It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis - full transcript

How are we supposed to

scale back our energy costs when
you're filling this generator with gasoline?

Yeah, gross. Since when did you start running
the bar on a gas generator?

- About a week ago. I've been doing it for about a week.
- Why would you do that?

Well, because, you know,
electricity's so expensive, man.

So I figured let's get a
generator and, you know, run the bar on it.

Are you kidding me? Gasoline's, like,
a thousand times more expensive than electricity.

And you know what, Charlie? You shouldn't
be making these decisions anyway, okay?

- You're not the decision-making type.
- Exactly.

As the brains of this
organization, I should've made this decision.

- I'm sorry but when did you become the brains?
- I'm sorry I've always been the brains.

What are your talking about? I thought
I was the brains. What the hell am I?

- You're the looks.
- Hey of course I'm the looks,

but I was seeing myself
as the brains and the looks.

No, you're the looks, I'm the
brains, Charlie's the wild card.

Oh! That's awesome.

Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup.
You know this? No?

Look, every great crew in history
has followed that basic dynamic, right?

Looks, brains, wild card.
Think about it.

The A-Team did it.

Scooby Doo did it.

- The Ghost busters did it.
- Oh, shit!

- Yes! Right?
- Yeah.

Our problem is that we don't
stick to that basic format,

and it gets us into trouble.

So what you're saying is that
by breaking from that format,

we're actually limiting our ability to
be as successful as those organizations.

- Totally right, dude.
- Great. On to the matter at hand.

We're getting plowed in the ass
by the oil companies and the gas

companies with their ten-gallon
hats and their rotten, ass-plowing hearts.

So, as the brains of this
organization,

- I came up with a plan
- Lay it on us, bud.

It involves pulling up our
bootstraps, oiling up a couple

of asses and doing a little
plowing of our own.

Pow!

- Not gay sex.
- Okay.

Okay, 'cause that's what it sounded like.
What did you mean?

- We're going to solve the gas crisis.
- Oh, good.

Its always sunny in philadelphia 402
"The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis"

Synchro : Flolo

Charlie, the plan is
simple, okay?

- Is it?
- Yes.

We go to a bank, we talk to a
loan officer.

We get a hefty loan to buy a
bunch of gasoline.

We take that gasoline, we store it
in the basement, we wait a few months.

When the gas prices skyrocket,
we sell it, make a huge profit.

Yeah, man, if the guy doesn't
seem like he's going for it,

I'll show him this, uh,
big-breasted women chart...

- and that'll win him over.
- Yeah, I'm sure it will.

I mean, 'cause that's great and
the plan's actually pretty great.

The problem I'm having with it
is that I don't have anything to do.

No, you do have something to do.
You're the wild card.

You sit there looking crazy and
capable of anything.

Yeah.

Yeah, you set the tone for
the whole meeting.

So if I'm, like, there while you guys
are talking and I'm just, like, like...

That's terrible.

That was my... that was my
wild card face, all right...

What message are you trying
to send with that?

Really? Was that not a good one?
Well, so what if it's more like, like...

And you want him to think
that you're going to take a dump or...?

- Seriously, that's what that looks like?
- I just don't know what

- message you're trying to...
- Oh, man, you're forcing it.

- Oh, my God. You know what?
- Yeah, you're really forcing it.

I'd better look in a mirror
'cause I don't know what I'm

doing and what it looks like
feel like two different things.

The Brains, I'm going to
supervise 'cause there is

- no way he should be making this decision.
- Well, walk me through it, dude,

- 'cause I just don't see what you're talking about.
- It's not a rape van. It's a spy van.

It looks very much like
a rape van to me but whatever.

- Dennis, you gotta look at this.
- What is this?

Bruce Mathis is about to give
away all of Mom's money.

What are you talking about?

In two days, some Muslim
Cultural Center is about to get

a giant check made out of our
cash, and we've got to get that back.

Listen, this jamoke is
giving our money to terrorists,

and we've got to prove it.

Dee, Mom gave all of our
money to Bruce.

You were never going to get it anyway.

Oh, no-no-no, I was.
See, I had a plan.

I was going to eliminate everybody else
and be the only surviving heir, so... help.

So when you say "eliminate,"
you mean you were going to kill me?

