It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 15 - The Gang Dances Their Asses Off - full transcript

Dude, I'm not gonna read this
bullshit. Just get me a Coors.

"What do I think my greatest strength as a
server Is? ' What the hell is this, Frank?

Employee evaluation.

This bar is a business, and
we're gonna start acting like one.

I do not want to start acting like a
business because that sounds boring as shit.

Yeah, that sounds terrible. Plus this thing's
10 pages long. I'm not gonna fill it out.

Well, that's gonna affect
your rank. What rank?

I put us all on a ranking system so
you kids would care about your jobs.

Are we ranked now?
Yes, we are.

What's my rank?
Second, after me.

Wait! What's my rank?
You're third.

What? Why am I third?

Too volatile. Bullshit!
That is bullshit!

Okay, okay. What am I?
You're fifth.

Fifth? That's last. Why in the hell would
I be last? Too much lip and very sassy.

Sassy?
That doesn't make sense.

Like right now. You just don't
know when to shut up. Hello!

You are late.

I just signed the bar up to
host a dance competition...

that's gonna be hosted live
by the Q Crew on 102 Radio!

Whoa! The Q Crew! Good work!

Oh, yeah, yeah. That would be a good
idea, except it's not a dance contest.

It's a dance marathon.
What's the point?

It's an endurance competition. We're gonna
be enduring free promotion on the radio.

Yeah. "Location: Paddy's Bar.

"Time: Saturday. Date:
With Charlie Kelly.

Prize: Paddy's Pub"?

You put the bar up as a prize?

No, no. I put the bar under the "Pride"
section... things that you're proud of.

It's a "Z," Charlie! Prize!

Didn't you read that goddamn
thing? I gave it a onceover!

Your illiteracy has screwed us again,
Charlie! Your illiteracy is screwing us!

That doesn't make any sense!
I have an important question.

Does this make Charlie number
five and I'm number four?

Because in light of this new
information... Dee! Shut up!

Stop with the sass! This is what Frank is
talking about! You never know when to shut up.

Maybe this thing isn't legal. No,
it's legal. There was a lawyer there.

What are we gonna do now?
We're gonna dance our asses off!

Hey, everybody.

DJ Squirrely D and Fat Michael
here from Q102. The Q Crew.

Coming to you from Paddy's Pub!
Kicking off our old-time dance marathon.

Where the owners have put up
their bar as the first prize.

Hey, how about a quick recap of the rules for
our listeners who just tuned in. Fat Michael!

All dancers must remain on their
feet and dancing at all times.

If you drop to the floor,
you are out.

People, this could take
hours. It could take days.

It could take weeks. So stay tuned,
'cause someone's gonna win a bar!

But only right here on Q102.
The Q Crew!

Good job, Charlie.
Good work.

Take it easy and enjoy yourself, 'cause I'm
gonna win this thing with this right here!

What the hell is that? Eighth grade
dance competition. I won to this song.

It's an endurance competition, Charlie.

We're not gonna win the bar back
with some dance you did in 1989.

They don't care if you can
dance well. It's a marathon.

Whoo! What's up, assholes?
Ooh!

What the hell you doing here?
I'm here to win your bar.

Ooh! Awesome. This whole thing was a mistake.
So maybe you can help us win the bar back.

Why would I ever help you do anything?

All you've ever done...
Stop.

All you've ever done is screw me over.
Now I'm here to win back your bar.

We're good though, right?
Go to hell.

Hey, do you want to partner up in this
dance competition? Stop touching me, Charlie.

Hello, jerks. Oh!
Surprised to see me back?

Rickety Cricket. I suppose you're here to
win the bar because we ruined your life.

Good guess. And I'm gonna win this
bar with the help of my shiny new legs.

The latest leg brace technology courtesy
of the great state of Pennsylvania.

Hey. Maybe we should partner
up, ruin their lives together.

Maybe we should.

Jealous?
No.

Let's go, Cricket.
It's Matthew.

