It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - The Gang Reignites the Rivalry - full transcript

Hey, hey!
What do you think of these, guys?

My God, Frank. My God.

You look ridiculous in those, dude.

Dude, why are you wearing skinny jeans?
Because they're hip.

And I want to stay young.
Well, stay old, bro.

Because that looks terrible.
Dress your age.

I like 'em. I think they
make me look sexy.

I am getting a tremendous amount of enjoyment
watching you parade around in those things.

- So I say keep them.
- Yeah? - Yeah.

It's like a Humpty Dumpty vibe going on
with those. I don't know if you want...

Yo-oh! Big news, bitches!
The ban's been lifted.

And we are back in.
Flipadelphia, here we come!

Ohh!
Flip, flip, Flipadelphia!

Flip, flip, Flipadelphia!

Flip!
Flip!

Flip- Yeah!
Adelphia!

What the hell is Flipadelphia?
What is Flipadelphia?

Dude, it's a city-wide
flip cup tournament. It's the best.

Yeah. We were the bar to beat
10 years ago until we got muscled out.

Yeah. They very, very unfairly accused
us of poisoning our rival team.

Yes.
You got framed?

No, we did poison the shit out of them.
But they didn't have any proof.

So you have a rival?
Oh, yeah, big-time.

This dive bar down the
street called Molly's. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. This year we're gonna
jam it right up their butt holes.

Ohh! Wow. Yeah, me, Dennis and
Charlie will jam their butt holes.

You're not gonna come anywhere near their butt holes.
Let us handle the butt holes.

What are you talking about?
You guys, I- I'm your number four.

I'm your "Adelphia.
" And you can't- Yeah, I know.

But, Dee, I mean, what, do you,
like, not remember the past?

You choked under pressure in '98.
You blew the whole thing.

We were gonna win. And then
you couldn't flip your damn cup over.

I know, Charlie! That's why
I've been practicing ever since.

I mean, you gotta give me
a chance to redeem myself.

Okay, fine. You will have
a chance to redeem yourself.

In the meantime, what do you say we
throw a little gas on the rivalry fire?

I thought you said
this place was a shithole.

Yeah, it was. But looks like
they've made a few renovations.

All right, well, let's not
get ahead of ourselves.

Could be a scheme.
Okay, you guys ready?

Probably, yeah.
Guess who, bitches!

Are you guys hungry, huh?

Enjoying your meals?
Oh, yeah! Whoo!

Oh, everybody have some lemon on it.
Yeah.

Honk, honk, honk.

Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!

Will they highest ranking member
of the staff please step forward?

I'm, uh, Art Sloan.
I'm the owner. Huh?

Uh, you're Art Sloan?

Now see, you look very different
from what I remember.

Do I know you people?

Uh, allow me to refresh
your memory. Ohh!

Whoa, whoa.
What- What the hell is that?

Flip cup. Ten years ago?
We poisoned you, dude. Remember?

Oh, wait a minute, yeah.
We got really sick. Yeah.

You acted sick.
But check it out.

Who's to say we didn't put that very
same poison in the drinking water?

Hey, everybody, relax.

He's lying. He doesn't have any poison.
No, I don't have any on me.

But I do keep some in my fridge
at home in the relish jar.

There's poison in that jar?
I thought I was allergic to pickles.

What's in the jar with
the skull and crossbones?

Oh, that's mayonnaise.
That's a decoy.

- And the mayo?
- That's shampoo.

You're telling me I've been putting
shampoo on my sandwiches?

If you're using the mayonnaise,
yeah, probably. I-I'm sorry.

Is there something that
I can do for you people?

Yeah! We came to tell you
we're reigniting the rivalry, dick worm.

- It's back on, bitch! - You know what?
I-I am not your rival, okay?

I never was. And I am certainly not
participating in Flipadelphia.

Flip, flip, Flipadelphia!

Flip, flip- Oh!
Looks like someone's scared, guys.

Now you're just being childish.
Oh, yeah?

How's this for childish, bro?

All right, that's it!
I'm calling the cops.

He pissed on your bar!
Yeah, call the cops!

See you Saturday. Don't be late.

Three, two, one, go!

Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!

No, no.

