It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - The D.E.N.N.I.S. System - full transcript

So, how many restraining orders
does the waitress have on you?

A lot, dude.
She's been irritated with me.

"You got me fired from the
Oldies Rock Caf?. Guys.

You're gonna get me fired from the coffee shop.
" This is incredible.

Listen to this message. Come here.
This chick is so in love with me, it's crazy.

Hi, Dennis, it's Caylee.

I was just calling to let you
know that I hope you die!

You are obviously a terrible person
with no regard for anyone but yourself!

I never, ever want to see you again,
you steaming pile of horseshit!

Go to hell!

Whoa, that's amazing. That's the best one yet.
Yeah, it's a really good one.

What?
She hates your guts.

Dee, this chick is so in love with
me, she doesn't even know it.

They don't get it because you
haven't explained it to them, bro.

Oh, guys, I have a system,
a foolproof system...

for getting any chick's undying
love and devotion for life.

What the hell are you
talking about, dude?

I'm talking about
the D.E.N.N.I.S. System.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the D.E.N.N.I.S. System...

is a comprehensive approach to seduction
that I have perfected over the years.

See, my success with women does not solely
stem from my good looks and my charm.

There is a careful,
systemic approach...

that has allowed me to become
the playboy that I am today.

- A playboy?
Is that how you see yourself? - Yes.

He has banged a lot of chicks.
Just shut up, Dee. Shut up.

Now, the first step to any erotic conquest
is to "D"- demonstrate your value.

In this most recent case my subject
was Caylee, a cute pharmacist.

I demonstrated my value
to her by filling a prescription.

I told her, "It's for my grandmother.
She's quite ill."

Thus demonstrating my value as a loving
grandson and an all-around great guy.

- You're forging prescriptions now?
- That's the easy part, Dee.

I would've gone in and bought
a box of magnum condoms,

thus demonstrating that
I have a monster dong.

Right. That comes of
a little bit desperate, Frank.

Now, if you want to have a magnum condom
peeking out of your wallet when you go to pay,

that's a different story.

- Oh, yeah.
- Now let's move on.

Once you've demonstrated your value,
you are going to want to ask her out.

Once you've asked her out,
you move on to "E."

"Engage physically."

I personally try to engage the girl
physically without ever going on the date,

which to me is really
just a waste of time and money.

I'll tell her I know this great little
restaurant that doesn't take reservations.

That makes it sound cool,
makes it sound exclusive.

And then when we get to the
restaurant, the restaurant is closed,

as, of course,
it always is on Sundays.

So I'll feign surprise and say
something along the lines of,

"I guess we could grab a pizza
and watch a movie at my place."

That's where I come in.
Oh, you're a part of this?

Oh, yeah. Mac has a very
special place in my system.

Yeah. You see, I'm on the couch when
they come in and ask to be alone.

- Then I say- - I can't go in my room.
I found a black widow spider in there.

Dennis fires back that he wants some privacy so
that they can get to know each other better.

- And then I say- - Oh.
Well, I guess we could eat the pizza on my bed...

and watch the DVD in my room.

And once we're on my bed,
it is game over.

I engage her physically
and the sexual waltz begins.

Pizza's good.
You're the one that's good.

Smooth! Very- Very smooth stuff.
Very classy.

I'm learning a lot from
you right now, dude.

Okay. Now, once you've had sex with a woman, she
will naturally start to depend on you. Okay?

All women do this.

They certainly do.
You got that right.

Sex with women!

Once you bang 'em,
you know- Like that.

Right. Right.

Which brings me
to the first "N."

"Nurturing Dependence."

You're gonna want to nurture that dependence
that she's feeling on you now, guys.

Have her car towed.

Or you can slash her tires.

Either way, make her
depend on you for rides.

Or you can use
my personal go-to,

which is to create a fictional, angry
neighbor who is threatening her...

and tell her
you'll take care of him.

Hit up a pay phone so that she
can't trace the calls back to you.

Give her a call and say
something along the lines of...

I'm watching you, you bitch.
You're gonna die tonight!

Oh, for Christ's sake!
You're a complete sociopath!

Don't interrupt. Okay?

Now, if you've completed all the other
steps properly up to this point,

she'll naturally want to take the
relationship to the next level.

But you're not gonna do that.
You're gonna do the exact opposite.

Pull back, guys. Pull back.

Which brings me to the second
"N," "Neglect Emotionally."

You stop
taking her phone calls.

Cancel all your plans.

Maybe that fictional, angry neighbor
that you've simulated comes back,

and this time you're not around
to cool him off.

Hello?

Welcome to hell!

This will frighten
the shit out of her.

Okay? And she'll start getting really mixed
up because you're not there to protect her.

She'll start questioning
her self-worth,

start questioning her-
her self-esteem.