Holy shit. What's going on
with Rickety Cricket's new legs?

They look so sturdy.
He's, like, half machine.

He's got, like, a liquid hydraulic
cooling system going on with that thing.

That's cheating, dude. He's
gonna win with those things, man.

It's like an exoskeleton. It's
exactly like an exoskeleton!

We'll have to resort to foul play.

Look, there's no point in taking
any chances. Let's get dirty.

Maybe he'll sweat so much he'll rust those
bionic legs. We should kick him in the dick!

What is that awful noise?

We got our first
dance-off challenge!

I need Mac to collect his dignity and
step to the center of this dance floor.

What?

We've only been dancing for two
minutes. Who's challenged me?

Oh, shit.

Our two dancers have
one song to strut...

Their stuff!

The loser will have to wear this
25pound keg around his neck...

for the rest of the competition.

Talk about a ball and chain. I'm
going through a messy divorce.

He's not gonna go down easy.
No way.

He's fueled by vengeance and
reinforced with space age technology.

And go!

My legs!

The technology failed me! He's
fallen and he can't get up!

I am stealing that
line! It's already yours!

All right, folks. That's our
first casualty of the night.

But stay tuned. There's plenty
more where that came from.

Why don't we mix things up a little
bit... By slowing things down.

Everybody couple up
and hit the dance floor.

Don't be afraid to get "sextra" close.

Osmond close on Q 102.
The Q Crew.

I do not even understand the
smell coming from your body, dude.

Relax, dude. I forgot
to put on deodorant.

You gonna give me shit all day? I have
never seen you wear deodorant, Charlie.

You've never seen me wash my testicles, but
that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.

And I swear to God
you've got lice, man.

I see little bugs
crawling all over your body.

That's glitter. I tried to make myself look
a little fancy for this dance competition.

Oh, Mr. Fancy Pants. Excuse me. I'm just
trying to have a good competition here.

I gotta get outta here.
When is the partner switch?

Ooh, this could be a great idea to shake things
up a little bit with the other contestants.

You know, use the partner switch
to get inside people's heads.

Why is the person that's ranked last trying
to hatch a plan? Yeah, I wonder that too.

I just came up with an idea though.

This could be a good opportunity to shake
things up with the other contestants.

We could use this partner switch
to get into people's heads.

Now you're talking!
Are you being serious?

Shut up. We're hatching a plan. But we're gonna
need a man on the outside. Frank, that's you.

Why? Because I'm old?
That's bullshit!

No, dude. Because you're
the best at scheming.

We need you on the outside
running things. Take a knee.

Kneel down. Take a knee
for the team, buddy.

Yeah, there you go! Yeah!

Ooh! Another one bites the dust.
Q Crew!

We did just screw him over to
kick him out of the contest, right?

Absolutely, yeah.
What?

And by the way, Frank, when we get
the bar back, you're ranked last!

You can't rank me last. I
created the ranking system.

Then you shouldn't have
dropped out, you old bitch.

You lousy bastards.

So who's next? Who's
looking good out there?

That young couple over there looks
pretty limber. We should take them out.

Okay, I'll take the girl. I'm gonna dance
with the waitress for a little while.

That's not gonna work. Mac, take the waitress.
You can tire her out with your spastic movement.

I'll tire her out with my awesome
movements. Yeah, whatever it is.

You should get into it more, Dee.

Oh, this is great, Dee. I
mean, this is so restful.

I'm really building up my reserves
for later, you know? Mmm, yeah.

I'm just really glad I can be
of help, Charlie. Thank you.

Mac and the waitress
are getting pretty close.

What's the matter?
Can't keep up?

No, I can't understand why you're dancing
like that. I feel like you're gonna hit me.

Just... Please don't hit me.

Good, good. Don't be afraid to
get in real close, okay? Okay.

How long have you been a dance
instructor? Oh, a long time. Years.

My fianc? and I, we're
not really dancers.

We just joined this competition
because we both got laid off recently...