No, you're doing it too high!
Get it! Get it!

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

I don't know, you guys. I was...

That was terrible!
I'm sorry, okay?

I thought you had been practicing.
I have been practicing!

I don't know what happened!
You know, it's her bison-sized fingers!

I don't have bison fingers!
I don't have bison fingers. Oh, yes, you do.

Your mother had to have a C-section
because of those hands.

Okay, you guys are just
all screaming in my face!

People are going to scream
at the tournament!

That's it. She's off the team.
Shut up, Frank!

You're not even on the team!
That's true. What is my role here?

Why did you bring that up?
Yeah. All right.

You're not gonna be on the flip cup team.
No. Definitely not.

Maybe you could be, um, team instigator.
Yeah! There we go.

That works. I'll be the instigator.
Sure. Yeah.

Okay. I'll instigate. In the meantime,
we need to find a replacement for Dee.

We need a replacement. No! No, no, no, no, no!
That's not fair, you guys.

Don't replace me!
You're being replaced.

Okay. I'll tell you what, Dee.
If you can prove to us...

that you can flip 10 cups in a row
under pressure, you're back on the team.

Yes! Okay, I gotta practice.
That's all I need. All right.

I gotta warm up. You see, I went into this cold.
I came in here cold.

That's what my problem was.
One mistake and you're off the team.

That oughta keep her busy
for at least a week or so.

I don't think she'll ever get that.
Okay, in the meantime,

let's find a replacement. Yes.
And I know just the place to go.

Where? Same place I learned to
hone my God-given flip cup skills.

The Delta Omega Lambda
fraternity house at Penn. Wait.

That was, like, 15 years ago.
I don't think you'd have any clout there.

It doesn't matter, man. I was the king of that place.
I'm a legend over there.

Oh. This brings me back.

Got the alumni's up here. Nice.

Oh, man.

This is the class.
Oh, man. There's Ritter.

Oh, that's- "I chug dick"? No.

What? I never-
I don't chug dick. That's crazy.

Why would you even put-
That's not funny.

Come on, that's homophobic.
I mean, come on. What the hell?

Bitch!
Pick it back up!

No, shake the ass! Shake the ass!

Yeah, there you go!

- Like this! - Frank?
What the hell are you doing, man?

I'm recruiting these guys for the flip cup thing.
I almost got this, Dennis.

Whoo-whoo-whoo!
Yeah!

All right!
That's real funny shit, Frank!

Step out for a second and let me handle this.
All right, guys-

I'm Brother Reynolds, class of '98.

Dude, we were cruising
in sixth grade in '98, man.

Oh, sixth grade? Cool, man.
Well, I guess I kind of blazed the trail...

for these sorts of shenanigans
you guys got going on in here.

- What's going on with this kid?
- Oh, he's a pledge.

And we're zapping his nuts
with a stun gun every couple of hours.

- Oh!
- Look at him, man!

That's brutal, man. Wow.
Let me- Let me get in on that.

You- You want to get in on this?
Yeah.

I'm sort of a legend when it
comes to this kind of shit. So, yeah.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. Cool.
Here, man. -

- Down he goes!
- Oh, shit! That really hurts!

Dennis, these guys are badass shitheads!
Oh, man! You got any ludes?

Ludes? I don't think they
make those anymore, man. No?

We got Ritarall.
Ritarall?

Yeah. What's Ritarall?
Oh, snortski. Ohh. Mmm.

Ooh! Ooh, that's tasty stuff.

Uh, God.
Zap him again.

Huh?

- It's that- It's that easy.
- Don't do that shit again, you little idiot!

Okay? Have some respect for a brother,
okay? I'm a legend around this place.

So don't zap me again! All right, listen.
I came here for a reason, okay?

I came here to recruit you
for a flip cup tournament.

Flip cup? Flip cup? What are you, a freshman?
That is so lame.

Take a look at how loose his jeans are.
Okay. Okay.

Let me have it a minute.

No more zapping.

All right, all right.
No more zapping.

We're done.
Stop, stop, stop!

Get outta here!

All right, focus. You can do this.

One more time, just- Oh, Dee.
Dee, it's getting hard to watch.

Really.
I can't stop grinding my teeth.

