It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 11 - Mac and Charlie Write a Movie - full transcript

[Charlie] Now keep in mind,

we've been locked in this parking garage
stairwell for, like, 20 minutes, dude.

Okay, so then we turn
around, and what do we see?

A scary homeless dude. And I'm, like, "Oh, shit!
" Yeah! And I'm like, uh...

You know- I'm like, "What do we-
What do we do?" You know?

And then Mac, he's just like, "Just chill.
" And I'm like, "How do we chill, dude?"

Yeah. And I'm all, "Oh, shit!
He's gonna talk now!"

Yeah. And I'm all like, "How do
you know he's gonna talk, bro?"

And I'm like, "Because his mouth is opening.
" And then he did talk.

Yeah. And then he goes- he goes, "I'll
let you out of the stairwell...

'cause I have the key, because
I'm the security guard instead."

That's a cool story, huh?
Yeah, right?

Okay, so, uh...

Just so I'm clear on the story
that you just told. Yeah.

It was about you guys getting locked in a
garage stairwell for 20 or so minutes.

Yeah. And then a security
guard came along...

and the security guard
let you out.

Well, yeah. But...

I mean, it's how you tell the
story that makes it good.

How you told the story
was by far the worst part of the story.

You weren't even
paying attention to us, dude.

All you were doing
was playing on that stupid phone.

Why are you rubbing on the phone?
Let me rub on it.

What are you doing?
No, no, no! Hey, hey, Frank!

Get your greasy, fat, sausage fingers
of my touch screen phone.

This thing's new.
My fingers are not greasy.

Uh, you have four sausage links
in your pocket right now.

Yeah, but I don't touch
the sausage links.

Why should I do that when I can
let my shirt do the work? Watch.

Hmm. No touching, and warm.
[Scoffs] My God. You're an animal.

Guess what, boners. I just got a part in an M.
Night Shyamalan movie.

- What?
- Yeah. I'm a featured actress,

which means I'm gonna be
featured in a scene.

What's an M. Night?
Wow. Gross.

M. Night Shyamalan, the
Indian filmmaker from Philly.

Oh, my God.
This dude's a big deal, Frank.

He's like a true-to-life Slumdog Millionaire.
You know what I mean?

He always puts some awesome twists at the
end of his movies to trick the audience.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
like in The Sixth Sense.

You find out that the dude in
that hairpiece the whole time...

- That's Bruce Willis- the whole movie.
- That's not the twist.

That's not the twist to that movie.
That wasn't?

No.
I'll tell you about it later.

There were a lot of twists in that movie.
Watch it again.

You know what? You're gonna
need a very crafty agent...

to squeeze everything
out of this slumdog.

I volunteer.
And I decline.

You are abusive
and you smell like warm meat...

and I want you to leave me alone 'cause
this is really important for me.

This is important
for all of us, okay?

This is an opportunity for Charlie
and I to get M. Night our script.

Right. Since when do you
and Charlie have a script?

Since you walked in here and said you were
in that movie. We're great storytellers.

No, goddamn it! No, come on.
Don't involve yourselves in this.

Dee, you involved us in this the second you
walked in and told us about the movie.

You really shouldn't have done that.
Let's get to work!

Oh, oh, hoo!

Let's get some beer. Dude.
Yeah!

Goddamn it.

Whoa, whoa. Excuse me.
Can I help you?

Oh, great. Nonfat, sugar free,
vanilla soy latte. Three shots, no foam.

Also, why don't you let me in here
so I can start my vocal warm-ups?

I'm sorry. Who are you again?
Dee Reynolds, featured actress.

Reynolds?
Yeah.

And could you send
M. Night over also,

because I have a couple questions
regarding the detes of my character.

Right. Says you're a featured extra.
[Clicks Tongue]

Okay. Well, featured extra, featured actress.
What's the difference?

