It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Mac and Dennis: Manhunters - full transcript

Mac and Dennis pursue the ultimate high of hunting another man by stalking Rickety Cricket, while Dee and Charlie become obsessed with eating human flesh after they come to believe Frank has fed some of it to them.

Would you describe this piece
as more savory or succulent?

It's definitely way
too overcooked to be succulent.

But it's still pretty delicious.

It's still savory, right?

Now what if
we soaked it in beer?

Do you think that would help it,
like, regain its succulence?

Like a beer rub?

That's actually really smart.
Mac, grab us some beers.

Bite my bird.

What are you eating?

Oh, dude, Dee and I cooked up
a great steak.

Frank's got, like, this whole
fridge full of these delicious meats

that I've been stealing.

And you guys want
to try some of this?

Someone who sweats as much
as you should not work with food.

Charlie, you son of a bitch.

I told you to stay away
from my meat.

Spit it out. Come on, man.
Spit it, spit it now, now!

You too, spit.

- Come on.
- Right there.

Why are you such
a selfish jerk?

Hey, I killed the deer...
I should get to eat it.

That's the natural order.

Wait, you shot a deer?

That's right, ten point buck.

Right between
its soulful little eyes.

Since when do you hunt, bro?

Since always.

I'm a great hunter.

How does hunting a defenseless
creature make you a good hunter?

Yeah, you should go after something
that could at least defend itself.

You know, a really great
hunter would go after something

that could hunt him back.
Like a man.

Oh, hell yeah, dude, a man?

Don't even joke about
hunting no man.

Who's joking?
I'm not joking.

I think that hunting a man would be
the only true test of a good hunter.

Oh, yeah?
I was hunted once.

I just came back from Nam.

I was hitching through Oregon
and some cop started harassing me.

Next thing you know, I had a
whole army of cops chasing me

through the woods.

I had to take them all out.
It was a bloodbath.

That's Rambo, dude.

What?

You just described the plot
of Rambo.

Yeah, that's from the first
one.

"First Blood".

Yeah, I think you're
confusing your life with Rambo, bro.

That's not the first time
you've described your life

in the way
of John Rambo's life.

Yeah, you know what, it's
actually making me think

I could get on board
with a manhunt.

Really? Me too, dude.

I'm just throwing
that out there.

No. You do not
go on a manhunt.

- Screw you.
- Yeah.

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia 4x01 :
"Mac and Dennis : Manhunters"

Subtitles by Sososeries

Try that one.

This one?

And get a little
bit of the sauce with it.

I don't have any sauce left.

It's just the natural juices,

- too by the way.
- It's so good.

It's not an actual sauce.

Oh, my God, good job.

I can't believe that dickhole
put the lock on the refrigerator.

That son of a bitch.
That wasn't cool.

You know what though, at
least he forgot about this piece.

Dumbass.

Did you do something different,
though? 'Cause it's so good this time.

I barely cooked it.

- Really?
- I'm talking like not at all.

No kidding?

What I did, I slapped it on
the radiator for a minute...

That's pretty good.

And that warmed it.
But it's clean enough.

It's so good, though.
I don't care.

Okay, good.

Well, well, well.

What have we here?

Looks like you two have been
enjoying my meat.

Yes, we have been,
you fascist meat hog.

Yeah. Hey, Frankie...

Sharing, it's a rule now.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed
yourselves.

Maybe we should open up a bottle
of dessert wine.

A nice port... that would compliment
what you have just eaten.

By the way, you know what you've
just eaten, right?

- Was it venison?
- You wish it was venison.

Was it a horse?

Horse?

That which you have just eaten,
that which your teeth

have just torn apart,
your taste buds have savored...

that was human meat.

- Okay.
- You're so stupid.

Okay, well thank you for the
human meat, Frank.

Thank you for our human
meat, it was delicious.

I knew you were going to steal
from me again.

You're stupid.

That's why
I put a lock on the fridge

and only left
one piece of meat out.

Human meat.

All right, where'd you get
the human meat from, Frank?

- I got a guy.
- You got a guy?

Oh, you got a human meat guy?

I got a guy for everything, Charlie.
You're so full of shit.

Okay, right.

Oh, yeah, Deandra, you think
I'm full of shit?

Well, you enjoy
yourselves now.

Thank You.
I am glad you had a good time eating...

- Thank you.
- human meat.