I don't know how these kids
study on this goddamn Ritarall.

Yeah, I don't know either!
And I don't give a shit!

Hey. So how did the recruiting go?
Oh, it was bad.

We both got punked. Yeah, we both got
punked, Frank. We both got punked!

That's right. These kids these
days, I'll tell you what.

They're nothing like we used to be
back when we were in fraternities.

They have no respect for anybody, okay?
They're like stupid little goddamn savages.

They're bitches!
They're bitches! They're little bitches.

I came in there, right?
And I was polite, and I was nice to them.

I was cordial. And they completely
goddamn disrespected me!

Little idiots! Idiots!
Yeah.

I was completely respectful.
They're supposed to be my brothers, right?

They're my brothers?
No, no. That's not fun.

What they were doing wasn't fun.
They kept zapping us and zapping us.

Idiots! Savages! Idiots!
No, zap, zap, zap, zap.

Idiots! Jesus Christ, dude.
Calm down.

Man, that's-
All right, I'm just...

They disrespect-
I am a legend over there!

I know you're a legend.
Charlie knows you're a legend, you know?

Yeah. That's just the
viciousness of youth.

That wasn't fun!
It's not fun! It's not fun!

Savages!
I'll tell you what, dude.

Maybe you should step down
from the fraternity thing.

Look, we haven't gotten Art Sloan to sign up yet.
He has not signed up.

Why don't you focus some
of that weird rage on him?

- Charlie and I'll handle the frat
kids from here, okay? - Yeah, yeah.

I'll totally pull
a Good Will Hunting on those kids...

and that'll put 'em in their place.
How are you gonna do that?

Well, you've seen the movie, right?
Yeah.

So all I gotta do is I'll ask them some
like big shot, like, math or science,

history-type college question...

and then I'll totally stump them by knowing
a lot more about the answer than they do.

Yeah, in that movie, Matt Damon played a
genius janitor. You're just a janitor.

Right.

You stumped me with that one.
That's a good point.

You didn't have a comeback for that.

How are you gonna have
a comeback in the frat house?

Then you ask them the math
or history-type question...

Ah, but you're not a janitor.
Don't do that.

Just, please, please take care
of those little savages. Got it.

Don't do that. Don't do that.
It'll work if you just say some lines from the movie.

It works. Flip. That's too big.
That's too big.

Oh!
Oh, my.

What is going on in here, dude?
Oh, my.

Woo-hoo-hoo!
Jesus Christ.

It's like some kind of paint party.
Yeah!

They're painting each other up!
Is this what college is like, man?

I don't know, man.
I wish I went to college.

I feel like I got boned big-time, dude!
Jesus Christ. Hey.

Oh, my God, yo!
You're painting him?

Hey!
That's nice.

Yeah!
Jesus Christ, Charlie.

Oh, my God, dude. Oh, my God.
They're painting each other.

No! No, no, no! Charlie!
Stay focused, dude. Right!

Stay focused. We gotta find guys for the team.
Right, right, right!

Nothing will distract us. Nothing!
Okay. Do not get distracted.

Hey!
Hi!

Do you want to paint us up?
Yes.

Uh, paint you up? How?
Yes.

Well, first we paint you,
and then you paint us.

Well, that makes sense.
Sure.

Yeah, uh-
Yeah. Yeah.

How do we do the painting?

With our hands.

We do.
Yeah.

Yeah, we do.

Awesome.

Sorry. Excuse us.
Uh, are you ready?

Yeah. No, we're ready.
We're ready.

Artie Sloan.

Tying his shirts in knots!

I like to humiliate guys, sure.
I'm no different than those guys are now, man.

Yeah! You know?
Like, I used to be the same way.

I used to dress guys up like bananas
and walk them around the quad.

Or I'd take a banana and stick it up some
guy's ass in front of his best friend.

And I'd be like,
"Hey! Banana ass! How you doing?"

Or maybe I'd, like, uh-
I'd like take the tip of my penis...

and stick it in a guy's mouth for, like,
just a second, you know what I mean?

Like while he was sleeping.
I'm all about that shit!

You know what I mean? But you don't stun
gun a guy who was a goddamn legend!

No! And those guys, they
need to recognize that shit!