Right, right, okay. I'm
gonna dip you down now, okay?

Just stick your knee into
my groin, just like that.

Grind your hips and pulse
your thighs. Ready? Go.

What the hell are you doing?

Relax. He's an instructor. He's showing
me a new dance. What's it called again?

The Rococo Bang.
Oh, that's funny.

Isn't it? Kinda looks
like he's feeling you up.

I don't want to get in the
middle of anything here, okay?

I'm just trying to teach
your fianc?e a new dance.

You don't want to deprive
her of that, do you?

I think a little dance instruction might
help us last longer in the competition.

All right. Just make it
quick. I'll make it quick.

All right now, Gloria, for this next part
you're gonna want to grip my buttocks.

Okay. Like that? Right. Now
we're gonna go down nice and low.

Now grind and shift and around and
push and feel and grip and grip.

I see. Yeah.
Good.

I'm over it anyway.
Are you?

So let's not worry about it. Let's just
talk about other things for a little bit.

I'm glad you're over it, because
he's definitely gonna bang her.

He's gonna bang her?
You're not over it!

I gotta stop that. I
can't let that go on.

You know what I think you gotta do? You
gotta get Mac out of this competition.

Yes! Yes! I gotta get him
out. You gotta get rid of him.

All right, how would I
do that? I got an idea.

They burned you, too, didn?t they?

I know how it feels.

The pain, the hurt.

How about you and me, we join
forces, and we make things right?

Get lost, street rat! I'm not a
street... I was a man of the cl...

Look, I want these
guys, Frank. I want 'em!

And I will stalk the streets and
live in the shadows of the night...

until the streets of Philadelphia
run red with their blood!

You got a lot of anger in
you, kid. You're damn right!

Are you in or out?

I'm in.
Yeah!

Whoo! Here he is. Hey, bro.
What a competition, huh?

Saw you dancing
with the waitress.

But I'm not jealous. I'm very
impressed with your dance moves.

Thank you, Charlie.

Much better dancing than people give
you credit for. I've always thought that.

That whole elbow thing...
You like the elbow thing?

It's a very specifically
choreographed...

I'll show it to you one day.
I don't want to learn it.

You probably
couldn't pull it off anyway.

Hey, man.
How do you feel about Dennis?

Dennis? Dennis has
been driving me crazy.

I feel like he's a little
jealous. And nervous.

Nervous that you're gonna be ranked
number one when this whole thing goes down.

You think so?

Absolutely!

First of all, you deserve to
be ranked number one at the bar.

I think I do, dude. I think
I deserve to be number one.

I've been working so hard for so many
years. The cream always rises to the top.

And you're, like, made of cream, and
your cream is all over his face, man.

That pisses him off. He
hates that shit, dude.

I'm always putting my cream all
over his face, and it pisses him off.

I think we need to take Dennis out.

You think?
Yes!

And there's only one way
to do it. What's that?

You don't want to do this,
bro. Oh, I think I do, buddy.

'Cause I got the moves that
are gonna make me number one.

Why don't you just
go with the best dancer?

Hit it.

If I were you I'd take precaution

Before I step to meet my girl

Oh, goddamn it!

Well, glad that's settled. I think I'm
gonna go get in that chick's pants now.

I thought they were engaged, dude.

"Engaged. " That's just a
word. It doesn't mean anything.

It means they're getting married.

Married, engaged. They're
just words, you know?

My parents were married and engaged
once. You saw how that worked out.

I'm gonna go bang that chick. Enjoy wearing
that keg for the rest of the competition.

Yeah.
Yeah, that's good.

Looking a little stiff there, partner.

Want me to give you a
couple pointers? That's okay.

Come on, man. Let me show you some
moves. He's just trying to help.

All right, fine. Yeah?
All right, here we go.

I'm gonna pretend like
you're Gloria, okay?

Now, you're not nearly as beautiful as
she is, but I can use my imagination.

What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna teach you
how to dip her. That's really important.