And that's the perfect time
to "I"...

"Inspire Hope."

In Caylee's case, I went to
her window and I screamed...

Caylee, listen.
Listen. Wait.

I want to tell you that the reason
I was distant is because...

I was afraid that you were
gonna break my heart...

and I got scared.

But I'm not scared
anymore, baby.

I love you. I need you.

And then, naturally, we bang.

# Watchin' every motion
in my foolish lover's gaze ##.

And this is the best bang of all
because it's very emotional for her.

You see, she thinks she's broken
through my tough exterior...

and coerced affection from a
man who is afraid to love.

And then I slink out
into the night,

never to talk to her again.

"Separate Entirely."

Yes, Mac.
That's right.

I "S"...

"Separate Entirely."

D-E-N-N-I-S.

The D.E.N.N.I.S. System.

That, my friends, is the key
to winning any girl's heart.

Yeah! All right!
Good stuff.

Better than I remember it.
Oh, good!

Are you kidding me?
You are not winning their hearts.

You're torturing them
and they end up hating you.

Actually, Dee, they end up loving me more
than they ever thought was possible.

And you set it up so you can get
these chicks back at any time?

That's exactly right, Charlie.
You're really picking up on this. I'm proud of you, bud.

There is no way that girl is gonna come back
to you after what you just put her through.

I could absolutely get that girl back
anytime I want. I just choose not to.

I 100% guarantee you
this girl's finished with you.

Well, I take that as a challenge,
Dee, and I accept that challenge.

- I'll have her back by the end of the day.
- Yeah. Dee, you don't get it.

This is what men do!
This is what men do! Yeah!

This is man stuff, Dee!
Man stuff!

Whee!
Man stuff!

- This is what men-
- Yee-hoo!

Aah-aah-aah!

You're probably getting D.E.N.N.I.S.
'd right now by that new boyfriend of yours,

and you don't even know it.

What boyfriend? She don't have a boyfriend!
Yes, I do! Ben.

You know, the online soldier that I met.
We're back together now.

What? That dude wouldn't date you
after what you put him through!

Maybe he'd D.E.N.N.I.S. you, but he wouldn't date you.
He's not D.E.N.N.I.S.-ing me!

He's in the car right now.
I told him to wait for me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?

So, wait. Your guy has been waiting out
here the whole time in the hot sun?

Yeah. I told him to wait for me.
He kinda does whatever I say. It's pretty great.

Why'd you tell him to do it with the windows up?
That's cruel. The engine's not even on.

I didn't. I just didn't tell him to do it with
the windows down. He's not the smartest, but...

Dee, it's, like,
100 degrees outside.

I'm assuming that he has
engaged you physically?

Well, I mean, of course
we've engaged physically.

Look at that body.
It is stupid.

Of course we've engaged
over and over physically.

But that doesn't mean that he's
pulling some sort of a system.

Hey, guys! Hey- Hey, Dee!
I didn't see you there. Are you almost done?

Yeah. Yeah. I got caught up in a story.
But I'll be done pretty soon.

O-O-Okay. Well, do you
want me to come in?

No. No, I don't. No.
You just- You just stay where you are.

You know what? I'll text you
when I'm wrapping up.

Then you can crank the A.C.
, cool the car off for me. Okay. Sure thing.

See you, fellas. Okay.
Good. See you, man.

Dee, you're getting played.
You're getting played big time.

He's not doing anything.
Big time!

He's just- I told him to sit...

And there you go. Good to see you.
See you soon. Bye.

- Hey, Caylee.
- What do you want?

Listen,
before you say anything,

I just want to say that I'm really sorry
for everything that went down between us.

It's all my fault.

Nana took a turn for the worse,

and it's got
me in a really bad place.

I just...

I don't know what I
would do if she died.

I don't think your
grandmother exists, Dennis.

I beg your pardon?

Uh, yeah. I looked into it. There's no, um, Dr.
Toboggan in Philadelphia either.

Oh. No- Yeah, he doesn't-
He's not based in Philly.

Oh, no?
Yeah.

No, it says Philadelphia right there.
Oh. Yeah- No, that...

I'm gonna call him because if he's still
giving people prescriptions on that pad,

those people could get
in a lot of trouble.

Oh! Whoa!
What the hell are you doing here?

I'm swooping in on your chick.
What? No.

Dude, I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S.
This chick so I can shove it in Dee's face.

What is this
"swooping in" business?

Oh, that's my system. The M.A.C.
"Move-in After Completion."

I wait till you're done
with them.

Then I swoop in, give them shoulder
to cry on, and then we hump.

You been humping these girls after
I'm done with them? Oh, yeah, dude.

I come in as the sensitive,
intellectual type.

Why do you think I'm always reading books
and shit when we do the spider routine?