I was a- I was a trailblazer!

But these kids these days in fraternities,
it's like they don't have any respect.

They don't care about anybody
but themselves, you know?

And I don't understand that. It's like
they live in a fantasy world, where,

"Oh, no. There's no consequences
for my actions.

"I can do whatever the hell I want!

And treat people however the hell
I want to treat 'em!"

And I don't get that.
What are you doing, Frank? What is that?

Well, what I'm doing is I'm cutting the
shower curtain in half waist high...

so that when he's in using it,
people can see his junk.

Wow, Frank. That Ritarall's having a very
interesting affect on what you think.

I love this feeling!
Yeah!

Got any more of it?
Does a bear shit in the woods?

Well, cut up a couple of rails, buddy!
I'm gonna blast off!

All right. Here you go.
All right.

Let's do this!

And we're done!
Ohh!

That was awesome.
Oh, that's so awesome.

That's so awesome.
And now you do us.

Oh, man!
Yeah.

And then for the best part.

There's a better part than this?
There can't be a better part.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How?

When we shower together
and wash each other off.

Yeah, we do. Whoo!

That's exactly what we're gonna do.

What do you two clowns think you're doing?
That's awesome.

Nah, it's cool, man. We're good.
We're good. No! You assholes gotta go!

No, man.
Come on.

Yeah, man. Yeah, you do.
You do, man. You do.

Come on, man.
Hey. Hey, guys.

I'm telling you no, dude.
I'm telling you no. Guys. Guys. Guys.

We're trying to have a conversation, please.
No! You're not in the frat.

Get out!
Guys, you're killing me.

I'm gonna pull a Good Will Hunting.
No, no, Charlie.

What's your major, dude?
Economics.

Oh! Bet you're reading
a lot of Gordon Wood, huh!

You read your Gordon Wood
and you regurgitate it from a textbook...

and you think you're wicked
awesome doing that!

And how about them apples?
And all that Gordon Wood business!

I have no idea what you're talking about.
You are an idiot.

You are an idiot.
Does no one know who Gordon Wood is?

You know what, Cheesefoot?
Go get the stun gun.

That's a great idea.
That's a great idea.

Shit.

Oh, yeah!
Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank! Dude!

I'm finished!
Oh, yeah!

I'm finished. What are you doing?
What do you got going on?

What are you doing?
I'm doing this jerk-off's taxes!

Next year the I.R.S. Will
audit the piss out of him!

Oh! That's so weird! That's so-
That's long-term shit. I would- Yes!

I like that! I like that!
Yes. Good.

Do me a favor, man. Can you go
upstairs and look down onto the lawn?

I've done it. I've done it.
I've done something.

You've done it? Yeah.
Give me the cigar. I need that.

What'd you do?
I have done "it."

What?

I've created a masterpiece.

Wow.

I think our work here is done.

It's so unfair, dude.
Oh, yeah, dude.

So unfair!
I mean, like,

if I had known college
was anything like that,

the amount of book learning I would have
put to my brain- Read! And math, dude!

To get there and stay there.

They shower together!
And naked.

Oh! Boom! The rivalry's back on, boys!
It is back on!

The rivalry's back on?
Oh, yeah! It's back on!

All right! Rivalry! Rivalry.

Rivalry. Rivalry. Rivalry.
Rivalry. Rivalry. Rivalry.

Goddamn it. This feels forced. I...

I'm not into it.
I'm definitely forcing it.

Why is that? Something's off!
Something's off, dude!

You know what it is for me?
I can only speak for myself.

But it's those goddamn punk-ass frat kids, man.
They got to me, dude.

They really got to me!
They burned me and I haven't let it go.

Dude! They burned us too, man!
Did they burn you guys?

- Is that why you're painted like that?
- Yeah, what's going on?

They have like this magical thing going on.
Things are different now.

Hey, you guys. Watch this.

Oh!

Hey!
Oh! Oh!

Ohh!
Ohh!

Oh!

Ten in a row!
Nice!

With everybody watching!
This guy! This guy!

Holy shit!
That was amazing, Dee!

And you just gave me
a thought, okay?

- I think we need to rethink who our rivals are.
- What do you mean?