Well, the difference is...

a featured actress usually auditions for
the role, has lines, gets a trailer,

whereas a featured extra is a person
whose head shot we pull off a pile,

has no lines and sits in that tent
over there till we're ready for her.

Okay? Mmm. Okay.
Ah, ah, ah, ah...

Where are we on
the coffee situation,

because it's early
and I am hungover.

Go sit in the tent. Now.
This tent?

That one. Thank you.
Are you sure?

[Charlie] This is hard.
Mmm.

I mean, because I want the movie to be big,
you know, and, like, a box office smash...

and we want to put, like,
a lot of meat in the seats, you know?

Yeah. You know what I'm thinking, dude?
You know what I'm thinking?

Something that's happening in
Hollywood that's, like, pretty cool.

They take an underrated actor,
right, whose career is in a slump,

and then they make him
a star again.

Oh, that is awesome, right?
Yeah, let's do that. Yeah.

Yeah. So, who is the most
underrated actor of all time?

- It's Dolph Lundgren.
- Correct. Why?

Well, because of his spiky hair, his
ice-cold demeanor and his big muscles.

Absolutely. Okay. All right.
All right, so we have our actor.

- Okay. - That's great.
Now we need a really great role for him.

Oh, you know what I was thinking?
Scientists are cool.

What if he's a scientist?

Okay, okay. A muscular scientist.
I'm into that. Right.

As long as we don't cover up that
body with a lab coat, bro. No, dude.

He's wearing, like,
a hot mesh tank top.

I like that. Now does he,
like, fight crime or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He fights crime,
uh, with his brain and his brawn.

Should we be writing this down?
Let's get all this down.

[Laughing] All right.
This is good. All right.

Okay. Brains-
Brawn...

Brawn-
Muscles...

Oh! Dude!
Yeah?

I just got a Shyamalan twist
to put in this bad boy.

Okay. Lay it on me.

What if this scientist
runs around on all fours?

Why would he run on all fours?

It's a science experiment with a
dog that goes absolutely haywire.

Suddenly he wakes up with the ability
to run around like a hound. You know?

We're not making the lead of our
big-budget action movie half dog!

No, not half dog. He's all dog.

Then why are we casting
Dolph Lundgren?

That will be the twist.

Dolph Lundgren will be
the voice of this dog.

That's not a twist!
That's a completely different movie...

about a talking-dog scientist
with the voice of Dolph Lundgren!

All right. You know what?
Check this out.

What if it's a man with a few dog-like qualities,
like, uh, heightened sense of smell...

Jesus Christ, Charlie.
We're not- There's no- or licking...

Whoa, whoa. Wait a second.
A heightened sense of smell?

What if he can smell crime?

What if he smells crime?

Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude!
Yeah?

What if he can smell a crime
before it even happens?

Holy shit, dude. That's amazing.
Smells crime before it even happens!

Yes, dude!

We're getting somewhere.
What if his entire head is just one big nose?

Write that down!
I like that!

He's one big nose
on Dolph Lundgren's body.

Oh, shit!

Ho!
What?

No. No, no, no, no, no.
What are you two doing here?

Well, since you've declined
my offer to be your agent,

I've since taken on Dennis
as a client.

Dennis has that
"I don't give a shit" attitude,

which is perfect for
Hollywood, right, Dennis?

I-I- I really don't care.
See? See?

Why do you want to be
everybody's agent?

Because that's where the money is.
What do you do?

You just put things together.
You sit back, you collect 10%...

and you let the client
do all the work.

Dennis doesn't give a shit.
Right?

Stop talking to me.
Perfect.

Okay. Well, you can't just walk in
here and get a part in the movie.

It's not how it works.

Excuse me, sir?
Yes?

Uh, could my client have a part
in your movie? Sure. Here.

Fill out this form.
You do it.

I'll do it.
Unbelievable!

Hold on a second.
Hey, hey. Assistant, hey.