I don't know. No, yes, maybe
I was going to;

maybe I wasn't. The point is moot now.
So can you please help me out here?

So you were planning on killing me?

Stop arguing. Are you going to
help us out? We got no time here.

Pass.

- "Pass"?
- Yeah, pass.

- Super-pass, berpass...
- How do you super-pass on something like this...

I pass! I pass! Because you were
planning on killing me.

Oh, my God, I feel like
you're really focused on one

tiny part of what I'm trying to
talk about here.

- It's a very big part of your...
- It's just a couple of words.

- Go away. I'm trying to draw breasts and pretty women.
- Focus on the words "money"

and "Bruce" and "me" and "help."

All right, and what is the
reason you're requesting a loan today?

Wait for it...

- Gasoline.
- Excuse me.

- Don't rush me.
- Don't rush him.

Thank you, I feel rushed.
Look, here's the plan.

You give us a shitload of money.
We buy a shitload of gasoline.

We wait 12 months, we sell the
gasoline and make a shitload of profit.

Gentlemen, we tend to give
loans to businesses, not...

- She's not getting it. Get the graph.
- Oh, yeah, the graph.

- We have a graph.
- Yeah, check this out.

Now these are the gas prices last year.

These are the gas prices this year.

And this is what the gas prices will be.

And what are those?

These are gorgeous women
with heaving breasts.

Yeah. Why?

Well, to be perfectly
honest, we sort of thought we'd

- be speaking to a man today, so...
- Yeah, is there any way that

we can talk to your boss because I think
he would understand more better?

My boss is a woman.

- Really?
- Your boss is a woman?

Now, this is a strange bank.

Okay, well, I am definitely
rejecting your request for

$300,000 to buy... gasoline.

- Dennis, you're on.
- Yeah.

You know... I just had a crazy thought.

How's about I take you in the
back and "change" your mind?

Or how about we all go in the
back and have great sex?

- What are you doing, hmm?
- I'm pulling a wild card here, man, so...

No, dude, just let Dennis do
his thing, okay?

I can be very sensual with a
woman, all right? You will enjoy it.

Now is not the right time to
pull the wild card, okay?

Let me do my thing.
Let me do the seducing.

- Let Dennis bang her so we can get our loan.
- Well, here's a scenario.

What if she wanted to bang me or
you for that matter?

You can't pull the wild card
when I already have my shirt

off, that should be a rule.
Can that be a rule?

- Yes, that's a rule.
- Oh, yeah?!

Oh, yeah?! Back off!

- Come on, man, let me do it. This is my job!
- Wild card, baby!

- Dude, I feel like I can do it then, too.
- What are you doing?!

- Goddamn it, look, okay, so...
- Why don't you decide?

- Yeah.
- Which one of us do you want

to take you in the back and bang you?

My intel tells me that Bruce
moved into this crappy apartment complex.

- Where'd you get your intel?
- I water boarded some guy.

- Told me everything.
- You tortured somebody?

Oh, yeah. Big time.
What do you see?

I can't see shit. Why would you
tint the inside of the windows?

- I don't want anybody to see in.
- We can't see out, Frank!

- I might've overdone it a little bit.
- You think so?

- That's Bruce!
- This guy?

That's the guy, walking
there! Walking there!

- Start the car. Let's go! Let's follow him!
- Are you sure that's him?

Gonna take some pictures.

I got it working.

- Go! Go!
- All right, there's...

- the gas pedal's stuck or something.
- Well, wobble it.

- "Wobble it"?
- Yeah, wobble it back and forth.

- Wiggle it. Wiggle it. That's it. That's it.
- All right.

- Now, hit it. Oh, God...
- What are you trying to do?

Give me whiplash? You're blinding me.
Will you calm down? Hold on.

Son of a bitch!

Hey, assholes.

Hey, what the hell was that about?!

I can't believe Dee keeps her
life savings in her sock drawer.

That's a dumb place to hide it.

She's an investor now.
She'll thank us later.

You know what, guys?
I'm sorry. I got to bring something up.

Can I bring something up? 'Cause if it
don't, it's going to stew up inside me.

- It's going to drive me crazy.
- What's up, man?

I kind of can't believe that you guys
took your shirts off back there, man.