- That wasn't human meat though, right?
- No!

Hey oh! Dennis, I did it.

It took me all day, but I
finally finished the list of

ten people that would be
perfect to hunt.

Great. And I totally respect your opinion,
but I've already made a decision.

That's the complete opposite
of respecting my opinion.

Hey, don't I know it.

Check it out, bro.

Hey.

Dennis, are you sure
Dee's coming?

Yeah, she's coming.

She just wants to look great for
your big date.

Cricket, bro?
Are you serious?

Yeah, man, he's perfect.

You don't believe...?

Check it out. Cricket,
come out here for a second, please.

Just stand before us here.

Now check out his legs.

See how they've almost healed?

They're like pretty much back
to perfect.

- Yeah.
- And check out his cane.

It looks like he's whittled it
into some sort of defensive tool.

Bet that makes you quite
formidable, huh?

Okay, what's going on here?

Huh? Where's Dee?

Admit it, Mac, he's perfect.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, he'll do just fine.

Oh, God, oh God.

I knew you were up
to something.

You're going to harvest
my organs, aren't you? Yeah...

- Hey, relax.
- You're going to probe me...

Relax, relax, take it easy.

You don't want to be all nervous
and sweaty when Dee gets here.

So she is coming?

Okay... okay.

Yeah, for a second there, I
thought you guys were going

to do something terrible to me.

Yeah, we are.
She's not coming.

No, we're going to hunt you.

What?

We are going... to hunt
you... Cricket.

Why?

I'd spend a lot less time
asking questions, and more time runnig.

- Yeah.
- What happens if I get caught?

- Oh! Don't get caught.
- Don't get caught.

There he goes.

- And the hunt begins.
- Indeed, indeed.

This is going to be fun.

Yeah... What do you suppose is going
to happen when we do catch him?

I suppose we do something
tea-bag related.

Dee, you're home, thank God.

Okay, let's talk.
Let's have a quick conversation.

Huh, what do you think?

I couldn't sleep last night,
could you?

- No.
- And I'll tell you why.

- Yesterday...
- Yesterday.

What's going on?

Oh, my God, Charlie, I didn't
want to say anything, but I'm thinking

there's something strange
going on with this meat situation.

Yes!

Yes! Okay, now I know it's crazy,
the idea of Frank feeding us human meat.

- Yes.
- But I've been trying to disprove it...

- I absolutely can't.
- You can't do it, can you?

Let's talk taste.

- The taste...
- It was the taste, Charlie.

I can't get the taste out of
my mouth.

You can't get it out, right?

Absolutely not.

And have you tried all sorts
of other meats?

Yes!

- Like deli meats and sandwich meats.
- Absolutely.

And did you go crazy just licking
everything in your apartment,

like your shoe?

I even licked the cat's fanny.

- Nothing's working, right?
- Maybe it's a trick, okay?

Maybe he went and got some weird exotic
meat that we wouldn't think to try.

Okay, it's not like regular
grocery store kind of meat.

Not meat from
a grocery store.

It's like he got it from
weird place.

Okay, well, let's think here.
Let's put our heads together.

Where could Frank go to get
mysterious meat?

- This is the place, huh?
- This is what we're looking for.

Just start grabbing as much
stuff as you can.

Okay, well, we'll take, um,
that big brown mound and

the curly stuff and then this thing
that looks like a blanket, definitely.

- Try some of that.
- Oh! What about a monkey?

Monkeys are, like,
nature's humans.

I doubt they have monkey,
Charlie.

People eat monkey, Dee.

They ate it in Temple of Doom.
You ever see that?

Hey.
We got monkey.

Oh. Well, will you
look at that. Great.

Uh, one monkey,
also, then, please.

Yeah, baby!

This hunt is gonna be so
awesome, dude.

Yeah, bro, this is what it must
feel like before you go into battle.

Oh, my God, I know, man.
I'm so excited, feel my nips.

- Holy smokes!
- They're, like, super hard, right?

Wow! You could cut glass
with these bad boys.

I know, right?

- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm feeling his nips, Frank.

Yeah, man, I am so excited
for this hunt that my nips

are doing stuff they've
never done before... Feel 'em.

- What hunt?
- We're gonna hunt Cricket.

I thought we went over this
already.

You do not hunt a man!

Come on, man, don't bring me
down, not right now.