Well, bro, the Art Sloan-Molly's
rivalry, that's, like, 10 years old!

That's old shit, man! I think our new
rivals are those punk-ass frat kids!

- Dude, those guys are dicks.
- They're such dicks, man!

And I think with Dee's
newfound flip cup skills,

we can embarrass
the shit out of those little bitches!

I'll tell you what. I will take any
excuse to get back to that party.

Okay! That's it! It's a rivalry!
The new rivalry!

- What do you guys want?
- We want one game of flip cup.

If you guys win, you get
to drink at our bar forever, for free.

If we win, we get to come to
your frat whenever we want.

- And paint girls!
- And get painted by them!

And take showers with them!
Lots of showers.

Okay. You're on.

All right. These guys
are gonna be really fast.

So we need to get on to a quick lead.
Dee, I want you to start us off.

Really? Yes. Charlie, you're gonna
take us home as the anchor.

Naturally.
All right.

Oh, you guys. You guys,
I am not gonna let you down, okay?

I know you're not, Sis. I'm proud of you.
We're really proud of you.

Frank, you want to start us
of with some kind of cheer?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Paddy's! Paddy's! Paddy's!

Yeah!
Whoo!

All right! All right!

Okay, both teams ready?
Yeah!

Go!
Go, Dee! Go, Dee! Go, Dee!

- Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Come on, Dee!

Come on! Don't think so hard!
Don't think so hard!

- Hold on!
- Come on, Dee! Let's go!

Come on! Come on, Dee!

Come on, Dee!
Ease up on it, Dee! Ease up!

Too hard! You're hitting
yourself in the head.

Come on, Dee! What are you doing, Dee?
What are you doing?

Oh, come on! Come on! Dee!

Come on, Dee!

No!

- Your beer, free for us, for life!
- For life!

You guys, I'm sorry.
You guys, one more time.

Let's just challenge them to one more!
You know what I mean?

I feel like we could really get these guys!
Don't you see, Dee?

We've already won.

What does that mean?
What are you talking about?

Ohh! Oh, God.

Hey, what- Whoa.
What's going on with me?

Oh, what's going on is that
you just drank a cup of poison!

Paddy's Pub, bitches!

- You guys poisoned the beer?
- Yes, Dee, we did poison the beer.

That was the only way we could
beat these little bitches!

I thought you guys believed in me.
You were so proud of me.

Oh, no.
We knew you were gonna choke.

Yeah. Yeah. We knew you'd pretty
much choke under pressure.

Which is why-
We poisoned your ass!

Flip, flip, Flipadelphia!

Flip, flip, Flipadelphia!

Flip, flip, Flipadelphia!

Flip, flip, Flipadelphia!
Flip, Flipadelphia!

Flip, flip, Flipadelphia!

Flip, flip, Flipadelphia!

Pull! Yank!

Rip 'em off!
Pull 'em of! Yank em! Yank 'em!

They're not coming off!
Yank 'em! Yank 'em!

We're gonna have to burn
'em off, I think. No!

Gotta get 'em off
'cause I got no circulation in my legs.

Yeah, I don't know.
You've got to be kidding me.

Whoa-ho. Hey, hey, pump your brakes there, pal.
Slow down for a second.

What- What's your problem exactly?
What- What's my problem?

Okay, you know what? You disrespected my business.
You vandalized my home.

All in the name of some
stupid drinking competition.

And then when I finally cave in,
you don't even show up.

Show up for what?
Well... Flipadelphia!

Oh, Flipadelphia!
Oh, sh...

Was that today?
Yeah, dude.

Okay, you know what?
I want a challenge. Okay?

My bar. Flip cup. Today. Let's go!

Nah. We've moved on.
Yeah, I'm over it.

You know what?
That's gonna be a pass for me too.

Yeah. I don't feel well at all.
They poisoned me.

I'm not feeling it either.
So that's gonna be a unanimous no from us.

Sorry.

God!

- Hey, now.
- Come on, man.

What was that?
Totally uncalled for.

- Who slams a door?
- Babies.

That guy's got some real growing up to do.
I mean, have some respect, for Christ's sake.

Goddamn savage.

I am a legend.

ENGLISH - US - PSDH