I mean, I feel like you really
sold me down the river.

The Ghostbusters would never do
something like that to each other.

- I can't believe you guys did it, man.
- What are you doing?

No trash cans, only cars.

Whoa, cool your jets, guy.
We paid for this gas.

It's going to be a while, so...

Stop now. You can't do this.

- Come on, man.
- Only cars.

Oh, geez. All right, Wild Card, do your thing.

So help me God, I'll blow
this place to kingdom come.

- Not that, not that. Jesus Christ, Charlie.
- Come on, man.

No, we just got to figure out
a way to get this gas back to

- the bar without using the barrels.
- Well, how the hell we gonna do that?

All right, barrel number six is done, dudes.

- This doesn't seem to be the best...
- No. Guys, this is not working, okay?

We're actually losing money
driving back and forth from that

- gas station all day long.
- You're burning up our product.

Plus I have swallowed a good deal of it.
It's just a damn waste.

Yeah, and gas has gone up
seven cents since this morning.

He puts a new thing on the
sign every time we pull in there.

- We're screwing ourselves here, guys.
- Hold on, let's not freak out.

- Let's not freak out.
- The plan's not working though, man.

We just need to adjust our
business model to meet the needs

- of a changing market place. That's all.
- That's money talk. Let's talk money.

We got to make some money in
the short term.

Well, how the hell are we
going to do that?

I got a plan.

- We'd like to return some gas, please.
- Yeah. Don't worry, bro, got receipts.

I can't do that.

You can't do it or you won't do it?

Both.

Not yet, buddy.

Okay, bro, want to play hard ball, fine.

You're about to experience the
hard knocks of a free market, bitch.

Get ready to feel it where it hurts.

- Your dick.
- No, no, not his dick. His wallet.

- Your wallet.
- Yep.

Here we are. This is it.

- Are you sure this is the place?
- Yes, yes, yes, my intel says so.

Okay, take these box cutters,
put them in his bedroom.

Take this fertilizer, toss it in
the closet.

What the hell are we doing that for?

'Cause when I call the cops
on him, they'll come and find

all this bomb-making shit and
they'll arrest his money-stealing ass.

We don't want to call the cops.

They'll find the bug I'm going to plant.

That's a baby monitor, Frank.

You're planting a baby monitor?

Yeah?

A lot of people are bugging
their babies these days.

I guess babies can't be trusted.

What exactly is it you're
expecting to find here?

- Lotta shady shit.
- Like what?

Like maybe Bruce is banging
dudes.

Why would that be shady?

- Maybe the dudes are babies.
- What?!

Bruce is not banging any baby dudes.

Look, we're going back to the
original plan, okay?

We're going to put the frame on him.

We're going to be heroes among
the community and I'm going to

get all of my money back as a reward.

- All my money.
- Whatever.

It was probably going to end up
mine eventually, so...

Okay, there's something I
want to talk to you about.

Were you planning on offing me
and then offing Dennis also?

Frank, we are in the middle
of something.

I don't have time to chitchat
with you about stuff.

Were you planning on offing me?

- I didn't say that.
- You didn't deny it either.

Deny it?

Do I have to deny... something so craz...

Give me the baby monitor.
I'll hide it for you.

Capitalism at work.

This ought to show the son of a bitch.

All right, buddy, now explain
to me how exactly we're going to

- calculate the totals.
- Oh, it's easy, dude.

You pour gas into the car using
one of these funnels, right?

And I count how much gas is
going into the car.

All right, let me just stop
you right there.

How exactly are you planning on
counting a liquid?

- I know how to count, dude.
- Okay, you do it, you do it,

- Mac, because I can't speak to him.
- Free Market 101, you got to

have customers to have a working business, right?

- So we've got to attract attention.
- Yeah.

I, for one, suggest me
blowing fireballs to get that attention.

Fireballs?

- Where is that coming from?
- No, rifling fireballs around...

No, people will see it from
the street and pull in.

They'll want to buy the gas.
We have ten containers of gasoline.

- Charlie, the lighter, please.
- What the hell... No, no, no.

- Let me reiterate my strong opposition to this idea.
- Trust me, Dennis, I know what I'm doing.