Not while my nips are like this.

You know, you hunt a man, he
could snap like a twig.

Next thing you know, he's up at
night, he's burning down

a village in Nam, he's killing
everything that moves,

everything that lives!

You're talking about
Rambo again.

Oh, no. No,
that happened to me.

Yeah, you're thinking of John
Rambo's life every time...

No, I'm not, this happened
to me.

That never happened to you,
Frank.

It happened to me, Mac.

Yeah, you're confusing your
life with Rambo again.

No! No, Charlie, this is not
right, I still have the craving.

I have it, too.

I have it even worse
than before, I think.

Something really weird is
happening to me.

Frank fed us human meat,
and we got the hunger.

The hunger?

That's how you become
a cannibal, Dee.

Like, you get one taste of
delicious, delicious human meat,

none of this stuff ever
satisfies you ever again

for the rest of your life.

Now I just think that
you're overreacting, okay?

Oh, really?

Yeah. That's stupid.

Is that stupid?!

Oh, I'm sorry, Dee.

Well, then I guess Jaws 4
is stupid, okay?

'Cause that's
the exact same plot!

Okay! All right! Calm down!

Before you start accusing us of
becoming cannibals or sharks or

whatever it is you're trying to
say, I think we need to find out

if what we ate
was actually human.

No shit. That's what
we've been doing.

I ate a f*****g donkey,
Dee!

Charlie, you don't understand me.

I think we need to try
a piece of human flesh.

- Oh, god.
- Just to make sure.

- That's the only way.
- Right?

Okay, how are we gonna do this?

The morgue? Hear me out.

- It's a dead body...
- Sold !

You don't even have
to tell me about it.

Oh, my God, it's a great
idea, right?

- We'll have a tiny little bit.
- And then we'll know.

- We'll be off the hook.
- We'll know for sure.

I got a hot plate.

I'm gonna get some beers.

Any sign of him?

No, but, uh, word on the
street is, he's out here bagging

most Saturdays.

He'll be here, don't worry
about it.

God, hunting is awesome,
Dennis!

You get to wear sweet clothes
and get wasted all day?

Yeah, it's just like our
normal lives, except at the end

of it we get to put our nuts in
some dude's mouth.

Uh, yeah, actually I wanted
to talk to you about that aspect of it.

What's up?
You're not happy with the plan?

What? No, look, we've been tea-bagging
Cricket since high school, you know?

I feel like we need to make some
progress.

I think we should give him a
gorilla mask.

What's a gorilla mask?

You put something sticky all
over his face and then sprinkle

it with shaved pubes.

Mmm...

No, I don't like it.

What? What's not to like?

Cricket with a face full of
pubes? Hilarious.

Yeah, but where are we supposed
to get that many pubes, man?

We shave.

Well, that's gonna be a
problem-- I laser.

It's like a turtle shell down
there.

What?

Yeah, look, man, classics are
classics for a reason, okay?

Why go mess with that?

It's called progress, Dennis.

Well, I don't want to make progress...
I'm sticking with the tea-bagging.

But tea-bagging doesn't even
leave a mark!

Well, fine, I'll dip my nuts
in ink or something and then put

it in his mouth-- that make you
happy?

Well... Yeah, actually, I
think that's a pretty good idea.

Yeah, because it leaves a mark
all over.

Holy shit, I'm glad we just
thought of that.

It's an excellent idea.

I can dunk 'em down and... Whoo!

Glad we went through that.

See? We're free-thinking
outside the box.

I like that, yeah.

Cricket!
Get him.

Get him, get him, get him.

Okay, how did his legs just
do that?

I'm not doing that, Dennis.

No, that was incredibly
dangerous.

Let's go polish off that
case.

Did not know he was capable
of that.

Yo.

- Hi. Uh...
- Hi.

Sorry to bug you here.

Are... How are you?

Um, we're...

we're two friends of-of one of
the dead people that you have in there.

Very close friends.

And we wanted to...

- Spend some time, maybe?
- We wanted to say good-bye.

Say good-bye to her... him
or...

To him, I...

He had a...

A long life that was good.

What's the hot plate for?

The hot...

The hot plate is because...

- Our friend was a...
- He was a chef...

- chef... who cooks...
- of small plates of things.

- Many small items on a hot plate.
- Mostly just heated it up.

And we thought maybe if he saw or
was near the hot plate one more time.