I'm gonna put my arm around your waist
just like that. Don't stop. Keep moving.

We don't want you out of
the competition, right? No!

Then I'm gonna bend my knees
and dip you down real low.

My goodness! What
happened? You lost your grip?

You dropped me on purpose,
asshole! Calm down, Robert.

It's perfectly natural to blame the teacher
at first. We're all feeling a little tired.

You son of a bitch! Robert,
stop. Come on. It was an accident.

Oh, come on!
Let's get out of here!

Wait a second. Gloria, you've come
this far. You don't want to stop now.

Wow. Butt out, man. This is none of
your business. Now come on, honey!

We came here to win.
We need this!

Wow. He's a violent guy.

I know. I hate it when he gets like
that. Gotta be careful with that one.

Goddamn it.

I feel your pain, Mac.

We all do. What the
hell's going on out here?

We're making brownies.
The drug filled kind.

Shut up, Cricket! What's
he talking about, Frank?

They're filled with sedatives.

You want to help me distribute
them? I'll make you my number two.

You're not even in the contest
anymore, bro. I certainly am.

I have an inside horse.

You see this homeless gentleman?

He wins, I win.

Come on, Mac.
Join our crew.

Shut up, you goddamn
street rat! Keep working!

You are on your way out.

So you might as well go out with
a bang and have some insurance.

Okay, I'm in. But I don't know how much longer
I can last here. This thing's killing my back.

I'll come up with a rig.

Definitely.
Shut up, street rat.

Wow. He's getting pretty
close to that pretty girl, huh?

Yeah.
You gotta make him jealous.

I don't want to make him
jealous. I want to win your bar.

Oh. Okay. How do you think
I could make him jealous?

I'll tell you exactly what you
need to do. See that homeless guy?

You gotta dance with him.
That doesn't make any sense.

It makes sense. You're tired. I am,
but I don't see how that makes sense.

Okay, it's reverse
psychology. No, it's not.

You know what?
I'm his sister.

I know him really well. I
know him a lot better than you.

The only way you're gonna
be able to land Dennis...

is by making him feel he's lower on your
list than a disgusting, filthy homeless guy.

I'm gonna go grind a homeless
guy. Good girl. Make it dirty.

Oh, my God! She's really,
like, grinding away over there!

Eat your heart out,
Dennis Reynolds!

Hey. Hey, pretty lady?
Look, can you do me a favor?

Can you prop your leg up and,
like, grind on me all sexual like?

Charlie's over there blowing
up my spot with that girl.

Oh, yeah. He is blowing
up your spot. I know.

Better make some moves
to get her back.

I'm gonna make some moves like
a ranked number two guy would.

You're number two.
What's up, bitches?

Oh! Why are you
dancing so strangely?

Because of all my energy. I got
tons of energy now because of this.

Energy bar. Have some.
Looks like a shit ball.

No!
That's an energy bar!

Why is it so heavy and big? Because
it's filled with vitamins and shit.

Come on, guys. Just eat it and you'll
have a burst of energy. Trust me.

Don't eat it, Dee! It's
filled with cough medicine.

I love you!
You traitor bastard!

Okay, that's it, Cricket. You're out
of the crew. You're my whole life.

I love you. I ain't
going out without a fight!

Don't leave me in the sun.
I'll burn.

You are in cahoots
with those guys?

I'm not in cahoots with anybody!

You've been cahooting with
them! I have not been cahooting!

You're wearing Rickety
Cricket's exoskeleton right now!

I am not!
Yes, you are!

Okay! Okay!
So I'm wearing it.

You are pathetic.
Oh, am I, Dee?

Is this pathetic?

What are you doing, bro? What, man?
A man can't enjoy a sexual lady?

Not when it's with my partner. I'm
cutting in. Get out of here! Back off!

I need her, man!
Why do you need her?

I need her, all right? Just put it that
way. You leave me no choice, Charlie.

Hey, asshole.
Whatever. Wanna dance?

Yes!
Good.

Good, good.
Take a load off.