This is really unsafe, dude.
Do not blow that fireball...

Wow. Okay, wow, I take back
everything I just said.

That was amazing.
Oh, dude, I'm doing one of those, baby.

- You can do it bigger?
- No, Charlie, let me...

Make sure it's bigger.

Wait...

Goddamn it!

You burned my head!

- Oh, I did. I burned him.
- Really?

Easy, camper, easy, camper.

- Jesus Christ! How can I relax?
- Relax.

- OK, OK?
- Just stop. Just stop.

Do you have anything other
than a towel and duct tape?

Not really.

New plan... we're going to a hospital.

you know what, bro, actually
we're going to be done

with your plans for a little while. 'Cause
the system you set up, it ain't working.

So I got a new system.
Me... both the brains and the looks.

Charlie, you're still going to be the wild
card 'cause that fireball you blew was badass.

It was great, right?
You just kind of got in the way.

Mac, check this out though.
You're going to be the muscle.

No, I...

I think we've got to stick to
the paradigm that we set up.

- The A-Team...
- No, no, no!

- Your paragon is failing us, man.
- It's a paradigm, but yeah.

- It wasn't working.
- It's not working.

What happened was, we
confused your bossiness with

braininess, and those two are
very different things.

That is what happened.

So, check it out.
Man, I got a new plan.

- This is what we're going to do, okay, baby?
- Yeah.

We're going to steal Frank's
rape van because driving around

with all that gasoline is
ruing the interior of my car,

- and I just... I won't have it.
- No.

Then we're going to take that
van, and we're going to offer

people something that gas
stations just can't offer.

What?

Gasoline directly to their
doorsteps.

Door-to-door gasoline salesmen.
Oh, my God, that's amazing.

- That's a brilliant plan, right?
- All right, whatever, fine.

Then I'll be the muscle. I'll muscle
these pricks into buying the gas.

Ooh, actually why don't you
muscle you way back by the van,

- because you look like a burned-up freak.
- You know what?

A look is going to be a big part of this.
I'm going to get some disguises.

Why would we need disguises,
Charlie?

So people don't know who we
are, you know.

They already don't know who we are.

You're not letting the wild
card do his thing.

Is there any reason behind
what you're doing?

Wild card.

Stewart's up on his second
shot on the fairway, hole 15.

I'd say it's about 195 yards.

He has a seven iron.

I mean, how has he been
sitting there watching golf for three hours?

- I don't know.
- Is that a baby monitor?

Oh, cut it off!

Goddamn it!

- Now he's suspicious of us!
- Oh, no!

- You are such a bad hider.
- I'm a bad hider?

You-you never could hide.

I bet you still hide your money
in your sock drawer.

- My sock drawer.
- Yeah.

Come on. That would be stupid.

- Yeah, you do.
- Just shut up.

- You're lying to me.
- I'm not lying to you.

- I'm getting out of here. This is a setup.
- What?

You're setting me up, and I'm
getting the hell out.

Frank, get back here.

You're not gonna do this to me, girl.
Get out of here.

- I understand what's going on.
- Damn it.

Okay, they're on the move.

- Hey. Son of a bitch.
- I know what's going on.

You think I was born yesterday?

- Okay, go, go, go, Mac, go.
- What are you talking about?

Yeah, don't-don't lie to me.

I have my ways of finding out things.

You're being so...
Oh, my God.

Is that a Muslim guy?
He's getting in my van.

Come on, dude, seriously?

All right, well, just let me
do the talking.

Well, I feel like you got to
at least talk with a Southern accent, man.

I'm not gonna talk in a Southern accent.
It's bad enough that you wore this stupid disguise.

But we're oil men.
We would have Southern accents.

Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats.

Yes, you do.
She's gonna think, uh...

Hello, ma'am.
Well, what a lovely housedress.

Yeah,
well, you're looking all sorts of good.

Now, you seem like a sweet,
sophisticated, nice, busy, young lady,

so we're not gonna waste
your time today.

Nah. We're just a couple oil
men in from Dallas, and, well,

we're itching like a hound to
give you a-something you want.

What my
associate is trying to say is

that we're here to offer your
community a much-needed service...

Hells, yeah! We want to feel you up, if'n
you were so inclined as to let us.