I thought you were just my
wing man though. No. No.

I'm swimming in your wake.

- What are you two dickheads doing here?
- What are you doing here?

- I'm here for the scraps. - I haven't had a
chance to get in there yet, okay? So just...

What's taking you so long?

Wait, wait, wait! You have a system
where you come in after Mac?

That's right. I come in after Mac.
But he's taking forever this time.

I got my magnum condoms.
I got my wad of hundreds. I'm ready to plow.

You should see him feast.
He's like a mantis. It's amazing.

Oh, that's good.
Call me that from now on.

Mantis.
No!

Nobody's calling you Man-
Look, you guys gotta back off, okay?

I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S.
This chick. No, you back off!

Wait a second, Frank. He's right.
It's a delicate ecosystem.

We gotta stick with it.
Just let him do his thing.

Then we'll come in for seconds
and scraps. Back off.

Get out.
Just play it cool.

Before she sees you.
Hurry up, though, because...

Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds.
Idiot.

This is so exciting.
You're gonna love this.

Okay, just stop
right there. Okay.

And off with the-
Okay, here we are!

I set up a picnic for us!

What the hell are you doing?

What- I- I set up a picnic.
Do you not like picnics?

Okay. All right. I know what's going on.
I- I'm on to you, guy.

You bring me out here to some
landfill in the middle of nowhere,

you blindfold me
so I have no idea where I am...

I'm gonna depend on you
to get home!

Dee, do you want to go? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I wanna go, but not with you!

I'll go all by myself.
I'll take the bus. Okay.

And I'll also take this. Thank you.
Here. Do you want a glass?

No! Stop it!
Do you need bus fare?

I don't need bus fare!
I'm not sure the bus comes out here anyway.

- I'll walk then, okay?
- Wh- In your heels? They're very nice.

- Here, take my boots. - Stop it!
Stop trying to make me depend on you, okay?

I'm fine all by myself, buddy!
I'm doing just fine by myself.

Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

I'm fine!

Well, just stay there.
I'm gonna come down to help.

Leave me alone!
I won't give you the satisfaction!

I'm fine!

- I'm independent, and I
don't need you! - Wait!

I don't need anybody!

Where are you going?

Shut up!

Oh, what the hell!

- Oh, what the hell, Charlie!
- Oh, hey! Look who's home!

Uh- Hang on a second. What you doing there?
I'm calling the police.

Oh, no! You don't have to call the police.
Check it out.

I'm here just to
fix your garbage disposal.

Is that a bag of hair
in your hand, Charlie?

Have you been breaking into my
apartment and shoving hair in my sink?

Okay. Okay! Let's start over.
We're getting way of topic here.

I would like you to focus on the amount of
value that I am demonstrating to you...

by fixing
your garbage disposal.

Just get the hell
out of my apartment.

Are you sure? 'Cause your garbage
disposal's a mess. Pretty sure.

It's way worse than when I got here.
I think you should get out.

All right. I like this blouse you're wearing.
That's nice. Is that new?

What is that?
It's modern, right?

This is my uniform that I have to
wear for my other job, and it's ugly.

Well, no, it's not ugly.
It's just, you know- It's unique.

So what's this new job?
I work at the fair.

You're working at the fair!
Well, look at us, you know?

I'm a plumber. You're a fair worker.
They go well together, right?

Get out of my apartment.
Oh, all right.

I don't know. I did everything right, and
I can't get past the letter "D," dude.

- Well, what did you do exactly?
- I broke into her place.

I ripped her sink apart.
I brought a bag of hair. You know what I mean?

And I come across looking like a total jerk.
Yeah, of course.

Because nothing that you just
described sounds correct.

These are totally the type of things you
were talking about- slashing a girl's tires,

doing scary voices.

- Do you know anything about plumbing?
- Uh... no.

Maybe it's just over my head, this system.
Maybe I should just stick to stalking.

Maybe that's my system. She got a job at the fair.
It could be fun to stalk around a fair.

Jesus Christ on the cross,
you look like shit.

Yeah! That's 'cause I spent the night in the
woods trying to demonstrate my independence!

Okay, clearly none of you have
any idea how to run my system!

Goddamn- All right. I'm gonna get everybody
what they want, including myself.

Let me just think for a second.

Let me just work something
out here and then... we'll...

What's he doing?

Just shut up and let him work.

We're going to the fair.

Mmm!

That will provide the perfect setting
for all of our needs to be met.

You will demonstrate your value to the
waitress by winning a prize at her booth.

Good, dude! Then I give her
the prize and that's good!

No, that's dead wrong actually.

You're gonna take the prize and award it
to the bustiest woman you can find. Okay?

Your indifference to the waitress will
only make you more attractive to her.

Now, Dee, because of your ridiculous
missteps, you actually have no value.

