushing them.
They're great in the heat.

Ah. I don't think you should
be drinking and swimming.

- No.
- Dingdong! Hello.

[Dee] Goddamn it.
Hello!

- Hi.
- No, no, no, no, no.

We're looking for Deandra Reynolds.
Oh, there she is.

Wait, wait. Don't do that. We're the wealthy
homosexual couple she promised her womb to.

Indeed, we are. I'm Hugh Honey, and
this is my partner, Vic Vinegar.

We're partners in real estate,
and we're partners in life.

[Dee Laughing] Oh, hi!

Oh, hey!
Oh, you guys!

How are you doing, sweetie?
Oh, excuse us for just one second.

Oh, boy.
It's good to see you.

What the hell are you guys doing here?
Do not ruin this for me!

Dee, relax. Okay? We're gonna start a bidding
war, drive up the price of your womb.

Why would I want you to drive
up the price of my womb?

If we make this couple desperate enough for
money, they'll sell their house to us.

We're buying every house in the neighborhood.
Yeah, check it out.

We get the house, you get a higher price for
that kid you're crapping out. Everybody wins.

We're merging the ideas. I didn't want
to merge the ideas in the first place.

Well, we're merging 'em,
so get used to it.

Uh, we're giving Deandra
$100,000 to carry a child for us.

Now, I'll be providing
the sperm, of course.

And I'll be providing the money because
I'm the breadwinner in the relationship.

And I'm the trophy husband.
He's my bottom.

Oh! I'm the power bottom.
Technically, I generate most of the power.

Only because I'm giving out
so much power from the top.

You need to generate power
to accept it.

- Deandra, what the hell are they
talking about? - I don't know.

Hey, Dee! Hey! Hey!

[Sean] Who's this guy?
Oh, splinter!

There's a gate, bro!
What the hell are you doing here?

Pardon me, ma'am, sir.

- Everything's fine 'cause Daddy's here now.
- Who are you?

I'm the father of the baby growing inside of
her stomach, and I need a safe place to hide.

What baby are you talking about, Charlie?
I'm not pregnant yet!

- [Crashing]
- Abort!

[Grunts]
Abort! Abort!

- Do not buy this house!
- There's a goddamn gate!

I just got done with that lawyer.
He threatened to sue me.

- What? Why? - Well, I had those
kids painting their room.

And then I told them to go down,
rip some copper pipes out.

Their little hands got all bloody.
Big deal.

And they- I had to give them
the house to settle the suit.

Okay, that's it. You all are crazy,
and I'm asking you to leave.

[Dee] Yes.
So, let's go.

Please leave.
Oh, are you sure? Really?

- This is a very inviting pool.
- You heard the guy! You heard him!

Oh, you two.
I am so sorry about that.

Boy, that was nuts, wasn't it?

Yeah.

You know, we're gonna have
to ask you to leave as well.

But what about the baby?

We're just gonna find someone else.
Oh, you guys!

You got me there! I thought you were serious.
We are serious, Deandra.

[Splashing]

Oh, this shit is like a bathtub.
[Mac] Jackknife!

Oh, yeah! Cannonball!

Whoo!
[Mac] Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Oh, yeah!
- This is great.

Come on in, Dee.
Chicken fight! Chicken fight!

- [Dennis] Let's do a chicken fight!
- Chicken fight! Chicken fight!

Chicken fight! Chicken fight!
Chicken fight!

[Shouting]

[Screaming]

Yeah!
Yeah!

[Voices Speaking Backwards]

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