Hi. When is somebody
gonna tell me what my part is?

What is your name again? Dee Reynolds.
I'm your featured... extra.

Right. You're a corpse.

A corpse?
Mm-hmm.

Like a... zombie roaming through the
streets looking for brains kind of corpse?

No. Like a dead corpse.
Just a dead corpse?

Lifeless body lying in the street.
Okay. All right.

We'll call you when we're ready for makeup.
I know, but...

Hold on a second. I have one more-
Don't be- Don't walk away from me.

He just- He'll be back.
Dee.

Jesus, you come off
so desperate.

Oh! Hollywood!
Hollywood! Hollywood!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No! Hey, guys.

Get out of here! What is that?
What are you guys doing here?

We in a Hollywood situation!
Yeah.

- Dennis just got a part in the movie.
- Sweet, dude. Bump it.

- Uh-
- Not gonna? All right.

So, uh- So where's the slumdog?
We're ready for him.

- You finished the script already?
- No, not exactly.

Yeah, we, uh- We didn't want
to get locked into anything,

so we came up
with a pitch instead.

It's more like a series of ideas
in no particular order, you know?

Yeah. We'll work out
the kinks later.

So you hit a brick wall, huh?
Yeah. Uh...

Mmm. Dennis can help you
with that.

He is good at coming up with awesome words.
I wouldn't rule it out.

You have to sign him on
as a producer. That okay?

Dennis? You want to be a producer?
Yeah.

- Sorry. - All right.
We'll work out the detes later, man.

But maybe we gotta find,
like, a cooler place?

Could we get a place
with some A.C. going?

[Charlie] Let's have a meeting and some A.
C., man. Leave it to me.

All right. You guys got 30 seconds.
Blow my mind.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Oh, oh, oh.

Guys, guys.
It's the prequel to The Sixth Sense.

The Fifth Sense.
The sense of smell.

♪♪ [Dramatic]
Imagine a super ripped,

super smart scientist
in a mesh tank top...

named Dr. Dolph Lundgren.

No. That's-
That's not his name.

He's played by Dolph Lundgren, but
that's not the character's name.

It could be the character's name.
No, that's...

A doctor played by Dolph
Lundgren named Dolph Lundgren?

Yeah!
That's confusing, dude.

More confusing than making up an
entirely new name for a person?

That's gonna confuse people.
I'm taking over. I'm taking over.

- You are losing me. - Okay. Okay.
All right, all right, all right.

[Dramatic Voice] Imagine a super smart,
ripped scientist played by Dolph Lundgren,

who, after a terrible accident
in his lab, blows off his nose!

After reconstructive surgery, he soon realizes
that he smells something that stinks...

[Recording Stops]
This doctor smells crime?

Possibly also runs around like a hound.
No! He doesn't run...

I'm just saying, don't rule it out.
It's possible- I didn't agree to that.

It's not in any of our notes.
He might run around like a hound. What do you think?

Okay, uh- All right.
First things first.

You guys gotta type some of this shit out
and get organized, for Christ's sakes.

Get your shit together. Come on.
I mean, that's ridiculous.

Now in terms of the story, uh, clearly
it's brilliant. It's amazing.

Great idea. Brilliant idea.
Thank you.

But there is one critical
element that's missing.

It needs a sexual punch-up.

We need to get a female
lead character in there...

that Dolph can bang
throughout the whole movie.

Yeah. I kind of hate women though.
Oh.

I feel like they just slow action
movies down too. Right, dude.

No, Mac. See, you're dead wrong on that.
You're dead wrong.

See, one of the problems with Shyamalan's
movies is that they lack a certain eroticism.

What if we were to bring, uh,

an incredibly hot but skeptical
female lab partner into the mix?

And then that way, whenever Dolph's not out
busting heads because he's smelled crime,

he's back at the lab performing
outrageous sexual experiments...

on her supple, young body.

Now here's the twist.
And there is a twist.