Please, let me do the talking.
Please, let me...

Now, we ain't gonna take no
for an answer now, you hear? Okay?

So don't be making me sic my
associate on you here, all right?

He don't take kindly to "no."
So, can I feel you up or what?

Yep, you best get to stepping,
because Johnny Law's a-coming.

You might want to start
driving because she called the cops on us.

Why's he talking like that?

Well, wild card over here
decided to lose his mind.

I say, I say, that's just
damn preposterous, boy.

Well, now you're just
talking like Foghorn Leghorn!

All right, guys, I think it's
time we cut our losses and go back

- to the original plan.
- Ah, the generator.

No, not the generator.

- Storing the gas and patties.
- All right.

Okay? It's too soon to sell
this gas anyway, so shut the door.

- Go, go, go, go.
- Okay, okay, okay.

All right, admit it, that
Muslim guy was gonna rub me out,

and that's when you jumped out
of the van after I got out!

Admit it, come on!

Oh, my God, I don't know what
you're talking about!

Oh, don't lie to me!
Come on, admit it!

Okay, okay, I admit it!

- What do you admit?!
- I admit anything you want to hear!

Now, you admit that Bruce
Mathis is a terrorist...

- He's a terrorist!
- and that you are working for him!

Yes, I work for him. We get our
information from the top, the top cave.

Don't bullshit me!
That's all I got to say!

Like what I'm seeing here,
Frank. Bring me up to speed.

I'm waterboarding your
sister because she's

- escalating the plot to kill us.
- Dennis, help me!

Why the hell would I help you, Dee?
You're still plotting to kill me.

- No! Help!
- Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

- Yeah, shut up.
- Tell me what's going on!

Hey, Frank, by the way, we
borrowed that pathetic rape van

of yours; you got to get that
gas pedal fixed, man.

Mac rammed into some dude's car,
like, five times. It was amazing.

You guys took the van?
I thought it was some Muslim guy.

- No, not really.
- What is going on in here?

- Frank's waterboarding Dee.
- You guys?! You took the van?!

- Well, hell, yeah.
- Oh, my God, I just realized something.

Frank is the muscle.

What?

The reason that shit hasn't
been working out for us is

because we are not working with
our full crew.

I'm the brains, you're the
looks, Charlie's the wild card,

and Frank is the muscle.

- Well, what's Dee?
- She's the useless chick.

Yeah!

- You see? We complete it!
- Yeah!

We all complete the team!

Now, if we stick together, guys,
we can do anything.

Now, question: Frank, does that
waterboard really work?

You bet your ass!

I got Dee to admit to things she
never did!

Well, then it works.

All right, then, gentlemen,
I got a new plan.

Bruce's, we slip in and we grab him.

Shouldn't you guys have
gotten these barrels out of the

- van before we got in?
- They're really heavy, Dee.

We've already had to do it, like, a million times.

- Where'd you get the money for this gas?
- Dee, will you shut up and let me continue?

Now, Frank, when we get back to
the bar, you waterboard the shit

- out of Bruce and get a confession.
- No problem.

Now, Dennis, you take that
confession to the police, use

your charm and good looks, and
get that reward money.

- Done and done.
- Okay, Dee, you continue to be useless.

Charlie and I will use that
reward money to pay off our electricity bill.

Then we'll probably buy some more gasoline
'cause I feel like that's a great plan.

Wait.
Brakes don't... Brakes don't work.

- The gas pedal.
- No, I'm saying, no, the brakes!

- Wiggle the gas pedal.
- Guys, why aren't the brakes working?

Because I cut the brakes!
Wild card, bitches!

- What?! Charlie!
- Holy shit!

- Oh, God!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, God!

Jesus Christ, guys, I can't
stop this van!

- Seriously?!
- Abort! Abort!

Go!

Mastersfield steps up to the
tee, eight strokes behind the leader.

Hole number 17, 338 yards,
dogleg left.

Oh, goddamn it!
What the hell, man?!

Ah, my van.

Why is someone trying to ruin my life?!

I didn't do anything to anybody, man!

I love that car!

That's, uh, that's not Bruce, is it?

No.

If there's something
strange

In your neighborhood
Who you gonna call?

Ghostbusters!