Mm-hmm. So your only hope
is to lower Ben's value.

You're gonna do this by flirting
with a carney in front of him.

Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't know if
I want to deal with a carney.

No one likes dealing with carneys, and
that's why Frank will pose as one.

Now, Mac, you're
the final piece in this puzzle.

I need you to resume your role as the thoughtful
roommate and invite Caylee out to the fair.

There I shall be waiting
to win back her heart.

- How you gonna do that?
- I gotta get myself a grandmother.

What's happening?

What's happening is,
we're at the fair, Gladys,

and you're gonna act
like my grandma, okay?

My grandmother had an affair
with Susan B. Anthony.

I-I don't give a shit.
I'm paying you not to talk.

Well, hello!
This is a coincidence, huh?

No, it's not. No, it's not.
But it's exciting, isn't it?

So, what game do we have here?
What game is this?

Speed Pitch. That's all you do?
You throw a pitch?

I mean, what prizes are there?

There are no prizes, Charlie.

It's just to see "how
fast can you throw." Oh!

Then I guess I'll demonstrate my value to you
by firing off a wicked hot fastball, huh?

You know this
game is for children, right?

I don't care that it's for kids. All right?
Let me demonstrate my value to you. Please!

When I was little, all the kids would
beat me up and call me Bookworm.

- Right this way, Nana.
- Kids are so brutal.

Oh. Hi, Mac, Caylee.
I didn't see you there.

- What are you doing here?
- This is my nana.

She's on the mend, so I wanted
to get her out of the house.

- This is your grandmother? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
This is Nana. Yeah. Isn?t she precious?

My grandmother was a lesbian.

Well?
How does it look?

It's great.
You look like a lizard.

I like turtles.
Okay.

Ooh, look! A carney!

## Ooh! Eh. Frank!
Hey, Frank! What are you doing?

Lose the tie. You're way overdressed.
I got a new angle.

What? No, Dennis,
this does not change...

Leave us alone. What? What?
Just listen to me for one second, okay?

Dennis, I've been looking all over for you.
Where you been?

Hello. Dr. Toboggan.
Nice to meet you. Hi.

Frank, what are you doing?

Actually, it's Mantis.
Mantis Toboggan, M.D.

I got your test results.
You're positive. You got the H.I.V.

Yes, AIDS. Big time!
What the hell you talking about?

Dennis, what- You got
the AIDS big time!

What are you doing, dude?
Did you see her face? Look at her.

I'm breaking her down.
I'm making her feel worthless. You see?

She thinks she's got the H.
I.V. Then I slip in.

- ## Get it?
- There is an order here, dude! Get back in line!

No! No more thirds for Frankie!
Seconds from now on!

All right!
That was rough!

Fifteen.
Fifteen.

It's 'cause I'm getting tired.
My arm's blown out.

Hey, Speed Pitch. You want to play?
Okay.

Oh! Hey, wait, wait. Hey, guy.
Do you work here?

Yeah. Yeah! Oh, shit.
Ben, look. A carney.

Hey.

So, I wonder if there's a kissing
booth anywhere close.

Sixty-four!

Ow! Ow!

Ow, you stabbed me!
He stabbed me with a key!

Will someone- someone
call a doctor! Ow!

You idiot! Why would you stab me?
I was flirting with you!

That guy paid me to.

You weren't supposed to stab her, man!
You were supposed to stab her!

What?
You want to have me stabbed?

I was gonna protect you
from the stabbing.

Wrong! Wrong!

Wrong! Wrong!

You're supposed to let her get stabbed,
hope that it hits a main artery,

and then as she's dying
you nurse her back to health,

thereby making her totally
dependent on you! Ohh!

See, this is why nobody
should be going off my system!

What do you mean,
"Off your system?"

My system of seduction
that I used to win your heart,

that these idiots
are ruining right now!

Ben's the only one
who's using it properly.

- Ben, explain the system.
- I don't know what you're talking about.

You had your face painted like a goddamn frog
person and you have no ulterior motive here?

- I'm a lizard.
- Oh, whoops! Oh!

I dropped my monster condom
that I use for my magnum dong.

I'm out of here.

I'll give you a ride!
Thank you.

What? What are you doing?
I'm leaving.

Dee, I don't like you.
Well, how is that possible?

You're a mean person.

You know what?
You go! You get outta here!

Way to go, jerks! Good job!
Yeah? Way to go to you.

You work at a fair, carney!
Don't call her a carney, man.

I don't need you to take up for me!
Get out of here!

Shut up! Just go! Get outta here!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Idiots ruining my system.
Everybody ruins my system! Nobody gets it!

Oh, system, my ass.
I hate carnivals.

I need a ride.

Is there anybody out there
that could take me home?

ENGLISH - US - PSDH