We show it.

We show all of it.

Because what's the one major thing missing
from all action movies these days, guys?

Full penetration.

Guys, we're gonna show
full penetration,

and we're gonna show a lot of it.
[All Chuckling]

I mean, we're talking, you know,
graphic scenes of Dolph Lundgren...

really going to town on
this hot, young lab tech...

from behind, 69, anal, vaginal,
cowgirl, reverse cowgirl...

All the hits. All the big ones.
All the good ones.

And then he smells crime again.
He's out busting heads.

Then he's back to the lab
for some more full penetration.

He smells crime.
Back to the lab, full penetration.

Crime, penetration, crime, full
penetration, crime, penetration.

And this goes on and on and back
and forth for 90 or so minutes...

until the movie
just sort of ends.

That is brilliant!

That is the most brilliant movie
I've ever heard in my life.

I think audiences are gonna be very uncomfortable
seeing Dolph Lundgren's naked penis...

going into this young girl
that you're talking about.

Yeah. Just to be clear, though,
I don't care either way.

Well, it was worth it,
you know- 30 seconds.

Because we got the chick thing out of
it, so this is good. Yeah, 30 seconds.

Okay. All right. Well, maybe
we should type this stuff up,

and then, Frank, we'll be in touch.
Get it all together.

We'll type it up.
We'll get another thing going.

And think about the representation thing.
Definitely, dude. Definitely.

Okay. You don't have to rep him.
You could just rep me.

All right.
Let me just get all this stuff.

We're not a writing team.
Okay. Are we good?

Yeah. We're good.
Okay.

Okay, we good?
Go ahead, Charlie.

Okay. And we'll get-
we'll get the...

Frank, I write better without him.
Seriously. We'll talk about it.

You know? Okay.
[Muttering]

Okay, cool.

[Mac] The Fifth Sense.
Here we go. Here we go.

Write-Write- Write a couple words.
The...

Fifth-
Dude, go faster.

Hold on. Hold on.
I can't- Go faster.

Ah! I got it in my head.

I just- I can't type it fast enough.
You can't type it at all.

If I could type more better, then
I think it would come out faster.

Maybe we should get somebody else
who can type. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Look at her, dude.

Might be good to have an older lady in the
mix, right, sort of a workhorse secretary?

Yeah- I don't care for her demographic.
I find them judgmental.

Mmm.
You know what I mean?

Mm-hmm.
We need someone more our...

Hello.

Check out this one over here.
Does he look Indian to you?

Oh, yes, dude.

It would be great to have
an Indian in our corner, right?

Oh, my God. They're natural storytellers.
They're great with twists.

- Uh- Psst! Psst!
- Dude!

- Uh, where are you from?
- Baltimore.

[Clicks Tongue] Right, right.
Baltimore, sure.

- Where are your parents from?
- Jersey.

Oh. All right.
Getting nowhere here.

Uh, you're so-
Yeah, well, uh...

Is anyone in your
family from India? Mmm.

- Pakistan.
- Pakistan. Now that's...

Well, isn't-
a country somewhere, so...

What's the difference between
that and- Yeah, what is...

Well, they're right next to
each other, both countries.

That's perfect.
Perfect.

That's close enough, dude.
There's probably a lot of going back and forth.

Yeah, Pakistanis are probably great with twists
too, in their own kind of way, you know?

Great. How'd you like to be
in the movie business?

Ma'am, how you doing on makeup in there?
We're ready.

Well, I'm okay, but I feel like maybe
they used a little too much blood.

Ma'am, we need to move here.
Let's go. Let's go.

My gut feeling is
they went a little overboard.

I mean, can you even tell that it's me?
Yeah. It's perfect.

- We just need to pair you up with
a husband for the shot. - Husband?

Yeah.
How about this guy right here?

That'll work.
That'll work. [Cackles]

Whoa!
Great.

Holy shit, Dee.
This is like...