Aw, it would make him feel...

Right, right, right, right.

Look, spare me the act.

I'll give you guys the same deal
I give everyone else-- 50 bucks

gets you ten minutes alone with
the bodies.

- What?
- What are you talking about?

I got to say, though, I never
seen a guy and girl bang one of

these stiffs at the same time.

Are you kidding me, guy?

Okay, you've got the wrong
idea.

Wow, you have the wrong idea
about us.

We weren't gonna... we were just
gonna come in and have a bite...

I don't judge you guys.
It's cool.

I like yogurt up my ass and a
Popsicle stick in my mouth.

Oh, my God, man!

You know what, let's just give
this guy his 50 bucks.

Whatever, man-- you're the
one with the hot plate.

That is...

Weirdo.

Okay, yeah,I'm the weirdo, says
the guy with the yogurt up his ass.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Ooh-hoo, these are dead
bodies.

Two dead, two dead guys.

This is the real deal here.

I don't think I can eat this
guy.

No, I don't think I can,
right? What is that?

I don't... I don't know.

It's not because he's black,
though, right?

What?!

Okay.

No! Well, no, I don't think
so... no.

It's because he's dead,
right?

It's because he's dead,
that's why not.

Okay, good, good, good.

Now, I got a question for you.

Is it racist if we don'teat
this guy?

Well, shit, Charlie,now
it is.

I'm sorry, Dee, I just, the
white guy over here looks better

to me for some reason.

He looks so much better,
doesn't he? What is that?

You know what it is?

I- I generally, I don't eat dark
meat.

No, I prefer the light meat,
I always have.

Yeah, so it's not that guy.

No, it has nothing to with
that.

The problem is, I'm gonna have a
really hard time if we're both

cannibals and we're racists.

We're not, Dee.

Cannibalism? Racism, Dee?

That's not for us.

You know, those are the
decisions that are best left to

the suits in Washington, okay?

We're just here to eat some
dude.

Well, you lost me with Washington,
but the rest I agree with,

so let's eat a piece of
this white guy.

Let's get him.

I don't think I can do it.

No, me, neither.

No. Hey, good news is, that
means we're not racist.

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay, okay, okay.

I made it.

I'm fast as lightning.
I'm fast as lightning.

I beat you bitches.

Hey, street rat.

Hey, hey, hey!

I'm not here to kill ya.

I'm here to help ya turn the
tables on Mac and Dennis.

What do you mean?

I want to show those bastards
it ain't okay to hunt humans.

Yeah?

They drew first blood,
not you.

They what?

They drew first blood!

What is that?

Is that, uh, is that Rambo?

No, I made that up.

No, no, no.

That's Rambo.

You want me to help you
or not?!

Yes, yes.

All right. Come on. Let's go.

Holy shit.

Holy shit, dude. Holy shit!

"Tag, you're it" and a knife?

What the hell is this, man?

Why are you laughing?

Stop laughing, dude.

This is serious shit.

Yeah? Huh?

What? Oh, my God, are you
kidding me?

You gorilla-masked me?

Yes! Bro, you got to admit
that is so much more awesome

than tea-bagging.

Oh, yeah? Take a look at your
mouth-- you tell me.

You put your balls in my
mouth while I was sleeping?

Yeah, man, twice.

That's rape.

That is borderline rape.

Damn, bro, you got a lot of
pubic hair.

Not anymore.

Yeah, I guess not.

Jesus, man, what's with
the note?

I mean, what's with theatrics?

No, I didn't leave it.
I thought you left it.

So it was Cricket.

Oh, shit!

Okay, Cricket got to us.

He got to us.

Goddamn it, he got to us,
Dennis!

The good news is the gorilla
mask, the purple tea bag,

both totaly viable options, right?

The bad news is it looks like
Cricket's finally snapped.

Well, you know you pushed him
too far, Dennis.

What do you think he's gonna do?

We need to get to him first.

We need to set a trap.

Yeah, and how do you catch a
Cricket?

With a giant bird.

Dee, will you calm down?

You're eating that cheesteak
like some kind of giant bird,

you know?

I can't help it, Charlie.

I got an insatiable hunger.

Oh, I know what the hunger
is, Dee!

Don't start telling me about the
hunger, okay?

I'm feeling it good.

Look, let's just go back to the
morgue, okay, because this is shit.