Let these strong, sweet,
sexual arms hold you. So strong.

I gotcha. So strong.
All right, night-night.

No!

You made me do that.

You piece of shit.
Yeah, maybe.

You piece of shit!

Dennis Reynolds,
I trusted you!

Why? You are the biggest
piece of shit on the planet!

That's it. I'm taking this
one out. I'm going limp.

No, Charlie.
Don't go limp.

I got you, Gloria.
You're hurting me!

Charlie, don't do this. He's
trying to have sex with you.

What? I'm not gonna have sex
with you! What do you mean?

I'm engaged!

Engaged is just a word. It
doesn't have any meaning.

No, it's a very serious word.
Thank you!

I was getting somewhere,
wasn't I? No, you weren't.

Really?
No!

All right.
Well, see you later.

You really are the biggest
piece of shit on the planet.

You still talking to me? I
thought you were out. Dick!

Don't worry, ma'am, 'cause I'm
about to take this sucker out!

You're gonna take me out?
You bet.

How are you gonna do that?
This right here. DJ Fat Michael!

Yo! Squirrely D? Oh, yeah!

Please play my dance for a dance
challenge. That's a cando, my brother.

Let me tell you a lesson. The
cream always rises to the top.

And I'm about to show you the
white-hot cream of an eighth-grade boy.

Oh, my God.
Play the tape.

You gotta be kidding me.

Watching every motion

In my foolish lovers game

On this endless ocean

Finally lovers know no shame

It was like a ballet.

How did he remember that
choreography? It was 20 years ago.

I don't know.
It was beautiful, man.

What's going on, monkeys? Yeah.
How are those kegs treating ya?

Pretty good.
What you munching on, pal?

Energy ball, courtesy
of my partner here.

You look pretty woozy there,
buddy. I'm feeling woozy...

What is it? Wait. What is up,
man? I feel like I'm tripping.

Oh, Charlie, that might
be the cough medicine.

You got about 15 minutes until
you drop like a ton of bricks.

Holy shit!
Did you play me?

Oh, I played you.
I played you good.

Maybe now you two jerks might want to
start treating me with a little respect.

Why would we show you
respect? Yeah, why?

Because I
masterminded this entire situation.

Not only did I get Charlie
to eat a drug filled brownie...

I got everybody in here to do it.

Pretty soon, people are gonna be dropping like
flies, and it's gonna be me and you two jerks.

Good luck with those kegs, boners.

Bitch! There is enough cough
medicine in there to kill a gorilla.

If you keep eating it, you're
not gonna last five minutes.

Bro, I can handle my sedatives.

I cannot believe how long Charlie
has lasted after eating that brownie.

Karate... snow machine... chop set...

What's with the chopping? I'm
chopping all over my action.

And mostly power.

He's lost his damn mind.
My back's killing me.

Break me off a piece of that
exoskeleton. It doesn't work that way.

You can't just break off
a piece of an exoskeleton.

Give me some of that liquid
hydraulic shit! No, man! Hey!

It's a sensitive science!
Don't use your elbows!

Whoa! Whoa!
Dennis, what are you doing?

Oh, goddamn it!

Ohh! Double whammy! Are
you happy? Dee's gonna win.

No.
We still got Charlie.

Don't worry about it. I got an inside
horse... Larry. That's my inside horse.

Larry! Stay awake!
Go, Larry!

He's staying up! Come on, Larry!
You can do It! You can do It, Larry!

You feeling bad? That's too bad.
'Cause I'm just getting my second wind.

Cricket! Now!

Here I come, Dee!
I love you so much!

Oh, my God, my knee!
Oh, my God!

Larry!
You won the bar for us!

Larry wins! Whoo!
All right, Larry!

I have a shattered kneecap!

Dee, we can start again.
Right?

Never talk to me again,
you goddamn street rat!

Look on the bright side, Deandra.

At least you're not
ranked last anymore.

Who's last now?
Charlie.

That kid really
needs to learn how to read.