Wow. I could barely tell
that was you.

- I mean, did they dip you by your heels
into the blood? - That's ridiculous.

That looks so stupid.
Uh...

Frank had 'em go a little more subtle
with me, so you could see my face.

This? This is it?
Yeah.

How the hell
did you manage that?

No, I'm working my ass of.
Corpses, let's go now!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go on, go on, go on.

Go on. Go on, will ya?
Whatever.

Go ahead.

Everybody focus.
Get down now.

Very simple shot.
Lot to do today. Lot to do.

I need all corpses lying down.
We are losing light, people. Let's go.

- I need you to turn over.
I need you face down. - Face down?

Yes. No, 'cause then you won't
be able to see my face.

Face down or in the pile of
bodies over there. You pick it.

- Face down. - That's what I thought.
All right. Energy. Energy.

But you're dead. Dead energy.
Dead energy. Here we go.

I get it. I get it.
Okay, so he's on the edge of this cliff...

throwing his nose off into the ocean because
he's at the happiest point of his life.

No, no, no, no, no, no. This is the
scientist's lowest point in the movie.

Okay. Here. He throws his nose
of the cliff into the ocean...

because he's- he's rejecting his
life as a savior of all of mankind.

Oh, I finally just got it.

Oh, bro, that is...

Bro, that is-
That's nice.

Deep shit, man.
That's awesome.

That's awesome.
It's nice.

- Where are you landing on the full penetration?
- I'm into it. Big time.

The Injun says yes-
Snaking around.

So that's what we're doing, I guess.
It's done. It's on.

But, but, but- I-I-
I mean, the title?

Oh, yeah. The title.
Title sucks.

It's stupid, yeah.
Come on.

Title sucks, right?
The Fifth Sense?

I mean, stupid.
Well, yeah.

- Who came up- Who came
up with that? - Uh...

Stupid.
Come on, man.

So stupid.
You kidding?

So why don't you type out
this whole movie real quick,

and we'll go sell it to Shyamalan.
Yeah.

Oh, no. I don't write.
I'm a big picture kind of guy.

You don't write.
You don't... write.

Oh.

[Cell Phone Ringing]

- Hello?
- Dennis, hey.

We hit a wall on the pitch.
Uh, what pitch is that, man?

- The pitch of the movie that you're a producer on.
- Oh, yeah. That thing. Yeah.

- What's up with that?
- We realized that none of us are writers,

so we decided to play to our
strengths and make a poster.

What tells a person about a movie better
than a picture of what the movie is?

What are your thoughts?

What are my thoughts?
My thoughts are that's brilliant.

I think it's cool.
Cut!

Huh?
What are you doing?

-Oh, shit. Were you guys rolling on that?
-Yes. We were rolling on that.

Do not talk on your phone
during the shot.

Okay? And you, ma'am?

- Oh, me?
- Do not roll over during the shot.

Oh, I know, but you know what?
I thought about it.

- I feel like it's better if I'm
right side up. - Back over.

[Mocking] "Back over!
Face down on the hot cement!"

- Let's roll it again, people.
- "Yeah, again!"

[Machine Gun Fire,
Explosions In Distance]

[Machine Gun Fire]

Brains! Brains!
[Cell Phone Ringing]

Cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
What the hell are you doing?

Huh? You.
Why are you saying "brains"? What...

Oh, 'cause it's a zombie movie.
It's, like, the Shyamalan twist. I figured it out.

This is not a zombie movie.
It's a movie about Serbian genocide.

[Ringing Continues]
Really? Huh.

You! Sir! Yes, sir.
Your phone, it's ringing.

Oh, yeah. I know.
But listen, man.

If you don't let me answer it and solve my
boys' problems, the phone's gonna ring.

You can't have it both ways.
Can I talk or not?

Yeah. I gotta agree with him
on that one, buddy.

You're not being very clear.
Which is it?