No, no, that place is
terrible.

Dee, we're cannibals now!

It's pretty obvious to me!

It's starting to look that
way, isn't it?

It's a fact, Dee, that's what
it is.

Look, if we don't feed the
hunger, we could die from it.

That's not our fault,
that's nature.

That's nature.

That's what happens.

People die from the hunger.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, all the time that
happens.

We don't want that to happen.

I don't want it to happen
to me.

Do you want it to happen to you?

No, I don't want it to happen to me,
but I'm not going back to that morgue.

We gotta do something
about it.

Oh, Charlie, oh, I wanted to
eat that lady so bad.

I did, too. I did, too.

We're gonna have to do it.

No, no, I'll tell you why.

We're gonna have to find a
living human being.

Because it's dead meat, and
dead meat's bad meat.

No, not the morgue.

I'm with you on this...

on this thing.

I've never wanted that
before... I want it now.

I know, but I want it now.

We gotta find a guy, and we gotta
kill that guy and we gotta eat it.

Somebody a little rotund,
maybe... Somebody...

That nobody will start asking
questions about if he's missing.

I mean, when we do that, we
don't want any questions.

We don't want to get caught.

Someone no one in the world
could ever care about.

Spare change?

Ow! Goddamn, dude, these are
not coming off, seriously.

Oh, no, they're not going to.

I used airplane glue, bro.

That's gonna be your look
for a while.

Now run me through how we're
gonna do this with Dee.

I'll talk her into it.

Dee, ah, great.

We need to use you as bait for
our Cricket trap.

What in the hell is going
on here?

Who is this?

No, no, we don't want to know
his name.

Go away! No, wait, wait!

Dee, what? Oh, my God, no!

What are we doing?

You know what, kid?

You gotta get out of here, man.

You gotta get out of here.

It's not safe for you.

No, no, no, no.

We can't do this.

Charlie, listen to me.

Listen to me good.

If we don't eat this kid, we are
gonna die, and you know it.

Dee, oh, my God, I want to
eat him as much as you want

to eat him, but it's wrong
to do it.

No, it's not.

All about the steaks!

So you were gonna eat that
kid?

You don't know.

You don't have the hunger.

We don't give a shit about
any of this.

Dee, Cricket trap? Bait-- you?

Hmm? What?

Hello. Hey, Frank.

Speaker? Yeah, hold on.

Is Dennis with you?

Uh, yeah.

Good, Mac and Dennis, prepare
to be burned alive.

This is the point where I would
normally burn you alive, but I

just did it to prove a point,
and I think I made my point.

Frank, Frank, hey, Frank.

Hey, man.

Hey, Frankie!

Hey, Frank, good to see you!

Good to see you, man.

Hey, look, can you get us some
more of that human meat?

Bodies, please?

Are you still going on about
the meat?

I didn't feed you human meat.

It was a raccoon.

Huh?

What?

You ate raccoon meat!

I told you it was people
because I wanted to freak you out

because you're stealing
my food.

No! No, no!

Then why am I always
hungry and I have stomach pains

and nothing satisfies my hunger?

You probably got a tapeworm.

That coon meat is lousy with
parasites.

Okay, are we done here?

Because we are bored to shit.

No, no, no, not yet.

Get ready for a mouthful of
strawberry-blonde-haired-covered balls.

Frank, grab 'em.

We're not doing that.

What do you mean? Wait.

What do you mean, we're not
doing it?

- I lied.
- What ?

What is it with you people?

I mean, you guys are always
touching each other's nipples,

putting your balls in each
other's mouths.

Yeah, it's fun.

It's funny.

I just don't understand your
generation.

Raccoon meat! Bullshit!

What?

That was human meat, and I
know it.

Look, I don't give a shit
what you think.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I'm gonna chop off a piece of
that fat little calf muscle of

yours, Frank, and I'm gonna
eat it.

Oh, yes!

We're gonna put it on the hot
plate, right?

Oh, yes, Charlie. Get him!

Get him! Get him!

And I guess the hunt is on
once again.

And indeed it is.

Aw, they're gonna have so much
fun, man.

Those two are gonna have a
blast, huh?

So I guess the only thing that's
left is to figure out what to do

with Mr. Cricket.

Yeah, uh, what to do,
what to do.

Guess it's just us.

It's just you and us and a
couple pairs of sour sweaty balls.