Turn your phone of! You, miss!
Don't improvise! Let's go!

Okay! You know what? I have had about
enough of you dicking me around all day.

Okay? Where is M. Night?
I have questions for him. Yeah.

Oh, no. Mr. Shyamalan isn't directing this unit.
This is a simple pickup shot.

Hold on a second.
Hold on a second.

Where the hell is M. Night?
He's not here?

No. What the hell's
going on here?

- Well, he won't get of his phone, for starters.
- Give me your phone, Dennis.

What?
Give me your phone.

All right.
I heard that.

No, I'll tell you
exactly what's going on.

This guy's been treating me
like a dickwad all day long,

and I don't appreciate it.
[Assistant] Ha, ha, ha!

All right. I'm gonna fix it, hon.
Thank you.

Fire both of them and I'll
take their spot. What?

- Done. You're both fired. - Hold on a second.
What are you talking about, Frank?

Being an agent is crap.
I want to be an extra, lay around doing dick.

Great. Both of you, get your shit
out of the tent. Get out of here.

All right, fine.
Hey, give me my phone back, Frank. What?

Just to be clear, pal.
I don't care about any of this.

I got my own thing
going on, so...

[Groans] I just gave you
the old Shyamalan twist.

Oh, maybe you did, maybe you
didn't, but I'll tell you what.

I don't care either.

All right. What do I do?

Hey-oh!

Hey, where his he, dude?
Where's Night?

We got it!
Dude, we totally got it.

Brace yourself!
Brace yourself!

Crime Stinks:
The Smell of Penetration.

"He nose the truth."

Oh, okay, yeah.
I get it. Get it?

Yeah, I-I get it. Now, there is a lot
going on there with- with Dolph.

We had to make some artistic compromises.
I think we're good with the body.

Yeah, but it's a lovable character.
It's a lovable guy.

You know, these are
good compromises.

Bottom line, M. Night's gonna love it.
So where is he?

Night? Uh, well-
Oh, he's not here.

Jesus Christ, Dee.
What happened to you?

He brought in a "B" team
or something like that,

covered me all in blood.

That slumdog bastard
twisted all of us!

Oh, shit, dude.
We need him to execute our script. Yeah.

Actually, you guys don't need
Shyamalan to execute your script...

because I've got the mother of all
Shyamalan twists in my hand right here.

You see, you think I've just been
playing with my phone the whole time,

but you're wrong.

Been writing a little
movie script of my own,

and I finished it right
before you guys called.

It's a horror movie about two men
trapped in a garage stairwell...

who get hunted down by a
psychotic, homeless killer...

who turns out to be
a security guard... instead.

- That's our story, dude.
- Damn right, it's your story.

And that's why you two guys
are gonna be attached as producers.

Nice, baby!
Producers!

All right!
I feel like that's...

I'm a natural born producer.
I love showbiz, dude. I love showbiz.

Uh, can I be in it?
Uh, you know, normally, Dee,

I would take this
opportunity to insult you,

but I'm gonna throw
an insane twist your way.

You're gonna be the lead of the film.
I am? Really?

No, you're not. Twisted again!
Boom! Try and keep up.

Lot of twists. Lot of twists in
this thing, so try and keep up.

There's so many twists,
I can't even follow it.

It's tough to follow.
I'm gonna pull up the first scene...

so you guys can get a taste of what
else is going on in this film.

Yeah. Lay us on it.
It's really good.

Uh- For some reason the phone
is frozen- Lay it on us.

And I'm having a little trouble
pulling up the scene...

And why is there grease
all over...

Is this Frank's g-
goddamn sausage grease?

Frank, you froze my phone
with your sausage greasy fingers!

Frank, you son of a bitch!

[Machine Gun Fire,
Explosions In Distance]

[Machine Gun Fire]

[Assistant] Cut! Cut!
For the love of Christ!

[Voices Speaking Backwards]

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